Category:

Marriage and Relationships

ky liquibeads, couple in bed, marital relations

I am a member of collective bias and this shop has been compensated by #CollectiveBias, Inc. and it’s advertiser. All thoughts and opinions are mine alone.

Warning: This is a PG-13 post in which I discuss marital relations between consulting adults but if you are easily offended by discussing adult themed topics, you are welcome to stop reading.

What do you get for that special man in your life who has everything this Christmas? There is one thing that I know the Big Guy (and every guy for that matter) always likes…you know what I’m talking about, the freedom to be spontaneous like before you became parents. A little unprovoked, unsolicited, uninterrupted (ahem) personal “attention” and he can’t buy that (well, he can but he really shouldn’t.) Since I don’t own a time machine, nor are my beloved kids refundable, I’m asking Grandma to keep the kids overnight, adding a little personal lubricant ( come on ladies, you all know what I mean, sometimes we need a little jumpstart) and letting the good times roll. Merry Christmas, baby!

The Big Guy and I have been married forever for 15 years. When we first got married, romance was easy. We were in our 20’s so attraction and having relations didn’t take any effort at all. We were breathing and we were always ready. It didn’t hurt that we were both pretty hot. We were spontaneous because we had the leisure of time, privacy and youth. There was no stress, laundry or tiny people crawling on us and promptly spitting up on one or both of us. FYI, spit up.is.not.attractive.Not even on Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp. These days, we are simply spontaneous challenged.

We’re 40ish. We have kids who are just old enough to be nosier than they should be. I have insomnia. He gets up for work at 4:30 a.m. and every night is a game of musical beds, thanks to recovering co-sleepers who still think they lay claim to our bed. Sometimes we’re just too damn tired. Yes, it happens!

Don’t feel sorry for us yet. Thanks to a couple afternoons of working from home, we manage some “us” time but I miss making out on the couch (with no one under 5 foot asking, “What cha doin?”), and being able to be spontaneously whisked off to bed/floor/kitchen countertops or finish what we started because kids arguing over Barbie dolls in the next room causes everything south to go dry like the Sahara. Honestly, why does no one tell you that children are female erection killers?

Speaking of which, last week, for 48 hours straight, on 3 occasions, the Big Guy and I were trying to “have relations” when the 7-year-old burst into the room or beat at the door. It’s like she’s my mom and she has radar whenever I might be trying to do the deed. I’m a teenager all over again, except this time I’ve got a mortgage and gray hair and I’m trying not to get busted by a person who sometimes still needs me to cut up her food. Thank God for bathrooms with locks.

So forget waiting for the perfect time, I’m sick of trying to fit “couple time” in between the minute they go to sleep and the surprise hour that they have to pee/get water/ or remember they had homework. Mama needs some adult time with the Big Guy.

ky liquibeads, couple in bed, marital relations

This Saturday, I’m giving us an early Christmas present, a child-free night where we can just be Debi and the Big Guy (not mommy and daddy) and maybe channel those two college students who met 17 years ago. I’ve enlisted grandma to keep the girls overnight, made a trip to Target and bought some K-Y® LIQUIBEADS® (to make sure everything down below is ready to go at a moments notice), made reservations for dinner at a place that doesn’t serve chicken nuggets and can’t wait to see where the night leads.

ky liquibeads, couple in bed, marital relations

I’ve heard good things about the K-Y® LIQUIBEADS® and they seem easy to use.

  • Simply place the OVULE insert firmly into the top of the applicator so it will not fall out.
  • Hold the applicator containing the OVULE insert by the opposite end from where the OVULE insert is located.
  • Gently insert the applicator into the vagina as far as it will go comfortably.This can be done while standing with your feet comfortably apart and knees bent.
  • Push the plunger all the way in to place th OVULE insert as far back in the vagina as possible.
  • Throw away applicator after use.
  • Insert a bead once every few days so that your body is ready whenever the mood may strike.

ky liquibeads, couple in bed, marital relations

I know sometimes when you are pregnant, you really want to be “spontaneous” often, especially with all those “romantic” dreams but if you’re pregnant or nursing, consult a doctor before using.

 

Coupon available coupon available at coupons.com $1 off any K-Y® product –

 

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marriage, separate beds, sleeping apart, MAD Life, CafeMom

Do you and your spouse sleep in the same bed every night or do you enjoy sleeping apart? We don’t. In fact, most nights we don’t. Is getting sleep that important? Hell yeah, says the insomniac who works late nights and has two young children. Sleep is the best thing ever, except for Ambien sex. Ambien sex trumps everything. Especially Ambien sex with your husband. But I digress…

The Big Guy gets up for work every day at 4:30 a.m. I am a night owl, a constant insomniac if we are being truthful, so bedtime for me is normally between midnight and 2 a.m. Add to that the fact that I snore during allergy season and our littlest one always seems to end up in our bed and we’ve just conceded to the fact that Monday thru Thursday night, the Big Guy sleeps in the guest room.

At first, I kind of loved it. I’m sure he did too. I had the king-sized bed all to myself. I could stay up as late as I wanted, watching television and working. It was awesome. Then, when it was all said and done, I could sprawl out (until my little one found her way to my room) all across the bed. It was awesome. Well, for a little while anyways.

Have we become complacent? Some times, I feel like we are some old married couple like Ethel and Fred Mertz. You know the cantankerous old couple from the building that slept in separate beds and could barely stand one another? But hey, Lucy and Ricky slept in separate beds too and they were madly in love. So what does sleeping in separate beds really mean? We love one another but we’re so comfortable sleeping in our own beds and actually SLEEPING that we just do. Problem is… I miss my husband. I do. I miss turning over in the middle of the night, reaching out and just knowing he is there.

marriage, separate beds, sleeping apart, MAD Life, CafeMom

 

Do you think sleeping apart is indicative of depleting intimacy?

Sure, we’re still intimate (maybe not as often as we might be if we actually slept in the same bed but maybe more so) and our marriage is still rock solid BUT are we on borrowed time? I mean is it all going to go south one day? Are we growing apart and don’t even realize it? Is sleeping in separate beds leaving just enough room between us for someone else to insert themselves? These are all valid concerns, right? Is a good night’s sleep really worth risking your marriage?

Am I fooling myself by thinking that our marriage is strong enough to survive long distance intimacy? We survived 2 years of commuter marriage and that is probably where this all started but am I insane to think that a couple can sleep in separate beds but still be connected intimately?

I think just because you sleep in separate beds doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve lost that “loving feeling” at all.  The Big Guy works from home 2 days a week and those are our “afternoon delight days” and we do sleep in our bed together on weekends, so I’d say our sex life is pretty healthy. In fact, him being in the other room adds a little sauce to the mix. It keeps me on my toes to receive random snapchat pics and sexts from across the hall. Believe me, I will gladly turn off any television show for a romp with the Big Guy any day of the week.

The only thing that suffers is that some times, I  just want to be able to reach over and cuddle ( I sound like such a girl right now) not often because I am not really a cuddler during night time hours. I prefer to cuddle on the couch while watching a movie. I enjoy the spontaneity and flirtation that not knowing if we will be sleeping in the same bed has afforded us. It’s taken the restrictions off of sex. Sex is no longer confined to our bedroom and intimacy is not just sex. It’s talking, texting, emailing. It’s a brush of his hand on mine. It’s like dating after 15 years of marriage. So, maybe this sleeping apart is good for a marriage….or maybe we’re considering buying a queen sized bed to replace our king sized one?

I’m not sure what we will do but I do know that when I want him in my bed, all I need to do is tell him and vice versa.

For topics like this and many more on parenting, relationships and just about anything else under the sun facing today’s parents, check out Mad Life at CafeMom.

What do you think of sleeping apart from your partner?

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relationship advice, married sex, children and marriage, sex, marriage

You ever wonder if their are things that turn men off that we might think are sexy? You’ve heard the old saying that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, right? We obviously speak a different language and process things differently. Does it have anything to do with having an innie or an outtie? I don’t know but I do know that what we think is sexy and what our man thinks is sexy may be two totally different things.

I’ve never thought about what turns men off. I guess, as women, we are lucky that way. Men usually pursue us so we don’t have to work as hard for it. But maybe we should. Maybe we should care enough to actually try to figure out what our men like or don’t like in bed. I think before I got married and had babies, I really tried. I wore all the skimpy lingerie, tried all the new things and was always up for anything. Then I had children and well, keeping little people alive and being covered in bodily fluids has a weird way of making women feel super unsexy. Gradually, I just sort of stopped trying as hard.I won’t lie. I am exhausted 99% of the time.

For instance, I know we’ve all been guilty of wearing something super comfy but totally unsexy to bed. I once had these pajama shorts that were SOOOOOO comfortable but not very sexy. Not even cute. One day my husband outright asked me, “Honey, can you PLEASE  just throw them away?”

After I was done crying, I threw them away. I guess I could have kept them and used them as erection kryptonite but instead I threw them away because I don’t want to purposely turn my husband off. I want to be the woman who still turns him on. I need to put some effort into proactively making him feel wanted. I don’t think any of us want to make our partner feel unwanted, right?

Aside from my erection killing sleep shorts, here are a few other things that might be putting a damper on your sex life. No fear, we can fix them.

Coyness

Sure, a shy woman is a challenge and most men like a a demure flower so they can feel like they earned it but men also like to feel like the woman they are with actually enjoys sex and wants to be there. Own your sexuality. No more quietly lying there like dead weight or trying to hide beneath the cloak of darkness. That’s not doing either of you any favors. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. He wants you. He’s naked in your bed. You are the prize. Now, start acting like it. Throw those shoulders back, push that ass out and work what your mama gave you. He will love it. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be happy with who you are.

Teeth touching his manhood

Repeat after me, raking is bad! Hate to break it to you but teeth on sensitive private parts equals turn off, even if you are gentle. I know sometimes biting is fun and sexy. Biting his lip, his neck, his chest or even is ass are definite turn ons but when you get to his member, be gentle. You wouldn’t want him to find your clitoris only to bite it, would you?

Grabbing too hard

Sure men like to have their testicles touched, cupped and kissed. You can gently suck and even lick but testicles are not detachable. Never yank on them. It hurts. Just think of what it feels like when a guy twists your nipples. Hello! Tuning in Tokyo is so 1980. Word to the wise, be gentle unless otherwise specifically requested.

Inserting things without warning

Wow! This one could get us all hurt. Many men like their prostate massaged. It really is a turn on for most men but just like you don’t like surprise anal sex neither does your man. If he’s not expecting it, he might clench up and it could really hurt ( both of you). Never just randomly insert something into his anus whether it be a finger, a fist or a plug. There has to be a discussion, some lube, a warning and maybe a safe word. No matter how much you might dream about it, we are not all living in Christian Grey’s world. There are somethings that you just can’t spring on a partner during the act.

Licking it like it’s a lollipop

There is no denying that men love blow jobs. But licking anything like a lollipop can cause serious catastrophic chapping to the manhood. A chapped penis will not be a useful one. It may put your guy out of sexual commission for a week and ladies, they do not sell Carmex for your penis.

Continuing past the sensitivity

OK, I think we might all be guilty of this. If your man has already maxed out in pleasure and you continue to “pleasure”him after he tells you to stop, it’s actually painful. I know we think it’s more of a good thing but it’s actually too much of a good thing. Unless you want to get smacked across the head, I suggest you that you slowly back away from his manhood and no one will get hurt.

Talking too nasty

Men like women who talk dirty but not too nasty. For instance, “oh baby, I’ve been a bad girl.Spank me” = good. “Oh baby,pull my tampon out with your teeth!” = bad. Your nasty mouth may turn him completely off, luckily if you know what you’re doing with your mouth you can turn that frown upside down in 5 seconds flat.

Not trying new things

Sure there might be a couple things that you are really good at and hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it but sex is supposed to be a fun adventure for two, or three if that’s what you’re into, but if you do the same thing, in the same place over and over again, it gets boring for him and for you. I’m sure your man appreciates your professional grade strip teases or your perfected BJs but sometimes throw in an afternoon delight reverse cowboy and blow his mind. Spice it up. You have to try everything at least twice and then you can decide whether or not you like it and that applies to all areas of life. If your partner suggests some new positions, or role playing or just a new twist on an old favorite, try it you might like it.

Ladies, don’t feel bad, I have a list for the men too. I will publish that next week because there are things that they think are sexy and are totally turning us off too. But today, ladies, what’s your best, no -fail tip of how to turn your man on?

Men, what things that turn men off do we women do because we think it’s sexy?

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purple purse, Allstate, #PerfectPurse, domestic violence, domestic abuse

Domestic violence doesn’t care who you are or used to be. It doesn’t care if you are popular or appear to have the perfect life.

In fact, you probably know someone whose been a victim of domestic violence or abuse. I have been compensated to be a part of the #PurplePurse campaign in collaboration with Allstate Foundation® and Latina Bloggers Connect but all thoughts, opinions and stories are my own.

Ray Rice was not released from the Ravens when the Baltimore Ravens saw the video of him abusing his then fiancé, Janay Palmer, he was released from his contract when WE saw the video of Ray Rice knocking, his now wife, Janay Palmer unconscious in an elevator. This is the abuse culture. No one sees anything until it affects them. No one condones it but no one wants to be in the middle of a domestic dispute either.  I don’t know what made Janay Palmer stay with Ray Rice after he knocked her out cold but I’m also not in the middle of an abusive relationship and it’s pretty easy to pass judgment safely from atop my pedestal. It’s not so easy to leave when you are the victim of domestic violence.

When I was a child, I saw my own mother live through domestic violence. I saw what it did to her. It made her feel small and weak. She was told so many times that she was worthless and knocked back so many times when she tried to stand up for herself, for all of us, that eventually she was broken and tired.

Many nights, I spent lying in bed holding my little brother while we heard the noises from the other room. Doors opening. Doors shutting. Stumbling. Shouting. Screaming. Begging. Crying. Whimpering. Finally, stifling fear. She was tiny, meek and worn down from the weight of the world resting on her shoulders. She did nothing wrong.

She never allowed herself to fully cry, scream or shout. She had to push it all down and swallow it; hating every single moment of it. Losing herself. Losing any sense of respect, confidence or dignity she had. Knowing that her children heard and saw. Wondering if they felt differently about her.

I remember lying in my bed feeling helpless and then so angry. I wanted to keep my mother safe, but I couldn’t because I was just a small child. She would have never allowed it. She shielded us for as long as she could.

The summer I turned 10, I couldn’t stand idly by anymore. I wrote a letter to my uncle and begged him to come and get us. They arrived and I felt that I had found our Salvation. Finally, we could escape his tyranny of fear. Only, she refused to leave. Her reasoning was that she had no place to go with 5 children. She had no job, no money and nothing of her own. She knew he would come and then it would be worse so she sent her brothers home. I was crushed.

I didn’t understand. I felt that she had failed me. I felt that she was weak but I now know that she was strong. Stronger than I could ever be because staying with him was a sacrifice she made for her children. I would have rather have starved than stayed there. But it was not my choice. I was just a child.

Domestic violence affects 1 in 4 women in her lifetime; that’s more women than breast cancer, ovarian cancer and lung cancer combined. It was easy for me to tell my mom to leave. I thought like a child. I had no responsibilities. I knew nothing of the world, finances and children. I couldn’t comprehend how trapped a woman can be by finances. My mother was a stay-at-home mom, she quit working to be home with us. My father controlled all the finances. She was given money for food and to pay the bills and that was it. She didn’t have access to the checkbook. She had nothing of her own. She was completely financially dependent on him. She was held captive to her situation because she didn’t have the means to leave with five children and refused to leave us behind. My mom is my hero and one of the strongest women I know.

Since 2005, The Allstate Foundation has invested more than $40 million across the country to help domestic violence survivors regain control of their finances and break free from abuse. The Allstate Foundation is investing more than half a million dollars in the Purple Purse Challenge. The more donations each nonprofit gets, the more it can compete for Allstate Foundation incentive funding. Go to PurplePurse.com between Sept. 2 and Oct. 3 to join the Challenge and help a nonprofit near you.

PurplePurse.com has important tips and tools to help you recognize domestic violence and financial abuse, talk about it and end it. So next time you wonder, why does she stay with him? Why doesn’t she leave him? Consider that maybe she is in a financial prison and can’t, no matter how desperate she is to do so.

If you or someone you know needs immediate help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

 

 

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cystex, burning love, UTI, honeymoon mishaps

 

cystex, burning love, UTI, honeymoon mishaps, honeymoon

Happiness is….

Remember your honeymoon?

My wedding and honeymoon were 15 years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday. I’ve been helping my baby sister plan her wedding and I won’t lie it’s been taking me back to my own wedding and honeymoon. Weddings and honeymoons are all about new beginnings and starting your life and for us, a new beginning couldn’t have happened without a series of unfortunate events preceding it. Into every life a little rain must fall, of course, for me it was more like a monsoon wedding. It’s funny how when you look back you only ever remember the good parts of your wedding day.

Our mishaps began the night before the wedding; it started with a rehearsal dinner that ended up at a local club, which ended with a giant blowout between a couple in our wedding. Long story short, I spent the entire night before my wedding driving my bridesmaid around the city looking for her husband, a groomsman.

I got home around 5 am. My alarm for the biggest day of my life went off at 8 am; I woke in a hurried rush, grabbed my baby sister and the luggage under my eyes and barely made it across town to my 8:30 a.m. hair and nail appointment. Then the day just got crazier; lost bridesmaids, missing flower girl, a dad who wouldn’t take off his sunglasses, exes at the church and a bride who hadn’t eaten in 3 days and was having a full on panic attack but through it all, one thing was for certain, I knew the Big Guy was waiting for me at the end of that aisle and I couldn’t wait to be there…with him.

cystex, burning love, UTI, honeymoon mishaps,honeymoon

Father wears sunglasses in church because he’s too cool to cry in public.

At one point at the rectory, when I should have been sipping on champagne and being fawned over, I instead was struggling to find my way into my huge Cinderella-esqe dress on my own and had a mom on each butt cheek fastening my garters to my thigh highs. Talk about getting close with your mother-in-law. That was a bond sealing moment to say the very least.

Finally, I made it down the aisle but not before my ring bearer had a complete meltdown and wouldn’t walk down the aisle. 3-year-olds, what are you going to do? At that point, I was so nervous that I jumped the gun and nearly ran down the aisle into the Big Guy’s arms before my music even started playing. Just an FYI, if you ever find yourself in that situation, the organist, flutist, violinist and musician will all change their tune (quite literally) to keep up with the bride. I am sure it was amusing as an attendee.

cystex, burning love, UTI, honeymoon mishaps, honeymoon

3-year-olds are the best!

Once down the aisle, not once but three times did I almost take out the priest and entire front row of the church with my enormous gown. Think, Godzilla with a 10-foot train, in a China shop made of delicate Catholic souls. Thankfully, the presiding priest had a very in tact sense of humor and offered at one point to shear off the back of the dress to prevent any harm being done to women and small children. Thankfully, no one was hurt in the making of this wedding or honeymoon.

cystex, burning love, UTI, honeymoon mishaps

The groom looks debonair. The bride looks like maybe she needs to go peepee.

Of course, a bride who hasn’t eaten in 3 days, had a near miss with a panic attack and ran down the aisle as if she were Cinderella about to turn back into a pumpkin probably should not have been given celebratory cocktails. From what I remember of the evening, there was a trolley ride for the entire bridal party that included alcohol on an empty stomach, then there was an arrival to Star Wars Music (it was my one compromise) and then a bouquet thrown before anyone had a chance to take a photo (waiting is not my strong suit) and the combining of champagne glasses. Let no man put asunder what a bride has combined into champagne flutes.

cystex, burning love, UTI, honeymoon mishaps

No sleep, no problem. Bride takes quick nap on way to reception.

 

I vaguely remember it taking 4 bridesmaids to assist me in the peeing process ( 2 to hold each side of my ball gown wedding dress, one to hold my hands and balance me as I hovered over the toilet and one to pull my panties down and dab) and something about a 10 foot train that kept coming unbustled. Boy, do I have some good friends. Then it gets blurry.

cystex, burning love, UTI, honeymoon mishaps

Wind blown, no food and keeping it classy with a can of beer. Ain’t love grand?

Next thing I remember was leaving our reception to find our SUV saran wrapped covered in condoms, rice and Vaseline. We were in our early 20’s and apparently our friends were infantile. We had to cut our way in and then make a quick stop at a car wash before heading to our honeymoon suite at the hotel downtown. I remember doing the peepee dance in my stark white wedding dress, in front of our SUV and it’s fuzzy but it seems there was some hanging on to the bumper and trying to balance myself enough to pee while my brand spanking new husband help up 50 pounds of satin and tulle. Champagne goes right through you.

Next stop, the fancy downtown hotel. By this time, I am barefoot and running around the hotel lobby in search of a restroom large enough to accommodate my dress looking and behaving anything but fancy. My bridegroom rushed to check in before I ended up on the evening news.

cystex, burning love, UTI, honeymoon mishaps

Bustle broken, bride busted; time to hit the potty! NOT 1987…1999 & we partied like it was. I was scaring small children with this monstrosity of a dress.

We got up to the honeymoon suite to find more champagne and a basket full of wedding night sexiness but all I could do was the peepee dance and order my husband to get me out of the dress as quickly as possible so that I could pee in peace. Finally, I got to pee and then I promptly passed out leaving my husband to drink champagne and feed himself chocolate covered strawberries.

The next morning, I awoke to discover my wedding dress and trousseau on the floor and my overnight bag and shoes curiously missing apparently in the hurry and chaos, no one remembered to pack MY (the bride) overnight bag. There was no way that I was putting that dress back on, so I wore my husband’s (who is 6’5″ while I am a mere 5’7″) tuxedo back to my in laws house where we were opening gifts in front of friends and family before departing on our official honeymoon. I looked like the kid in Big when he changed back to a kid. It was embarrassing and ridiculous but that night we had a honeymoon reboot and it’s been awesome ever since. The rest of the honeymoon and the marriage have been easy compared to the wedding.

I guess it could have been worse; I could have gotten a UTI on our honeymoon. Yikes, that would really put a damper on romance; not exactly the type of “burning love” that I was looking forward to on my honeymoon! We know that having a lot of sex in a short period of time without letting your body recoup can cause irritation, which in turn can make it easier for you to get a UTI. Also, certain positions such as woman on top cowboy or reverse cowboy can increase the risk of contracting a UTI. Isn’t lots of sex in various positions in a short period of time the exact definition of a honeymoon?

Luckily, there is Cystex PLUS Urinary Pain Relief Tablets, an OTC UTI medication with an antibacterial agent that helps to contain the progression of infection, as well as help reduce the pain and burning sensation with an analgesic while you wait to see your physician. For recurrent UTIsCystex Liquid Cranberry Complex is a great-tasting, drug-free, daily supplement that is clinically proven to promote urinary health with its convenient Proantinox cranberry formula containing vitamin C!

Enter the Cystex® Romantic Night In Giveaway hosted on www.facebook.com/Cystex for three winners to have a chance to win a gourmet dinner for two delivered to your door with a gift certificate from GourmetStation.com, a $150 gift card to Victoria Secret to create more honeymoon moments and a box of Cystex® PLUS Urinary Pain Relief Tablets and Cystex® Liquid Cranberry Complex. Entry period for the Cystex® Romantic Night In Giveaway will occur from 7/24/2014-8/21/2014.

cystex, burning love, UTI, honeymoon mishaps

For more information about Cystex® and to learn more about burning love visit www.cystex.com

cystex, burning love, UTI, honeymoon mishaps

This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Cystex®. The opinions and text are all mine.

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#YesAllWomen, marriage, misogyny, abuse, The Washington Post, women's issues

Oh look, the Washington Post thinks that for women to protect themselves from being victims of violence and rape we should all get married or live with our biological fathers because hey, if we’d all just stop being such cock-teasing whores for one minute and stopped taking lovers and made honest women of ourselves, we’d never have to worry about feeling threatened and “uncomfortable” and all of this #YesAllWomen business could just go away. Coincidentally, once again placing blame on the women for being abused. I mean come on, if the b*tch wasn’t drunk and half-naked, the least she could have done was gotten married and stopped trying to be such an independent woman. That’s how she got herself abused and if she hasn’t gotten herself abused, the dumb broad probably got her kids abused because she decided to date again after leaving the crack-headed, wife beating, meth head she was married to.

It was written by two academics by the names of W. Bradford Wilcox and Robin Fretwell Wilson, whose names aren’t the only thing out of the 19th century: the article looks at a bunch of statistics in regard to violence against women and children, and concludes that “the data show that #yesallwomen would be safer hitched to their baby daddies.” 

Basically, once again, the world (more precisely the Washington Post) has lumped us all into 2 categories; whores and virgins and there is no room for gray, only black and white. The bottom line is that the Washington Post has at least two misogynistic writers who blame all women for being treated like second class citizens. Hell, maybe there’s even a secret woman haters club at the Washington Post that meets once a week and is lobbying for the acceptance of drowning baby girls because really, what the hell’s the point? Because apparently, some people think that men can procreate without women and our pesky uteri. Apart from cooking and cleaning in all of our bare footed glory, women serve no real purpose in the world other than to look pretty and be quiet, right? News flash, women are people too.

Yes, misogyny is alive and well at the Washington Post.

Men are allowed to do as they will and women are supposed to suck it up and just accept their fate. I mean WHY would any woman think that she has the right to happiness after divorce or at all, for that matter? It doesn’t matter whether the man was an abusive jerk who beat her on the regular and had started molesting their children, she is his property and she needs to just accept that and be alone and in fear for the rest of her life. If not, it’s going to be her fault when something bad happens and it will because women are like magnets for bad shit to happen so prepare your daughters.

#YesAllWomen, marriage, misogyny, abuse, The Washington Post, women's issues

Eff it, happiness is overrated anyways plus I hear only men can truly experience happiness, it has something to do with the happiness receptors being located right under the tip of their penis or wait, maybe it has something to do with being an asshole. I can’t remember. What do you expect, I was just some kid whose mother stayed with her husband and I was raised by my biological father but we all still got to experience our fair share of abuse. I guess we were just lucky.

When I was about 8, I begged my mom to leave because even at that young age, I knew that it was wrong. I knew that there had to be something more out there than just accepting your situation. I KNEW that she deserved better. That we all deserved better. But none of us got it. We all got to suffer in silence. Do I think that my life is better because of her sacrifice? NO! Do I think she is happier because of her sacrifice? NO! Did it save her from abuse, pain and humiliation? NO! This is the oldest story in the book. This is fear-mongering and it is about time we stop letting fear keep us quiet. It’s time to get mad; downright pissed off and to stand up against the misogynistic world we live in It all starts with one person willing to say no; to be the change. I’m saying no for all the women who couldn’t or haven’t. NO!

#YesAllWomen, marriage, misogyny, abuse, The Washington Post, women's issues, child abuse

Maybe life would have been better had my mom not been brainwashed into staying in her abusive marriage by a society that taught her that it was better to be miserable and have a husband, better to be abused and let your children get abused than to be alone. Thank God for a society who looks out so deeply for its women folk. No thanks, I’ll take my chances and try to decide for myself what’s best for me and my children. Unless you are living in the same dire situation that some women face every day by being abused and raped by their partners, you have no right to insist that she take it on the chin and just accept it.

Hey Washington Post until you’ve lived in the world with a vagina, why not stop skewing statistics to fit your agenda?

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Alpha Women, divorce, marriage, strong women, money, finances

Do you think as Alpha Women are taking back their “bossy” and leaning in so hard that maybe we are forcing men out?

Are Alpha Women responsible for causing so many failed marriages and entitled kids who are products of these divorces? FOX news thinks so. Wait a minute…FOX news doesn’t think, they just speak.

I recently watched this video segment on FOX news and was flabbergasted. I was sure that someone had posted an Onion piece posing as a FOX “news” piece but then again, what comes out of FOX news channel these days shouldn’t surprise me. They are the conservative news outlet and apparently, they don’t so much report the news as bend it to their will to support their conservative agenda. Or maybe it was an Onion piece? I kinda hope it is.

Apparently, as we women “lean in”, men are forced to lean out to avoid being completely annihilated. Now that a whopping 24% of women make more money than their husbands, the conservative dogma is about to implode upon itself. (Women typically make 23% less than men, so obviously if these women are making 24% more than their husbands, they are having to work just about 150% harder for that.)

In this particular piece, it was stated that social pressures in the U.S. for men to be breadwinners are what may cause the marital problems. Obviously, the answer is for women to stop being so damn Alpha and let their men do what God intended, take care of women. Only there is one f*cking problem, men don’t always take care of women and secondly, not all women want to be at the mercy of some man to make her dreams come true.

Look, our whole lives, women have been told that in order to succeed in life we need to get married and have children, keep a clean house, cook well and look good while doing it all. We are not supposed to think or have free will if it interferes with the grand scheme of things. If what we want to do interferes with what he wants to do, we are expected o acquiesce because you know… the vagina thing. Just accept our fates already. We have vaginas, they make us weak so we need big, hairy men to take care of us. Huh?

In fact, let’s back up, what constitutes ALPHA WOMEN?

Is FOX News trying to insinuate that strong women are the problem? Are we suppose to teach our girls to bend to the will of men and take less than they deserve just to make the men in their lives feel better? Because I’ve got to tell you, that will never happen in my house. We teach our girls to do their best, work their hardest and go for whatever they want. We teach them that anything is possible. I’m raising Alpha Girls.

The question was raised, “Do women LIKE being taken care of?” Well, I have a two-part answer for that. First of all, what does taken care of mean? Financial security? Shelter? Food? Or emotional support and love?

My first answer is yes! Of course, every person (man and woman) loves to be taken care of in a way that they have a partner that reciprocates unconditional love and support. Do we all like having someone in our life that will carry us through when we are down or give us a hand when we have fallen? Of course, we do. Doesn’t everyone? Do we like being financially stable and being provided a beautiful home and things? Of course, that is human nature. But do I expect my husband to provide my everything? No. He is my partner and I am his. We get through this life together. If being “taken care of” means my husband going to work every day while I stay home and work my tail off and that equals him getting to do whatever he wants while I get to be subservient, then no thank you. We take care of each other over here.

No one is leaning over crushing the other under his or her weight. Sure there are sometimes when he is the star and I let him shine and there are other times when I am leaning in so hard, he picks up all the slack. This is not him doing me a favor or me letting go of my dreams to support his. We do this for one another. No, marriage is not 100% equal all of the time. You are a fool if you think it is. But in the grand scheme of things, if you add up our years together and divide them by when ones been the star and the other has been the wind beneath the wings; it’s just about even.

I don’t make anywhere near as much as my husband does these days but when we were first out of college, I was the only one working while he interviewed for months. We lived together. There was no animosity. I worked while he looked for a job. Every night we sat down together for dinner, both of us had worked all day; one at a place of business the other at home. I appreciated everything he did for our home. I respected him for being a participant in our marriage and supporting me emotionally during that time in our life.

Once we had children, we made the decision that I would stay home. To be honest, I made the decision and he completely supported me. Since he had been home, he knew what had to be done to keep a home running. Once we had the children, he knew I was at home raising our babies. He knew all the other stuff I was doing as well and he supported me. We moved several times throughout our marriage for his dreams and now, he supports me in pursuing mine. When I go to conferences or on press trips, he is able to be flexible at his place of employment. He’ll work from home when I travel. When I have deadlines, he makes dinner. He knows how to give the girls a ballet bun. He takes them to ballet on nights when I need to host a Twitter party or have a Google chat about business.

In our home there are no master and servant roles, there are only 2 people who have loved and supported one another for the past 16 years. There are no man’s work or woman’s work, there are only things that need to get done and we do it…together. The idea that a man would divorce a committed, loving wife for making more money then him I ludicrous and only proves how stupid it is to let male pride and machismo get in the way of happiness.

In truth, the Big Guy says if I ever make enough money to be the sole breadwinner, he’d be more than happy to stay home with the girls and consult for a living. He gets pretty excited at the dream of an early retirement.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that finances most certainly can contribute to the divorce rate but that usually has more to do with a lack of money. Our philosophy has always been that as long as we have one another’s love and support and the true desire to be together, there are very few problems that we couldn’t work through. Next week, we celebrate 15 years of marriage so apparently, what we do has been working for us.

Alpha women, Alpha Men, Alpha Babies and Alpha Dogs, we love them all.

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Joe Pesci, Hangry, hunger marriage, relationships

Hangry, are you familiar with the term?

Hangry is when a person who is hungry becomes unreasonably angry. I call it my Joe Pecsi side. I can be the kindest person you’ll ever meet but when my blood sugar gets low, I get the shakes, I feel faint and I go from sweetie to full on bitch in a matter of seconds; like a rabid dog. I am short and my words are biting, no one is safe. As I get the cold sweats and perspiration beads upon my upper lip, all I can think, is Dear God, please let me get some carbs in me before I fall flat on my face or kill someone.

Hey, you, you walking at snail speed through the grocery store on Tuesday morning. I don’t care if you are 85-years-old (carrying a newborn in a carrier or have three broken legs), I’ve not eaten in 14 hours and if you don’t move your brittle boned (exhausted, non-sleep having, hoveraound driving) ass, I am going to start chewing on your elbow. Think Linda Blair in The Exorcist.

Enter doughnut. Enter compassion and patience and love. Hug a tree. Kiss a baby. Wipe an old person’s nose. Carry a spider outside. Smile at a stranger.

Excuse me, ma’am, can I get that for you. Here, I will help you. I love the elderly ( new moms, disabled). ** I am seriously not myself when I am hungry. I go from Mrs. Hyde to Dr. Hangry in a matter of minutes. It’s scary. Luckily, the cure is a piece of food. God, I must have been miserable to be around when I was anorexic. (That was a joke and I can make that one because I lived to tell about it.)

Well, a new study validates me. Low blood sugar makes couples more aggressive. 107 couples were asked to measure their blood sugar levels every morning and night for 21 days. Each night they were asked to stick up to 51 pins in a voodoo doll, depending on how angry they were at their spouse. The researchers compared this aggression level to the participants’ average glucose levels over the study period.
The results proved that study participants with lower nightly blood sugar levels were more aggressive and pinned the voodoo doll substantially more. These findings remained true even after researchers controlled the data for relationship satisfaction. See hangry is real and it’s dangerous.

Luckily for me, the Big Guy, never lets himself starve. He is the glue that keeps this marriage together because God knows when I go all Pesci, I get on my own damn nerves.

Joe Pesci, Hangry, hunger marriage, relationships

When I am hangry, I want to throat punch everyone including myself.

Everyone gets upset at their spouse on occasion, that’s normal. People have bad days and some times you just need your damn space or the kids are being assholes or your husband refuses to pick up his socks for 5 years but self-control and maturity prevents you from going all ape shit bananas on them and attacking. Hopefully, if your husband says something stupid your first instinct isn’t to bash his brains in with a bat. But self-control is a limited resource (don’t I know it?) and each time you use it, you have a little less. When self-control stops, aggression starts. You replenish your self-control with energy, from food. So when you are starving and you’ve already used up your daily allowance of self-control, hangry enters like a Tasmanian devil and wreaks havoc on everyone in it’s path. You wouldn’t like me when I am hungry. It’s ugly.

So next time you are thinking of juicing or starving yourself before a reunion or for bikini season, ask yourself this, are you feeling lucky? Because while nothing tastes as good as thin feels, nothing is worth dealing with a hangry person acting all Joe Pesci. Give that hangry person a piece of cake and tell them you prefer them just the way they are.

You’ve heard the song, If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, better make an ugly woman your wife? Well, it’s because it’s better to feed your beloved and have her be a little less attractive than to starve her into waif thin model shape and have her take an ice pick to you over a piece of toast. The moral of the story is never discuss politics, religion, finances or those 10 extra pounds you want to lose or his sock on the floor issue on an empty stomach or someone might get hurt.

Do you ever get hangry?

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Valentine's Day, Family, Love, Happy

Happy Valentine’s Day!

This isn’t my usual gushy Valentine’s Day post that I write about the Big Guy. We are celebrating tomorrow night thanks to a couple of awesome grandparents who are keeping the girls overnight. I’m sure there’s a gushy post coming but this is not it. Nope today, I have been crazy busy with volunteer work, Halloween parties and making 60 homemade Valentine’s Day cards for my daughters’ classmates because obviously, Pinterest has ruined my children but this is how my day started. Valentine's Day, love, Happy Which was the perfect way to start my day just because, he always knows the right thing to say. I Love this man so much. He loves me like no one else can. (**OK, that may have been a little bit gushy. Sorry, I can’t help it. I’ve been up to my eyeballs in hearts all day.) Then,over breakfast, the girls and I did a mass name signing to half made, homemade Valentine’s Day cards for their classes. We were under a time crunch for sure but I refused to let this steal my joy. We giggled and laughed through the whole hurried, chaotic ordeal. With only minutes to spare we loaded into the SUV and started our new morning ritual…listening to “Happy” by Pharrell from door to door. Yes, we dance all the way there. It’s impossible to be in a bad mood when listening to it. Seriously, it’s not possible, especially not when you see the two people you love most in the world , in the rearview mirror, off the hook car dancing and singing at the top of their lungs, “Because.I’m.Happy!!!

I dropped them off but had to come right back for 4 hours of volunteer work at the school. I was in desperate need of coffee, if I was going to keep up my new found “Happy” attitude. So I headed to Starbucks, courtesy of a surprise “Just because” gift card I received. Those are always awesome! I ordered my coffee. I was so excited for Starbucks because I have cut way back on my Starbucks consumption. I, honestly, don’t remember the last time I bought one. I get to the window to pay with my gift card in hand and the happiest barista I’ve ever met tells me to enjoy my Valentine’s Day because the woman in front of me paid for my coffee. I was so stunned by an actual random act of kindness, because I’ve never been the recipient end, that I forgot to pay for the person behind me but I will rectify that on my next visit. Valentine's Day, Love, Starbucks, coffee, pay it forward, love What is it about pay it forward Starbucks that makes it taste so damn good? YUMMMM!@ I went to school in such a great mood and did my volunteer work with a giant smile and a happy attitude. I was passing out compliments and smiles like they were condoms at a frat party. I was giving them to everybody I made eye contact with. Not even cutting out and addressing 60 handmade cards and running a class party on a skeleton crew.  Then this happened. Valentine's Day, Family, Love, HappyMy 3rd Grader repurposed one of her homemade Valentine’s Day cards to say “If parents were flowers….I’d pick you!” while her sister gave me an “I LOVE YOU!” eraser and then there was the homemade “Owl be Your Valentine!” Swoon. Damn, I am happy. My house is dirty, my hair is in a ponytail, the laundry needs to be folded but I am loved and really, when you’ve got these many people who love you so damn much…. what else do you need? Now, go commit obscene amounts of random acts of kindness and make someone smile because believe me, that simple act can change someone’s entire day. So, I hope your Valentine’s Day is filled with love and every day after that too. Now, go get Happy!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

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Valentine's Day, Sanctuary, sponsored post, love, what women really want, best Valentine's day gifts

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Can you believe it? Only 9 more days until the world explodes with expressions and overt gestures of love. Oh, I love LOVE.

When I was in my early 20’s Valentine’s Day was all about having a guy to shower me with some gift that I could show off to my girlfriends to show that “he loves me! HE really loves me!” ( because obviously, you know, i was too young and dumb to know what that even meant.) I know because he bought me this (insert cheesy item) 75% of piece of jewelry, bouquet of roses ( which I detest and remind me of a funeral), took me out to dinner, brought me a bouquet of Twizzlers, sent me cheap chocolates or bought cheap Champagne, even cheaper lingerie and tore up some of the cheap roses he bought me all over the bed. Yes, those are the things that impress you when you are 21/22-years-old. It was more about the show of showering me with love than the actual act of loving me because at 21, what did any of us know about real, true to God, honest, unconditional love? Not much. Not me anyways. Then I grew up.

Now, Valentine’s Day is not about things because there is nothing that can replace the unconditional love and support that I have received from the Big Guy all these 17 years. We have grown up together. We have built a family. Built a life. He is my home and my soft place to land when the world has beaten me to a bloody pulp and I am his. He has given me everything I never knew I always wanted and he has made me a better person, just by loving me so damn deeply and unconditionally. He’s made me not afraid to try because I know if I fail, he will be there to love me harder for having tried.He knows that I love him even when I want the rest of the world to fall away.

What women really want for Valentine’s Day

Sanctuary Spa Valentine's Gifts, Valentine's Day, Love, relationships

As you can see by this infographic, most women don’t want roses, flowers or chocolates on Valentine’s Day. Roses and flowers wither and die. Once you eat chocolates they are gone. What most of us want it not to be told that you love us on Valentine’s Day but to be shown that you love us every single day of our lives. Love is something a person wants to feel; to know. It doesn’t need to be shouted from the highest mountain top, it only needs to be whispered with sincerity into our ear; to be felt in your embrace or your kiss.

The best give my husband has ever given me, aside from his unconditional love, our children and a certain diamond ring, is the one he gives me every Mother’s Day and Valentine’s day, a day off of life; a day of relaxation with no responsibilities. It sounds simple, I know but by him taking responsibility off my shoulders is more than just a day to relax and indulge in pampering myself, it is about acknowledging that he loves me enough to pay attention to what I really need; time to myself to just be.

Sometimes relaxing is watching a movie in bed with no interruptions, taking a hot bubble bath with the door locked or escaping and unwinding by creating a real pamper session at home with indulgent body care or foot care products by myself. Just knowing that I have the freedom and time to do those things that I took for granted before I had children is now a luxury.

The thing I want most  this Valentine’s Day is to spend it with my husband, just being a couple. I know he loves me, every day of the year, but I’d like to spend this Valentine’s Day by sending the girls to spend the night at Grandma’s house, spending some time pampering myself, giving the Big Guy time to do something he enjoys before having a quiet, grown up dinner together and at the end of the day just falling into the arms of the man I love and talking about nothing and everything without interruption. That sounds like the perfect Valentine’s Day to me.

What is your idea of the perfect Valentine’s Day?

 

 

 

 

Disclosure: The infographic about what Women really want for Valentine’s Day was provided as part of a brand collaboration.

 

 

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