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The TRUTH About Motherhood

Search results for: “american girl”

  • Faster than a Speeding Bullet

    I’ve found that as a Mother, the moments that I learn the most valuable lessons are when I am not thinking at all. So sad but so true. For example, amidst all the craziness that this morning was..the girls were having a slap fight, Gabs decided to tell me : “You hate me! ME no love you!” for the infraction of not letting her wear long sleeves outside in the 90 degree weather ( I can see her point..I’m just a mean bitch), and Bella went completely deaf and ignored absolutely every single thing I asked her to do or told her not to do this morning ( again, must be me. How dare I think my girls should be held responsible for their actions!)! Stupid, naive, me…I thought it was going to be a good day, I woke up to sunshine, hot coffee, and Paramore and then hell broke lose!

     

    But, somewhere along the way, something clicked. Oh yes, I remember. I was checking my FB account and a friend of mine had posted her son’s senior montage. I watched it, for no other reason than curiosity. I don’t really know her son. As I was watching it, I started tearing up (just like I did at the end of Toy Story 3).

    Suddenly, like a ton of bricks it hit me…these tantrums and days that seem to be endless..are fleeting and passing me by at lightening speed. Before I know it, I will be watching Bella’s senior montage and sending her off into the world to be her own person; left to her own devices and there will be no more daily tantrums, slap fights, screaming matches but there will also be no more random I love yous, neck ringing hugs, co sleeping, spontaneous dance parties and silly song concerts! On a day soon after that, it will be packing Gabs up for college and sending her off.

    When we are waiting to meet our children, 10 months feels like forever. When they are toddlers and having tantrums, and it seems like the days will never end of changing shitty diapers, or we’ll never get to be alone again; these days we wish away. But I am here to tell you, if you change your thinking and realize that those precious little hands that hold yours will soon be to large to want to do so, that the child who won’t leave your side will soon rather not be seen in public with you because you are an embarrassment, and that the little girl who thinks that you are the world and annoys you to no end messing with your shoes, clothes and make up will soon want nothing to do with you.

    If we realize from the moment they are born, we are losing them and that with every milestone and tantrum they are one step closer to heading out the door for college, then maybe we can slow down, gain perspective and enjoy the madness; embrace the chaos, and love our children for the who they are today. I know its hard to realize this in the midst of the chaos, but take a moment and try to remember to cherish even the worst days because they are flying by and soon there will be no more chaos to cherish!

    Hug them, kiss them, let them play in the puddles, act silly with them, let them cook with you, don’t waste their childhood wishing it away.Sometimes you’ve got to break some rules to make some memories. It’s not about how much money you spend, how clean your house is, or what you cook for dinner. What they’ll remember is how much you loved them and how much time you spent with them….make it count! Happy Mothering!

  • Goodbye to Goodbyes

    Tonight, when the big guy had to leave us bound back for his hole (his work apartment) Bella and Gabs followed him out to his car and jumped inside to “inspect” it. I was on the stoop, as always, watching on. I refuse to walk out to the car to say goodbye, it just makes it harder.

    Bella, walks back and says,” I just needed to smell the car!”
    Me:”Why?”
    Bella: “To get me through..”
    Me: “What do you mean?”( I seriously wasn’t sure where she was going with this)
    Bella: “To get me through without crying!”

    And with that, I took a deep breath and so did the big guy, and we both held back our own tears at our little girl’s stiff upper lip mentality and little breaking heart on the inside. What an awful lesson for someone who is barely 5 years old to have to learn, little lone know and deal with. This whole economy and living apart during the week situation is for the birds. But on a positive note, the big guy has an interview for a permanent job. It will eventually require a move if he gets the job but at least it will allow us all be together again like a family and we will finally be able to say goodbye to all of these goodbyes. For now, we pray and hope for the best.

  • Louboutin…I Heart you !

    Louboutin, Christian Louboutin

    Louboutin; A Girl Can Dream

    Louboutin, I heart you~Yes, I realize that I already posted these gorgeous Louboutin shoes in my If there were any such thing as a perfect day post but Ladies, these babies warrant a post of their own! They say everything in moderation but there is no way that this rule can apply when you are talking about Louboutin shoes or Prada Bags, right? OMG, I think I have a teenie tiny humongous crush on these Louboutins! I can just see me standing a towering 6″1 in these babies, looking like legs for days..probably twisting my ankle a few times but surely with a smile. I’m in the midst of brokering a deal with the Big Guy (my husband..not begging God for Louboutins..that would surely be wrong..right?) I’ve taken to using my favorite things as my screen saver. My husband walks in and subliminally is coaxed into buying me the absolute perfect gifts. Well, I thought it was working until he saw the Louboutins and asked me if I thought the Mac was a wishing window? To which he answered, it’s not unless you have planted a money tree in the back yard that I don’t know about. Damn Money tree, wish it would grow already! I’m thinking, in regards to my The only cure is ice cream post, these Louboutin heels may be the antidote to what ails me, and in the very least..they have got to be worth some weight loss inspiration, right?

    Christian Louboutin….I heart you!

    On the Louboutin website, Christian Louboutin is portrayed as a magician. Mr. Louboutin, won’t you do some magic and make your awesome shoes affordable enough for Mommies who have to put kids through college and feed and clothe babies? Maybe resistant to baby spit up? I don’t mind paying for quality but I can not justify not paying for parochial school so that I can sport these Louboutin Perdue Platforms. That would be wrong? Right? Hey Louboutin..I’m always game to do a review. Just saying. Not to sway you in any way Mr. Louboutin but I’m pretty sure that I could vacuum, do dishes and diaper in these Louboutin Perdue Platforms.What is your fantasy fashion piece? If you had a million dollars would you buy a pair of Louboutin heels or something else?

    Louboutin, I think I Love You

  • Earmuffs,PLEASE! Cursing is Contagious to Toddlers

    Earmuffs,PLEASE! Cursing is Contagious to Toddlers

    Are you guilty of cursing around your toddlers?

    I, like so may other Mommies, am guilty of the occasional stubbed toe “Damn it!”, or the lost keys “F*bomb!” or even the I just busted my shin on the coffee table,” Sonofabitch!” but I really do try to keep my inner sailor in check….around my girls. ( I know, not very lady like. My Mom is mortified). And other than that week a couple years ago when Gabs decided to run around the house screaming”F*CK!” incessantly like a little mafioso on a tirade, we’ve not really had a problem with too much cursing. They’ll hear it, they’ll try it, we tell them no, they get bored they move on..Bada Bing Bada Boom, Fuggedaboutit(Holy shit,,, I just got possessed by Tony Soprano for a minute!) There’s always this little voice inside me that keeps warning me..” filter woman, filter!” But I keep on keeping on, and get caught in a moment and sometimes not so savory words come falling out of my mouth, despite my best efforts. Anyways, I’ve been getting worried you know with Catholic school just around the corner and all. How am I supposed to explain that my beautiful, innocent little girl can probably sling cursed laced insults with the best of them? I’m assuming and I know for sure that she can use them in the appropriate context because they have already proven that..with the exception of Gabs’ Tourettes-like f-bomb tirade, but I digress.

    The point being, the girls have been saying things that, though we giggle now, I am sure come fall.I won’t be amused in the least. Especially when I have to explain where she learned it from. But something else has been happening that has made me completely forget about the curse words that may or may not come out of my 5 and 3-year-olds mouth. Yes, something much, much worse.No? You don’t believe there could be anything worse than your kids telling some nun to eff off? Well, what about these gems…
    Gabs:” Girls, Pull your tits!” (in English, Girls, cool your jets!)
    Gabs: (While escorting me around the yard as I picked up the dog poop with the pooper scooper..oh the joy! Gabs was running around the yard like a shit-seeking missile, pointing and yelling to id the aforementioned “poop” )This is what she yelled on a warm summer day, as all of our neighbors looked on,” Mommy! DOG SHIT!!!!!”
    Yeah, thank God that wasn’t embarrassing.

    So, you can see my concern. But something even much worse happened this weekend and put everything into perspective for me. I have a colorful vocabulary, I am a hand talker, and I like to use metaphors and all kinds of language manipulation to illustrate my points but they are very seldom to be taken literally. But, I forgot…3 and 5-year-olds don’t understand the difference. Over the otherwise fantastically family filled Fourth of July weekend, I was having a discussion with my MIL about her son, my husband, doing something ridiculous.I think my exact words were, “He better take a pill or he better not be surprised when I stab him in his sleep!(this was said with a chuckle and a smile)” Obviously, I was saying he needed to calm down or I would hurt him, which really meant..”Dear Husband, stop being a butt face and please calm the eff down. Love your biggest fan!”

    But Bella, she just doesn’t get that ( plus, to be honest) I totally didn’t even realize that the little ninja was in the house when I said it. Last I knew, she was outside with the prospective stabbing victim playing volleyball or covering her sister in S’mores in hopes of feeding her to the ants, or something of the like. I found out that she was in the house when my husband approached me and said, “Hey, so ..you’re going to stab me in my sleep now?” I wasn’t quite sure if he was serious or if he was crazy and I said, “WHAT?” Yeah, apparently my 5 year old went outside and called her Dad over to the side to inform him of this, “Hey Daddy, Mommy said she’s going to stab you in your sleep!” WOW!

    Needless to say, I had to have a talk with her to assure her that I  indeed was NOT going to stab her Daddy in his sleep, nor would I ever hurt him in any way. I tried to explain  that I was using colorful language to illustrate a point and be funny but in fact, it was inappropriate and I should not have said it in the first place. Her answer, ” I know Mommy. You were just saying that Daddy was being a grouch and he better stop it! It’s not like you said you were going to choke him out!”

    Wow! Oh Shit! Can I get some earmuffs over here for this kid? Maybe some perma pink ones that I can leave in at all times and remove only when I need to speak with her. I would really prefer she not start Kindergarten by telling some nun that I said I was going to stab her Daddy while he slept..that’s not very christian and I’m pretty sure the school might put a call into DCFS. The moral of the story being..be on the look out for tiny ninja’s before ever speaking in metaphor , irony, allegory, or simile!

    What’s your trick to stop cursing around your children?

  • Throat Punch Thursday; Apparently Somebody’s high edition

    Well, this weeks Throat punch goes to the Mommy in Florida who thought it would be cute to post this picture.

    I am not an idiot. I am assuming this girl ( she is 19) thought this picture would be funny. I mean who hasn’t posed their 11 month old with something totally inappropriate, a thong on their head, an empty beer can, a BONG and snapped a photo for posterity. I think we are all guilty of one three a few of these ourselves. I’d say probably not drug paraphernalia. I mean, who has this stuff lying around the house when they have kids? Oh yeah, crack heads, that’s who. I forgot.My bad.
    Lets face it, most of us are guilty of taking embarrassing photos of our kids that may later mortify them . But this mental midget Mommy won the prize when she , in all of her brilliance, decided that it would be a great idea to post said picture( with illegal paraphernalia in it , no less)  on Facebook. Oh yes, she is a smart one.

    Eventually, the photo fell into the hands of the Florida Dept. of Children and Families which is now in the process of drug testing both the mother and the baby, says Sky News. Can you imagine having them test your baby for pot? I wonder how they got that little guy to pee in the cup?Maybe they coaxed him with Cheerios?NO? Maybe Goldfish? NO? Maybe crack?

    John Harrell the spokesperson for the group told Sky News, “We are alarmed that any parent would take pictures of their child next to what is obviously drug paraphernalia.” It’s like she just didn’t use her little dwarfed brain in the least.

    The unnamed mother has come forward and stated to Sky News via Facebook, “If u look at the picture u can see that there is no bowl in the TABACCO [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][sic] pipe…I would never ever ever let him get high.”
    Oh, well thank God for that. Obviously its OK, since there was no weed in the pipe. I wonder, does she think that marijuana is legal? Maybe on her planet it is.

    If drugs were used by or found near the baby, she could face serious charges, including losing her 11-month-old son to the state of Florida. I think this would be a good plan. She belongs in a parenting class along with the award winning broad whose kid almost got hit by the bus in the middle of the night. Maybe next time she wants a “funny” picture she can pose him with a machete? Or perhaps a nine millimeter?

    The moral of the story is drugs are bad, they cause you to do stupid things and use bad judgment..like posting pictures of you baby on FB holding a bong; alerting an otherwise oblivious DCFS about your crack-headed ways. I don’t think this baby was actually getting high, I’m not an idiot. I am, however, sure that Mommy was. But what I am really concerned about it that his chubby little finger may get lodged in the side there and be stuck forever! What if it broke and cut the poor baby? Bad Mommy..you get the Throat Punch this week for being broken in the brains department and potentially harming that adorable little boy. Actually, I think I should give a roundhouse to that bong to keep Mommy and baby out of trouble![/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • Throat Punch Thursday: Condoms for Kiddies Edition

    https://i.cdn.turner.com/cnn/.element/apps/cvp/3.0/swf/cnn_416x234_embed.swf?context=embed&videoId=us/2010/06/24/dnt.condoms.for.elementary.kids.wcvb

    Well, we all know how I feel about sex education for elementary schoolers. What is this world coming to? When kindergarten through fifth grade students return to class at Veterans Memorial Elementary School in Provincetown, Mass., this fall, they’ll be able to ask the school nurse for condoms.Well,that’s a hell of a school supply. That  better not show up on my beginning of the year wish list for the class, they can  just keep on wishing.Wishing they were older! No questions, no write your name down and call your Mama. It’s their very own don’t ask, don’t tell; the mini me version. It’s a free license to be promiscuous and experiment sexually when you are in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. Some of these kids can’t even spell their names, tie their shoes, barely wipe their own asses. Now, we are giving them condoms. They don’t have the social skills to know how to deal with this. This is wrong on so many levels that I am beyond flabbergasted. I am on the ground passed out. Yes, I am lying on the floor passed out typing this post.
    Thanks to a new, district-wide policy approved by the Provincetown School Board, condoms are now available to students in all schools, regardless of their age. Parents will not only NOT be informed, they can not opt their children out. So there is no paperwork to sign to say do NOT give my kid condoms! WTF? Who the hell are these people? What the hell gives them the right to do this without  my permission? They work for me, right? This is a damn infringement of parental rights if ever I saw one!Thank GOD my kids are going to Catholic school!
    Officials say that there’s no set age when sexual activity starts and students who ask for condoms will also receive counseling and information on abstinence. OK, so we are expected to give these little kids condoms and not expect them to think its OK to experiment? It’s like giving them candy and saying not to eat it. They don’t have the restraint. Are we going to see an increase in “date” rapes? Little boys are going to think since they were given the condoms with adult permission maybe that means free range to have sex with whatever little girl they choose.
    This is absurd. What next, passing out guns when kids start 2nd grade? Whose brilliant idea was this to give K-5th graders condoms? I mean are they passing out some special brand for babies? No way a condom made for a grown mans junk is going to fit a elementary schooler’s penis! I don’t have little boys so I don’t know how that works but I do feel that by doing this they have made the world a little lot less safe unsafe for little girls.
    This weeks throat punch definitely goes to the morons at the Provincetown School Board, the world renowned champion mental midgets, who approved this district wide policy of condoms for kiddies. Stay tuned, I am sure it will be coming to your town soon!Happy Mothering! Oh wait, better check to see if that is OK with the Provincetown School Board first. What’s next? Free abortion clinics operating out of the gymnasium at the middle school? Maybe free crack if you make the AB honor roll?

  • My first Monday Minute with DDoR

    Monday Minute

    1 – Have you ever had any feelings towards one of your teachers back in the day?
    There was one very hot young Spanish Professor, my freshman year of college. Nothing like a hottie with a big set of brains on him:)

    2 – What’s the most embarrassing thing that happened while at work? 
    That would be a toss up between the time I had to dress up like a clown for a shoe sale when I was 17  or when I got called into the office by the tackiest dressing, hairy chested, open shirt, chain wearing HR guy in the universe and had him recommend that I wear less “revealing” clothes. I was 23, it was my first administrative job, and I was working with children. I was mortified and confused by the person delivering the message. So freaking embarassing.
     
    3 – When was the last time you crapped yourself sharted?
    Yeah, I’m a girl…we don’t do that. Just ask my husband. He will tell you! There are very strict rules about any and all flatulence in my house, ambitious or not! Just say no!

    4 – What is one thing you have always kept a secret and why have you kept this a secret for so long?
    That I see dead people! BWAHAHAHA…Just Kidding! Have you read my blog? I have no secrets. It’s all out there. And if its not…well, its going to stay that way until I need a really juicy post! Get your own juice, Ian!

    and finally…

    5 – What’s your best advice for us habitual coffee drinkers as to not have to poop right after drinking it?
    Well, I’d say to drink  it on an empty stomach and… do NOT mix with fruit, grain, or bran! If you really want to be safe, take an Imodium 20 minutes before drinking your coffee! That should work…until it doesn’t and then you can refer to question #3!

  • National Urination Day?

    Just wondering, is there such a thing? I know yesterday was April 20th and tomorrow is Earth Day, but did I miss the memo that today was national Urination Day? I woke this morning to the sound of four little scampering feet climbing out of bed and making their way to the bathroom.( yes, we are all sleeping in my king sized bed while Daddy is out of town. Don’t judge me. I tried to keep them in their beds, it was a battle that I lost. At least if I let them in my bed,they are not waking up 20 times a night coming to get me.A Mommy needs some sleep.) Awww, how sweet I thought. One laid there quietly waiting in the bed until her sister woke up, then they both  went to potty together. About a minute into my ‘awww” the door flies open and the littler of the two screams, “Mommy, come hE-ya! Bella need you…NOW!” I figure its butt wiping time. I walk into the bathroom and step into a puddle of urine. I look up and see my 5 year old, cringing ,”Mommy, I’m sorry. I couldn’t make it.” Me: “What happened?” I am completely confused…she doesn’t pee on the floor. Then  I look on the floor and see a dry diaper in the pee puddle. Now, I am really bewildered. Gabs: “Me had to pee pee!” Bella: ” She jumped on and wouldn’t let me go.” Me: “Gabs, you had on a diaper. Bella did not. Next time, the little girl without the diaper on…goes first.OK?” Both in unison: “OK, sorry (SA- WEE). WE won’t” So, here I stand at 7:30 in the morning, unsuspectingly standing in urine. After a few minutes of toweling the mess up, changing Bella, and Swiffering the site of ‘the accident’, I decide to return all cleaning materials and soiled clothing to the laundry room. As I am making my way through the house, I step in a wet spot. Seriously? WTH? Yeah, seems my dog had the same idea as my little girls. It was a  pissing free for all. Thank God the cleaning chemicals and tools were already out. What a beautiful day; the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the sky is blue and the scent of piss is permeating my nostrils. I would have preferred coffee or bacon but hey, you take what you get. Time to get that Bissell cleaner out! Hope this isn’t setting the tone for the rest of the day? Yikes!

  • The illusive baby book

    Before my girls were ever born, in the very early stages of conception , I became obsessed with  chronicling every single thing they would ever do. There were the usual; first tooth, first time crawling, first time sleeping through the night, first solid food, first trip to Grandma’s..and so on and so forth. but were those other things that I just new I never wanted to forget too, first tantrum, first time they bit someone, first concert, first time they threw up on me, first time they danced with a Wiggle ( oh yeah, my girl got pulled up on the stage..it was very reminiscent of Courtney Cox and Bruce Springsteen but with hot potato and smashed banana…). There have been a lot of things I have recorded. But somewhere along the way, things went horribly wrong.
    The “baby Book” that I so painstakingly searched for and found after countless hours of searching the shelves of multiple bookstores has been forgotten. I mean its here. I know where it is….I think.Somehow it’s been reduced to random pieces of  paper, napkins, tissues with dates and occasions on them. To be honest, I am praying I wrote the year and the child because it may just be the action and the date. I was so in the moment that I never thought I’d forget the first day Bella laughed so hard that she blew milk out her nose, or the day 11 month old Gabs (I’m not 100% sure but I’m pretty sure, all the signs tell me) ingested shit. Let’s just say there was poop on her hands, and it looked like poop on her face. That’s all I’m saying. Yeah, I called the doctor..there was nothing they could do but tell me to keep an eye on her, give me a statistic about how 100% of all money has traces of human feces on it (EWWWW! I’m not sure if they were trying to make me feel better or worse), and I’m pretty sure they they made a mark somewhere  ( you know some special database accessible to DCFS….1 eff up you’re a dumb ass, 2 eff up’s they’re coming in and taking the kids away!) It was an accident people, if it even happened….which I’m not sure it did!
    Anyways, I digress ( as always). My point being, I have become accustomed to writing these little forget me not notes, or stashing tickets to their first movies, or a napkin from their birthday party because it was
    is going in the book at some not yet determined time in the near future . It’s gotten so bad that now, whenever anything happens my 5 year old promptly exclaims ” Hey , Mommy. You’re putting that in the baby book, right?” I’m really not sure if she is being facetious, or serious. Either way, it makes me feel like a rat..lower than a rat..like a flea on a rat.
    This weekend, I came to a life altering decision… I am going on a scavenger hunt. I am determined to find each and every single piece of tissue, toilet paper, napkin, scratch pad paper containing rogue information that I can find. When I do, I am going to bring that illusive Baby Book up to date. I plan to gather my randomly placed post it notes of my children’s life thus far and my scattered thoughts on the whole thing and put together the most effing awesome Baby Book to ever walk the face of the earth ( you know what I mean).  I’m thinking I may just have to arm myself with wine and water , lock myself in the basement with all the papers and power through and get it done. I wonder if they will ever know the depth and breadth to the sacrifices we make for them? That Silent Ninja Mommy assistant would be priceless right about now. Next on the agenda, the baby quilt I keep promising myself that I am making from their baby clothes. Also,with each passing day, my husbands ‘crazy’ idea that I log everything that happens in our children’s life into a file on the computer..seems to sound a lot better to me .

  • Silent Enthusiastic Mommy Helper Wanted STAT

    Silent Enthusiastic Mommy Helper Wanted STAT

    Mommy Helper wanted STAT to pick up the slack. Can any mom out there relate? It seems that I, along with every other Mom in the world, may be in need of a little help, in the way of an extra pair of arms, eyes, and ears. Not to say we should evolve into some sort of crazy mutant cyborg with highly functioning ears, eyes, and at least two MORE fully functional arms but something of the like, but not so scary. I was thinking more in the way of a Mommy assistant. I don’t think its too much to ask. CEOs have assistants and all they do is run a company. Moms raise the future, we grow babies, we produce milk for God’s sake. It’s a big job and we need a little help.

    Mommy Helper Wanted

    Now, I am not referring to a nanny, though that would be nice as well, I suppose. But I really want to do this Mommy gig..hands on, so a Nanny would sort of be cheating..for me. I’m only talking about me. I don’t know your situation and I’m not being judgmental. If you have a nanny at your disposal, you go girl! You are just smarter than me. You probably knew to get an epidural at 4 centimeters too. No heroics. No un-medicated transition labor for you. So I’m a little hard-headed and it takes me longer to give in to reason. I learn….eventually.

    READ ALSO: What does Birth Feel Like

    Anyways, I think I just need a silent partner who sort of shadows me and picks up the slack. You know, Mommy turns her head..baby starts to roll off the changing table, shadow assistant steps in and stops the whole thing from coming to fruition. Mommy needs to work out, screaming baby wakes up mid-workout; no problem, ninja assistant slips in, puts kid back to sleep…Mommy gets her figure back. Mommy’s running errands, she’s running late; the “assistant” gets dinner started and when Mommy pulls up with sleeping kiddies…oh, yeah, you know what happens next….That wonderful, God bless her, bitch runs out to the SUV and grabs the groceries while you very quietly and meticulously remove the child from the car seat and relocate them to bed. In turn, earning yourself a well deserved hour of quiet to pay bills and hear yourself think.

    READ ALSO: This Mom Brain is going to Kill Someone

    I bet the Ninja Mommy Helper would be great for fielding people at the door, unwanted phone calls, wrangling playdates gone awry. She could do laundry, dishes ( dishes would be a must), pick up laundry and toy rooms. She could read all the parenting books and highlight the important information in her nightly report to me. She could do all the other stuff while I actually get to be the Mommy! For example, I’d kiss booboos, and she would call to schedule doctors’ appointments. Sweet right? How amazing that would be? I’d be so much less stressed and I am sure that would make me a higher level functioning, all-around much better Mommy. Sign me up. But how to find the perfect babysitter, I’ve got you covered! Check this out.

    Silent Ninja Mommy Assistant

    So, who could fill such a tall order? A nanny does a lot of Mommying ( at least the ones I know) so that wouldn’t work for me. A maid only does the cleaning, not such an asset if the kid is running around the house naked with scissors. A Mommy’s little helper could go either way, I think it is a great idea in theory but if they’re too young…you end up with another kid on your hands. A babysitter, well, that conjures images of a teenager eating pizza, and texting waiting to get slashed in a B movie while she’s supposed to be watching my kids… so that doesn’t really sound all that appealing. Nothing like putting a kid who attracts Micheal Myers into the situation. No thanks.

    READ ALSO: Best Horror Movies to Watch with Your Kids

    If you really are in need of a baby sitter you need to find someone reliable. Let’s talk straight, no one is going to love your child the way you do — but maybe, just maybe, with a little due diligence, extensive background checks, and a whole lot of experience you’ll find someone who you can trust for a few hours to keep your child safe and attended to in your absence. I know it feels impossible but it’s not. You can do this, mama. Here are  7 great tips for choosing the right babysitter.

    A Daddy is perfect except for the fact that most Daddy’s are missing the “ears” part, I swear they never hear kids yelling and bickering (it’s the thing I envy about my husband the most). But no one else could love or have the kids best interest at heart as much as a Daddy…except for a Mommy, of course! I guess its just my own issue. But I do know unequivocally that I can use some assistance.

    Hmmm, I wonder how that whole cloning business is coming. Then I could have a helper that would do everything I expected, in exactly the same way as I would do it myself. It would be me times two. Perfection! Oh, wait, me and myself having PMS at the same time..yikes bad idea. All the “extra” hands in the world aren’t worth that. Guess its back to the drawing board. But if anyone knows of a silent ninja Mommy assistant that would fit the bill, send her my way. I’d even take a Nanny McPhee, but no Mary Poppins. Ms. Poppins gets a little too attached to the kiddies for my taste. You can never be too careful these days.

    What would be your ad for mommy helper wanted?

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