There are books a million about what you are supposed to do while pregnant. But there is so much information that is withheld from all of the books.It’s like a really cruel game and we all just like to watch the new person learn as they go. But not me, I’ll tell you what your mama won’t.
- Pregnant women; your smelling powers will become so heightened that you will be able to smell a cookie baking 30 miles away.Unfortunately, no one ever tell you that you will also be able to smell food burning in a wok in China, body odor from a homeless man laying out in the sun wearing his winter parka on a 100 degree day,your husband’s dirty socks downstairs and dog shit from the humane society on the other side of town.
- Mama; your morning sickness will actually be all day sickness; culminating in an all out, earth shattering, mind breaking alternating marathon of explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting brought on by whatever may have happened to blow your direction that day.The White Castle burger that you had to have yesterday can quickly become the catalyst for simultaneous mass exodus of the bodily fluid kind. Thank God nothing like this happens on the birthing table.
- Mom; your skin will become so dry from hormones that your feet will itch to the point that you will literally rip flesh to quench the itch. That no amount of hydration, moisturizing or wishful thinking and praying will EVER bring your feet back from the grasp of the dry Sahara hell that is the new status quo of your feet.
- Mommy; The Linea Nigra is actually a landing strip so your husband can find his way back into the pregnant promised land, because, let’s face it, there comes time in pregnancy where those “vivid” dreams and our own devices are all we are left with. A little point in the right direction never hurt anybody.
- Mother; your once beautiful and pert bosoms, will be replaced with over indulged,filled to capacity milk bags with what looks like a road map made of bulging blue veins. And that your sweet little pinky tip, glass cutting nipples will be replaced with flat saucers that look like a bulls-eye..and will NEVER revert back to their previous glory ( without the help of surgery).
- Mum; your labia will become so engorged with blood, that when you give birth your nether regions will look like Goldie Hawn’s over injected collagen fish mouth in the First Wive’s Club.
- Mami; the same outrageous hormonal highs and lows that make you smack a random passer by for looking at your baby bump will be the very same that make you cry when fly lands on your shoulder.
- Momma; you may have flatulence of the skunk killing kind. So horribly pungent and uncontrollable that you may get yourself barred from any women’s functions that you previously belonged to. The Junior League does not appreciate those sorts of donations.
- Ma; your pregnancy glow is actually increased blood flow causing you to sweat like a fat whore in church. And that the increased hormones that cause the glow also bring with it increased susceptibility to acne (of the face, back & ass variety), increased cervical fluid ( the kind that could cause an unsuspecting pregnant woman to slip right off her stool if she weren’t wearing her appropriated
parachutepregnancy panties), hair growth in unsuspecting parts ( bearded lady , anyone?), and constipation ( talk about insult to injury)
- Mumsy; all the meticulous and copious amounts of time that you have spent over the years “landscaping” probably the very source of your pregnancy will become, at 9 months pregnant , non existent. That which once resembled the topiary of the Tuileries will no be more akin to an abandoned outhouse.And we all say that we are going to make our husbands shave us…and none of us actually ever do.
There are more, many more, but I feel I have scared the first time mothers sufficiently for now.Happy procreating and remember, there is a 98% chance that you will vomit and or poop on the birthing table.
*And I know there is one thing(the number one side effect of pregnancy) that I forgot to mention but I didn’t. I just wrote it over here. If you’ve peed yourself reading this post thus far, get ready to water the plants over here. Pregnancy~The Top Ten Things Not Even Your Mama Tells you