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balancing Motherhood and womanhood

With great power comes great responsibility.Don’t we know it. We’ve all come to Motherhood, for better or worse, because we wanted to love a child.The thing is, I don’t think any of us thought it completely through. How could we? We were not equipped with all the facts. No one told me that from the moment of  conception, I would henceforth be completely forgoing any and all of my own needs, wants, and desires. I don’t mean things like going to bars, staying up all night, blowing a wad of cash on useless crap. No, I am referring to the basics like going to the bathroom alone, showering for more than 3 minutes,having the luxury of shaving my legs, waxing my lip,  being able to eat a warm meal, being able to read a book that wasn’t about a Toad or a Frog, being able to get an entire sentence out of my mouth before being interrupted, being able to actaully spend time with my husband as spouses and not Mommy and Daddy. The shame of it all is that its not only expected of Mommies, it’s practically demanded. Every time I feel like I might want some thing ( however small it may be) for myself ( a goal, a minute, a dream), I can feel all of society giving me that look, you know the one . The “you made your bed now lie in it ” look!
I feel like Motherhood makes women superheroes, dually a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it is fantastic that we can mean so much to our children, when they are small but at the same time a curse, as we are expected to do all things, at all times, for all those we love with the exception of ourselves.If you dare break from script, then you get crowned a right selfish bitch. You are made to feel guilty for wanting needing to be something more.  How dare you want to be a person? Oh wait, you are a person.You are human and as such you deserve such basic human rights as freedom to live and say and do what YOU want.; to enjoy a drink that I poured myself without having to worry if someone is back washing in it or spilling it, to be able to hear yourself think, to sleep for increments larger than 3 hours, to be able to have an hour a day to pursue your dream, hell, to have a dream.
I realize I’ve made my bed, and I love my bed, but sometimes Mommy needs someone else to take responsibility for making the bed so I can go out and enjoy a latte with my girlfriends like an adult; like a real person with real thoughts, real feelings, and limitations. With limitations come meltdowns when we are pushed beyond our breaking point. Don’t feel less of a Mother for this, feel more. If we don’t break down once in awhile and always power through, we are doing a disservice to our babies. We have our meltdown, we step back, we breathe, we rejuvenate, and we come out the other side a better Mommy, a better person. Just keep in mind, my fellow superheroes…Mommies are people too!

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There are lots of things about Motherhood that we are never told beforehand; like how truly horrible transition labor feels, how a person can actually go 24 hours without sleep because a newborn requires almost round the clock feeding, how such a tiny person can hold your heart in their tiny little hands, how elating and exhausting motherhood really is, or perhaps what becoming a Mother entails physically, emotionally, and mentally. I’m sure that no matter if they had warned us, the warnings would have gone unheeded and fallen on deaf ears because we simply could not have been capable of wrapping our brains around such terrifying notions, speaking for myself at least.

Motherhood; expect the unexpected

For all the things that pregnancy and Motherhood have taken away or changed about me, it has replenished with boundless amounts of gifts from life like the delight and joy that the true smile of my daughters bring to me, the pride that swells within my chest knowing that I helped make such an awesome little miracle,  the unconditional and endless love that my heart provides for these children, the feeling I had the first time I held my daughters in my arms or the first time my child called out “mommy.” The way it feels when you can kiss their booboo’s and make the whole world right again. Such love and trust is an awesome responsibility, it both humbles and scares the hell out of most of us.

Motherhood:expect the worst & hope for the best

Still, there are some things that pregnancy and Motherhood changes about ourselves that we can’t help but miss.  For example; our sanity ( have I told you that I sometimes talk to myself asking how I got here ( this point in my life where I can’t rationalize with a 2 year old and am almost to the point of tears?), our short term memory ( I personally now have the attention span of a fruit fly), our hair ( between pregnancy hormones and then the stress of raising my munchkins…well, all I’m saying is thank God my hair grows like weeds. I am not exaggerating. The other day my husband cleaned out the vacuum and it looked like someone had vacuumed up a chinchilla!), our figures ( ass, thighs, belly, stretch marks…everything shifts and realigns…reshapes itself) , our hygiene ( who has time for a shower? And if you do….who has time for make up and shaving?) . All these things, I can forgo. But everyone has a breaking point… Mine is my boobies!
This is where I draw the line. I always had a great pair of lovely, perky, firm, round boobies! I mean I was pretty famous for them. People would come from miles around to look upon them. Yes, they were that fantastic! Then, I had my girls! Oh yeah, I tried to granola Mommy it and breast fed. Come on, we all want to do whats best for our children. No one told me! No one told me what breast feeding does to the twins. La Leche league needs to add a disclaimer : May cause boobies to relocate further south than once thought possible. You know the old adage the Bigger they are the harder they fall….I am proof positive someone was talking about boobies when they said that! I went from perkilicious tatas to looking like some Yummy Mummy out in the African jungle. Not cool! I specifically invested loads of money to know Victoria’s secret to keep the girls in their northern glory. But there is no fighting Mother Nature, that bitch has my arch nemesis gravity on her side! Fickle bitch. Now,what was once my shining glory has been reduced to what I can only liken to as utters. So,  here I sit feeling such love as I watch my gorgeous little girls as they sleep like little angels. Then I look down( about 5 inches lower than before) and though I know this is a battle scar that I should be wearing with pride…like a lost limb or a bullet wound from war, I am looking with inquisition. Wondering just what the hell I have to do to rectify this situation. The girls use to be for fun, like a cute pair of heels…nice to look at and fun to wear but never did you really ever put any real mileage on them. Then they became for function and now they look like they have been rode hard and put away wet, like a pair of your favorite running shoes. Poor babies boobies, don’t worry..Mommy’s going to  restore you to your former glory with a little help from Mr. Plastic surgeon and Ms. Victoria’s secret. Of all the things I lost, I miss my boobies the most!

Motherhood; the bigger they are the harder they fall

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I want to be the best Mommy with all the right answers, the patience of a saint, only feed my kids organic food, occupy their time with mind expanding activities, make sure they get enough sun and exercise and be a good life role model for them. Isn’t that what we all want?
I also want to be able to maintain friendships, my sanity, my marriage, and possibly contribute to society in some small way. I realize that there are some of you out there who have this all under control. That is awesome for you. I am glad you have found your healthy balance. I ,on the other hand, have moments when I get really ambitious and decide that this is it. This will be the day that I make a list and pursue my dreams, be the Mommy I want to be, the friend who actually has time to listen to her friends when they talk, to workout and watch what I put in my mouth, to take the time to get dressed and get ready before I go out in to public view. I do. I get really optimistic and I just do it. The longest it lasted was for 7 months. It was awesome. But lately I feel like I am all talk and no action. Too tired for action. I am full of ambition and good intentions but it seems an impossibility to bring them to fruition. The day to day minutia is starting to feel like quicksand and I’m sinking.
The thing is I notice that there really is no such thing as having it all. You can have a whole lot of little pieces of everything, basically do everything kinda half-assed or you can pick one thing and do it really well. This is as it pertains to me, anyways. The rest of you may have a more astute  grasp of your limitations and be able to balance things a little better than I. To my detriment, I tend to be an all or nothing type of gal.
When I have all my balls in the air and everything falls into place, it is wonderful. But I have to find a steady rhythm, and place my energy very strategically. It’s hard keeping all those balls in the air at the same time but it is totally worth it. The problem comes that once you get one iota off balance the whole thing comes crashing down.So, that doesn’t work for me either.
On the other hand, focusing on one task at a time has never been my strong suit. It feels like wasted time. I am a multi-tasker. How then can I find a way to balance it all? I feel that if I focus on only my children, I am doing them a disservice as a role model.Though I would be an awesome example as a Mother.  I feel that if I focus on a career, I am not only missing out on my children growing up but am also teaching them that a career is more important than family. I know it shouldn’t have to be one or the other but that’s the way it feels.
I want all my balls in the air in perfect symmetry; I want to have all the time in the world to see everything my children do as they grow up, I want to be revered for my mind and want a career that recognizes that, I want to be able to give my husband my undivided attention when he talks to me, I want a clean house, a healthy lifestyle for my family,a working relationship with God,friends, and family, and to breathe the fresh air of a beautiful country.I want happiness and fulfillment; not just contented pacification. I want it all! Any suggestions?

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