Remember the song, What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong? That has been my song to my Bella since before she was born. I used to sway back and forth in her nursery with my giant belly; singing softly to myself alone (not really alone, as no one ever is when they are pregnant) away from everyone we knew while the Big Guy was at work. The anticipation of meeting my first child was surreal, exciting and strange. Pregnancy for me was like an out of body experience but singing that song, as the sunshine softly kissed my baby belly through her nursery window, I was overcome with serenity and peace. (more…)
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An 8th Birthday with a Surprise Twist at the End
Gender-Based Violence ~ Is this what you Want for Your Little Girl?
Gender-Based Violence*Denial of care for women* The subjugation of women and deprivation of human rights and respect* Gender based violence is physical or emotional violence against women*Anything that doesn’t see the woman as a human being* Women are worth protecting and worth respecting* The old belief was that women are servants and used as procreation tools*
I’ve wanted to write this post for a long time but gender-based violence was something that I needed to mull over and give my full attention; the topic is that important. It is about life and death. It is human compassion. The scariest part is that this topic is not just happening in some far off land or third world country. Gender-based violence is happening right here where you live; maybe it’s next door, the next street over or maybe it’s happening in your own house. It has to stop. No woman deserves this.
Gender-Based Violence is not what I want for my little girls
The gravest threat to a woman’s life is violence inflicted upon her simply because she is a woman. How can you even comprehend or justify this sort of violence? You can’t. Enough time of being beaten down for it and eventually a woman will begin to hate herself because being a woman makes her a target for unimaginable and unprovoked violence.
Women between the ages of 15 and 45 are more likely to be maimed or die from male violence than from cancer, malaria, traffic accidents and war combined. Often times, violent acts such as rape, female genital cutting, or extreme physical abuse are used to intimidate, humiliate and discredit women, denying them political weight in society and forcing them into silent, second-class citizenship. Beyond personal injury, gender-based violence also results in unwanted pregnancies, severe psychological trauma and an increase in maternal mortality.
Gender-based violence can take many different forms, and is constantly mutating into new forms, be it acid attacks, bride burnings, rape or domestic violence. Gender-based violence is often perpetrated by those closest to a woman; a family member, her partner or a friend; someone that she trusts. About one-third of all women globally face beatings in the home. In most countries, between 30 and 60 percent of women have experienced physical or sexual violence by a husband or a boyfriend. 30-60 percent! That means it is very likely that someone that you already know has been a victim of gender-based violence. The statistics for female murder by male partners are also astounding: Up to 70 percent of female murder victims were killed by their male partners, according to the World Health Organization.
In some countries, female genital mutilation is also a concern. Over 135 million girls and women have undergone genital mutilation and 2 million more girls are at risk each year. “Honor” killings, in which a woman’s relative murders her for disgracing the family, can also be a concern in parts of the world. Women are treated like property and inanimate objects. For some reason, there is the assumption that women are put on this earth to serve only the wants and needs of others. I have news for you, we are human with feelings and thoughts and being dismissed, used to satisfy man’s sexual appetite and abused hurts us at our very core. It undermines our very sense of self.
Many governments across the globe continue to turn a blind eye to this violence. To date, 603 million women live in countries where domestic violence is not outlawed and more than 2.6 billion live in countries where rape within marriage is not considered a crime. Without legal retribution, assailants rarely face consequences for their actions and the victims are less likely to report the abuse. In many cases, women are concerned that they will be the ones punished if they report the violence. Other times, rape and sexual assault are so stigmatized that the victim stays silent even if there are laws in place. How can we in good conscious live in a world where victims of unspeakable acts are treated like the perpetrator?
Rape and these other abuses often work to keep women down. Women who have experienced such violence can suffer isolation and depression and have increased drug and alcohol dependency or even poor reproductive health. They may become unable to work or care for their families because they have become so broken from the abuse.
Gender-Based Violence Kills Hope
While laws are important to help combat gender-based violence, the main solution is to change the way people think. Two things lie behind gender-based violence: sexism and misogyny. And it’s not just the men: women too adhere to discriminatory social customs, and frequently are the ones to transmit to the next generation. For instance, women are often the managers of brothels in poor countries or the ones who demand that their daughters’ genitals are cut. Women have been abused and treated so badly for so long that they have began to believe that they deserve the treatment, accept that the abuse is normal and even become perpetrators of the gender-based violence against other women.
It’s happening all over the world; in every country and every city, even in 2012 in the United States. Pay attention to the news; women’s rights and reproductive rights are being pushed and pulled and torn away from women by politicians who need to change their views. If our leaders view us as second-class citizens, how can we expect the rest of the men in our lives to be any different? The government makes the rules and sets the standards by which all others follow.
Since these attitudes are embedded in culture, they will only change with education. We need to help by acknowledging these harmful and sexist attitudes and traditions and refusing to accept them any longer. By not ignoring the issue we are helping quietly sanction this violence against women.
As women, we need to stand up and speak out. We need to demand that we are treated with the same respect as men. Just because we have a vagina that doesn’t make us weaker; that makes us stronger because we have always had to work harder to prove ourselves to society. I am afraid what might happen if we don’t. Is the world you want to raise your daughter in? We need to change so that our daughters and granddaughters don’t grow up to know this devastation.
Half the Sky Movement is helping reverse this devastating trend by shining a light on these horrific acts of violence and inspiring victims to champion gender equality and safety. They are making a real difference in the world. You can see the PBS special and learn more on October 1 & 2.
We are humans* We are worth protecting* We are deserving of love and respect* We are the givers of life* We are more than just what lies between our legs*
Gender-based violence is unacceptable
Disclaimer: This post (and my sharing on social media) was inspired by my participation in a compensated program initiated by Women Online/The Mission List to raise awareness about the Half the Sky. All commentary and opinions are, of course, my own.
The Big”O”
Today, I am turning 40. The Big O! I’m not 100% where I stand on the entire situation but I do know three things 1) I’m in a much better place than when I turned 30 and had a complete meltdown assessing all the things in life that I had not yet accomplished 2) I am completely content with who I am now. I am still striving to reach my goals and make my dreams come true but them coming true is only the icing on the cake. There is no longer that aching unfulfilled space in my heart. I am living my dreams and surrounded by love. 3) I wanted advice from a close friend who had gone before me into her 40’s. I am lucky enough to be blessed to be friends with one of my favorite people on the Internet and she agreed to give me a little sisterly advice about turning 40.
So, while I am off getting my driver’s license renewed (crossing my eyes in my old age that I can still pass the eye exam) and celebrating the anniversary of my 40th year on this earth, my great friend, Jessica Gottlieb has written me a little advice and I think it is great advice for any woman who is headed towards this milestone birthday.
Thank you Jessica! I’ve told you before, and I am sure I will again, your friendship and mentorship has meant so much to me over these past few years. You are one of the most genuinely real people that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.You are like the sassy, feisty, foul-mouthed hooligan big sister that I always wished I’d had. Love you, Lady!
XOXO
Debi,
You’re turning 40 in like… well now. It’s weird that when we think about age and women we all too often think about opportunities that are behind us. Most forty-year-old women are done with their childbearing years, most women are done with their educations and many are happily partnered. I guess I thought that my 40’s wouldn’t be dynamic and interesting and full of change.
That’s what I get for thinking.
You’re a woman who knows herself, you take no shit and you take no prisoners. I’ve watched you be passionate and kind to the women around you. You understand womankind and why we need each other.
Moving into this next chapter, and delineating our lives into arbitrary chapters by decade is ridiculous but who am I to fight the tide, I look forward to watching you raise your girls. You’ll enter puberty and teenage years with them. I know you think that those treks belong to the kids, but they don’t, that particular trip is one the whole family takes. I look forward to watching you explore our relationships with each other and I can’t wait to watch you teach your girls to be above the fray though I suspect that you’ll also teach them to have a good right hook. Everyone should have that.
I hope for you that your 40’s bring freedom. I hope for you (and for every woman that I care about) that you run around naked and love your body for having taken you this far. I hope you nurture it with great food, exercise and rest. Yes, I said rest. Put your feet up and rest every so often, rather than feeling like it’s an indulgence. Understand that caring for yourself is a necessary part of being good to your family (ridiculous that we need permission to be selfish).
Social media has helped connect so many of us women who opted to stay home and raise our kids. Although we love being home with our kids who knew it was going to be so dull, the days would be so long and why on earth are there so many bodily fluids involved? What social media hasn’t permitted us to do is rest.
My gift to you this year is to challenge you to take a digital sabbath. Take one day a week and leave the phone home and turned off. Don’t go to the computer at all. It can wait. You don’t have to be a slave to social media, social media should be a slave to you.
I wish you continued health and wealth in this decade as well as love and joy.
Jessica
Thanks for the great advice Jessica. I plan to listen to every bit of it. In fact, I’m putting my feet up right now and plan on enjoying life and not rushing through it for the next 40 years. LOL Well, that is my intention. I plan to enjoy the journey.
What Every Mommy Needs Most
As many of you are aware, I turned 40 a little over a month ago. I was a little unnerved, I’d heard so many horror stories about this milestone. Then my birthday came and the impending doom never came. I did not self-destruct. I had not reached my expiration date but it did ignite a fire in me. It forced me to stop for a brief minute (because even though I am 40, my girls are only 5 and 7 and time waits for no mommy in this house) and take inventory. (more…)
Merry Christmas & Peace, Love and Happiness
Merry Christmas from My Family to yours
Merry Christmas Eve! We’re celebrating Christmas Eve at our house, like many of you are today. I woke up at 4:45 a.m. and haven’t been able to go back to sleep. I am exhausted and I have loads to do still. That’s probably why my brain said, “Eff You Debi you have too much to do to sleep. Get your ass up!” and so I did. It’s 9 am and I am going on my second cup of coffee, third load of laundry. The dog’s been out, the garbage is on the curb, dishes are done, house swept and two Christmas movies down. I need the Christmas spirit.
Then it hit me. I’ve been wondering where my Christmas spirit has gone. Why have I not been feeling merry or cheerful? Usually, I am up to my eyeballs in Christmas cheer wishing everyone well and wanting to give the world a coke and all that stuff but not this year. Something is off.
Merry Christmas; Its the little things that mean the most!
Maybe it was the Mayans making me second-guess my sanity and taking the end of the world with a grain of salt or maybe I’m just off because of my personal losses this year, the terrible events of the last few weeks or because I’ve been so busy with obligation. Really, I think I’ve been spending so much time trying to make everything just perfect. You know, trying to make my kids’ memories all Rockwellesque when all I really need to do is make it fun and authentic.
Kids don’t give a damn about perfect wrapping or the perfect gingerbread house or the perfectly unwrinkled Christmas outfit. All kids care about is that warm fuzzy feeling that they get when mama is singing Christmas carols and laughing. Happiness is contagious. The Christmas spirit is not something you can touch but it is something that you can definitely feel.
So, today, I am not worrying about what I did right and what I did wrong. I don’t care if the presents aren’t all perfectly wrapped. I’m not worrying that the photos with Santa aren’t perfectly centered. I don’t care that the Christmas cookies look like a small child did them. A small child did and I love those cookies more than anything. Today, I want to spend the moments listening to my girls laugh and watch as their faces light up when their daddy puts them to bed tonight.
I’ve finally gotten my Christmas spirit because I stopped long enough to remember what it is all about; family, love and being together. It’s about the people you love and maybe remembering what a truly wonderful life you have. This holiday season, I am wishing you all peace, love and happiness, peppered with lots of cuddles, kisses and hugs from those you love the most.
And remember, the elves leave for the last time tonight so be good today:)
Merry Christmas from our Snow Angel Making elf Rick Astley, he’s mischievous little bastard.
A Day in the Life of a Girl with Eating Disorders
Ever wonder what it’s like to have an eating disorder? It’s sad. If the eating disorders don’t kill you, the loneliness will. As I stood there looking in the mirror, facing the truth of my anorexic reflection I realized that I hated what I saw. As long as I could remember, I had never liked what I saw staring back at me in the mirror. Sure, if I tried really hard I could find one thing that was tolerable. One thing that was passable as average, but mostly I disgusted myself. The eating disorders had taken hold of me and now I was down the rabbit hole and sinking faster and faster into some alternative universe where nothing made sense and everything was upside down.
READ ALSO: Are Eating Disorders Genetic?
Logically, I knew that the khakis that I wore to work were so big that I had started wearing long johns under my uniform just to appear larger than I was which was ironic because I was severely restricting what I ate in order to lose weight.
I know what it’s like to have an eating disorder. I knew I was anorexic. It wasn’t a secret to me.
On some level, I knew that I was severely underweight but I wasn’t going to admit it, not even to myself. Admitting that I was at an acceptable weight or below without feeling happy, complete with myself, meant failure; failure at keeping control of my life. I knew that if I lost the tiniest bit of control of the runaway train that was my life, the entire thing would derail.
It’s hard to go full-on all the time. I was going to university full time, working full time, living in a large city away from all of my family and friends. I had bit off more than I could chew but I wasn’t ready to admit that I had eating disorders. I’d rather die than admit failure. Funny how I never knew what that statement truly meant before that very moment.
READ ALSO: Netflix’s Bones realistically portrays life with eating disorders
I’d left behind my entire life; my family, my friends, my boyfriend. I did all of this to run away from my life, thinking that if I got far enough away from it all, everything would work itself out but it didn’t. Feeling out of control and overwhelmed, nothing was working out the way I had planned it to be. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get it all back on track so I restricted and micromanaged in the only place I still had complete control; my food. I clung to my eating disorders for dear life, ironic since they were killing me.
Being a girl with eating disorders became the only description of myself that I recognized myself. It defined my existence.
I’d started restricting a couple of years prior but I’d been caught. It was embarrassing and I promised to stop but I never did. I couldn’t. If I would have let the chaos in for a second, my entire world have unraveled and it was pretty much held together by a stick of bubblegum and a prayer as it was so for 8 years, I hid what I was doing. I felt like a fraud.
It was the one secret that I couldn’t share with anyone because they’d try to save me from myself. I didn’t want to be saved. Or maybe I did but I wasn’t willing to turn my life over to someone else to save. I thought I had it under control. I didn’t.
READ ALSO: Eating Disorders Affect More than Just Your Body
I spent my days hiding the real me from everyone who cared about me. This made me bitter and angry. Why couldn’t they just accept me as I was? Why’d they try to change me? Why must they try to stop me? Didn’t they realize that this was the only thing that had gotten me through? I wore my thigh gap with hard-earned pride, why were they trying to take this small victory from me?
My eating disorders made me feel in control.
I needed to restrict to feel normal and the threat that someone would try to make me stop sent me into personal seclusion, becoming prone to crying inexplicably and blowing up for no apparent reason. Most days, I straddled between the reality of my disease and the delusion that it would all end up fine. Stupidly, I held on to that delusion like I was drowning and it was my only salvation.
READ ALSO: All Little Girls think they’re Fat
To let reality in, to let anyone in, meant to face the fact that I had already lost all control. Then one day, when I was at my bottom, the delusion was sweeping me away and drowning me but reality kept whispering in my ear, “This will be the last time. This is your last chance to save yourself.” That’s when I knew the eating disorders had to end.
I relinquished control. It wasn’t taken from me. I gave it up. My only real choice was that I had to give myself over to something bigger than myself, to be honest, and start fresh. Eating disorders are lonely and isolating. I just wanted to be free of the shackles of the lies. Hopeful, I wanted to live and love and grow old and that was not going to happen if I didn’t give up control of my runaway life. Embracing the chaos and facing my fears was my only option. None of that was going to happen if I was dead.
Eating Disorders will kill you if you don’t stop. Ask for help.
If you know someone who has eating disorders or suspect that your child might be headed down that road, I’ve written a checklist of warning signs that you might not have otherwise known to look for. Eating disorders no matter how inconsequential they may seem at first can quickly spiral out of control. Never ignore the signs because if you do, it may be too late to save your child.
This is just one day in the life of a girl with eating disorders, imagine how hard it is to live that life day after day with no end in sight?
This is what it is like in the day of a girl with eating disorders.
Bailey O’Neill Bullied and Dies one day after Birthday
Bailey O’Neill turned 12-years-old on Saturday, March 2; the same night that we were having a slumber party to celebrate my Bella’s upcoming 8th birthday. While we were celebrating, Bailey O’Neill and his family were not because Baily was in the hospital recuperating after a January attack by bullies left him in a coma. He died in the hospital on Sunday, March 3, one day after turning 12. When the eff are we going to say no more? When are we, the people, going to stand up against the bullies and fight back to protect the little guy?Bailey’s family says he was attacked on the playground at his Darby Township School in Pennsylvania back in January, suffering a concussion and broken nose. That would have been enough for me to drag these kids in and press charges. Nobody puts a hand on my baby. This case makes me want to scream. How many of our children have to die before we start treating bullies like the criminals that they are?
He was taken to the hospital for treatment when his parents noticed that Bailey was displaying unusual behavior and wasn’t interested in eating. I wouldn’t have been much interested in eating either if I had been jumped or had my nose broken and suffered a concussion at school. I would instead be feeling vulnerable and afraid for my life. Where were the teachers? Why wasn’t there some sort of adult supervision? Where were the adults who are supposed to protect our children?
The day after the attack, Bailey O’Neill began to suffer violent seizures, leading doctors to put him into a medically induced coma. While in the coma, Baily caught pneumonia. Doctors were forced to give him a blood transfusion.
Bailey O’Neill died on Sunday.
I don’t know about you but I don’t send my child to school so that they can be bullied, belittled or accosted.The bullies who beat Bailey O’Neill senseless may not have killed him on the playground but they certainly set into motion circumstances that killed him and took a child from the arms of his parents too soon.
As a mother, my heart is broken and I am pissed off. I want to see the children who assaulted him with such flagrant disregard for his life punished. Bullying is killing our children directly through these sorts of brutal acts like this one that took the life of Bailey O’Neill or indirectly by pushing our children to the point where life is so unlivable because of the constant torture that they feel that the only way to get relief is to kill themselves. I am enraged by this. This should make you angry too. This is bullshit and it could happen to any of our children.No one is safe from these sorts of miscreants.
They don’t need to do anything to provoke it. No child deserves to be bullied. Yet, we all sit around and accept bullies to be a part of life; something to be tolerated and accepted. I say no more. No way can we accept this anymore.
I spent yesterday listening as my daughter recounted with excitement every detail of her first sleepover. As I sat there exhausted from no sleep, I happily smiled and listened because she was here to share with me; to hear her giggle, for me to hug. Bailey’s parents have been robbed of their son forever by careless and cruel bullies who thought it was their right to pick on Bailey just because they wanted to with no regard for what he meant to the people in his life. What makes bullies think they are more important or have more value in society than those they bully? Don’t let Bailey O’Neill’s death be in vain, fight to change the way we tolerate bullies. Stop now.
What do you think should happen to bullies who cause the death of children like Bailey O’Neill.
How to Spend Less Time Stressing In 2023
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
The new year is the opportunity to consider your new year’s resolutions or more honestly, reconsider your life choices. But, while many resolutions concern improving yourself, you can also look at better ways to deal with the world around you. In today’s world, a common issue experienced by many people is stress and anxiety. Although it is a natural feeling, stress is one that can also cause severe problems for many people, especially those who work full time and have to juggle family demands. If you’re looking for a positive change in the new year and beyond, consider these tips to spend less time stressing.
Be More Active
More activity and exercise can positively impact your stress levels. You don’t need to become a bodybuilder or run a marathon, but you can still find an activity that works for you. Yoga, short runs, or walks around the neighborhood are excellent options to begin with, and you’ll quickly find an activity that you love. If you’re looking for something more team-based, there should be plenty of clubs nearby that you can explore and join.
Spend More Time Outside
With more activity comes more time spent outside, but you don’t need intense exercise to get the benefits of fresh air and nature. Again, walking is a fantastic solution, especially if you live close to nature walks while getting a dog could give you a reason to get out of the house. Even so, simply going outside more often rather than sitting on the sofa watching TV could make a significant difference to your stress levels.
Find A Routine That Works For You
Everyone is different, so there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Instead, you should find a routine that works for you. If activity and nature don’t hit the right notes, you can still find something beneficial. Many people will choose to unwind with a book, while others may prefer to celebrate the end of each day with a delicious home-cooked meal.
Be More Organized
Strong organizational skills are a clear sign of productive people who do not encounter as much stress. By being more organized, you always feel ready for whatever’s coming up. You are prepared for meetings, and you have a straightforward list of tasks and projects you need to focus on for the week. By referencing this list, you can stay on top of everything, making it easier to manage your time and stay on top of all your responsibilities.
Accept What you Can’t Control
No matter who you are, there will always be things out of your control, but it’s often stressful when you feel powerless, which can cause many other problems in your life. Looking for solutions to problems you can’t solve or control will only make you even more stressed. The sooner you recognize what you can and cannot control, the easier it will be to manage your stress. You can focus on more important things and avoid unnecessary stress and panic that could impact your performance and happiness.
Get Off Your Phone
Your smartphone has been a godsend for many reasons. You are always connected to friends, family, and the office, so you never miss a thing. However, this is as much of a curse as it is a blessing. Spending too much time on your phone can make it difficult to get to sleep as the blue light affects your brain chemistry. Social media also forces you to compare yourself to others, especially strangers. You can feel like you’ll never match their incredible and exciting life, making you feel stressed.
Lower Caffeine Intake
Although coffee and tea have been fantastic friends throughout the years, relying on them too much can cause issues. One significant reason is that caffeine can increase stress and raise your blood pressure, and these two problems often go hand in hand. You don’t need to ditch your morning coffee (although a cold glass of water can give you the same wake-up jolt), but you shouldn’t rely on it all day, especially not anytime after 2 PM.
Balance Your Time Better
The work-life balance has become a popular topic throughout every industry over the past few years. Thankfully, more people realize that their leisure time is just as (if not even more) important than their work time. Many people cannot afford to ditch their job, but that doesn’t mean they can’t find ways to balance their time better. Many people experience stress because they work long hours and don’t get time to unwind. If you want to overcome this, being kinder to yourself and setting workplace boundaries should help you treat yourself and benefit your professional and personal life.
Stop Procrastinating
Everyone has that project they have been putting off for days or even weeks. It seems too complicated or dull, and you’d want to do anything else. However, the project is not going away, so preventing procrastination will take a load off your mind. Simply facing up to the task at hand can provide relief, and this will make it easier to tackle your next project without too much stress along the way.
Have Stress-Busting Solutions
No one can live without some stress, and there may be times when this stress is inescapable. Rather than have a negative reaction, you must find stress-busting solutions. You may be amazed to see how effective deep breathing techniques are in stressful situations. These techniques provide positive coping mechanisms rather than shouting or panicking. Breathing is not the only option. You can also try mindfulness or meditation to ease any stress you encounter.
Stress-Free
You won’t go through the year entirely stress-free, and stress is sometimes good for you. Still, allowing stress to become a frequent part of your life can cause many challenges, which often compound to make your experience worse. With these tips, you can find ways to overcome and avoid stress when it’s not needed to ensure you feel happier and more positive.