Pregnancy~Top Ten Things Not Even Your Mama Tells You

There are books a million about what you are supposed to do while pregnant. But there is so much information that is withheld from all of the books.It’s like a really cruel game and we all just like to watch the new person learn as they go. But not me, I’ll tell you what your mama won’t.


  • Pregnant women; your smelling powers will become so heightened that you will be able to smell a cookie baking 30 miles away.Unfortunately, no one ever tell you that you will also be able to smell food burning in a wok in China, body odor from a homeless man laying out in the sun wearing his winter parka on a 100 degree day,your husband’s dirty socks downstairs and dog shit from the humane society on the other side of town.
  • Mama; your morning sickness will actually be all day sickness; culminating in an all out, earth shattering, mind breaking alternating marathon of explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting brought on by whatever may have happened to blow your direction that day.The White Castle burger that you had to have yesterday can quickly become the catalyst for simultaneous mass exodus of the bodily fluid kind. Thank God nothing like this happens on the birthing table.
  • Mom; your skin will become so dry from hormones that your feet will itch to the point that you will literally rip flesh to quench the itch. That no amount of hydration, moisturizing or wishful thinking and praying will EVER bring your feet back from the grasp of the dry Sahara hell that is the new status quo of your feet.
  • Mommy; The Linea Nigra is actually a landing strip so your husband can find his way back into the pregnant promised land, because, let’s face it, there comes  time in pregnancy where those “vivid” dreams and our own devices are all we are left with. A little point in the right direction never hurt anybody.
  • Mother; your once beautiful and pert bosoms, will be replaced with over indulged,filled to capacity milk bags with what looks like a road map made of bulging blue veins. And that your sweet little pinky tip, glass cutting nipples will be replaced with  flat saucers that look like a bulls-eye..and will NEVER revert back to their previous glory ( without the help of surgery).
  • Mum; your labia will become so engorged with blood, that when  you give birth your nether regions will look like Goldie Hawn’s over injected collagen fish mouth in the First Wive’s Club.
  • Mami; the same outrageous hormonal highs and lows that make you smack a random passer by for looking at your baby bump will be the very same that make you cry when  fly lands on your shoulder.
  • Momma; you may have flatulence of the skunk killing kind. So horribly pungent and uncontrollable that you may get yourself barred from any women’s functions that you previously belonged to. The Junior League does not appreciate those sorts of donations.
  • Ma; your pregnancy glow is actually increased blood flow causing you to sweat like a fat whore in church. And that the increased hormones that cause the glow also bring with it increased susceptibility to acne (of the face, back & ass variety), increased cervical fluid ( the kind that could cause an unsuspecting pregnant woman to slip right off her stool if she weren’t wearing her appropriated parachute pregnancy panties), hair growth in unsuspecting parts ( bearded lady , anyone?), and constipation ( talk about insult to injury)
  • Mumsy; all the meticulous and copious amounts of time that you have spent over the years “landscaping” probably the very source of your pregnancy will become, at 9 months pregnant , non existent. That which once resembled the topiary of the Tuileries will no be more akin to an abandoned outhouse.And we all say that we are going to make our husbands shave us…and none of us actually ever do.

There are more, many more, but I feel I have scared the first time mothers sufficiently for now.Happy procreating and remember, there is a 98% chance that you will vomit and or poop on the birthing table.

*And I know there is one thing(the number one side effect of pregnancy) that I forgot to mention but I didn’t. I just wrote it over here. If you’ve peed yourself reading this post thus far, get ready to water the plants over here. Pregnancy~The Top Ten Things Not Even Your Mama Tells you

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Comments (47)

hahahahha! this should be required reading 🙂

Vomit and/or poop on the birthing table… yep and yep 😉

Vomit for sure for me. I was told with complete certainty that I did avoid the whole poop on the table scenario.Well, thats what my husband told me..because my eyes were pleading to tell me that I didn’t. Whether or not I really did, we will never know. I saw nothing, I felt nothing. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.LOL

I was beyond terrified of pooping during delivery. My husband assures me I didn’t. It never occurred to me that I’d vomit – I did. Oh, that epidural couldn’t come fast enough.

It never can. My anesthesiologist was in surgery and by the time he got to me, I had endured the hell of transition labor and was fully dilated.Not cool

Lol! I love this because I can see myself in all of these. Thank God baby girl is here!

Jess, I am so glad that little beauty is on the outside as well:)XO

laughing so loud i nearly wet my pants (oh yeah another side effect of pregnancy that no-one cared to mention…)

Susan,
My friend, I did mention…right here http://aiminglow.com/2011/06/guest-post-that-gerbil-your-pocket-or-just-happy-see-me/

LOL! I think you will see that I covered it quite in depth:)

by ‘no-one’ i meant the books not you!!! but will read your article and laugh some more.
seriously, if someone had put all that stuff in a book I wouldn’t have believed them, and if i had, i wouldn’t be here to tell the story – it would have been a tubal ligation straight away!

here’s an out there question for those of you in the northern hemsiphere…why are you made to lie on a bed to deliver a baby (surely the worst position EVER!) and why is it always portayed that way in the movies/on TV…
i don’t know a single person in this neck of the woods who delivered (vjjj-like) a baby on their back!

Yeah, its not the smartest position, its pretty counter intuitive when you think about how gravity works:) We just like things to be as hard as possible, apparently.LOL

A Mommy in the City

hahaha! This post is THE BEST!! If only I would have known these the before I got pregnant!

Lauren,
I am thinking more and more that I should write a book..with the truth written between the pages, for once:)

If someone would have told me the TRUTH, I wouldn;t have believed them:)

too funny! i had to nod my head in agreement to more than a few of these!

I know right? I was writing the list and it ended up with about 40 things every mom should know. I may have to make an entire series.

The smell thing? I had no idea! I was at my parents’ house and I was going INSANE. I kept smelling vinegar and people were like ‘what is your problem??”

Turns out, like a tsp of vinegar had spilled on their counter. I should have known I was pregnant then.

Stephanie,
The smell thing is the worst. I had a student who smelled of fried food every single day and made me vomit, every single day upon his entrance for 5 months!
Poor kid, probably wondered what the hell was wrong with Ms. Debi:)

Lush Dream Cream is the only reason I had any skin left. I’ve never had such dry, itchy skin in my life.

I landscaped til the day I popped. It was like shaving by Braille. I remember my nurse asking how I managed it and I said luck. Looking back, I can’t figure out how I managed to do it.

Samantha,
I too did landscape until the end but I cant say that it looked very good. I shaved what I could feel or sneak a peak at but I am pretty sure that when I laid on the delivery table, it looked like my Vajayjay had a mustache:)LOL

So true! I just wrote something the other day about how grooming my bikini area has now become life threateningly dangerous. And you’re right- I won’t ask my husband to do it, because I may fart on him…

Jenni,

Perhaps, a fart tot he face is what all men know to understand what exactly the humiliation of not being able to see out hoohoo really feels like:)LOL I say go for it. You are giving him a baby the least he can do is endure the skunk killing gas:)

I also have big floppy feet now, grew almost a size!

Pobresita Vida,
Better your feet than your ears or your nose:) True story,I’ve seen it happen. For me, the big and floppy was reserved for my arse!

You will leak fluids through much of your pregnancy AND post pregnancy you will need to sit on pads the size of small mattresses to ensure that do not stain your couch/bed/chair/clothing. Your boobs will leak if you nurse your baby and so much as think of him or her.

Oh leaky body syndrome was one of my favorite parts of pregnancy. I was leaking so many different body fluids that I could barely keep straight what was coming from where. now Im more certain, NOW I KNOW Its urine…when I sneeze, cough, laugh, jump, run. …breathe!LOL

I totally agree there are not enough books that tell you the truth lol! Being pregnant for the second time around this time I went Into it with very different expectations. Lol. Very different. Pregnancy is not as glamorous as people think. Lol. -ps. Come follow my new website my dear on GFC 🙂 just launched!!

It’s easier once you lower your expectations and expect the worst:)LOL

I’m 22 weeks pregnant with my first, and I wish somebody had warned me about most of these! I literally thought morning sickness would happen in the mornings and be over. (Funny, I actually just wrote about this on my own blog – http://www.themeditatingmom.com) And I was totally unprepared to smell our kitchen trash can from the other end of the house! The latest thing I’ve discovered that I wish someone had warned me about – lack of bladder control. I totally didn’t expect that, especially this early on! That kid kicks in just the right place and I am running for the bathroom (not that I’m likely to make it in time). All you experienced mommies out there – keep the HONESTY coming. We owe it to each other!

Because I have given birth multiple times.

Because its all about the honesty here.

I have now peed myself three times during reading this. Twice from laughing. Once from coughing from laughing too hard.

It’s ok though, because long ago I traded in the lacy g-strings for cotton absorbency. Besides the lacy strings don’t match the 32Long I wear on the girls.

Hilarious post!

Alycia,
VIVA the cotton absorbancy!LOL 32 Long….Yeah, mine used to be perky 36 Ds now,they are all kinds of hanging low. Pretty soon I’ll have to tuck em in the tops of my pants like my dear old granny. Yeah, there may have to be a surgical intervention. DO your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro,canyou tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow…LOL

I wish someone had told me panty liners would be my best friend when pregnant. And after too.

Also? Ankles become cankles.

But I want to do it all again. Crazy much? 🙂

Oh, we all end up wanting to do it again. Fresh baby smell in the morning always suckers us back!LOL My sister had a horrendous 20 hour labor that ended up in a c-section and she’s ready to go back in for another now.

My bladder has never been the same either. I hate having to get up in the middle of the night, sometimes twice, just to pee. I hate it!

Oh yeah, I forgot about the bladder issues. I pee so much, you’d think I sprung a leak.Either way, I’m not taking any chances.

I actually think my mom didn’t know what was causing her symptoms ‘back in the day’. (Did I just age myself?) LOL
They were told to have a nip of Brandy and keep stepping. 🙂

Hmmm, Brandy may have worked too:)LOL

Hahha…love your description of the milk bags. And so true, of everything…I just realise the name of your blog “The Truth…” and nothing but the truth. Hi, visiting from let’s bee friends.

THanks. I know the TRUTH is not always pretty ( but neither is motherhood) but it’s always TRUE:) Thanks for stopping by

If I had read this before I got pregnant I would have thought “umm nooooo”
But after baby….
OMG.. laughing so hard!
Laughing at all of the girls who want babies so bad and can’t wait to experience their bodies changing.
Laughing at what they are about to experience…
hahahahaha.
sigh.
Good stuff.

Oh Im laughing because I wrote this for my little sister who is experiencing her first pregnancy and told me the other day (straight faced no less ) “I’m not getting up with no baby every 2 hours!” Bwahahahahaha!SUCKER!

Dadchelor parties

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