The First Pregnancy in the History of the Universe~ I know most of you reading this post have had a child or two, right? Myself included. You’ve been pregnant probably once, maybe more. I wouldn’t consider myself an expert on children or giving birth, no more than I consider myself an expert on men, but I know a thing or two ( maybe even a little more than that). I’ve been pregnant, experienced the first pregnancy symptoms, delivered a couple of gorgeous, outlandishly big headed babies; it’s true. But I don’t claim to be an expert, I consider myself more of an avid student of life and all of it’s experiences. I have learned to listen, observe and learn. I try to take something away from every experience. Not everyone is like that, as I’ve recently become painfully aware. Some people like to take the easy way and skip to the end, bypassing all of the experiences of the journey and only knowing the destination.
I know one of these poor unfortunate souls. She is pregnant with her first child. She has been diligently reading the pregnancy books, following her pregnancy week by week with Baby Center and is even reading and cross checking every single pregnancy symptom she gets with the dreaded What to Expect when you are Expecting book. I’m not saying that I didn’t do the very exact same thing but now I know better. Thanks to the accessibility of information coupled with an obvious case of hypochondria, she has been overwhelmed and in a constant state of anxiety. At the time of this post, she has had every single pregnancy symptom imaginable and referenced to in What to Expect when you are Expecting. Damn you What to Expect when You are Expecting. She believes absolutely every single word she reads, as if it is the bible of being pregnant and Pregnancy is her religion. But if I try to offer a little friendly solicited ( mind you because I don’t give it otherwise) advice, she turns a deaf ear. Personally, I think she would have been a lot better off if she would have just read Top Ten Things Not Even Your Mama told you about Pregnancy.
The real issue is that, unbeknownst to me, she is experiencing the first pregnancy in the history of the world. I’m not sure what the rest of us went through or thought we were doing because obviously we were NOT pregnant. She tells everyone who will listen what it is like to be pregnant, how hard it is, and how we just can’t imagine what she is going through. Ahem, I think I can..been there and done that…TWICE. She walks into every room with her belly leading, in fact, I think it’s been arriving a good 10 minutes before she’s even been in the building for the past 2 trimesters. Maternity pants have been a must since week 4 because she was obviously showing ( what the hell was I blind?) because according to What to Expect when You are Expecting, she had to be having twins. Hell, she’s been having Braxton Hicks since she was 4 months pregnant and last I heard, she is actually losing weight.Mama said what? Yep, first pregnancy in the history of the WORLD!
She has assured me that her baby will be completely bald because she has not had any heartburn. She has even went so far as to eat anything and everything that could possibly induce hair growth in hopes of her baby being born with a full head of hair. She’s turned into Goldilocks and will fight you to the death to have the bed that is just right. She has switched beds 3 times during this pregnancy. Her main concern above all else is that she be a “cute pregnant” mommy to be. It is so important to her that she has made it a top priority on her being pregnant list and refuses to be seem without full make-up and hair at all times, even in the throes of morning sickness she would pause to reapply her lipstick. I’ve heard rumors that she has even hired a make-up artist and hairdresser to come to the birth so that she is picture perfect for any and all photo ops. I don’t know about y’all but I was a lot more concerned with surviving the tearing apart of my body then I was in looking good. I’m pretty sure that the little make-up that I did apply before starting the induction, completely melted off my face when I was sweating like a construction worker while expunging the wee fruit of my loins.Not her though, she has her birth plan in order and it is going to be magical…orgasmic even. She is going to show us all how it is done. We were all so silly doing it the hard way, in pain, what with our lack of follow through on our birth plan and what not. I can’t wait to see the photos.
Ms.First Pregnancy in the history of the world has also revealed to me that she will be the first Mommy in the world who will get motherhood right, as well, because the rest of us have so obviously not gotten this parenting thing down. She will NOT be ran by her kids, she will not be doing any middle of the night waking for any crying children, they WILL eat exactly what she makes for them and they WILL go to bed in their own bed when she says so…all the time! Do you hear that? I think that is God laughing at her making these ridiculous black and white decrees on parenting. I can’t believe she said them out loud…to another Mother. We all learn as we go. The ins and outs of motherhood and pregnancy are hard earned wisdom. Just because you were the person without children offering parenting advice from your vast babysitting experiences and you are experiencing the first pregnancy in the history of the world does not a mother make.
I wish this mother-to-be all the luck in the world. I can only imagine how hard it is being the first pregnancy in the history of the universe. She is such a brave pioneer. What myths and or fantasies about pregnancy and motherhood did you have that were dispelled by reality? What was the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard a first time mommy-to-be say or do?
I do talk about things other than motherhood, Shark Week and pregnancy on occasion and today I can be found at Aiming Low Miss Unlimited talking about Self-Confidence and how my life credo is Where there is a will, there is always a way. I’d love for you to stop by or share your first pregnancy story here.