The TRUTH About Motherhood

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Mom Matriculation: The Hardest Part of Motherhood

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
Mom matriculation. Have you heard of this? No? Yeah, I just made it up. Its definitely the hardest part of motherhood. It’s the culmination of the letting go that begins with senior year and just when you think its at its hardest, graduation, you unlock a new, unfathomable level of mom heartbreak… college drop off day. Bella is ready to launch but I’m not ready to let go. I don’t know if I ever told you guys the story of how I was supposed to go to Boston University, but, about 2 weeks before I was supposed to leave, 4 little words from my dad stopped me dead in my tracks, “See you next summer.” What??? Immediate failure to launch..
I had never even spent 1 single night away from my parents because in Mexican culture we just don’t do that. Due to our strong multi-generational family ties, family is not only a big part of who we are, it’s everything. My dad’s words had great emotional power over me, in fact, more power than anyone else’s. Not in an intentional manipulative way, its just that his words have always landed like concrete on my heart. His opinion always mattered, and still matters, the most to me. I’ve always held a tiny grudge about this. But that was all before I was the p arent having to let go of my own, precious child. Now, I definitely get it, but, I refuse to do that to my girls. Even if it kills me, in the process.
I thought it was all overkill, until I got my first pangs of impending mom matriculation.
Due to this particular incident, and knowing how it completely altered my timeline and changed the trajectory of my life, I swore I’d never say or do anything to hinder my own children’s flight pattern. But again, that was before I knew what I know; that was before I was the parent in the scenario sending my own precious child off into the world, alone, without me.
Fast forward to 10 years ago, when my oldest nephew was heading off to college, a “mere” 65 minutes away from home. Back before I realized that whether it’s 25 minutes or 65 minutes or 12 hours away, living away from your child is actually the same distance in mom miles because out of your house means out of your house. Your child is no longer bounding through the house, randomly hugging you and asking for a Starby’s run while blasting Swiftie or Megan thee Stallion, while you all sing to your heart’s content.
I vividly remember my nephew going away to college, instantly regretting his decision and my brother and sister-in-law immediately agreeing to pick him up and bring him back home, regardless of forfeiting his athletic scholarship. Absolutely without hesitation, they agreed. In my naivate, I was actually disappointed in their decision ( as if it were any of my business) and really couldn’t understand why they hadn’t encouraged him to stay a little while longer.
None of the baby books warn you about the pain of college drop off. No one warned me that launching my child into adulthood would feel like part of my own body was being ripped away.
When I started Purdue University, a ” mere” 3 hours from home, I remember in those first few weeks sitting alone in my dorm room feeling that it was the winter of my discontent. Wishing someone, anyone, would come to my rescue and demand I return home. But that never happened and, in the end, everything worked out. I learned how to navigate life without my parents, eventually became adult-ish and had a terribly good time doing it. After the situation with my nephew, it reaffirmed my belief that I would “never” do what my brother and his wife did. Big words from a mom of elementary schoolers. That was before I was the mom of a college freshman about to matriculate herself out of my orbit.
If you thought labor and delivery was the hardest part of motherhood, hold on to your Lulus because the mental anguish of letting go makes child birth feel like a cake walk and that’s coming from a woman who did it unmedicated.
Bella decided last spring to defer acceptance to her first choice college and attend a private liberal arts college nearer to home her first year. She realized after several college visits that she prefers the intimate vibe of a smaller campus over a huge bustling one. She decided that she wanted 1 more year at home. I greedily accepted her decision. The school happens to be 25 minutes from my front door. Then, she decided to live at home this year, instead of on campus. Again, I greedily and whole-heartedly accepted her decision. Next year, she has every intention on transferring to her first choice. In fact, it’s already being carefully planned and coordinated with that prestigious university. They are happily awaiting her transfer and, barring any unforeseen circumstances, 3 56 days from today she’s fully spreading her wings and flying away.
Those of you who have already survived mom matriculation, the hardest part of motherhood thus far, and are letting go when every single cell in your body wants to hold on for dear life… you are so strong.
I know many of you have dropped your babies off at college in the past couple of days and weeks and have driven away sobbing as you bravely left your hearts on campus. I’ve been watching your posts and feeling those pangs of motherly heartbreak right along with you, mostly for you. But now, something strange has started to happen, I’m getting very overwhelmed and feeling very anxious in anticipation of my impending turn to let go. Fuck, I really don’t want to. ( I’m only saying this here because I can never utter the words “Don’t go” that my heart is screaming inside my head.) Just as I’m sure, none of you wanted to. I wanted to be cool about all of this but I’m realizing that I’m probably going to be the uncoolest about it.
This Friday is move in day for students living on campus at Bella’s school and also, the matriculation ceremony and banquet for freshman, kicking off a weekend long “welcome to campus” extravaganza. While Bella is not moving on campus, as if graduation itself was not the signal of the end… the matriculation ceremony is here to put a fine point on the fact that your child is no longer yours but almost, completely autonomously their own.
So while she’s still technically here, she’s really there. I know that just like on the day she was born and everything changed, on Friday everything changes again and in 356 days… everything changes forever. No matter how tight my mama heart wants to hold on to the most precious thing in my world, I know I have to let go. And at a time when all I want to do is hold her closer and cling to her more tightly (maybe more than ever), I have to gently push her away with a smile and encouragement, while convincing her that I’m fine and it’s all going to be amazing, because for her, it will be and that’s all that matters right now.
College drop off feels sort of like we’re heading into this weird parent-child purgatory where we’re both growing, letting go and being let go of, it’s by far the hardest part of motherhood.
Then, I’ll have to hug her, a hug that I know will need to sustain me for weeks or months (this child of mine, who I’ve hugged and kissed several times a day since her existence, who I’ve shared everything with) and I have to release her as mine as she runs towards who she’s meant to be. And I have to do it with grace and unconditional love because this is about her, not me. This is the beginning of her beautiful journey. Then, I’ll have to drive away leaving my child behind, seeing her walking towards her future in the rear view mirror as I become more of her past than her future. If this isn’t the hardest part of motherhood, I don’t know what is and I don’t want to know.
This starts Friday. I can already feel it. I’ve felt the pangs and waves of letting go all summer. I don’t know how I’ll survive my mom matriculation, especially, since I have to do college drop off this Friday, then again next August and then again the following year for my youngest. I know I will survive. Because now I know, living 25 minutes or 12 hours away from your child is actually the same distance in mom miles because in your heart is in your heart and no amount of time or distance can separate the bond between a child and their parent.
No matter how near or far she flies away, I’ll always just be a phone call, text, car or plane ride away and this is how we survive college drop offs and new beginnings, her and us…mostly us. This is why I smile for her while my heart completely breaks for me. This is how we survive the hardest part of motherhood… the letting go.
I’m seriously thinking of starting a mom support group for middle-aged, perimenopausal moms who’ve had to send their children off to college and are trying to survive the letting go. If you want in this mom matriculation posse, let me know. We’ll get through this college drop off, suffer being left behind next chapter of our lives together. Freedom is not what its all cracked up to be. Why didn’t the baby books warn us about this bullshit?
If you can relate or just love following along, as I head off into the motherhood unknown, please like, share and follow.
2023/08/23
Steubenville Ohio Where Football Trumps Respect for Women and the Fear of God
What the fuck is going on in Steubenville, Ohio? I am a Midwesterner and I am mortified by the kidnapping and rape case perpetrated by these football players. I have been biting my tongue about the Steubenville case because I wanted to read all the information out there and know what the hell I was talking about. I have now read every piece of disgusting media on this sick and twisted Steubenville cover up. (more…)
2013/01/08
A Fairytale, a Princess, Two Teeth and My prince
Last Friday, I kept Bella home from school so that we could watch the Royal Wedding together. I know it may sound absurd to some and it did, even to me, a few days before. But as the week was heading towards the wedding day, all of the sudden it hit me that when I was 8, I watched the wedding of Princes Diana and Prince Charles. I distinctly remember being up at 3 in the morning with my Mom and absolutely exhausted, sitting on the couch in our living room waiting excitedly to see my first ever real life Princes marry her prince. It truly was a magical moment for me. I vividly remember the dress and the ridiculously long train.But more than that, I remember the feeling of witnessing something that was historical and in that moment I felt like I was a part of history. A part of a fairytale. It was exhilarating and magical.
So on Friday, I woke Bella up and we put on our tiaras and snuggled on the couch. We drank some tea and I had a cup ( or 3 ) of coffee, and there may or may not have been some sugary pastry of some sort that found its way into the house. As we sat there waiting to see Kate’s dress, I held my breath and watched carefully the face of my 6 year old, studying it for any sign of significant reaction. I didn’t know if she really got it. Maybe she was too young.Maybe I was a real douche bag for waking my 6 year old up at 4:30 am. Maybe? Then we saw the soon to be Princess and Bella’s eyes brightened and I could see in her face all the awe that I had felt all those years ago.I hope that when her children read about this wedding in school someday, she can look back fondly on it and remember wearing tiaras and snuggling on the couch with her Mommy watching a princess marry her prince. And I hope it makes her smile.
Bella’s two top front teeth have been swaying back and forth , barely hanging on for almost a week now. Bella was determined to get at least one of those teeth out on the day of the wedding. She said it would be henceforth be known as her “Royal tooth”. Poor thing, she really tried to wiggle that sucker completely loose. Friday night came and went and that tooth still hung on. In fact, it hung in there all weekend long, until finally last night it twisted right out followed tonight by it’s companion. We promised her, under duress and tears, that we would still allow the tooth to be known henceforth as her “Royal Tooth” and it is. She said the tooth she lost tonight, she would like ti to be known as her “Love Tooth” because today is her Daddy’s birthday and she loves him. Why yes, yes she did make me cry a little bit.
Which brings us to our last, but certainly not least, wrap up of the last few days…today is the Big Guys birthday. He is turning 36.I have had him for 13 of those birthdays, almost a third of his life and I am a very lucky girl. Today’s birthday was a little hard to handle because we couldn’t celebrate it together. But soon that will be over and we will all be in the same household together like a normal family and that is definitely something to look forward to. But for now, I just wanted to say…Big Guy, I love you and we miss you. This is the last birthday any of us will have to send apart. And I leave you with the lyrics to the song that I think sums up our feelings about the Big Guy on his birthday:

We love you!XOXO
2011/05/03
Throat Punch Thursday~ Am I Ugly Edition
Am I Ugly?
Teen Girls are asking the world, “Am I Ugly?” ~ This is a recipe for disaster. As if the media is not already loading the gun with bullets of self-doubt with impossible standards perpetuated further by models and actresses embracing these standards, now our daughters are taking to the internet to ask a world peppered with miserable trolls, “Am I Ugly?”
This scares the hell out of me. The potential for catastrophic long term effects from this seemingly innocuous question is beyond belief. I know how a simple critique can go into a young girls ears and get twisted and bent until it has burrowed itself so deeply into her psyche that there is no chance of recovery. To think that a young girl would willingly open herself up to this kind of criticism is unbelievable. I would take the computers and phones away, home-school, whatever it took to spare my daughters of the pain of living with and suffering daily with body dysmorphic disorder.
Why Am I Ugly?
Let me assure you, there is no such thing as an innocuous question when you are opening yourself up to the world to ask Am I Ugly? There will always be someone who will say yes, even if it’s just to go against the grain. To this new fad of asking the entire world, Am I Ugly? I give the throat Punch because I can assure you that somewhere in the world there is a young girl who just lost all of her self-confidence because the reply to her video was yes.
Somewhere in the world, seeds of self-doubt have been planted and are taking root in a child’s brain. Somewhere in your neighborhood, a 12 year old is crying because she was just told that her skin was bad. Somewhere else, a little girl is running before school and skipping lunch because her reply was that her face looked chunky. There’s a little brunette who is waxing her face for the first time because she was told that maybe if she didn’t have a mustache; she’d have a boyfriend. A blonde with natural curls is wearing a hat because somebody called her hair frizzy. A red head is trying to scrub the freckles off of her face. Another girl is hiding her smile because someone said her teeth are crooked. And yet another tween is crying because her bangs won’t lay right, last night she was told her forehead was too big.
Once these things have been said to these girls, you can’t unring that bell. The girl is changed and she is now self-aware of every real and imagined flaw that have ever existed within her. This is a slippery slope that many girls come to in life and fall down and never recover from it.
It will never end. Beauty is respective. The standard is impossible and the system of measurement is skewed. These little girls need to hear it from their parents, from the time they can hear, that they are beautiful; they are smart; they are funny; they are athletic; they are strong; they are miracles! They need to be self- aware that they are capable of everything, not made painfully aware of their one shortcoming.
What would you do if your daughter made one of these videos? How do you feel about these videos being uploaded by tweens? How do you encourage your daughters to have self-confidence? How do you foster self worth? Don’t let our girls fall victim to the internet by asking Am I Ugly?
Don’t ask Am I Ugly; ask What’s my most Beautiful Quality
Photo Credit

2012/03/08
Nine Glorious Days
It’s been a glorious nine days but, as all good things, the Big Guy had to return to our regularly scheduled life; him living some place else, me left behind to tend to our life here. When he is gone, all week long, I have become accustomed to it. Neither of us like it, but both of us accept it. It is our status quo.But nine fabulous days ago, on a Friday in November, the Big Guy came home and surprised me with the news that he would be lingering at home with us for nine glorious days. This was certainly ~~good~~ great news.
You don’t feel the full effect of how much you actually miss someone, until you allow yourself to admit it to …yourself. That’s what I did. That’s where I’ve been, soaking in every single, last moment that we were gifted with together these last few days. Seeing my girls happy and smiling in the security of knowing that when they awoke the following day, Daddy would be there to hug and kiss them, to drive Bella to school, to hold Gabi’s hand as they walked back to the car, to look across the table at lunch time and see his robust smile and hear his hearty laugh at the most inappropriate times. That is the good stuff. Those are the moments that we all take for granted. To have my husband there to help put the girls to bed, to cuddle and spoon with on the couch while watching really bad television, to linger in one another’s arms in the morning as the girls happily scurried from room to room singing some made up song to wake us up on a Saturday morning.To be able to cook together, to enjoy one another’s company, to watch him sit with our girls in the dark media room and hold them close as they watch Christmas movies together, to see all three of them bask in the happiness that only daddy/daughter time together can bring.To know that tomorrow would come and he would be able to remain. To be peaceful without the impending doom of departure looming over head is a luxury that we took granted for so long but not now. Now, every single moment together is a gift.
The nine days were amazing for us, to most, they would be considered ordinary. For our family, they were extraordinary. We have not had nine consecutive days together in the same residence since this past February. It has been hard, on all of us. I never realized that just his physical presence makes such a difference to all of us.It brings us comfort, security, and love.He is our touchstone. He is my rock. He is their Daddy, which is the most important person in a little girl’s life.
I never considered before that a husband who works long hours and is only seen for a few minutes in the morning as he kisses you goodbye or a couple hours at night before you go to sleep could have such an impact. In the past, I may have felt like I was doing everything and perhaps sometimes he could have helped me out a little more but at the end of the day, he was there. If I needed someone to run an errand, or I was sick and needed to linger in bed for a few extra minutes, or one of the kids needed wiping, or I needed someone to pick up dinner, take out the trash, listen at the end of the day, a warm body to cuddle up to and recharge from an energy zapping day…he was always there. Before, I may have felt like I did everything but now I actually am, and there is a BIG difference.
Tonight, our nine day dream had to end and, as I sit here typing, we are back to the cold reality that Friday can’t come fast enough. The girls were teary eyed and slightly irrational, as were he and I.We had become so drunk on all the time together that the hangover will surely feel like the end of the world, at least for the next couple of days. If you are lucky enough to have the ones you love with you, give them an extra cuddle and kiss, you never know when that may not be the case. What is the hardest part for you when your Big Guy travels?How do your children react? How do you handle the anxiety that separation brings?
2010/11/29
Growing up Too Fast~ What the Eff Ever Mom!
Growing up too fast is no bueno. Yeah, I heard that collective groan. I did it myself today. Today was the Mommy equivalent to premature evacuation. You know what I mean about growing up too fast? Those days when your kid does something ahead of schedule? Don’t get me wrong, sometimes growing up too fast is awesome. 5 year old picks up her clothes, toys and fixes her bed..ahead of the curve. Awesome. 1.5 year old potty trains on her own. AWESOME! 3 year old can read…AWESOME! 4 year old can wipe her own ass! SUPER AWESOME!
Stop Growing Up Too Fast
But then there are those instances of growing up too fast that just plain suck. Having your child realize that there is no Santa, Easter bunny or tooth fairy…before they are 18 sucks. Having your little girl notice boys at the age of 5, not awesome. Having your little girl go through precocious puberty…definitely NOT awesome. Not being the biggest, brightest, end all be all to your children…so not awesome. But having your little one let go of you before you are ready to let go of them, may be the absolute worst case of growing up too fast! Growing up too fast is my least favorite thing about children, it goes hand in hand with all of this letting go business.
This morning, after dropping both girls off and leaving my husband at the airport, I braved the drizzly, cold morning and ventured back out to pick up my preschooler. She is sunshine on any rainy day. Her little smile grabs hold of my heart and wraps itself around it and hugs me from the inside out. It’s magical. I look forward t picking her up from school because I know when our eyes meet, I’m going to get the smile and that means that much needed hug from the inside out..especially on a cold, rainy Monday.
Slow Your Roll little girl, Your growing Up too fast
Today, after only 2 weeks of needing me to walk up to the door at pick up and begging me not to leave her alone at preschool every morning, she practically rolled her eyes at me. She walked out the door, side by side with another little girl. I was so happy, she’s made a friend. My heart swooned but the swooning didn’t last long. Her eyes met mine, she let go of her friend’s hand,promptly rolled her eyes “the OMG,this needy bitch again” was audible to my Mommy heart. She grabbed my hand to lead me to the car. I could feel the ” Well, come on let’s get on with it already. Let the ruining of my life commence!” Remember when you were in high school and you were in a relationship and it was over but neither on e of you had the balls to say so. The feeling of you’re holding me back find a new project already.Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. We’ve all been the giver and receiver in this scenario. I just never thought I’d be receiving it from my 4 year old, maybe when she was 15 but not now. It’s too soon. This is a prime example of GROWING UP TOO DAMN FAST!
We made our way to the car, she hurried me as if I had embarrassed her in some substantial way. When we arrived at the car, she quickly ushered me in and left me wondering, when the hell did I become an embarrassment. Wasn’t it just this morning that I was her everything?
Abbi: “Mommy, Guess what?” She sounded really serious, like we were about to have the birds and bees talk.
Me: “What, sweetie?”
Abbi: “Uhhhm, I don’t think you need to pick me up at the door anymore. I’m a big girl now. I’ll just walk out with my friends. OK?”
WTF? Isn’t the 4 year old version of it’s not you, it’s me speech? My head was spinning. I won’t lie, I was a little offended. Did I tell you that last week , she said it’s okay if I don’t lose all my weight because she’ll just tell people that I’m having a baby! Holy hell, who is this kid and what did she do with my sunshine? Give her back…now!
Me: “But don’t you want me to walk up to the door and walk you to the car anymore?”
Abbi: “Naaahhh!” Translation: What the Eff every Mom, get over it! I’m a big girl now!
With that, she tossed her hair, walked away, got in the car and buckled her own car seat. I’m pretty sure I was thrust 10 years into the future in that moment and I’m also pretty sure that I sprouted a new gray hair! Has your kid already cut you loose? What was it? How did they do it? How did you survive being broken up with by your little one? I’m not sure how much my Mommy heart can handle of this growing up too fast.
Babies Growing Up too Fast

2011/09/19
Be a Better Parent Challenge – Day 18 – Get happy!
Yesterday’s Be a Better Parent Challenge – Day 17 – Don’t Ask. Tell.
was a pretty good challenge for me. It especially has been helpful this week because school starts tomorrow and I have had to be the bedtime Nazi…”No staying up past 6:30 for you!” Before (this week) I would waver. “Oh, you did take a nap, so if you are up a little late..it’s OK” or “as long as you promise to sleep in tomorrow” but that’s all over. My oldest is starting kindergarten tomorrow ( more on that in the next post) and she absolutely has to go to bed by 6:30 or she simply will not function. Long gone are the days of “Bella, go to sleep for Mommy, OK?” “Bella aren’t you getting tired?” Of course she was tired, she is 5 years old and she is up at 9 pm. Well, this week its been very regimented and its been explained fully and she adheres. No problem, no argument. Can you frigging believe it? You mean I could have had my evenings to myself all this time?WHAT??? OK, so I do love the occasional Mommy and Bella stolen time when she wakes up and I’m still awake and she wants a little cuddle but we have to get this routine down for school. I am so proud of her for listening with no sassy back talk or bargaining and I am proud of myself for telling her what needs to be done and actually doing it. How did your Don’t ask.Tell day go?
Today’s Be a Better Parent Challenge – Day 18 – Get happy!
I suppose this may actually be the most difficult challenge yet because who knows exactly what it will take to make us happy. And maybe we’re already as happy as we’re going to get. But this is definitely a case of half empty versus half full and let me tell you, perspective can change absolutely everything about your life.
The point I’m trying to make is that in order to be better parents, we need to be happy people. I think we need to try and look at the world with a little optimism. Give that bitch a new spit shine, if you will. Happiness comes in all sorts of various forms – whether it’s the small things like being well-rested, getting a much needed pedicure, having a date night, or being alone without the kids.( These may seem like simple tasks to the untrained eye but for a parent, it can mean the difference between happiness and despair). Maybe your happiness is dependent on tackling the big guns, like issues with your spouse or frustration with your current work and not-work situation.Your happiness could be a reflection of how you feel about yourself but do you want your lack of fulfillment to trickle down into making your children unhappy? Of course not. If we do this we never even realize it.We need to find happiness in our lives and embrace it, change the things we can and let those we can’t fall away. We will be much happier people if we make a conscious choice to count our blessings and not our worries. This attitude and perspective will trickle down and we will effect our children’s lives in a positive way, not only by being better parents to them but better role models for them. Happiness is contagious!
Maybe we can’t make our lives perfect, but we can certainly strive to be happier in the lives we have.
I’m a firm agreement with Kristen that in order to be really great, attentive, loving, awesome better parents, we need to be happy people. “We can certainly fake it for awhile, but you can only shake a soda bottle and leave the cap on for so long before it pushes itself open.”
So today, take some time to figure out what your “happy” is. And if you’re at a loss, you might enjoy two of Kristen’s favorite sites, The Happiest Mom (a great blog soon to be book written by Meagan Francis) and The Happiness Project (a great book and now blog written by Gretchen Rubin).
Now Don’t worry, Go GET HAPPY! Let me know how you got happy!
2010/08/18
Be a Better Parent Challenge – Day 20 – Keep a journal
Yesterday’s Be a Better Parent Challenge – Day 19 – Let the other parent parent
I did try it. It was really the wrong day to try it because it was Bella’s first day of kindergarten and , remember my control freak nature, well, that makes it hard to let go when your whole world is spiraling out of control. I did let the Big Guy parent. At the school, I had to maintain some control and he helped me to do that by supporting that craziness. But he decided to buy Bella a first day of school Our Generation doll as a surprise that looks just like her and is even wearing a uniform that matches her ( did I mention the Big Guy is an awesome gift getter). I let him plan the rest of the day and help take some control. It was very difficult for me, since I am used to be in control all the time while he is out of town. But I tried my hardest, baby steps. How did you do?
Today’s Be a Better Parent Challenge – Day 20 – Keep a journal
First realize this does not mean your blog. Wish it were that easy. Think of it more like a food diary, its not just witty and anecdotal it is “REAL”. You gotta record the truth , the whole truth and nothing but the truth if it is going to be on any use to you.Just like our diets, no cheating or it wont work!
I’m talking about a notebook , an email address, a word document or even voice memos where you keep (or send) the daily happenings in your experience as a parent. What works? What doesn’t? How can you take those experiences and learn from them the next day? This is great for reference. I mean, remember the whole labor amnesia normal women have? I don’t! Wish I did, but no.One word; UNFORGETTABLE! I did however write it down, in the hospital after Bella was born. Know why? Because I was afraid the “amnesia” would render me senseless. It didn’t and apparently, I am senseless all on my own because I did it again.
We’re taught to learn from our mistakes, and evaluate our own behavior and performance, at least when it comes to jobs anyway, so why should parenting be any different? We’re certainly not born experts at this, and even more challenging is that once we seem to master something, our kids grow and change, which seems to push us right back to the novice side of things. So,why not help ourselves out with #2? Brilliant right? Give it a try.
So #20: Keep a Parenting Journal
It doesn’t have to be pretty or neat, and you don’t even have to write in full sentences. But write down the key happenings so that you can read back later on and hopefully better inform your parenting.
2010/08/20
Kindergarten~The Begining, the End, & a lot of Deep Breaths Inbetween!
Last night, I came slightly undone from a book ( The Night Before Kindergarten) and then I proceeded to have a complete meltdown when Bella misplaced her beloved Fifi ( the lovey she has had her entire life and she can’t sleep without). I totally thought I had a grip on all of this first day stuff. I mean , I am reasonable, I knew there would be emotions. My undoing by the book, I did not anticipate. But after I put her to bed, she came out of her room asking for her beloved Fifi. It all suddenly became very critical. It was like I felt as if I were smothering and my only salvation was to find that damn lovey. I was brought to tears by the misplacement of the little, fuzzy ball of pink.It wasn’t really the pink poodle, it was that it was so symbolic of her being little. How could that damn dog disappear on such a vital night of her short existence? Then it all got put into perspective, very calmly Bella said: “Mommy, its OK, I’ll try and sleep without her tonight.”
( Inside my head conversation) WHAT????NO, NOT YET! It’s TOO SOON!You NEED the dog. YOU are JUST a BABY!!!MY BABY!
It hurt so bad but I was so proud of her. Is this kid awesome or what? Especially considering what a basket case her Mommy has become in the past week. Of course, we found Fifi. I think we searched more for my soothing than hers, but in the end, we all slept better.
First Kindergarten Breakfast
This morning, I awoke with a stomach ache. The same exact one I got every day before my own first day of school. She woke up about a half hour before the alarm went off. She was so excited and I was so excited for her. Being a Mother on days like this is much like being a little bit rapid cycling bi polar, your emotions are all over the place.One minute you are overjoyed and the next crying like a sad little baby. The morning went off without a hitch. She put on her “lucky underwear” as she calls them, her knee socks, special headband that she chose for the first day ( because “Mommy, I need a little sparkle), and her uniform ( her “Unicorn ” as her baby sister calls it) and she twirled and squealed, and struck a couple poses.
First time dressed in her Kindergarten Uniform
Then she strapped on her brand new backpack that she was so proud of, grabbed her matching lunch box and she bounded for the car. I was lagging behind because I knew the moment that I walked through that door, I walked into a new phase of our lives. I lingered in the doorway for a solid minute before closing it behind me.

We arrived at school and she jumped out of the car,so excited. Gabs (the same child who had a complete meltdown at last year’s first day of preschool) right behind her, like a baby duck following her mother..both ahead of me and the Big Guy. Because as you remember from yesterday’s post, the Big Guy was there to hold my hand as I let go of Bella’s.
Leaving Me for Kindergarten
So, she gets in line with a the new Kindergartners. As she walked away, she wavered ever so slightly. But she lifted her head and kept walking forward. This is so symbolic of what kind of child she is. She never cries about it, she chin ups and sucks it all right up and gets through it. She is very stoic for a 5 year old. How I admire her braveness.
She got in line and the little girl behind her was holding on to her Mommy for dear life and crying sobbing uncontrollably. Then it became like watching your baby start to fall over when they are learning to walk, Bella’s little lip started to quiver and I could see her becoming overcome with emotion. I quickly got in her line of sight and flashed her the biggest smile I have ever smiled. I just wanted to be her sunshine and assure her that this day was going to be awesome! She quickly recovered, I grabbed her hand and we walked inside together.
After the long walk down to her room ( I have a pretty good idea what it feels like walking on death row to your execution now) we got to her hook and the her classroom. The Big Guy, myself, Gabs and Bella all took a deep breath and walked into the room ( another door). We stumbled to her seat, fumbled to put on her name tag as the Big Guy and Gabs videotaped from the reading rug.

I stood by my Bella and smiled at her and watched as her trepidation evolved into excitement once again. Then the dreaded words, ” Children please give your parents a big hug goodbye and tell them you will see them in a bit!” ( At least that’s the best I can remember of what they said, as I was fighting back tears and it was taking all my will to contain myself in front of my girl). Gabs embraced her sister like she was sending her off to war, the Big Guy hugged and kiss her repeatedly and pulled back teary eyed ( so much for being my strength). Lastly, I bent down and whispered to Bella, ” Be friends with the sad little girl.” Bella”I will Mommy” Me: “Bella, I am so proud of you! Have a great day! I love you so much and we are so proud of you!”Bella:”I know Mommy!I love you too!” Then I lingered and held the hug for longer than I should have and I kissed her more than I thought possible and then she said this giggling:” Mommy, stop kissing me so much. You are going to squish me to death on my first day of K
INDERGARTEN!” I kissed her one more time, I took a deep breath, and I let go of her little hand and I walked out the door! My eyes were wet, my heart was sad, my daughter was amazing!

Survived the first day of Kindergarten and now I am off to Parent’s Night!
2010/08/20
The Fickle Friendships of Five Year olds
This morning,we awoke to a dreary morning.These are the hardest to get the girls our of bed. I decided to get the morning started off on the right foot. I cranked up the i tunes and we had a early morning dance party to Liztomania. I know, not conventional but it got the girls up and moving and in a good mood. The rest of the morning went relatively smoothly.
We even arrived at drop off a few minutes early and Bella wanted to wait for her new friend. Yes, after all the drama of ‘feeling left out’ she has finally made a “best friend” in class. She has loads of friends outside of school but we all know how imperative it is to have at least one at the place we spend everyday.It’s been great. She has someone to play with and talk to, stand in the morning line with. They see each other at mass and they walk, arm in arm down to children’s liturgy. This friendship has been a source of heart happiness all around.Bella is actually looking forward to getting to school. ever morning.
But this morning, things went horribly wrong. In reality , it was not a big deal but through the eyes of a five year old, it was pretty monumental. As I said, we were specifically waiting for this little girl. Bella refused to get in line, lest she end up stuck by someone other than her bestie. Her excitement was palpable. So, there we stood and then..she arrived. Bella’s little face lit up like a Christmas tree. I was wearing what could only be described as a cat that ate the canary grin , myself. How could I not be, Bella was so happy.
I watched the little girl approaching and she had that running late/woke up late/ pissed at the world look on her face. As an adult, I knew that these were the tell tale signs of a bad mood. But before I could stop the train wreck.. it happened. Bella made a b line for the little girl and when she ran up in line next to the little girl, still smiling and excited, her excited chatter was greeted by what I refer to as the, “Why the hell are you speaking to me” blank expression.You know the one, we’ve all seen it once or twice in our lifetime. That look that makes you feel about 2 inches tall; simultaneously breaking your heart and making you feel stupid in the same moment.
I watched as all the color drained from Bella’s face and I could virtually see her heart sink and her stomach knot. She became silent, and she looked at me. her eyes nervously darted towards me and cried out ” What’s going on?Why is my friend being mean to me?” I saw her eyes welling with tears. In my head, I was willing her not to cry. She held my gaze with a nervous smile.I had to swallow a huge lump in my throat because while I understood that this little girl was just having a bad morning, Bella did not .All that she knew was that her best friend wouldn’t talk to her.
Of course, I came over and gave Bella a hug and kiss in line and told her that I loved her. I also told her to not worry about it, maybe the little girl was just having a hard time waking up. Then I walked to the back of the line to wait for Bella to go into the building. She held my gaze, as if it were my hand and I was giving her strength. The bell rang and as she walked away, I saw her head drop a little. My heart was breaking for her.
Her class is in the basement and from the drop off, you can see her classroom. I never linger and watch her come into class but she looked so deflated and defeated that I could not, in good conscience, leave without knowing she was OK. I watched as she came into class and made yet another failed attempt at talking to her friend. My heart broke a little more. Then she continued to follow the little girl around the room. She was determined. Then they sat down and I realized the connection, their best friend status stems from seating geography; probably nothing else. Finally, she looked up and her sister and I smiled and waved. Then we exchanged air kisses. I gave her the thumbs up and she smiled. Then the little girl caught sight of us and I smiled and gave her a thumbs up too. Next, both girls were waving their arms wildly, smiling and giggling with one another as they shared this moment of Gabs and I standing outside smiling at them. I left and I felt that maybe I had righted the injustice. At least they were talking.
I know that I can’t live my daughters lives for them. But as their mother, I want to shield them from all the unnecessary hurt in the world. I think that is pretty common for us Mommies. I walked to my car and I almost lost it because I’m not sure what hurt or happiness the day holds for Bella and worse, I have no control over it. You know, I can take anything the world wants to throw at me but I become extremely fragile when it comes to my girls. My heart is worn like an exposed nerve when it comes to them. I realize that these incidents are part of growing up and any hurt feelings are just casualties of getting to that bigger part of their life. But all I want to do is wrap her tightly in my arms and shield her from all the injustices and hurt in the world. When it comes to my love for my girls there is no reason, no boundaries, no diplomacy…just love.
2010/09/22