When to Worry about Skipping a Period

There’s nothing quite so terrifying to a woman over 40 than unintentionally skipping a period because it means one of two things, either you’re unexpectedly pregnant or you’re perimenopausal; neither option is very appealing to me at this point in my life.

It happened. I skipped a period. Yep. I was totally freaking out because, well, I’m still young enough to get pregnant. My parts are working, or rather they were last time I checked, but I’ve been sick with a UTI and stressed out so the possibility of an unexpected pregnancy seemed remote. I mean, we’ve had “relations” but we practice natural family planning and we’re very careful. I mean ( TMI alert) unless the Big Guy has magic sperm that found its way into my uterus through absorption through my skin, I don’t think it’s a possibility this month. If you suspect you might also have UTI, it’s best to consult an expert in a urology center.

Suddenly, I find myself late and freaking out because O.M.F.G what if I’m pregnant? I mean, I’m not in my 20’s anymore and skipping a period and surprise pregnancies are not something I particularly want to be dealing with these days. Would I love to have a little baby again? Yeah, I think I would. Babies are effing awesome and, honestly, I miss that new baby smell but I don’t actually ever want to be pregnant again and run the risk of something being wrong with the baby or worse, losing another pregnancy? That’s a strong hell no! Just the thought of telling people and seeing their faces as they wondered what would be wrong with my baby is too much to bear. It’s enough to make me consider running off to a convent and having a secret baby; just like they used to do with young girls back in the day.

So here I am a week late and a lot freaked out. Though definitely less so now that I took a pregnancy test and got a giant NEGATIVE. I’ve never been so happy to not get a positive. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was to walk into Target and buy a pregnancy test, at this point in my life? I felt like a teenager who got caught doing something they shouldn’t have been. Anyways, thankfully it all turned out okay but it was touch and go there for a few days.

The thing is shark week still hasn’t shown up. So then I went down another rabbit hole. OMG am I menopausal? I’m too young to be menopausal but at the same time, I’m too old to be pregnant again. It’s like I’m in this in-between place, like reproductive purgatory. I’m not old but I’m not young, or rather my eggs aren’t and that’s the problem. I’m at this weird in-between phase of my life and it kind of sucks but it’s kind of awesome. On one hand, I care way less about what people think of me but on the other hand, I’m beginning to be painfully aware that I’m not 25 anymore ( well, not on the outside anyways.)

With a little nudging from my favorite OCD gal pal, I called my Ob/Gyn because I’m a control freak and I just can’t even with this not knowing stuff. I mean I was just in there a few months ago all appalled that anyone would dare insinuate that I could be perimenopausal. After a little gentle teasing, my doctor assured me that I wasn’t. Seems a bit ironic considering the week I’ve had. Lying bitch.

So did last month’s marital sex fest, resulting UTI and antibiotics mess up my cycle? ( That’ll teach me.) Is it the fibroids that I’ve gotten with each pregnancy causing issues? Is it stress? Or worse? They assured me that unless I go 3 months without a period and no positive pregnancy tests, there is nothing to worry about. They said sometimes women just skip a period and being over 35 makes it even more common.

At least the negative pregnancy test gave me permission to drink all the Sangria this weekend which I definitely need after the week I’ve had. But there’s still no period. But according to my mood swings, hatred of everyone and wanting to eat all the carbs, I am fairly certain that Aunt Flo ( that cheeky bitch) is just being fashionably late. She’s so high maintenance.Plus, we leave for vacation on Friday and  since I’ve started menstruating at the age of 12, I’ve never not been on my period on any vacation ever unless I’ve taken medical measures to prevent it.

The point of this entire post is that most people are terrified of Killer clowns, demons, vampires and zombies at Halloween. Me, I’m terrified of my period not showing up.

Where does your mind go if you skip a period? Do you freak out or get a little excited at the thought of another baby?

For me, I just realized that being over 40 and skipping a period is just about the most frightening thing I can think of these days.