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Like a Mack Truck

by Deborah Cruz

It’s been one of those weeks. You know the ones where you are bone tired but at the same time there is something inside that won’t shut off. It’s like your flight or fight response has kicked in and you have no one to fight and nowhere to run because the cause follows you because it is within you.

The week started with a midnight ding on my laptop; a comment on a blog post about my battle with anorexia. God that seems like a lifetime ago in the miserable state of affairs my body stands in today. The comment was left by a 15-year-old girl in New Zealand who is struggling with eating disorders. She is crying for help but no one believes her. I know how this turns out if no one pays attention; the story ends with her dying. Gone. No more because even her own parents wouldn’t take her seriously. I reply. I give her some number and emails to a hotline. I am triggered. I want to swoop in and save her but I can’t. I am here. I can only offer assistance, listen, believe her and hope she takes the next step. Fight.

Then a couple days later, I hosted a twitter party. I was really excited about it because it meant that I could giveaway  a prize that I thought would make some little girl’s Christmas morning. That meant something to me because I know there are mothers out there who can’t afford to give their children anything for Christmas and I could help a mom give her child the best Christmas ever. It took a lot of work. I’ve been planning and negotiating this since August. Then I even got to give away 2 houses and then after it was all said and done, I was called a liar and a cheat by two participants who didn’t win. I know I shouldn’t take it personally but I do. Fight.

Then I read a post by an asshole man called, Five Reasons to Date a Girl with an Eating Disorder. You know, the disease that kills women, the disease that might be killing a 15-year-old in New Zealand right now and the disease that could have killed me. He makes light of this disease that I suffered from for 8 years; the very same thing that I will be in recovery from for the rest of my life; the disorder that kills women. He obviously has no understanding of it or is the most callous and unkind human walking the face of the earth. Fight.

Then today, November 24th, what would have been the first birthday of the baby I lost. I accidentally watched a 1st birthday video of a friend’s daughter and that’s when it hit me like a MACK truck. I should be celebrating but instead my lap is empty and my heart is heavy today. The air is thick and it’s hard to breathe. I don’t know when this will stop happening. I don’t know if we ever really get over our hurts in life. I think maybe they grow to be a part of us and change us. Flight

I’m here, hammering out deadlines and avoiding my reality. My heart is pretty fragile this week and the slightest push of pressure in the wrong way may break me completely. But in this moment I thank God for what I have; a man who loves me with all my flaws, children who I can hold in my arms a little longer than I need to today, a best friend who reaches out from across the universe to make sure that my heart is still in tact and work. Work that keeps my mind occupied and tears at bay.

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leighann 2013/11/25 - 9:22 am

I know the pain of looking at another baby who is celebrating a birthday and wishing you were holding yours and celebrating. I don’t think that pain goes away, I think it just becomes part of you. But you are right, we fight. We become stronger. That’s what I love about you; your ability to stand up for what you believe in and not back down.

Deborah Cruz 2013/11/25 - 11:18 am

@Leighann thank you sweet mama. I am doing good. Busy hands and mind keeps me going. It helps knowing that there are other out there who know exactly what I am going through, not that I wish anyone else ever went through. I am thankful for friends like you. XO

Molly 2013/11/25 - 11:08 am

So sorry Debi 🙁 I can’t relate directly to your experiences, but I know when my mom passed away when I was 22 I didn’t think that the pain would ever go away. But, I decided that instead of being angry forever (like my youngest sister did , who was 16) I needed to grieve and heal and try to focus on the positives. It did get easier, but there are times that it just hits you and all you can do is feel all of your emotions and pain. On another note – my sister did not grieve or let herself feel the pain. She tried to escape and was angry and didn’t begin healing until 13 years later. All this to say – pain sucks, it’s not fair when things like this happen and when people are mean, but it helps if you acknowledge the pain and emotions, like you are. It’s all part of the healing process. So, thank you for sharing and I hope today is a better day!! xoxo

Deborah Cruz 2013/11/25 - 11:22 am

I am so sorry that you had to lose your mom at such a young age:( I am not angry. I am sad. I do take the time to feel my feelings. The first month was unbearable. I didn’t want to feel anything because all I felt was tremendous pain. More pain than I even knew was possible. The overwhelming emotional pain has dissipated and in its place is a quiet emptiness that sits silent mostly but on occasion, it reminds me that it is still there. I will never forget the baby I never got to hold but I know that someday the pain will be gone and we will be together again.
Today is much better. Thank you for your kind words, Molly. XO

Jenni Chiu @ MommyNaniBooboo 2013/11/25 - 12:38 pm

An empty lap and heavy heart – I also know this feeling. My heart is with you, mama. May your deadlines be met, distractions be many, and weight soon be lifted. xoxo

Deborah Cruz 2013/11/25 - 12:53 pm

Thanks mama. Empty and heavy feels like the weight of the world. I am truly thankful for the distractions and such wonderful friends in my life. XO

sisters from another mister 2013/12/02 - 3:24 pm

The mack truck … this beast i know well … damn thing just rides right over us, and lately i feel as tho it just backs up and rides right over me again … but you my lovely friend, remember that you move mountains and do hard things, you make people happy and make a difference … and one day, i just know that the babies we did not get to love on here on Earth, will be right there waiting for us in another time … the pains we have suffered here will melt away, and there will only be light and love … because it simply must be.


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