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Divorce, separation,couples

Separation~When Together is no Longer an Option

by Deborah Cruz

Divorce, separation,couples

Separation is more than the space between two people

I am blessed that my heart is now a stranger to separation. Life is not always what I might have wanted or even what I had expected, every minute of every day. Sometimes things are harder than I think they should be or than I ever imagined they could be. I have my days when I feel like things could be better. I question why things happen to me or why they don’t happen for me. I think many of us have these days. I think it is part of our humanity.

I’ll admit that on more than one occasion, I’ve been serenaded by the world’s smallest violin and hosted the centuries biggest pity party but as I have gotten older, dare I say even a bit wiser, every situation that I have survived has made me stronger. Without the tribulations, the victory would not be so sweet. The Big Guy and I will celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary in May but the past 3 years of our marriage has been full of hurdles; due to circumstances that have nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with a down economy. We’ve had job separation, we’ve had geographic separation, we’ve had little money and we’ve had a plethora of stress and worry, probably more than our fair share. But we’ve always had each other to talk it all over with, to cry with, to scream and rage against the world; to hold. Through it all, we’ve had love. Separation from the Big Guy, separation from the family that we have built and grown, separation from that love would be like separation from myself.

Separation makes the Heart Grow Weary

I know couples that are going through tumultuous times in their marriage and permanent separation may be a very real possibility for them. It gets even worse when they have children together because they are the ones caught in the middle of the situation. Consulting the legal expertise of a child custody lawyer is definitely essential in handling this kind of heartbreaking situation. My heart aches for them because nobody gets married with the intention of it being a temporary situation. We marry because we believe hope that we have won the relationship lotto. We are ecstatic to have found our happily ever after. We exhale with relief and comfortable happiness sets in. It may seem naive considering the percentage of couples that divorce these days. But it’s beautiful to be able to give of your heart, your life, and your soul in such an unconditional, unbounded way. There is freedom in knowing that someone else is in this world to take your hand when you stumble, to carry you when you fall and to love you when you are at your most unlovable.

It saddens me that others feel it their place, their right even, to flippantly comment on such a private issue. Separation and divorce are devastating and painful for all those involved, especially the children. Handling serious matters such as child custody is essential because the children are unfortunately dragged into the catastrophe. No need for strangers to rub salt in the wounds. In the end, you are left with a man and woman trying to find their way in their new normal while mourning the loss of the relationship. Trying their best to survive losing the happily ever after. The pain must be almost unbearable.

It would be one of the scariest situations that you could be in as an adult. Learning to leap with no net, taking a chance and being brave enough to speak up and say that you both deserve happiness, even if you have to live apart. Willing to take the chance of losing it all and having to start from scratch. Nobody knows what really goes on in the hearts, minds and souls of a married couple, aside from the two involved. Please think before you make a joke or say someone deserves their separation because no one deserves to have their heart ripped out of their chest and stomped on.

  Separation of the Heart is Torturous

Today, I have been invited by the awesome @NatalieHoage to share my Mommy Moment on her site Mommy of a Monster and Twins. I hope that you will stop by her blog and see how I deal with the separation of my mind from my heart.

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Mrs. Jen B 2012/02/20 - 11:29 am

This is exactly what bothers me most when people get on their high horse and criticize those who couldn’t “make it work”. No one else knows what goes on behind closed doors, and separation/divorce is never an easy thing. Things must have been pretty bad, I think, to necessitate such a drastic step.

Not long ago I read a post in which the author pretty much condemned a couple she knew because they were getting a divorce. Like…what? Who made you God? Well, that’s what I wanted to ask, but I didn’t. I did, however, try to remind the other commenters that no one knows, and it’s no one else’s business.

Truthful Mommy 2012/02/21 - 1:30 pm

It’s crazy. Why would you criticize someone for their relationship status? People have loads of balls when they are sticking their nose in other people’s business especially when they can hide behind the cloak of the internet:(

Jacqui @SnglPrntRetreat 2012/02/21 - 12:15 am

I agree that people tend to make your separation their issue. Some out of love and trying to “have your back” and others because they don’t have anything else to do. I have my ex-in laws on my Facebook acct and anytime anything is said about my ex, I will delete it. It is not his families business what I share with my friends and family. I’ve even gone as far as opening another facebook acct to vent if needed.

Truthful Mommy 2012/02/21 - 1:29 pm

I just can’t believe that people think it’s their business to stick their nose in someone else’s relationship. What gives them the right?

Megan Lawing 2012/02/21 - 2:33 pm

This was a great read. You put everything so well. I hate it when people get into others’ business. It just means they have faults that they don’t want to discuss so they feel the need to talk about others. Ugh. Frustrating. This was great though.

Jill 2012/02/23 - 9:05 pm

I am not against this kind of issue about separation..

Family Law West Palm Beach 2013/10/21 - 7:01 pm

It’s unfortunate, but commonplace, to see outdie parties get involved in a couple’s marital concerns. We see this happen regularly in our clients lives. Thanks for the insightful post on what is a difficult process for everyone involved.


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