The TRUTH About Motherhood

Category: Marriage and Relationships

My Honeymoon & Wedding Day Mishaps Made Marriage Seem Easy

Happiness is….
Remember your honeymoon?
My wedding and honeymoon were 15 years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday. I’ve been helping my baby sister plan her wedding and I won’t lie it’s been taking me back to my own wedding and honeymoon. Weddings and honeymoons are all about new beginnings and starting your life and for us, a new beginning couldn’t have happened without a series of unfortunate events preceding it. Into every life a little rain must fall, of course, for me it was more like a monsoon wedding. It’s funny how when you look back you only ever remember the good parts of your wedding day.
Our mishaps began the night before the wedding; it started with a rehearsal dinner that ended up at a local club, which ended with a giant blowout between a couple in our wedding. Long story short, I spent the entire night before my wedding driving my bridesmaid around the city looking for her husband, a groomsman.
I got home around 5 am. My alarm for the biggest day of my life went off at 8 am; I woke in a hurried rush, grabbed my baby sister and the luggage under my eyes and barely made it across town to my 8:30 a.m. hair and nail appointment. Then the day just got crazier; lost bridesmaids, missing flower girl, a dad who wouldn’t take off his sunglasses, exes at the church and a bride who hadn’t eaten in 3 days and was having a full on panic attack but through it all, one thing was for certain, I knew the Big Guy was waiting for me at the end of that aisle and I couldn’t wait to be there…with him.
Father wears sunglasses in church because he’s too cool to cry in public.
At one point at the rectory, when I should have been sipping on champagne and being fawned over, I instead was struggling to find my way into my huge Cinderella-esqe dress on my own and had a mom on each butt cheek fastening my garters to my thigh highs. Talk about getting close with your mother-in-law. That was a bond sealing moment to say the very least.
Finally, I made it down the aisle but not before my ring bearer had a complete meltdown and wouldn’t walk down the aisle. 3-year-olds, what are you going to do? At that point, I was so nervous that I jumped the gun and nearly ran down the aisle into the Big Guy’s arms before my music even started playing. Just an FYI, if you ever find yourself in that situation, the organist, flutist, violinist and musician will all change their tune (quite literally) to keep up with the bride. I am sure it was amusing as an attendee.
3-year-olds are the best!
Once down the aisle, not once but three times did I almost take out the priest and entire front row of the church with my enormous gown. Think, Godzilla with a 10-foot train, in a China shop made of delicate Catholic souls. Thankfully, the presiding priest had a very in tact sense of humor and offered at one point to shear off the back of the dress to prevent any harm being done to women and small children. Thankfully, no one was hurt in the making of this wedding or honeymoon.
The groom looks debonair. The bride looks like maybe she needs to go peepee.
Of course, a bride who hasn’t eaten in 3 days, had a near miss with a panic attack and ran down the aisle as if she were Cinderella about to turn back into a pumpkin probably should not have been given celebratory cocktails. From what I remember of the evening, there was a trolley ride for the entire bridal party that included alcohol on an empty stomach, then there was an arrival to Star Wars Music (it was my one compromise) and then a bouquet thrown before anyone had a chance to take a photo (waiting is not my strong suit) and the combining of champagne glasses. Let no man put asunder what a bride has combined into champagne flutes.
No sleep, no problem. Bride takes quick nap on way to reception.

I vaguely remember it taking 4 bridesmaids to assist me in the peeing process ( 2 to hold each side of my ball gown wedding dress, one to hold my hands and balance me as I hovered over the toilet and one to pull my panties down and dab) and something about a 10 foot train that kept coming unbustled. Boy, do I have some good friends. Then it gets blurry.
Wind blown, no food and keeping it classy with a can of beer. Ain’t love grand?
Next thing I remember was leaving our reception to find our SUV saran wrapped covered in condoms, rice and Vaseline. We were in our early 20’s and apparently our friends were infantile. We had to cut our way in and then make a quick stop at a car wash before heading to our honeymoon suite at the hotel downtown. I remember doing the peepee dance in my stark white wedding dress, in front of our SUV and it’s fuzzy but it seems there was some hanging on to the bumper and trying to balance myself enough to pee while my brand spanking new husband help up 50 pounds of satin and tulle. Champagne goes right through you.
Next stop, the fancy downtown hotel. By this time, I am barefoot and running around the hotel lobby in search of a restroom large enough to accommodate my dress looking and behaving anything but fancy. My bridegroom rushed to check in before I ended up on the evening news.
Bustle broken, bride busted; time to hit the potty! NOT 1987…1999 & we partied like it was. I was scaring small children with this monstrosity of a dress.
We got up to the honeymoon suite to find more champagne and a basket full of wedding night sexiness but all I could do was the peepee dance and order my husband to get me out of the dress as quickly as possible so that I could pee in peace. Finally, I got to pee and then I promptly passed out leaving my husband to drink champagne and feed himself chocolate covered strawberries.
The next morning, I awoke to discover my wedding dress and trousseau on the floor and my overnight bag and shoes curiously missing apparently in the hurry and chaos, no one remembered to pack MY (the bride) overnight bag. There was no way that I was putting that dress back on, so I wore my husband’s (who is 6’5″ while I am a mere 5’7″) tuxedo back to my in laws house where we were opening gifts in front of friends and family before departing on our official honeymoon. I looked like the kid in Big when he changed back to a kid. It was embarrassing and ridiculous but that night we had a honeymoon reboot and it’s been awesome ever since. The rest of the honeymoon and the marriage have been easy compared to the wedding.
I guess it could have been worse; I could have gotten a UTI on our honeymoon. Yikes, that would really put a damper on romance; not exactly the type of “burning love” that I was looking forward to on my honeymoon! We know that having a lot of sex in a short period of time without letting your body recoup can cause irritation, which in turn can make it easier for you to get a UTI. Also, certain positions such as woman on top cowboy or reverse cowboy can increase the risk of contracting a UTI. Isn’t lots of sex in various positions in a short period of time the exact definition of a honeymoon?
Luckily, there is Cystex PLUS Urinary Pain Relief Tablets, an OTC UTI medication with an antibacterial agent that helps to contain the progression of infection, as well as help reduce the pain and burning sensation with an analgesic while you wait to see your physician. For recurrent UTIs, Cystex Liquid Cranberry Complex is a great-tasting, drug-free, daily supplement that is clinically proven to promote urinary health with its convenient Proantinox cranberry formula containing vitamin C!
Enter the Cystex® Romantic Night In Giveaway hosted on www.facebook.com/Cystex for three winners to have a chance to win a gourmet dinner for two delivered to your door with a gift certificate from GourmetStation.com, a $150 gift card to Victoria Secret to create more honeymoon moments and a box of Cystex® PLUS Urinary Pain Relief Tablets and Cystex® Liquid Cranberry Complex. Entry period for the Cystex® Romantic Night In Giveaway will occur from 7/24/2014-8/21/2014.
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This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Cystex®. The opinions and text are all mine.
2014/08/11
Does the Washington Post Hate Women? #YesAllWomen
Oh look, the Washington Post thinks that for women to protect themselves from being victims of violence and rape we should all get married or live with our biological fathers because hey, if we’d all just stop being such cock-teasing whores for one minute and stopped taking lovers and made honest women of ourselves, we’d never have to worry about feeling threatened and “uncomfortable” and all of this #YesAllWomen business could just go away. Coincidentally, once again placing blame on the women for being abused. I mean come on, if the b*tch wasn’t drunk and half-naked, the least she could have done was gotten married and stopped trying to be such an independent woman. That’s how she got herself abused and if she hasn’t gotten herself abused, the dumb broad probably got her kids abused because she decided to date again after leaving the crack-headed, wife beating, meth head she was married to.
It was written by two academics by the names of W. Bradford Wilcox and Robin Fretwell Wilson, whose names aren’t the only thing out of the 19th century: the article looks at a bunch of statistics in regard to violence against women and children, and concludes that “the data show that #yesallwomen would be safer hitched to their baby daddies.”
Basically, once again, the world (more precisely the Washington Post) has lumped us all into 2 categories; whores and virgins and there is no room for gray, only black and white. The bottom line is that the Washington Post has at least two misogynistic writers who blame all women for being treated like second class citizens. Hell, maybe there’s even a secret woman haters club at the Washington Post that meets once a week and is lobbying for the acceptance of drowning baby girls because really, what the hell’s the point? Because apparently, some people think that men can procreate without women and our pesky uteri. Apart from cooking and cleaning in all of our bare footed glory, women serve no real purpose in the world other than to look pretty and be quiet, right? News flash, women are people too.
Yes, misogyny is alive and well at the Washington Post.
Men are allowed to do as they will and women are supposed to suck it up and just accept their fate. I mean WHY would any woman think that she has the right to happiness after divorce or at all, for that matter? It doesn’t matter whether the man was an abusive jerk who beat her on the regular and had started molesting their children, she is his property and she needs to just accept that and be alone and in fear for the rest of her life. If not, it’s going to be her fault when something bad happens and it will because women are like magnets for bad shit to happen so prepare your daughters.
Eff it, happiness is overrated anyways plus I hear only men can truly experience happiness, it has something to do with the happiness receptors being located right under the tip of their penis or wait, maybe it has something to do with being an asshole. I can’t remember. What do you expect, I was just some kid whose mother stayed with her husband and I was raised by my biological father but we all still got to experience our fair share of abuse. I guess we were just lucky.
When I was about 8, I begged my mom to leave because even at that young age, I knew that it was wrong. I knew that there had to be something more out there than just accepting your situation. I KNEW that she deserved better. That we all deserved better. But none of us got it. We all got to suffer in silence. Do I think that my life is better because of her sacrifice? NO! Do I think she is happier because of her sacrifice? NO! Did it save her from abuse, pain and humiliation? NO! This is the oldest story in the book. This is fear-mongering and it is about time we stop letting fear keep us quiet. It’s time to get mad; downright pissed off and to stand up against the misogynistic world we live in It all starts with one person willing to say no; to be the change. I’m saying no for all the women who couldn’t or haven’t. NO!
Maybe life would have been better had my mom not been brainwashed into staying in her abusive marriage by a society that taught her that it was better to be miserable and have a husband, better to be abused and let your children get abused than to be alone. Thank God for a society who looks out so deeply for its women folk. No thanks, I’ll take my chances and try to decide for myself what’s best for me and my children. Unless you are living in the same dire situation that some women face every day by being abused and raped by their partners, you have no right to insist that she take it on the chin and just accept it.
Hey Washington Post until you’ve lived in the world with a vagina, why not stop skewing statistics to fit your agenda?
2014/06/11
Are Alpha Women the Reason So Many Marriages Are Failing?
Do you think as Alpha Women are taking back their “bossy” and leaning in so hard that maybe we are forcing men out?
Are Alpha Women responsible for causing so many failed marriages and entitled kids who are products of these divorces? FOX news thinks so. Wait a minute…FOX news doesn’t think, they just speak.
I recently watched this video segment on FOX news and was flabbergasted. I was sure that someone had posted an Onion piece posing as a FOX “news” piece but then again, what comes out of FOX news channel these days shouldn’t surprise me. They are the conservative news outlet and apparently, they don’t so much report the news as bend it to their will to support their conservative agenda. Or maybe it was an Onion piece? I kinda hope it is.
Apparently, as we women “lean in”, men are forced to lean out to avoid being completely annihilated. Now that a whopping 24% of women make more money than their husbands, the conservative dogma is about to implode upon itself. (Women typically make 23% less than men, so obviously if these women are making 24% more than their husbands, they are having to work just about 150% harder for that.)
In this particular piece, it was stated that social pressures in the U.S. for men to be breadwinners are what may cause the marital problems. Obviously, the answer is for women to stop being so damn Alpha and let their men do what God intended, take care of women. Only there is one f*cking problem, men don’t always take care of women and secondly, not all women want to be at the mercy of some man to make her dreams come true.
Look, our whole lives, women have been told that in order to succeed in life we need to get married and have children, keep a clean house, cook well and look good while doing it all. We are not supposed to think or have free will if it interferes with the grand scheme of things. If what we want to do interferes with what he wants to do, we are expected o acquiesce because you know… the vagina thing. Just accept our fates already. We have vaginas, they make us weak so we need big, hairy men to take care of us. Huh?
In fact, let’s back up, what constitutes ALPHA WOMEN?
Is FOX News trying to insinuate that strong women are the problem? Are we suppose to teach our girls to bend to the will of men and take less than they deserve just to make the men in their lives feel better? Because I’ve got to tell you, that will never happen in my house. We teach our girls to do their best, work their hardest and go for whatever they want. We teach them that anything is possible. I’m raising Alpha Girls.
The question was raised, “Do women LIKE being taken care of?” Well, I have a two-part answer for that. First of all, what does taken care of mean? Financial security? Shelter? Food? Or emotional support and love?
My first answer is yes! Of course, every person (man and woman) loves to be taken care of in a way that they have a partner that reciprocates unconditional love and support. Do we all like having someone in our life that will carry us through when we are down or give us a hand when we have fallen? Of course, we do. Doesn’t everyone? Do we like being financially stable and being provided a beautiful home and things? Of course, that is human nature. But do I expect my husband to provide my everything? No. He is my partner and I am his. We get through this life together. If being “taken care of” means my husband going to work every day while I stay home and work my tail off and that equals him getting to do whatever he wants while I get to be subservient, then no thank you. We take care of each other over here.
No one is leaning over crushing the other under his or her weight. Sure there are sometimes when he is the star and I let him shine and there are other times when I am leaning in so hard, he picks up all the slack. This is not him doing me a favor or me letting go of my dreams to support his. We do this for one another. No, marriage is not 100% equal all of the time. You are a fool if you think it is. But in the grand scheme of things, if you add up our years together and divide them by when ones been the star and the other has been the wind beneath the wings; it’s just about even.
I don’t make anywhere near as much as my husband does these days but when we were first out of college, I was the only one working while he interviewed for months. We lived together. There was no animosity. I worked while he looked for a job. Every night we sat down together for dinner, both of us had worked all day; one at a place of business the other at home. I appreciated everything he did for our home. I respected him for being a participant in our marriage and supporting me emotionally during that time in our life.
Once we had children, we made the decision that I would stay home. To be honest, I made the decision and he completely supported me. Since he had been home, he knew what had to be done to keep a home running. Once we had the children, he knew I was at home raising our babies. He knew all the other stuff I was doing as well and he supported me. We moved several times throughout our marriage for his dreams and now, he supports me in pursuing mine. When I go to conferences or on press trips, he is able to be flexible at his place of employment. He’ll work from home when I travel. When I have deadlines, he makes dinner. He knows how to give the girls a ballet bun. He takes them to ballet on nights when I need to host a Twitter party or have a Google chat about business.
In our home there are no master and servant roles, there are only 2 people who have loved and supported one another for the past 16 years. There are no man’s work or woman’s work, there are only things that need to get done and we do it…together. The idea that a man would divorce a committed, loving wife for making more money then him I ludicrous and only proves how stupid it is to let male pride and machismo get in the way of happiness.
In truth, the Big Guy says if I ever make enough money to be the sole breadwinner, he’d be more than happy to stay home with the girls and consult for a living. He gets pretty excited at the dream of an early retirement.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe that finances most certainly can contribute to the divorce rate but that usually has more to do with a lack of money. Our philosophy has always been that as long as we have one another’s love and support and the true desire to be together, there are very few problems that we couldn’t work through. Next week, we celebrate 15 years of marriage so apparently, what we do has been working for us.
Alpha women, Alpha Men, Alpha Babies and Alpha Dogs, we love them all.
2014/05/06
Hangry Wife, Unhappy LIfe
Hangry, are you familiar with the term?
Hangry is when a person who is hungry becomes unreasonably angry. I call it my Joe Pecsi side. I can be the kindest person you’ll ever meet but when my blood sugar gets low, I get the shakes, I feel faint and I go from sweetie to full on bitch in a matter of seconds; like a rabid dog. I am short and my words are biting, no one is safe. As I get the cold sweats and perspiration beads upon my upper lip, all I can think, is Dear God, please let me get some carbs in me before I fall flat on my face or kill someone.
Hey, you, you walking at snail speed through the grocery store on Tuesday morning. I don’t care if you are 85-years-old (carrying a newborn in a carrier or have three broken legs), I’ve not eaten in 14 hours and if you don’t move your brittle boned (exhausted, non-sleep having, hoveraound driving) ass, I am going to start chewing on your elbow. Think Linda Blair in The Exorcist.
Enter doughnut. Enter compassion and patience and love. Hug a tree. Kiss a baby. Wipe an old person’s nose. Carry a spider outside. Smile at a stranger.
Excuse me, ma’am, can I get that for you. Here, I will help you. I love the elderly ( new moms, disabled). ** I am seriously not myself when I am hungry. I go from Mrs. Hyde to Dr. Hangry in a matter of minutes. It’s scary. Luckily, the cure is a piece of food. God, I must have been miserable to be around when I was anorexic. (That was a joke and I can make that one because I lived to tell about it.)
Well, a new study validates me. Low blood sugar makes couples more aggressive. 107 couples were asked to measure their blood sugar levels every morning and night for 21 days. Each night they were asked to stick up to 51 pins in a voodoo doll, depending on how angry they were at their spouse. The researchers compared this aggression level to the participants’ average glucose levels over the study period.
The results proved that study participants with lower nightly blood sugar levels were more aggressive and pinned the voodoo doll substantially more. These findings remained true even after researchers controlled the data for relationship satisfaction. See hangry is real and it’s dangerous.
Luckily for me, the Big Guy, never lets himself starve. He is the glue that keeps this marriage together because God knows when I go all Pesci, I get on my own damn nerves.
When I am hangry, I want to throat punch everyone including myself.
Everyone gets upset at their spouse on occasion, that’s normal. People have bad days and some times you just need your damn space or the kids are being assholes or your husband refuses to pick up his socks for 5 years but self-control and maturity prevents you from going all ape shit bananas on them and attacking. Hopefully, if your husband says something stupid your first instinct isn’t to bash his brains in with a bat. But self-control is a limited resource (don’t I know it?) and each time you use it, you have a little less. When self-control stops, aggression starts. You replenish your self-control with energy, from food. So when you are starving and you’ve already used up your daily allowance of self-control, hangry enters like a Tasmanian devil and wreaks havoc on everyone in it’s path. You wouldn’t like me when I am hungry. It’s ugly.
So next time you are thinking of juicing or starving yourself before a reunion or for bikini season, ask yourself this, are you feeling lucky? Because while nothing tastes as good as thin feels, nothing is worth dealing with a hangry person acting all Joe Pesci. Give that hangry person a piece of cake and tell them you prefer them just the way they are.
You’ve heard the song, If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, better make an ugly woman your wife? Well, it’s because it’s better to feed your beloved and have her be a little less attractive than to starve her into waif thin model shape and have her take an ice pick to you over a piece of toast. The moral of the story is never discuss politics, religion, finances or those 10 extra pounds you want to lose or his sock on the floor issue on an empty stomach or someone might get hurt.
Do you ever get hangry?
2014/04/16
How to be Happy this Valentine’s Day; No Date Needed
Happy Valentine’s Day!
This isn’t my usual gushy Valentine’s Day post that I write about the Big Guy. We are celebrating tomorrow night thanks to a couple of awesome grandparents who are keeping the girls overnight. I’m sure there’s a gushy post coming but this is not it. Nope today, I have been crazy busy with volunteer work, Halloween parties and making 60 homemade Valentine’s Day cards for my daughters’ classmates because obviously, Pinterest has ruined my children but this is how my day started. Which was the perfect way to start my day just because, he always knows the right thing to say. I Love this man so much. He loves me like no one else can. (**OK, that may have been a little bit gushy. Sorry, I can’t help it. I’ve been up to my eyeballs in hearts all day.) Then,over breakfast, the girls and I did a mass name signing to half made, homemade Valentine’s Day cards for their classes. We were under a time crunch for sure but I refused to let this steal my joy. We giggled and laughed through the whole hurried, chaotic ordeal. With only minutes to spare we loaded into the SUV and started our new morning ritual…listening to “Happy” by Pharrell from door to door. Yes, we dance all the way there. It’s impossible to be in a bad mood when listening to it. Seriously, it’s not possible, especially not when you see the two people you love most in the world , in the rearview mirror, off the hook car dancing and singing at the top of their lungs, “Because.I’m.Happy!!!
I dropped them off but had to come right back for 4 hours of volunteer work at the school. I was in desperate need of coffee, if I was going to keep up my new found “Happy” attitude. So I headed to Starbucks, courtesy of a surprise “Just because” gift card I received. Those are always awesome! I ordered my coffee. I was so excited for Starbucks because I have cut way back on my Starbucks consumption. I, honestly, don’t remember the last time I bought one. I get to the window to pay with my gift card in hand and the happiest barista I’ve ever met tells me to enjoy my Valentine’s Day because the woman in front of me paid for my coffee. I was so stunned by an actual random act of kindness, because I’ve never been the recipient end, that I forgot to pay for the person behind me but I will rectify that on my next visit. What is it about pay it forward Starbucks that makes it taste so damn good? YUMMMM!@ I went to school in such a great mood and did my volunteer work with a giant smile and a happy attitude. I was passing out compliments and smiles like they were condoms at a frat party. I was giving them to everybody I made eye contact with. Not even cutting out and addressing 60 handmade cards and running a class party on a skeleton crew. Then this happened. My 3rd Grader repurposed one of her homemade Valentine’s Day cards to say “If parents were flowers….I’d pick you!” while her sister gave me an “I LOVE YOU!” eraser and then there was the homemade “Owl be Your Valentine!” Swoon. Damn, I am happy. My house is dirty, my hair is in a ponytail, the laundry needs to be folded but I am loved and really, when you’ve got these many people who love you so damn much…. what else do you need? Now, go commit obscene amounts of random acts of kindness and make someone smile because believe me, that simple act can change someone’s entire day. So, I hope your Valentine’s Day is filled with love and every day after that too. Now, go get Happy!
Happy Valentine’s Day!

2014/02/14
What Women Really Want on Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Can you believe it? Only 9 more days until the world explodes with expressions and overt gestures of love. Oh, I love LOVE.
When I was in my early 20’s Valentine’s Day was all about having a guy to shower me with some gift that I could show off to my girlfriends to show that “he loves me! HE really loves me!” ( because obviously, you know, i was too young and dumb to know what that even meant.) I know because he bought me this (insert cheesy item) 75% of piece of jewelry, bouquet of roses ( which I detest and remind me of a funeral), took me out to dinner, brought me a bouquet of Twizzlers, sent me cheap chocolates or bought cheap Champagne, even cheaper lingerie and tore up some of the cheap roses he bought me all over the bed. Yes, those are the things that impress you when you are 21/22-years-old. It was more about the show of showering me with love than the actual act of loving me because at 21, what did any of us know about real, true to God, honest, unconditional love? Not much. Not me anyways. Then I grew up.
Now, Valentine’s Day is not about things because there is nothing that can replace the unconditional love and support that I have received from the Big Guy all these 17 years. We have grown up together. We have built a family. Built a life. He is my home and my soft place to land when the world has beaten me to a bloody pulp and I am his. He has given me everything I never knew I always wanted and he has made me a better person, just by loving me so damn deeply and unconditionally. He’s made me not afraid to try because I know if I fail, he will be there to love me harder for having tried.He knows that I love him even when I want the rest of the world to fall away.
What women really want for Valentine’s Day
As you can see by this infographic, most women don’t want roses, flowers or chocolates on Valentine’s Day. Roses and flowers wither and die. Once you eat chocolates they are gone. What most of us want it not to be told that you love us on Valentine’s Day but to be shown that you love us every single day of our lives. Love is something a person wants to feel; to know. It doesn’t need to be shouted from the highest mountain top, it only needs to be whispered with sincerity into our ear; to be felt in your embrace or your kiss.
The best give my husband has ever given me, aside from his unconditional love, our children and a certain diamond ring, is the one he gives me every Mother’s Day and Valentine’s day, a day off of life; a day of relaxation with no responsibilities. It sounds simple, I know but by him taking responsibility off my shoulders is more than just a day to relax and indulge in pampering myself, it is about acknowledging that he loves me enough to pay attention to what I really need; time to myself to just be.
Sometimes relaxing is watching a movie in bed with no interruptions, taking a hot bubble bath with the door locked or escaping and unwinding by creating a real pamper session at home with indulgent body care or foot care products by myself. Just knowing that I have the freedom and time to do those things that I took for granted before I had children is now a luxury.
The thing I want most this Valentine’s Day is to spend it with my husband, just being a couple. I know he loves me, every day of the year, but I’d like to spend this Valentine’s Day by sending the girls to spend the night at Grandma’s house, spending some time pampering myself, giving the Big Guy time to do something he enjoys before having a quiet, grown up dinner together and at the end of the day just falling into the arms of the man I love and talking about nothing and everything without interruption. That sounds like the perfect Valentine’s Day to me.
What is your idea of the perfect Valentine’s Day?

Disclosure: The infographic about what Women really want for Valentine’s Day was provided as part of a brand collaboration.

2014/02/05
They Said til Death Do Us Part
There was one thing that scared me a bit in 2013; Divorce. There sure were a lot of people getting divorced. Even people who you thought were perfect for one another and had great marriages, suddenly they were done. Next thing you know that they’re already having deeper issues because of parental alienation syndrome. What is parental alienation syndrome, you ask? Go to kabirfamilylaw.co.uk for more details. I started to believe that maybe marriage had a shelf life even after you made it past the dreaded 7-year-itch and the expiration date was somewhere between the 11-18 year mark. We’re about to hit 15 years, so we are right smack dab in the middle of the likely to divorce session of marriage.I guess it makes sense, those are the years when people find themselves getting bored. Babies are born and life has become predictable and maybe you miss the excitement of when it was all new. You’ve both changed and maybe instead of growing together, you’ve grown apart. I get it. People grow up and perspectives and beliefs change and evolve. What’s important to you at 23, might not be important at all when you are 33.
It felt like everyone I knew was going through an early midlife crisis and their spouse had suddenly become as obsolete to them as condoms. No one gets married thinking this will be nice for 10 years or so but no one should stay in a bad marriage but I also think we should work hard to try to salvage a good one. Sometimes just talking, really talking and listening to one another can make all the difference because maybe your partner is having all the same questions and fears about the marriage. I have also seen first hand that hurts done without sincerely apology can kill love dead. Together maybe you can work towards fixing it but if one person is oblivious to the turmoil the marriage is in or content with the way things are and the other is miserable, things build up and people part ways. It made me think. It made me wonder what the fuck would I do if I found myself suddenly single at 41?
I mean 41 is not old but it’s also not prime husband shopping years. I’ve given birth, gained weight and have a lot more baggage than I did at 25. I have kids for God’s sake. It’s not just my life a relationship would effect, it’s my girls’ lives too and who could I ever trust to care for them and love them like their own father because they’d be marrying all 3 of us; we’re a package deal. Not to mention, and I hate to admit it, I don’t tan or pluck and shave and workout like I once did. My unibrow is just about got the band back together and my mustache, well, I swear that sonofabitch is trying to join forces with this sudden onset middle age chin fuzz. My boobs, they are further south than I knew was possible for women under 80 and every single bone in my body pops and cracks when I walk. I swear, I am 1 duct taping away from falling completely apart. Attractive, right? You’re probably wondering why the hell my husband’s still around with all that going on in the first place? I can only guess its because crazy turns him on.
The Big Guy and I got married agreeing that we don’t believe in divorce. There is only one way out of this marriage and that is death. Now, you can go by natural causes like old age two days after I die or you can break one of the deadly sins of marriage like abusing a wife or a child in any way or cheating, having extramarital relations. We’ve joked about it and I’ve warned him of how if we ever divorce he will keep me in the lifestyle I am accustomed to and he will have the children and pets every weekend (because you know I’ll have to be on the prowl for a wealthy man. Yep, I married for love once, next go around I need financial stability and botox and such. ) But really, we both know, there is only ONE way out of this marriage and it involves death and us parting. It’s all just a matter of how, why and when you go.
I’d just assume skip the whole homicidal thing plus I really quite like being married to the Big Guy so I’ve decided maybe I’d like to spice up the marriage we have. What we have works but I know we are boring. At the end of the day, he is still my favorite person in the world, my best friend and when he grabs my hand to hold it, it still takes my breath away. We’re both older, heavier and we know all of each others old stories. We know what the other is thinking before they ever say it. It may sound boring if you are on the outside looking in but we still surprise one another with a flirty glance or a thoughtful gesture. Through it all; ups and downs, good and bad, rich and poor there is one constant; unconditional love and everyone knows that trumps that new relationship feeling.
The girls are getting a little older so maybe it’s time to focus a little more time on the marriage now that we can spend a little less time trying to keep the kids alive. At 6 and 8 they are pretty good about walking up stairs, keeping keys out of electrical outlets and averting danger and they’ve gotten really good at breathing through the night…I know, I still check. So maybe a little 15 year spice is just the preventative measure we need to insure marital bliss for years to come. Plus, really, nobody wants to die anytime soon.
What do you do to keep your marriage new and exciting? OR if you have gotten a divorce, what do you wish you would have done differently?
2014/01/02
Good Girls & Double Standards: The Whore/ Virgin Dilemma
Dear Preston Waters,
I read your piece about good girls today being as illusive as the unicorn; non-existent. I hope you are wrong. I am a unicorn who is currently raising two unicorns (as you call them). I am teaching them to have respect for themselves and do what makes them happy in life. Life is too short to live by other people’s rules; especially when the rules are not clear and ever changing. Good girls are not extinct, maybe you are just too pompous and stupid to see them because you are so busy going for the easy piece of ass and then disregarding the girl who showed you charity.
I agree that we live in a world where more women are sexually asserting themselves. We live in a world of selfies and social media gone wild. People taking nude photos of themselves and uploading them to the internet or sexting them and having them end up in the wrong hands has become common place. The world has become so small that sometimes we forget that we are not alone with our computer, camera or phone. We forget that the Internet is vast and permanent. Forever. Talk about never being able to outgrow the sins of your youth.
Women have not lost all morals and respect for themselves, you are just more aware of their indiscretions thanks to social media. Men and women have been making mistakes since the beginning of time. We still have dignity, only now we also have the Internet and our every mistake can live on in infamy. What’s so wrong with a woman enjoying sex, anyways?
Mr. Waters you are complaining because men have finally gotten everything they ever wanted, women who are willing and able to have consensual sex with you on her terms. No more begging, no more bullying her into it; nope, now women realize that they can choose to embrace their own sexual appetites without being a whore. Still, your misogyny won’t let you accept your gift. We’ve finally broken free of the shackles of patriarchal approval. We finally care more about what we think about ourselves than what you think of us.
The story has not changed. Men have always liked the chase more than the actual prize. Women figured this out a long time ago. This is why I was a virgin until I was in college. You’ve always wanted the good girl who plays hard to get but is a complete freak in private. But you don’t want to believe that she has ever been with anyone else, ever. So, we’ve let you believe what you wanted.
“Then you have drugs, uppers being predominant, and many women are addicted to prescription pills to help their “anxiety.” In short, women have become easy, but they have also become broken — and eventually become undesirable because no one stays hot forever. Sure, we men are to blame for this as well, but that is because we are idiots.” Well, you got one thing right.
Mr. Waters, I don’t think that you would know a unicorn if it bit you in the ass. All women are born unicorns. If they are broken, it is life, full of it’s double standards,painful situations and callous men who treat women like whores that have broken them.
The problem Mr. Waters is not with the unicorns, it is with assholes like you who put women into categories; whores and virgins. We are more than what resides between our legs. Maybe you need to become a unicorn yourself if you want to attract a unicorn because unicorns don’t want to marry assholes; we prefer unicorns too.
Sincerely,
A Unicorn
2013/11/07
Operation Man Cave
The Big Guy is the sole male in our house, unless you count the Guinea Pig, Ted Koppel, but we don’t. My husband has learned to love pink and embrace all things fluffy and sweet; well, mostly. He is still a man after all and he is trying really hard to carve out a little space in our home that is just his; untouched by the hue of pink or the sweet smell of femininity. He’s insisted in turning our back office into a man cave; his very own den of masculine iniquity.
Though I don’t know how much actual impropriety is taking place in the back room of our house, I think it’s mostly smoking cigars or vaping e-liquid australia, playing video games and drinking good scotch on the rocks. He enjoys it, when he has a few free moments, which are few and far between. I think it takes him back to his carefree days of college; before kids, mortgages, car payments and obligations. Sort of the way driving alone with the radio turned all the way up singing explicit lyrics does for me these days. So, I want his man cave/ bar room to be everything he wants it to be; his own little personal utopia.
He wants it to be a replica of Harry’s Chocolate Shop, the college bar where we met. I am going under the assumption that it’s because he holds a special place in his heart for the place that started it all but it’s probably truer that he fondly associates it with carefree nights of drinking with his housemates and all those warm fuzzy feelings that come from remembering your youth.
His bar room is nearly completely done. It looks like a micro-version of his favorite pub barring one small detail, etched into the mirror above the bar are not the words Harry’s Chocolate Shop. I really want him to have the full effect. It’s the little things that mean so much when creating a space like this so we need the Harry’s Chocolate Shop etched on the mirror. Or do we?
I was recently approached by a company, Signazon, that specializes in professional printing like lettering, decals and stickers; as marketing for businesses and a light bulb went off, order the Big Guy a decal for the mirror that looks like etched glass. Brilliant; problem solved! Never in a million years would I have thought that a random email would allow me to completely finish off the Big Guy’s little piece of man heaven.
I plan on ordering that decal for the mirror and I have a feeling that operation man cave will be complete . I’ll keep you posted when it’s all done.

Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post written by me for Signazon. All opinions expressed are my own.
2013/10/18
Is Your Religion Making You Stupid?
I’ve been doing a lot of praying over the past week and I have asked for your prayers and positive thoughts. Those prayers meant everything to me because I have a faith in God and I believe in the power of prayer. It gives me hope when otherwise, I would have none. It sustains me when otherwise I would give up. That means everything to me. So this morning while I was perusing Facebook and I came across an article shared by one of my friends titled Atheists ‘have higher IQs’: Their intelligence ‘makes them more likely to dismiss religion as irrational and unscientific’ it bothered me. I read the article and it argues …
“Atheists tend to be more intelligent than religious people, according to a US study. Researchers found that those with high IQs had greater self-control and were able to do more for themselves – so did not need the benefits that religion provides.
They also have better self-esteem and built more supportive relationships, the study authors said.
The conclusions were the result of a review of 63 scientific studies about religion and intelligence dating between 1928 and last year. In 53 of these there was a ‘reliable negative relation between intelligence and religiosity’. In just 10 was that relationship positive.
They defined intelligence as the ‘ability to reason, plan, solve problems, think abstractly, comprehend complex ideas, learn quickly, and learn from experience’.
In their conclusions, they said: ‘Most extant explanations (of a negative relation) share one central theme – the premise that religious beliefs are irrational, not anchored in science, not testable and, therefore, unappealing to intelligent people who ‘know better’.
‘Intelligent people typically spend more time in school – a form of self-regulation that may yield long-term benefits.
‘More intelligent people getting higher level jobs and better employment and higher salary may lead to higher self-esteem, and encourage personal control beliefs.’
Okay, so all of that being said, I am calling bullshit. I am religious and I am also intelligent. I don’t think that the two are mutually exclusive. And yes, I have proof that I am intelligent. I have graduate degrees and credible IQ scores. I have even taken theology courses on various religions but still, I believe in a God and my faith remains. This is why there is no conflict for me. At the core of my belief is that God created the universe and from there evolution happened. Time passed; people, the world and the universe have changed.
My faith was instilled when I was a small child. Yes, blind faith. I absorbed it all in and took it to my heart and gave myself over to it. I needed to believe there was something more. I’ve experienced hardships and I needed to believe in a savior if not, what was the point? Above all else, I believe that there is a God and through God, all things are possible. I see miracles every single day of my life and maybe they are all explainable by science but they are miracles to me nonetheless. Science and medicine are miracles to me. A baby being born is a miracle. Honest, raw, enduring, authentic, unconditional love is a damn miracle. The kindness of strangers is a miracle. All that being said, I know that man is only a man and I am cautiously skeptical of just about everyone.
Do I dismiss scientific facts? Not, at all. Do I dislike or judge atheists or people who are not of my own religion? No, because I also believe in choice and tolerance and everyone has their own choice to make. We live with our own choices so why should anyone else judge us? I judge people on how they behave and move through the world not by their labels. Many of my dearest friends and favorite people are Jewish, Hindi, Buddhists and every other religion and some of my friend’s don’t believe in God at all. Are they more or less intelligent than me? The answer is yes and yes because I don’t think your religious preference makes you intelligent or ignorant, your brain and nurturing do. How you act and behave with those beliefs is what determines that. Do I try to push my beliefs on anyone else? Never, because it’s a very personal. decision. Do I believe they will be damned or cast out of some afterlife utopia? No. I believe that God is tolerant and loving and I’m not dead so I have no proof about what happens after we die. Maybe we do just all go to the ground. Maybe we recycle and keep coming back until we get it right. Either way, I want to be kind to people. I want to live like every day is my last and I want them all to count, here on earth.
My faith in God is what gives me my faith in me. Through God all things are possible and through hard work and determination all things are possible for me. My faith is anchored in the belief that good people deserve good things. I know that life is not fair. I have experienced it first hand and I have questioned my faith. Believe me! But in the end, my faith is nourishment for my starving soul. My faith grants me serenity in this chaotic world of unpredictability.
My faith is based in my belief that doing the right thing is always right even if the other person chooses to reciprocate by doing the wrong thing to me, that is on them. I am only responsible for my actions and only accountable to my own conscience which maybe, that is what God really is, my moral compass. But when my fears and burdens are too great, faith allows me to hand them off to a higher place; to leave them on a shelf because worrying helps nothing. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t work to fix my issues first myself. I believe in modern medicine, working hard and doing good in the world. I believe in people. I trust in humanity. God helps those who help themselves.
I don’t expect to sit on my ass and hope for something/ someone to magically take care of me. For me, faith is hope. It is being able to have faith that good can come of even the worst of humanity. Having hope that when life looks dim and worthless, it can turn around. It helps me to see the good in people. How can that be bad or make me unintelligent? Naïve, maybe but I can’t believe that putting my faith in the good in people or the world is wrong.
Isn’t an atheist judging me to be ignorant because of my faith equally as offensive as a Christian judging an atheist to be the same for his lack there of?
2013/10/09