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  • My Daughter Loves Me, the In Between Years

    My Daughter Loves Me, the In Between Years

    It’s been a weird time over here, my daughter is growing up at an alarming rate ( both of them) and I feel like I’m physically, falling apart over the last few months. One has nothing to do with the other. But it just gives some background to my state of mind…vulnerable.

     

    We’ve had growth spurts and growing pains and I’ve just waiting for my girls to hit that age where suddenly I am their least favorite person in the world and I’ve been dreading it because honestly, aside from the Big Guy, these two are my favorite people in the world. Have been since the moment they were born. Sure, I have moments when I don’t really like their behavior and I’m not particularly fond of the eye rolling and sarcastic tones that have been making an appearance at my house lately, but God, I adore these girls.

     

    Lately between the bickering between the two of them and the moments of wondering if boarding school might be a better option for my sanity, I’ve been at the end of my parenting rope. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and outnumbered and, worse, disrespected. It’s been hard trying to get my bearings in this new stage of parenthood. I’ve been solidly knocked off my axis. But suddenly, there’s been a shift.

     

    Through it all, I’ve been sticking to my guns and no matter what transpires, my girls always know they are loved; no matter how unlovable they are behaving that day. My oldest, who is only 11, has been exerting her independence for the past couple of years trying to separate from me. I feel it. It’s natural but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. It does, like a son of a bitch and this is coming from a broad who has had unmedicated transition labor, a severely broken and shattered leg and relentless gallbladder attacks. My girls pulling away hurts more than any of that ever did. I was sure this was the beginning of the end.

     

    I’m not so old that I don’t remember that phase in my life when I tried to separate from my mom; the teen years. I was awful and I didn’t even understand what it was about my mom that was so annoying. I just knew that every word she tried to tell me, annoyed me. I know now that it wasn’t her at all, it was me. I was growing up, and asserting my independence was just part of that. Being a complete asshole to my mom, that was just me taking it to the next level. Sorry, mom!

     

    Anyways, my Bella, she’s been giving me the “ you don’t know anything” look. I know it well. I gave it. I could feel her pulling away. One day, she would barely speak to me then suddenly, the next she was trying to match me in outfits. I was so confused. Did she hate me or did she think I was “cool”? Was she messing with me? Adolescence is so confusing and puberty makes it all 1000x worse.

     

    I’ve been holding my ground. No matter how awful she is to me, every night I go into her room and kiss her goodnight and tell her that I love her. Every morning when I drop her off at school, I kiss her goodbye and tell her (and her sister) that I love them. I’m relentless with this because I never want them to doubt that or themselves.

     

    Over the last couple of months, I noticed that my daughter has been making a return to me. I know she’s only 11 and there is so much more of this pulling away to come but for now, she has become my biggest advocate. When her little sister starts to argue with me or talk back, my oldest has been intervening. I told her to stop because I don’t want it to cause a rift between her and her sister but I appreciate it. It was nice that she took the initiative to have my back. I appreciate that she cared enough to step in.

     

    She’s been pointing out the similarities in our physical traits and wanting to emulate me. There’s been a shift from “leave me alone” to “can I spend some time with you, mommy” and I’m not ashamed to say that I love it. She loves me and she’s not afraid to show me. She’s stopped resisting the fact that I’ll never stop loving her.

     

    I really think it has a lot to do with me being consistent. She knows my unconditional love means giving her what she needs of me, and that might not always be what she wants from me but she knows that she always has me on her side.

     

    Anyways, with months upon months of crazy stuff going on lately (like seriously, I must have pissed someone off who gave me the evil eye or I accidentally came into possession of some tiki a la The Brady Bunch). All I know is that among broken legs, attacking gallbladder and too many other craptastic things to mention, it is awesome to feel the love from my daughters.

     

    What’s the one time you really needed some love/kind word/smile/something good to happen and it did? Isn’t it amazing how it can change everything?

  • Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake Recipe

    Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake Recipe

    Pumpkin spice cheesecake is the epitome of autumn to me.

    It encompasses all that is amazing about fall; the colors, the smells, the tastes and triggers the memories of coming home, being home and being loved.

    Every fall, the world transforms into a menagerie of splendid shades of greens, yellows, ambers, browns and reds. The leaves are dying, but to me, it feels like the world is coming to life in all it’s vibrant glory. I was born in the fall and it holds a special place in my heart.

    I live for the crispness of the cool autumn mornings, the soft afterglow of that illuminates the world on an autumn afternoon and the sky, ever clear holding court with all the stars in the heavens. There is nothing that I don’t like about autumn.

    I love the warm colored clothes that we pile on layer after layer. I love the sound of leaves crunching beneath my feet as I walk through the park. The smells of chili and soups being made. I love my children running towards me with slightly red noses for hugs after school. I love cuddling in close to the Big Guy to stay warm. There isn’t really too much that I can say bad about autumn. I love it all.

    I enjoy those last moments of clarity before the chaos of the holiday season begins. When I think of fall, I think of all the good things that are about to transpire; my birthday celebrated with loved ones, sipping coffee and making real connections with all the amazing friends who live in my computer at conferences, back-to-school, Halloween, pumpkin carving and trick-or-treating with my little girls, giggles echoing into the crisp night air.

    I think of my niece’s first birthday party, I think of Thanksgiving and all of our family ( both sides) talking, laughing and bonding while the smells of turkey and pumpkin pie waft through our home. I get the warm fuzzies knowing that in just 3 short months, after months of rehearsals, my daughters will take the stage to perform in the Nutcracker. My heart is full and it leaps with joy each time they perform.

    Autumn reminds me that Christmas eve is right around the corner. A night spent playing charades, exchanging hugs and hearing stories told to my girls from the lips of their Great Aunt Maxie and their Great Grandmother of their childhood in Canada. Seeing all that love and watching our girls excitedly force themselves to sleep contrary to what all the excitement of Santa dictates, knowing that the next day, there will only be more warmth.

    I love receiving the homemade gifts that my girls hand make with love each year because I know the time, effort and love that goes into every second of it’s making. I love watching their faces as they open their gifts. The laughter and excitement. I love the big breakfast of gravy and biscuits or creme brûlée french toast. The smell permeates our home like an old familiar friend. And from there it’s another couple weeks of family, food and love and that is what these first crisp mornings of autumn remind me of.

    I’ve already started craving all the autumn dishes, the warm fuzzy feelings, and so here is a recipe sure to make your stomach and your heart happy. It will satisfy.

    International Delight Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake

    pumpkin spice cheesecake, #PumpkinDelight, autumn, International delight, recipe, pumpkin

    Ingredients

    For the crust

    • 2 cups of graham cracker
    • 1 stick (8 tablespoons) butter, melted
    • 4 tablespoons sugar
    • 4 tablespoons brown sugar

    For the filling

    • 12-ounces cream cheese, softened to room temperature
    • 10-ounces pumpkin puree
    • ¾ cup International Delight pumpkin pie spice creamer
    • 1 1-ounce package cheesecake-flavored instant pudding mix
    • 10-ounces of sweetened condensed milk
    • 1 12-ounce container Cool whip topping

    Instructions

    1. Place the graham cracker crumbs in the bowl. Add the melted butter, sugar and brown sugar and combine.
    2. Spoon the crumbs into individual plastic cups (or into a 8 x8 casserole dish). Place in the refrigerator to set while you are preparing the filling.
    3. In the bowl of a stand mixer with the paddle attachment, beat the cream cheese until light and creamy.
    4. Add the pumpkin, pumpkin pie spice creamer, and pudding mix. Beat until completely mixed, scraping down the sides and bottom of the bowl to ensure that all ingredients are combined.
    5. Add the sweetened condensed milk and mix again until thoroughly combined.
    6. Change your stand mixture attachment to the wire whisk. On slow speed, fold in Cool Whip.
    7. Allow the mixture to sit in the refrigerator for about an hour to firm up.
    8. Spoon pumpkin mixture over the graham cracker crust and refrigerate until ready to serve.
    9. Garnish with drizzled caramel for an extra decadent dessert or with a dollop of whipped topping.
    10. Serve with a smile and enjoy.

    pumpkin spice cheesecake, #PumpkinDelight, autumn, International delight, recipe, pumpkin

    What is your favorite thing about the autumn season?

    This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of International Delight. The opinions and text are all mine.

    Photo

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  • Birth Control, Smirth Control ~ Who’s up for a game of Reproduction Roulette?

    Birth Control, Smirth Control ~ Who’s up for a game of Reproduction Roulette?

    Birth Control, Smirth Control! What a Friday it’s been. My boobs are sore, I’m so freaking irritable that my mom offered up one of her precious panic attack halting Xanax,I’m exhausted and annoyed and craving fruit like it’s crack and I’m Whitney Houston. But for some reason, my Mom is hell bent on asking me..”Are you pregnant?” This only further irritates me. Hell really hath no fury like a woman on the verge of menstruating.

    “No,Mom! It’s that time of month…why else are you throwing Xanax at me?”

    But then I started thinking, as I do every single month, because I like to play russian roulette with my reproduction…am I pregnant?

    birth control

    Birth Control

    Due to the stress of my life, after many years of EVERY kind of birth control under the sun, I gave up birth control almost 2 years ago. I’ve tried various pills, the patch ( that left a crusty bandaid rash..Ooh so sexxy), the Nuva ring ( which slipped out with increased cervical fluid, effectively defeating its entire purpose), vaginal inserts coupled with condoms ( why yes, it is very attractive when my vagina was frothing like a rabid dog. Why no? My vagina does not have a hangover and I did not insert an alka seltzer into my vagina for this occasion.) Hell, there was even a day in there where I considered getting an IUD (desperate times, desperate measures, my friends.) So when my doctor told me that I’d have to relinquish and go to a natural method, let’s just say I not so much gave it up as had it pryed from my cold dead hands by my gynecologist. Apparently, when you are over 35 and crazy stressed, birth control pills can cause you to stroke out or some shit like that. Well, you know what else can make a woman over 35 stroke out? A surprise baby!

     

    Every single month, I spend a good 3 days wondering…”Am I pregnant?” It’s really not ever a possibility because between “other” forms of birth control, abstinence, knowing my ovulation, only seeing my husband on the weekends and being prone to exhaustion and migraines…it’s more of an irrational fear. But still, every month it’s the same thing. 1 day of  wondering where the hell my period is? 1 day of thinking,Oh my God, maybe this could be the illusive little boy ( our unicorn). And the 3rd day, praying to God that I’m not pregnant.Then like magic, with a choir of angels singing in the background, I am visited by the gift of eve.

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    Birth control
    Michal Zacharzewski, www.sxc.hu.

    Birth Control

    Why do I do this to myself? Maybe it’s that 2.5 dream that’s been beaten into my head since I was a child. Maybe I really do want another kid? Nah, I think I just like having the option and I’ve always liked living my life on the edge. Keeps things interesting. The smell of a friend’s newborn is all it takes for me to develop a sudden onset of amnesia. Luckily, my girls snap me out of it by throwing an epic bedtime tantrum, reminding me that I’m STILL wiping asses and co-sleeping. Worse still I’ve lost half my hair from stress and my mom won’t be around to supply me with Xanax after the summer break.

    Birth Control

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  • 9 Ways to Grow Closer to Your Spouse and Stronger as a Family

    9 Ways to Grow Closer to Your Spouse and Stronger as a Family

    Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

    It’s a little frightening how many people I know my age have gotten divorced recently. I’m sure the pandemic didn’t help. You really get to know someone when you’re trapped in a house with them for 16 months. CoVid was a marital stress of epic proportions. I’m sure even the healthiest couples thought about it at least once during the past few months.

    This is why I am constantly trying to think of ways to grow closer to my spouse and ways to grow stronger as a family.

    Some of the couples I thought were perfect for one another, called it quits quietly. Divorce is, unfortunately, pretty prevalent these days with about 39% of all marriages ending in an uncoupling. Let’s be honest, no one gets married to get divorced but no one gets married to be unhappy either. Honestly, if the marriage isn’t working out, there are only 3 ways it can go 1) work together to grow together and hope it’s enough 2) do nothing and stay in a miserable marriage (this shouldn’t even be an option) 3) divorce and move on with your life.

    The thing is sometimes there is someone to blame, sometimes people just fall out of love and sometimes people grow apart. It’s not a crime but it’s not exactly the happily ever after any of us dreamed of. People are busier than ever before; kids are overscheduled, parents are overworked, overwhelmed and exhausted and no one has time to just be present anymore. This is where things can start to slowly fall through the cracks and no one even notice it.

    The best thing we can do as couples is spending quality time together; one-on-one facetime, listening and touching. Hugs, holding hands, kissing and saying I love you may seem trivial because you assume the other person just knows but they don’t. Words and actions matter. It never hurts to speak it into existence. Take the time, say it and do it. It can mean the difference between 2 months and 20 years. This applies to building relationships with your children too.

    9 ways to grow closer to your spouse and ways to grow stronger as a family

    Eat Together

    Every day, everyone is in a hurry to get to work or school. Usually, breakfast is hurried, lunch is spent at work or school so make dinner count. This is something my parents do and something, the Big Guy and I have made a point of doing. Dinner every night at 5, unless there is an extracurricular, in which case, we all wait until we’re all there. Sharing meals is one of the best ways to come together as a family and check in with one another.

    Whenever you share a meal, stay focused by implementing a no phone and no television rule. Instead, be present and talk to one another.  

    Do the boring stuff together

    Chores and errands often feel like a lot of work and no fun. Obviously, kids (and adults alike) would rather spend their days with friends, relaxing, watching movies or doing anything else other than the menial stuff. Everyone who lives in the house should be responsible for doing their part of the chores and if you do it right (we add loud Latin music, lots of dancing and laughing and a definite start and end time) it can be a great way to bond as a family. Have a list of tasks ready and assign them accordingly; you can perform them together at a set time during the week or weekend when you all can do them together.

    Doing chores together fosters teamwork; if one experiences a difficult time, those who complete their tasks first can help and that tiny act shows love. If your kids have demanding schedules, give them deadlines to complete their chores. They’ll soon learn that performing duties together makes it more fun and fast than doing them alone. To make it more rewarding, have something to look forward to afterward, like enjoying a special meal or going out to the movies.

    One-on-one time

    Spending time as a family is great, but don’t forget to have one-on-ones with each other. It’s about quality not quantity. You can spend half an hour with each of your family members on different days. It’s as simple as asking what they’d like to do. Having one-on-ones with parents is crucial for kids; you get to discover what’s going on in their life away from home and their needs or troubles. One-on-ones with your partner is what feeds the intimacy that will get you through the hard times. Give your partner your full attention when there are no distractions; you can discuss issues to do with family and individual hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

    Laugh together

    Laughter is said to be food for the soul; it makes a bad day better and helps you bond as a family. Laughing stimulates your immune system and reduces stress; it has been proven to actually add to one’s life. Enjoy every moment you get to share in laughter, whether your husband ripped his pants showing off his killer dance moves at an impromptu kitchen dance party or you’re watching funny TikToks with your family (something we do often as an after-dinner activity). Whenever possible, create time to share stories, play games, or just cut up and laugh together. It relieves tensions and models to not take yourself too seriously to your children.

    Attitude of gratitude

    Family members do a lot for each other without expecting anything in return; saying thank you after a good deed can go a long way in making someone feel valued. Be appreciative by taking the time to surprise a family member with a gift, note of gratitude, or simply say “thank you” when one does something for you. It teaches respect and instills an attitude of gratitude.

    Create family traditions

    Family traditions and rituals enable you to create time for each other and memories; they shouldn’t just be for the holidays. Create routines like family movie nights, carving out pumpkins, game nights and baking days, weekly or monthly. Suppose there is an activity that you all enjoy doing, such as playing soccer, attending festivals, or picking strawberries during summer, do them together. These traditions ensure that even when the kids move away, they’ll want to make time to attend and be together with the rest of the family because of the fond memories they have of doing them in the past.

    Family vacations

    For us, travel is top of the list of things to do to ensure our family grows together. Going away on regular trips gives you quality time as a family, away from busy schedules and school. It allows you the space and time to be present with one another while making new memories together. Include everyone in the planning so that no one feels left out, including the kids. If going away on vacation sounds like fun, start planning, say a month earlier. Include it in the family calendar and inform everyone. Weekend getaways with your spouse can really reignite the fires of romance too and it doesn’t have to be far, just a local hotel will do where you can be man and woman and not just mom and dad.

    Exercise as a family

    Exercise is personal and I love my time alone, if I’m being honest but other times, I love long walks with my husband, bike rides as a family or a fun HIIT dance workout with my teen girls. If your family is into fitness, working up a sweat together is a healthy and fun way to spend time and bond with each other. Exercising together doesn’t require you to sign up for a boot camp, though that’s also a viable idea. Find simple ways to stay active while outdoors or indoors. When it’s warm, take a walk, run or bike around the block or to the park, create an indoor gym or plan workouts and do them together. If you have a furry friend, take him out for a walk together. It’s not about what you do, it’s about moving and being together.

    Make time for family meetings

    Meeting as a family is essential for you to check in with each other, discuss plans, or air grievances. We do this daily at dinner time. Family meetings also create an excellent time to discuss upcoming events like chores to perform during the weekend, day trips, or vacations. Schedule meetings on your calendar or check in with everyone to know their availability if it’s impromptu. Let everyone send in their items or issues for the agenda so that all grievances are discussed. To make these meetings effective, establish some guidelines.

    Family is the most important thing in life, couples, siblings and parents are all a vital role in it. It takes a lot of time and effort to keep everyone together and thriving. We intentionally set an example early on so that our girls would grow up placing a high value on family. The bottom line is that family is everything so enjoy and cherish your family in all the ways. Never lose sight of the fact that marriage and parenting take effort and don’t just happen. Remember to not take one another for granted and tell people how you feel, happy or sad, before things go left unsaid and unheard for too long.

    These are just a few of the ways, I work on my family and my marriage every day. It’s not the only way but it is the way that works for us. What are your best tips for ways to grow closer to your family and ways to grow stronger as a family?

  • What Is Affirmative Action and Why You Should Care

    What Is Affirmative Action and Why You Should Care

    Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

    In the simplest terms, regarding higher education, affirmative action (which stemmed from the civil rights movement in the 1960s) is the practice of considering a student’s background characteristics such as race as a factor in deciding whether to admit an applicant. This is typically referring to admissions policies aimed at increasing the number of black, Latino, and other minority students on campus. This is really important to me right now especially because I have a daughter who is beginning college in the fall and I want her to see diversity everywhere.

    This is done so that colleges and universities can factor race into the equation when considering who to admit. This is not a free pass for minority students, it is a part of a holistic approach that reviews every aspect of an application, including grades, test scores and extracurricular activities.

    The fact of the matter is that even though I believe that all people are created equal, not every one of us were dealt the same hand in life. Our experiences are very different, and race plays a huge part in how our experience plays out. Whether or not English is your first language matters. Ignorant, racist predispositions that society holds tight to are holding minority children back from evolving and succeeding in the United States.

    Regardless of how many “woke” people want to say they don’t see color, they are the minority and worse still, in many cases, they only don’t see color when it’s easy or convenient or doesn’t affect them directly. I’m not blind to race or skin color. I was raised to see the differences, embrace those differences, and appreciate the differences. We don’t all have to look and believe the same to deserve human respect. We don’t even have to be friends for me to respect your humanity. You still with me?

    The bottom line is that the goal of race-conscious admissions policies is to increase student diversity, in order to enhance the educational experience for all students. It’s a counteraction to white privilege. Schools also employ recruitment programs and scholarship opportunities intended to boost diversity, but the Supreme Court litigation was just focused on admissions. Remember a few years ago when there was a scandal about celebrity parents paying their children’s way into college? Yeah, see, minority children don’t do that. They can’t do that. We have to work for it. We know that education is the great equalizer and to be educated is to have power so we are determined to do our best.

    To be completely honest, when I was a teenager applying for colleges, I hated the thought of affirmative action. Not because it wasn’t for me. Nope, I was the exact kind of kid it is meant to help. I was a very smart, capable, involved, first-generation student from a blue-collar family who worked my ass off to get into my top choice schools. I did it. This little freckled Mexican got into Harvard and every other school I applied to.

    But I never ticked that fucking “Hispanic” box, not even once. I refused to because I didn’t want all my hard work being diminished and reduced to charity by some ignorant asshole who was jealous that I got accepted and he didn’t.  I didn’t want people saying, “Yeah, but you only got in because you’re Mexican.” No bitches, I got in because I’m really fucking intelligent, and I worked twice as hard as anyone else I knew.  Yeah, I’m humble too.

    My pride made me lose out on scholarships that I could have gotten had I just checked that box. But I couldn’t do it. I’m still paying for that mistake, literally. I refused to let anyone think I needed their charity. I was just as good as any middle-class Caucasian student only my skin wasn’t alabaster, we lived pretty close to the poverty line and my dad’s first language wasn’t English. But how could I, at 17-years-old, accept that as my destiny? I couldn’t.

    You can only live for so long hearing that “Mexicans are coming over here stealing all of our jobs, living on welfare and not paying taxes.” In my house, none of that shit was true. We were taught to work hard for what we wanted. In fact, if I’m being completely honest, that is pretty much across the board for us Latinos, at least for every Latino I know.

    We are not taught to take handouts. In real talk, most of us would rather starve than take handouts. We don’t take your jobs. We take the jobs we earn and deserve, and, in some cases, we even take the jobs that most won’t take because we’re taught from birth that family is everything and hard work is honorable.  So, with no shame at all, we put our heads down and do the hard, back breaking work to feed our families because that is the point of everything.

    When I heard that the Supreme court overturned affirmative action, I was conflicted. But, I wasn’t surprised at all. After the events of recent years and the blatant racism that plagues this nation why would I be shocked that SCOTUS did this not so covert microaggression against minorities? The more I thought about it, the sadder I got because what a boring and unseasoned life we would live with no diversity?

    Our Gen Z and Alpha children, they truly don’t give a shit about color. They see it and they respect it, and they move the fuck along. My daughters don’t discriminate against anyone because of the color of their skin, their religion, their sexual orientation, their pronouns or birth gender. My children don’t care who you love or how you celebrate that love. My girls, they judge you on your character and even then, they let it go. They believe in second chances and know that people are fallible. They choose joy and love over hatred. They make better choices than the generations that came before them and they move along. If you try to challenge their beliefs, they’ll hear you out but if you’re wrong, they will stand up for what is right and what is fair. All this to say, I hope these children stay this way and change the world.

    I think affirmative action still needs to be in place because minority students are still getting passed over and shut out of colleges and universities across the country. Look, my children have had the good fortune to go to the best private schools and have every privilege there is to help them achieve their dreams of university and a career. They have choices. My girls also have upper middle-class parents who paved their way. They want for nothing. They have resources, 3 meals a day, a refrigerator full of food, air and heat. Comfortable beds and don’t have to worry about things like translating for their parents or figuring out where they’re going to get money for school lunches or clothes. They have a stay-at-home mom with 3 Master’s Degrees who makes her own rules and chooses her collaborations.  They have the life they have because their father and I worked tirelessly to give them that life because someone gave us a chance to work for our dreams.

    But that is not what my childhood was like. I did have to worry about where I was going to get money for lunches, books, clothes and field trips. When I was growing up, there were six children raised on a factory worker’s salary and a stay-at-home mom’s love. When I went away to college, no one helped me. I had to pay my own way. As a 17-year-old, had to figure it all out. I had no support system, and it was very difficult for me. But I still made it. I went hungry sometimes and sometimes the cultural differences between inside my home and outside made me feel like I was from a different planet. In retrospect, I realize that I had to work twice as hard because my situation was different from the middle-class Caucasian kids that I went to school with, which is not their fault, but it wasn’t mine either. Being different shouldn’t be a character flaw.  

    Being a minority in the United States means being born with stigma and shame because the majority will make you feel like you are less than, no matter what you do. Affirmative action was an attempt to level the playing field. It wasn’t perfect but it was something and some kind of effort is better than none; if only to make us feel like we are seen, and someone cares enough to hold their hand out to help us up. It’s not a handout but a hand up. We’re not about stepping on the majorities back to get to the top. It’s about us all starting from the same point and being afforded the same opportunities to compete for opportunities, despite the differences in our skin color. That’s what affirmative action is about.

    There was one weird exception to the conservative Supreme Court majority’s decision ending race-based affirmative action in higher education on Thursday: military academies. Apparently, using race as a factor in admissions to military academies can “further compelling interests,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote.

    The distinction suggests that there could be value in using race to diversify some American institutions i.e., the U.S. military’s officer corps but Roberts’ overall decision says loud and clear that it would be unconstitutional to do so at public and private colleges and universities.

    I feel that the U.S. government is sending the message that they don’t mind our minority children dying in service to their country in the name of equality and justice that they can’t even fully receive themselves. By the same token, they can’t be afforded that same luxury at the collegiate level. This sends the message to minority parents that the U.S. government finds our children to be disposable and unworthy of educating. I call bull shit. Don’t tell our children they don’t deserve your help to better their situation while simultaneously telling them that they are perfectly okay to die for the same country, that refused to care whether they lived in poverty and ignorance.

    According to Huff Post, Liberal Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson wrote in her dissent, “The Court has come to rest on the bottom-line conclusion that racial diversity in higher education is only worth potentially preserving insofar as it might be needed to prepare Black Americans and other underrepresented minorities for success in the bunker, not the boardroom.”  What the fuck America? What the actual fuck?

    Affirmative action is about equality, that is it. No one is trying to out do the majority, we just need our kids to get a fair shot at achieving the same things in life as everyone else. What are your thoughts? Do you think affirmative action in schools is a good thing? Or is there something more progressive or maybe even more effective for leveling out the collegiate playing field for all students?

  • Kindergarten Jitters

    There is officially 14 days until the first day of kindergarten for my oldest, Bella. I knew it was coming… but I forgot how quickly. I don’t know why I was surprised their entire lives thus far have been a wonderful and crazy whirlwind. I’m just along for the ride and hanging on for dear life most days but enjoying every single second of it.I was so wrapped up in prepping her for the actual education that she needed before entering school that I never took into consideration what I was going to feel like when the time actually came to let her go to that first day of school. Not that that’s what is important ( well, it is a little to me..hell, a lot).

    My 2 little Goofballs! God how I Love ’em!

    Anyways, I was picking up some uniforms for her and she had to try them on. My daughters have their Daddy’s height and its legs for days, so to be safe we must try everything on. After all, I can’t send her to her first day at Catholic school looking like a little tartlet. She’s trying on the uniforms in the changing  room. We are all crammed into one of those family changing rooms. You know the ones.As her goof ball little sister, runs around screaming at the very top of her lungs in the highest, most annoying little chipmunk voice you’ve ever heard pass human lips: “Mommy, it stinks. Somebody Faaaahhhhted!” I’m trying to get her to lower it all down an octave( or three) totally engrossed in trying to put out the Gabi fire of 2010.

    Meanwhile, Bella ( ever turning into such a big and independent little girl) gets her outfit on and calls out to me, in her still very heavily babified voice(my bestie calls them her 2 little kitties ( meow, meow, meow, meow, meow) “How does this look Mommy?” As I raise my head up to look at her, my eyes meet hers, she is completing a spin ( ever the spinning ballerina) and then it hit me. Right there. Like a ton of bricks….My baby is starting kindergarten in less than a month. I was a little in shock, and a little bit teary eyed, a little bit proud, and a lot sad. It feels like the beginning of the end….of her childhood. What a place to have an A-HA moment. Now, I am in a mad dash to enjoy every single day left with my babies before school starts. I just want to linger here in preschool/toddler land for a bit more and soak it all up ,like the last glimpses of the summer sun.

    I am so dreading the first day, like most of you can imagine.

  • Friendly Flirting or is Facebook the Top Reason for Divorce?

    I ran into a situation on Facebook last week that was foreign to me. It was as foreign as going to another planet. I’m sure many of you have been in this position, due to most of us being so social media/tech savvy /plugged in. Have you ever found yourself in the uncomfortable position of finding yourself reading a complimentary email from an old high school chum on Facebook? Or, perhaps, reading a flattering comment on one of your Facebook photos? What about engaging in a Facebook online chat with an old acquaintance that suddenly escalates from platonic and pleasant, to a little friendly flirting and eventually you find yourself floundering as you have landed right smack dab in the middle of uncomfortable-ville? Have any of you experienced this? What am I asking? Of course, you have.

    READ ALSO: How to Tweet Your Way Into the Hearts of Complete Strangers

    Don’t be shy. I won’t tell anyone. I’m just thinking out loud here. But what do you do? See, the Big Guy and I are very open…about everything. (No, I don’t mean our marriage is open. That bitch is locked up tighter than San Quentin prison.) But every once in a while, someone we went to high school with will friend he or I on Facebook or vice versa and then it goes a little something like this. The obligatory, “Hi, how have you been?” (Just because it’s rude to friend someone just to nose around their profile to see how fat they got or how ugly their spouses are, right?) This is usually reciprocated by an “I’m good. Married, 2 kids, great job, blah, blah blah!” But what it usually means is, “I’m OK, living back with my mom, I’m fat, I’m bald, and my wife has left me for some guy who has more money.”

    Facebook is a time machine to your past

     

    But then one of two things happens, either you say hi and check each other’s Facebook profile out. You spend a good half hour catching up on what they’ve been up to, who they’ve married, do they have kids, what is their station in life and after all this and you’ve perused their profile pics ( oh, don’t tsktsk me…I know you all do it. No way, I’m the only one using Facebook to check out what happened to everyone I used to go to high school with.) and you are certain that you dodged a bullet or are glad this person is in your past, then you are done. You never speak again. Maybe the occasional unmeaning “Happy Birthday” because all 457 of their other friends said it.

    READ ALSO: One thing every woman should have

    Or things can go this way on Facebook, you say hi and then comfort takes over and maybe some chemistry on one or the others part, coupled with a side order of loneliness and BOOM! combustible..blow up in your face flirtation…or is that friendly flirtation n Facebook? But really is there any such thing as friendly flirtation among married people? If the two are single…OK, go crazy. But if one or both are married, isn’t that a recipe for disaster? Maybe Facebook should change its name to Divorcebook? I mean seriously if you ask me…Facebook is starting problems. Between any love you’ve ever lost,  chance you never took, or singles ads showing what you could have versus what you’ve already got…Facebook is an instigator.

    Hey look who I found on Facebook

    I think it is. I’m no fucking prude. I’m a certifiable touchy, feely kinda broad and I know that I’ve been guilty of a little friendly flirtation. So watch out..if we ever meet in person, I may be all huggy, kissy and ass smacking. ( not really but I will probably hug you out.) It’s no surprise to hear me say “Oh my God, your hair is so hot like that” to a friend (male or female, no difference to me. I’ve been married forever now and all you people are androgynous Ken dolls to me now. Whatever’s between your legs is of no concern to me) usually the Big Guy is standing right there. We all know, it’s me paying a compliment ( or in some cases being extremely generous) but everyone who knows me..knows that I am unabashedly in love with the Big Guy. So, when I say something of this nature, everyone knows that it’s JUST a compliment…its not an invitation for anything more. NEVER!

    READ ALSO: The Reality of Being Born a Woman

    But when you’re on Facebook and people can’t see facial expressions, or hear voice inflections and I’m only left with words and emoticons sometimes things get lost in translation and people hear what they want to hear or what they think the high school version of me might have meant. And there I am, smack dab in the middle of wondering is this friendly flirtation that they are retorting with or have they completely misunderstood the words coming out of my mouth? No one wants to seem like the crazy stay-at-home Mommy who is so far removed from the flirting/single scene that she imagines things to be something more than they really are but then again who wants to be the asshole who missed the signals and didn’t put a stop to the madness?

    Recently, I had a small issue that I just assumed was like every other time before it; friendly flirtation on the part of an old friend. I reminded this friend that I was married several times and this was not the sort of attention that he should be wasting on an unavailable person. I thought this would be enough to halt the whole issue. But it continued with conditionals if you weren’t then, would you? Followed by, I would never fain to even ask..but if you asked me…. that sort of shit. And it left me feeling dirty and guilty and I had done nothing. When the Big Guy came home, I told him. I ALWAYS tell him when these things surface and he ALWAYS says with a shrug of disinterest “Whatever”. It’s not that he doesn’t care. It’s that he’s not threatened. He has no reason to be but I feel it’s just best to always be honest and open about these things lest they come back to bite you right back in your big ass. No thank you. I don’t really much care for being bitten in the ass..well, occasionally but that’s another post entirely.

    My answer was to simply stay “offline” to be “unavailable” for conversation, friendly flirtation or marital problem instigating banter. In a day and time when people are meeting their best friends and soul mates online, it is no wonder to me that Facebook is probably, at least partly, responsible for a good percentage of marital problems and divorces. It’s just too easy, your spouse or partner pisses you off and oh, look at all the fish in the sea…right there at your fingertips just waiting to be engaged. So, I’m interested to know, Have you ever had this issue? What did you do? What was your reaction? Do you think it’s harmless flirtation or a train wreck waiting to happen? I always go with better safe than sorry, when it comes to my marriage…it’s too important an institution to fuck around with. If it comes between my marriage and hurting someone’s feelings, sorry someone!

    Has an old flame ever found you on Facebook?

    Facebook Causing Divorces Since 2004

  • Kindergarten Drop Off Kicked My Ass this Morning

    Kindergarten Drop Off Kicked My Ass this Morning

    kindergarten, dropp off,letting go

    Kindergarten is Kinda Killing Me

    Kindergarten hasn’t gotten any better for me; it’s gotten worse. This morning was the first day that I dropped my five-year-old off at school and didn’t walk her to her kindergarten classroom. I know. She’s been a kindergartner for 8 whole days, as of today. I should be over it. But it’s different letting them walk in by themselves. That’s really letting them go to kindergarten without you. That’s relinquishing control. It’s trusting that they are okay without you, that they will make it safely to class from the drop off point, that they won’t get overwhelmed and reach out for you only for you to not be there. It’s admitting to kindergarten that my baby is now a big kid. (more…)

  • Mommy Dilemma: Not Enough Hours in the Day

    Mommy Dilemma: Not Enough Hours in the Day

    There are not enough hours in the day. I don’t know when this happened.  When the girls were babies, I thought for sure that I was stretched as thin as I could possibly be. I was always blissfully exhausted. It was all about the babies, all the time. I was neglected. The house was neglected. My husband was even a little neglected but everyone knew and understood…I had babies. So, I got a pass of sorts. There were simply not enough hours in the day to be a good mommy and to be a crack chef with a perfectly cleaned and decorated home. I knew it, my husband knew it and anyone passing by reading the “please don’t ring the doorbell, there’s a sleeping baby in the house” sign KNEW IT!

    But a strange phenomenon has happened. I had my children in my 30’s. To me, it didn’t seem old. It seemed logical and, for me, it was the right time.  I just turned 40 and I was all, embrace the change and I am. I am embracing the shit out of 40. I’m squeezing that bitch so hard that her head might pop off. I swear to God, I feel about 30 but I have gathered some wisdom and I actually feel like I am in a better place in life than I actually was at 30. Surprise.

    Suddenly there is absolutely not enough hours in the day anymore.

    I was just having this discussion with the Big Guy yesterday, our life used to be filled to the hilt in every nook and cranny, oozing babies. Our life revolved around our girls. It had to, how would they survive and thrive if it didn’t? I loved it. Sure, I complained about having no time and no sleep but damn it, I loved every single minute of it. And any mom who has had a child in her 30’s will tell you, they keep us young. Hell yeah, when you are chasing babies and being pregnant, you feel younger because you are at the beginning of that part of your life. Until one day, reality sneaks up on you.

    Days are flying by at warp speed.The routine is packed full and many of you probably recognize it because you are living it: wake up, wake kids up, feed kids, get kids to school, have coffee, work, break for lunch, smush as many errands as possible into your lunch break, do laundry, fold laundry, never put laundry away, pick up the house, pick up the kids, do homework with the kids, cook dinner, give kids a bath,5 minutes of idle chit chat with husband, argue kids into bed, take a shower, check on kids, assure kids that if they don’t go to sleep right this instant you are taking away Halloween, remember that you forgot to call your mom back, organize the class Halloween party for both kids, email 30 parents, watch television while checking emails, brush teeth, every other Friday and Tuesday have a quickie with your husband, get interrupted by a child who has woken up,fall asleep, be woken up by your husband to finish, go to the bathroom, go to sleep for 3 hours until the other kid comes in to ask you to walk them back to bed and watch them until thy fall asleep, stumble back to your room, go pee for the 3rd time and then wake up 2 hours later when the damn alarm goes off, REPEAT!

    Not enough hours in the day. Not enough years in life.

    Next thing you know, you are the oldest mom in the class. Fuck! I hate when that happens. You might not look the part, oh but you feel the part. That moment when your 7-year-old knows all the lyrics and you don’t even know who the hell the artist is, that’s when it hits you. Or when you look at the other moms at pick up and think, Geez there sure are a lot of teen moms at this school. Or when you realize you don’t even know what is hip to wear anymore. You are going between yoga pants and DVF and this other mom is wearing TOMS and skinny jeans. That’s when you know. You are most definitely not in the same place in life. 40 may not be ancient but when the other mothers my age have kids in middle school and mine are in the beginning stages of elementary school. You just know. One day, someone is going to think I am my daughters’ grandma and then I am going to fall down and die…on the spot.

    I am 40 years old and there are not enough hours in the day to get everything I need to do done. My life is good. I make a living doing what I love. I have two wonderful kids ( mostly except for the rare occasions everyday at bedtime when their heads spin off and they lose their minds). I’m married to a man that I not only love but honestly, LIKE. I have great friends and I’m finally at a place where I was feeling comfortable in my skin. It lasted almost a month to the day. Then last night I woke up with night sweats and then I realized I did the same thing the night before. Next thing you know, I was up at 3:45 googling night sweats and perimenopause and on the verge of tears.

    It was most likely because our room was 107 degrees and one of the littles had found their way into our bed and was snuggled into me but you know, perimenopause is where my optimistic mind went at 3:45 am. There are not enough hours in the day to worry about imaginary problems.

    What makes you feel like there are not enough hours in the day?

    photo credit: ezra1311 via photopin cc

  • To Vaccinate or Not to Vaccinate, that is the Question

    To Vaccinate or Not to Vaccinate, that is the Question

    national immunization awareness month, vaccinations, flu shotDid you know that August is National Immunization Awareness Month? Neither did I! It is and whether you believe in getting your children vaccinated or not, there are some things you may need to be aware of. While there are some childhood illnesses that are seldom found in the western world these days, because of vaccinations, there are others that are still very rampant in the world and they do not discriminate by race, color, religion or socioeconomic standing. These illnesses will attack where they can and either you are protected, or you are not. The choice is yours.

    Do you get the flu shot? It’s that time of year again, back-to-school otherwise known as Cootiepalooza. Why Cootiepalooza you ask? Well, let’s just say that there is more than just death and taxes that we can count on happening in this life; we can count on back-to-school bringing with it lice, pink eye and the flu. If you have kids preschool through elementary school aged you are acutely aware of what I am talking about. My girls are in first and third grade and since they’ve been in preschool there are two things that I can count on every August; they will be going back to school and we will be getting sick.

    Before I had kids, I never got a flu shot. I thought, why would I? The chances of me getting the flu were slim to none though I should have known better since I worked with children. In fact, I had never had the real deal flu until after I had children. While I was pregnant, my Obstetrician strongly suggested that I get the flu shot; “strongly suggested” in the way that a mother strongly suggests that you clean your room if you ever want to see the light of day again. I did it after she explained to me that the flu is more likely to cause severe illness in a pregnant woman than one who is not, that it is safe and that it would protect my baby for the first 6 months of life and, more importantly, babies under the age of 6 months are too young to get the flu vaccine but are also among the most vulnerable to its ill effects. It would have been irresponsible for me to not get the flu vaccination. That was the first time I ever got the flu shot.

    Every year after that, my daughters have gotten the flu vaccination with the exception of last year, it completely slipped our minds because we were moving and wellness visits were in May instead of August or September as they normally are. Guess what happened? We all caught the flu. The real deal flu right smack dab in the middle of Nutcracker season. If you have daughters who are ballet dancers, you know what bad timing this was. Aside from the fact that we were bed ridden for 7 days, congested, feverish with cold chills and achy from hair to toenails, we were miserable on every level and our lives came to a screeching halt at the worst possible time of the year. I have never seen my daughters so sick and I never want to again. It was scary. Thankfully, they don’t suffer from any long-term health conditions like asthma or it could have been much worse. They are healthy children and it still knocked them on their butts.

    We will all be getting our regularly scheduled flu shots this year, as soon as they are available. Make no mistake the flu is dangerous. Each year about 20,000 children younger than 5 years old are hospitalized from flu complications like pneumonia. You can die from the flu. There is no coming back from death. I can’t justify not taking the chance of stopping something that is so potentially dangerous from happening to my children, especially after seeing firsthand how it wiped them out last winter.

    Will you be getting yourself and your children the flu shot this year?

     

    Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post to raise awareness about National Immunization Awareness month but all opinions are my own.