“Zayn MalikQUIT One Direction!” her voice cracked as she spoke these words. There was no talk of “flabby arms” amongst the ballerinas tonight only distress that Zayn quit One Direction. My girls are too young to care. I like One Direction. They won me over with Little Things. But this situation made me think, would you leave a high paying career behind to be happy?
I know the thought is terrifying. It’s a giant leap and many of you are shaking your head with a resounding, “Hell, no!” Money isn’t everything but it certainly is important. I’m with Zayn Malik on this one, life’s too short. You’ve got to get your happy! That’s exactly why I started The TRUTH about Motherhood. This is easy for me to say because I already took the leap. It’s always easier to be brave when you’re safely looking up from the bottom of the cliff than standing at the top about to take that first leap into the unknown.
Why did Zayn Malik quit?
He’s 22, he’s a millionaire and he just wants to be a regular guy. He wants to live while he’s young. I don’t blame him. Money can’t buy you happiness and fame will never get you privacy. I think he’s brave to choose happiness over money. I get that he’s an artist and from the outside looking in, he’s made it. He’s living the dream but maybe the fame part is too much to bear. Who knows, in a couple years, maybe he’ll come back as a solo artist. After all, he is only 22. Besides, there will still be a ONE DIRECTION, just minus Zayn.
Would you quit the job you have now to follow your dreams and pursue your passions if you had no children or responsibilities like Zayn Malik? Would pursuing your passions make you happier than what you’re currently doing?
For me, it was simple, I’d rather spend the rest of my life doing what I love and working my tail off trying to succeed than make a lot of money doing something that doesn’t make me happy. To me, success is defined by doing something I love and being there to enjoy the moments with the people that I love without having to run out, miss things or not be there when they need me.
I am a writer. I’ll probably never be a millionaire but I don’t care. I want to be happy. I am happy. I am able to be here for my children and the Big Guy when they need me. I get to travel the world, meet interesting people and do things that the average person doesn’t get to do in their entire lifetime because I write. I get to tell stories, share my life with others and get to know wonderful people all over the world from all walks of life. So, would I choose to take the less traveled path….again? Hell yeah.
I’m lucky. I am blessed because every single day. I get to live life on my terms and that is what I want for my children. I have to lead by example. I’m really lucky because I have a husband who completely believes in me and supports my dreams. I’m even luckier that he has a career doing something he loves that actually pays well. We have family around to help out when I need to travel.
Outside of my husband and daughters, I don’t think that most of my family and friends really understand what I do or how I came to choose this path. It chose me. I was presented with options, my fork in the road, when I was pregnant with my daughter. It took me 2 years to choose which path to follow. I was scared, just like you. What if I chose wrong? It wasn’t just about me. It was about all of us.
Still, I’m with Zayn, when given the choice always choose happiness. Choose to follow your bliss. It might not be the popular choice but if it’s right for you, you can’t worry about popularity. Be brave. Be happy.
Do you think Zayn Malik is crazy or crazy smart to choose his happy over money and fame?
Yesterday’s Be A Better Me (You) Challenge -Day 15 ~ Be honest with yourself How did you do? Did you eliminate the lies from your life? I am trying to be honest with myself about who I am, where I want to go or not go back to in life, what I want to be and do. There’s a lot of years of expectation and routine that need to be sorted through. It’s like peeling an onion and only by sorting through and crying a little will I find the me inside.
Today’s Be A Better Me Challenge- Day 16 ~ Relinquish the Mommy Guilt probably should have been day 1 challenge. After all, isn’t his a big part of what holds us back in living out loud? What version of ourselves would we be if there were no such thing as Mommy Guilt? Would we be less of a parent? Less of a good person? Or would we be the same, minus the crappy guilt side effect? How can we be our best “Me” if we are living by some one else’s standards? I’m here to tell you that guilt is a non beneficial, if not useless emotion. It’s like holding a grudge, all it does is expends energy that you could be using to enjoy your life rather than wallowing in a mistake. Wouldn’t you be willing to overlook a friend’s mistake or error in judgment? So why cant we forgive ourselves? I , for one, don’t want to waste my life feeling guilty ( I know in some instances its inevitable). I’d much rather be living up to my own standards. Today, I want to move through my day like water not held back by the quicksand of guilt. Today, I challenge you to live your life and not look back at what you may have or have not done wrong! Enjoy your day! Enjoy your children! Be you, minus the guilt.Be free!
Yesterday’s Be A Better Me (You) Challenge-Day 13 ~ Love yourself unconditionally Let’s just say that it will be one that I will be working on for the rest of my life. It’s probably my biggest fault and I will have to work at it consciously and continuously. I am trying to change the way I think about myself. My head knows that I am capable and worthy of all that life has to offer,sometimes my vision gets clouded by all the minutia of the day. That is exactly why I am doing this challenge because I want to be able to accept and love myself unconditionally but I also want to be the best me that I can possibly be for myself and as an example for my girls. I don’t want them to think that once they become Mommies they have to relinquish who they are. How am I supposed to tell them that they can have it all, if I show them that they can’t?
Today’s Be A Better Me ( You) Challenge – Day 14 ~ Pursue your passions Back on Be a Better Me Challenge – Day 2-Admit your goals I asked you all to admit, scream from the roof tops what your goals were in life. Tell anybody who will listen but no matter what you do, face up to them. Give them a fighting chance at coming to fruition. I hope you all did that. Now, today I want you to all do something to pursue that goal/dream. Mine is to be a published author. My blog is my portfolio. I started this blog to build my portfolio and to practice/ to pursue my life’s passion. I do it everyday. Everyday I feel like I am actively working on my dream , rather than just sitting on my ass and waiting for it to find me. I am taking next steps to expand my portfolio. I’ll keep you posted. I don’t want to speak of it yet because I don’t want to jinx myself. But I feel it, good things are on the horizon. I have adopted the Failure is NOT an option attitude. I have always thought that I could do anything but then things like time, exhaustion, places to be, things to do became an obstacle. I have to keep my eyes on the end result. I’m not stopping until I reach my passion and exhaust all my potential. Basically, I’m putting my money where my mouth is and I am going to be published or bust! Hope you will join me in taking some step towards making your dream a reality. Even if it’s just a baby step, a step in the right direction is better than sitting on your ass and waiting for the world to bend to your will. You will feel so much better taking this stand to reclaim your passion in life. Be warned: In doing this, you may actually reclaim the you who is hibernating inside.Please link up and share your dream/passion and what steps you will make to pursue them.
As many of you can attest to from being regular readers of this blog, when I am not tanned, I am the whitest Latina on the face of the earth. It was a 50/50 toss up what my skin was going to look like when I was born with my mother being porcelain Caucasian and my father being caramel colored Latino. There are six children and some of us stay tanned all year long and others of us have to work a little harder at it. Unfortunately, I am one who has to work hard at it. I’m pale like a vampire most of the winter unless I drag myself in to the tanning salon or get a spray tan, then I brown up like a beautiful bronze goddess. I love looking like a bronze goddess. As pale as my complexion gets in the winter months, one would assume I would just spark up and ignite once I got in the sun.
When I was a teenager and in my carefree early 20’s, I spent my summers sunbathing on the beach and my winter’s lying in a tanning bed. I know, it is so horrible for your skin; wrinkles, freckles and cancer; all so not worth looking sun kissed. Though, I’ve realized over the years that everyone looks better tanned. We just look healthier, happier, and more carefree. When we’re pale, unless you’re Nicole Kidman, the rest of us pretty much just look like we’re sick. I don’t want to look sick, especially not now that I am getting older. I want to look and feel my best.
It’s hard enough feeling good about the way you look when you are living in a new post baby body, sporting luggage under your eyes, can’t even remember the last time you shaved your legs and the mommy brain is making you forget everything else. As a mom, I have no time for the little luxuries that used to be staples in my days; pedicures, manicures, massages, tanning and sleep. God, how I miss my sleep. Between no time, less money to spend on myself, and the whole having to put someone else’s needs before my own, I have just let them go. Lately though, I’ve been really feeling like I need to add those things back into my world. I need to be a priority in my own life.I mean to be a good mom; I need to take time to feel good about myself, right? We deserve that and our daughters deserve a good role model.
I know this about me, when I look better, I feel better. When I feel like I’m dressed nicely and my hair, nails, make-up are done, it makes me feel more confident in all areas of my life. Saying it out loud sounds a little vain but honestly, if I feel more confident, I carry myself differently, the world reacts differently to me; it makes me a better mommy to my girls because I am showing them that it’s perfectly ok to make themselves a priority in their lives and bonus, your husband is going to start to see you as a sexual being again and not just the mother of his children. We all deserve that.
Motherhood is a great thing and we shouldn’t be walking around looking like we’ve been given a life sentence. I mean in the first couple of years, it’s nearly impossible to afford yourself these little luxuries because you are so busy dogpaddling through motherhood but once you get your bearings, make the time to make yourself a priority. You deserve it.
These days, I still don’t have the time to spend hours at a spa getting hair, pedicures, manicures, massages and tans done but I can surely take the time after the kids are in bed to do at home treatments like hot oil treatments for my hair, Bliss Spa treatments for my body, face, feet and hands and an at-home St. Tropez instant tan. At home treatments have come along way, you don’t have to go from ivory to orange streaked these days, you can become a bronze goddess in the comfort of your own home for a fraction of the price of hitting the salon.
Why not take the time to make yourself a priority in your life? Whatever makes you feel like you; whether it be primping, new clothes, reading a good book, taking a long hot bath, exercising or just dancing around your bedroom listening to your favorite tunes, do it! You deserve it and, as I’ve learned through 8 years of motherhood, they’ve got to sleep sometime!
What do you do to make yourself a priority in your own life?
Disclosure: This is a sponsored post by St. Tropez but all opinions are my own.
I hear friends say all the time, “Oh ,how I would love to be 18 again!” I never really thought about it because, to be honest, I feel about 18 on most days. But this past weekend, I was trying to show my girls how to do a back bend. Yes, you heard me a right…a back bend. I have every intention of showing them how to back bend, somersault, cartwheel, back flip, split, roller skate, ice skate..all of it. I never , ever took into consideration that I am not actually 18 anymore. I am more like two 18 year olds.Fuck, I am the sum total of two, non jail bait, grass on the field ( well, technically not) Miley Cyrus’. Shit, I feel old. After,I commenced to show them how to walk down the wall and gracefully (ahem) and easily (bwahahaha) come into a back bend. I stood up and not only did my back hurt, my thighs hurt, and not only did they hurt, my wrists hurt ( from bearing the weight of my entire body) and even my shoulders and clavicle ached. WHAT? Who am I? When did this happen? I work out and I have been lifting littles consecutively for almost 6 years but obviously there is no substitute for youth. You know that thing most of us squander on late nights, tanning beds, one night stands, hangovers, and making complete asses of ourselves?
So, it got me thinking..maybe I would prefer to “go back” but not to 18 ( No way..that was high school before all the “real” fun began) Here are 10 reasons that I’d want to be 25 again:
I was in the best shape of my life.I’m not going to lie;I was working out like a maniac and I was a whopping 113 lbs at almost 5’8″. I was hot! ( Did I really just say that?) I could eat just about anything I wanted without ramification. Between my high metabolism,constant working out and an unhealthy side order of eating disorders I was set ~Of course, if I were still that size, there is no way I could wrangle these two beautiful giants I have given birth to. They’d pull me off in every which direction, like the dog does.
I could function on NO sleep and still look glowing and be in a pleasant..honestly chipper mood. How I could use this trait now. I never sleep, my eyes look like I am hoarding luggage, not Louis Vuitton luggage some really cheap knock off JC Penny luggage, it is not pretty. How I would love to be able to wake up and not need to head directly for the Keurig. Or just wake up and be in a great mood for my girls.
It was the year I had my first very own apartment BY MYSELF,with no roomie of any sort.Do I even need to say more? Not that I don’t love sharing my life with the Big Guy and my girls, but does it have to be EVERY waking moment. I just want to be able to walk into a room, sit down in a chair and take a breath for 5 minutes without someone or something needing something from me. To just be. I hear all of you sighing, I know you know what I mean.
I had a million friends. I had so many friends, it was ridiculous in a really fabulous way. I always had plans and places to go , people to see…people and things I actually wanted to do, not was obligated to do. You know how hard it is to make a good Mommy friend. It’s like winning the lottery. First you have to find a woman that you like,then she needs to have kids that you like and your kids can get along with ( no punching, biting, body slamming or fights tot he death over sippy cups or Barbie dolls) and then ( If the fates allow) your husbands have to get along. In 11 years of marriage and almost 6 years of having children, I have 2 friends who meet this stringent criteria. 2!!!! Oh, how I miss my million friends.
I had a killer wardrobe. I didn’t have a lot of money because I was still in college BUT I had that rocking body and great taste.I’m not sure if it was the rocking body that made everything look good ( you’ve heard the saying “She’d look good in a paper bag”? Well, that was me for a few years), or that damn fresh glowing skin, or if the clothes were just that cute. Maybe it was because I actually bought myself clothes.Or maybe it was because I was always out and was super aware of what was in style and what was not. I don’t know. All I know is I had a smoking wardrobe and shoe collection. Man, I miss being selfish.
I was free spirited and fun loving.I could nap if I was tired, eat when I was hungry, go out, stay in, hop in the car and go for impromptu road trips. Now, everything I do has to be scheduled and coordinated in advance. So much for spontaneity.7 bags and a stroller have to be packed. Snacks, DVDs, kids music, milk,toys, games, babies, extra clothes, umbrellas, jackets,boots,…my head is spinning just writing this list. I always have to be expecting the unexpected and more than that, prepared for the unexpected.It’s exhausting.
I had no responsibilities.I had no bills! NO BILLS! Rent and cable, that makes me laugh.I can barely keep a straight face thinking about how simple I was. I would actually blow a damn donkey at this point in my life to have NO BILLS! No mortgage.No utilities.No SCHOOL loans. No tuitions. No car payments. NO SCRIP. No credit car bills. No consolidation loans. No organic groceries. No ballet.No Homeowners association dues.Of course, with all these “bills” comes the life we want for our girls so I guess this is the price of suburban domesticity.I have a love hate relationship with it. I love it. I hate paying for it. Well, I hate paying through the nose for it.
My skin was glowing, my body was supple and flexible.Youth! Talk about not knowing what you’ve got til its gone ( Damn you, Cinderella and your crazy lyrics) I took everything for granted because it was just there at my disposal. Now, I am having to work double time to moisturize me skin, stay fit and healthy the right way, and be able to do simple things like teach my girls the back bend and splits without herniating something or ending up in traction. I just wish I wasn’t having to spend more time of the less time I have available to simply do maintenance.
I had finally figured out my place in the world and I was full of self confidence ( not as much as I am today but pretty close).More importantly, I exuded confidence. I actually felt comfortable in my own skin or as close as I could at that time. Then motherhood came along and, even though it is the most awesome thing I will ever do and it is so important to me, it knocked me on my ass. It made me lose confidence in who I was and what I could do. I had no training and I am a perfectionist. By becoming a mother, in a lot of ways, I had to relinquish control. This leaves me feeling less than adequate at times and not so comfortable in my skin. But I’m working on it and I’m getting there. It sure would nice to have some of that confidence or maybe it was blissfully, happy naivete back.
I spent every waking moment with the Big Guy.The Big Guy and I met and within a week we were dating exclusively. We literally spent every waking moment ( with the exception of when we were supposed to be in class) together and it was never enough. That year is when we got engaged.He was my drug and I could not get my fill.There was never a lull or hesitation, just constant inquisition and even our quiet was full. These days, we only get to see one another on the weekends. The problem is we feel the same.He’s still my drug and I can’t get enough of him in my life. I love him and like him with every fiber of my being, even when I am exhausted and overwhelmed and overextended. He is my reprieve. He is my soft place to land. I want to spend more waking moments with this man. What a great example of a strong relationship for our daughters we could be if we were in the same place. I’m working on that too.
In recollection, my 25th year seems like it was my golden year ( which literally it was) but there was one thing seriously lacking from that year that I would not trade all the rest for, not even all the wonderment and freedom of youth…my girls. If I need to work a little harder to lose 10 pounds, sleep a little longer, moisturize a little more, eat a little less, save a lot more, it’s all worth it in the end.I’d rather be right where I am today than 25 and not with my girls. Babies, even at my best…I’m better with you!
Tonight, I settled into my Sunday evening quiet by turning on the television and mindlessly flipping the dial. I stopped on Extreme Makeover. I NEVER stop on Extreme Makeover, mostly because at some point in the show I will end up crying. Sunday’s are usually bad for me anyway so I figure why add fuel to the fire. But tonight, something was different…Extreme Makeover was calling to me.
Photo courtesy of Google image
The show tonight was about the Brown family. The day was like any other day. Alex Brown’s father, Johnny Mack, gave her a kiss on the forehead before he left for work and told her to be good, something I’ve seen the Big Guy do a million times with our own girls. Something, most of us do an a daily basis. We take a deep breath, kiss those little loves of our lives Goodbye for now and go out into the world or send them out into the world. Only that day, in November of 2009, was not like any other day, it would turn out to be the worst day of the Brown family’s life. That was the day that Jeanne and Johnny Mack Brown lost their daughter, Alex, a senior in high school, got into a 18-wheeler accident.
Katrina, her sister, lost her big sister and mentor in life. While driving to school, Alex was texting, she was distracted, lost control of her vehicle and rolled her pick up truck according to what the truck accident attorney mentioned.
This beautiful promising life, about to go off to college and make a difference in the world, was crudely ejected from the vehicle through the windshield, only to have her truck roll on top of her, crushing her and ultimately causing injuries that proved fatal. People who have miraculously survived tragic accidents like this but are unfortunately and severely disabled can seek the legal assistance of social security attorneys in order to have the compensation that they need especially for the medical expenses.
I can not even imagine the pain and loss Jeanne and Johnny Mack Brown feel on a daily basis. To honor her memory, they spend all their free time traveling to area high schools showing Alex’s rolled truck to other students to demonstrate the possible dangers of texting while driving, spreading the message as far as their funds and abilities will let them.
They have made it their life’s mission to stop other families from suffering such a great loss by giving advice to other with the help of indianapolis truck accident lawyer.
Now, I’m not going to lie..I am a drive and text sort of person. ( Well, I was… up until tonight). I know it’s wrong. I know it’s dangerous and could lead to car accidents. Yet, I find myself doing it constantly. But tonight, when I watched this episode, it hit me…what if I were texting and my girls were in the car ( as they usually are)? I could wreck and kill them. KILL THEM! Let that sink in for a moment. Obviously, I don’t want to die but I can’t live with the possibility of putting my littles in danger. Not to mention what a horrible example I am setting for them. Let’s say for a minute that I am the exception and I’m lucky enough to avoid any disasters but one day, in the not so distant future, Bella or Gabs could get into a vehicle and mimic just what they’ve seen their Mommy doing…texting while driving. God forbid they get into an accident themselves and, or worse still, die. So, tonight, I went to the Remember Alex Brown website and I signed the pledge. I know this sounds hokey and out of character for me. I know I am snarktastic and have mocked Oprah for her pledge against this very thing. But I am big enough to admit when I have been wrong. It just took me a bit to see the error of my ways. I’ve decided that I refuse to put my children in that kind of danger, my family through that kind of pain or have any part in perpetuating this behavior in my children’s lives. I signed the pledge and I WILL NOT text while driving…ever again. I also what you to learn this here now that you can still file a claim on an accident that you were partially at fault in. I hope that you will take this pledge with me. I don’t really care if you electronically sign a pledge to a foundation, but I ‘d like you all to commit to not texting while driving. Think of yourself..think of your children! The life you may be saving by NOT texting while driving…may be the one that you helped to bring into this world.
Thinking of reentering the job market? I am currently looking to reenter corporate America. I took my dream job last summer. Unfortunately, it was for a boss who didn’t understand the value in the position. Even though it was brief, it was spectacular (aside from the toxicity and bigotry we were subject to during the meetings). But all lunacy and offense aside, dipping my toe back in to the corporate pond has me excited about finding a forever home with a new company. I’m more excited than when I got my first writing job and that is saying a lot.
Looking for a job can be daunting, especially in today’s competitive job market. With so many available options, it can be difficult to determine which job best fits your skills, interests, and career goals. It’s been brutal. To make the process easier and more effective, it’s important to consider various factors before applying.
When looking for a job, consider the following:
Your skills and experience
Finding opportunities that align with your skills and expertise is important when looking for a job. That itself will increase your chances of success and job satisfaction. When you have the necessary skills for a job, you are more likely to perform well and positively impact the company. This can lead to career growth and advancement opportunities. Your experience is also an essential factor to consider. Employers typically look for candidates with relevant experience in their field, so having that can make you a more competitive candidate. Your experience can demonstrate your ability to handle the job’s responsibilities, work ethic, and reliability. It can also show that you have a proven track record of success in your industry, which can be a valuable asset to a potential employer.
The industry you want to work in
One important consideration is the industry in which you want to work. For instance, if you’re interested in the digital marketing industry, you may want to consider options that are not only a good fit technically but are a good fit company culture wise. Bonus points for being able do something you are talented at and love. When you work in an industry you are passionate about, you are more likely to enjoy your job and feel fulfilled. Moreover, it can impact your career growth and opportunities. Different industries have different career paths and opportunities for advancement. For example, some industries may have a strong culture of promoting from within, while others may offer more lateral moves or opportunities to move between companies.
In addition, considering the industry you want to work in can help you stay up-to-date with industry trends and innovations, as is true for the industry I’ve chosen. This can be especially important in rapidly changing industries, such as technology, digital marketing or healthcare. By working in an industry that is constantly evolving, you can stay ahead of the curve and continue to develop your skills and expertise. I am continuously taking courses, attending webinars, reading up on new trends in the field, joining groups in my industry and getting certifications. Doing all of this can also help you build a network of contacts and connections in your field over time. This can be valuable for future job opportunities or collaborations and for keeping up with industry trends and developments, so keep this in mind.
Work-life balance
Work-life balance is so important in today’s world. Achieving a healthy balance between work and personal life can help you feel happier and avoid burnout. Being overwhelmed and never decompressing is not good for you or your work performance. Feeling stressed and exhausted when work takes up too much of your time and energy can lead to physical and mental health issues, such as chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and other illnesses.
On the other hand, you are more likely to feel energized, focused, and motivated when you have a healthy balance between work and personal life. This can lead to better job performance, increased productivity, and higher-quality work. Likewise, considering work-life balance when looking for a job can help you build stronger relationships with your family and friends. Having time for personal pursuits and relationships can help you feel more connected to your loved ones and strengthen your support network. It can also help you pursue personal interests, hobbies, and a sustainable routine.
Growth opportunities
A job that offers growth opportunities can help you develop new skills, take on new challenges, and advance your career over time. I don’t know about you but when I’m excited about something, I’m more likely to roll my sleeves up and jump in. I love a challenge so when I have the opportunity to learn new skills or take on new challenges, I get excited and throw my whole heart and soul into my work. It’s a win-win and can help you achieve your long-term career goals. By taking on new challenges and developing new skills, you can build a strong foundation for your career, stay competitive in your domain, and increase your earning potential over time.
In doing this, you get the chance to work with new people and build relationships with colleagues and industry experts, so feel free to consider this.
This can be valuable for future job opportunities, collaborations, and mentorship. Furthermore, growth opportunities can help you feel a sense of personal and professional fulfillment. While continually learning and growing, you are more likely to feel a sense of purpose and accomplishment in your work. This can be an important source of motivation and help you maintain a positive outlook on your career.
What is your biggest thing to consider when looking for a job?
Telling my daughters was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. My husband decided to tell them the truth out of concern for me. My 4-year-old has been begging to be a big sister and he was afraid that in my fragile state, her relentless requests would be to torturous for me to endure. I think we should not of told her. My 4 year old took it especially hard. She is devastated. All I can do is cry.
The morning of my D& C, I awoke at 3:30 A.M. My 4 year old woke soon after and wanted to say good-bye to the baby. She put her arms around me and whispered quietly to my belly, “good bye, baby. I love you!” Then she begged me to get a photo of her baby for her. My heart broke into a million tiny pieces. Then she looked up at me and said, “ Maybe if I knew the baby was in your tummy I could have loved the baby more and he wouldn’t have died.” I whimpered, holding back the flood of hurt and pain that wants to come crashing out and consume the entire world. I have failed her and cannot give her what she’s wanted so badly.
5:30 am May first, 2012. It was a warm Tuesday morning. I walked into the hospital feeling lost and discombobulated, in a fog. We slowly made our way to the registration desk. It all seemed otherworldly, like it was a bad dream and wasn’t really happening but I couldn’t make myself wake up.
After what seemed like an eternity they called us back to prep for surgery. All I could think of we’re my children; my oldest trying to understand and comfort her sister, my youngest mimicking my inner breakdown, completely distraught that the baby was dead, and my baby who I loved so desperately but would never have the chance to hold, to look into his/her eyes, to kiss and nuzzle their tiny head.
Everyone was extremely kind to me that morning and I will always be thankful for their kindness. The kindness of strangers has truly helped me to survive the last few days. I’ve realized that sometimes its easier to speak to those who don’t really know you because they can offer an empathetic kindness and understanding unlike those who love you and have known you your entire life, because they are too vested and behind their love and support, you can see the pain and heartbreak they share with you and sometimes the burden of causing that pain is too much to bear.
The doctor arrived and I told her that I needed one last ultrasound to be certain there was no heartbeat. I. Had.to.be.certain! There was no heartbeat only a beautiful, perfect baby with a profile that reminded me of my oldest. I was thankful for one last look and asked for the ultrasound photos so that I could grant my daughter at least this one simple request. I did not get overly emotional. I did not cry. I had my photo. In had my proof. Proof that my baby ever existed.
The procedure was explained to me in ad nauseum and I was reassuringly told that it would be over in ten minutes. I found that to be the most unsettling thing of all that my entire life could be altered, my baby’s lifetime of promise and all of our hopes and dreams completely gone in a matter of ten minutes.
Tuesday morning my life was changed forever. I am not the same woman I was yesterday or the day before. She is gone. I am part of a new club, the saddest club ever. The one filled with all the mothers of the world who never got to meet their babies. That morning, one of the worst of my life, I met 4 of the kindest nurses I’ve ever met, 3 out of the 4 had experienced miscarriages. Each time they offered their sympathies and shared their own loss, I found myself feeling overwhelmed by my sadness for their loss.
I feel like a raw open wound and the wound is my heart and I’m not sure it will ever truly heal. I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster in hell and I cannot get off and I so desperately want to. I just want my mind to quiet and my heart to stop hurting so badly. I just want to survive. A quote was sent to me by one of my readers and it made me cry but I think it is beautiful, so I am sharing it here.
“An angel in the Book of Life wrote down our baby’s birth and whispered as she closed the Book: “Too Beautiful for Earth!” ~Anon
It ‘s beautiful to think of it that way but it doesn’t stop the pain. I hope someday, I will meet my baby again and get the chance to hold him/her in my arms, kiss her upon her cheek and be his Mommy.
*This and the previous post were written in my notes on my phone, as I was experiencing the hell of this week. It was written in a very vulnerable state and it may not make sense, or there may be misspellings or grammar issues, or jump all over the place because it’s hard to write logically when your world is falling apart and you can barely see to write through the tears and swollen eyes.
First, to introduce myself, I am known as Truthful Mommy ( because I am painfully honest) but I also answer to Mommy(kids), Babe(husband), Honey(Mom), Sugar(Grandma), Sexy, (Eric from True Blood…in my dreams) and occasionally Debi. I am a 37 year old Mommy to two amazing little girls, Bella and Gabi, who are simultaneously my heaven and occasional sources of hell on earth. I am married to my college sweetheart and we just celebrated our 11th anniversary. Random facts, I am equally addicted to my children, my husband, my Iphone, my computer,and my camera…not necessarily in that order! If I could do anything in the world, I’d have the exact same life but my husband would not have to live in another state for work (maybe he could co stay home with me:), money would not be an ever present thought, and I could write for a living while traveling the world with my husband and girls; experiencing the languages, cultures,religions, and beauty of the world. I have finally realized what I want to do with my life, or rather just decided to have the guts to pursue it. It only took 37 years! I always knew that I wanted to be a Mommy ( I come from a family of 6 brothers and sisters) but the rest I’ve thought I knew but its changed over the years. I think, my entire life has brought me to this point and prepped me to embark on this journey to pursue my dreams with passion, enthusiasm and a no failure attitude and to exhaust all avenues of potential afforded to me. It’s go big or go home! I’m not a quitter, so I’m making my declaration of reaching for the stars!
1.) Why do you blog?
I blog because I am a writer and my dream is to either have a column, a book, or both and in the end.. My dream is to follow in the footsteps of Dooce, Motherhood Uncensored, Finslippy, and the Pioneer Woman!
2.) What do you blog about?
I blog about what I know; my life, Motherhood, as I know it, being a wife and a woman. I try to do it all with honesty and openness because there is nothing I hate more than women making other women feel shitty about not being perfect. If I can make 1 woman feel like she is not alone in the trenches of Motherhood, and if I can do that through letting her laugh at me or see my flaws, I feel like I have exceeded my hopes!
3.) What do you find to be the biggest reward you get from blogging?
The biggest reward I have gotten from blogging is a surprising one. As I said, I started this blog as a means to an end ; a way to chronicle my girls as they grow up and the emotions, feelings, and enormity of all that Motherhood and this time of my life encompasses but also as a way to hone my skill in writing. In addition to these things,the reward I have actually gotten that means the most is the community of readers that I have had the pleasure of meeting.I thought I’d be helping other women through their difficult days but, through my honesty in my posts, I have gained a community of support and friendship that helps me get through the difficult days! Thanks Ladies ( and a couple brave gentlemen)!
4.) How long have you been blogging?
I started my blog in May of 2009 at the urging of a friend of mine who is a professional writer. She told me that it would be a great way to build my writing portfolio and fine tune my skills. Then life happened, we moved, and I didn’t get back to it full time until we moved again in February of 2010. So I guess I have been blogging full time for about 6 months but had my site up and running for 6 months previous to that.
5.) Let’s hear the story behind your blog title! 🙂
The Story behind my blog title “The TRUTH about Motherhood” is that I want to give it to women straight. I am a no holds barred, straight shooting Mommy who doesn’t sugar coat the bad days, but I also don’t hold back on the good ones.I read every book I could get my hands on before I actually had my first baby, but in the end nothing prepared me for the reality of pregnancy, labor,delivery, and Motherhood in all of its glory. I want to change that. I want women to have a place where they can come and read my truth ( which is likely very similar to theirs) not the truth according to Bree Van de Kamp!
Funny story, a few weeks ago, I started getting dizzy while driving. Scared the sh*t out of me…Okay, not so funny. Anyways, went to the doctor and surprise (no surprise I’ve battled eustachian ear issues my entire life) and I had not only an acute sinus infection (no surprise there either…chronic sinusitis is my life) but also had an inordinate amount of fluid in my ears (Duh, I could feel it sloshing around in there teetering between itching and hurting for almost 2 months…again nothing new). But the getting dizzy while driving my kids, was new and I did not like it. Is this perimenopause, menopause, cancer, dementia or low blood sugar?
Needless to say, that sparked a series of way overdue anxiety attacks. I mean come on, I’ve kept my shit together pretty well these past couple of pandemic years but some things got to give. If we’re being really honest, and if you know me you know that I am, my first thought at the dizziness which I’ve never experienced in this way (in waves) was a brain tumor ( long story short, I’m chronically afraid that God is going to use my big brain and big boobs against me and in the end they will take me out #pandemictriggeredhypochondriac). My doctor assured me, “Nope, Debi your heart, lungs and everything else is fine but your ears are a mess.”
So I went on a high dose of antibiotics with a side of Diflucan (because what would an ear infection be without a side of a yeast infection to add insult to injury? I mean if you don’t get an itchy vagina to go along with your sinus pressure and vertigo, did it even happen?) and something for the anxiety that the dizziness triggered (what if I blackout while driving my kids and we all die?) but since I have high blood pressure (controlled but still diagnosed) that’s all I got…not a damn thing to dry up all that fluid stuck in my head.
Disclosure: Some of the products mentioned in this post were sent to me for review purposes. All opinions and gynecological misadventures are all my own.
Fast forward to the week I was finishing up my antibiotics and I woke up in the middle of the night, not once, not twice but three times soaked from my shoulders up in the middle of a full-on panic attack. Sorry to say, I’ve battled my fair share of demons in my life ( #fullymanicteensandtwenties) and I am not about that in my head life. It’s a dark and scary place and I’d prefer not to live there for very long. So, I did what any sane person would do, I called my doctor and my gynecologist because eureka…this bitch is almost 50 and maybe it’s time to admit reproductive defeat. Maybe I’m (gulp) perimenopausal or even menopausal. I mean, it could happen.
Ever since I had my hysterectomy in 2018 and have been living that 1 ovary life, I’m basically waiting to become reproductively challenged. I know this. Every day of estrogen is a gift. Shit, my baby sister went through menopause a few months after having her baby a couple of years ago and didn’t even know it ( God really said…you are done) so, me, being 5 years older, it’s just a matter of time.
Let me share some knowledge with you, I’ve always been an alpha ( if you know you know) if you got anywhere in my orbit, I would pull you onto my cycle ( ask my sisters and my daughters). I knew exactly when I ovulated ( day 14) and menstruated ( day 28), I could literally feel it. I haven’t had a period in almost 4 years because I don’t have a uterus but every month, I still get PMS and every other month, I can feel my ovulation. I know when my girls get their periods because I get their bloating and munchies.
However, my husband did good choosing in that crucial left ovary, right ovary moment ( it was decided after I was under because someone forgot to ask me before) because this girl, she’s a boss. She will not go quietly into that good reproductive night. Girlfriend is keeping us in the game but alas, those hot flash/cold sweats and anxiety, what else could it be. It must be the reproductive grim reaper coming for me.
I made an appointment with my gynecologist and left it to God. I resigned myself to the fact that I’m at the very least perimenopausal if not menopausal and it was time to get myself some estrogen, progesterone, supplement, patch or black cohosh (only not black cohosh because it would surely make this bipolar 1 manic woman full-on manic.periodt. and nobody wants that.)
Yesterday, I went to see Nina ( that’s my gynecologist, we’re on a first-name basis because we’ve been together over a decade and been through cancer scares, a miscarriage, a D& E, another surprise in office ( no anesthesia) D&C when she removed multiple cups of blood from my uterus after my fibroids literally tried to kill me and ultimately a hysterectomy and, I thought to myself, now….the death of my femininity aka the pause. But after an offer of Paxil ( no thank you…manic people shouldn’t take anti-depressants if they can avoid it) then estrogen, we resigned ourselves to the fact that our perimenopause or menopause journey together had begun but first, let’s make sure ( because I need proof for everything…how can I fix it if I don’t know what’s broken?) and we did a blood draw to get my hormone levels.
Guess what? Congratulations, I’m not perimenopausal or menopausal or any other pausal. I’m 100% normal hormone levels. To say I was surprised is an understatement. To say I was relieved is more like it because even though I know I am knocking on reproductive invisibility’s door, I’m not ready. Not really. The same way I wasn’t ready for my first period, my last period or any of my pregnancies because even though you read all about it and plan for it, you can never be ready but it still happens.
I feel like maybe this is the universe’s way of giving me a 5-minute warning, Debi, get your health in order because soon, it won’t be a false alarm and you need to be prepared so drink your milk, workout, eat more healthily, get that weight in check, moisturize, drink your water, play soduku and, for the love of all that is holy, make peace with your anxiety because one day those hot flashes and triggered panic attacks are going to be triggered by hormones (just like your migraines and hypomania used to be). I’ve never been so excited to just be “normal” whatever that means.
Here’s a list of some of the things I’ve been doing to prioritize me.
I’ve recently tried some new Reset 360 products to help increase my protein and reduce my carbohydrate intake. I’m a diabetic but I think it’s a pretty good idea for everyone to keep an eye on what’s going in their body.
The Decadent Dark Chocolate Chip Cookie is a soft-baked plant protein cookie that tastes delicious and delivers healthy plant protein.
Bite fuel Power Bites
Double the chocolate, double the gains! These little guys are packed with so much chocolate that if you leave them in your milk, you will have chocolate milk after 5 minutes. They are soft, chewy, and really pack a chocolatey punch and each bag contains 18 gm of protein,
They’re called Super Greens because they are mega packed with superfoods like wheatgrass, spirulina, kale, spinach, plus 6 more! It makes getting the right amount of veggies easy. With Super Greens you can make healthy eating easy without struggling to eat pounds of vegetables each day.
A plant-based protein shake that may help support overall health, ideal weight, & digestive strength. Creamy, delicious flavor that blends smoothly, and provides exceptional nutrition.
Protein-packed, dark chocolate goodness with only 2 grams of sugar- sounds like a dream come true. With all organic ingredients and 10 grams of plant protein, this bar is the perfect anytime snack. 6g of dietary fiber in every bar keeps you satisfied for hours without weighing you down. keep these bars nearby during break times for a pick me up when there’s no time for a full meal.
I’ve also been cutting out animal byproducts as much as possible. I am not currently a full-time vegetarian but I do prefer vegetarian meals over meat options and it’s better for my health to choose leaner and cleaner foods. I love to bake so I’ve been swapping out regular flour, dairy
LESS FAT and FEWER CALORIES: Chocolate is a staple in most households, but it can make people feel guilty because it is often associated with candy and sugary treats. Our Organic Cacao Powder provides you with a more nutritious alternative to regular chocolate. Our chocolate has the same great flavor as ordinary cocoa with the added benefits of organic cacao and less guilt.
NON-DAIRY MILK: Oatsome delivers a mild, creamy flavor—without dairy, nuts, added sugar, or any artificial ingredients. Now you can enjoy milk without discomfort from lactose or other components.
REFINED SUGAR ALTERNATIVE: Organic Coconut Sugar makes an excellent 1 to 1 ratio (spoon-for-spoon) replacement to refined white sugar. That means it’s easy to switch out white sugar or artificial sweeteners for BetterBody Foods Organic Coconut Sugar in simple meals and gourmet recipes. The possibilities are endless.
LOW ON THE GLYCEMIC INDEX: BetterBody Foods’ Organic Coconut Sugar is naturally low on the glycemic index. This means that it doesn’t raise your blood sugar as quickly as refined sugars do, so you can have the sweetness of sugar in naturally sweet coconut sugar without the associated insulin spike.
POWDERED PEANUT BUTTER: All-natural PBfit has 87% less fat and almost 1/3 the calories of regular peanut butter. Made from roasted and powdered peanuts, it has real peanut flavor without the high fat.
PROTEIN POWER: With 8 g of protein in one serving of natural PBfit, you’ll get a boost of protein right before your workout. Add it to your morning shake or smoothie for a creamy peanut butter taste.
This whole-grain, organic oat flour makes a great alternative to traditional flour for anyone with sensitivities to gluten or anyone looking to improve their diet. HEART-HEALTHY OPTION: Low in both saturated fat and cholesterol, oat flour is a healthy alternative to traditional wheat flour and also contains soluble fiber (1.2 g per serving).
High protein peanut, almond or cashew nut spread is a great way to add more protein into your diet.
These spreads all have 10g of whey protein and are a great alternative to other butters and spreads that are loaded with sugar and artificial sweeteners. available in cashew, almond, and peanut butter.
I’ve also started drinking my water, getting enough sleep, exercising, upping my moisturizer game and taking care of myself, mentally and physically. Maybe I narrowly escaped the pause for now but its coming for me ( and you too) so why not start preparing now?
And if you’re wondering about the mystery root of my hot flashes and panic attacks and what cured it? ½ a dose of Sudaphed 2 times a day, it was all caused by the fluid in my ears. It’s crazy what your body can do to signal that your check engine light is on.
What are you doing to prepare for the next phase of womanhood? Have you already entered perimenopause of menopause? If so, what is one piece of advice you’d give to those following close behind?
