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Letter to Parents of Autistic Teen, Max Begley: “You have a Retarded Kid, deal with it!” Not a Hate Crime

WTF is wrong with people? I have seen some pretty crazy shit in my lifetime but nothing compares to the disturbing letter written by an anonymous Newcastle, Ontario neighbor calling herself, “One Pissed Off Mother” urging the parents of a 13-year-old autistic teen, Max Begley, to “…take whatever non-retarded body parts he possesses and donate it to science…” Going so far as to write the words,
Do the right thing and move or euthanize him!!!
If you read the above letter and your jaw did not hit the ground, I’m not sure that we can be friends. When I read this letter for the first time, first I was in shock, then my heart was broken that someone would say something like this about another human being, never mind a special needs child and lastly, I was pissed off and that is where I am this morning.Hey, anonymous asshole, you are not the only pissed off mother today. I’m pissed off too. Pissed off that animals like you are not kept in cages. Let’s be clear, Max Begley has a disability that he was born with. He has no control over it. YOU.CHOSE.TO.BE.AN.ASSHOLE!!!!!!
The even crazier part is that police won’t be able to pursue hate crime charges for the anonymous letter.
“Despite the hateful language used … the content of the letter falls below the threshold for a hate crime,” police said in a statement Tuesday.

Police are asking anyone with information regarding the case should call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-8477 (TIPS and they are still moving ahead with a criminal investigation. This cannot be swept under the rug. These actions were too heinous and reprehensible.
If that is not dripping with hatred, I don’t know what is. This letter is the epitome of hatred.The one good thing to come out of this whole awful ordeal is that the community is rallying around Max and supporting his family. Tolerance and kindness are filling the space where hatred once was.
We all have bad days. Maybe this one pissed off cretin was having a bad day. Maybe her “normal” kids were being monsters and she was trying to get everything around for back-to-school, maybe her husband’s a drunk who beats her, maybe her daddy didn’t love her, maybe she can’t find a job, maybe she’s not slept in 9 years and she’s about to lose her house and maybe she took all her frustration with the world and her life and put it into this letter, viciously attacking and wishing death on a child. Maybe she needs mental help? Even taking all of these conditions into consideration, that is NO excuse to call a child names and tell his parents to do the world a favor and euthanize their son.
As a mother, I am appalled that any other mother would not only lack the compassion it takes to write such a disgusting letter but be so callous in her disregard for this child’s life and for the struggles of his parents. Let me be clear, this “one pissed off mother” is a C You Next Thursday in the worst way and I kinda hope her identity is revealed and the neighbors ostracize her ass right out of the neighborhood. This woman should have her children taken away and her uterus removed because she does not deserve to have children, be around children or humans; big or small.

I am still in shock that any “mother” would ever think such things, never mind, write them down and send them to someone.Why would she think that these parents of Max Begley should take their child and move to a trailer in the woods? Just because he was born with a disability, does that make him less deserving of medical attention and love and life? He has done nothing to deserve this hatred from her other than being vocal in his neighborhood.
This is everything that is wrong with this world. So called “normal” people wanting to lock those of us who are different away in a tower, an institution, a trailer in the woods or a deserted island hidden from the world like some kind of monsters. Just because you don’t see us doesn’t mean that we don’t exist. Just because you ignore us doesn’t mean that we don’t feel and your cruelty cuts deep. You, one pissed of mother, you are the monster!
Anyone who can write the below line has their own set of problems beyond a autistic teen being a vocal “nuisance.”
I HATE people like you who believe, just because you have a special needs kid, you are entitled to special treatment!!!
They do not want special treatment. That is the entire point. They want to be treated like any other family. They want to live in a neighborhood and be a family. It is monsters like one pissed off mother who make this impossible by being cruel, unkind and lacking of human compassion and understanding.
What do you think of this One Pissed Off Mother? What would you do if you were Max Begley’s parents?
2013/08/20
The House that Built Me
I’m feeling a little nostalgic for my home and my parents. Who knows maybe it has something to do with my girls and all these firsts for them of late, the letting go and moving on a letting go some more, maybe it has to do with the loneliness and upheaval of my husband being 300 miles away on a daily basis, or maybe the fact that my Mom has been ill and I have been worried about her health…missing my Mommy. They say love makes a house a home and that home is where the heart is. I believe that. I grew up in a small house with 6 brothers and sisters, but we loved each other. It may not have been much to look at but it was home. It is where I grew from a child to a woman. (more…)
2010/08/26
Throat Punch Thursday~ Justin and Dante Robinson Murder Autumn Pasquale for her BMX Bike

Autumn Pasquale
Two teenage brothers, Justin,15, and Dante, 17, Robinson, have been charged with allegedly murdering of 12-year-old, Autumn Pasquale, who disappeared while riding her BMX bike. After a 48-hour search for Autumn Pasquale, investigators found her body stuffed into a recycling bin behind a vacant house next to the one where the boys lived with their family. These sociopaths beat her, strangled her and stuffed her into the bin like a piece of garbage. This was someone’s little girl. (more…)
2012/10/24
NO texting while driving for me…anymore!
Tonight, I settled into my Sunday evening quiet by turning on the television and mindlessly flipping the dial. I stopped on Extreme Makeover. I NEVER stop on Extreme Makeover, mostly because at some point in the show I will end up crying. Sunday’s are usually bad for me anyway so I figure why add fuel to the fire. But tonight, something was different…Extreme Makeover was calling to me.
Photo courtesy of Google image
The show tonight was about the Brown family. The day was like any other day. Alex Brown’s father, Johnny Mack, gave her a kiss on the forehead before he left for work and told her to be good, something I’ve seen the Big Guy do a million times with our own girls. Something, most of us do an a daily basis. We take a deep breath, kiss those little loves of our lives Goodbye for now and go out into the world or send them out into the world. Only that day, in November of 2009, was not like any other day, it would turn out to be the worst day of the Brown family’s life. That was the day that Jeanne and Johnny Mack Brown lost their daughter, Alex, a senior in high school, got into a 18-wheeler accident.
Katrina, her sister, lost her big sister and mentor in life. While driving to school, Alex was texting, she was distracted, lost control of her vehicle and rolled her pick up truck according to what the truck accident attorney mentioned.
This beautiful promising life, about to go off to college and make a difference in the world, was crudely ejected from the vehicle through the windshield, only to have her truck roll on top of her, crushing her and ultimately causing injuries that proved fatal. People who have miraculously survived tragic accidents like this but are unfortunately and severely disabled can seek the legal assistance of social security attorneys in order to have the compensation that they need especially for the medical expenses.
I can not even imagine the pain and loss Jeanne and Johnny Mack Brown feel on a daily basis. To honor her memory, they spend all their free time traveling to area high schools showing Alex’s rolled truck to other students to demonstrate the possible dangers of texting while driving, spreading the message as far as their funds and abilities will let them.
They have made it their life’s mission to stop other families from suffering such a great loss by giving advice to other with the help of indianapolis truck accident lawyer.
Now, I’m not going to lie..I am a drive and text sort of person. ( Well, I was… up until tonight). I know it’s wrong. I know it’s dangerous and could lead to car accidents. Yet, I find myself doing it constantly. But tonight, when I watched this episode, it hit me…what if I were texting and my girls were in the car ( as they usually are)? I could wreck and kill them. KILL THEM! Let that sink in for a moment. Obviously, I don’t want to die but I can’t live with the possibility of putting my littles in danger. Not to mention what a horrible example I am setting for them. Let’s say for a minute that I am the exception and I’m lucky enough to avoid any disasters but one day, in the not so distant future, Bella or Gabs could get into a vehicle and mimic just what they’ve seen their Mommy doing…texting while driving. God forbid they get into an accident themselves and, or worse still, die. So, tonight, I went to the Remember Alex Brown website and I signed the pledge. I know this sounds hokey and out of character for me. I know I am snarktastic and have mocked Oprah for her pledge against this very thing. But I am big enough to admit when I have been wrong. It just took me a bit to see the error of my ways. I’ve decided that I refuse to put my children in that kind of danger, my family through that kind of pain or have any part in perpetuating this behavior in my children’s lives. I signed the pledge and I WILL NOT text while driving…ever again. I also what you to learn this here now that you can still file a claim on an accident that you were partially at fault in. I hope that you will take this pledge with me. I don’t really care if you electronically sign a pledge to a foundation, but I ‘d like you all to commit to not texting while driving. Think of yourself..think of your children! The life you may be saving by NOT texting while driving…may be the one that you helped to bring into this world.
2011/01/30
The Last Day of another Decade of Life
Today is the last day of another decade of life for me. Of course, it would fall on a Monday on the heaviest day of shark week. This does not surprise me. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring, as none of us are, but if turning 30 taught me anything, expect the unexpected.
(more…)
2012/09/25
Sometimes the Cheesiest Things are Worth Celebrating
This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Culver’s. The opinions and text are all mine.

What is the one food you can’t live without? Seriously, if you were stranded on a deserted island for the rest of your life and had to eat one thing every day for eternity, what would it be? Wine excluded.
Personally, pizza and ice cream have always been at the top of my favorites list but if I’m being completely honest, it’s cheese. I love cheese on everything; vegetables, fruit, meat and especially by itself. I just believe that if you add cheese to anything, it’s an improvement.
When I was little and things were difficult, or I didn’t feel well, my mom always had the cure; grilled cheese. There was just something about warm ooey-gooey cheese inside that crispy, golden outer shell. Since then, cheese has had a special place in my heart.
Thanks to Culvers, I discovered a new way to enjoy cheese through cheese curds. Have you ever had cheese curds? I had never eaten cheese curds before and, honestly, had no idea what they even were. Obviously, it had something to do with cheese but what? I had no idea.
Let me explain. Culver’s Cheese Curds are snackable, bite-sized chunks of white and yellow Cheddar cheese, breaded and deep-fried for a warm, buttery crunch. They are out of this world and my family agrees; fried cheese is simple but absolutely delicious. I can’t believe that I’ve lived this long without ever trying cheese curds.
Culver’s cheese curds are made using farm fresh dairy from Wisconsin family farms. Everybody knows that Wisconsin has the best cheese. Every single cheese curd comes from La Grandier Hillside Dairy in Stanley, Wisconsin, a Culver’s partner for nearly 20 years so you consistently get that same high-quality taste.
Cheese curds come in two types of fresh cheese: white or yellow cheddar. They’re breaded with a signature blend of herbs and spices and transformed into pure buttery deliciousness.
They say finding a heart-shaped Cheese curd means you’ll have good luck! Also, fun menu hack: get a side of Cheese Curds and pile them in your butter burger for a taste that’s nothing short of magical. Just a little warm, cheese bursting surprise in your mouth to kick that burger up a notch.
They are so delicious that Culver’s has dedicated an entire day to celebrating them and ordained October 15th, National Cheese Curd Day to celebrate Culver’s Wisconsin- inspired Cheese Curds in all their ooey-gooey gloriousness.
Savoring your first Wisconsin cheese curd is an experience to remember and share, which is exactly what my family and I did today. Why not celebrate National Cheese Curd Day this October 15th by visiting Culvers for a little delicousness of your own?
2017/10/11
Throat Punch Thursday ~ Baby Lisa Disappeared into Thin Air Edition
Baby Lisa
Baby Lisa Irwin~ Not going to lie, I am a little emotionally spent after yesterday’s coming out of the diagnosis closet post but this Throat Punch had to be issued. It’s been a long time coming. Baby Lisa Irwin is the 10 month old baby from Kansas City who mysteriously disappeared into thin air during the night of October 3, 2011 while her mother, Deborah Bradley, fell into a drunken slumber. I really don’t know what to think. If the parents had nothing to do with this, my heart breaks for them. But my gut, my gut tells me that Baby Lisa’s parents, Deborah Bradley and Jeremy Irwin know something. As I’ve always believed that JonBenet Ramsey’s parents know what happened to JonBenet, and Casey Anthony knows what happened to little Caylee, something tells me that either one or both of little baby Lisa Irwin’s parents know what has happened to her. I’ve never known of a baby this young to go missing on their own. It is practically unfeasible. It’s not like she packed a bag and took off on her own. Somebody came into that house and took that child out of there. But who would take Baby Lisa? And more sinister, why? What for?
Baby Lisa Missing
This has been the tragic headline for the last 3 weeks. Little by little more information continues to come out. Seems the media teeters between sympathy and accusation, leaning towards accusation. Here are a few speculative scenarios that I have come up with:
- Deborah Bradley was so intoxicated that she dropped, hurt, or let baby Lisa fall off of a table, bust her head or Deborah accidentally delivered a fatal blow. Maybe the baby was in the bed too and Deborah rolled over on top of her and smothered her.
- Maybe Deborah was drunk and distracted and one of the boys accidentally hurt baby Lisa and hid the fact. Maybe Deborah covered for them. Maybe Jeremy Irwin came home and found the scene and had to protect what was left of his family.
- Maybe Jeremy Irwin stole the child. (He’s never really crying when we see him on TV). Maybe the child is somewhere safe and when this is all over he is leaving Deborah Bradley and rejoining with his baby girl on some far off city in Switzerland.
- Maybe Jeremy Irwin has a lover and she has the baby and is hiding out in their love nest, awaiting his arrival.
- Maybe it was just a tragic accident and everyone made a gross misjudgement and burned the baby in the dumpster, buried her in the yard, under the floorboards, side of the road..who knows.
- A complete stranger broke into the Irwin home and stole the baby, who just happened to be the only family member on that side of the house. Does anyone else find it odd that the baby would be the person furthest in the house from the mom?
- Perhaps, someone the family knew came into the house and took the baby.
- Maybe they sold the baby and are having a little sellers remorse?
- Maybe Baby Lisa was abducted by aliens?
This is all speculation, but what is not speculation is that Baby Lisa is missing for almost a month and somebody knows what happened and I am not buying the intruder came in and stole the baby story. If the parents had nothing to do with it, I am so sorry for what they are going through but I feel like they know something, even if they had nothing to do with what actually happened to the little girl. I keep seeing clips of Deborah Bradley overcome with emotion when talking about her child, but this could be genuine overwhelmed emotion at the situation of her child being missing or it could be an overwhelming sense of guilt. No matter the reason, one thing still remains true about Baby Lisa is gone.
This weeks Throat Punch goes to parents who should have done everything possible to enable the search, a Kansas City police force that should have acted faster and with more force to solve this crime within the first 48 hours, and for anyone or anything who would remove a baby from it’s home in the dead of the night, lose a baby, get completely drunk with no other responsible adult in the home to tend to the babies needs and to anyone who thinks that these parents don’t know something more than they are telling. I hope baby Lisa is found alive and well and this is a hoax, but I fear that the scenario will end more like that of poor little Caylee Anthony.
Baby Lisa is Missing
2011/10/27
Thanksgiving Recipe How to Roast the Perfect Turkey
Ever wonder how to roast the perfect turkey? I had no idea how to cook a turkey the first year I hosted Thanksgiving. I just knew I wanted all of my family together in one place. If that meant that I had to learn how to roast the perfect turkey, so be it. I’d do it. That’s how I learned how to roast a turkey.
I did a lot of research online and on Pinterest before I dove deep into this recipe. I wanted to prepare the best tasting, most moist turkey that ever graced a Thanksgiving tablescape and I did a pretty good job on my first year. By year two, I had all the kinks worked out and there’s been no turning back since.
This turkey recipe is very easy and has worked better than beautifully for me for the past 7 years. I am not a domestic diva but there are a few things that I can really cook so well that it will knock the taste right outta your mouth..turkey is one of those things. So, I want to share with you all my secret of how to roast the perfect turkey. Thanksgiving is my holiday our entire family, both sides come to our house because the Big Guy and I absolutely know how to roast the perfect turkey. I know people deep fry, rotisserie and all sorts of creative ideas but when it comes to Thanksgiving dinner, I like my turkey traditional. Today I will share with you what I’ve perfected as the sure-fire way of how to roast the perfect turkey.
Easy tips on how to roast a turkey perfectly every time
1. Learning how to roast the perfect turkey starts with selecting the right turkey for your family. To calculate how much turkey you will need, I use the rule that allows for 1 pound of turkey for every adult and 3/4 pounds for every child that you will be feeding. You will have leftovers and there will be no fighting over portions. Everyone will have their fair share of the tryptophan high that Thanksgiving brings us all.
2. Start with preheating the oven to 400 degrees.
3. Remove turkey from bag. We have found that buying a non-frozen fresh turkey works the best. It eliminates the headache of thawing. We found this out the hard way when we had our turkey thawing in our game room fridge and little people playing under the bar cabinets, accidentally knocked the plug out of the wall. ( I know so dangerous, please hold all judgment.) Keep in mind that a partially frozen turkey will take longer to cook.
4. If you need help deciding between fresh or frozen here are a few facts:
  - Fresh turkeys need no thawing and are ready to cook. Winning! This is my favorite tip on how to roast the perfect turkey.
  - Fresh Butterball turkeys are all natural.
  - Frozen turkeys can be purchased weeks in advance but require several days of thawing before roasting. A quick rule of thumb is to allow 1 day for every 4 pounds of turkey. We normally get about a 26-pound turkey. Yes, it takes forever to defrost in the refrigerator but it is less likely to give you salmonella than trying to defrost in cold water overnight. The water needs to be cold and changed every 30 minutes to prevent bacteria from growing. If you are not going with a fresh turkey, please defrost using the refrigerator.
5. Remove all the innards. Do not forget the neck-bone and giblets, sometimes if you have a frozen turkey the neck-bone and giblets try to stay inside. Just remember, every turkey comes with the neck-bone and giblets inside so if you don’t find them. LOOK HARDER they are most likely still frozen inside.
6. Drain juices and pat dry with clean paper towels. I like to rinse it once before I pat it dry.
7. Place turkey lifter across the full length of a flat rack in a shallow roasting pan, 2 to 2 1/2 inches deep. Keep in mind that a dark roasting pan cooks the turkey faster than a shiny one.
8. Tuck wings back to hold the neck skin in place. Doing so will help stabilize the turkey in the pan and when carving. Place thawed or fresh turkey, breast up, on the turkey lifter. Raise one loop over wings and breast, and the other loop over drumsticks. Rest loops on turkey, not over the edge of the pan during roasting.
9. *Next, this is important.* I place my hand between the skin and turkey itself. Then, gently lift on the skin. This separates the skin intact without removing it from the turkey. ( I fully realize that this is about as gross as pulling out the guts from a pumpkin but I enjoy that too:) Then take pats of butter and place inside the space between the turkey and skin. While the turkey cooks the butter flavor will seep into the turkey.
10. This step is essential to ensuring moistness and a key factor in how to roast the perfect turkey, massage turkey skin with vegetable/olive oil ( I prefer olive oil) to prevent the skin from drying and locking in the juices, keeping your turkey moist.
11. Melt about a cup of butter ( unsalted preferably) and pour over the turkey while massaging it into the turkey. Then shower the turkey with salt and pepper. Massage again. ( This turkey is very relaxed by the time he goes into the oven.)
12. I do not stuff my turkey with stuffing. I do however quarter 2 lemons and 3 oranges and place inside the turkey along with some rosemary and thyme. There are a variety of things you can add inside your turkey for flavoring but oranges, lemons, rosemary and thyme are what I use. I keep it simple.
13. Turn oven down to 325 degrees for cooking. To cook the perfect turkey we preheat to 400 degrees because once you put the turkey in the oven, it seals in the juices an then immediately turn the oven down 325 degrees for cooking. If this is your first time, I don’t suggest waiting until turkey is in the oven before turning down temperature because there is a big possibility that you will forget and burn the outside of your turkey while the inside is still frozen.
14. Insert oven-safe meat thermometer deep into the lower part of the thigh muscle but not touching the bone. When the thigh is up to temperature and if the turkey is stuffed, move thermometer to center of stuffing. Stuffing should be 165 degrees when done.
READ ALSO: How to Make Sweet Potato Casserole
15. I do not stuff my bird with stuffing when roasting, it slows down the cooking process. I fear if I did, I’d have to title this post How to get Salmonella rather than How to roast the perfect turkey.
16. Place your turkey with a loosely tented piece of lightweight foil atop the breast and top of drumsticks to prevent overcooking in the pre-heated oven at 325 degrees. If you place your dark roasting lid on the turkey it will speed up the roasting process. I prefer to cook my turkey slowly. Think of that lid as Pitocin for your turkey, it will speed up the process but it might not give you the best results. The turkey may be drier than it would have been otherwise.
17. I check the turkey about every hour and baste it in its juices. This helps keep the skin moist and helps to brown the turkey. Yes, I do realize that I am obsessed with keeping my turkey moist. Have you ever had dry turkey? It’s almost impossible to eat and I don’t want to choke to death on Thanksgiving.
18. Use the roasting schedule below as a guide and start checking for doneness about 30 minutes before the end of recommended cooking times.
19. When the turkey is about 2/3 done, uncover the turkey to allow for the skin to cook to a beautiful golden brown. This is the perfect time to start preparing those final side dishes like the recipe for those delicious stuffed sweet potatoes I found on Lady and the Blog.
20. Your turkey is done when the meat thermometer reaches the following temperatures:
180 degrees deep in the thigh. At this temperature, juices should be clear, not reddish pink when thigh muscle is pierced deeply.
165 degrees in the center of the stuffing, if the turkey is stuffed.
21. Lift roasted turkey onto a platter with turkey lifter and discard lifter.
22. Before removing stuffing and carving, let your turkey stand 15 minutes to allow juices to set. Garnish as you like, I use citrus and cranberries. This is how to roast the perfect turkey.
READ ALSO: Thanksgiving Recipes for the Perfect Holiday Dinner
How to roast the perfect turkey every time
Net Weight (lb.) Unstuffed (hrs.) Stuffed (hrs.)
4½ to 7 2 to 2½ 2¼ to 2¾
7 to 9 2½ to 3 2¾ to 3½
9 to 18 3 to 3½ 3¾ to 4½
18 to 22 3½ to 4 4½ to 5
22 to 24 4 to 4½ 5 to 5½
24 to 30 4½ to 5 5½ to 6¼
I know there are many ways to roast the perfect turkey but this is what has worked for me for many Thanksgivings. How do you roast your perfect turkey? What are your favorite Thanksgiving sides? What are your must haves at Thanksgiving? Stay tuned, I will be sharing a few of my favorite sides over the next week. How to roast the perfect turkey is the key to how to have a perfect Thanksgiving with your loved ones.
How to Roast a Turkey to perfection
2011/11/15
Live Like A Lorax
How do You Live Like A Lorax?
What are you planning on doing with your children to help save our planet? Can’t we all stand to be a little greener? I KNOW we can in my house. Sure I take steps to be kind to the earth but when I get too busy or things get “inconvenient” all the “Green” goes out the door. This Earth Day, I am re-committing to taking some steps (with my children) to be kind to the earth. Are you? (more…)
2012/04/10
When the Patient Portal Surprises You with Cancer
Does your doctor use a patient portal? Sounds great, right? I’m tech savvy. I hate waiting for people to “get back to me”. I am all about the technological advancements and if I can get my results instantly online, why wait? Right?
Well, up until last week, I would have whole-heartedly agreed with you. I am impatient. I don’t like waiting on results. It stresses me the eff out. Like seriously, sends my blood pressure up and occupies my every waking moment. I fixate. The unknown scares the hell out of me.
The known, I can do something about. I can formulate a plan, make a checklist, do what I’m supposed to do to check things off the checklist and unlock the next level. That is how I work. You give me a challenge; I find the solution. I don’t like unfinished things. I need to see, pursue and conquer. It’s how I’m wired.
READ ALSO: That One Time I thought I was Having A Heart Attack
It’s been a busy month, with lots of surprises and not all surprises that I wanted. Last Monday, my world came crashing down around my feet. I got that news the good old fashioned way, face-to-face. Thank God because I needed to see my doctor’s face when she reassured me “everything was reversible.” Whew. Terrifying but fixable.
I’m used to things not going perfectly but when I was told that my health was failing, well, it shook me to my very core. Like reevaluate your entire life, wade through the murky facts that you could die and then pull yourself up by your bootstraps and fix it. I won’t lie, the first three days of last week after getting the news, were hard for me.
There were meds and a complete lifestyle change. My life felt in upheaval; complete chaos and it left me depressed. I’ve not done depressed many times in my life. Honestly, I’m mostly manic but when life throws you these kinds of curveballs it’s too much and all you can do is feel your feelings, accept your new reality, grieve and move on. That’s what I’ve been doing.
READ ALSO: When Cancer’s on the Table
The thing is it scared me straight. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise but last Monday, my life was shattered into 1 million pieces and I had to look mortality straight in the face. My mind said, “Not today Satan…not today.” But after all was said and done, I changed because I had to. To live, I have to suck it all up and move forward on a new path. Eat right. Portion control. Exercise. Make better choices. Take meds. Repeat. This is my new reality.
It’s not easy but it’s the way it has to be. So, I wallowed in self-pity and carb withdrawal headaches for most of last week. But, this past Monday, when I went to the doctor she told me that I lost 9 lbs., my blood pressure is in the normal range and my sugar levels have come down considerably…almost to normal from 200. All great news. My doctor is very proud of me and I’m pretty proud of myself too. We all know my relationship with food has never been right.
However, TUESDAY was another story. I am still adjusting to meds and feeling a little weird. There have been daily calls into the doctor’s office. I’m sure the nurses have my picture on a bulletin board and I am labeled “frequent caller or send directly to voicemail.” On Monday, my doctor gently urged me to sign up for the new patient portal. Which I’ve always belonged to because of the aforementioned control freak who doesn’t like to wait for people to call her back with results.
READ ALSO: How a Simple Doctor’s Visit Might Save My Life
Monday night, I completed the registration for the new patient portal and logged in at bedtime. As I was reading through my chart and diagnoses, I saw one that I didn’t recognize. Sure I had a lot on my mind when she was telling me I had diabetes and high blood pressure but I heard everything…or did I?
Because right there in my patient portal was a diagnosis for what, when googled, was bone marrow cancer!!! Yes, you read that right. My chart said I have bone marrow cancer but either I went temporarily deaf or my doctor forgot to tell me. Everyone was sleeping. I was hyperventilating. I.Have.Bone.Marrow. Cancer. It kept repeating on a loop in my brain.
I made myself go to sleep. There was nothing else I could do but….think. I woke up at 2 a.m. and I emailed my doctor through the patient portal. I asked her, “Do I have cancer? You told me everything I had was reversible.” Then my mind ran through all of the scenarios and for a brief few minutes, I thought to myself….I can reverse high blood pressure and diabetes but bone marrow cancer? It’s too much. I’m broken.
READ ALSO: When Mental Health is Marginalized
But then, I thought to myself, “ Wait an effing minute. You can’t just give up YOU.HAVE.THE BIG GUY AND THE GIRLS TO THINK ABOUT. Immediately, I rationalized with myself that if I had bone marrow cancer, I’d have to find a way to beat that too. I heard my mom’s voice, “Where there’s a will, there is always a way.” I finally fell back to sleep.
Of course, I had to drive for a field trip for the 8th-grade graduation mass at the Cathedral. I guess there’s no better place to be than mass praying while you’re having the worst morning of your life, take 2 in as many weeks.
I asked the Big Guy, my husband not God, “She’d have told me if I had cancer, right? She’d have to, right?” He assured she would have but his face looked like he wasn’t sure. This poor guy. My warranty has run out and I’m falling apart just 20 years into this marriage thing.
READ ALSO: How Scrambled Eggs made my Marriage Sexy
I didn’t want to freak out the girls so I didn’t say anything. I just went on like normal while I was casually freaking out on the inside. I couldn’t take it anymore and while I was waiting for a carload of 8^th graders to get in my car, I called the doctor’s office over and over until I got a human being.
Finally, my nurse answered the phone. I told her what I saw and asked, “She’d have told me if I had bone marrow cancer, right? She’d have to, right? That would be unethical to send me on my way without making a plan and starting treatment. For the love of God, I WANT TO LIVE. HELP ME!!”
My nurse said, “Debi let me check your file and yes, she would most definitely have said something to you if you had cancer.” I was frantic. The kids were walking towards the car but I couldn’t end this call until I knew one way or the other.
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“Debi there is nothing in your chart or the notes about you having cancer of the bone marrow or otherwise. I am so sorry that you were so scared. If there was something wrong, she would have told you and it would definitely be in the chart. It gave me a random diagnosis before too. It just inserts weird stuff sometimes.” And with that, I had a mini psychotic breakdown because for 12 hours I had bone marrow cancer. I don’t find the patient portal’s behavior to be acceptable.
I’ve never prayed so hard or sung so loud in mass before. Talk about a grateful life. Every day is a gift. Every minute and moment sent on this earth is precious. That was my week. It’s been a crazy one. I’ll tell you one thing, I may never look at that patient portal for as long as I live because it almost killed me.

2019/05/17