Kindergarten is Kinda Killing Me

Kindergarten hasn’t gotten any better for me; it’s gotten worse. This morning was the first day that I dropped my five-year-old off at school and didn’t walk her to her kindergarten classroom. I know. She’s been a kindergartner for 8 whole days, as of today. I should be over it. But it’s different letting them walk in by themselves. That’s really letting them go to kindergarten without you. That’s relinquishing control. It’s trusting that they are okay without you, that they will make it safely to class from the drop off point, that they won’t get overwhelmed and reach out for you only for you to not be there. It’s admitting to kindergarten that my baby is now a big kid.

I didn’t cry on the first day of kindergarten.

But this morning, I simultaneously wanted to throw up and cry. I know, weird combination of symptoms of missing my children. I, of course, gave her big sister strict instructions to hold her hand and drop her off at her class (as she passes right by it to get to her own). Thank God for big sisters. I just can’t seem to push this baby bird out of the nest completely. I hate the letting go that kindergarten brings.

It was the first dress down day of the school year and the girls were ecstatic. If you have children that have to wear uniforms to school, you understand the magnitude of dress down days. They both were beaming as they walked into school holding hands, looking back only to blow me kisses. They looked adorable and I would have snapped a photo to include with this post had I not been trying to keep my composure. Besides, it’s really hard to focus through tear filled eyes.

To all my fellow mommies who are letting go this morning cry as much as you want to. Mommies, rage against kindergarten as hard as you need to. We’re expected to let our kids go forth into the world and gain their independence but remember, it was just yesterday that they were our babies. If we didn’t cry and fight it, just a little bit, we wouldn’t be doing our jobs. That feeling in your chest of your heartbreaking at the letting go is the universal growing pain of a fantastic mommy.

I am throwing myself into work to pass the time. Next week, I will get to add renovating the new house to the list of distractions to keep me occupied. Seems lately my life’s turned into a bit of a sad country song. I want to turn it into a catchy, fun pop tune or maybe a meaningful indie anthem. I;m ready for all the good to come. Bring it on universe. For now, I will look forward to afternoon pickup.

When does the letting go finally get easier with the last baby? Was it harder for you to let go of your first baby or your last one at kindergarten?