The Best White Lies I EVER told my Girls

We all know that I am all about the truth but occasionally I’ve had to stretch the truth a scoatch to bend the little ones to my Mommy will, in the name of the greater good, of course. Have you ever had to do this? If so, you may identify with the Best White Lies I EVER told my Girls.


Best White Lies I EVER Told my Girls

  • I told my girls that if they didn’t eat their asparagus, their hair would all fall out. It would start with small bald spots; like a dog with mange. (This came at a time when I actually had a small bald spot in my own hair. Timing is everything.)

 

  • Elves are real and they are Santa’s henchmen. They teleport back to the North Pole each night during the Christmas season to report indiscretions perpetrated by naughty kids. They are eager to break some kneecaps but Santa is usually pretty forgiving. (To make the story believable, you must move said elves around nightly and they must appear in unexpected spots i.e. the toilet, the fridge, the tub, school backpack, etc.)

 

  • Once when the door burst open to the “conjugalorium” (Child’s unoccupied bedroom because we have two co-sleepers and are forced to get inventive with our “adult” time), we told our 3 year old  “Daddy was telling Mommy a secret, that’s why we were so close”.

 

  • While driving back from my Moms house in Chicago, we passed a refinery spouting billowing puffs of pollution. My then 4 year old asked “Mommy is that a cloud factory where all the clouds of the world are made?” I said, “Yes, yes it is” How could I not?

 

  • If you stay in the bathtub too long, you will shrivel up and turn into a raisin. Their eyes both turned into saucers, I could see fear and disbelief. I had to seal the deal, “And then people will eat you in their oatmeal!” They both promptly exited the tub and have not stayed for prolonged periods in the tub, since. They are also no longer interested in raisins in any way, shape or form.

 

  • Bambi is a narcoleptic. Recently, my girls had their first ever experience with road kill, a beautiful, freshly deceased deer. The deer was lying at the side of the road, looking very peaceful and not moving. My 3 year old, with tears in her eyes, asked what the dear was doing. I told her the dear had narcolepsy. (P.S. This does not work if you see a random deer leg on the side of the road!)

 

  • The Prayer Closet. A friend once told me that I needed to get myself a “Prayer” closet. My interest was piqued so I asked, “What’s a “prayer” closet?” Apparently, it is a walk-in closet that you can go to have marital relations. OK, but why the name, you ask. So did I. It’s called a prayer closet because once when she was in the closet calling out “Oh GOD!” She walked out to be greeted by her small child asking, “Mommy, what were you doing in there?” Her answer, “Honey, Mommy was praying. It’s Mommy and Daddy’s prayer closet.” The closet has since been soundproofed.

 

  • The Boogie Man. I made the fatal mistake of using the word “BOOGIE MAN”. Previous to this, I have never used the concept with the girls. Nonetheless, it slipped out. My 3 year old heard it. “Mommy, what’s a Boogie Man?” This is where I went brain damaged. “It’s just a little fairy who comes out at night, if you don’t behave, and sucks the boogies out of your nose.” Why I thought this was less traumatic than the real story, I’ll never know.

 

  • I told my girls, on New Years Eve, that their sparkling cider was actually champagne. I had them so convinced that my 5 year old had 2 glasses and swore she was drunk. Lightweight.

 

  • When my daughter was 3 she was extremely afraid of chickens and lemurs.  Don’t ask. Let’s just say Julian, from Madagascar, is persona non grata in our house. She is absolutely terrified. After many nights of her jumping out of bed because she swore chickens or lemurs were under her bed, I took a canister of Febreeze and transformed it into Chicken/Lemur spray. I went so far as to cover up the logo, wrote Chicken/Lemur Spray on the label with the words “Kills Chickens/Lemurs Dead!” complete with chicken skull and crossbones. Then, in Catholic priest fashion, I blessed the room and sprayed the entire room down. Then she slept. That was 2 years ago. Occasionally, she still has me spray the room down. Just to be safe.

 

I’d love to hear any white lies that you’ve had to tell your kids to get them to do what was best for them. How inventive have you had to get in the name of healthy food and a good night’s sleep?

 

 

*This is a piece written by me that was originally published on Momversation.com on January 2011.

 

 

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Comments (26)

Haha! You’re so creative and imaginative. I love the Boogie Man lie, the chicken/ lemur spray and the Prayer Closet ones too. Awesome. I’m going to have to remember some of these for when my toddler is old enough for me to lie to!

LOL!YOu get creative as you need to be in dire situations:) The chicken/lemur spray has saved my life on several occasions!

That is too cute!

I tell my older daughter that at night, our cat patrols her room looking for monsters to eat since no amount of convincing could get her to not believe she has monsters in her room.

Once, I told my older daughter that she and my younger daughter were Polish Princesses. She was not convinced since we don’t live in a castle and are “Definitely not rich, Mamu.” So, I told her “Mama married a poor American for love instead of money.” She is now convinced. Hey, whatever. She was feeling mopey and not special. Now, she feels better.

When my older daughter was scared of thunderstorms because I had told her what they really were, my husband told her the thunder was the Angels in Heaven bowling and the lightnening was the same special lighting effects like in our local roller skating rink, celebrating. Now, she cheers during thunderstorms.

Come to think of it, there are so many such lies I tell them, I kind of feel bad lol Ok, only a little bad.

I adore the Polish Princess one because 1) there is nothing wrong with making a little girl feel special and 2) Hey..aren’t they all our little princesses:)

These? Are pure genius! Also? Fabulous fodder! XO

Thank you. I try:) As a general rule, I don;t lie…but sometimes I have to get a little creative with the truth to get my girls to do what they are supposed to do:)

Oh poor, poor sleeping bambi. So funny.

Poor little narcoleptic bastard, he didn’t know what hit him:)

the Dancing Queen chews her hair. I told her that she would get a hairball like the cat if she kept doing it.
I also told her that since she swallowed a tooth, as long as she went to sleep smiling the Tooth Fairy would see the gap and still leave money

I also tell my kids that the stars in the sky are the souls of those people we love who have died. not sure that counts as a white lie…

Oh, I love those. I can just imagine your little girl falling asleep with a full on toothless grin.How sweet is that? The hairball one is killing me.That is the funniest thing that Ive ever heard”)

I think I lie to my kids about 20 times a day, which is about as often as I lied to my parents when I was living with them. I LOVE the prayer closet. I didn’t realize that people were building special rooms for that. Isn’t that what the kitchen is for? Is it like a panic room? I picture something like the bat cave, equipped with monitors for pornography and cabinets for the sex toys.
Wait…or is this some kind of S&M thing?

When I was a kid, a bird crapped on my head and my great-grandfather told me the bogey man had gotten me. I totally believed him, freaked out and ran inside and told my mother I was going to die. I think it was the first time I ever heard my mother curse at somebody older than she was. It wasn’t the last time.

http://www.wagthedad.com

LOL! Sounds like you had a very colorful childhood. Oh yeah, that prayer closet can be a life saver…every couple with little ones need a prayer closet or a conjugalorium:) We’ve got to get creative.

A Mommy in the City

Wow. You are good! I haven’t had to come up with any for Harlan yet, but I might steal some of yours if the situation ever comes up. There are too good not to use!

The Lemur/Chicken spray has saved my life on many an occasion!

Those are hilarious! My mom used to tell me that the crust from bread was the “best part for you.” What a load.

LOL! I think your mama just didn’t want to waste the crust:)

Hey Liar! You and your girls are gorgeous!

LOL! Thanks Mama!

Oh my these had me laughing so hard I have tears running down my face! Thank you for the list. Too bad my kids are getting to the point that they qestion most of this stuff. It’s just as not much fun (pouting). I would love to use the asparagus one on my veggie hating son.
If I told my son the sparkling cider was champagne he would refuse to touch it. He thinks all alcohol is gross and won’t touch it. My daughter on the other hand would definitely drink it up. She’s my rebel.
I purposely went out and bought a canister of nice smelling carpet powder and relabeled it “Monster Powder”. I also have a small animal air freshner I put in the corner of their rooms by their doors. These protect them from any monsters or bad dreams.
Also, the tooth fairy missed coming one time so the story was the tooth fairy had an extra busy night and would make it up by delievering something extra special the next night.
The things we create just for them!

Love this list!! There’s an old abandoned factory we pass on the highway that has broken windows and looks scary and I tell my kids its the “bad boy School. where they will end up if they act up!! They are petrified of it…..

bwhaha! I haven’t had to use any white lies yet. I’ll be trying to borrow some of these when needed!

I am a Scary Mommy

[…] The Best White Lies I ever Told My Girls […]

I’ll be trying to use this white lies sometimes..Thanks for sharing..

The Elf is back in town

[…] lie to my girls, well, unless you count my all time favorite…doing more good than harm white lies that I’ve told over the years but at Christmas time, with all that sugar and hyperactivity running rampant, late bedtimes, […]

These are hilarious. The only one I can think of is maybe not really a white lie. I had an accident a while back that involved a tear in, um, my vaginal wall. I told them it was my leg. http://amandamagee.com/2010/07/delicate/

[…] A monster detector deciphers when under the bed is clear of even the scariest of boogie men. By hovering a smartphone or tablet in the direction of the bottom of the bed, a small monster icon will appear and determine if the coast is clear. This would have been amazing when Ella was having nightmares about chickens and lemurs under the bed! […]

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