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weight loss

maria kang, fitness mom, fat shaming, what's your excuse?, weight loss, mom

In the past week, I have seen the photo below of fitness mom, Maria Kang, being circulated around the Internet and even on the news. The general consensus seems to be a knee jerk reaction to the “What’s your excuse?” caption that accompanied the photo of a very fit Kang alongside her three little boys. I wonder why the photo above didn’t got viral? Maybe because it was harder to misconstrue.

When I saw the photo below, I was not offended. I wasn’t motivated to workout either but she made me think. Think about what my excuses were and turns out that yes, losing weight is hard and time-consuming but my reasons for still being overweight is just that; an excuse. Well, that and the fact that I screwed my metabolism up with 8 years of eating disorders but I could still definitely be in better shape; probably not Maria Kang shape but definitely the best version of me. I saw a mother who has made sacrifices and has a kick ass body to show for it. Maybe I’m just not willing to make those same sacrifices?

Then I heard the words “fat-shaming” and ”bullying” being thrown around. People like to abuse the word “bullying”. Bullying is an epidemic but unless she was sending this photo to people’s inboxes, spamming them on social media with the photo and the caption, mailing it directly to them habitually or standing outside the McDonald’s taunting “What’s your excuse?” how was she bullying anyone?

It was a photo on her FB page that went viral. People really hate this woman based on this one photo. I don’t like to judge a book solely by its cover so I did a little digging. Plus, I still wasn’t sure if I hated her for being condescending or loved her for being inspirational. I did know one thing, if a stranger yelled that at me, I’d be pissed but if a friend did the same thing and worked her ass off while being a mom and looked like that, I’d be a little bit jealous but mostly, I’d be all “You GO GIRL!”

Maria Kang, What's Your Excuse, fitness, weight loss

I went to her FB page and hey, guess what? The photo links to her blog and her entire story that led up to that photo. I read her story. Imagine that. Turns out our stories are very similar. She’s been heavy. She’s suffered through eating disorders. She gained a lot of weight during pregnancy. She had a metabolism that seemed to have quit. She’d tried every diet under the sun but she kept at it. Kept trying to find a way to get healthy. Then she made the decision to bust her ass and dedicate her life to being physically fit by any means possible. I have no idea where she find’s the time in the day with three small boys but she does.This is something she enjoys. It’s a passion for her.

And that caption “What’s Your Excuse?” She wasn’t fat shaming at all. In fact, she is one of the admins of a closed FB group called the 2013 –No Excuse Mom Challenge and they are participating in the No Excuse program. The tagline? We will achieve our goals…No Excuses! The photo was a progression photo related directly to that. In context, it makes sense. It was actually meant as a motivational tool for a very specific group of women who were in this group and wanted to lose the weight. To them, her photo is inspirational because she is one of them, one of us, and she has done it and if she can do it, maybe they can to?

Maria Kang is just a mom like you and I. Just a normal person who wanted to get into shape. She wanted accountability and support so she started a program and a challenge. She did it. She deserves to show off what all her hard work has gotten her. I’m jealous and after reading her story I.Am.Inspired. Hell, I even signed up to join her group. I want that kind of support. I want to be able to post my own progression photo. She looks happy. Her kids look happy. As long as she doesn’t run up in my face and cruelly taunt me with , ” Look at me! What’s Your Excuse, Fatty?” Live and let live. All I can really say after doing all the research is, “Maria Kang, You GO GIRL!” I have no excuse.

***Update : Yes, I read Ms. Kang’s “apology”. It comes off as assholey but what came first the assholey behavior or was it being attacked that made her react in a defensive way?

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rebel wilson, fat amy, weight loss, weight

Let me start by saying that I think Rebel Wison is awesome. She is hilarious, gorgeous, brave and in your face. Brave because there is no topic she won’t take on. But still, as a woman, our bodies make us vulnerable and criticism is like kryptonite. No matter how hard you try to ignore the commentary outside of your head, the one inside is always worse. She is by far one of my favorite young comedic actresses. But when I look at photos of her, I see a vulnerability; a quiet simmering beneath the bravado. She’s deep.You have to be deep and have known sadness in your life to be funny, it is a fact. Funny is a coping mechanism; it’s a mask. We all wear it from time to time.

Yesterday, I was listening to the radio and the DJs were debating whether or not Australian actress and comedienne, Rebel Wilson should lose weight for money. It is rumored that she is being offered very lucrative deals with weight loss companies to lose weight. They are fighting over her. She’s their white whale; pardon the word choice, because she appears to be so damn comfortable in her own skin. People just can’t understand how a person can be anything other than disgusted by themselves if they are overweight.

I found it peculiar that the DJs thought it was their business to discuss whether or not she should take the deal and even more bizarre that they had an opinion on why she should take the deal. One opinion was to take the money and lose the weight because she is fat and unhealthy and obviously your life is better when you are emaciated. The other opinion was to say screw the cash, Rebel should embrace her girth and be a loud and proud curvy girl. Actually, they demanded that she be fat forever. They were quite indignant that she would even consider losing weight. Had she learned NOTHING from Melissa McCarthy. Embrace your curves, girl. They apparently think that she is actually FAT AMY and it wasn’t just a character she played on the big screen.

rebel wilson, fat amy, weight loss, weight

I am extremely bothered by this because a woman’s weight is not something that should be up for debate or discussion by complete strangers. Just because she is a celebrity doesn’t mean that she completely forfeits her right to privacy. I don’t care if she is too fat or too skinny. Unless it’s your body, keep your damn comments to yourself. No one has the right to pass judgement on your body. You don’t live in her skin. You don’t know her story. Mind your own fucking business. Weight, body size and self-image are all very personal. Do we discuss men’s dick sizes on the radio and whether they should get enlargement surgery or embrace what they were born with? NO, because that would be unsavory and sexist but discussing what a woman should do with her body, her breasts, her uterus are all up for discussion by everyone.

They pointed to Melissa McCarthy as why Rebel Wilson should be proud and obese. Firstly, I don’t think Rebel Wilson is hiding the fact that she is overweight. I believe she has full on embraced it but does that mean she has to be “Fat Amy” for the rest of her life because that’s what we expect? Hell, no! But that doesn’t mean that she needs to be an anorexic either. And if you want to point to Melissa McCarthy as being the obese actress standard let’s not forget about Chris Farley and John Candy. Yeah, overweight comedians are funny with their self-deprecating humor. It gives the rest of us permission to do the unthinkable and cruel, laugh at someone who is fat. It’s mean and it’s none of our business.

Has Melissa McCarthy every said straight out that she loves being overweight? I doubt it. There is a difference between accepting yourself for who you are and loving who you are. Being overweight, for most, is a situation that you learn to live with and make the best of. Losing weight is hard and takes a lot of physical hard work, nutritional commitment, mental determination and dedication of time. My point is this, I don’t know Rebel Wilson personally, I think she is beautiful and funny just as she is. Is it my business whether she loses weight or not? No.

Only one person can decide that because it only affects one person’s life directly, Rebel Wilson. If she is truly happy and healthy at the size she is at, why should she take the deal? But if she is unhappy with her weight, this may be the perfect opportunity to get the help she needs to lose the weight and make some money. But losing weight publicly, just like gaining it, also makes you susceptible to the public’s scrutiny. In a perfect world, her weight shouldn’t be up for discussion; no woman’s should.

rebel wilson, fat amy, weight loss, weight

I just can’t believe that these DJs were talking about her weight, her health, like she was some sort of inanimate object. She is human; she has feelings. She is not just the character Fat Amy. This is a person’s health we are talking about; her life. Can’t we all just mind our own fucking business?

 

You call yourself Fat Amy?

Yeah, so twig bitches like you don’t do it behind my back!

only someone who’s been overweight understands the double edged cut of this comment. You cut yourself before someone else does but you still die a little on the inside, only its at your own hand.

Throat Punch Thursday, Rebel Wilson, Fat Amy, losing weight for money

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Weight Watchers, weight loss,weightloss, weight, body issues, health

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Weight Watchers, weight loss,weightloss, weight, body issues, health

Size 8, 12, and 14

I joined Weight Watchers on Friday the 13th~ I was inspired by my good friend, Lori of @mommyfriend. Her honesty and bravery have given me the strength to finally be honest with you about my biggest fear. My weight. I have been terrified of the the scale all of my adult life. More petrifying was that someone, anyone, would find out the number on the scale. Even though I may look overweight (as you can plainly see) I’ve become accustomed to pushing, pulling, nipping, tucking, spanxing and hiding the “fluff”. It’s amazing the power of a shaper these days. Those suckers must be made of of some super strength material from the planet Krypton. But when you remove the spanx, the fluff remains, no matter what angel you try to position yourself. Suck in, lay down, to the right, to the left; no matter what…it’s still there.

Weight is more than a Number on the Scale

I’ve done Weight Watchers once before. I lost 25 pounds, which sounds like a lot but I had a lot more to lose. Then life happened, as it always does, and we moved half way across the country. I missed my Weight Watchers group. I missed the support. I tried other meetings. I tried a couple different places. But it wasn’t the same. I wasn’t the same. My state of mind wasn’t the same. I was stressed and irritable. I turned to my old friend for comfort, and I gained the 25 pounds I had lost plus another 11. I was the heaviest I had ever been in my entire life and I felt miserable. I feel miserable.

I felt fat. I felt slovenly. I felt ugly. I felt out of control. I wanted to hide from the world. I started avoiding social situations out of fear of the audible gasp at the gain. Or worse, the disappointment in people’s eyes from gaining back what I had worked so hard to lose. I felt like a failure. I don’t do well with failure. I am the person who succeeds at whatever she sets her mind to so gaining this weight was a giant failure. A black mark on my very soul. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve never stopped trying to lose weight, but it’s not been the priority lately ( back went out, severely sprained my ankle, and holidays). Complaining seems to have been a lot easier.

I spiraled deeper and deeper into my black hole. I felt as if I were smothering beneath the weight of the guilt, the sadness, the grief of not having more control over my health, my body, my life.

I am more than my weight

I have started this journey so many times that it makes my head spin to think about it. I feel like the little boy who cried wolf, but instead I’m the woman who cried diet. No one believes it anymore. Have you done this? Broad sweeping declarations , “Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life. I WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT!” The problem is, even I stopped believing it was possible. Then lately, people and inspiration have been put into my life to prove that it is possible.

I know some of you know exactly what I mean. Some of you don’t have to because you are naturally thin and to you I say, “I am so freaking jealous and I hope you never know the misery of having to lose weight.”

Last week, I joined Weight Watchers. Last week, I weighed myself, Friday the 13th, 2012, and I weighed 243 pounds. ( I will pause while you pick yourself back up off of the floor). No, I am not 8 foot tall. I am 5’7″. I am very overweight. I wear a size 18 pants. I am not telling you this because I am proud. In fact, not even my closest friends or sisters know my actual weight. I am sharing this with you because I REFUSE to be a slave of that number anymore. I will no longer hide in the shadows of life because of the number on the scale. It has never defined me but it has kept me from broadening my definition lately. No.MORE! In my first week I lost 5.8 pounds.I am very proud of that small accomplishment of losing that weight.

I’m telling you now because I am encouraging all of you to stop defining yourself by the fucking number on the scale. You are a bigger and better than that. Your value is not in the size of your pants. By telling you my number, I have taken away it’s power over me. It’s not a secret anymore. I AM changing that number. It might take me months, or even years, but I’m not stopping. I can’t. Not this time. This time it’s personal. I want to be healthy to be around to play with my children, dance at their weddings with the Big Guy and chase my children’s children around. I want to be able to dance my ass off on my 40th birthday this September in something cute and short; not the size of a toddler bed sheet.

I don’t know what’s lit this fire under my ass and compelled me to be so freaking honest with you, maybe it’s the new sassy hair cut or maybe I am simply tired of trying to hide my weight from the world. I am more than just a number on a scale. I am all kinds of awesome but I do want to change the packaging. I want to be as proud of the packaging as I am of the gift inside. I hope my honesty inspires you to free yourself from the weight of your world and face your fears; whether it be a number on the scale, an unrealized dream or anything that brings down the happiness quotient in your life. What is the greatest weight in your life? Will you join me in freeing yourself from the weight in your world?

Weight, you have no power over me

 

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Judgemental Doctors, Throat Punch Thursday, Doctors

Throat Punch Thursday,Judgmental Doctor,doctors, obesity,weight management

Judgmental Doctor You Suck

Tonight’s Throat Punch is brought to you by a judgmental doctor. Don’t get me wrong some of my favorite people in the world are doctors; my brother in law, one of my best friends to name a few. I realize that they are, in fact, human; just like you and I. But I expect a standard of professionalism when they are practicing medicine. What they say at home, that’s between them and their HIPAA conscience. But when a doctor brings assumption and judgment into the exam room, we have a problem .

I’ve been having persistent coughing fits for the past 2 weeks and decided to go to the local RediMed, as I don’t have a GP here yet. The doctor walked in the exam room ( after I had waited 2 hours to see her) with a less than enthusiastic attitude, as if I had done something to deserve to be sick. It was apparent from the moment she walked into the room looking through her nose at me, that she was a judgmental doctor.  Worse still a cold bitch, as the room dropped 10 degrees when she walked in.

She began by asking me the standard questions. How long have you had the cough? Are you feeling any sinus pressure? Are you feeling any pressure in your ears? I say yes. She asked, “Pressure? or PAIN?” Her tone was as if I had misunderstood her question. I had not. She had a very thick accent. I’ve grown up immersed in thick accent as my fathers mother tongue is not English. I don’t usually have an issue understanding accents but hers was quite thick.

Judgmental Doctor, Throat Punch Thursday, Doctors, Body issues, weight, body dysmorphic disorder

Judgmental Doctor You are No Lady

“Do you have any allergies?” Yes, I have seasonal allergies.

“When you cough are you bringing anything up? Yes (I’m assuming she was referring to phlegm).

This is when it all fell apart.

At this point she is looking at me, as if I have totally done something wrong, “You really have to watch what you are eating late at night!”  I eat at 5:30 every night.

I have no f*cking idea what she is talking about.

“You must cut back on the greasy food! Take some Prilosec and stop eating these kinds of food!!!! ” She’s practically yelling. I feel as if I am on trial.

“Stop drinking all the sugar, sodas and coffee at night. You need to watch what you eat so you don’t destroy your esophagus with your unhealthy eating habits.”

I don’t!I don’t! I don’t!

What the f*ck is she talking about? Since when did a cough warrant a scolding on non-existent eating habits?

Judgmental Doctor Say What

Then it hits me like a ton of rocks hurled by sizists at the fat kid. Somehow, when I was explaining to her that when I lie down at night the coughing fits get worse, she heard “I’m a big fat asshole who has acid reflux because I can’t control my binge eating at night. I drink 2 liters of soda and pots of coffee with reckless abandon because I just don’t give a shit about my health!”

She was being very condescending and rude.

I know I am out of shape. I am heavier than I ever wanted to be.

I DO NOT HAVE ACID REFLUX.

I HAVE NEVER HAD HEARTBURN. I don’t even know what it feels like.

I came in for COUGHING FITS not a judgmental doctor with a side of asshole bedside manner. Who did she think she was?

I seldom drink caffeine, never at night. I’ve never been a binge eater. I’m a restrictor. To add insult to injury, I’m pretty sure that the reason I am as heavy as I am now is partly from all the damage I did to my body when I was in the throes of my 8 year battle with eating disorders. Doesn’t this bitch know I have body dysmorphic disorder?

Of course she doesn’t, she’s just the freaking drive thru of doctors and she doesn’t have my full medical records. That insensitive bitch just used her judgmental doctor powers on someone who has to talk herself into accepting herself on a daily basis. I’ve never felt so ugly in my life.

I was deflated. Enraged. Wanted to throat punch her and cry simultaneously. On top of everything else, it’s shark week and I’m not feeling especially happy with excessive water weight that I’m holding.

Thanks for the pep talk, Dr. Kevorkian.My throat Punch goes to the wicked stupid, judgmental doctor with the sizist attitude and atrocious bedside manor.

Hope you will link up your Throat Punch Thursday posts with me. I wanted to extend a personal invite to all of you to link up any posts in which you air a grievance, call out any asshatery,or just dole out a well deserved throat punch to one of societies shortcomings or political douche canoes. If not this week, I do it EVERY single Thursday and would love for any or all of you to join in! All you have to do is grab the Throat Punch Thursday button ( listed under the “about” tab at the top of the page), put it in your blog post and link up. If you’d like to stay in the Throat Punch know, I’d love it if you would email subscribe ( as GFC will stop working soon). Just say No to a Judgmental doctor.

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EatSmart, weight loss

EatSmart, weight loss

Behold EatSmart~ Precision GoFit Digital Scale

What is it? Eat Smart ~Precision GoFit Body Fat Bathroom Scale The EatSmart Precision GoFit Digital Body Fat Bathroom Scale is not your ordinary bathroom scale, as it can quickly and easily measure weight, body fat, body water, body muscle and bone mass using new ITO BIA (Bio-Electrical Impedance Analysis) technology. BIA sends a safe, low-level electrical current through the body (you hardly feel it…J/k you don’t feel it at all), which allows the Precision GoFit to analyze the body in real time all in one step. ONE STEP! There’s no need for weighing and measuring separate times. I love it because as a very busy mom, like most of you, I don’t have a lot of time to focus on me and this incorporates everything I need to do to keep my weight on track into one step, allowing me to spend time on me without feeling like I’m taking away valuable time somewhere else. The sleek design, touch screen interface and automatic person identifier (stores personal data for up to 8 users) make the EatSmart Precision GoFit Digital body fat bathroom scale one of the most user friendly bathroom scales I’ve ever had the pleasure of owning and it actually looks good in my bathroom. Bonus!

 

What does it say it will do?

EatSmart Precision GoFit scale product Features

  • Measuring Functions: % Body Fat, % Total Body Water, % Muscle Mass and Bone Mass
  • 400 pound capacity
  • Proprietary Automatic User Identification Technology; Stores personal data for up to 8 users
  • EatSmart “Step-On” Technology – Get instant readings with no tapping to turn on!
  • Large 3.5″ Blue LCD displays with white backlight – Easy to read.
  • Auto Calibrated; Auto Power-Off; Runs on 4 AAA batteries (included); 100% Eat Smart Satisfaction Guarantee

 

Does it do what it says it will do? The EatSmart Precision GoFit Digital Body Fat Bathroom scale does everything it promises and I love it. I love it because I have started a new journey and this scale is playing a big part in helping me to reach my destination. I have been spending a lot of time working out and logging food, counting points and making wise choices. It’s nice to have this tool that is so user friendly and when it lights up, it’s little blue light is affirmation that what I am doing is working. In fact, this morning when I weighed in for the week, I was pleasantly surprised to know that my Total body water (TBW), Body Fat, Muscle mass and Bone mass are in within normal ranges now. This was not the case a month ago. I know that my hard work and discipline is what is prompting the change in my body and my health; there is no magic pill. But the Eat Smart precision GoFit body fat Bathroom scale is my accountability. I need the accountability, as much as I need the portion control, workouts and healthy food choices. It all works in unison to reach my weight loss destination. The Eat Smart Precision GoFit Body Fat Bathroom Scale is the perfect weight loss tool for the busy mom on the go.

Do you need to consult a manual or is it “User Friendly”? The Eat Smart Precision GOFit Body Fat Bathroom Scale is so easy to use. Pop the batteries in (which are provided) flip it over, step on it once to calibrate, step off and then step back on. Voila. You are done Instantly, you will have your weight, body fat, body water, body muscle and bone mass! EatSmart is the future of scales and the future is now. EatSmart!

EatSmart , Live Long & Prosper

 

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weight loss

*Change anyone?* It’s that time of year again. You know what ‘m referring to, no not back-to-school, that was Monday. It’s a little over a month until my birthday and you know that can only mean ONE thing…mental, physical and spiritual inventory must be taken. This is my process so this morning I had my first ( of what will be many, many) come to Jesus meetings over the next year. I had it with Jose. No, it’s not some nickname we Latinos have for the almighty, it’s my little brother who is one ( as I found out the hard way this morning) hardcore, ass kicking personal trainer.Seriously, it’s his profession. I knew that he knew how to take care of himself, obviously. He’s always been in top physical shape since he was old enough to lift his first dumbbell. But we’ve never lived in the same city. Now, we do. This is Jose.

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change

This is Jose. This is 200 lbs. of badass personal training in a 160 lb. bag of cuteness.I think the photo says it all *Charming*

He who rejects change is the architect of decay~Harold Wilson

Doesn’t he look sweet? That’s what I thought. What you are looking at, my friends, is my salvation ( physically speaking anyways). Two years ago, we moved to a new city. My life hit the reset button. I joined Weight Watchers and lost 25 pounds. Life was good. Then the Big Guy was downsized. Life was not so good.I had to quit the program and since I am very apparently a stress eater, I ate those 25 pounds right back on and with them came a few more. I was depressed about it. Former eating disorder girl say what. It’s really hard trying to stay the straight and narrow when what you are doing is so NOT working. But I do. I fight the urge every day to seek the comfort of the path that I know. I fight to be a good example for my girls. I fight to be the change I want to see in the world for the young girls today. I want to be better than my circumstances.

Then last year, right smack dab in the middle of the whole commuter marriage fiasco, I was offered an amazing opportunity to be a Nutrisystem Nation Blogger. Again, I lost that 20 pounds and felt amazing. But then life started spinning out of control again. Then we had to put the house on the market, we were going to be moving and I was stressed beyond capacity. There was my old friend ( arch nemesis) food to comfort away the uncertainty. That is if comfort means to bury it deep down and surround it by a giant hug of fat. But the only uncertainty it remedied was the uncertainty of whether or not I would gain back those 20 pounds again. Guess what? I did! What can I say those damn 20 pounds llloooovvvveeee me! Me, not so much feeling that love.

If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.  ~Mary Engelbreit

That brings us to this morning. We are moved. I am hitting the reset again. Hopefully for the last time for a long time. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am happy. I know it. I feel it in my very core ( well, that and a terrible side stitch that I haven’t been able to shake since my brother boot-camp). I have committed myself to the drill Sargent my little brother and made a promise to myself…I will feel comfortable in this skin of mine.Body dysmorphic disorder and Bulimia/Anorexia can all be damned. I’m not having it, ever again. With the  help of my brother, the MOST invested, no nonsense personal trainer that anyone could ever ask for, fueled by a genuine concern and love for his sister, the next year will bring about huge change. I have a goal that I want to hit by my birthday next year and he is going to help me reach my goal. This is one of those moments in life where you are standing at a cliff and you have to decide if you want to take a chance and jump or maintain the status quo. I’m jumping! After this week, I may not be walking but I am jumping.

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change

We're going to call this the official BEFORE photo. I'll allow you to see me a sweaty mess but sweaty ponytail, no makeup and luggage under my eyes..A girl's got to maintain some tiny dignity:)

This journey is about more than just losing weight. It is about changing my entire lifestyle..forever. It’s no diets or gimmicks, it’s me facing the mirror and taking a good hard look at myself. It’s hard work personal training with my brother and learning to make good, healthy choices with real food. It’s me learning to live in the world. It’s me learning to love my body for all that it is and none of what it’s not. This is me, yelling it from the top of the cliff. I am proclaiming it to the world. It will happen. And this time when the first 25 pounds comes off, I’m giving all the clothes that are too big to the homeless shelter.I will do it every 25 pounds until all I am left with are the clothes that fit who I become.

My change starts right now

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Today , I stopped over at The Curvy Girls Guide and read an article about all these brave women telling the world their weight and posting beautiful pictures of themselves. In the article Getting Real about Your Weight, I was hit immediately by how deeply I could relate to the first paragraph

“For twelve years, I have hidden my weight from my husband, refusing to step on a scale in front of him. This man sees me naked every day.  He’s been in the bathroom while I pee.  He’s held my hair while I vomited (from the flu…not tequila…give me some credit here).  He has touched every single inch of my body.  Yet, my weight has been a shameful secret.”

I have spent most of my adult life, as long as I can remember, obsessing over my weight. Always wanting to be just that 10 pounds less. I’ve been a 5 and a 20 and everywhere in between. This is not an easy thing for me to admit..or accept. I am very sensitive about my weight and have gone to extremes to keep it down. This is evidenced by the time my all consuming fear of the freshman 15 sent me into an 8 year battle with anorexia and bulimia. So obviously, when I see these women being so loud and proud. I am simultaneously impressed and proud of their courage but at the same time the thought of sharing my actual weight “in numbers” horrifies me and  I think I would avoid it at all and any costs.

But in the fall of 2009, when I was the heaviest that I have ever been, I just felt that I had to tell my husband. I know he has eyes and can see but for the same reasons that I kept my deep dark secret, I needed to be honest with him.For the 8 years that I was consumed by eating disorders, I was a liar( to myself and everyone around me..about food), a manipulator ( I could convince people that they had seen me eat, even when they had not), I was not the person that I wanted to be..aside from the body.It left me feeling guilty and shameful. They say you are only as sick as your deepest secrets, well, I needed to unburden myself of the weight secret before into sent me back into another tail spin. I had to be honest with him as a way of being completely honest and accountable to myself.

My husband knows about the history of eating disorder, he was a big catalyst for why I stopped 13 years ago. I just couldn’t face the thought of him finding out on his own and thinking I was completely crazy, or worse marrying him and getting so consumed by the disease that he lost me. Either way, I pulled a Charlie Sheen and I made the decision to stop, and I followed that by 3 years of weekly therapy. Yes, I’ve examined myself inside and out..several times.

But fall of 2009, more nervous than I was the first time I had to break the news to him that we were pregnant, I took a deep breath and I made the decision to say the number out loud. With trepidation, I uttered those three numbers.It was terrifying, sad, and scary.In that moment, I faced my biggest fear.

Now,I am working hard to get this weight off  and keep it off the healthy way with the help of Nutrisystem, this really helps me with my portion control. I am also , as an ex Weight Watcher, counting calories and watching points and getting more active. I need control of the weight. I’m not vomiting or starving myself anymore so I have to be sure that I am aware of what I allow into my body. I hate that I am this way but it’s just the way I’ve been hardwired for so long.I always say being an person who had eating disorders is like being an alcoholic, you may refrain from partaking but you have already tasted the forbidden fruit and you know that option is there..looming. I am in no danger of returning.I’m working my journey and I will get to where I feel good in my skin and then I WILL PROCLAIM MY WEIGHT WITH PICTURES AND A VLOG. But for now, I’m still a little too raw about the number on the scale, the size of the jeans, and the way my clothes hang on my body.But I will get there, not to a number…to the feeling, of comfort and grace. Curvy is beautiful but we all have a place where we need to dwell within ourselves that leaves us feeling beautiful and peaceful.This is all that I want, that’s all that anyone wants. Isn’t it?

But I wanted to point out these beautiful , brave women. Please go check out the article and leave them so me love. And if you’ve ever been where I’ve been, love yourself. You are beautiful. You are amazing!

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Well, after last weeks posts,most of you are aware that I have had some  issues with my weight. Or should I say that I have struggled with my weight since I was old enough to realize what weight and body image were.I wasn’t necessarily heavy the entire time but you remember how when you were a teenager, absolutely everything was life or death, well for me the entire focus was on my body. I had thin athletic parents and all my friends were stereo typical cheerleader types in high school.So, that made being average sized feel like I was morbidly obese, though I was not.

Then I went away to college and I was so deathly afraid of gaining the “freshman 15” that I literally started starving myself to death. Since then, its been a string of me trying to find a way to keep my body at a weight that was healthy without starving to death or restricting myself.It’s a hard balance to find.I’ve lost and I’ve gained, like most women in America. ..the world, really. You start having children and before you know it, you’ve put on a few extra pounds here, then a few more there and soon you are looking in the mirror and wondering who the hell this person staring back at you is in the mirror. Being a Mommy, I am guilty of always putting my girls first. I try to find time for me but it is truly few and far between, especially now with the Big Guy gone so much for work. A couple months ago, I decided it was time to find my way back to “me” in Mommy. I really made a concerted effort to find some me time, exercise, make myself look presentable, date nights and some of it has stuck and some has not.One of the first things I noticed  to go, as I sit here typing in my yoga pants and sweatshirt, was the taking time to get ready in the morning.Don’t get me wrong, the reminder has eliminated the yoga pants and ponytails appearance every day. But I realized as I don’t feel good in my own skin; my body isn’t where I want it to be, it has become harder to feel presentable..even in a nice dress and a hot pair of heels.

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This was in September this year on my Birthday.This is what I look like today as I start this journey!

So, I have resolved that I need to lose some weight, for me. Not for my husband or society but for me.I was joking and told my husband that I was going to call this journey my journey from hot mess to hot mommy but that’s not true. I am  NOT a hot mess. I’ve pretty much got it together,with the exception of my weight. I’m simply a woman on a journey to feel comfortable in my own skin. Lucky for me, I have been given an amazing opportunity to be a part of the Nutrisystem Nation blogging program. They have agreed to help me on my journey by providing me with the tools and convenience to reach my goal this time, in a healthy way. No, I’m not making a big reveal of my starting weight..I’m honest, not crazy, but my weight is the one thing I keep private. This is a very big deal to go public with my weight loss journey because it is the one part of my life that is usually off limits. But I trust you, you’re my friends. You’ll be supportive and that’s what I am counting on. You are my accountability.I will keep you posted once a week on my progress.

You, my friends, have been with me through the metaphorical thick and thin of my life over the past year, now I need your support in the the physical thick and thin of my life. I’m starting this journey today…right now. My plan is to combine a lot of Nutrisystem with a good amount of Zumba and a brand new perspective. I want to feel at home in my own body, not like I am visiting a strange planet. I want to be healthy,I want to be a good example for my girls.I want to be able to keep up with my 3 and 5 year old. I want to not be mortified to get in a bathing suit for swim lessons.I want to believe my husband when he tells me that I am sexy.I want the mirror to reflect someone I recognize.I want to be around for a long time to see my children grow up and have my grandchildren. I want to be comfortable in my own skin!

DISCLOSURE: Nutrisystem is providing their  program to me free of charge in exchange for my participation in the Nutrisystem Nation Blogging Program and weekly updates. I am not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed in this post are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

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Not quite sure what the issue is but lately its been like a balmy 100 degrees of hell outside, and in addition to the Monica Barbados hair that I am sporting

I feel like I am definitely melting. Well, I am surely sweating perspiring  glistening a lot! It’s pretty disgusting! But I’m not actually sweating my ass off ( if only that were possible because after the past two weeks I’d be giving Kate Moss a run for her money). No, in fact, I am pretty sure I am completely bloated. Is that even possible? Is that a THING..can humidity make you retain water? I’m serious, my money is on yes. I actually discussed  this with a girlfriend, who just happens to be a doctor, and we are pretty sure that there is a “THING” where women retain water during times of humidity.Well, anyways, that’s my story and I’d love to be able to stick to it.Of course, the inordinate amount of ice cream that I have been eating as a cure for the human melting heat, could also possibly be the culprit. Nah, it has to be the humidity!Right?

Regardless, I am starting to feel like maybe I am resembling Ruby minus the red hair add the Monica!

Damn ice cream! Damn heat! I know, I’m not actually anywhere near 617 lbs. or even her 300 lbs, that she has most recently been at, but this is what I feel like. This is my perspective. I don’t want to feel like this.

So, what do you do when you feel frumpy? Lumpy? Gross? I’m pretty much sick to death of excuses..you know…. the ones I tell myself. Believe me, there are a thousand and 1 ‘reasons’ why I am a chunk but the real answer is…I’m not making myself a priority. I put everyone else’s needs above mine. I’ve tried once, last year, to take the bull by the horns..and it really made a difference. I made myself a priority in my own life and I actually felt ‘human’, like  I deserved to have time alone to mentally recoup and workout, to take the time needed to be a better me which made me a better Wife and Mommy. I spent time with my friends. I enjoyed life and felt like I was being a positive role model for my girls. I always conjure the image of turning into Gilbert Grape’s Mom, and how that effected her kids. Yes, I know..I am extreme!

Of course, these things snow ball. I was on track, lost 25 lbs…the right way by exercise and portion control. I was over the moon and feeling like for once, I was in control. Sure, I’d lost weight before but I cheated. I’d either completely starve myself or I would eat a little and barf it all up. It worked, though I’m pretty lucky I have any teeth left in my head, that I didn’t have a heart attack, and that my esophagus survived the 8 year ordeal( Disclaimer: I stopped this behavior when I got engaged for fear my beloved would have dropped me like a hot potato if he had learned about that particular puke flavor of crazy. I did tell him about it….after I’d stopped. We’ve been married for 11 years, you do the math. Just didn’t want you all to be worried I was running off to the lieu barfing between key strokes). But last fall, my birthday present to myself was “ME”. Then over the holidays life happened, we had to move ( again), I lost my workout buddy ( my biggest cheerleader, my friend), my whole life was up-heaved and then I was stressed about money and our livelihood in general. Add to that my husband being away, the stress of being here all week with the girls while my husband is often out of town, and the uncertainty of it all. It completely threw me off of my “me” game. Now, I feel like such a loser and not like the BIGGEST LOSER in a good way but like an idiot who had the keys to the kingdom and lost them. You know, sorta like poor Kirstie Alley!

I guess, I have to start prioritizing “me” again. If I don’t, who will? It’s my journey and no one else can take it for me. But my girls are eyewitnesses to my journey, their legacy….and I want it to be one worthy of them; deserving of me! I have to make an effort, make a schedule, make a list, sacrifice some sleep..whatever it takes! Because I know, I can not be happy feeling like this. I know that nobody’s perfect but right now I am not even close to being the best me that I can be. And I really feel like I need to be the best “ME” for me so that I can be a better “ME” for my girls. I want to show them to make themselves a priority! I want to show them what a happy,healthy, fulfilled person looks like! I want to teach them by example what it is like to feel comfortable in your own skin and to love your body and yourself. I want to show them to demand the same of everyone they know, because they are worth it. I want to show them..not tell them! So, please human melting heat go away; I can no longer take the cure! I need exercise, will power, a walking buddy, maybe a program and possibly a therapist..STAT!

 
Decide carefully, exactly what you want in life, then work like mad to make sure you get it!
Hector Crawford

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I know we’ve visited this topic before but it seems that it bears repeating. I am uber sensitive to the fact that I do NOT want my girls to have body issues. I have grown up with them and I know how mind effing they can be, especially on a teenage girl. Before I ever had kids I promised myself that I would not be asking the ” Do these pants make my ass look big?” or ” Does this shirt make me look fat?” in front of my children. You know, monkey see, monkey do syndrome and eventually that would parlay into something more. I have also made an effort to workout and eat healthy, mostly. I want to be a good example. Apparently, my example has led to this. Me:” Hey, Mama’s gotta work out. You want to work out with me?”
My 5 year old,” Nah, I don’t need to….I’m already straight!” ( I know you are wondering what the hell that is supposed to mean..just click on the link and all will be explained).
Me: “Yes, Bella you are “straight” (her term not mine) but its a good habit to exercise so that you can stay healthy!”
Bella: ” Nah, I don’t want to. Can I have some ice cream?”
WTF??? OK, I am a little alarmed because though it is nothing now. This could very easily and quickly turn into laziness and create a bad habit of not exercising and poor eating habits. So, In the spirit of being a good Mommy and not wanting to let things get out of hand. I shared this video with my dear  sweet girl. I know, its probably not a typical thing to do but for my girl…it was necessary to drive the point home.
[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XlglHUVguOE]
 After viewing this, Bella looked at me , with big saucer eyes, ” Umm, yeah..Mommy, let’s go workout now! She got so lumpy, she had to work out a lot more!”

Ah, my daughter, there is no way she is going to let herself get lumpy and have to do all that extra work to get it off when she could simply play outside and get some exercise to maintain. Nothing quite as inspiring as laziness. Wow! I wish I could have figured that out when I was younger. It sure would have been easier to maintain than to try and lose. Balls! One more lesson I learned from my girls.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

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