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The Shark Week Double Tap
The Shark Week Double Tap ~ I know you are scratching your head asking yourself, what the hell is she talking about. Well, I will get to that but first I need to warn you this is definitely a TMI post. If you are a man, or squeamish about personal woman talk, ~~walk~~ no run away now. First, if you are a regular reader of The TRUTH about Motherhood you are already very familiar with the term Shark Week. If not here is a post to teach you everything you ever wanted to know about Shark Week. This brings us to my latest shark week debacle.
The Shark Week Double Tap
So, it is once again shark week. When isn’t it shark week? It seems like every time I turn around these days, it’s shark week. In fact, I’m tempted to get pregnant JUST to stop the craziness that is the moody spectacular of Shark Week. And I think I’ve made the Big Guy just crazy enough to agree to it. Desperate times, desperate measures my friends. But I promised you a definition of the Shark Week double tap. Embarrassing as it is to admit, a promise is a promise plus I’m really curious to know that I am not the only one who has suffered this humiliation.
Without Further ado the Shark Week Double Tap
The shark week double tap, my friend ( you are my friends right? I’m banking on it and praying for your understanding and no judgement. After all, the situation itself is humiliating enough), is when you are so deep in the throes of Mommy brain, you’re sick as a dog with a wicked sinus infection ( you can’t smell, you can’t taste and you can’t hear), the kids are screaming, dinner is burning, it’s black Friday, your have people visiting and aside from your whole world being upside down and inside out…you are hemorrhaging at just the thought of walking across the room. This is when the shark week double tap happens. You are unsuspecting and unaware and it just sneaks up on you. You are so tired, overwhelmed and confused that you go to change your tampon and when you should have pulled you completely missed the step and only pushed…another tampon into the already crowded space where the last one is. Gasp!
The kids are screaming at the bathroom door, your husband is waiting in the car for you to head out to pick up dinner to replace what you just burnt and your mother is talking at you through the bathroom door; this is when the deed is done. You won’t even be aware of it for a bit.Who knows maybe that first little guy got all turned around and you lost the string and that’s why you completely forgot to pull the cord before you launched another cotton rocket into your vaginal infinity and beyond. I know you are wondering how the hell is this even possible. What can I say, I’ve given birth a couple times and I’m pretty sure a small hobo could find shelter in my vaginal cavity, my cervical wonderland and I might not even notice I’m so busy on some days.
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The Culprits..but there's a 2 at a time max! The Cotton Twins!
I know I am not alone in this but doubt any of you will have the bad taste to admit it but you can identify yourself by being the one who is laughing just a little harder than the others at my predicament. Thank God this faux pas is not fatal, unless you count the double dose of toxic shock syndrome inducing cotton levels in my body. Sure it’s uncomfortable and a great reminder that I should have just taken the time to locate my damn Diva cup ( that bitch isn’t moving once it’s locked and loaded) rather than give in to the convenience of the tony toxic cotton rockets. The worst part is that I usually ( yes, it’s happened to me more than once) don’t realize what has happened until I am out in public, away from a toilet and walking like I’m in my third trimester and about to give birth to a pair of cotton topped twins at any moment.The humiliation. What’s the worst side effect of your shark week? Don’t be afraid to share, misery enjoys company and I know shark week is no picnic for any of us.
The Shark Week Double Tap, every Mother’s Nightmare
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2011/11/29
The List
The List~ This is a post that I first wrote for my good friend, Kit at blogging dangerously, but I can feel the weight of the list breathing me in and breathing me out. It is time to share the list here—–P.S. It’s my birthday today and I will write a post about it later but I would love to cross some things off the list. Reach my goal of 1000 GFC followers on here, 3000 Twitter followers and 500 FB fans! If you love the TRUTH about Motherhood please consider following! XO Debi

Racheal Ashe
The List
Seems more and more often lately, I’ve been finding myself in the most advanced stages of sleep deprivation. I wish I could blame it on late nights of steamy sex with my Big Guy in the conjugalorium or I wish I could blame it on a colicky newborn, no who am I kidding, no way in hell do I wish I could blame it on a colicky newborn. I can’t even blame it on a baby that needs to be breastfed on the regular. No feverish child. No worrisome thought or situation that needs my immediate attention. No, it’s much worse than that. My near-fatal case of sleep deprivation is caused by my incessant need to make list of all the things that I perpetually need to not forget to do. The moment my head hits the pillow, every single thought of the day comes rushing to the surface and I lie there with my eyes wide open as the lists appear in every direction I look. Apparently, in my house, the hours between 11 pm and 1 am are the time period in which I get my one and only reprieve from Mommy brain. It is the time of the list; unending, unforgiving, unrelenting…the list.
These are not the list of wishes that I want to attain; the list of groceries I need to buy or even the list , the endless list of work that I need to complete at any given time. No, they are the list of my life. You know the list of all the shit that any mother has to do the next day, compounded by all the things I don’t want to forget, mix in some groceries, a laundry list of paperwork to be returned to schools, drop-offs and pickups, baths, errands, classes, obligations, playdates, fruit market, work, envelopes for church to be filled, parent-teacher meetings, auditions, uniforms to be pressed, lunches to be made, bills to schedule, cards to mail, birthdays, anniversaries, funerals and weddings and oh yeah, all the things that I must remember not to forget to make sure that my kids don’t end up in ten years worth of therapy because I forgot to put dress down day on the fucking LIST!
The List: Must Remember to:
Buy organic milk. Reach 3000 Twitter followers.Get shoes out of trunk. Bobby pins. Sign up to volunteer. Talk to teacher. Wash jeans sparkly jeans and peace sign shirt (long sleeve not short sleeve) for dress down day. Dress down day. Girl Scouts. Pick up tickets for the ballet. Pick up deodorant for husband. Buy birthday gift for Suzy. Take dog to vet. Call sister to wish happy birthday. Buy shampoo. And conditioner. Oh yeah, Dress down day. Tell husband car is making funny noise. Call the mechanic. Confirm lunch date with friend. Find a new gynecologist. Call the insurance company about bill for unknown service. Refill blood pressure medicine. Dress down day. Make healthy lunch for girls.Reach 500 FB fans. Go to the grocery store to buy healthy food, everything in pantry is crap. Call my mom. Ask doctor for Xanax. Put gas in the car. Do homework with Ella. Make cookies for bake sale. Milk the cows. Go to bakery. Buy cookies. Feed the chickens. Ballet. Iron shirts for husband. Shit! Show up for work. Shave legs. Wax lip. Breathe. Buy wine. Answer emails. Drink wine. Meet husband for intimate time in spare room. Teach Abbi the alphabet. Get girls to sleep in their own beds. Dress down day. Return field trip permission slip. Play date with neighbor. Piano. Student of the week. Zoo. Write a book. Take a nap. Take a shower. Eat. Rinse. Repeat. Hug the kids. Chicago. Halloween costumes. Birthday. Reach 1000 GFC followers on my blog. Dress. Down. Day!
That’s the list for a Monday. If I could just forget all of the things that I need to remember, I could have an 87% chance of surviving my stage 4 sleep deprivation. As it stands, just when I think I’ve forgotten the list and I’ve resigned myself over to the peaceful bliss of Mommy brain, I remember every thought, errand and conversation of the day…the list can’t be killed. Once again, I find myself wide-awake at the wee hours of the night. How can I be expected to raise proper little people with all the list running through my head and holding my sleep hostage? Tonight, I’ll have a glass of wine (or two) and pray for the list to get lost on its journey. Mommy brain, don’t fail me now.
The List that Never Sleeps
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2011/09/25
What’s the Difference Between Working Moms and Stay at Home Moms?
Over the years, I’ve been asked multiple times if I am a working Mom or a Stay-at-home mom? First off, whether we work out of the home or in the home; part-time, full-time or job share, even if we are stay-at-home Moms, don’t we all work? Aren’t we all working moms? ( Sidebar: The term working mom sounds like we’re hookers with kids. I hate that term.) Don’t we all spend every single day of our lives, selflessly working our asses off for other people?
Working Moms, Say what?
I’ve never met a Mom who doesn’t work. Even if we don’t have a job that pays us, we work our respective tails off. And if we do have a job outside our family duties, we just work our tails off in a different way. But let’s make no bones about it. If you have kids, you are always working. What else would you call cooking, cleaning, wiping asses, wiping noses, telling stories, fighting boogie men, wash laundry, washing dishes, washing babies,laughing at ridiculous knock-knock jokes, making bottles, changing diapers, reading books, instilling morals, teaching respect, self-confidence, bestowing unconditional love when you have nothing left to give, calming fears, cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night, kissing boo-boos, being a cheerleader, a coach, a chauffeur, a dream come truer, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker..and that was just Tuesday!
READ ALSO: The One Thing All Moms Have in Common
There’s this big misconception that Stay-at-Home moms lie around on the couch eating bonbons all day, watching stories while organic meals magically appear on the table as children frolic in silence …without beating up their sibling. Yeah, because that EVER happens. I’ve been a stay-at-home Mom for a good part of the past 6 years and not once in that time have I ever had a free moment to sit around and watch stories or eat bonbons. In my dreams, maybe.
Want to know the real difference between stay-at-home moms and work outside of the home moms? I don’t get paid for the asses I wipe and kiss, you do. I never get a break or a lunch in peace, you do. We both work our butts off but you get a commute time to decompress, I don’t. My point is we all work ourselves to the point of exhaustion to do the best we can for our family and we all need a damn vacation. I’d like to sit on an island somewhere, in silence with nothing but the waves crashing the shore, the sun on my face, a fruity drink in my hand and maybe even some of those mythical bonbons I keep hearing so much about.
READ ALSO: Working Mom Guilt
Entire debates are had over this topic. Tears are shed. Women are torn as to whether they should work out of the home or stay-at-home? Hours on end are spent making the decision that will have the greatest effect on the child, the least impact on the budget and the least likelihood of ending in therapy. Much guilt is incurred and it holds us hostage. It is no easy decision but in the end, the joke is on us. Fight one another as we may, each and every one of us who has ever birthed and loved a child are working Moms.
What’s the Difference Between Working Moms and Stay at Home Moms?

2011/08/10
Cocktail Play Dates; Keeping Mommies Sane since Prohibition
Cocktail Play Dates They say necessity is the mother of all invention and mother did we need something invented to make tolerable the ordeal of being held hostage with strange women as our children licked, bit and chewed on one another ( all in the name of socialization). I’m not saying it’s always going to end in disaster sometimes you may actually salvage a friendship amongst the rubble of the biting, licking and whining( and that’s just the moms). For years, we’ve been drinking coffee during play dates. Isn’t coffee considered a gateway drug? Whether it was the white noise effect our children provided in the background as we gossiped ( as we kept one very suspicious eye on that 3 year old baby Huey about to hit our little princess with a toilet brush) or as we caught up with our most favorite Mommies. Then we’d go home, behind the closed doors of suburbia and drink ourselves into a small stupor at #wineparty after the kids finally passed out from exhaustion. While coffee has it’s place, let’s face it…it leaves something to be desired in the breath department and on an empty stomach can cause quite the scandal at someone else’s loo. Not even Starbucks has figured out a way to remedy that situation. But then the two were merged, play dates and drinking.
Cocktail Play Dates Anyone?
Many people like to have a social drink now and again to loosen up or unwind. This is no secret. A glass of wine to be heart healthy. A Bellini with brunch. A wine spritzer to cool off by the pool? People drink on dates, correct? To calm the nerves? With that being modern culture, it would be no great leap that one might have a nip of this or that to relax and enjoy the date…the play date that it. Do moms get drunk, stumble around dropping kids and play spin the bottle with one another? I’d hope not. Do they do it every single play date? Probably not ( who has the time or energy). But I don’t see the harm in an occasional drink, in moderation, if drank responsibly. It’s been argued that by having these cocktail play dates Mommies are advocating underage drinking or being a “bad” example. I agree, if you are fall down drunk or have a cocktail in your hands at all times, you are probably projecting the wrong impression…functioning alcoholic anyone? But really by having a glass of wine at dinner or the occasional sangria on the back porch, aren’t we teaching our children to drink socially and responsibly?
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I would NOT suggest drinking this particular cocktail around children..EVER! Should come with a fire warning.(stock xchang)
Cocktail Play Dates the beginning of the End
Obviously, if your kid is an infant and you are still breastfeeding steer clear of the alcohol. If you are driving your children even a block, no alcohol for you. If your children are young enough to need you to wipe their asses, noses and hold their hand because they are too shy and/or afraid to socialize..having a drink is probably not an option for you. But if one summer afternoon you find yourself with a couple other Mommies from the neighborhood, your 9 and 10 year olds are together running through the sprinkler, I see nothing wrong with the host Mommy pouring everyone a nice regulation sized glass of Pinot Grigio ( Mimosa, Bellini, Wine Spritzer) coupled with a plate of fruit and cheese ( let’s soak it up as to not make asses of ourselves, Ladies). Everything in moderation. I wouldn’t recommend doing body shots off of one another. I know in my neighborhood, the home association frowns on that sort of behavior. It has something to do with the whole lewd and lascivious behavior or something of the like. Apparently, Mommies gone wild doesn’t have the same appeal as Girls gone wild. Go figure.
In the end, you have to go home to your family, look yourself in the mirror and be OK with how YOU parent. No one else can make that decision for you. They can look at you with judging eyes and disappointed hearts but really who are they to judge? What do you honestly think about mixing the two? Would you? Could you? Have you?
*To clarify, I’ve had one Cocktail during a Play Date in my entire life ( nothing even remotely like those gals in Florida). It consisted of drinking a Mimosa while my mom responsibly chaperoned my daughters’ play date with the neighbor kid. It was brilliant in the way that eating carbs at your leisure is, just a little taboo. Not something I would want or be able to do all the time. Let’s face it, having my children has reduced my tolerance for alcohol to that of a gnat.
Cocktail play dates anyone?
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2011/08/03
Mommyfriend~ My Truth About Motherhood
I’d like to welcome the lovely and sweet Lori of Mommyfriend to the TRUTH about Motherhood. Lori is exactly what she says she is a “Mommyfriend”. I love her attitude. Lori is loving motherhood and her husband and it is evident on her blog. She is witty and adorable. She is peppy and perky and when I read her blog, I leave feeling rejuvenated. Her blog is the blog for every Mommy. She shares the ups and downs of being a Mommy, wife and trying to keep all the balls in the air and she does it all with a smile.You can find her here and on Twitter.Mommyfriend is a friend that you want to have. Thank you Lori for sharing your Truth!
My Truth about Motherhood
by Mommyfriend
Nothing and I really do mean nothing has taught me more than motherhood. While most of my motherhood truths have been learned in a “frying pan to the head” sort of way, I’m getting at least a little smarter all the time. Or smart enough to be dangerous anyway.
I may not have all the answers, but thanks to my kids I know this much is true:
1. Every child has been blessed with a miraculous talent. It’s our job to find it, nurture it and never ever exploit it. Are you listening Dina Lohan? Didn’t think so.
2. Not everyone will love your child they way you do. I know, crazy. I have my son’s 3rd grade teacher to thank for this lesson.
3. I will always feel like I should have done more. If I spent the next 78,840 hours glued to my eldest until he reached 18 I’d still feel like it wasn’t enough. Let it go woman!
4. Time waits for no mom. Can I get an amen?
5. Follow your dreams and make sure your kids see you do it. Chances are they will because the pursuit of any dream will lead you right back to #3.
There will never be two little boys quite like mine and I’m pretty sure they’re teaching me more than I’ll ever teach them. My motherhood journey may be filled with lots of potholes and gridlock but the scenery is absolutely amazing.
2011/05/18
Fabulous Five Friday
It’s ~~Friday~~ Saturday and I’ve been away from my house all week and am writing this post while pecking at my iPad in a hotel room while the rest of my family sleeps in but I really wanted to share five more fabulous blogs with all of you.This week’s picks are as follows. Check them out because I promise they are all awesome.
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Courtesy of Google
Jessica Gottlieb~ “Here’s the thing, I’m a mom in Los Angeles. I’ve got two kids, Jane is 12, Alexander is 9. I’m married and in addition to loving my husband, I like him.” I think this excerpt from her bio just made me heart this awesome lady even more. Jessica is one of my absolute favorite bloggers. I found her when I first started blogging and immediately thought to myself, she is my kinda people. She is brutally honest, snarkiliciously witty and hilariously funny. She is the thinking Mommy’s blogger. She says what most Moms are thinking but just don’t have the balls to say. I love that about her and I am sure you will too. As far as I’m concerned, Jessica is 27 flavors of awesome and then some.If you’ve not already checked her out, go…run…do it now. You’ll be glad you did. You can find her here and here and on Twitter.
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Courtesy of Bees with Honey
Bees with Honey~ “My husband is my best friend and the love of my life. We’ve been married six years and I thank God for him every day of my life. My other love is my children. They are my world and my purpose in life. Nothing makes me feel prouder than being their mother. Motherhood, with all of it’s challenges, is truly the most rewarding of life experiences.” Bruna is a feisty Italian Canadian teacher, a mommy, a wife and a fierce wine drinker. When you read her blog you will find sunshine. Bruna is positive and a glass half full type of girl.She will reassure you that there is still good in the world. Her positive attitude is contagious and, really, can’t we all use a little more sunshine in our lives? Go check her out.I dare you not to love her. Bruna can be found here and on Twitter.
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Courtesy of A Mommy in the City

Mommy in the City~ “I grew up in Tampa, Fl and moved to New York City in June 2010 with my daughter Harlan after being away from my husband MacKay for nine months.I started this website in October 2010 to chronicle my journey with my daughter of our new experiences in New York City as well as share some of my favorite things that I have found while living here.” Lauren is one of the sweetest Moms I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Not only is she a charismatic news anchor type, she is a fabulous Mommy to Harlan, loving wife, Florida girl turned NYC fashionista, and absolutely beautiful inside and out.Her blog is thoroughly enjoyable, chocked full of gorgeous photos, and amazing stories of her new life in New York.I “met” Lauren through Twitter, she read a tweet about how hard it was for me to cope with my husband living out of state for his job and me mothering the girls on my own. She jumped right in and shared words of wisdom and kind words of encouragement. We share this experience but not many people would jump right in and give a perfect stranger a virtual hug.Her words meant more to me that she will ever know. Reading her blog is like that. She is genuine, that is hard to find.Go read her here and get to know her on Twitter.I know you will love her as much as I do.

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Courtesy of Straight Talk Jess

Straight talk Jess~ “I’m a Texas girl through and through. Currently staked out in the Capitol City. I’m a wife and mama, a lawyer and a runner. Odd that I “defined” myself with 4 little words. Titles. That’s not all I am, but those are big parts of my makeup. I stay busy and am usually doing 100 things at once (because just focusing on one thing at a time just doesn’t make sense, right? I blame genetics). I don’t walk slowly and don’t take breaks, always on to the next project.” Jessica is my sister from another mother. Not literally, but who else can I curse in Spanish with and she completely gets me. Reading her blog is like having a really wonderful, no awkward pauses, conversation over a great cup of coffee with your sister while the kids play quietly in the same room.At first read, you will feel like you have known her your entire life and you’ll want to come back for more.She’s a straight shooter, funny, real and a little silly.I adore her and you will too. You can find her here and on Twitter.

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Courtesy of Mommyfriend

Mommyfriend~” I am your resident Mommyfriend (or Lori in real life). I have been married 12 years to Big Daddy P and have 2 great boys ages 3 (“Little BooBoo”) and 8 (“Boy Wonder”). I work a stressful full time job as a Secret Agent (not really but close enough) and try my best to keep a really clean house between homework and making dinner.” Lori is exactly what she says she is a “Mommyfriend”. I love her attitude. Lori is loving motherhood and her husband and it is evident on her blog. She is witty and adorable. She is peppy and perky and when I read her blog, I leave feeling rejuvenated. Her blog is the blog for every Mommy. She shares the ups and downs of being a Mommy, wife and trying to keep all the balls in the air and she does it all with a smile.You can find her here and on Twitter.Mommyfriend is a friend that you want to have.
These are my Fabulous Five for this week. I hope you check these bloggers out and love them as much as I do!
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2011/04/09
Inaugural Fabulous Five Friday
Good Morning, fine folks of the blogiverse. It’s Friday and I have decided that I would like to start something that I will call “Fabulous Five Friday ” or something to that effect. Basically, what it will be is every Friday I will list 5 blogs of consequence. Blogs that I think you should be following or at the very least check out. Some of my favorite reads. I will be honest, it will most likely be a mix of some that you are already aware of, some that everybody already knows of and a lot that maybe you aren’t familiar with. My purpose for this is that I have discovered some absolutely fabulous reads out there and I think you would probably enjoy, as well. My plan is to help you all find one another and make the world a better place:)
MommyNaniBooBoo “I am Jenni Chiu- most of the time, I give you my heart and soul, tied up in a pretty bow, dipped in poop, and then run through the washer on cold.” Her blog is honest, raw and real. It’s is the perfect blend of brains and beauty. Jenni is witty, wise and snarkilicious and definitely worthy of daily read status. Her blog tag line says it all “Not perfect, just right” isn’t that where we all fall on the spectrum if we are brave enough to admit it. Oh yeah and did I mention? She is HILARIOUS wrapped up in deep dipped in chocolate. She is one of the most genuine people out there on the interwebs. I want to give her proper heart hugs on the regular and so will you.You can also find her on Twitter. Go find her now!
A(n)(Un)Common Family “And while being a mom is a huge part of who I am – the part that changed me in ways nothing else could, that made me get in touch with an inner soft side (one that could actually cry!), the part that suddenly realized what true, unconditional love actually feels like – it’s not all that I am.There’s more to me, even if it’s far less adorable than my kids.” Laura’s blog is about motherhood, marriage and how she has evolved over the years while maintaining the woman she was before the kids. It started with adoption and she touches on just about every single issue a mother or woman can face. She shares her soul and knowledge all with a twist of wicked sense of humor. I love her and so will you. You can also find Laura on Twitter.
Parenting Ad Absurdum “An irreverent, humorous and honest look at what it is truly like to parent small children, the highs and lows, the thrilling parts and the not-so-thrilling-at-all parts.” This blog is written by the lovely Peryl, an awesome Mommy to two spirited young boys. On any day you can read about a variety of topics ranging from little vampires ordering blood off the Starbucks menu to the correct protocol on how to name a Canadian baby. No matter the topic, Peryl will deliver it to you with grace and poise. She’s the lady who has the magic touch and can make any pill easier to swallow.Do yourself a favor, check her out. Peryl can also be found on Twitter
Kludgy Mom “(clue-gee mom) is a mom who uses clumsy or inelegant, yet effective, solutions to problems, typically using items that are cobbled together. In other words, a mom who makes things up as they go. A kludgy mom practices the art of embracing a life lived haphazardly. I’m a kludgy mom.” Gigi is much more than just a Mommy blogger, she is a Mommy who is a blogger. But she also blogs about a lot more. She blogs about food, she blogs about parenting, and she blogs about blogging and social media. She is my go to girl for blogging information because aside from a ridiculously off the map sense of humor, she has a heart of gold and is living proof of one of my biggest dreams. There can, in fact, be sisterhood through motherhood. Sisterhood through blog writing. She rocks my world in loads of ways and she will rock yours too. She can also be found on Twitter.
Madame Paradox “Heidi David is a writer and freelance producer. She is the author of an as yet unpublished work of dark commercial fiction, THE FLYING JEWEL; a tale of a traveling circus where the price of admission is one’s free will. Brought up in a pleasant yet dysfunctional suburb of New York, Heidi’s excessive exposure to musical theater at a young age as well as a lifetime of insomnia have contributed to her peculiar world view. Ms. David has been known to take an occasional tango class as well as repel down cliffs, thus defying the centuries old tradition of nice Jewish girls finding excuses to get out of gym class. When she’s not writing or producing, Heidi lives a gluten-free existence in her Manhattan apartment while pining for the bagels of her youth.” Heidi is a writer’s blogger, meaning if you have a reverence for the written word you absolutely MUST give her blog a look. You won’t be sorry. Her words will take you to the four corners of the world, traveling space and time, she will make you laugh and cry. Heidi will take you to the brink of insanity and then rescue you from yourself. Her posts remind me of why I write. She expands my imagination and stimulates my brain, she can do the same for you. Heidi can also be found on Twitter.
These are my inaugural five blogs. They are all amazing. I think you will love them as much as I do. There are no crazy rules or requirements, I only want to share these great blogs with you. Of course, if you want to add me to your blog roll or put a button on your blog (it can be found under the “buttons” tab) that would certainly be awesome.
If you were looking for me this week, I was all over the internet. In case you missed it; I was techy here and then again over here. It’s a new writing opportunity working with one of the ladies I respect most in the blog world, Jessica Gottlieb. I am super excited and hope that you will stop by and check us out. I was spreading the crazy truth about having a second child and sharing my funny over here. Then I was featured as one of the top 500 over here. Not to mention, giving you the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth with a side of Throat Punch on Thursday here! Happy Friday,my Friends!
2011/04/01
Aye Carlitos! The Man, the Myth, the Magic!
Carlitos,
My Hispanic brother, how I long for the days when you were the hot jock in Lucas. The brawny athletic type with a heart of gold. How you made my teen girl heart swoon. I always loved you because you were such a “real” guy. Well, real as far as the men I had grown up around. Of course, most of those losers have ended up in AA! Your behavior was not out of the norm. You were a child star, you didn’t play by the same rules as the rest of us. You never had to. But you took what you had and you made it your bitch. Obviously, somewhere in there, you became a bitching ,totally fricking rock star from Mars. A Warlock with tiger blood and Adonis DNA, some might even say. I know your life is epic and you are proud of who you are and what you’ve done for yourself.I totally respect your crazy strong will and how you have decided to not accept defeat as an option.Go you and your winning attitude! Never let them get you down, Carlitos. So what if you get to play your real life on TV and make 2 million dollars an episode? That’s certainly no reason for people to be “leaving you to twist in the wind like some sucker getting shanked in the yard?” You’re right, they are jealous.Silly mortals.
But I do have to say, I think you are better than this. And I’m led to believe that ~~hookers~~ goddesses don’t make the greatest of housewives.You deserve better, Carlitos..you are a winner. You beat drug addiction by making the conscious choice to will it so. You are awesome. Duh? You’ve done what it takes most mere mortals several attempts at rehab or AA to do! I also don’t think it’s such a good idea to explain your “epic” ordeal with your kids before they reach the teen years. Well, actually after they hit their 20’s that is fodder to be most certainly thrown back into your face. Damn kids, you know how they love to lay on the guilt.Ungrateful little bastards, after you have an entire house full of Goddesses at their beckon call.
TMZ: I met one of your sons on the way in – what do you do when one of your sons comes up and says I wanna try beer, or cocaine?
Sheen: I would strongly recommend against it, but if he wants to try a beer, do it here. At least he’s not drivin’ around like some clown. Like some amateur.
At least you have your priorities straight! No amateurs here. If you’re going to do it, do it right!Go for expert! Go for broke! I like your enthusiasm.
I saw your interview with Rossen on the Today show. How I appreciate your candor and honesty.Awesome that you totally tested “clean” on your drug test..three times according to your TMZ interview. Nothing gnarly about that!Pretty fucking radical if you ask me! Only 45 and you have totally harnessed all the secrets of the world. But I am beginning to wonder, if you did indeed test clean, might this small mental “infarction” have been caused by a gnarly case of Syphilis? I mean, not to be rude, but given your history, I think this could be a totally plausible reason behind the behavior. If it is, I think everybody owes you a great big “I’m sorry”. I mean, Syphilis is a real disease not a choice. Either way, I think maybe you should get yourself and the Goddesses tested. Better safe than sorry.Unless of course, you do in fact have a hyper sensitivity to Ambien. “Ambien has a half life of 22000 decades, that might have had something to do with it”( In reference to his watch freak out episode) Which could also very logically explain away the entire situation. Of course, I’m just a lowly mortal housewife…not too epic and Ambien wears off in me in about 10-12 hours. Though, I have been known to do some pretty wacky tweets when all hyped up on Ambien. Who knows how things could have went south if I had the money and genius to take it to the next level? I guess we’ll never know:(
Anyways, just wanted to tell you that we are all pulling for you! I don’t blame you, I’d have no interest in their retarded opinions either. I’d probably have to get down with some crack and booze if I had to spend my days hanging out with Duckie too! They don’t know you! Stay strong, Carlitos and remember “The scoreboard doesn’t lie! Now, flash Mama that “winning” smile of yours!

Truthful Mommy
P.S. Can I bring you a cheeseburger or something? You look a little hungry.
2011/02/28
The Boob Fairy : How to Explain Breasts to Young Children
Have you had the conversation about breasts with your daughters yet?
I spent so much time trying to figure out when the perfect time to explain menstruation, puberty and where babies come from with my daughters that I completely forgot to talk about breasts.
Yes, they know that girls develop breasts sometime between being their age (6 & 9) and my age ( grown*) but, as I found out a couple weeks ago, they have no idea how one gets from point A to point B. Hell, maybe they believe there is a boob fairy; second cousin twice removed of the tooth fairy (she’s a giver).
Anyways, as the mom of two little girls who will one day be young ladies I try to make it my mission to make life full of “teachable moments”. I’ve gotten pretty good at it too, if I do say so myself.
Flowers on the side of the road at a makeshift memorial, I explain how young drivers should always be on the defensive and not be texting or on the phone. I explain that driving is a full-contact sport that demands all of your attention or you could end up with a memorial on the side of the road or causing someone else’s memorial on the side of the road. Vomiting and dizzy from the stomach flu, I see the perfect opportunity to discuss the effects of alcohol and relay how this is exactly how it feels when you drink too much. By the way, my 6-year-old has committed herself to never drinking more than half a beer and then calling a cab.
Sometimes that backfires on me like the time she was frantic that to have a baby the doctor must cut you open and rip the baby out (my sister had a c-section after the baby was stuck) so to “help” I explained that babies come into the world via your vagina and there isn’t usually a surgery in which a doctor cuts your stomach open. I thought I was helping. She went ghost white, looked down at her vagina, sized up the situation and has sworn off children for her lifetime. Wait until she realizes that sex is what puts babies into bellies that come out of vaginas.
So, the other day, as I was driving our daughters to ballet, we passed a coed group of neighborhood kids playing basketball in a driveway. Immediately, the girls began to argue whether or not a slender, young girl was in fact a “boy” or a “girl”.
Then, I hear this from my backseat.
A discussion about breasts.
6-year-old: “That was a girl who just made that basket. Girls play basketball!”
9-year-old: “Yeah, well, it was a boy because his chest was FLAT like a pancake!”
I explain to them that girls can be flat chested. And some girls develop breasts later than others. In fact, I was completely flat chested until I was 15. I am talking undershirt city. Hell, they stopped making undershirts big enough for a girl that old. Back then, a camisole wasn’t even an option and tank tops were only for summer, not a fashion layering piece. My girls and anyone who has met me knows that I am no longer flat chested. Apparently, good things come to those who wait. For those interested, here’s How to get bigger breasts naturally by Sandra Hale.
Take that girl, who shall remain nameless, who got her size B boobs at 11 and liked to point out the fact that I didn’t need a bra yet. My size D’s say hellllloooooo.
9-year-old: “ Uhm, mom….YOU have MELONS!”
Giggle.Giggle. Rabble. Rubble.
6-year-old, very concerned, “Mommy, I don’t want melons. I want apples!”
Me: “ Well, kiddo, you get whatever God and genetics give ya! Sorry.”
6-year-old: “Mommy, what’s genetics?”
Me: “It’s the genes you get passed down from your parents.”
Immediately, I see terror in her eyes and then I hear this.
6-year-old, head bowed and whispering a prayer, “Dear God, please don’t give me melons. I want juicy apples! In the name of the father, the son & the Holy Spirit! Amen!”
I look in the rear view mirror and see her doing the sign of the cross.
Then I died….laughing (on the inside like any good mom.)
Here’s hoping the boob fairy is good to you my little sweet and you are blessed with the “juicy” apple breasts that you are hoping for but I have a sneaking suspicion you won’t since you come from a long line of melons.

2014/04/29
Control ~ Master of My Own Destiny
Out of Control House
I am a control freak. I have always been a control. Type-A personality doesn’t even begin to describe the control freak I am. I feel the need to control every single aspect of my life and when something is out of place, I seek out control like a heat seeking missile. (more…)
2012/07/11