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Letting my Full Figured Freak Flag Fly

by Deborah Cruz

Today , I stopped over at The Curvy Girls Guide and read an article about all these brave women telling the world their weight and posting beautiful pictures of themselves. In the article Getting Real about Your Weight, I was hit immediately by how deeply I could relate to the first paragraph

“For twelve years, I have hidden my weight from my husband, refusing to step on a scale in front of him. This man sees me naked every day.  He’s been in the bathroom while I pee.  He’s held my hair while I vomited (from the flu…not tequila…give me some credit here).  He has touched every single inch of my body.  Yet, my weight has been a shameful secret.”

I have spent most of my adult life, as long as I can remember, obsessing over my weight. Always wanting to be just that 10 pounds less. I’ve been a 5 and a 20 and everywhere in between. This is not an easy thing for me to admit..or accept. I am very sensitive about my weight and have gone to extremes to keep it down. This is evidenced by the time my all consuming fear of the freshman 15 sent me into an 8 year battle with anorexia and bulimia. So obviously, when I see these women being so loud and proud. I am simultaneously impressed and proud of their courage but at the same time the thought of sharing my actual weight “in numbers” horrifies me and  I think I would avoid it at all and any costs.

But in the fall of 2009, when I was the heaviest that I have ever been, I just felt that I had to tell my husband. I know he has eyes and can see but for the same reasons that I kept my deep dark secret, I needed to be honest with him.For the 8 years that I was consumed by eating disorders, I was a liar( to myself and everyone around me..about food), a manipulator ( I could convince people that they had seen me eat, even when they had not), I was not the person that I wanted to be..aside from the body.It left me feeling guilty and shameful. They say you are only as sick as your deepest secrets, well, I needed to unburden myself of the weight secret before into sent me back into another tail spin. I had to be honest with him as a way of being completely honest and accountable to myself.

My husband knows about the history of eating disorder, he was a big catalyst for why I stopped 13 years ago. I just couldn’t face the thought of him finding out on his own and thinking I was completely crazy, or worse marrying him and getting so consumed by the disease that he lost me. Either way, I pulled a Charlie Sheen and I made the decision to stop, and I followed that by 3 years of weekly therapy. Yes, I’ve examined myself inside and out..several times.

But fall of 2009, more nervous than I was the first time I had to break the news to him that we were pregnant, I took a deep breath and I made the decision to say the number out loud. With trepidation, I uttered those three numbers.It was terrifying, sad, and scary.In that moment, I faced my biggest fear.

Now,I am working hard to get this weight off  and keep it off the healthy way with the help of Nutrisystem, this really helps me with my portion control. I am also , as an ex Weight Watcher, counting calories and watching points and getting more active. I need control of the weight. I’m not vomiting or starving myself anymore so I have to be sure that I am aware of what I allow into my body. I hate that I am this way but it’s just the way I’ve been hardwired for so long.I always say being an person who had eating disorders is like being an alcoholic, you may refrain from partaking but you have already tasted the forbidden fruit and you know that option is there..looming. I am in no danger of returning.I’m working my journey and I will get to where I feel good in my skin and then I WILL PROCLAIM MY WEIGHT WITH PICTURES AND A VLOG. But for now, I’m still a little too raw about the number on the scale, the size of the jeans, and the way my clothes hang on my body.But I will get there, not to a number…to the feeling, of comfort and grace. Curvy is beautiful but we all have a place where we need to dwell within ourselves that leaves us feeling beautiful and peaceful.This is all that I want, that’s all that anyone wants. Isn’t it?

But I wanted to point out these beautiful , brave women. Please go check out the article and leave them so me love. And if you’ve ever been where I’ve been, love yourself. You are beautiful. You are amazing!

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parenting ad absurdum 2011/03/23 - 11:46 pm

Love this post. Eating disorders and weight discrimination are so rampant – we need to be honest and loving with each other and ourselves. Love you mama!!

Truthful Mommy 2011/03/24 - 6:37 am


THanks. It was a long time ago that I was in the throes of all the madness, which is evidenced by how hard I am having to work now to get into shape:) Mentally,I am in a much better place about it all, I think this journey takes so long because there is something that I needed to learn on the way,,to be healthy.Healthy is more than thin, healthy is a state of mind ,as well.Thank you for your kind words. XO

Bruna 2011/03/24 - 12:13 am

Your article today surprised me my friend. I did not know any of this about you. Wow, you are one strong mama for coming to terms with it and working hard to get back to your happy weight, the healthy way!

Truthful Mommy 2011/03/24 - 6:41 am

That part of my life ended when I was 25,but it is a part of my past and who I am. I still battle with my weight but now its an honest fair fight between myself and my arch nemesis:)LOL I was just really touched by how amazing and brave these women are to have shouted to the world their weight and shared photos.I wish I was that brave,,,but I am not there quite yet but I will be soon.Thanks for your sweet words, my friend. XO

Lydia 2011/03/24 - 8:44 am

You Are beautiful, amazing and strong! I’ve dealt with these issues myself, I still do. I’m counting calories now and excercising but as someone who has dealt with eating disorders in my past I have to make a conscence effort to stay within a health range. I applaud your efforts, let’s all let our full figured freak flag fly!

Truthful Mommy 2011/03/24 - 9:39 am


You know my heart because you’ve been in my shoes. I am glad that we are both such strong women that we have moved on and are learning to do things the healthy way. We’ll both be comfortable in our own skin. WE rock too much not to be:) Now go on girl, fly your full figured freak flag!!!XO

Krysta MacGray 2011/03/24 - 10:21 am

Sadly, I think most all women obsess over their weight no matter what the scale says. I just thought last night how warped it is that the subject that rules most of the conversations with my girlfriends, all of them, is weight, exercise, what we ate, what we didn’t eat, What we were tempted to eat, how guilty we feel that we were currently eating pizza as we were talking about all of this, how many hours we will have to log on the treadmil in order to work it off, how we are going to look in our bikini on vacation, how much baby weight we gained, how much came off, who is making what for dinner this week, what are you eating? What should I eat? AHHHHHHHH! ENOUGH! I’m sick of it! I LOVE food. Love it. I always will. I also, am comfortable with my weight. My friends are all within their ideal weight range, even on the smaller side, so what gives? What’s with all the obsessing? We think we can be more, do more, and enough is never enough. I am all for being healthy. And I know that when you are bigger you are not as healthy as you could be, so power to the people who take charge and say no more to that. Bravo for taking charge of your life so you can feel confident in who you are. I’m just here as a voice to say, I have a small frame. I should be perfectly content, and I am, but I’m not. I don’t think I look bad or anything, but everything goes into maintaining. If I have a piece of cake, I can brush it off. But if I add to that 2 cocktails, a cream pasta dinner, and carmel corn in the same week I FREAK THE HECK OUT. I really think we need to change our minds. I love food. And if this is what I look like while being able to meet with my friends for pizza and gelato every week, well then, that’s good enough for me. I’m changing my mind. WOW. I ranted. This has been on my mind though. We will see where this rabbit hole leads me.

World Spinner 2011/03/24 - 12:35 pm

beauty, health, body image issues…

Here at World Spinner we are debating the same thing……

XLMIC 2011/03/24 - 6:03 pm

You need to check out Becky’s blog… Balancing the Scale (https://www.beckyloses200.blogspot.com/) She is super nice and a real inspiration.

Jess@Straight Talk 2011/03/25 - 9:03 am

You are awesome. And I’m so glad you shared this powerful post. xoxo

Mommy Nani Booboo 2011/03/25 - 7:38 pm

You’re so fucking amazing- I love you more and more all the time.
Thank you for being honest. It’s the bravest thing to do.

Sarah 2011/03/28 - 12:47 pm

I can understand the struggle of not being where you want to be and also the admiration of the women who are brave enough to say such difficult personal stuff in front of everyone like that. It would scare the crap out of me too. However, I think that you’re selling yourself short when you think that what you just did in this post isn’t brave like that. I think you’re very courageous. It’s hard to be that open with others… especially when it’s a challenge to go to “that place” with hubby. Thank you for sharing. oxoxo

Jessica 2011/03/30 - 10:03 pm

Loved this post and wanted to thank you for this information. I am now a follower on Twitter and FB & GFC. Feel free to follow back! #commenthour

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