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The TRUTH About Motherhood

Category: Personal

  • Throat Punch Thursday: Hot as hell edition

    Throat Punch Thursday, obviously its a day late this week. As most of you know, being a Daddy’s away insomniac , I normally do my posts at 2  in the morning for the day. Last night, I was( still am) out of town ( yet again)  and by some freak of nature my husband and  I were in the same place at the same time..with a ready and willing Mother in Law to babysit.So,I hope you all can forgive me for being a day late but it was between posting my Throat Punch or snuggling with my husband. I chose to snuggle:) But here is the Throat Punch…
    This weeks throat punch goes to the ridiculous heat wave that has been hitting the midwest over the past couple of weeks. I don’t so much mind the heat as this awful , God forsaken humidity. What is that all about? How am I supposed to maintain my composure and good looks when I am literally melting. I put on make up, it melts. I put on deodorant..it melts. I take a shower..I sweat before the water has even dried off. I know, sexy , right?  I’m all for being a HOT Mommy but not a hot, sweaty Mommy!The humidity is making me retain water. And to top it off, the only thing not melting is my hair. Which I spend an hour a day making look like this
    only to walk outside and have it immediatley turn into this

     But really, lets be honest..it more like this

    So, 94 degrees that feels like 104 degrees, thanks for making me look and feel so beautiful. I especially love the PMS like heat induced sunshiney attitude that the heat has triggered; my family thanks you to.So I am going to put the sunshiney attitude to good use and throat punch the effing heat wave! Thanks for nothing. I always wanted to look like a fat hooker in a church with really bad hair!Happy Friday!

  • Goodbye to Goodbyes

    Tonight, when the big guy had to leave us bound back for his hole (his work apartment) Bella and Gabs followed him out to his car and jumped inside to “inspect” it. I was on the stoop, as always, watching on. I refuse to walk out to the car to say goodbye, it just makes it harder.

    Bella, walks back and says,” I just needed to smell the car!”
    Me:”Why?”
    Bella: “To get me through..”
    Me: “What do you mean?”( I seriously wasn’t sure where she was going with this)
    Bella: “To get me through without crying!”

    And with that, I took a deep breath and so did the big guy, and we both held back our own tears at our little girl’s stiff upper lip mentality and little breaking heart on the inside. What an awful lesson for someone who is barely 5 years old to have to learn, little lone know and deal with. This whole economy and living apart during the week situation is for the birds. But on a positive note, the big guy has an interview for a permanent job. It will eventually require a move if he gets the job but at least it will allow us all be together again like a family and we will finally be able to say goodbye to all of these goodbyes. For now, we pray and hope for the best.

  • I Love my Children but I Hate My Life: All joy and no fun!

    I Love my Children but I Hate My Life: All joy and no fun!

    I was watching the Today show yesterday morning, and I saw a segment titled I love my children but I hate me life! Obviously, I was intrigued because, really, who hasn’t thought that? In all honesty, I think that about once a week. But when I think it, its usually because my world is spiraling out of control due to overwhelming circumstances; toddler meltdowns, a messy house, a sassy mouthed preschooler, ME biting off more than I can chew (usually more times than not, its ME) ..and it all happening simultaneously. Motherhood is hard! In the end, its about me and balancing this life I’ve chosen and all of the responsibility that comes with it. In reality, I never actually hate my life..what I hate is the feeling that I am failing at it!

    I’m listening to this segment, which by the way was only a snippet of the actually article they were referencing, and I am thinking they are making it sound like these women hate their lives..literally hate their lives because its not what it was cracked up to be. This segment alluded to the fact that this is the norm. I know loads of women and I have never met a woman who has insinuated or said outright “Damn, I wish I could get a refund because Motherhood is really lacking and in no way as fulfilling as I thought it would be!”

    Of course, there was nothing that could prepare us for what parenthood actually is…a wild and crazy ride wrought full of  hills and valleys,laughter and tears; sometimes within the same day, the same hour or even the same moment! We get pregnant with the intention of creating a baby who is part of our loved one and our self, the baby is a symbol of the depth and breadth of the scope of our love for our spouse/partner/etc. Obviously, being what it symbolizes, we want to believe that something so profound would be a magical experience. But like all things we fantasize about, reality is a little more gritty, dirty, work, and real!

    There is a definitely an illusion that is perpetrated about parenthood, especially Motherhood. Come on,how else could we be convinced to go through labor and delivery? It is also not something you can truly understand without experiencing it.

    Having my children has been the single most important events in my life, aside from meeting my husband…and you see the three things go hand in hand.The moment I married my husband, I became a wife and the moment when I gave birth to my girls, I was born again, as a Mother. Now, I am privy to a few more of the great mysteries of life. For instance,  I know that my heart is capable of growing with the birth of each successive baby, I know that that gigantic heart lives and roams free outside of my body and my biggest job in the world is to protect that heart from getting hurt, and I know that Motherhood is the hardest job that you will ever love!

    Of course its not all chocolate and roses, its real. It’s work, but its rewarding maybe not every minute of every day but it is creating something in the world, It’s about perpetuating the species and leaving a legacy. Our children are a version of ourselves and with each passing generation we have left behind a piece of ourselves to live on forever. I know there has been many times when I have felt as if I am being cheated or punished because I can not do the things I did before I had my children. We are human and by nature selfish and in want of instant gratification. Once we have our children, society dictates that we are not allowed those luxuries any longer and that leaves us feeling wanting. This leads to us feeling unsatisfied with our quality of life and that manifests into self doubt. Most days, I feel like I am the only mother having  a hard time figuring this all out and why don’t I think every single moment is glorious? What is wrong with me?

    But once I realized that this is me evolving into a different version of myself, not worse, but different in my perspective and my scope of experience; then and only then was I able to embrace Motherhood for what it really is… a lot of hard work, laced with moments of profound bliss. I think if it were blissful always, the important moments wouldn’t be as important. The craziness is to keep the balance of things.

    When I say I hate my life, I hate that I can’t handle the change. But I take a deep breath, as all parents do, I continue on and before I know it I have arrived at the next moment of bliss and amazement. Just think about it, is there anything that you have ever done in your entire life that felt as amazing as the moment that you first held your newborn baby?

  • Viva Espana; A kiss to build a dream on!

    I think most of the free world was glued to their seats watching the football match between Spain and the Netherlands. I was rooting for Spain, if course, the big guy was rooting for the Netherlands.I suppose it has something to do with our heritage, or perhaps, he just likes to be black to my white; up to my down! In the end, I won! We all know that I am a huge football fan and an even  bigger footballer fan! Aside from the fact that the game itself is strategic, skillful and fast paced, the footballers themselves are awesome. Not only are they fine specimens of the male anatomy, apparently they are sensitive, sexy romantics! Case in Point, Iker Caillas ( Spain’s Hottie King Captain Goalie) and hit equally as smokin girlfriend/reporter, Sara Carbonero.

     [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BAA3mIh6LY]
    dialogue:
    Sara Carbonero: The Royal family leaves, but Iker stays. Ehh … well, look how all began and here we are.
    Iker Casillas: What should i say?
    Sara: Tell me how you are, how do you feel?
    Iker: I´m very happy, cheerful. We deserved this from the beggining. I can only give thanks to the people that supported me always; my parents, my brother, ( almost crying ) —-
    Sara: Don’t worry, let’s talk a little about the match and later we will talk about it, no?
    Iker: to my friends and you.
    Sara: Take a minute to compose yourself, we can talk about that later ,ok?
    Iker:No, this is what I want to do.
    He swept Carbonero into his arms and kissed her on live television.

    Now tell me, what’s not to love about Football? I don’t know about you but I am already looking forward to the 2014 parade of hotties  World Cup 2014 Brazil!  (Vuvuzuelas play in the background:)[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • Throat Punch Thursday Coward Husband Edition

    https://i.cdn.turner.com/cnn/.element/apps/cvp/3.0/swf/cnn_416x234_embed.swf?context=embed&videoId=bestoftv/2010/07/08/ac.gupta.abbie.dorn.tease.cnn

    As a Mother, this video saddened me beyond belief. To go through a pregnancy and then during labor , have your uterus nicked and to basically die on the table due to malpractice..to have your whole life turned upside down, to have your husband abandon you, and take your triplets away from you..from your very sight. It was all too monstrous.

    The story is this, Abbie Dorn married an asshole man named Dan. They were in love, they wanted children, they started fertility, they got pregnant with triplets. The pregnancy progressed as expected. At 8 a.m. on June 20, 2006, the couple raced the short distance to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. Esti and Reuvi were born without incident. But Yossi was positioned awkwardly. While the doctor was  delivering him, he nicked her uterus, according to the malpractice attorney.

    Abbie subsequently lost a massive amount of blood. By 2:30 a.m., she was in shock, her arms and legs cold and clammy. By around 6 a.m., she had stopped breathing. Then she went into cardiac arrest. The defibrillator did not work properly. Her brain was starved for oxygen. This poor woman goes to the hospital to deliver and Cedars-Sinai basically ruined her life. In that instant, all the wonder and excitement of her ever after came to a screeching halt and was replaced with a black abyss of impending doom! It was like a terrible ride and she could not exit, and her husband/her partner/ her advocate jumped off and left her to suffer alone.Is it just me or do you want to beat this man with a giant mallet too? What a bastard!

    After a year of recovery, her husband decided that her injuries were too substantial and he was going to ask for a divorce so he could move on and marry someone else. Citing that, after a year, the chance of progressive recovery is slim. Man, keep that guy away from the plugs! Apparently, he said it was too much to ask of him to handle three 1 year olds by himself! Poor effin idiot! What a heartless jerk. It makes me think of that old Metallica video from the 80’s with the soldier who has no arms, no legs, and can’t speak but his mind is fully functional and he is crying because no one realizes that he is “in there”. What if she is “in there”, crying and missing her children ( you know the ones she only got to hold ONCE!) and everybody thinks she is “vegetative”. That’s what her husband wants the courts to believe but that’s not what her side is saying. They say that Abbie has been responsive, she understands.

    But it gets even better, her douche bag ex -husband doesn’t let her see the children. I agree, she can not take care of the children..she is paralyzed and appears vegetative but she is in therapy and is making progress. I don’t see why she can’t have chaperoned visits with her parents present( her father is a doctor for God’s sake), who she now lives with because her husband kicked her to the curb after she almost died having his babies. Her husband says it is too traumatic for the children. Well, hey asshole..maybe if you hadn’t taken them away from her almost immediately after birth and they had been allowed to maintain a relationship with their mother..the lady who practically died for them..it wouldn’t be traumatic. They would just see their mother and not some scary lady who can’t talk..or move! Did I mention, she has only been allowed to hold her children once..at birth!

    I don’t know about you but I’m pretty sure feeling her children’s arms around her neck could do wonders for her state of mind. What kind of monster would keep a Mother from her children? For the entire story ( I highly recommend that you read it) please go here! So, of course my Throat punch goes to Mr. Dan Dorn and also to the team of morons at Cedars- Sinai who ruined this woman’s life. I understand that the hospital made a series of avoidable mistakes, that happens. It is awful, and scary but it does happen. They are after all only human. However, Dan, you took vows..for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I think he’s a cretin for leaving her in her time of absolute need, but I think he is a monster for not letting her have , at the very least, supervised visits with her children. I think almost dying to bring them into the world gives Mommy some rights! Come here Mr.Dorn, I have a special throat punch for you and if anything gets terribly damaged..be sure to head yourself to Cedars-Sinai so they can patch you up, accidentally cut off your penis and let you bleed to death! See how you like it!

  • The heat is melting me & the ONLY cure is Ice Cream

    Not quite sure what the issue is but lately its been like a balmy 100 degrees of hell outside, and in addition to the Monica Barbados hair that I am sporting

    I feel like I am definitely melting. Well, I am surely sweating perspiring  glistening a lot! It’s pretty disgusting! But I’m not actually sweating my ass off ( if only that were possible because after the past two weeks I’d be giving Kate Moss a run for her money). No, in fact, I am pretty sure I am completely bloated. Is that even possible? Is that a THING..can humidity make you retain water? I’m serious, my money is on yes. I actually discussed  this with a girlfriend, who just happens to be a doctor, and we are pretty sure that there is a “THING” where women retain water during times of humidity.Well, anyways, that’s my story and I’d love to be able to stick to it.Of course, the inordinate amount of ice cream that I have been eating as a cure for the human melting heat, could also possibly be the culprit. Nah, it has to be the humidity!Right?

    Regardless, I am starting to feel like maybe I am resembling Ruby minus the red hair add the Monica!

    Damn ice cream! Damn heat! I know, I’m not actually anywhere near 617 lbs. or even her 300 lbs, that she has most recently been at, but this is what I feel like. This is my perspective. I don’t want to feel like this.

    So, what do you do when you feel frumpy? Lumpy? Gross? I’m pretty much sick to death of excuses..you know…. the ones I tell myself. Believe me, there are a thousand and 1 ‘reasons’ why I am a chunk but the real answer is…I’m not making myself a priority. I put everyone else’s needs above mine. I’ve tried once, last year, to take the bull by the horns..and it really made a difference. I made myself a priority in my own life and I actually felt ‘human’, like  I deserved to have time alone to mentally recoup and workout, to take the time needed to be a better me which made me a better Wife and Mommy. I spent time with my friends. I enjoyed life and felt like I was being a positive role model for my girls. I always conjure the image of turning into Gilbert Grape’s Mom, and how that effected her kids. Yes, I know..I am extreme!

    Of course, these things snow ball. I was on track, lost 25 lbs…the right way by exercise and portion control. I was over the moon and feeling like for once, I was in control. Sure, I’d lost weight before but I cheated. I’d either completely starve myself or I would eat a little and barf it all up. It worked, though I’m pretty lucky I have any teeth left in my head, that I didn’t have a heart attack, and that my esophagus survived the 8 year ordeal( Disclaimer: I stopped this behavior when I got engaged for fear my beloved would have dropped me like a hot potato if he had learned about that particular puke flavor of crazy. I did tell him about it….after I’d stopped. We’ve been married for 11 years, you do the math. Just didn’t want you all to be worried I was running off to the lieu barfing between key strokes). But last fall, my birthday present to myself was “ME”. Then over the holidays life happened, we had to move ( again), I lost my workout buddy ( my biggest cheerleader, my friend), my whole life was up-heaved and then I was stressed about money and our livelihood in general. Add to that my husband being away, the stress of being here all week with the girls while my husband is often out of town, and the uncertainty of it all. It completely threw me off of my “me” game. Now, I feel like such a loser and not like the BIGGEST LOSER in a good way but like an idiot who had the keys to the kingdom and lost them. You know, sorta like poor Kirstie Alley!

    I guess, I have to start prioritizing “me” again. If I don’t, who will? It’s my journey and no one else can take it for me. But my girls are eyewitnesses to my journey, their legacy….and I want it to be one worthy of them; deserving of me! I have to make an effort, make a schedule, make a list, sacrifice some sleep..whatever it takes! Because I know, I can not be happy feeling like this. I know that nobody’s perfect but right now I am not even close to being the best me that I can be. And I really feel like I need to be the best “ME” for me so that I can be a better “ME” for my girls. I want to show them to make themselves a priority! I want to show them what a happy,healthy, fulfilled person looks like! I want to teach them by example what it is like to feel comfortable in your own skin and to love your body and yourself. I want to show them to demand the same of everyone they know, because they are worth it. I want to show them..not tell them! So, please human melting heat go away; I can no longer take the cure! I need exercise, will power, a walking buddy, maybe a program and possibly a therapist..STAT!

     
    Decide carefully, exactly what you want in life, then work like mad to make sure you get it!
    Hector Crawford

  • Throat Punch Thursday; Apparently Somebody’s high edition

    Well, this weeks Throat punch goes to the Mommy in Florida who thought it would be cute to post this picture.

    I am not an idiot. I am assuming this girl ( she is 19) thought this picture would be funny. I mean who hasn’t posed their 11 month old with something totally inappropriate, a thong on their head, an empty beer can, a BONG and snapped a photo for posterity. I think we are all guilty of one three a few of these ourselves. I’d say probably not drug paraphernalia. I mean, who has this stuff lying around the house when they have kids? Oh yeah, crack heads, that’s who. I forgot.My bad.
    Lets face it, most of us are guilty of taking embarrassing photos of our kids that may later mortify them . But this mental midget Mommy won the prize when she , in all of her brilliance, decided that it would be a great idea to post said picture( with illegal paraphernalia in it , no less)  on Facebook. Oh yes, she is a smart one.

    Eventually, the photo fell into the hands of the Florida Dept. of Children and Families which is now in the process of drug testing both the mother and the baby, says Sky News. Can you imagine having them test your baby for pot? I wonder how they got that little guy to pee in the cup?Maybe they coaxed him with Cheerios?NO? Maybe Goldfish? NO? Maybe crack?

    John Harrell the spokesperson for the group told Sky News, “We are alarmed that any parent would take pictures of their child next to what is obviously drug paraphernalia.” It’s like she just didn’t use her little dwarfed brain in the least.

    The unnamed mother has come forward and stated to Sky News via Facebook, “If u look at the picture u can see that there is no bowl in the TABACCO [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][sic] pipe…I would never ever ever let him get high.”
    Oh, well thank God for that. Obviously its OK, since there was no weed in the pipe. I wonder, does she think that marijuana is legal? Maybe on her planet it is.

    If drugs were used by or found near the baby, she could face serious charges, including losing her 11-month-old son to the state of Florida. I think this would be a good plan. She belongs in a parenting class along with the award winning broad whose kid almost got hit by the bus in the middle of the night. Maybe next time she wants a “funny” picture she can pose him with a machete? Or perhaps a nine millimeter?

    The moral of the story is drugs are bad, they cause you to do stupid things and use bad judgment..like posting pictures of you baby on FB holding a bong; alerting an otherwise oblivious DCFS about your crack-headed ways. I don’t think this baby was actually getting high, I’m not an idiot. I am, however, sure that Mommy was. But what I am really concerned about it that his chubby little finger may get lodged in the side there and be stuck forever! What if it broke and cut the poor baby? Bad Mommy..you get the Throat Punch this week for being broken in the brains department and potentially harming that adorable little boy. Actually, I think I should give a roundhouse to that bong to keep Mommy and baby out of trouble![/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • What is Commuter Marriage?

    What is Commuter Marriage?

    You’ve all seen me write about it but maybe you’re wondering what is Commuter Marriage?  As I stand on the front stoop watching my husband pull away for the 17th Sunday, bound for his hole he calls an apartment in Iowa, my throat closes up and I feel like I will be swallowed completely by the huge lump in my esophagus and my eyes burn and sting as they get a little watery.

    I watch my girls run down the sidewalk waving and screaming , “Bye Daddy, I love you!” and my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces inside. Every week it stings my very core; every single time. Sometimes worse than others, but always. I really loathe all this single mothering that I’ve been doing lately but more than that I hate that we are all getting used to it, comfortable even.

    What is commuter marriage? It’s hard on the family.

    The girls are getting used to not having Daddy around, and I am getting used to handling things on my own, and sometimes when he’s here, I think he feel’s like he is out of place in his own home. That is what really bothers me. Isn’t this how people drift apart? Isn’t this how families fall apart? I love my husband, and he loves me but if you get used to not having someone around, pretty soon won’t you stop missing one another?

    When your husband travels for work, it’s not consistent and it’s random and you learn to deal with it by looking forward to the next time he returns. But when your husband has a residence in a whole other state for a job because his office is there and you KNOW he will be gone for at least 4 of the days of the week, it’s a little harder to swallow.

    There is no room for superfluous personal days or no chance of no travel because every week you know, come Sunday afternoon..he’s pulling away and you are left behind on that damn stoop and he’s left watching you grow smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror.

    I thought being married meant someone to share my life with. Recently, I feel more like I am a kept woman; a lonely one at that. I have someone to pay the bills. We’re getting to the point where we are forgetting to tell each other the little things that happen in our day to day and that scares me. Pretty soon we won’t know each other. I can deal with geographic distance but not emotional distance. I mean, I never thought I’d be married and alone.

    What is Commuter Marriage? It’s being married but alone.

    What do I do? Do I tell him to quit and come home because I need my friend, my partner, my husband? Or do I just keep going on ignoring the fact that this is really hard and slowly becoming impossible? Some days, I am okay with it. Other days, I can hardly bear it.I am lonely and I miss our relationship. The day to day, seeing each other, talking about nothing, sharing laughs and feelings, stolen glances and touches. Now, everything is forced into a weekends time and it’s not enough.

    I feel like such an ungrateful asshole. I know I should be filled with gratitude that he has a job at all in this economy but it’s extremely hard when you’ve spent every day of the past 13 years with this man and suddenly you are living separate lives. I know he is just as lonely there but some days I feel overwhelmed with all the responsibility of holding it all together. Some days, it is just too much.But what do you do when you have bills to pay and kids to feed, mortgages, groceries, and school loans? You suck it up, you be a grown-up, you get out of the fetal position, stop crying and stand on that damn stoop and wave goodbye and hope its not for the last time. Commuter marriage is not for the weak.

    What is commuter marriage?

    It’s survival and groceries and mortgages. It’s not being homeless. It’s saying goodbye more often than you ever dreamed. Have you or would you ever be in a commuter marriage and make it work?

  • Throat Punch Thursday: Condoms for Kiddies Edition

    https://i.cdn.turner.com/cnn/.element/apps/cvp/3.0/swf/cnn_416x234_embed.swf?context=embed&videoId=us/2010/06/24/dnt.condoms.for.elementary.kids.wcvb

    Well, we all know how I feel about sex education for elementary schoolers. What is this world coming to? When kindergarten through fifth grade students return to class at Veterans Memorial Elementary School in Provincetown, Mass., this fall, they’ll be able to ask the school nurse for condoms.Well,that’s a hell of a school supply. That  better not show up on my beginning of the year wish list for the class, they can  just keep on wishing.Wishing they were older! No questions, no write your name down and call your Mama. It’s their very own don’t ask, don’t tell; the mini me version. It’s a free license to be promiscuous and experiment sexually when you are in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. Some of these kids can’t even spell their names, tie their shoes, barely wipe their own asses. Now, we are giving them condoms. They don’t have the social skills to know how to deal with this. This is wrong on so many levels that I am beyond flabbergasted. I am on the ground passed out. Yes, I am lying on the floor passed out typing this post.
    Thanks to a new, district-wide policy approved by the Provincetown School Board, condoms are now available to students in all schools, regardless of their age. Parents will not only NOT be informed, they can not opt their children out. So there is no paperwork to sign to say do NOT give my kid condoms! WTF? Who the hell are these people? What the hell gives them the right to do this without  my permission? They work for me, right? This is a damn infringement of parental rights if ever I saw one!Thank GOD my kids are going to Catholic school!
    Officials say that there’s no set age when sexual activity starts and students who ask for condoms will also receive counseling and information on abstinence. OK, so we are expected to give these little kids condoms and not expect them to think its OK to experiment? It’s like giving them candy and saying not to eat it. They don’t have the restraint. Are we going to see an increase in “date” rapes? Little boys are going to think since they were given the condoms with adult permission maybe that means free range to have sex with whatever little girl they choose.
    This is absurd. What next, passing out guns when kids start 2nd grade? Whose brilliant idea was this to give K-5th graders condoms? I mean are they passing out some special brand for babies? No way a condom made for a grown mans junk is going to fit a elementary schooler’s penis! I don’t have little boys so I don’t know how that works but I do feel that by doing this they have made the world a little lot less safe unsafe for little girls.
    This weeks throat punch definitely goes to the morons at the Provincetown School Board, the world renowned champion mental midgets, who approved this district wide policy of condoms for kiddies. Stay tuned, I am sure it will be coming to your town soon!Happy Mothering! Oh wait, better check to see if that is OK with the Provincetown School Board first. What’s next? Free abortion clinics operating out of the gymnasium at the middle school? Maybe free crack if you make the AB honor roll?

  • Coitus Interrruptus

    Big Guy:” The Kids asleep?”
    Me: “Yeah, we better hurry.  You know they’ll be waking up soon for… something….anything”
    Big Guy: “OK. where do you want to do this?The kids are in our bed right? How about the living room?”
    Me:”No way, we’re too exposed. We’d be right out in the open.”
    Big Guy:” How about Bella’s room?”
    Me: “NO, that’s right across from our room..they’d walk in and there we’d be. It’s too easy to get caught!”
    Big Guy: “What about Gabs room? They’d have to make a turn, we’d have a warning!”
    Me: “Sounds good, but not in the bed..that would be gross!”
    Big Guy:” OK, so we got about 10 minutes on Gabs’ bedroom floor?”
    Me:”Yep!”
    Big Guy:” GO!”

    Sound familiar? I know I am not the only one with co-sleepers, or small children in general. This was NOT in the baby handbook! How people have more than 2 kids, I will never know. It must be pure unadulterated dumb luck. I know how we go the first one, we were alone, we were married, we lived in Tennessee and nothing was on TV so we got a lot of practice entertaining ourselves!  Then we went on a romantic getaway with nothing to do but linger in each others arms. BAM! There ya go! But number 2, that baby was conceived on a Labor Day afternoon while a baby napped, Daddy had the day off, and Mommy was feeling frisky. Now, fast forward to 3 years later..there is no way that we could conceive another one. Love making has been reduced to an Olympic qualifying sport.It’s all about being very strategic and very fast, rushed and quiet (Sush, you’ll wake the girls).There’s no falling into it, no looking longingly into each others eyes with that hungry look. We still have those hungry looks but now its usually a hunger for sleep.

    We’ve never really been busted, probably because we are like merry minstrels roaming from room to room to find a spot to engage in the occasional coitus. Making matters worse, now he is always out of town for business so that leaves me with only 3 nights and 3 days of potential love making to choose from.  So, if I say I’m too tired or I’ve got a headache, I have to think carefully because the opportunity may not present itself again until the following week.(Yes, a whole week more)Who are we kidding, you can’t make “love” in that sliver of time we are allotted after our kids fall asleep and before the first time they wake up for water, the potty, nightmares, what have you.Let’s call it what it is, we are making a quickie and sometimes we can’t even get through that before someone wakes up and calls out. Nothing like being almost there, and having to go soothe a cryer back to sleep. That will dry you up quicker than a shot of Sudaphed.Don’t worry Daddies, I’m pretty sure it can shrivel your junk up too, within a matter of seconds. Thank God its the quality and not the quantity that counts. Quality is fantastic, quantity, well, we need to clear up some scheduling conflicts…like children running a muck and working out of town! I never understood what the hell all this “I have a headache” stuff was about. Then I had kids and I realized, the headache of which they speak is the headache it is to try and choreograph “Special” time with your partner.

    Sometimes, you just need a back rub and that’s it. It’s not code for anything but I’m tired and my damn back hurts from chasing and lugging kids all day. Can you help a Mama out and just rub my back? But we can’t even get through that without someone waking up, calling out, or creeping up on us.I have been busted getting a late night massage in front of the fire place, thank God it hadn’t evolved any further. That’s why I know the living room is too exposed.  I have a friend who told me that her and her husband used to rendezvous in their closet for “special” time, away from the prying ears of their teenagers. My closet just isn’t big enough for those kind of escapades. Her and her husband are both on the smaller side. My husband is a giant and I’m life size not fun sized, so there’s no way that could happen in my house. Plus with all that clean laundry that’s hiding out in my closet floor, there’s no room left for love making…unless the big guy wants to hump my clean nighties that are in desperate need of being put away. He never sees them on anymore, so I am sure one look at them and he’d be done.

    How do you coordinate special time? Dose the kiddies with Benadryl? Lock the doors and turn out the lights and pretend no ones home? During nap time? Where do you have to hide to get your groove on? I need suggestions, I am running out of  rooms that are safe. I was thinking about the basement but then I’d die if one of the kids woke up, came looking for us, and fell down the stairs. Oh, the joys of Motherhood! Happy Parenting!