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The TRUTH About Motherhood

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  • Good Girls & Double Standards: The Whore/ Virgin Dilemma

    Good Girls & Double Standards: The Whore/ Virgin Dilemma

    Dear Preston Waters,

    I read your piece about good girls today being as illusive as the unicorn; non-existent. I hope you are wrong. I am a unicorn who is currently raising two unicorns (as you call them). I am teaching them to have respect for themselves and do what makes them happy in life. Life is too short to live by other people’s rules; especially when the rules are not clear and ever changing. Good girls are not extinct, maybe you are just too pompous and stupid to see them because you are so busy going for the easy piece of ass and then disregarding the girl who showed you charity.

    I agree that we live in a world where more women are sexually asserting themselves. We live in a world of selfies and social media gone wild. People taking nude photos of themselves and uploading them to the internet or sexting them and having them end up in the wrong hands has become common place. The world has become so small that sometimes we forget that we are not alone with our computer, camera or phone. We forget that the Internet is vast and permanent. Forever. Talk about never being able to outgrow the sins of your youth.

    good girls, unicorns, raising daughters, women, sex

    Women have not lost all morals and respect for themselves, you are just more aware of their indiscretions thanks to social media. Men and women have been making mistakes since the beginning of time. We still have dignity, only now we also have the Internet and our every mistake can live on in infamy. What’s so wrong with a woman enjoying sex, anyways?

    Mr. Waters you are complaining because men have finally gotten everything they ever wanted, women who are willing and able to have consensual sex with you on her terms. No more begging, no more bullying her into it; nope, now women realize that they can choose to embrace their own sexual appetites without being a whore. Still, your misogyny won’t let you accept your gift. We’ve finally broken free of the shackles of patriarchal approval. We finally care more about what we think about ourselves than what you think of us.

    good girls, unicorns, raising daughters, women, sex

    The story has not changed. Men have always liked the chase more than the actual prize. Women figured this out a long time ago. This is why I was a virgin until I was in college. You’ve always wanted the good girl who plays hard to get but is a complete freak in private. But you don’t want to believe that she has ever been with anyone else, ever. So, we’ve let you believe what you wanted.

    “Then you have drugs, uppers being predominant, and many women are addicted to prescription pills to help their “anxiety.” In short, women have become easy, but they have also become broken — and eventually become undesirable because no one stays hot forever. Sure, we men are to blame for this as well, but that is because we are idiots.” Well, you got one thing right.

    Mr. Waters, I don’t think that you would know a unicorn if it bit you in the ass. All women are born unicorns. If they are broken, it is life, full of it’s double standards,painful situations and callous men who treat women like whores that have broken them.

    good girls, unicorns, raising daughters, women, sex

    The problem Mr. Waters is not with the unicorns, it is with assholes like you who put women into categories; whores and virgins. We are more than what resides between our legs. Maybe you need to become a unicorn yourself if you want to attract a unicorn because unicorns don’t want to marry assholes; we prefer unicorns too.

    Sincerely,

    A Unicorn

    good girls, unicorns, raising daughters, women, sex

  • Slipping through my Fingers~It won’t be like this for long

    Slipping through my fingers~ It won’t be like this for long. I know it seems like I have been dwelling on this topic lately but its just been that kind of a week. My little girls seem to be growing up at lightening speed this summer and, quite honestly, its breaking my heart a little bit. Where did my chubby little newborns crying for me to breastfeed them in the middle of the night go? I may have been terminally exhausted but it was a blissful exhaustion. I wore my exhaustion proudly as some sort of badge, screaming to the world, I am A Mommy! I am AWESOME!

    Slipping through my Fingers

    It’s true there is a feeling of entitlement that comes with giving birth. Nothing feels quite like it. Sure, I complained about having no sleep, and was constantly questioning the Gods why she never stopped crying. But secretly,(shhhh) I really didn’t mind at all. Much like  I never really minded the unplanned co-sleeping, kissing booboos, or being the only person who could make their world right again. The same way I never minded having to lay down and cuddle them to get them to sleep, or have a lost lovey fed exed in from Grandma ChaCha because my toddler was inconsolable nor did I mind the tears they shed when I left them for the first time with someone else because ,secretly, I loved it all!I love being their everything even if it is a drag sometimes.
    It seemed a lifetime before my little babies were capable of doing the simplest of tasks. Then ,it was like I looked away for a moment and suddenly , they were capable. Every milestone filled us with elation and pride. That first word couldn’t come fast enough; hearing their voices for the first time was like hearing the voice of God. Then quickly came rolling over, crawling, cruising, walking, etc..it all happened so fast it was like every accomplishment was hurled at me and knocked me onto my ass to sit helplessly and be witness to it all. The thing that no one ever tells you is that with every single new accomplishment, new worries ensue. Of course I wanted them to be more independent. But with each  iota of independence they gained, I had to relinquish a little bit of my heart. I am so proud to be the Mommy of such bright and independent little girls, but the pride is short lived and quickly  heartache takes its place, as I realize soon ….they won’t need me at all!
    I can hardly believe how fast these past 5 years have passed and how much my life has changed from having my girls. Having them has certainly given me a greater purpose and increased my quality of life exponentially, in most regards. I can barely stand the thought that one day, in the not so distant future, I won’t be able to see them every day, and worse, they won’t mind.Why doesn’t anyone tell us about this before we get pregnant. The letting go has got to be the hardest part of Motherhood. I used to think they couldn’t live without me, but really, it’s me who will have difficulty surviving without seeing them every day. How do you survive when your heart has left your body? How do you function? They are like oxygen to my soul.Not in some creepy,I’m going to lock them in the basement until they are 40 type of way, I just mean how can you love someone so much and be expected to exist without them in your life at full capacity?
    These precious moments that we have the privilege of being part of in our children’s lives pass by far too quickly.My rational self knows this is how this relationship is supposed to play out; my heart, however, has major problems with this whole situation and I am not afraid tell you, I think it is is trying to organize a coup on my good sense.This makes me reexamine my relationship with my own Mother. One day it will be me waiting patiently at home for my girls to call, and  its likely that the calls will never come soon or frequent enough. Soon, I will be the one wanting and needing their attention. Sorry, Mom! Hey, karma..pay attention, none of this coming back around shit! I said I was sorry! Mom already has you working in cahoots with her to give me ” a couple little girls that act just like you (me)!” So, karma, lets stop all the craziness. I don’t want what I gave , I want more from my relationship with my own girls!
    I just hope the Mother /Daughter relationship with my girls grows into friendship as they grow up.I want to be a woman who they look up to , want to emulate, and spend time with because of the kind of woman I am not just because they have to because I gave birth to them. I want them to come to me for advice and honesty and value my opinion. This is something that I have to work at now, because it won’t be like this for long.
    But for now, I am going to cherish every single moment of co-sleeping snuggling and random “I LOVE YOU”s that I can get my hands on!

    I had to share this video because, as some of you know, this is the song that my Bella looked me in the eyes and said ,”Mommy, this is me and your song!” She was dead serious and I was stopped dead in my tracks and brought to tears; as I am every single time I hear this damn song!I’m telling you, these girls of mine…they have got to stop growing up so fast!

     

  • This Blogger’s Life…Cecily Kellogg

    This Blogger’s Life…Cecily Kellogg

    Today, I am honored to welcome a woman who needs no introduction and is a force to be reckoned with in the blogging community, Cecily Kellogg to This Blogger’s Life.

    I have “known” Cecily for a few years now but finally had the pleasure of meeting her last year at BlogHer. When I met her I found her to be more beautiful in person than she appears online ( that sounds wrong but what I mean is that she is such a vibrant woman and I don’t feel that comes across fully online) and she is one of the kindest and most down to earth people I’ve ever met. She greeted me with a hug and felt like an old friend almost immediately.

    I’ve always enjoyed reading UpperCase Woman for the transparency of her words and she’s always writing about what’s new and changing on the Internet.  Cecily is a kind soul whose words have weight. She is a doer in the world. She sees something wrong, she puts her back into it and she tries to make a difference. I love that about her.

    Cecily is truly one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. You can follow her on Twitter and Facebook. She looks hardcore like she could kick your ass ( and she probably could if you got on her bad side) but I think you’d be hard pressed to find someone nicer.

    I’m honored to call Cecily Kellogg my friend and it’s my privilege to have her on This Blogger’s Life today.

    This Blogger’s Life…Cecily Kellogg

    Cecily Kellogg, UpperCase Woman, DoubleGood Media, This Blogger's Life, the people behind the blogs, blogging

    Why did you start blogging?

     

    In 2003 I was desperately trying to get pregnant and couldn’t. Someone on a fertility message board

    linked to a handful of blogs and I finally found my tribe. I devoured those blogs and the blogs they all

    linked to, and by March of 2004 I started blogging myself.

     

    What’s one piece of advice that you would give to a new blogger?

     

    Don’t blog about deeply personal things if you’re a sensitive person. I’m sensitive – even hypersensitive

    – and my own psychological makeup means I don’t have many tools for creating barriers between what

    people say about me and how I react to them, although I am working on it (part of this is also because I’m

    an alcoholic; we tend to take everything very personally).

     

    What are the three words that describe you best?

     

    Loud, funny, and sensitive.

     

    What is your favorite website?

     

    Oh god, just one? I couldn’t possibly begin to narrow that down. I mean, I live online. It’s like asking

    someone what their favorite song is. From what decade? In what genre? I utilize so many for my life and

    work I can’t imagine picking one. They are all just tools for doing what I do.

     

    What is your favorite thing to do when you’re not blogging?

     

    Cuddling with my daughter, or hiking.

     

    What’s the most important thing you’ve learned about yourself from blogging?

     

    That I am a great writer.

     

    How do you balance life and blogging?

     

    I actually just read a really good article about this idea of balance that we’re constantly told to strive for.

    I no longer believe in balance. I just do what needs doing and try to make sure I take time to eat well,

    exercise, and be with my family – but sometimes that has to all go by the wayside to get the work done I

    need to do to support my family.

     

    How has blogging changed you or your life?

     

    Everything in my life today is because of blogging. While I do have some good hardcore pre-internet

    friends in my life, and some great connections with my daughter’s school families, most of my closest

    friends are people I’ve met through blogging. It also completely changed my career – not always in the

    best ways – and now I run a boutique content marketing agency that serves a very particular niche. While

    I’ve struggled as a personal blogger – I recently closed comments on posts because of the chronic abuse

    I received from a group of folks – it’s like breathing for me. I can’t imagine life without it.

     

    What do you think makes a successful blog? A great blog? Are they one in the same?

     

    In the decade I’ve been blogging, that has changed so much. I think a great blog requires all of the

    following: excellent writing, great story telling, and a beautiful and user friendly responsive design. It

    doesn’t matter what niche the blog falls in, if it has those components it can be a great blog. The blogs I

    read the most, however, are either industry blogs about tech/content/social media or are the old-school

    blogs written in memoir style that share way too much information and make me fall in love with the story.

     

    If you were to stop blogging today, what would you do with the rest of your life?

     

    I’ve thought about this so much, and in fact, have set up my life so that I can walk away from blogging if I

    need to do so. I’d continue working in online content, just from a business perspective instead of personal

    one (which is about 80% of the work I do already). I’d probably expand deeper into marketing work as

    well. And I’d finally write that damn book.

     

    How do you balance telling your story, without telling the story of others in your life?

     

    Ah, the big question. I’ve learned the hard way that sometimes other people don’t want to star in your

    story. It’s an awkward dance, of course, because my family is part of my story daily. For instance, I often

    write about my father abandoning me as a baby because it has impacted my life in so many ways, but it

    can be hard for my siblings to hear how I feel about him. I’ve taken posts down at their request. But the

    biggest change, of course, is that my daughter is now eight and reads my blog now and then and I need

    to bear that in mind when I write about her. She approves every post where I speak only about her, and

    any photos I post of her. Eventually, I imagine, I won’t be able to write about her at all, and that’s okay.

    I’m not a mommy blogger anyway.

     

    Blogging has changed a lot, just since I started 5 years ago, what do you miss about blogging in

    the early days? What do you love that has changed?

     

    Blogging wasn’t competitive in the early days. It was, really and truly, about community and supporting

    each other. But even so, it was plagued with personalities. I had a huge falling out with another infertility

    blogger after I lost my twins around early 2005, and it was rough and divided our community for a while.

    While today the competitiveness is mostly around the “fame” and the money, it was there even back then.

    I will say that in general the level of vitriol on the web has gotten so, so much worse. That’s the worst

    thing by far. Blogging is rather terrifying now; I’ve been threatened with everything from violent rape to

    being reported to children’s services and more. Without careful monitoring of what I view online, I would

    see non-stop messages about how awful I am. It’s fucking exhausting.

    However, the good part is still the community. I have gotten to know so many amazing people through

    blogging. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

     

    How do you consistently come up with relevant and shareable content?

     

    Well, I obviously find myself fascinating as that is what I generally write about. But I also write about

    elements of politics and culture too.

     

    If you could have a dinner party for 6 people, living or dead, who would you invite?

     

    Honestly? I could list amazing historical figures I’d love to meet, but I’d really rather just have a dinner

    party with my “sister wives”, or my closest girlfriends.

     

    What’s the one thing that people would be surprised to learn about you?

     

    I’m not tough, not even a little. Also, I’m very short and I’m much fatter than I look in my gorgeous avatar

    photos.

     

    What’s the one post that you are most proud of?

     

    This one: https://uppercasewoman.com/2007/04/19/health_vs_life_/

     

    Cecily, I know that you are super busy and I really appreciate you taking the time to let me interview you. Thank you for sharing your stories, no holds barred. It was my pleasure to have you on This Blogger’s Life.  xoxo

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    My Daughter Turned 18 and Graduated – Now What?

    Deborah Cruz
    0
    Happy Throat Punch Thursday to all who celebrate (shhh! I know there’s a lot of you.I saw your DMs)! I’m here to announce that Throat Punch Thursday is coming back, baby! This Maycember shit is for the birds and personally, I’m glad it’s just about over. But, bitches I was harshly and disrespectfully scathed. The […]     Read More
    StayPineapple

    I Found Chicago’s Best-Kept Secret: Why StayPineapple Is the Dog-Friendly Hotel That Will Ruin Your Own Bed Forever

    Deborah Cruz
    0
    There’s something magical about finding a hotel that doesn’t just accommodate your stay but enhances your entire travel experience. As a mom who’s stayed in countless hotels across the globe, I can confidently say that StayPineapple Chicago isn’t just another place to rest your head—it’s a destination in itself that’s capturing the hearts of Gen-Z […]     Read More
    Shot of a young woman looking sad while holding a teddy bear in a bedroom at home

    I Never Held You, But I’ll Always Love You

    Deborah Cruz
    0
    Every year, I dread this day because I never know how I’m going to feel. Am I going to be functional? Am I going to be in the fetal position? Will I feel a certain type of way? Or Will I cry? Will I break shit? Will the day pass nonchalantly? I think that’s the […]     Read More
    Shot of a young doctor applying a band-aid after injecting her patient during a consultation in the clinic

    Born Between 1957-1989? Your Measles Immunity Might Need a Boost

    Deborah Cruz
    0
    As a mom who’s constantly juggling appointments, school pickups, creating content, and keeping everyone healthy, I never expected to find myself rolling up my sleeve for a childhood vaccine again. But that’s exactly what I did last week – getting my second MMR vaccination as an adult. Yes, I got an adult measles booster shot! […]     Read More
    Little boy looking out of the window

    The Cruel Reality: ICE Targeting Immigrant Children for Deportation Under the Guise of “Welfare”

    Deborah Cruz
    0
    As the daughter of an immigrant and a mom, watching Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents conduct so-called “welfare checks” on unaccompanied immigrant children makes my blood boil. What’s presented as concern for child safety is revealed through internal documents to be something far more sinister: a coordinated effort to deport vulnerable children and criminalize […]     Read More
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  • Antoinette Tuff Saves Atlanta Children from Gun Wielding Maniac & Excuse My Use of Hyperbole

    Antoinette Tuff Saves Atlanta Children from Gun Wielding Maniac & Excuse My Use of Hyperbole

    Throat Punch Thursday,Antoinette Tuff, Michael Brandon Hill, Atlanta, armed gunmanToday I want to introduce you to a real life hero Antoinette Tuff because I decided that the world needs one less Throat Punch today. In light of recent events, I feel the need to clarify that you all know that my Throat Punches are not literal, right? I mean, I am not some caped, unitard wearing crusader running around the streets of the world LITERALLY throat punching bad guys.It.is.Hyperbole. Most of you are writers, you know what this means. I am not the Throat Punching Dexter of the Midwest. It’s a figure of speech people. Okay, now that that’s been clarified, let’s move along to some hero-worship.

    I looked at my list and there are plenty of people in the world who deserve to be called out for their bullshit. But today, a common thread in all of these stories is that none of them would exist if there were just a little bit of compassion and human kindness in the world. Today, I am highlighting the caring and compassion of Antoinette Tuff.

    antoinette tuff, michael brandon hill, atlanta, gunman

    Yesterday, a 20-year-old man in need of a mental health intervention, Michael Brandon Hill, allegedly slipped into a Georgia elementary school, Ronald E. McNair Discovery Learning Academy, with a high-powered rifle and nearly five hundred rounds of ammunition. A terrified but colossally brave, Antoinette Tuff, the bookkeeper in the front office, physically positioned herself between him and the 800 innocent children inside. Then, Tuff called 911 and for 25 minutes, spoke to Hill, like a person not a criminal, and saved the day. I have no idea how she kept her cool but I think she is amazing for doing so.

    Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

    “He said he don’t care if he dies, he don’t have nothing to live for,” Tuff told the operator. “He said he’s not mentally stable.”

    “should have just went to the mental hospital instead of doing this because he is not on his medication”

    She bravely spoke openly about her own struggles with depression over the past year and convinced him to remove his weapons and turn himself in. She was the negotiator between the shooter and the police. She never belittled him or tried to run, she showed human compassion and saved a school full of children from being injured or killed. She saved his life too.

    I am in awe of Antoinette Tuff’s bravery. I can’t say what many of us would do in that same situation; probably run unless it was one of our own children locked inside in harms way. I’d like to think I’d be able to stand my ground and show some compassion and protect the children, maybe even stop the situation from going any further.  But I don’t know that many of us would. I think most of us would run out of sheer terror our legs would be going before our brain could stop them.

    This could very easily have been another Sandy Hook. Thank God for good people like Antoinette Tuff. She stopped what could have been a massacre by simply extending some human compassion and quick thinking. This Thursday, Antoinette Tuff is my hero.

    We are all human; black, white, brown, gay, straight, single, married, parent, childless or childfree, Christian, Jew, man, woman, pretty, ugly, able, disabled, mentally ill, genius, educated, uneducated, democrat or republican. We share the same fears and insecurities and we all have to get up, live in this world and try to find happiness within our own heart. We all deserve respect and human kindness because we are all just trying to survive the day.

    I was going to write a Throat Punch Thursday but I already wrote a post on Tuesday about the asshole neighbor who wrote an anonymous letter to the family of an autistic teen suggesting his parents euthanize him and you all know that I am not the violent type. I’m a hugger not a mean girl. Every Thursday, I just like to call out those who are worthy.

    Then I considered giving Forbes Magazine my Throat Punch because honestly, they deserve it. Forbes either thinks very little of women to think that GOMI is a top site for women, they didn’t research at all or they think all women are mean girls. We all know GOMI and choose to, for the most part, ignore it because come on people, we can switch the channel. I believe in freedom of speech. I just hate that Forbes listed it as a great site for women with its success built on reducing women to a punch line. But I won’t write that post because my friend Morgan at the 818 already wrote NO, YOU GET OFF MY INTERNET .

    So, what do you think? Do I offend you with my use of the term Throat Punch Thursday? Have you been living in fear that I might show up at a blog conference and karate chop you to the neck? Rest assured. I will not. I promise.Who knew people who lived in glass houses were so sensitive? Let’s move on, my unitard is starting to itch.

     

    Photo

     

  • The Holiday Spirit or lack Thereof ~ How the Grinch Almost Stole Mommy Revisited

    The Holiday Spirit or lack Thereof ~ How the Grinch Almost Stole Mommy Revisited

    I feel like the Grinch~ This is a post I wrote last year at about this same time and I realized that the same thing is happening again. I’m just recognizing it earlier in the holiday season. I don’t want to be this person who is wound so tight at the holidays that she pops out of her face like a jack in the box at the drop of a hat. This post is a good reminder to stop, breathe and try something different. I think we’ve all had our holiday Grinch moments. Let’s not the Grinch steal our children’s holiday memories or their holiday Mommy.

    The holidays for me are usually all warmth and fuzziness, mostly. Don’t get me wrong they are chocked full of craziness but right underneath the surface of all the chaos, complete happiness is bubbling its way to the surface and about to spill over. But for some reason, this year things feel… off. It all looks great on paper, we are doing all the things that should be done to make wonderful memories for our girls but for some reason, I don’t feel like my heart is in it. I don’t feel the bubbly goodness rising to the top as it should be this far into December.

    Grinch, Christmas, parenthood, stress, holidays

    Grinch, We Don’t Need no Stinkin Grinch

     

    Grinch, Christmas, parenthood, stress, holidays

    Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am watching the finances closely since this year has been full of new jobs, relocations and maintaining separate households, which is nothing to speak of the fact that our whole life has been suspended and not quite right with the Big Guy not living here. Maybe my lack of enthusiasm has something to do with being overwhelmed by the to do lists and not enough time to accomplish the tasks at hand. I have been buried under snow for most of December and there’s been no time for shopping, baking, enjoying. Its been a series of appointments and dates. Truly, I feel like my girls are being jipped out of their Christmas. I’ve been so  caught up in all the obligations that I’ve been snapping at my girls and firing snark from my mouth like an AK-47.I know on more than one occasion, lately, I’ve given them the “are you retarded?” look and may have even said something to that effect, but not quite as awful. But the sentiment was there and that is as guilty as saying the words themselves. Thoughts become words and words become actions.Well, even thinking that makes me a really horrible Grinch of a mother, in my book. I don’t want to be THAT person.I don’t want my girls to think it even fathomable that I could mean such awful words.The thought of them believing that I think they are anything less than amazing or that my love is conditional upon whether or not they are pleasing to me, makes me sick to my stomach.I want to be happy, excited and gay. I need to get my warm fuzziness boiling back over. I want to spread it all over my children like warm molasses.

    Grinch, Christmas, parenthood, stress, holidays

    Please Grinch Mommy,don’t take away their smiles

    Grinch, Christmas, parenthood, stress, holidays

    Christmas is not about things to do, places to be or presents to open; Christmas is about love, peace and people.I want my girls to look back on their childhood Christmases and remember the cuddles in front of the fire, spontaneous Christmas cookie baking, making fudge with Daddy, snowball fights, and watching Christmas Movies; staying up late to put cookies out for Santa and going to mass with the whole family.It’s firsts snows and snow angels.It’s togetherness.It’s a series of moments that form a lifetime. I want it to be a feeling in their heart.I want it to be the spirit of something larger than us; of hope, love and joy. I’m clearing out the clutter of my life and my mind and going forth, my only true obligation is going to be to see to it that my girls are happy.Everything else is secondary.

    Grinch, Christmas, parenthood, stress, holidays

    Christmas Memories Better when Mommies Not a Grinch

    Grinch, Christmas, parenthood, stress, holidays
    Fah who for-aze! Fah who for-aze!
    Dah who dor-aze! Dah who dor-aze!
    Welcome Christmas, Welcome Christmas,
    Come this way! Come this way!
    Bottom Line is this, we determine how/what our memories will be. We are the parents and it’s up to us make the most of our children’s memories. They won’t remember every single detail but they will remember the feelings associated with being loved unconditionally and all that it entails.
    I am laying out all the wisdom for the teens in my post High School Confidential at Aiming Low today.  Would love it if you would stop over there and share what vital piece of wisdom that you would impart on the teens of the world. Looking forward to hearing your advice.
    Also, how do you keep from becoming overwhelmed, exhausted and a Grinch at the holidays?
  • Mean Girl Dani Mathers Easily the Ugliest Woman on Internet

    Mean Girl Dani Mathers Easily the Ugliest Woman on Internet

    Dani Mathers, Playboy Playmate of the year 2105, is easily the biggest bitch and ugliest woman on the Internet thanks to her body shaming shenanigans. Nothing like being beautiful and a mean girl. That’s original. Want to kick some puppies and pick on kids in wheelchairs next, Dani Mathers? To add insult to injury, she backtracked her bad behavior with a  half-assed apology saying that she shouldn’t have taken the photo of the naked woman and posted it and she’s better than that; it was supposed to be a private chat. Either way lady, you are the worst. Your half-assed apology only proves one thing, that you are sorry that you got caught. Period. If you were really sorry that you body shamed some poor unsuspecting woman trying to get healthy, you wouldn’t have taken the picture and posted it in the first place.

    You are the worst kind of woman, Dani Mathers.

    As I stood there, in my nothingness, my stomach began to hurt. Looking down, I saw nothing. No hips. No hair. Just breast buds. What does that even mean? It’s like they weren’t even trying and hair on my legs. The hair my father refused to let me shave. I stood there trembling, assessing the situation and realized that while over the summer I had a massive growth spurt, it was in all the wrong places. I was tall and gangly with just a hint of a child’s body, a whisper of a woman’s and nothingness surrounded by beautiful, in full swing pubescent girls. F*CK! Now, I have to get naked and walk into the showers with all their glory and all of my nothing.

    I’d been avoiding this for as long as I could. You can only have so many periods and illnesses before the gym teacher demands that you see a specialist. So, I took a deep breath and took the longest walk ever into the public showers in the gym locker room at Middle school. It was my first walk of shame, if you will. I kept expecting the locker room scene from Carrie to take place, only I had no period and was definitely waiting with baited breath for it to happen.

    Girls don’t stare at one another per se but at that age, you definitely look, if for nothing else to see how you “measure up” and believe me you, I wasn’t measuring at all. It was the same year that my dad would tell me that I needed to “run more” and not coincidentally, the year I developed my first eating disorder. I felt my body being judged and shamed from that moment on and I hated it.

    Dani Mathers is not the exception, she is the more often than not the rule.

    As I got older and as things did begin to fill in, I expected it to get better because I’d look like the other girls but it never did. In fact, I never seemed to be in sync with everyone else’s body. I swear I was still able to wear camis until I was 15 because I had no breasts to speak of. I felt disfigured. Obviously, I was a late bloomer because, if you know me, a size D is definitely not nothing. It is definitely something in the world of breasts but with that came an entirely new set of problems.

    Like many women, I’ve never been completely comfortable in my own skin. I’ve always found myself hunching, sucking in, pulling at and pushing out different parts of my body and still, never felt good enough to be stared at or called beautiful. I think many women can relate to this. The way we look is our Achilles heel. It’s the one thing that we, women, feel very personal about and one that we have very little control over.

    Sure, we can work out and starve ourselves. We can dress in the nicest clothes and the best make-up. We can get all the blow outs we can afford, and maybe even more than we should, but we can’t fight genetics. Our body puts us in a position of vulnerability that we don’t often experience. It also makes us feel the most judged, as women. We know we do it, whether it’s intentional or not, and we know everyone does it. We all measure our bodies against others. We score ourselves in comparison to some unrealistic, unattainable idea of what a woman is supposed to look like; based on what we think men want.

    I used to blame men for their expectations but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized I don’t dress for men. I dress for women.  Men are so much less critical of women’s bodies than women. We judge other women harshly, and we judge ourselves even more harshly.

    I’ve always felt trepidation about being naked in front of other people, especially women. Since that very first group shower in middle school, I became painfully aware that we were all being judged and judging. Measuring who we were against other women. It might not be nice or politically correct, but it is what it is and it is. However, the problem comes when we make the choice to share those inner criticisms or think we have the right to openly evaluate another woman’s body especially behind her back and to other people. In fact, keep that shit to yourself.

    This week, Dani Mathers, a 29-year-old Playboy Playmate of the Year 2015, was sitting in the sauna at the gym when she thought it would be funny to snap photos of a naked woman changing in the locker room.

    The woman had no idea. The locker room is supposed to be a safe zone. But it gets even worse.

    She not only snapped the unsuspecting woman’s naked pictures, she shared them to SnapChat with the caption; “If I can’t unsee this then neither can you!” Right next to that, a picture of Dani Mathers covering her mouth in laughter or disgust, I’m not sure which. What a witch! All of our insecurities and fears as naked women, come to fruition in one mean girl tweet! Isn’t enough that we have to fight men for every crumb of equality and respect we can get, do we really need to battle the mean girls too?

    Dani Mathers, body shaming, Playboy playmate, mean girl, woman hating woman

    Not only was it a super shitty thing to do. Dani Mathers completely violated this woman’s right to privacy.

    I hope the woman in question sues Ms. Mathers and gets her banned from locker rooms everywhere. Mathers is the worst kind of woman, the kind who knocks other women down to feel better about herself. Thankfully, Dani Mathers has lost her job and will be banned forever from LA Fitness locker rooms everywhere. Hopefully, that will put an end to her reign as top dog mean girl.

    Isn’t it enough that she’s Playmate of the Year, which one would expect implies a degree of expectation of beauty does she have to belittle and body shame all the regular women? Lucky for her being a Playmate of the year isn’t based on intelligence or the kind of person that you are on the inside because Ms. Mathers you are a hideous monster among a world full of assholes.  You may have been crowned their new queen and rightfully so.

    What are your thoughts on Dani Mathers snapping photos of unsuspecting women in the locker room and body shaming them?

  • My Daughter Loves Me, the In Between Years

    My Daughter Loves Me, the In Between Years

    It’s been a weird time over here, my daughter is growing up at an alarming rate ( both of them) and I feel like I’m physically, falling apart over the last few months. One has nothing to do with the other. But it just gives some background to my state of mind…vulnerable.

     

    We’ve had growth spurts and growing pains and I’ve just waiting for my girls to hit that age where suddenly I am their least favorite person in the world and I’ve been dreading it because honestly, aside from the Big Guy, these two are my favorite people in the world. Have been since the moment they were born. Sure, I have moments when I don’t really like their behavior and I’m not particularly fond of the eye rolling and sarcastic tones that have been making an appearance at my house lately, but God, I adore these girls.

     

    Lately between the bickering between the two of them and the moments of wondering if boarding school might be a better option for my sanity, I’ve been at the end of my parenting rope. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and outnumbered and, worse, disrespected. It’s been hard trying to get my bearings in this new stage of parenthood. I’ve been solidly knocked off my axis. But suddenly, there’s been a shift.

     

    Through it all, I’ve been sticking to my guns and no matter what transpires, my girls always know they are loved; no matter how unlovable they are behaving that day. My oldest, who is only 11, has been exerting her independence for the past couple of years trying to separate from me. I feel it. It’s natural but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. It does, like a son of a bitch and this is coming from a broad who has had unmedicated transition labor, a severely broken and shattered leg and relentless gallbladder attacks. My girls pulling away hurts more than any of that ever did. I was sure this was the beginning of the end.

     

    I’m not so old that I don’t remember that phase in my life when I tried to separate from my mom; the teen years. I was awful and I didn’t even understand what it was about my mom that was so annoying. I just knew that every word she tried to tell me, annoyed me. I know now that it wasn’t her at all, it was me. I was growing up, and asserting my independence was just part of that. Being a complete asshole to my mom, that was just me taking it to the next level. Sorry, mom!

     

    Anyways, my Bella, she’s been giving me the “ you don’t know anything” look. I know it well. I gave it. I could feel her pulling away. One day, she would barely speak to me then suddenly, the next she was trying to match me in outfits. I was so confused. Did she hate me or did she think I was “cool”? Was she messing with me? Adolescence is so confusing and puberty makes it all 1000x worse.

     

    I’ve been holding my ground. No matter how awful she is to me, every night I go into her room and kiss her goodnight and tell her that I love her. Every morning when I drop her off at school, I kiss her goodbye and tell her (and her sister) that I love them. I’m relentless with this because I never want them to doubt that or themselves.

     

    Over the last couple of months, I noticed that my daughter has been making a return to me. I know she’s only 11 and there is so much more of this pulling away to come but for now, she has become my biggest advocate. When her little sister starts to argue with me or talk back, my oldest has been intervening. I told her to stop because I don’t want it to cause a rift between her and her sister but I appreciate it. It was nice that she took the initiative to have my back. I appreciate that she cared enough to step in.

     

    She’s been pointing out the similarities in our physical traits and wanting to emulate me. There’s been a shift from “leave me alone” to “can I spend some time with you, mommy” and I’m not ashamed to say that I love it. She loves me and she’s not afraid to show me. She’s stopped resisting the fact that I’ll never stop loving her.

     

    I really think it has a lot to do with me being consistent. She knows my unconditional love means giving her what she needs of me, and that might not always be what she wants from me but she knows that she always has me on her side.

     

    Anyways, with months upon months of crazy stuff going on lately (like seriously, I must have pissed someone off who gave me the evil eye or I accidentally came into possession of some tiki a la The Brady Bunch). All I know is that among broken legs, attacking gallbladder and too many other craptastic things to mention, it is awesome to feel the love from my daughters.

     

    What’s the one time you really needed some love/kind word/smile/something good to happen and it did? Isn’t it amazing how it can change everything?

  • Don’t mess with my kid or I may( or may not) make you my Bitch

    Bella has been in kindergarten now for two weeks, tomorrow. I’m not going to lie, its been an adjustment for all of us. Bella wants to be home with us. Gabs doesn’t want to miss out on a single breath her sister makes and me, well, I just think the years are passing by far too quickly for my liking.
    Every morning, we do our routine. Every morning, Bella drags her feet because she’s afraid we’ll do something without her.Every morning, Gabs seems a little unsure if she should let her big sister leave her for the next 4 hours. And every morning, I tell myself that this letting go will eventually get easier…on all of us. I think we are so tight because we have been the three musketeers for so long, with Daddy traveling. No matter what has been going on, amidst all the chaos, they know one thing is constant…the three of us are there to support one another. I know it sounds kinda crazy but when you’ve been moved around and things have changed so much , as they have for us in the last year and a half, you learn to rely heavily on the certainties and unconditionals; one another. Every day my girls tell me at least once, “You’re my best friend Mommy” and I tell them back ” You’re my best friend too baby!”
     Now, my Gabs is a little timid but my Bella she is a “bright star” (as her preschool teacher has referred to her) and , like me, she jumps in and makes friends right away. She introduces herself and she’s just a very likable child ( if I do say so myself) unlike her little sister who may or may not claw your eyes out if you get too close….depending on her daily disposition.

    The other night, Bella was in a little bit of a funk at bedtime. I asked what was wrong. Then she told me; “Mommy, I don’t have any friends at school. No one will play with me on the playground” and then she began to tear up. My gut reaction was to hold her close , shield her from the cruel world, and say ” Screw those kids if they are too stupid to be your friend” That’s just the crazy Mom in me coming out but instead I asked her if she had tried to play with anyone. She said that she had asked several girls in her class but they were all playing by themselves and the 3 girls that were actually playing together, one was pretending to be the master and the other two were her dogs! So, first I explained not to EVER play with someone who makes you be their dog. Then I explained that if everyone was playing by themselves, they are all probably still nervous, scared and trying to get to know one another.I tried to explain to my 5 year old ,who has had friends and play dates since she was 18 months old, that it wasn’t her…it wasn’t them….it was just children trying to feel their way through this new time in their life. Eventually,the tears subsided, once I ,may or may not have said, that  if the little girl ever tries to make her be her dog, I might make that little girl be my dog. Hey, I was being protective of my little broken hearted baby girl. (Disclaimer: I would NEVER actually make a kid be my dog; not even my own.) It made her giggle. That’s all that mattered to me at that moment.In retrospect, probably not the smartest thing to say in front of her.It’s just hard to contain yourself when someone hurts your child. I felt so helpless. It’s just one of those booboos that you can’t kiss away. Just like the certain heartbreak that will someday come from her first crush. I can do a lot of things for my children but building relationships is something they have to learn to do on their own. I can make introductions, execute play dates, guide them in their choices but I can’t make someone like my child. They have to do that all on their own and my child  has to learn how to deal with this kind of acceptance and rejection in stride. It’s hard when you are 5 and you were the popular kid in preschool to go to being the little fish in the big pond of a new school. But its even harder to watch our baby’s little hearts get unintentionally broken but what can you do as a parent when you can’t do anything to fix the situation for them.Relationships are something they have to find, want, build and nurture.The most I can do is be an example, reassure them that they are going to be OK, and be there to pick up the pieces.

    That was last Friday, this Monday when dropping her off, Bella asks, ” So, Mommy are you going to wait in the car until recess and come and make Becky* be your dog?” Me: “No, I don’t think that would be a very nice thing to do. Mommy shouldn’t have said that. People shouldn’t make other people be their dog” ( While thinking, please God don’t let her repeat that to her teacher or the Father!) Today, she came home and she told me that she has 3 friends and 1 of them hugs her every time she sees her. All is right with the world again. She also told me that she played with the girl who makes people be her dog, ” But she didn’t even ask me to be her dog Mommy!” Good thing, for Becky*

    *Names have been changed to protect the innocent and/or I just plain forgot the kids name:)

  • Grades are Ruining Education

    Grades are Ruining Education

    Do you worry about your child’s grades? Last week we attended annual Parent/Teacher conferences for our girls. They are always fairly uneventful. We go, the teachers tell us how good our girls are doing and we all go home and pat ourselves on the back. There are never any surprises.

    We usually have a report card for the first quarter in hand before we ever meet with the teachers. It’s hard to argue with high honors. Mind you, we don’t necessarily want constant approval. In fact, I think parent/teacher conferences should be like managerial review meetings. Tell me 3 great things about child and then give her 2 goals of improvement to work towards. I want my child to feel challenged, not complacent because I know complacency and boredom is a recipe for trouble and failure in the long run.

    This year my daughter’s 5th grade teacher threw us a curveball. She had our girl assess herself. Not surprising, my daughter marked herself “average” on all accounts. Average because we have expectations for her education that are based on more than just grades. Our expectations include love of learning, understanding concepts and being challenged. Grades are just a superficial quantification of learning. We know this.

    I was raised to always strive for my best. I competed with myself. I still do because my toughest competition is myself and I want to be motivated by myself not out of envy or jealousy of someone else, it’s not healthy. This is what I have instilled in my girls. This is what my parents instilled in me.

    Do grades really quantify an education?

    When I was a child, I remember bringing home straight A’s and my dad asking why they were not all A+s. I remember feeling deflated. This turned me into a perfectionist and left me feeling unsatisfied in a lot of ways because I always felt like I let myself down and worse like I had let my parents down. I never wanted my girls to feel that way.

    I never ask why a grade is not better. I am always proud of them and I ask them why they think a grade is what it is but mostly I just keep my eye on it and make sure that I put a little extra time in reviewing homework so I can find out and gently help them gain confidence and mastery in whatever the deficit or concept that is lacking is in. This has worked pretty well for us. I know that there is more that I can do but, for now, this is how the Big Guy and I address grades.

    Imagine my surprise at the parent/teacher conference when the aforementioned 5th grade teacher, chuckled at my daughter when she answered “average” and then corrected her by saying, “if the other students listened/paid attention even 1/3 as much as you do you do, I would be happy. You, my dear, are most certainly “Above average!” My daughter looked confused, as was I.

    I know, you are thinking, just shut up and be happy but what you don’t realize are few things 1) I was getting my masters in early education when I had my first child 2) I worked in education for 10 years 3) that teacher just completely undermined the expectations we had set for our daughter 4) in an instant, the teacher has lowered my daughter’s expectations for herself by making her effort seem overdone.

    I’ve never liked rating/grading scales in education because really, what do they measure? It’s a moving scale. This is why we put in place expectations of our children, other than grades themselves. I want my children to feel proud and accomplished for thinking, for learning for craving more knowledge. It’s not just about a grade. I don’t want my children to be afraid to feel challenged. I want them to be exhilarated by it.

    And before you start thinking I’m one of those mom’s who thinks their children are “gifted”, I don’t. I do think they are smart and capable of more than the expectations the school is setting for them. Of course the school is only responsible for passing grades, it’s my job as their mother to advocate for them and teach them to expect more from themselves than just “average”.

    My daughter said, “average” because she knows that the effort that she is giving is not her best. Granted maybe a well-behaved child, who listens, pays attention and engages 97% of the time is better than the average student for that teacher, but it is not better than my daughter’s average and my daughter knows that.

    I found myself to be completely annoyed by this teacher. I think she could have told my daughter that she thinks she is doing great without going so far as to say, “compared to the other students” because I’ve not taught my daughters to give a flip about what others are doing. I don’t teach my daughters to gauge their success by someone else’s failures only by their own feeling of satisfaction.

    As a mom, I believe my number one purpose is to love my daughters but it is also my responsibility to encourage them to go after their dreams, honor their commitments and think for themselves. I’m doing my best but it’s hard because parenting is not an exact science.

    What do you think? Do our expectations for our children distort their expectations of themselves? Is it better to encourage our children to strive for their own personal best?

    How important do you think grades are to your child’s education?

     

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