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I Forgot

by Deborah Cruz

I forgot.

I didn’t cry.

I didn’t mean to. I would never.

It’s the day I stop.

But this year, I was so busy prepping for Thanksgiving and Special Person’s day for my second grader.

I was caught up in minutia. I was planning the rest of my life. I was living and I totally forgot what today could have been.

What it should have been…

My baby’s 2nd birthday.

I was supposed to be wrangling a toddler. Entering the terrible twos.

Instead my lap is empty.

My heart has a hole.

Worst of all, I forgot to be sad about it.

I forgot to remember that it was the anniversary of what could have been.

I feel guilty.

I feel ashamed.

I feel like I should be flogged.

There is no guilt quite so terrible as that of a mother to a child who almost was.

To a child who you loved with all your soul but lost before you got to tell them so.

A mother who forgot to remember.

I forgot.

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1 comment

Andrea B. 2014/12/18 - 5:19 pm

You are not a failure. You’re human.

You didn’t forget. You remembered right here.

Sending you love and the ability to forgive yourself. Because you’re allowed to enjoy a few moments even though the day wasn’t exactly as it should have been. It’s okay. You’re okay, mama.

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