The TRUTH About Motherhood

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All Little Girls Think They’re Fat
“I’m fat! Just look at my flabby arms!”
This is what I overheard amongst the ballerinas today. 11-year-olds should not be worrying about flabby arms, especially since not one of the 10 preteen girls included in this conversation are fat or had flabby arms. My heart sunk and my stomach turned as I realized if these lean, dancers think they’re fat, what if all little girls think they’re fat? I didn’t say a word because I was speechless.
Every Wednesday, I take my daughters to ballet. They were in class when I heard the girls talking. This has been my routine for nearly 8 years. At least 4 classes a week, I am surrounded by a plethora of beautiful, young, graceful, strong and lean girls (ages 3 and up). It’s always been a place of positivity and the focus is on the dance moves, not the size of the dancer’s ass. Why would it be?
My girls have danced with the city ballet practically since the moment they could tell me that was what they wanted to do but I went in with my eyes open. I’ve heard the horror stories of ballerinas who are malnourished and have eating disorders. I know these are brought on by the constant focus on body and weight that is necessary for any athlete.
Having battled severe eating disorders myself, I promised myself a few things 1) I would never negative talk in front of my girls 2) I would do everything in my power to instill high self-confidence and positive body image and 3) if they were ever involved in a situation where someone made weight the focus, I’d pull my daughters out because it’s not worth it. I won’t allow anyone to undo the self-esteem that I’ve spent years building.
Perfection is not achievable, mostly because it’s a moving target, and no girl should feel that her self-worth has anything to do with her weight. Only in ballet, like many sports, it is hard to be in top performance form if your body is not at its absolute best so even if there isn’t a blatant focus and criticism of body size and shape, it’s there, lurking like the boogie man just waiting to destroy your daughter’s self-confidence. I know it and, apparently, so do these girls. How could they not living in a world where thigh gaps and bikini bridges are aspirations.
I wanted to grab those girls and hug them and shout to them, “No! Your arms are not flabby. You are perfect. Your body is strong and beautiful and amazing. It is what moves you on the stage. It is what moves you in the world. Your body is what makes you….YOU!” I wanted to, like I wished someone would’ve done to me the first time I looked in the mirror and saw my 12-year-old body and saw imperfection in perfection. But I couldn’t because I wasn’t supposed to be there. I wasn’t supposed to hear that. They aren’t my daughters.
At that moment, I was too busy praying that my daughter, just inside the classroom, didn’t hear this slightly older ballerina who she looks up to calling herself “flabby” and “fat.” Because if you’ve ever been involved in the dance world, you know, there is nothing a tiny ballerina looks up to more than a bigger one, even if it’s only by a level. I held my breath and waited to see if she mentioned anything. She didn’t.
You see, little girls are like sponges; they absorb everything that they see and hear and once they know it, they can’t unknow it. They keep it and pick at it like a scab. I know this is true because my own daughters have even began to pick up on subtle cues, ones that I don’t even know I’m doing. They know how to decipher a hint and they can figure things out. They are not oblivious. I went home last night and began to think of all the ways I hint at my dissatisfaction with my own body; long sighs in the mirror, tugging at my shirt, tiny fits of rage when trying on clothes in the dressing room. I can’t do that anymore. They’re too smart. If they’re unhealthy or think they are fat, I feel like it’s my personal parenting fail.
I feel terrible that I didn’t grab those little girls and tell them how perfect and strong and amazing they are. I had to do something so I emailed the Director of the Ballet (a mom of two small girls, a ballerina and a friend) and I told her what had happened because I feel like going silent makes me a part of the problem. I want to be part of the solution.
What would you have done if you heard a group of young girls calling themselves fat?

2015/03/19
How Ordering Lilly Pulitzer Changed my Life
I scored some Lilly Pulitzer yesterday. You know how they say happiness comes from within? Well, I never really understood that statement until this weekend. For the first time, in a long time, I felt confident. I love the bold and beautiful Lilly Pulitzer prints and I went for it. How could that happiness not belong in my wardrobe?
Don’t worry; I didn’t come to fisticuffs with any other moms at my local Target because there is nothing worth fighting that hard over except for my dreams and my children’s lives. I got mine online by stalking my prey and waiting patiently. I simply decided that if it were meant to be, I’d get it. If not, I wouldn’t. It’s that simple. I’ve been embracing this more relaxed attitude lately. If you know me, you know I’m usually the much more uptight type. I’m a known helicopter mom and control freak; a heart attack waiting to happen, if you will.
I woke up last Friday morning and went to my Weight Watchers meeting, because you all know how much I love to get weighed by a stranger. Not my favorite thing to do but a necessary evil if I want to change my fat girl walking status.. It’s been a month since I started attending meetings again. I have lost a grand total (drumroll, please) of 9 pounds and 18.5 inches. I don’t really see a difference but I certainly feel a difference. Clothes are starting to get a little loose and mentally, I am feeling a lot better about me.
After my meeting, I decided to bite the bullet and go get measured for my bridesmaid dress for my sister’s wedding. If you have ever been over weight, you know that I had been dreading this for months (the fitting not the dress). I put it off for as long as I could but I just couldn’t keep stressing my sister out. It’s one thing when my weight keeps me from doing stuff that I want to do but I refuse to let it impede in anyone I love’s life. This is why I still put on my bathing suit to hit the pool even though wearing bathing suits in public is the worst.
I went by myself to the bridal shop so that I didn’t take out my frustrations on my husband or the girls. To my surprise, for the first time in probably 20 years, I realized that I felt sexy in something and not fat. I had forgotten what feeling “sexy” even felt like. But I can tell you today that nothing sets your soul on fire like feeling better than good in your own skin.
The thing is usually getting weighed, getting fitted for a bridesmaid dress and ordering clothes are all things that stress me out because they all make me painfully aware of how heavy I am but something switched in me that morning and I’ve been in this intoxicatingly high mood since. I’m happy.
I spent the entire weekend waiting for the feeling to dissipate but I just kept feeling better and better in my own skin. What I’m sure is my standard resting bitch face has been replaced with resting big dumb grin and I can’t do a thing about it. This is weird for me.
See the last time I felt “sexy” in my own skin was when I was smack dab in the middle of eating disorders. Back then, my sexy meter was skewed and it was more of a control high. I felt sexy because I was satisfying some weird need to punish myself and when I stayed within the parameters of what I’d set for myself, I rewarded myself by giving myself permission to feel attractive but it was nothing compared to this natural state of happiness that I am experiencing right now. I do realize that this all sounds weird.
Anyways, as I was sitting at my laptop, checking the size chart for the Lilly Pulitzer and realizing that I did not need plus size anything, it hit me that I could not feel my stomach on my lap. God, I’m embarrassed to even type those words but it’s a big deal. The whole stomach thing, and believe me if you have this situation going on you totally understand, has been making me feel so depressed. It was the physical representation of the beginning of the end for me. Every time I sat down, I was reminded of just how fat and out of shape I was.
After I cleared the tears from my eyes because my “FUPA” is slowly vanishing, I ordered myself the regular sized XL jumpsuit from Lilly Pulitzer and I can’t wait to wear it. I’m sick of letting my weight dictate what I can and can’t do. I want to hold on to this strange and unfamiliar feeling of being comfortable in my own skin. I don’t want it to end.
I know 9 pounds is not a lot in the grand scheme of things, ordering an XL rather than 1X is not a big deal and not feeling my stomach in my lap are all very subtle changes but they add up. They add up to changing my life in a very positive way and that is huge.
What little changes do you want to make to your life to make you happier?
Show of hands, who else will be rocking the Lilly Pulitzer this season?

P.S. My first byline at LatinaMom.me is live and I would love if you would check out my article Why I Shaved my 7-Year-Old’s Arms.
2015/04/20
Vi and Va Hit the Mark with my Little Latinas ( Giveaway)
This is a compensated campaign in collaboration with Vi and Va Dolls and Latina Bloggers Connect.
You all know how skeptical I get about ethnic dolls. It seems that most times, the manufacturer either over shoots the mark and we end up with something like the Mexico Barbie fiasco with a cartoon representation of an entire race or no real effort is made at all and we end up with the same Barbie only with brown hair. This is also not acceptable. There has to be a happy medium.
There is a new Latino culture inspired fashion doll line for little girls, Vi and Va (Viva!).
They are sold exclusively at Target so I am assuming since most of us spent at least $80 twice a week in that joint, we’ve all seen them. I was provided one of each doll for review purposes.
Viviana (Vi) and Valentina (Va) are teenaged sisters. The other two dolls in the series are Felicia and Roxxi who are not just friends, but family. All four of the girls are related. The purpose of the line is to help young Latina girls embrace their heritage while showcasing the diversity in the Latino culture and celebrating family bonds. This is what the press release tells us.
Here is what I think. My girls took the dolls out of the boxes and immediately loved them because of the diversity in how they looked. You see, my girls understand that not all Latinas look alike. We come in all shapes and sizes (like the rest of the population). For example, my sister is 5’2″ has jet black, very curly hair, green eyes and beautiful olive skin. I am 5’7″, have dark brown, wavy hair, light brown eyes with flecks of green, very fair skin with freckles. My daughters have blue eyes, one has straight and the other has wavy, blonde hair and both are very fair-skinned. We are all proud Latinas and I was happy to see a doll that looked sort of like all of us.
I know that some people were offended by the fact that the dolls came with a boom box, an art easel, a baking tin and a guitar. I get it. I was offended that the Mexico Barbie had papers but I can’t be offended by what the Vi and Va dolls have because, in my house, we do all of these things.
Both my girls and I have guitars. Both girls have an art easel and regularly can be found walking from room to room with a sketchpad in their arms. Both of my girls have been in ballet since they were 2-years-old and you’d better believe that while we don’t have a time machine so we can’t get our hands on a boom box, my girls can’t pass up an opportunity to dance if music is playing on Pandora. And if I’m really being honest, my 10-year-old loves to cook. This not something I forced on her. My husband is quite the chef and she enjoys cooking with him. I’m not offended by the accessories, at all.
The dolls come dressed in bright, vibrant colored clothing with bold patterns and prints. You know, just like most teens (Latino or otherwise) are wearing these days. In fact, when I asked my 7-year-old about the dolls this is what she had to say, “I like them because they look like me and Bella and they dress like us. I only wish that they switched the things they do because I am the artist and Bella likes to cook!” What can I say, I think if making all little Latina girls feel “Latina” was the point, they hit the mark, at least for my girls because when you don’t look stereotypically “Latina” sometimes its hard to feel included.
My girls have been playing with them non-stop since they opened them. I really think they feel special because there is a “Latina doll” with blonde hair (like them) but she’s Latina. That might not make sense to you if you are not Latina, but if you are you know exactly what I’m taking about.
They only had two small complaints. First, they are annoyed that the 1 million Barbie outfits they own, won’t fit the Vi and Va girls. They are built different than Barbie; shorter and curvier. Secondly, the doll’s feet are weird. What can I say, I am not a fan of feet on anyone but there should be a warning for small children, “Do not be alarmed, the tiny toes are there, you just can barely see them.” Other than that, my girls really like the dolls.
Look, these dolls are not supposed to take the place of human role models. It’s just a very small step to making our littlest Latinas feel like they belong, are represented and help them to be proud of their culture. I think Vi and Va does that wonderfully.
As for role models, well, that’s my job so I’m not too worried that just because a doll happens to have a baking pan, my daughter might begin to believe that she is supposed to be barefoot and in the kitchen. I want my daughters to know that they can be and do anything they want, no matter what they look like, where they are from or what others think of them. I want my girls to know that if they are willing to work for it, there is nothing they can’t do.
If you like the Vi and Va line and would like to find out more about what’s going on with these diverse, modern Latinas you can find them on the website, Facebook and Twitter.
I’m giving one lucky reader a Vi and Va Birthday Celebration Doll Pack.
What? A Quincinera and a Sweet 16 party in the same year? If you think your little girl would enjoy this set, please enter to win via rafflecopter below.
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This is sponsored post in collaboration with Vi and Va Dolls and Latina Bloggers Connect. However, all opinions expressed are my own.
a Rafflecopter giveaway
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2015/04/24
Hell on Wheels in Taffeta and a Pink Helmet
As I have mentioned, I am the mommy of two super girls. Bella has recently turned four and her baby sister, Gabs, is about to be two. Saying my hands are full is an understatement, to say the very least but I feel that I handle it well, on most days. But despite my best attempts, I can not be everywhere at all times. It is simply an impossibility.This is an issue because, although Bella is a graceful, princess,ballerina, girly girl, Gabs is a tiny hell on wheels full on daredevil. This is not to say she is a tom boy, not that there is anything wrong with that, she is a daredevil clad in puffy skirts and pig tails, which is much worse because when she does all of her crazy reckless tricks, all you see is bloomers and bruised knees.The thing about Gabs is, and I’m not sure if its her daredevil antics or her unusually large toddler, dome of a head ( although it is absolutely beautiful) but something has absolutely altered her center of gravity. Couple her off quilter gravity with her bad luck and sheer clumsiness and she is truly an emergency room visit waiting to happen. Let me just mention a few of the stunts that have landed us in a mad dash to the pediatricians office, in her almost two years; falling off the changing table, tripping over her own feet and busting her head on the bottom of the bed frame ( yes, the bottom..under the mattress), she has fallen into the corner of a coffee table ( the only one in the house without one of those wonderful child protection corner poofs) busting her head wide open.She has fallen into the wall, fallen off the ottoman onto the wood floor and busted her face, fallen face first into the corner of her sisters dresser because she was climbing over the edge of the bed trying to switch the channel on her sisters TV, and many many other spills and falls while scaling the walls of our house. She is like Spider man without the spidey suction power. Now that I list some of her accidents out loud, poor baby really did inherit Mommy’s clumsiness.She is my joy in life and my smile but she scares the hell out of me, on a daily basis. Today, this one was especially classic and true to Gabs form, she was standing at the window watching the birdies. Screaming “Mommy, buurdie”, when all of the sudden a blood curdling scream. I know what you’re thinking,”Oh,God. She fell through the window”. Thank God, no. So ,I get up to go over to her and she turns around..still screaming. And I swear to you, the metal hair clip that was in her hair ( you know the little metal ones that look like an alligator’s mouth) was attached to the corner of her lip. How it got there or why she didn’t take it off, I have no idea and unfortunately, I cannot ask an almost two year old and get a logical or coherent answer, especially not in that state. What I would give to know the answer to that particular mystery of my life. The moral of the story is…NOW, I know why some little kids walk around with helmets on. Next time you see me, I’ll probably be at Target scoping out a pink princess helmet for everyday wear:)
2009/05/15
Nutrisystem Weight Loss Update ~ Week 17
This week’s Nutrisystem official weight loss update is that I lost one of those pesky pounds that I had put back on last week. This brings my grand total to 17.5 pounds lost over the past 17 weeks. A healthy weight loss is 1-2 pounds a week so I am right on target. I am very happy with my progress. Swim suit season is quickly approaching and it was nice to be able to go to the store and try on something NOT in the plus section. The weather is getting much nicer and I can’t wait to get outside and walk around the neighborhood with my girls. Both girls can ride their bikes now so maybe we could take a bike stroll in a few more weeks. There’s is just something about being outside that makes being active feel effortless.
Visit Nutrisystem today or call 888-853-4689. Don’t forget right now, Nutrisytem is at the lowest price it has been since 2003! There is no better time than the present to get started on your journey. Bathing suit season is right around the corner!

DISCLOSURE: Nutrisystem is providing their program to me free of charge in exchange for my participation in the Nutrisystem Nation Blogging Program and weekly updates. I am not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed in this post are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255
2011/03/06
Fat Tuesday Indulgence before the Deprivation
Today is Fat Tuesday. Fat Tuesday is more than just Mardi Gras and Carnival. It’s more than just ass shaking, parades and beads. It’s the day in which all of us good Catholics indulge in excess and opulence before we commence with our Lenten sacrifices. Bring on the guilty pleasures with wild abandonment.
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2012/02/21
Throat Punch Thursday~Bei Bei Shuai Rat Poison Feticide edition
Throat Punch Thursday~Bei Bei Shuai Rat Poison Feticide edition
This week, unfortunately, I did not have to turn to CNN for a Throat Punch Thursday’s recipient, Bei Bei Shuai. No, all I had to do was turn on my local news. I generally hate when that happens. It can never be a good sign when someone that close to home does something so equally stupid and heinous. Without further ado, I give you Bei Bei Shuai. Have you heard of Bei Bei? I’m sure that many of you have already heard of her. He story takes place back in March, how she has escaped receiving a Throat Punch this far is beyond me.
INDIANAPOLIS — An Indianapolis woman who tried to commit suicide by eating rat poison near the end of her pregnancy was charged with murder in the death of her baby.

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Bei Bei Shuai, 34, was arrested Monday and appeared in court Wednesday on charges of knowingly killing a viable fetus and attempted feticide, prosecutors said. The court entered an automatic plea of not guilty for Shuai, who is in custody. She was dumped by her piece of work boyfriend and went off the deep end. I don’t think she was trying to kill the baby as much as kil herself and the baby was collateral damage. Either way, pretty messed up situation.
Shuai consumed rat poison while 33 weeks pregnant, prosecutors said. On December 23, she was taken to a hospital where she admitted to taking rat poison in an attempt to kill herself after her boyfriend left her, according to a police statement.Apparently, her piece of shit boyfriend broke the news to her at 33 weeks that he couldn’t marry her because he was already married. I do understand her disappointment, dismay and even her full on freak out but ingesting rat poisoning is crazy. Sure it’s depressing to see that your entire future was based on a lie and it’s never going to come to fruition.Having a mental breakdown, even contemplating homicide all make more sense to me than going to Home Depot and buying a bag of rat poisoning and then proceeding to eat it.
Bei Bei Shuai Rat Poison Feticide edition
Shuai’s baby girl, Angel Shuai, was born alive on December 31. On January 3, the baby died after being taken off life support. An autopsy determined that the cause of death was her mother’s ingestion of the poison, police said. You see why she deserves a Throat Punch?
Shuai, is the co-owner of a small Indianapolis restaurant, is from China and has no family members in the United States, according to her lawyer, Linda Pence. Pence called the prosecution “mean-spirited” and “horrible” and wants to have the charges dismissed. Oh, they are mean because they are calling her a killer? Well, actually, isn’t that what she is?
“This young woman is truly one of the kindest, most gentle people I’ve ever met,” said Pence. Pence said Shuai’s boyfriend had promised to marry her and help raise the child, and then dumped her, leaving her crying on her knees in a parking lot. Shuai was near a hardware store, so she bought the poison to kill herself. Agreed her boyfriend is a piece of work but she’s the one who made the choice to eat rat poison.Even if she didn’t intentionally kill the baby, she tried to kill herself and didn’t care what came of the baby. Either way, at the very least, she was careless and reckless.
Pence said Shuai had been happy about the baby, and had bought baby clothes. The baby died in her arms after she had rocked it “for hours and hours,” Pence said.
Pence said there is a common law immunity for pregnant women who attempt to harm themselves — or else prosecutors could charge any woman who drank or took drugs. Pence said the law against killing fetuses is meant to target third parties — as in the case of a robber who shoots a pregnant woman. I’m not sure that I want the government to go down this slippery slope but I do know that she needs to be held accountable.
So, this week the Throat Punch goes to the crazy lady having the mental breakdown over a man whose first thought was “hmm, I think I’ll go eat some rat poison”. You, my dear, need a Throat Punch to dislodge your head out of your ass. I am sorry your boyfriend turned out to be a douche but killing yourself and your baby earns you a punch, Bei Bei Shuai.
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2011/06/23
The Right Shade of Lipstick Can Change Your Life Forever
They say the eyes are the window to the soul but the smile, the lips, they are by far the curb appeal. A lip can tell you a lot about a person and how they are feeling on any given day. It goes beyond the natural shape and fullness of someone’s pout. Your lips tell your story before you even speak a word. A woman can conquer the world in the right lipstick. The right shade of lipstick can change your life forever.
Want to change up your look? Not really into cutting off all of your hair? Don’t have time to drop 30 pounds before the Bikini season? As if we’ll even have a bikini season this year. Don’t have a zillion dollars to overhaul your wardrobe? I’ve got you covered. Why not express yourself via your lipstick? Who cares if you’re not going anywhere, think of the selfies.`
Sounds simple right? Maybe it doesn’t sound like it can do that much but have you ever pulled your hair down out of that pony, wiped off that chapstick and replaced it with a fire engine red lip stain? Life. Changing! I’m not even joking, you can go from daytime to playtime and sweet to sexy with the simple swipe of a lip brush. The magic of a strong lip is powerful.
Believe it or not, a change of lip color can change your perspective and change your state of being. A bold color can be empowering while a light one can be softening. A gloss can be flirty while a plum can be super serious. It’s your lips, you decide what you want them to say about you…nothings off-limit.
Disclosure: Thanks Tarte Cosmetics for gifting me all of the amazing colors and types of lipsticks to try out for the purpose of this post. All opinions are true and mine.
The right shade of lipstick can change your life forever.
A matte, like Tarte’s Tarteist quick dry matte lip paint in OG can make you feel serious and introspective. A touch of spice gives a different kind of energy and your entire vibe changes. Suddenly you’re a bit sassier, more bougie and even a little bit ratchet in the best kind of way.
Nude lipsticks may appear to be just a slight enhancement of your natural lip color but in reality, it’s your inner-self living its best life; more comfortable in your own skin.
A matte red like Tarteist quick-dry matte-lip paint in cheerleader can make you feel like a force to reckoned with. A strong red lip can fix any outfit, and give you great confidence. It makes you look bold and confident and that is what a great red lipstick is all about.
A gloss like Tarteist glossy lip paint in goals or snap can make you feel fun and flirty. Lip gloss was the first makeup that I ever wore and I love it. A shimmery gloss is an easy way to get full, 3D-looking lips. A perfect nude plumping gloss gives your lips a whole new dimension.
A deep plum lippie like Tarteist glossy lip paint in poison can make you feel like a bad bitch and give you the self-confidence to take on the world.
A subtle, flesh tone like Rainforest of the Sea color splash lipstick in rum punch or siesta can give you comfort and make you feel your most self. A matte mauve can make you feel pretty and feminine. It’s the perfect color to take you from day to night. Wear it to work and then to a happy hour afterward. This is a perfect balance.
A bold red like Tarte’s crystal cream in power can make a woman feel confident and sexy. Red lipstick feels like an instant infusion of passion. Not only does red lipstick make your teeth look whiter and brighter, it evokes emotion and passionate responses in others.
A matte deep black can make you feel powerful and fierce.
Tarte’s double duty beauty glide and go buttery lipstick in tangerine target coral red creates a powerful statement, complimenting skin with a bit of a tan, and brightening the face. It unleashes confidence and power that can pick you up on even your worst days.
The truth is that the right shade of lipstick can change lives and for me, throwing on red lipstick is the makeup equivalent of putting on a pair of heels. It’s my armor and helps prepare me for whatever life throws my way. It’s empowering. A bold red lifts my mood and makes me feel fierce. It’s my way of reminding myself that I’m a force to be reckoned with.
What’s your favorite shade of lipstick and why?
2019/11/01
Love Letter to my Daughter on her 11th Birthday
This is my love letter to my 11-year-old daughter. It’s hard to believe that the last time I brought a child into the world was 11 years ago today. I didn’t know then that would be the last time. I thought I had more time.
I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was bigger this time than the first time. I could barely see my toes. But we were so excited to take our little family of 3 to 4. I was nervous. I couldn’t sleep the night before the induction because I knew, just like the first time, this baby was going to change everything.
I won’t lie, we had quite the eventful labor and delivery. I knew it wasn’t going to be like the first birth when about 3 hours into the induction, we realized that our video camera wasn’t working. All of this preparation and the camera didn’t work. The Big Guy called his brother who lived a couple hours away and my brother-in-law, who was in doing his residency at the time, somehow cleared his entire day and drove us his camera to use. I will never forget that.
READ ALSO: Love Letter to my Daughter on her 7th Birthday
I’ll also never forget that he drove all that way, gave us the camera, wished us luck and drove right back to where he came from. He had no interest in accidentally being present when delivery rolled around. I remember it was funny to me because…he’s a doctor. But I will never forget the huge gesture he did without hesitation he brought us a camera to record our daughter’s birth. He was like a very humble superhero.
I remember laying there in my hospital bed while the Big Guy walked his brother out, about 7 hours into the induction and a broken waters later, looking at my cell phone and seeing a picture of my firstborn and second-guessing the entire thing. What was I thinking? How could I ever love another child as much as I did my first daughter? Was that even possible? I cried. No, I sobbed because all I could think, with my second baby stuck inside me and my first baby at home completely confused at 2-years-old as to where I’d gone off to with my big belly, was that one or both of them were going to feel like they got less love than the other. The thought of it broke my heart.
Eventually, after hours of trying different positions, a nurse had to lay on top of me to help push my Gabs out. I was in labor for what seemed like forever; scared to fail both of my children, certain I was not going to be able to do it and afraid that, unlike the Grinch, my heart wouldn’t grow two sizes. But it did.
From the moment I saw all that black curly hair in the mirror as I was pushing our Gabs into the world, I knew it was going to be alright. Apparently, I am a Grinch at heart. They laid her on my chest, after removing the cord from her neck and her purple body, and I was reminded in that moment how lucky I was to be a mother and what a privilege it was to bring her into this world.
I was reminded again how thin the veil between life and death truly is and I gave myself over to an overwhelming, all-encompassing, everything is going to be alright kind of love, much like I did the first time. In these moments, I’ve been proven that miracles exist and in these miracles, in my baby’s eyes, I see God in his purest form.
READ ALSO: Love Letter to my Tween
Of course, the next day my firstborn daughter came to meet Gabs at the hospital and was so confused and overwhelmed by everything that I checked myself out of the hospital AMA before 24 hours because even though I was basking in the glow of my newborn baby, I knew my 2-year-old still needed me too. This heart doubling in size thing was still new to me and I had to figure out how to live in my new reality of 4. But it was good and Gabs completed us.
This is my love letter to my daughter on her 11th birthday
Gabs,
You are like sunshine on the water. Beautiful, special and breathtaking but a moving target. Just when I think I have you figured out, you grow and move and everything shifts and I have to work to learn to understand you again, from another vantage point.
You were born an old soul. In many ways, you are more mature than your big sister but in many ways, you are still just a little kid. The way you play, laugh and the pattern of your freckles spread out across your cheeks, as your glassy blue eyes smile out at me from beneath a cascade of honey-kissed summer hair, always disheveled, reminds me that you are still a little girl in many ways.
Yet at other times, the words you speak, the soulfulness in your eyes, the crack in your voice when something makes you sad reminds me that soon you will be a woman. You are straddling between the two worlds right now; one foot firmly planted in childhood while the other is stepping into womanhood.
I feel you pulling away, little by little, like the pull of the tide on the waves. I feel myself letting go, gently, like the wisps of a dandelion being blown into the summer sun full of hope and wishes. This is the hard part.
All I want to do is hold on tighter. Reign you in and pull you back close to me but I can’t. I have to let you go so that you know that I trust you. I have to give you freedom so that you can grow and find your way back to me.
Just know that I will always love you, no matter what you do or where you go. I will always be there to pick you up when you need me to. I will not judge you. I will not abandon you. I will not belittle and berate you. I will respect you. You can talk to me about anything and I will listen.
When I look at you, I will probably always, at first glance, see that newborn baby girl with the black, curly hair and the chubby little cheeks. I’ll remember the way you smelled of Johnson’s and Johnson’s baby soap and your baby breath of green apples. But know that I see you, the young woman that you are trying to become. I see the butterfly but I’ll never forget the chrysalis you once were.
Love you forever to the moon and back,
Mommy
2018/05/21
How I Stayed Motivated to Work Out for an Entire Year
Today marks 365 days since I found out that I was diabetic. That was the day that my life changed forever. The thought of dying scared me so much that I began my journey to health that same day. It’s not been easy but it’s been worth it, most days. There’s no such thing as easy, fast weight loss. Changing your eating habits and working out can help get you healthy but it takes time and patience. This is how I stayed motivated to work out for a year.
Let’s face it, often working out is more of a chore than it is a pleasure. Most days I struggle with motivation. I always feel better after I’m done but finding the inspiration to get going on some days is harder than the desire to lose weight or even get healthy but then I remember why I’m doing it; to live.
READ ALSO: How I cured myself of diabetes
How you feel about working out, especially during a shelter-in-place, will definitely impact how hard and how often you work out. Unfortunately, feeling discouraged and out of sorts will only encourage you to do it less and less. In the end, it’ll take a toll on you mentally and physically. As challenging as it sounds, the best thing to do is power through and just do it.
Here are four sneaky ways to stay motivated to work out and lose weight.
Work Out With Friends
Everything’s better with friends. After all, you’re more likely to laugh and smile, and they’re both signs that you’re having a good time. This logic even counts for exercising, so never take your buddies for granted. The trick is convincing them to do it, which is harder than it sounds. Hopefully, once they see your results and how you’re pushing yourself to be better, they’ll happily join. If social distancing measures mean you have to stay at home, you can use Zoom or FaceTime to connect virtually.
Work Out with Music
Who isn’t inspired by the soundtrack of their life? Music makes everything better. A good beat can really inspire your week out groove. Of course, not all music is created equal, and some beats get you more pumped for working out than others. The key is to choose wisely when looking for work out inspiration. Start by picking your favorite songs. Music that you love will help you push passed your exhaustion and to keep going. Next, find upbeat music. Personally, I love to work out to today’s hits or reggeaton.
Getting Dressed Up
Getting dressed in clothes other than day and night PJs isn’t really happening much at my house. In fact, these days, yoga pants and a t-shirt qualify as dressing up. But staying in your pajamas long enough can suck all of your motivation to work out and it’s not very conducive to fast weight loss. One way to change your frame of mind is to use clothes to boost your self-esteem. Whether it’s a Disney Toes or Five Toes design, your workout gear should have two advantages. Firstly, wearing them will make you want to exercise. Secondly, they’ll aid performance, meaning you’ll always be at your best. Working out isn’t challenging when you’re stacking wins.
Don’t Second Guess Your Achievements
You’ve worked hard and hit your goals and suddenly, the goal line moves. This is because we live in an Instagram world and everyone else on social media appears to be hitting higher targets. They’re losing weight faster, easier and looking better doing it. Next thing you know; you feel subpar instead of like the winner that you are. Regardless of what everyone else is doing, focus on you and your goals. You’re not in competition with anyone else. The goal is to be healthy, nothing else matters. After all, you’re the one who has to put in the hard work and do the workout. One day, you’ll reach your target weight and fitness goal. For now, concentrate on what you can control and have fun.
READ ALSO: Food’s an Addiction and Sugar is a Drug
Whether you want fast weight loss or long-term health, this is how to stay motivated to work out for an entire year and beyond. What do you do to stay motivated to work out when you are not in the mood?
2020/05/07