The TRUTH About Motherhood

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Tiny Ballerina ~Don’t Go breaking my Heart
My littlest ballerina begins to dance today. It has reminded me of last year at this time. With each passing year, my babies are a little less babies and a little more big girls. This makes me simultaneously ecstatic and sad beyond measure but proud always.
Months, nay years, of begging, pleading, and waiting for the day when Gabs would be able to put on those coveted pink canvas slippers and take her first ballet class had finally arrived. Gabs has been prancing around in Bella’s too large leotard and dancing, since she could walk. How adorable they had looked in their puffy pink tutu’s and tiara’s, “pliet”ing and “tendu”ing to and fro. Gabs was excited beyond anything I had seen thus far in her little life.
We, as a family, made a special trip to the ballet shop and got Gabs fitted for her first official ballet slippers. We let her and her sister pick out a new leotard and tights and Gabs got to pick out her very first ballet bag. The same as we had done for her big sister, 3 years prior. Bella was ecstatic to be sharing her love of ballet with her baby sister. This was one of those really big moments. You know the ones that you will look back on in 10 years and say, that was the first moment in the rest of her life. It was a defining moment for me too. My baby was growing up.
Tiny Ballerina, exuding grace and beauty
The night before the big day, excitement gave way to fear right before bedtime. Suddenly, Gabs was trying to use any excuse in the book to get out of going to her first class. As she was drifting asleep in my arms, she declared, “Me no go to ballet. OK, Mommy?” Umm, no that’s not OK! But what’s the point of arguing with an overtired, nervous 3-year-old? None, unless extreme aggravation is your desired end result. I told her we’d talk about it in the morning.
Morning came and she wasn’t budging. Ballet is a huge step for my Gabs. It’s something we’ve all been looking forward to but it is symbolic of something much greater for Gabs. I’m a WAHM so the girls don’t go into preschool until they are 4. Gabs is pretty timid in new situations. Bella is as well, but she is the suck it up and chin up sort of girl. Gabs is the kicking, screaming, dragging her feet, NEVER going gently into that good night. Never! Gabs will scream and refuse, she has no shame in raging against the dawn but once you force her to face her fears and anxiety, she loves it. This is how it works with this little one. Everything is difficult but everything is so worth it! It breaks my heart to push my baby ballerina bird out of the nest. Dance baby, dance!
My Tiny Ballerina is growing up too fast
2011/08/29
Throat Punch Thursday ~Twins in Jackie Burkle Trunk Edition
Jackie Burkle ~What is wrong with the mother’s of the world? Honest to God, what the fuck is wrong with all these sub par, crazy bitch mom’s lately? It seems every other day in the news, there is a mom who has either lost a child to some sick bastard, killed her child, or her child has been killed because she was such a shitty mother in the first place. Case in point; Casey Anthony, Tarah Souder, etc. I can go on for days. I am so sick of reading about people killing kids. What has the world come to? Today’s throat punch recipient is yet another mom, Jackie Burkle, who has committed heinous acts while employing the Mommy moniker. Throat Punch to you Jackie Burkle of Huxley, Iowa. I don’t care what your circumstances may be, there is NO excuse for killing your two newborn twins.
Jackie Burkle; Cold Blooded Twin Killer?
(AP) DES MOINES, Iowa — An Iowa woman (*Jackie Burkle AKA CRAZY BITCH) accused of killing her newborn twin daughters after giving birth at home was ordered held Wednesday on $1 million bond. That’s it? I think they should keep her uterus as collateral.)

Jackie Burkle, 22 ( so young to be so fundamentally fucked up. Hmmm? How old was Casey Anthony when she got away with murder?), of Huxley, was charged with two counts of first-degree murder in the deaths of her newborn twins last week. She made her initial court appearance Wednesday and was being held in the Story County jail. ( Honestly, I’m surprised that she’s survived this long in general population. Criminal Mommies take baby killers pretty seriously!) A telephone message left for her attorney was not immediately returned.
Police found the infants’ bodies Saturday in the trunk of Burkle’s car, parked in front of her home, across the street from the police department in the town of about 2,800 people, about 20 miles north of Des Moines. ( Can we say world’s dumbest criminal? ACROSS.THE.STREET.FROM.THE.POLICE.DEPARTMENT!!!!!)

According to court records, police went to the duplex where Burkle lived after receiving a call to check on her. (Apparently,someone had an inkling that this broad was touched in the head. But I wonder,if they cared enough to call the cops to check on her; why not check on her themselves?)

Court records show Burkle was seen Jan. 5 at work and “appeared to be pregnant.” She was seen at work two days later and did not appear to be pregnant “with a completely different appearance.” ( Yeah, the look of a psychotic infant killer.I’d imagine that changes a person.)
Jackie Burkle :What were You thinking?

Police have released few details but said Wednesday that Burkle lived her with parents. A telephone message left at a number for a listing at the same address was not immediately returned.( how could her parents NOT know that she was pregnant? I notice if my girls get a new freckle.What kind of mental bend did they do to this girl to make her so afraid or disassociated to have a ~~baby~~ babies that she not only hid but killed upon their arrival? Who delivered these babies? It’s hard to imagine a 22 year old delivering twins on her own,right?)

Burkle’s family issued a statement Wednesday afternoon asking for privacy. ( privacy to get their story straight!)

“The events of the past few days have been incredibly devastating,” ( yeah, devastating that your daughter is a killer and going to end up on some crime show called When mothers Attack or getting herself Throat Punched for the entire interwebs to see!) her family said. “This is only the beginning of a very long and painful process. However, the family of Jackie Burkle does not have any comment at this time.”
Huxley Police Chief Mark Pote said Burkle is not married and that investigators were working to identity the children’s father. ( Yeah, because she’s probably like a praying mantis and after they mated she ripped his head off and ate it and then hid the rest of the body. The police may want to check the trunk of any other vehicles the family may own.) Burkle has no other children, ( who are living or can be found!) he said.
Neighbors and “several people” who were interviewed by police did not report hearing or seeing anything unusual, ( maybe Jackie Burkle is a Scientologist; silent birth bitches!) Pote said.
He declined to provide any details about how the children died or the condition of their bodies when they were found. ( I don’t even want to know the condition.) It also was unknown why Burkle gave birth at home (because Jackie Burkle had NO intention of keeping them.You look mighty conspicuous if you have your baby in a hospital and then kill them.These were Down Low twins.), Pote said.
“There’s going to be a lot of unanswered questions for everyone, including law enforcement, for a while,” ( No shit! This mental midget is not going to just give you all the details. Maybe they should haul in Casey Anthony’s ass and ask her, since obviously this Jackie Burkle was a fan! Wasn’t Caylee in the trunk too?) the chief said.
Bill Walljasper, a spokesman for Casey’s General Store, said a co-worker of Burkle’s called police after noticing a physical change in her appearance and became concerned about her health. ( Maybe they should have been concerned when Jackie Burkle was hiding a pregnancy for 10 months? I think nosey is more the appropriate word for what he felt not concern.)

He said Burkle, who had worked at the store for more than six months, was scheduled to work the day police were called. She had come into the store but Walljasper said he didn’t know if she came in to work or as a customer. The store is only a few blocks from Burkle’s home.( Maybe Jackie Burkle was trying to buy some supplies, you know; a shovel, lime, a hack saw. She should have bought a rope and hung herself.)

“It’s a very tragic event,” he said. “It’s a very hard one to cope with.” ( yeah, because the only way that it effects him is because he’s short a worker and his traffic will increase due to freaks who think its cool to walk where a murderer once stocked shelves.)

Autopsies were performed Monday but final results, including lab tests, will not be available for four to six weeks.
Michael Motsinger, special agent in charge with the Iowa Division of Criminal Investigation, said the infants survived the birth but he did not know if they were full-term.
Court records show when police arrived at her home Burkle agreed to go to a hospital and have a blood test that indicated she had been recently pregnant. She acknowledged she gave birth to twins and told officers where to find the bodies. ( I don’t know why she killed them but I’d say it was probably fear of something; whether it were being a mother or her parents finding out or no help or whatever, but she could have abandon them or gave them up for adoption!)

She also acknowledged that she “acted or committed certain acts to terminate the lives” of the babies on Jan. 6, court records show. ( well, at least I give her credit for being more of a woman than that piece of shit Casey Anthony , at least she told the truth and faced her crime.)

Motsinger declined to elaborate on how the infants were killed, citing the ongoing investigation.
A preliminary hearing was scheduled for Jan. 20. If convicted of first-degree murder, Burkle would face a mandatory sentence of life in prison without parole. ( unless they discover that her parents forced her to do it, or she was raped for the last 20 years by the couple who kidnapped her and made her their sodomized sex slave, the father was the devil or she is just completely fucking crazy then this is the best place for her. The only other place she deserves to be, in my opinion is a mental institution.I think she sounds pretty deranged, not necessarily a sociopath because by admitting guilt she is showing remorse in some way.) Right?)
I am sure there is more to this case than meets the eye. This Throat Punch is only my opinion on the facts that have been presented thus far. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty or confessing, right? But today on Throat Punch Thursday….
Jackie Burkle, Throat Punch for YOU!

Hope you will link up your Throat Punch Thursday posts with me. I wanted to extend a personal invite to all of you to link up any posts in which you air a grievance, call out any asshatery,or just dole out a well deserved throat punch to one of societies shortcomings or political douche canoes. If not this week, I do it EVERY single Thursday and would love for any or all of you to join in! All you have to do is grab the Throat Punch Thursday button ( listed under the “about” tab at the top of the page), put it in your blog post and link up. If you’d like to stay in the Throat Punch know, I’d love it if you would email subscribe ( as GFC will stop working soon).
If you are more in the mood for funny today, at noon EST , I will be live at Aiming Low talking about Releasing the Kraken! Oh yeah, I went there and I can;t believe I did but if you are into laughing really hard about bodily functions, stop over there and pick up some new lingo for what not even Beano can stop. What are your thoughts on the Jackie Burkle case? Is Jackie Burkle a cold blooded killer or just a victim herself?
2012/01/12
Play Dates ~ You just might be an A**hole
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Photo Playdation
Play Dates please! I can’t believe it’s been six years since the birth of my first child, that means I have been doing this play date thing for about the last 5 years and 3 months ( give or take). I know, we were late to the scene. What can I say I was a newbie and had no idea what I was doing. Three moves later and I am still the new girl, ergo so are my girls. When they were smaller, I felt it was my duty to find prospective dates for my girls. I signed us up for a couple of the “it” classes that are imperative for childhood development at that age. It’s hard work but if I want them to be any kind of anybody when they grow up, I needed to put myself out there. I’d hate for them to grow up to be hermits or serial killers because I was too lazy to enroll in a damn Gymboree class. It really is the little things, folks.
Play Dates are not for the Weak
It basically worked like this, I’d go to our classes and cast my potential friend net far and wide. I’d try and gauge from the brief encounters with the other mothers and the public interactions of those Mommies with their children, who just might be worthy of our friendship, or at the very least, which other Mommies were on “my” level. I know, it sounds horrible when you say it out loud but let’s be honest, nobody want to be friends with the one eyed, mean mom whose kid barks like a dog and bites everyone. This casting the friend net scenario is very akin to freshman year in college. We all did it.Some of us cast the net, some of us were caught and all of us threw some back. You are scared, alone, new to the area and willing to befriend and accept just about anyone into your “clique”. Let’s be clear, you’ve got to start a clique so that you can be a part of something. We have a need to belong to the best clique (for our children’s sake) but we end up so desperate that we’ll have a play date with just about anyone who’ll have us; provided they walk upright,have two eyes and their kid doesn’t bark and bite everyone. That is until we get our bearings and regain our senses.
Play Dates the hard TRUTH
In most cases, the original play date relationship dynamic falls apart and ends in a tortured long death…much like a Kevin Bacon movie ( or this post..I knew you were thinking it). You see, the original net we cast to catch that elusive play date friend usually has a lot of throw backs. Just like freshman year, we find ourselves floundering to unmake the original friendships because we find that we have absolutely nothing in common, except for our one common denominator, said children. Common sense rears its ugly head to smack us upside our fantasy, a warm body is not enough to sustain a real friendship but it can foster a false sense of belonging. The things we’ll subject ourselves to in order to feel accepted. I don’t know why we do this, especially as Mommies, we are dragging our poor children into this pit under the guise that “this is what’s best for my baby”. In our hearts, we mean only good and can never, at its inception, perceive or fathom what twilight zone like situations we may soon find ourselves in!That’s right, I even cast my net and caught that mean one-eyed mommy and my kid may or may not have been barked at and bitten.Don’t judge. Its hard being a Mommy. It’s damn lonely at the top.
Of course, I’ve been doing this for years now.I’m a play date pro but my babies are not babies anymore. It’s turning from a situation in which my girls and I go over and hang out with another Mommy and her little ones into a situation where I’m the babysitter for some kid who wants to come over and play. Which I have absolutley no problem with, no way I’m sending my kid over to the kid’s house who thinks he’s a dog without my supervision. But, as I said, we are the new girls again. Where’s that leave me? I need friends too. Oh well, I guess it’s time for Mama to start trolling the coffee houses for my own friends. Zumba class? The library? The grocery store? Church? PTA? What can I say, deperate times, desperate measures. You better keep an eye out, you just might see me trolling the local farmers market trying to chat up some new mommy. What do you do to make friends once Play Dates are no longer an option? How do you get Mommy Play Dates when your kids no linger need a fix up and you are home all day?
Mommy needs Play Dates Too
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2011/08/30
Throat Punch Thursday~Bei Bei Shuai Rat Poison Feticide edition
Throat Punch Thursday~Bei Bei Shuai Rat Poison Feticide edition
This week, unfortunately, I did not have to turn to CNN for a Throat Punch Thursday’s recipient, Bei Bei Shuai. No, all I had to do was turn on my local news. I generally hate when that happens. It can never be a good sign when someone that close to home does something so equally stupid and heinous. Without further ado, I give you Bei Bei Shuai. Have you heard of Bei Bei? I’m sure that many of you have already heard of her. He story takes place back in March, how she has escaped receiving a Throat Punch this far is beyond me.
INDIANAPOLIS — An Indianapolis woman who tried to commit suicide by eating rat poison near the end of her pregnancy was charged with murder in the death of her baby.

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AP Photo

Bei Bei Shuai, 34, was arrested Monday and appeared in court Wednesday on charges of knowingly killing a viable fetus and attempted feticide, prosecutors said. The court entered an automatic plea of not guilty for Shuai, who is in custody. She was dumped by her piece of work boyfriend and went off the deep end. I don’t think she was trying to kill the baby as much as kil herself and the baby was collateral damage. Either way, pretty messed up situation.
Shuai consumed rat poison while 33 weeks pregnant, prosecutors said. On December 23, she was taken to a hospital where she admitted to taking rat poison in an attempt to kill herself after her boyfriend left her, according to a police statement.Apparently, her piece of shit boyfriend broke the news to her at 33 weeks that he couldn’t marry her because he was already married. I do understand her disappointment, dismay and even her full on freak out but ingesting rat poisoning is crazy. Sure it’s depressing to see that your entire future was based on a lie and it’s never going to come to fruition.Having a mental breakdown, even contemplating homicide all make more sense to me than going to Home Depot and buying a bag of rat poisoning and then proceeding to eat it.
Bei Bei Shuai Rat Poison Feticide edition
Shuai’s baby girl, Angel Shuai, was born alive on December 31. On January 3, the baby died after being taken off life support. An autopsy determined that the cause of death was her mother’s ingestion of the poison, police said. You see why she deserves a Throat Punch?
Shuai, is the co-owner of a small Indianapolis restaurant, is from China and has no family members in the United States, according to her lawyer, Linda Pence. Pence called the prosecution “mean-spirited” and “horrible” and wants to have the charges dismissed. Oh, they are mean because they are calling her a killer? Well, actually, isn’t that what she is?
“This young woman is truly one of the kindest, most gentle people I’ve ever met,” said Pence. Pence said Shuai’s boyfriend had promised to marry her and help raise the child, and then dumped her, leaving her crying on her knees in a parking lot. Shuai was near a hardware store, so she bought the poison to kill herself. Agreed her boyfriend is a piece of work but she’s the one who made the choice to eat rat poison.Even if she didn’t intentionally kill the baby, she tried to kill herself and didn’t care what came of the baby. Either way, at the very least, she was careless and reckless.
Pence said Shuai had been happy about the baby, and had bought baby clothes. The baby died in her arms after she had rocked it “for hours and hours,” Pence said.
Pence said there is a common law immunity for pregnant women who attempt to harm themselves — or else prosecutors could charge any woman who drank or took drugs. Pence said the law against killing fetuses is meant to target third parties — as in the case of a robber who shoots a pregnant woman. I’m not sure that I want the government to go down this slippery slope but I do know that she needs to be held accountable.
So, this week the Throat Punch goes to the crazy lady having the mental breakdown over a man whose first thought was “hmm, I think I’ll go eat some rat poison”. You, my dear, need a Throat Punch to dislodge your head out of your ass. I am sorry your boyfriend turned out to be a douche but killing yourself and your baby earns you a punch, Bei Bei Shuai.
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2011/06/23
Casey Anthony Jury Gives Free Pass to Homicidal Mommy
Today, a travesty of epic proportions has taken place in our judicial system, Casey Anthony was not found guilty of killing her little girl, Caylee Anthony. Casey Anthony was the mother, and I use this term loosely, of the 2-year-old murder victim. I, like most mothers in the world, was emotionally outraged from the court room antics and the entire situation surrounding the case.
Casey Anthony Jury Gives Free Pass to Homicidal Mommy
Do I know how it happened? No! Do I know for certain that she murdered Caylee? No! I understand that evidence was lacking and that the prosecution didn’t exactly do a stellar job. I understand there was a lot of speculation on people’s parts and circumstantial evidence but the bottom line is that Caylee Anthony is dead and her Mom had a part in it. Whether she killed her on purpose or Caylee drown on accident, either way, evidence points to the fact that Casey concealed it. Bottom line is that Casey’s job was to protect Caylee and Casey became the very thing that every other Mother fears the most…a predator.
The defense says Casey Anthony was molested by her father. While tragic and awful in the worst kind of way ( if it is, in fact, true), it in no way excuses a mother from killing her child. It’s being inferred that it was an accident. Perhaps it was, but what mother in their right mind would actively conceal an accident? Why were the authorities not called immediately? Her father was a detective, the man accused of molesting her. It was rumored that he had a hand in helping her to get rid of the body. Why would a person who worked in law enforcement even think to do this?
Casey Anthony Jury Gives Free Pass to Homicidal Mommy
I’m confused as to why one would be afraid to report an accidental drowning? Isn’t that less heinous than the alternatives? Couldn’t reporting the supposed accident have eliminated this entire murder trial circus? If it were an accidental drowning, why wrap Caylee’s head in duct tape, leave her in her car to rot and go about clearing her head while dancing the night away at some club? Then moving forward with the brilliant plan to dump Caylee’s poor little lifeless body in the nearby woods. Or was it on purpose? The thought is too horrific to even fathom. At this point is that question even relevant? The woman killed her kid or at the very least concealed her body and hindered the investigation..for what? She is culpable by sheer knowledge of the incident.
During the trial, Casey’s mother changed her testimony to try and protect Casey and divert blame to herself. Believe me, I understand trying to save your daughter. That’s how we mothers work, obviously, that trait wasn’t passed on to Casey. I do believe that there are 3 people who know what happened to Caylee Anthony; Casey, her mother, and her father. At one point, George Anthony was so overcome by grief or guilt that he tried to kill himself. I am disgusted with our justice system. We are allowing these people to walk free in the world while Caylee no longer has that privilege. I believe that Casey Anthony should be incarcerated for killing her daughter for the remainder of her natural born life and at the very least, she should be sterilized. She doesn’t, in my opinion, deserve to be able to mother another child.
Casey Anthony is a deranged sociopath. The fact that the jury saw fit to let her off of the charges really makes me question the whole trial by jury situation. Apparently, the prosecution dropped the ball and, aside from the court room drama, fell short in the evidential area. The defense team, however, led by Jose Baez, planted a tiny seed of doubt in the jurors head and that was enough to let a guilty woman go free.
Casey Anthony Jury Gives Free Pass to Homicidal Mommy
No matter what the case may be, Caylee Anthony is still dead and Casey Anthony will never hold her precious baby in her arms again. For this, I am saddened for them both.
2011/07/05
Self-Worth~I’m No beauty Queen,I’m Just Beautiful Me
Today, I’m linking up my Self-Worth post @ Ciaomom.com. I stumbled across her link up as, one by one, all of my Twitter friends were sharing it. Of course, I wanted to know what all the excitement was about and then I read her post and I knew. In a world full of self-doubt and deprecation, she is spreading the idea of self-love and self-worth. Can you imagine?
Self-Worth
I am the Mommy of two daughters and my biggest fear in the WORLD is that they will follow in my footsteps down a path of self-doubt and poor body image. In my teens, like most girls, I was very unsure of my place in the world. I was tall before any of the boys in my middle school. Then puberty hit and all the body changes that accompany. In a matter of a summer, I went from the cute, smart girl with the big almond eyes to being an amazon by middle school standards, breakouts, breast buds, braces, body hair, hips and being extremely uncomfortable in this new foreign body. 8th grade was a hard year for me. I no longer tried to stand out for excellence, I wanted to be invisible. I was afraid that if someone saw me they would notice (or worse) point out my flaws.
It didn’t help that my parents were both in great shape. My dad was very athletic and, once puberty started for me, he had the habit of telling me that I “needed” to run more. In my head, I heard ” You are not good enough yet, you need to run so that you can be perfect and worthy of love“. This plants a seed of self-loathing. Have I told you how much I hate running to this day? My already uncomfortable place in my new skin became unbearable. By the time I left for college, I was so afraid of the Freshman 15 that everyone had been sure to warn me of that I was resigned to subsist on the least amount of calories possible. 17, that was the age I was when I started on my 8 year battle with anorexia/bulimia. I never binged and purged. Never. I was a perfectionist. I starved myself to about 600 calories a day and then I vomited it all up. Everything, even water. If it went into my mouth, it came out almost immediately after. The very thought of food in my stomach was enough stress mentally to make me vomit involuntarily. It left me feeling NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
But this is not what I want for my girls. I want them to have an exorbitant amount of self-confidence, self-esteem and most importantly
Self-Worth
To do this, I have to lead by example so here is my list of what I love about myself ( after years of therapy and self-understanding:)
I love those big, crazy almond eyes of mine because I can see and cherish my daughters’ daily
I love my voice because it sings to my girls and speaks to those I love
I love my hair, it’s curly and sometimes straight and it’s beautiful
I love my strength of character because it has helped me to survive my past and go after my future
I love my resolve because it helped me overcome 8 years of eating disorder
I love my intelligence and wisdom to know what I can change and what I can not (even when it’s hard to accept).
I love my laugh, it’s loud and crazy like Ricky Ricardo but it is authentic and when you hear it; my heart is happy
I love my body for allowing me to conceive, grow and birth my children
I love my wit and humor which has allowed me to keep perspective
I love my personality that has landed me my wonderful husband ( of course the 25-year-old tits and ass didn’t hurt either:)
I love my uncanny knack to assess a situation, size up people and never back down from anything
I love that I don’t know the word quit
I love that I am so socially charged that I am NEVER uncomfortable in a group, in fact, I thrive amongst people
I love that I am honest to a fault
I love that I am genuine
I love that I love with the same faith in people that I have in God
I love that I can forgive and move past circumstances
I love that I have grown to love my own skin for all that it’s worth ( I still battle the body dysmorphic disorder) but even on days when my eyes are unhappy with the mirror, my mind knows better.
I love that I am not perfect but I am worth it. To quote Selena Gomez ( yeah I have kids…busted), I’m no beauty queen, I’m just beautiful me and that is better than good enough. And today, “I WOULDN’T WANT TO BE ANYONE ELSE!” Where does your self-worth come from?

Self-Worth

2011/07/14
No More Wire Hangers~Apparently,I’m Not who You want teaching You how to Raise your Child
Oh, I really wanted to write something super upbeat today but then today started off pretty shitty. In pretty much every sense of the word, use your imagination. It was just one of those days when you wish you could stay in bed and hide from the world. But we get up and we power through, it feels like what I imagine it to be like trudging through the Amazon on one of those perfectly outrageously balmy days with a heat index of 125, covered in bugs and dirt feeling like you’d like to be anywhere but there. You know the kind of day I’m talking about. If you’re lucky, its been so long that you don’t remember how awful these kinds of days are but if you are not so lucky you are right here with me fighting for your living breath. The air is thick but the view is beautiful.
That is my life these days. Summer is passing by at warp speed. The girls and myself are ecstatic to be joining the Big Guy under the same roof in less than a month. Of course that roof happens to belong to my in laws and you know how that goes. I’m really looking forward to it since on our last visit, I was “teased” that I needed to be up before noon. Uhhm, have I mentioned before that I am an insomniac and stress makes it worse? It’s summer time, I am trying to soak in every single minute the girls will let us sleep past 6 am. Am I wrong for that? By the way, I’ve not slept in til noon since my honeymoon. And that’s just a scoatch of what is to come. Oh the anticipation!
I had my annual physical this morning and the bad news is that my hair won’t stop falling out until the stress is gone. Fingers crossed, I’m not completely bald before it’s all said and done. Good news, doctor said I’m so stressed to not worry about the weight gain lest I cause more hair to fall out. Wow! A fat and bald girl…can you say SUPER DUPER sexy? I’m thinking no chance of any accidental pregnancies around here.
Then I was told in a super secret email from one of my readers that I am filthy and profane. She also told me that she is a parent educator and she would never (*No more wire hangers) recommend me as a source to her parents. Well, seriously what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Was there ever any real danger that someone would mistake my blog for a parent education tool? This is satire, humour and reality..my reality. I don’t expect any one of you to tell your family or friends to use me as their go to source for parenting. If so, heaven help us all. I expect you smart people to learn from my mistakes not repeat them!

2011/07/19
Tampons, Treatises and the Toddlerish set
Have you heard the one about the box of disappearing tampons? Can you explain it to me?
*TMI alert! Tampons
My girls do everything with me. With the Big Guy out of town, the attachment parenting has been taken to an entirely different level. I want boundaries. I want to wax my lip in private. I want to change a freaking tampon without having to make it seem like a magic trick where no one sees anything.Oohhh, its an illusion. My littlest once caught a glimpse of something and gasped and almost fainted because apparently she thought I had cut myself and was bleeding out.I went with it. Yes, Mommy has a booboo. I’m OK, I just have to use one of my special Mommy band aids. So, the girls KNOW that those are Mommy’s special band aids.
Imagine my surprise when I went to find one of my “special” band aids and NONE were to be found. I was getting flashbacks of the missing toothpaste incident. Oh wait, I know..look in the garbage. Remember where I found the girl’s missing hair? There they were… an entire boxes worth of applicators. APPLICATORS!!! Where were the cotton balls attached to string? Nowhere to be found that is where. What was going through their mind when they did this? Are they anti Tampon? Pro Diva Cup? Trying desperately to save me from a gnarly case of Toxic Shock Syndrome?
Tampons and Treatises
I interrogated those two littles for almost 2 hours. There was a lot of ” I didn’t do it”s, “Ask her”s and “I don’t know Mommy” followed by tears, hyperventilating and finger pointing. But still NO FREAKING COTTON. Those kids are unbreakable! They should bypass kindergarten and go straight to the CIA. Let’s be honest, I’m not married to David Blaine or David Copperfied and I sure as hell don’t think that Tampax can evaporate. So, as I sit there bewildered with my Diva Cup in hand wondering where the hell all the cotton in my house has gone to, I go for the last ditch effort to get myself an answer.
“Tell me where the cotton balls are Abbi?”
Abbi,”The Ones with the strings”
“yes!”
“Uhhm, Me no know!”
“Tell me or I’m taking away your tv for a week”
“Mommy, how long is a week?”
“7 days!”
“One, two, three, ….seven. Me can do that!” and with that she skipped off into the sunset.
I just hope the next person who comes to my house for a showing doesn’t open a closet or drawer and get attacked by an army of zombie Tampax tampons wondering the world aimlessly searching for their applicator counterparts.
Tampons, Treatises and the Toddlerish Set
2011/07/19
The Breast Milk Baby Doll Dooms the Free World
The Breast Milk Baby Doll Dooms the World, or that’s what some people would have you think. By now, I’m sure all of you social media savvy parents have heard the controversy of this completely innocent doll. The doll which is manufactured by Berjuan toys is simply a cute baby doll that comes in 6 styles ( male, female, variety of ethnicities) and can simulate a breastfeeding baby. It helps little girls to simulate being just like their Mommy. I think it’s sweet, precious even. Just like I did when my oldest child would simulate feeding her babies while I breastfed my youngest. How could anyone find it offensive? It’s not like the manufacturers are suggesting you make ice cream from the simulated breast milk? Isn’t breastfeeding the most natural thing in the world? It’s part of the magic of motherhood, right?
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If this looks sexual to you, YOU are the one with the problem…not this little girl.
The Breast Milk Baby Doll
The breast milk baby doll comes with a small apron that is outfitted with 2 small flowers on the chest area that are magnetized and cause a “suckling” when the baby doll is drawn near. The doll’s purpose is help children learn to be more nurturing and loving, not perverts as some would have you believe. It’s not a blow job baby, now is it? Now, that would be sexualization.
It really irritates me that people would get so up in arms about a doll that is emulating a natural, wholesome way to nurture future babies. Nobody gives a rats ass if our little girls play with dolls that take bottles, wear pampers, cry, pee, poop and eat pretend baby food (which by the way I totally do give a rats ass about! Dude, who do you think has to clean up all that simulated pee and poop? ME! One more diaper to change! Now, that’s offensive.) But the minute you throw a doll that perpetuates a more natural lifestyle, people cry sexualization. How is breastfeeding sexualization? Jeez, it’s not like that Single Ladies video of scantily dressed children from last year. It’s a suckling baby doll, people!
The Breast Milk Baby Doll
I, personally, think if ANYONE sees another person breastfeeding and finds the experience arousing or sexual …they are the person with the issue. They are the pervert. If it were a doll that necessitated a simulated sexual encounter to release it from it’s box, I’d consider that sexualization. But just because a company happens to be pioneers in providing a doll that does what millions of little girls have been doing for thousands of years does not make the breast milk baby doll the doom of the free world.
The Breast Milk Baby Doll
What are your thoughts on this doll? Would you be offended if you saw a child “breastfeeding” their “baby”? Why? Why not? Would you buy your child the Breast milk Baby Doll?[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]
2011/07/20
Popcorn Love
To celebrate summer fun, Redbox is asking moms, “What’s your family’s go-to movie night snack?” Plus, they are rewarding 2 lucky people with a chance to win $10,000 as part of the Redbox Summer of Fun & Games Sweepstakes.
My family’s favorite go-to movie night snack has to be popcorn. I’m sure this is typical in most households but for this Chicago girl, nothing goes better with a great movie than Garrett’s Chicago Mix popcorn.
When the weather’s rainy and cold, there’s nothing quite like cuddling up under some blankets close to those you love the most, watching a great family movie and munching on popcorn.
If the weather is miserably hot outside, at my house we call that a lounge day. We pick a movie the whole family will enjoy like Beverly Hills Chihuahua II or Grease and we have good time laughing together and munching on a fabulous mix of cheese and carmel corn ( Chicago Style).
I may not live in the Chicagoland area these days but believe me when I tell you that my girls KNOW if there’s a great movie on the screen, Chicago mix popcorn should be on the table. We’ve even learned to improvise and make our own mix. I love sharing this special treat and my love of a good movie with my girls.
I hope someday my girls will be watching a great movie, cuddled up with their little ones, eating some Chicago Mix Popcorn and think of special moments spent with their father and myself. I hope they get the same warm fuzzy feeling that I get sharing these extraordinary ordinary moments with them now.
Redbox is celebrating summer family time with a great line up of family-friendly titles, awesome savings and two chances to win $10,000 as part of the Redbox Summer of Fun & Games Sweepstakes.*
4 Easy Ways to Enter:
1. Enter your email address at www.redbox.com/summer
2. Rent a movie or game at a redbox kiosk (and provide a valid email address at checkout)
3. Reserve a rental online at redbox.com
4. Text ‘SUMMER’ to 727272
Enter to win today!
This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Redbox. The opinions and text are all mine.
*Each item rented earns one entry, regardless of how long it is rented, up to three entries per day. Limit 3 entries per day, regardless of entry method. The sweepstakes begins May 27, 2011 at 12:00 a.m. CT and ends on August 1, 2011 at 11:59 p.m. CT. No purchase necessary. See official rules at www.redbox.com/summer.
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2011/07/25