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little kids

INternational Women's Day,#tbt, Throwback Thursday, The TRUTH about Motherhood, Motherhood

Today is Throwback Thursday #tbt and I’m doing it parenting style. It’s all about the motherhood. There will be a Throat Punch Thursday post here on The TRUTH  later today. But since it’s my 5-year anniversary week,  I have decided to do a little Throwback Thursday post #tbt.

This was the first post that I EVER wrote.I am pretty sure that no one ever read it:)  I had no idea what I was doing as a blogger and was definitely still figuring out motherhood. I knew what I wanted this blog to be. I wanted it to be a place where other mothers could come and get the real nitty, gritty down low on motherhood. I was tired of feeling like a failure only to find out that other mothers were only telling me the good parts of their experience and never the hard parts.

As I got to know more moms, I realized they were just trying to protect themselves because all they were hearing were the good parts and in the end…we all felt like failures. I never wanted another new mom to feel like a failure again. That is why I started this blog. I figured if I shared my highs and lows, if only one other mom felt better about herself or felt like she wasn’t alone, I had made a difference. I was trying to be the change.  Here is my #TBT post complete with Throwback Thursday Photos. Enjoy.

Parenting for beginners.

motherhood,the truth about motherhood, pregnancy, babies, parenting

There’s a club, more exclusive than the Junior League, the country club, or any other social/philanthropic women’s club, it’s called the Mommy club also known as the bliss/insanity that is Motherhood.

Welcome to the TRUTH about Motherhood where parenting gets really real.

Yes, there are many, many women in this club, from all countries and walks of life. Do you know of any other sorority where the initiation rite is growing and producing a human being? Seriously, that’s a little steep. It’s a never ending membership. Once you’ve joined, you’re a lifer and believe me it’s more stringent than any other club I belong to. It’s like being jumped into a gang. There is no way out. It’s a ’til death to we part sort of situation.

motherhood, mother

 Motherhood is hard. Parenting is not for the weak.

Once you are in the “Motherhood”, you are continuously scrutinized for your choices; from conception, to delivery, what you wear, what your child wears, how you speak to your child, what classes you take and the lists goes on to infinity and beyond. Worse still, other mothers seldom tell you the whole truth about motherhood. Parenting is the best kept secret there is. No one wants to admit how challenging it can really be.

The secrets of parenting are securely hidden from the newbies under lock and key by other parents. Being careful not to reveal an inkling of the real truth for fear that the species may cease to exist. You won’t be told the hard truth about pregnancy, labor, subsequent siblings, bedtime, discipline, after baby body or any of the other gruesome aspects of motherhood by your friends and neighbors.  You will hear all about the awesomeness by your mom friends. You will have rainbows and unicorns coming out of your ass. But that’s not reality.

The reality is that parenting is the hardest job that you will ever love.

I’m Truthful Mommy , also known as Deborah to other adults, and this is the truth that your mothers, sisters, and girlfriends never told you! This is the beginning, so if you are ready for the TRUTH about motherhood, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, as it happens to me, put on your mom goggles and have a seat and stay awhile. I’ll be giving you the good, the bad, the ugly of motherhood. I’ll be irreverent and brutally honest, so hold on to your hats. Sh*t is about to get real. Welcome to The TRUTH about Motherhood.

motherhood, parenting, mother, the TRUTH about Motherhood

My TRUTH about Motherhood is that parenting is everything.

I hope you will come back tomorrow and check out my new series This Blogger’s Life... My first interview will be with my friend, Jill Smokler,  the awesome force behind Scary Mommy! It will be live at 8 am EST. 

Okay, lets see those #TBT photos on Instagram. Leave your Instagram name in the comments and I will follow! I’m Deborah Cruz on Instagram.

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This week, my Bella is star of the week at school. She requested that the family come to children’s mass this morning and see her receive her blessing. It’s all very sweet. I live for these moments.Don’t we all?

We woke up extra early and dressed ourselves appropriately.Sorry yoga pants you will be staying in today. My mom is in town to read to the class tomorrow so Grandma made a special appearance at our church too. We took our seats and watched as the hundreds of little kids filtered in.

One by one, like an ever flowing sea of khaki, navy and white. Each child more devastatingly adorable than the last. Walking past our pew to their appointed pew, taking their knee and uttering prayers of “Please God, let my parents not be so clueless” , “Please God,let Billy love me”,  “please God, take these braces away”,  “Please God, let me get a new Barbie doll for my birthday”. You know… the usual.

Mass started, the priest is the star but all supporting roles are played by the children. The children’s choir sounds like a real life choir of angels. All reading are done by children, songs sung by children, Eucharistic ministers..children. You get the idea?

And it got me to thinking, how truly awesome it is that these children are so active in the church and learning to serve at such a young age. They are comfortable being in front of this crowd of hundreds of their peers and they are all so well mannered, including mine. It was mesmerizing and impressive for me to watch. Then I got this eerie feeling, I imagine this is how the boys were in the Lord of the Flies..in the beginning. Very well mannered and civilized and then…all hell broke loose. Then I wasn’t so sure this was so adorable any more. Maybe it’s just creepy. Children of the corn creepy. After all, we do live in Indiana.

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Gabs

 

I love the way you cup my face and kiss me when you are trying to make a sincere apology
I love the way you summons me from across the house only to tell me “Mommy! Close the doah , Me need PIRACY” when you’re taking a poop
I love the way you still say “Me” versus”I”. I really don’t care what anyone thinks. I wouldn’t mind if you said it your whole life through
I love that you are sarcastic at 3-years-old. Not jaded, just so above and over it all.
I love your unapologetic attitude.
I love your sense of style; rain boots ( the more colorful the better) a hooded pullover and a pair of bootie shorts on any given day of the year and about 13 hair clips and a couple self made crooked pony tails with about a handful of flavored chap stick to polish your look.
I love the way no matter what happens to you, its always your sisters fault..even if she isn’t even here!
I love the way you bite your lip just before you fall asleep ( just like Mommy did does)
I love the way when we first had you, you strongly resembled a sumo wrestler ( I wasn’t quite sure you were ours except for the fact you never left my room) but now you are a long, lean version of my little kid self.

 

I love the way when we get back from dropping Bella off from school, you wrap your legs and arms around me tight and always want me to carry you in like a little monkey from the car. I adore it!
I love the way when you are falling asleep, just before you completely crash, you move your lips in some imaginary conversation and practice your Karate kid crane style.
It’s also pretty funny that you like to sleep with your feet by your sister’s head..I’m pretty sure you do that on purpose to be an asshole but it is really cute to watch.
I love the way you run to your sister and give her the world’s biggest squeeze when we pick her up from school. Every drop off is like sending her off to war and every pick up is like she made it home in one piece.
I love that you want to do everything your sister does, even if you are too little.
I love your fearlessness and bravery.
I love that I am your “Mommy” and no one else seems quite good enough to you.
I love the way you randomly shake your bootie and try to get your sister to do the same.
I love that you announce to everyone…”I Faaahhhhh-ted!”
I love the way you always put your shoes on the wrong foot, the first time!
I love that when you are really tired you say ” Me want my Daddy!”
I love the way you air kiss me from across any room, no matter where we are or who is listening
There is so much about you that I love that I could write a book about it. You are my sunshine.

 

Bella

 

I love your big giant heart.
I love that you love big and do everything in a big way.
I love your flamboyance ( Satine from Moulin Rouge as a Birthday party theme at 5?)
I love your willingness and openness to new experiences and people.
I love how you came into this world and made me a better person for all time.
I love the way you always want to be all girlied up!
I love the way you say say “Shua” for “Sure”.
I love that you are timid but so brave.
I love that you befriend the little guy just so they won’t be alone.
I love that you are so unaware of your beauty.

 

I love your passion for life.
I love the way you walk around the house with my high heels and purses pretending to be me ; it makes me feel like I am someone worth being!
I love the way you snuggle with me, even though you are probably starting to think I am a dork:)
I love the way you say my name like I am the most important person in the world.
I love that to you I am the most important person in the world.
I love the way you think about what you say ” My Mom is way cuter than me!” (OMG..complete lie but so sweet of her to say. Even more, I love that she believes it!)
I love that you made me a Mommy and let me have the honor of knowing you.
I love the way your Daddy is your rock.
I love that you tell me I am your best friend ( I pray that never changes)
I love the way you light up when you dance ballet.
I love the way you watch over your sister.
I love that although you may not look like me exactly, you have my personality to a t!
I love that when I get excited about something that’s going on in my life, you get it and join right in on the celebration.
I love the way you hold my hand when I walk you to school.

 

 

I love the way you talk in your sleep about the things of the day.
I love our “Peace out/I love  you” sign.
I love the crazy songs we make up and sing together.
I love the way you harmonize and sing with your uncle while he plays the guitar or piano; I love the way you accompany your Grandpa when he plays Happy Birthday at all family birthday parties.
I love the way you draw pictures of you and I together holding hands.
I love all the girly things we do together; manis/pedis/facials, slumber party/ pizza night.
I love the way you are so blissfully unmarred by the world and exist in pure naivete.
I love that when you get hurt and I ask if you are going to live , you always answer ” Just always only with you Mommy!”
I love that you tell me that I am the best Mommy in the world.
I love how when you do something cute or crazy, you immediately ask “Are you going to BLOG about this?”
I love that when we have been separated ,for any amount of time, you run and scream my name and hug my neck like I’m returning home from a lon
g journey and nothing has ever made you happier!
I love how you look so sweet and peaceful when you sleep and I can still see that baby they first placed into my arms.
You are my heart. I love you to the moon and back 27 million times!



My Girls,How do I love thee? There are infinite reasons to count!

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So, tomorrow my Bella starts the big K (DUMDUMDUMDDUMDUUUUUM) Kindergarten! I knew I might be emotional tomorrow, and I still suspect am positive that I will be. I assumed that it was going to be like last year, Gabs would have the break down which would trickle down unto me causing me in the end..to weep sob uncontrollably in the shelter of my SUV. That’s probably still going to happen. I called in reinforcements. The Big Guy is coming home a day early to hold my hand as I let go of my Bella’s. ( Oh shit, I think I am going to tear up just writing this. What a hot mess I will be tomorrow morning).Everything is ready. Bags are packed, papers signed, snack ready, clothes laid out; commence the letting go ( Oh how I hate the letting go).
But tonight, surprise, I was hit with a little ninja style, around the back of the head when your not looking emotional kick. It sorta reminds me of the morning that I was about to marry the Big Guy. I was fine; excited, in the moment about to marry the BIG GUY / the man of my dreams (Squeal) then it happened. As I was getting dressed,  I slyly looked out the window of the rectory and spied my betrothed,there in the church garden, smiling the biggest and happiest smile I had ever seen and taking his photos with the groomsmen. I slowly & silently pulled back from the window and it hit me like a 20 ton pile of bricks, ” You are about to be this mans wife…FOREVER!” It wasn’t just the enormity of the life altering event at hand, it was the realization that I had not a clue what it all had meant until that moment in the window. The weight of my life changing forever, even for the best it could ever be, was in fact still a humongous change. It was the symbol of who I was dying and metamorphosing into who I was becoming. It was HUGE! I was rattled, right there in my bright white wedding gown; completely disarmed by the man I love’s smile.
Tonight, as I was in my routine, getting the girls ready for bed. I was lying in bed snuggled up with my Bella reading her The Night before Kindergarten and before I knew it, another damn 20 ton pile of bricks fell on me. The enormity of my baby starting Kindergarten. This is life changing for all of us but most of all for her. For me, it is the first of many, many, many lettings go ( total SUCK for me) but for her it is the beginning for so many opportunities. It truly is the first day of the rest of her life. I am so excited for her and I want to let her know that it is OK to be frightened but excited because that is what all the good  great things in life feel like. It breaks my heart a tiny bit that she is becoming so independent and growing up so fast but I am so thankful that for a little while I got to be the center of her world. She will always be the center of mine. Happy first day of Kindergarten,Bella! Mommy loves  you and is so proud of you!

I’ll let you know tomorrow how well I actually held up! Happy Mothering!

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I’ve found that as a Mother, the moments that I learn the most valuable lessons are when I am not thinking at all. So sad but so true. For example, amidst all the craziness that this morning was..the girls were having a slap fight, Gabs decided to tell me : “You hate me! ME no love you!” for the infraction of not letting her wear long sleeves outside in the 90 degree weather ( I can see her point..I’m just a mean bitch), and Bella went completely deaf and ignored absolutely every single thing I asked her to do or told her not to do this morning ( again, must be me. How dare I think my girls should be held responsible for their actions!)! Stupid, naive, me…I thought it was going to be a good day, I woke up to sunshine, hot coffee, and Paramore and then hell broke lose!

 

But, somewhere along the way, something clicked. Oh yes, I remember. I was checking my FB account and a friend of mine had posted her son’s senior montage. I watched it, for no other reason than curiosity. I don’t really know her son. As I was watching it, I started tearing up (just like I did at the end of Toy Story 3).

Suddenly, like a ton of bricks it hit me…these tantrums and days that seem to be endless..are fleeting and passing me by at lightening speed. Before I know it, I will be watching Bella’s senior montage and sending her off into the world to be her own person; left to her own devices and there will be no more daily tantrums, slap fights, screaming matches but there will also be no more random I love yous, neck ringing hugs, co sleeping, spontaneous dance parties and silly song concerts! On a day soon after that, it will be packing Gabs up for college and sending her off.

When we are waiting to meet our children, 10 months feels like forever. When they are toddlers and having tantrums, and it seems like the days will never end of changing shitty diapers, or we’ll never get to be alone again; these days we wish away. But I am here to tell you, if you change your thinking and realize that those precious little hands that hold yours will soon be to large to want to do so, that the child who won’t leave your side will soon rather not be seen in public with you because you are an embarrassment, and that the little girl who thinks that you are the world and annoys you to no end messing with your shoes, clothes and make up will soon want nothing to do with you.

If we realize from the moment they are born, we are losing them and that with every milestone and tantrum they are one step closer to heading out the door for college, then maybe we can slow down, gain perspective and enjoy the madness; embrace the chaos, and love our children for the who they are today. I know its hard to realize this in the midst of the chaos, but take a moment and try to remember to cherish even the worst days because they are flying by and soon there will be no more chaos to cherish!

Hug them, kiss them, let them play in the puddles, act silly with them, let them cook with you, don’t waste their childhood wishing it away.Sometimes you’ve got to break some rules to make some memories. It’s not about how much money you spend, how clean your house is, or what you cook for dinner. What they’ll remember is how much you loved them and how much time you spent with them….make it count! Happy Mothering!

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Today, my Mother in law and I took the girls to the splash pad. The day was gorgeous, 90 degree weather, the sun was shining, there was a slight breeze blowing. It was the perfect type of day to take the girls to a wonderful wholesome  fun family activity; the local parks department splash pad. My girls are water babies and in the heat, the splash pad is the safest way for preschoolers to beat the heat…or so I thought.
We arrive and the girls are overcome with excitement, dressed in the new bikinis that their Grandma ChaCha had gotten them for this visit. Bella was over the moon about the cheetah print bikini with the hot pink piping on the edges and Gabi was sporting a red, white and blue striped bikini as beautifully as only a 3 year old American girl next door could. They were absolutely adorable.
It was seriously about 100 degrees out, so the splash pad was packed with children running through the glistening cool water.At first the girls were filled with trepidation, it was a little overwhelming with all of the bigger kids running about but soon they became acclimated and were having the time of their life.
Grandma ChaCha and I sat on the bench ,looking on at the girls, mentally recording every grin and smile. Then I started snapping pictures because the girls were just too irresistible not to. It was another one of those days that you just knew memories were happening. Then it all changed.
The splash pad is in the middle of a public park. We had noticed early on that there was a man training a Border Collie. I am always uber aware of our surroundings. I am a people watcher by nature.We thought it was ridiculous but hey , it was his dog and whatever…. we had human babies to watch. Then the man walked his dog over to the splash pad. Not necessarily a great thing to do but whatever, as long as he kept the dog close to him and kept it away from the children. Of course, every single child ( with the exception of mine) ran over to pet the obviously dehydrated Border Collie. My children asked but, first I don’t let my kids pet strange dogs and second, quite frankly, something about this man gave me the heebie jeebies…before he even opened his mouth to talk.  He kept skulking around, watching the kids run through the fountains as they sporadically came up to him and asked to pet the dog. It felt like he was one of those guys who uses their dogs to pick up girls but these “girls” were actually “girls” ages 2- 13. I kept my girls close without alarming them…or him. But for some reason, he kept gravitating toward where we were. He kept circling where we were sitting, and then he came in for conversation. The girls were oblivious but he kept smiling at them and trying to engage my Mother in law and myself. At first, I was pleasant. After all, I wasn’t raised in a cave but then things got weird. He smiled at my 3 year old, practically salivating and licking his lips ( like a man who is speaking to Pamela Anderson while she’s wearing her bikini) and says, “My , you sure are a cute little thing!” And then he proceeded to keep trying to chat up me and my Mother in law.Now, it wasn’t exactly what he said but how he said it and the way he was looking at my girls that sent off my Mommy intuition/alarm. I don’t leave anything to chance when it comes to my daughters , I’d much rather insult an adult with my over protectiveness than let my child get hurt because I was too trusting and I think most parents understand that view point. Our children are the priority,all else is less important…period! Then I noticed him sizing up my 5 year old, as he was talking.I felt my skin crawl. At this point, I was despondent towards him and pretty much ignoring his very existence.My main focus was trying to figure out how the hell to get out of this situation short of saying,”Can you please get your creepy mind the fuck off my children you sick bastard!!” So, I tell my girls…”5 minutes, we’ve got to go meet Grandpa!” My Mother in law, looked like she was on high alert as well, so something was definitely not right with this man. He continued trying to engage us, then it went completely creepy. He proceeds to talk at us and tell us that he was in the service but came out and immediately had himself fixed ( why would you tell a complete stranger this? I think what he meant to say was after he was caught for being a molester he was chemically castrated!) because he didn’t want children ( then why are you hanging around the splash pad full of children, Chester?) and he continues to say that it is so easy to have kids, “You blink and you have like four kids!” Something in his tone was as if he were implying that children were disposable. I know you may be thinking to yourself, this woman is completely overreacting. But if you were there, you know that feeling you get when something is most definitely not right with someone? That was the feeling that  I had. My stomach was in knots; this man had me about to vomit he made me so nervous being around my children. I suddenly felt creeped out and insulted simultaneously ( it was a train wreck of creepy activity) It felt like that any minute he was capable of pulling out a knife and grabbing my girls and running off…in broad day light…he was that CREEPY!! I grabbed my girls with nothing more than a ,” Let’s go.” I covered them up and we left. Normally, I would have changed them in the car but this freak started following behind us. I was prepared for battle. I was pissed, freaked out, and scared all at the same time. Endorphins was oozing from my pours.My fight or flight response was in overdrive.I have never come in contact with someone whom, I felt, actually were a threat to my children. But this man made me feel afraid for them. It was reminiscent of that scene in the original Texas Chainsaw massacre when the creepy guy gets in the van and then cuts himself and they are stuck in the van with him. You know you don’t want him there, but you are afraid of what might happen if you spook him, Needless to say, we will NEVER go to that splash pad again..EVER.
The moral of the story; it is our moral obligation that if something feels wrong for our children,as their protectors, we must do whatever it takes to keep them safe, no matter how crazy it seems.My only regret is that I didn’t call the cops on this guy for lurking around the splash pad accosting mothers and leering at children and that I didn’t grab my girls and run the minute he looked in their general direction. By the time we left, only about 10 minutes had passed from start to finish but I felt dirty and violated.What do you think? Did I over react? Or does Mommy intuition trump all rhyme or reason?

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Seems like just yesterday, in fact I think it was, Gabs was saying “Me this and Me that” and now I hear the “I”s creeping in. Of course, I am proud because she is learning to talk like a big girl and use her correct pronouns. But there is something saddening about my baby turning into a little girl. It’s letting go of one phase and starting another one. Much the same as I had to do a few weeks ago when Bella decided that her lovey “Fi Fi LaRUe” (the most adorable pink poodle ever) that up until then she could not sleep without..ever ( this little guy has been same day shipped when forgotten @ Grandma’s. It was THAT serious!) is not so necessary anymore. Normally, at bed time, there is a mad scramble to find FiFi. It is a major event and Daddy and I know there will be hell to pay if that little poodle ever goes missing. But a few days ago, FiFi was missing at nap time and Bella was all like,”It’s OK Mommy. I can live with out her for one nap.” OMG! And just like that..a dagger in my heart. I could care less about what happens to FiFi. It’s not about losing FiFi, its about this being a representation of losing yet another piece of Bella’s childhood. On to the next phase we go.
Parenthood is a lot like a roller coaster. You know what’s coming…you are excited for the thrill of a lifetime. You get on and as it climbs to the top, it feels like it is dragging on forever and the trepidation is building to almost combustible levels. Then you hit the top and away you go. You are on the ride of your life and it is over in a flash.  That first year of my girls’ lives, everything seemed like it was in slow motion. We were wading through  blindly waiting for life to happen..first teeth, first step, first word….all kinds of firsts. Then you hit that 1 year mark,the baby’s mobile and away you go. Suddenly, your whole life is on fast forward. All you want to do is hit the brakes  but there’s no stopping this coaster once it gains momentum. Here I am, right smack dab in the middle of the ride..holding on for dear life, having the thrill of my life. I just wish I could slow it down a bit and  enjoy the scenery a little more. It’s going so fast, I feel like I am missing parts of the ride and afraid its going to be over way too soon.
Quick , someone tap the brakes, Mama wants to take a couple few  49,000 or so snapshots to remember the ride!

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I was just going over some of my posts from when I first started this blog, a year ago, and let me tell you…I think if you want a giggle…you should go here…now! Not to set the bar too high, but I found it all pretty amusing and apropos. I address everything from labor and delivery, pregnancy, to play dates gone a miss. Back then I had NO followers and I think its a shame that no one got the chance to read those posts. So be a dear and take a peak! You won’t be sorry.Happy Mothering!

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So, tonight the girls and I are walking around Target buying such lovely things as toilet paper,anti-wrinkle cream, night time diapers; you know, usual Mommy stuff. Anyways, my girls love Target ( probably because every single time we walk out of that place, of the mandatory $80 that I spend, at least half of it is on something for them). They get in there and it’s like the oxygen is enhanced with sugar because my girls are talking mile a minute and have an energy of which I’ve not seen the likes since my early 20’s….way before life had beat me into submission. So I say to them , ” Girls, cool your jets ( no idea why I’ve turned into my mother and say things like this and stuffed to the gills but I do and quite often). Apparently that is not what my 2 year old, aka the Parrot, heard. I know this because she promptly started screaming , at the top of her lungs no less, ” Girls, pull your tits!!!”WTF? I wasn’t sure if I should break into tears or laughter. My only saving grace was that she didn’t actually try to follow said instructions .Oh My, you never really know what they actually hear.

-Truthful Mommy xoxo

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