The TRUTH About Motherhood

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Memories;Priceless
Just going through old photos, my girls are sleeping, and it just reminds me that taking time to enjoy my girls is what really makes me happy. They will only be this age for a little while, I know that. I need to remember that. This is my reminder. They are so amazing and I am so lucky and blessed to be their Mommy! They are why I am who I am. They have made my life everything, I never knew, I always wanted. Happiness truly is the smile of your child, the sound of their laughter, their cuddles and snuggles.It is priceless.
2010/04/27
FYI, 4’s the new 16!
Have you heard that new saying that 40’s the new 20? Well, I don’t know who’s believing that load of crap but I’m pretty sure its not the 20 year olds and I’m fast approaching the 40 year end of the spectrum and I’m not believing it for a second. So, Oprah..please stop perpetuating this myth. First, there was the Million little Pieces guy and now this. Come on Oprah, just because you are spoon feeding it to us…some things I just refuse to believe. So, to be straight 40 is not the new 20, no matter how bad we want to believe it and 50’s not the new 30 either Oprah:)However, I am beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, 4 is the new 16. The other day, my 4 year old, who very frequently throws around “fact of the matters” and “Actually Mom…” spat out a “FYI..Grandma…” and then soon thereafter, floored me. We were on a road trip, we stopped at a rest area to avoid some bad weather, during a brief round of chit chat, I , funny Mommy that I am, cracked a very tiny joke at my 4 year olds expense. Now mind you, I thought this joke was about 100 miles above her head. No way she knew what I was talking about or even remotely that I was speaking about her. As far as I was concerned, all she knew was I was speaking to her in what I assumed sounded like Chinese (because it was so far out of her grasp of understanding) and I amused myself. It was late, I was slap happy, I giggled. To which my dear sweet 4 year old, with all the attitude of a 16 year old about to flee the premises with her newly issued drivers license ( or what I remember me being like at 16) looks at me, with her hand on her hip, her hip popped out, and her eyes rolling back in her head.These are the words that came flowing out of her mouth so seamlessly that I had to check myself for my own hearing, ” LoL Mom, LOL!!” Complete and utter silence, followed by the eerie sound of crickets. WTH??? Are you kidding me? I was so baffled that I was speechless. She used it in complete context. I don’t know where she learned to speak in IM language or if she really understood what she said but I do know that I don’t want to know the truth and I want my 4 year old to be 4. In a world where heels are made for newborns, low rise jeans are made for toddlers, and make up is almost a pre requisite for preschool….I choose to believe that this was a complete coincidence.as a sidebar, I have also decided I am going to make a concerted effort to not use the term “LOL”… ever again.
2010/01/17
Working out the weight Wednesday
Ok, so its come to my attention lately that apparently, I am not the only Mommy in the world (or even my circle) who is trying to figure out a way to raise a family, keep them healthy and happy, and ,while doing so, keep herself in shape. So, I am proposing that Wednesday, the until now dreaded “HUMP DAY” now become something positive for us Mommies. Let’s make Wednesday the day we come here and share weight loss tips, healthy recipes that taste good ( not ones that taste like cardboard, they help NO ONE!), workout routines that we like and enjoy,etc. I think it could be very positive and who can’t use some extra advice in this area? I mean, usually, we don’t just ask our friends ” Hey, you are in great shape. What do you do?” We’d like to, but we don’t. It’s a little awkward and kinda like asking your fertile friends what kind of sexual position worked best for them when trying to conceive. Sure, it could be beneficial to get some new moves in our arsenal and speed up the process but its a touchy subject and not everyone likes to share, plus how do you ask without sounding like a whack job?Same goes for weight loss. But if we had a place to exchange ideas, or just pick some up, I think it would be helpful. It certainly would for me:) I am currently doing a combination of Weight Watchers and Turbo Jam.Both I love. I started on September 25th of ’09, and have thus far lost a grand total of 25 lbs.It’s good but it could be better. I think I need to change up my food variety.Anybody got any great ideas for yummy,healthy recipes? Or what about tricks to get your kids to eat healthy foods? I have exhausted the Deceptively Delicious cookbook and need some fresh ideas. If my husband catches me sneaking cauliflower and sweet potato into his lasagna once more, it may be the end of me:)Any and all ideas welcome!
2010/02/10
Stupid people should not be allowed around children
I still don’t understand how you have to be 18 to vote, 21 to drink, 16 to drive, you have to pass a test to see, a test to drive, a test to do everything except to have a child. I think there should be classes offered for parenting before you are actually pregnant and even for being around children in general, and one must pass a test at the end of the learning period to proceed. As it is now, any fool can have a child and be around children; barring any felonies related to child misconduct but by that time the damage has been done. What I am referencing are people saying stupid things to children or not thinking before they speak to children.
Case in point; little boy and his brother 4 and 6 sitting in a room playing, visiting relative says ,”Oh look, its the cute one and the ugly one!” Before you ask, the parents, stood idly by as this train wreck took place and the “ugly” ones self esteem went up in flames.If I would have been there, I can assure you that I would have promptly punched said relative in the face!
Another case, little boy and his same-aged cousin run up to their Grandmother.Grandmother is annoyed with one of the boy’s Dad.The little boy says,”Grandma, I love you!” Grandma says,”I’m not your Grandma!” the little boy is devastated and left feeling unloved and inferior. No one says anything.WTH! Can you really be so loathsome and evil as to say something so obviously hateful towards a 4-year-old? You see what I am saying? I could go on forever with the things I’ve heard but instead, I’d like to illustrate another case.
A little girl is hyper and excited to see her grandparents and is jumping around and talking a million miles a minute. All she wants to do is catch them up.She is asking for Grandma because she wants to share all the details of the past couple of weeks. Grandpa looks at little girls and says, “She doesn’t want to hear about it! She has to go to bed, it’s late!” This was not said in a pleasant tone, it was short, it was curt, it was rude. Little girl’s heart is broken in that instant, she is deflated, she is confused and about to cry. Mommy speaks up,” Excuse me, don’t speak to her like that.She was excited and trying to share with you because she loves you.If you can’t appreciate that, your loss but DON’T speak to her like that ever again!”Mouth agape, tail between legs,in silence he agreed. It may have taken balls to stand up to the little girl’s grandfather but it had to be done in order to preserve her daughter’s self esteem, self worth, and self respect. The moral of the story is some people should NOT be allowed to be around children…ever! Seriously, there ought to be a law and a test. Bonus moral, if you ever over hear an idiot thoughtlessly berating a child, insert yourself into the situation, stand up for the child, and by all means, punch the mean bastard who is breaking the child’s heart square in the neck! Call it a service to mankind!
It may have taken balls to stand up to the little girl’s grandfather but it had to be done in order to preserve her daughter’s self-esteem, self-worth, and self-respect. The moral of the story is some people should NOT be allowed to be around children…ever! Seriously, there ought to be a law and a test. Bonus moral, if you ever overhear an idiot thoughtlessly berating a child, insert yourself into the situation, stand up for the child, and by all means, punch the mean bastard who is breaking the child’s heart square in the neck! Call it a service to mankind!

2010/03/01
Too Much Rock band…never!
My 2 year old just sat down at my desk in front of computer and promptly started chanting ( to the tune of the Blitzkreig Bop by the Ramones) “Hey Ho, let’s blog!Hey Ho, Let’s blog!!” LOL! Yeah, this is what happens when Daddy and Uncle have been playing rock band non stop for a few hours and obviously….Mommy blogs! It really is the cutest things that come out of my girls’ mouths.
For example; yesterday evening, we were driving back from a road trip and passed a refinery. My 4 year old, in all of her optimism and wonderment of the world, looks at the billowing puffs of smoke eluding the refinery and promptly says,” Look Mom, it’s a cloud factory! It’s where all the clouds in the world are made!” It was so cute and adorable, I said a silent ,”AWWWWWWW!” and then I shed a little tear because one day, in the not so distant future, she won’t look at the world this way.
Of course my 2 year old wasn’t going to be outdone. She yelled, “Look Bella, a big giant elephant!” (daddy likes to employ the pink elephant distraction technique.) To which Bella responds, “Where, Gabs?” Gabs, obnoxiously smart 2 year old, “No pink elephant…me joking!” It is amazing to me that a person who can not completely employ the English language can even understand the context of her joke, but she does.These moments happen daily in our home and are each precious and amazing to me. Sometimes, I wish I could just stop time and keep them this age forever but then I’d miss out on all the other great moments that come with growing up….first dates, driving, first loves, first heartbreaks, college, falling in love with their true loves, getting married, having babies, having a career, having it all and the three of us developing a friendship as they grow into women. So, I say to you tonight, too much rock band…Never! With every choice we make in our daily lives, we create memories and I say ROCK ON!!!

2010/03/04
Random acts of kindness
I’ve been mulling over something that I really want to instill in my children…random acts of kindness. I used to be one of those people who saw the bumper stickers and thought to myself, that’s great but..whatever. I mean really, who has times to run around randomly being kind to one another? And if you do, what do you get out of it? Unappreciative ignorance? That was me, a year ago, sarcastic, jaded, unappreciative me. Today, I am a believer in random acts of kindness.I’m more than a believer , I am a proponent:)
In the past year, my life has changed quite a bit. I have had to put my life in the hands of others and quite literally, be dependent on the kindness of strangers because I had no choice. I was new in town, I was friendless, I was completely out of my element, and what felt like a million miles from everything and everyone I knew. It all started with a Mommy, just like any one of you, who did not know me. We were in a MOPS group I joined. We were talking, first day chit chat, and she knew I was new to town. Asking how I was getting along in a new place, if I’d joined any other activities, etc. In passing, I mentioned that I wanted to join the local Stroller Striders but ,unfortunately, had left my stroller in my house ( we were transitioning, corporate housing and all that). This woman, this complete stranger, offered me one of her strollers. I was floored.What? Was this really happening? Was someone being generous and kind for no obvious reason other than to be a good human being and help a fellow human being out? What? What? What? That evening, that very same evening, she brought me a gently loved Nordic jogging stroller.I was amazed.
Then I met another friend,one of the most amazing women , I have ever met in my life. The kind of woman who at first glance you may think, who is this broad? Seriously, she was so “sweet” I kept thinking, is she crazy or is she for real. I had never met anyone like her, and am pretty sure I never will again. She met me, she put 100%into the friendship, and was a walking ball of random acts of kindness. One day I was feeling under the weather, and for no other reason than the fact that she is an amazing human being, she brought over lunch for my kids. Then dinner for my family that night. My kids were sick, she brought them treats and coloring activities. Random brownies would appear. OH, how we miss those brownies:)LOL These may not sound like big gestures but they were constant, timely, and randomly the kindest thing anyone could do..when I needed them most and expected it the least. This was just a very small amount of what she did for us, what she still does for me. Her kindness parlayed into an amazing sisterhood between the two of us. Because of her random acts of kindness, I now have one of the best friends I could have ever asked for. Her random acts of kindness have inspired me to want to be a better person, and that has to mean something.
Then there was yesterday, my daughter’s preschool teacher (which my daughter no longer attends due to our recent relocation) called us and had the entire class sing Happy Birthday to my 5 year old over her cell phone.This random act of kindness may sound like a very small gesture but to my 5 year old, who has just had to leave all of her amazing friends, school, routine and relocate this meant the world. The joy that gesture made, the effect that simple act of kindness that her teacher , another amazing woman by my standards, had on my daughter.That is something that I can never repay because it is priceless.
These are just a few of the random acts of kindness that I have experienced in the past year; there’s been chocolate for no reason at all, when I’ve needed it most. A hug when I’ve been sad, smiles when I’ve needed a little sunshine,girl talk and martini’s when I needed a breath, shopping and talking..its all about timing. Someone sitting a little longer with me at a gathering because I arrived late, someone giving me tickets to a concert for my kids that I couldn’t have gotten otherwise, there are so many random acts of kindness that I have been the recipient of that there are too many to mention. But if you know me, chances are you have perpetrated a random act of kindness in my direction. Thanks for making me a better person. Random acts of kindness are so special because they are selfless and sometimes someone’s small random act of kindness can mean the world to someone who really needs that kindness and love in their life at that moment. Kindness can never hurt , it can only help! So be amazing, save a life; BE KIND!
2010/03/11
Damn you Bree Van de Kamp!
Anyone who has ever read my blog knows that I am a super advocate of sisterhood. I think that cat fights between women are ridiculous and that if we all spent a lot more time being real and supporting each other, life would be so much better for all of us. Why does it always have to be a competition? My kid does this, does yours? My husband makes this much money, what does yours make? My house is bigger than yours. It truly is a pissing contest for women! I can keep the house immaculate, my kids listen to everything I say, sleep in their own beds, go to bed at a reasonable hour with no drama, they are reading at a 5th grade level @ the age of four, I eat but can not gain weight, my husband just keeps getting better looking, and my kids are absolute perfection, did I mention they eat absolutely everything I put in front of them. The laundry seems to do itself, I love to cook gourmet meals for every meal, I am completely organic, I made all the baby food and my babies only wore cloth diapers and drank organic, non tainted by caffeine or alcohol breasts milk. P.S. My shit doesn’t stink! I live in a mansion on the corner of bliss and perfection…or was that delusional and insanity? And you? OK, Bree friggin Van de Kamp…you are not real, you are some convoluted conjuring of what some crazy tv exec thought real life is…not even in the 1950’s, my brother sister!If we’d stop trying to make the other Mommies think we have it all under control without even breaking a sweat, maybe, just maybe we’d have some back up in the trenches instead of one more enemy trying to kill our spirits and crush our souls!
So, as if that is not bad enough, that we are all running around lying to each other about how perfect and easy our lives are, we are inadvertently (or maybe purposefully) making other women (Mommies ,specifically) feel like they are losers because they don’t think life is easy or perfect and neither are their kids and their husband. I mean ,myself, I’ve actually winced at the prospect of having to go to the grocery store, been brought to tears trying to figure out what the hell to wear out in public to drop my kids off at some class or other, the dishes make me want to kill someone ( actually just myself..I truly hate dishes!I am not above existing on paper products!), my girls still miraculously end up in our bed in the middle of the night, I have actually been reduced to feeding them cereal for dinner (only once..I promise)….though, I must confess, my kids are pretty perfect….to me! All kids are perfect to their parents! My point is my fellow desperate housewives, we would not all be so damn desperate if we could all just get along! Next time you feel overcome with the need to blow crazy smoke up your own ass, in a coffee induced fog of meanness, Please remember that Mommy that you are making feel 2 inches tall would probably serve you better as a cheerleader than as a doormat!
PSA: Please be kind to your fellow Mommies! She is not your enemy, she is your sister, your friend, your confidant, your tether to sanity!
2010/03/14
One of “those” days!!!
This day has been trying and over wrought with activities; big booming activities… kindergarten roundup, which meant waking my girls up from their sleep ( my rule on children and sleep is let them sleep until they wake)so waking them from their slumber bodes well for no one in the house, least of all me. After the emotional roller coaster that was Kindergarten roundup, we had lunch, a well intentioned but never coming to full fruition nap..uh oh! Oh yeah, uh oh is right! Then ballet class observation day. Tired ballerina is performing but somewhere in space not quite down on earth with the rest of us. But ,my God, is she ever adorable doing it! Her sister, completely berserk from her own self inflicted sleep deprivation is twirling around on the floor like a whirling dervish ( did I mention she is NOT in the class, but a mere bystander). I am trying to man the camcorder and the digital camera because my assistant is off on his gig in Iowa. So, there I am, in the throes of hell because of the chaos..I for one do not thrive in chaos. We make it through. Arrive at home, dinner time of course everything I am cooking my tired 2 year old says “No..MOMMEEEEEEEE. Me NO WANT!”but in the most long, drawn out, whiny voice ever heard by human ears. AND this , my friends, was the second third time this show took place today; once for every meal! At least she’s consistent. It was one of those I say black she said white days. She just didn’t want to do anything I asked her to do. I never really adhered to the whole terrible 2 thing, but this day just may have convinced me that they do ,in fact, exist! After much bargaining, on my part, when all it really needed was her big sister to say, “Boy I sure want to eat what Mommy’s making for dinner” she finally ate. Of course, that would have been way too easy.We make it through dinner (barely), I am biding my time until bedtime. If I can just make it through the next 2 hours, this miserable day will be almost to a close..Bedtime!Sweet, sweet bedtime! But first, there had to be outdoor play time on the jungle gym and SKYPE with Daddy.SKYPE with Daddy I understand, an absolute must but the swing set..really! After much threatening to call the cops and threatening that I would leave her with our elderly neighbor as a babysitter ( he’s really old, and really nice but granted he is a little creepy even to me..so I can’t imagine what he looks like through the eyes of a 2 year old..perhaps the crypt keeper? I know, I am awful!I’ll probably burn in hell for that alone.) if she did not put on her damn new crocs to go outside to play, it finally worked. I was frazzled, about to lose it. Again we made it through. Ok, the end was in sight. “Come on girls, lets go in wash up, get on our jams and SKYPE Daddy!”
“Me no want to, Me want to play outside with Bella!!!!!!!!”20 minutes later…we are inside, not finding any pajamas that my 2 year old deems acceptable. Then they are both in jams, its almost over. We finally SKYPE Daddy, the girls are out of control tired..more interested in jumping on my bed and seeing if they can cut their heads off in the ceiling fan than actually conversing with their Daddy.Everyone says goodnight. I end SKYPE, do the happy dance, put the oldest in bed and head off to get the youngest to sleep. Just as my 2 year old is finally drifting off, my 5 year old decides to have a full on meltdown. “I miss my Daddy!!! I want my Daddy!!!!” Crocodile tears the likes of which I have not seen …EVER. I send a picture to my husband on his cell phone. Come on, why should I have all the fun? I only wish that I had audio to accompany the photo for him to fully enjoy the experience!This, of course, woke the extremely over tired 2 year old up. Upon which, I promptly had to dig through photos in order to find them both photos of themselves with Daddy…to sleep with!My girls, or should I say Mommies little Drama Queens! All kidding aside, I understand her reaction..I kinda felt this way myself today. I officially do not like Mondays!
2010/03/23
Stress incontenince? WTH!!
What ever happened to doctor patient privilege? So, I am talking to the insurance company and they are asking me a few medical questions for the application. The nurse asks me about different conditions that I may have according to my medical history, “So, what about stress incontinence?” “Pardon me?? I am not familiar with that diagnosis or that term?” My God, I thought, was she asking me if I shit myself when I got stressed out? Was that even a ‘thing” a medical condition? If it was, I don’t have it. Never been diagnosed with it; certainly don’t want it! She explained, “It’s when you sneeze and there is a release of a small amount of urine.” “oh, you mean do I tinkle when I sneeze? Yes, occasionally if I sneeze really hard (thanks to my beautiful girls’ enormously gorgeous melons) sometimes I have to do the peepee dance so I don’t tinkle on myself. But its not always.” Come on, I’m not the only Mommy who has had this happen,right? She was really trying to be serious. Next question, “Do you require any treatment for this condition?”

Me: “Oh, you mean other than the peepee dance? Not really, just practicing my kegels!”
Nurse: “Any plans for treatment or corrective surgery in the future?”
Me: “No, its kinda like being ugly. You just have to learn to live with it!” At this point, she did let lose a pretty hefty giggle. And this concluded our interview. I am a little concerned that I am in a chart somewhere as a grown woman who tinkles on herself (just a little bit and just on occasion) but its better than what I had originally thought….One who poops on themselves in stressful situations! My goodness, my Masters degrees never prepared me for that term. Oh, the joys of Motherhood!
2010/03/26
A Toddler, a Preschooler and a Petulant Teenager!
With the current living arrangement due to the Big Guy’s career, we decided that I needed some help around the house with the girls. Luckily for us, I happen to know of a super, terrific Joe Jonas look alike ( according to my daughters and to their great enjoyment) a little brother who is a great help, when he chooses to be. The alternative was me a toddler, a preschooler, and a petulant teenager.
A couple of weeks ago my little brother came and helped enormously. It was priceless, the assistance that he gave. He was patient, understanding, funny, sweet, pliable, did I mention PATIENT. I mean way more patient than I think I am, at times, and I’m the Mommy. He’s one of those rare finds, that loves kids and just lets them jump, pull and hang all over him. Needless, to say I was impressed & was looking forward to an encore performance from my little brother.
READ ALSO: New Mom Monday
Last Wednesday, I picked him up and he escorted us downtown to a meeting for the girls at a modeling agency. He was very helpful and I couldn’t have managed without his help. Well, I could have but it would have been a much more difficult task.
But by Friday, my little Manny (Male + Nanny) apparently had enough and was evolving into a petulant teenager. He is, in fact, still a teenager. It started with my 5-year-old adamantly refusing to eat her apple sauce ( seems lately they refuse to do anything I actually want them to do). After about 10 minutes of her and
I going back and forth, the Manny looks her dead in her little blue eyes and says, “Eat it or I’ll throw it in your face!”
WTF???? Excuse me, crazy..if anyone is going to throw anything in anyone’s face…It’ll be me and until I reach that moment of complete insanity, it’s not going to happen.
“Excuse me? Don’t say that to my girls!”
Him: “I was just kidding.”
He wasn’t and if he thinks I am stupid enough to believe that well, then let’s say my little brother’s opinion of my intelligence must be pretty low! My five-year-old was in shock, and I think a little scared but mostly she just ignored it and filed his comment away for some future therapy session.
Come to think of it, this complete breakdown may have started on Wednesday when my 2-year-old refused to carry her own apple juice. The doting manny (fabulous uncle) put it in his coat pocket, only to find out that as he was walking around downtown Chicago he was leaving a trail of apple juice that was seeping through his new Pea coat’s pockets. What to do?
READ ALSO: I’ll Love You Forever
Now, instead of having help, I have a toddler, a preschooler, and a petulant teenager. Not fair! I want my sweet, helpful manny back. Do boys get PMS? Maybe that’s it. All I know is that the only way to deal with a toddler, a preschooler, and a petulant teenager is to take into consideration each of their ages and treat them each accordingly. My brother has been so helpful, it’s easy to assume he’s an adult but at the end of the day, he’s still just a giant child and that’s bad on me. The key to having 3 kids at three very different stages in their childhood is to treat them all as individuals; little people with feelings and hopes and dreams of their own.
Hopefully, he will wake up today and it will have passed. No matter what, look at how my girls love him! That’s gotta count for something.
A toddler, a preschooler, and a petulant teenager
2010/03/30