The TRUTH About Motherhood

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What to Do When the Unthinkable Happens to Your Child
You know it’s bad enough that we live in a world where I have to feel trepidatious every time I drop my kids off at school or hear a siren. It’s bad enough that I have to live in world where people bully other people for sport and children are regularly kidnapped, raped and murdered. All these things, I think about every day. I think of childhood diseases and cancers and getting hit by a car or stolen an these things scare the hell out of me.
Yesterday morning was one of the worst of my life thus far. We all hate to see our children sick. It makes us feel helpless. For me, it is the worst feeling in the world. Worse than anything else I have ever experienced. I’d do anything for them to never feel pain. Give it all to me. Let me take the pain and sickness and let them only feel well and happy. My mind goes to dark places when my children are sick.
When my nephew was 3, he was diagnosed with leukemia and since then, I have been acutely aware of the mortality of children. It is the one thing that scares me above all else; loving someone else so much that you can’t imagine surviving without them and knowing that at any time, anywhere, it can all be taken away. It scares me more than anything. Yesterday, I found myself in the emergency room with my oldest daughter and I was scared to death and helpless and all I could do was pray.
My 8-year-old woke up yesterday morning and immediately said she had a sore throat and didn’t feel too well. The night before she complained of a slight headache and scratchy throat, so I suggested that we take her temperature and sure enough she had a slight fever, 99.9. School says it’s not a fever until it’s over 100. Mommy says it’s a fever over 98.6. The three of us walk down the stairs through the foyer and make our way to the kitchen. Both girls stand by the counter while I grab some ibuprofen, only this is when things when terribly wrong.
With my back is to her, I stood about 5-feet away grabbing the ibuprofen, Bella screams out terrified, “Mommy, I can’t see!”
“What?” my mind is racing. I run over to her and immediately start putting my hands in front of her face to see if she can see anything.
“Can you see this?”
Staring blanky at nothing and her voice starting to crack, “No, Mommy, I can’t see anything!”
I am swept up in fear because the first thing that comes to my mind is the photophobia caused by meningitis. The very thing I lost a student to in the matter of a weekend. Oh shit! What do I do?
As she was finishing her sentence, her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed into my arms. Luckily, I was standing directly in front of her. I was hysterically shouting her name and shaking her. I was terrified. For a few seconds, that felt like an eternity, she was completely unresponsive and my mind went to the darkest place of all; was she dead? Oh my God, she’s dead.
Then she opened her eyes but she was still limp like a rag doll. My heart was beating a million miles a minute. My chest hurt. My heart literally felt like it had exploded. I drug her to the nearest chair (my 8-year-old is 75 pounds and 4 foot 10 she is almost as big as I am). I couldn’t think straight. All I knew was that I had to get her to the hospital now and I didn’t know where the closest hospital even was. As I dialed my husband, 2 hours away, just arriving at work, she said, “Mommy, I’m going to be sick!”
She is shaky and still limp-like. I walk her to the bathroom and hold her so she doesn’t collapse face first into the toilet tank. She is wobbling. I am shaking. I am trying to stay cool because my 6-year-old is watching the whole thing go down. Not crying, not scared just looking to me.
“Gabi, please get your sister some water.”
She did, no complaining or back-and-forth. She kicked into fight mode and she was calm and rational and I have never seen this side of her because usually she is the first one to fall apart. I was amazed. I needed her to stay calm. I couldn’t handle one more thing going wrong. I was on the mommy edge.
I finally reached my husband, I choked out the words,“Bella passed out. I have to take her to the hospital. Where’s the hospital?” Fighting back tears. He tells me to call his mother and he is on his way. I can’t reach her. I frantically call my brother who is 5 minutes away. He tries to calm me down but I am in the other room from the girls and I can barely breathe, never mind talk. He’s coming right over to take us to the hospital. I am hysterical in my mind but trying to keep my cool in front of the girls but inside, I am falling apart all over the place and collapsing in the fetal position in my own pool of snot and tears. I am praying. Constantly.
“Gabi, go get dressed and come back. “ She does. “Stay with your sister while I grab my clothes. “
I ran faster than I knew I could and grabbed whatever was nearest and then I grabbed her clothes and ran back downstairs where I found her pale and meek, sipping water as her baby sister, held her hand and watched her every move. I dress in the living room and then dress her. My mind is still in that very dark place. I can’t unsee her motionless in my arms, unresponsive and I can’t stop feeling like my world just ended. I’m having a panic attack but no time for that now.
I am crying right now thinking about it. No mother should ever have to see that, ever.
My brother pulls up and we race off to the hospital. It’s a good thing that he came because I couldn’t drive. I was in no shape to drive. My mind settled in that calm before the storm place and I was going through the motions of doing everything I could for my child, I wouldn’t allow the fear to rear its head. I had to gag and bound my fear and throw it back in a closet until I knew what was going on. I had to keep my mind clear for what was coming. I asked a million questions and was very specific about recounting the events of the morning and the previous night. I was her unrelenting advocate. I asked for prayers from my friends because sometimes prayers and faith are all that can soothe your soul. I even learned about 555 Angel Number that changed my life for the better.
All the tests came out fine; the blood work, the glucose, the EKG and the 2 hours of heart monitoring. Blood pressure was fine. The only thing wrong was that she was running a fever, which had now escalated to 100. 4 and her throat was red. They gave her antibiotics and sent us home. They gave me no answer for WHY my perfectly healthy child passed out. They told me what wasn’t wrong but said sometimes these things just happen when you are sick. This didn’t sit well with me. This is my baby; my world.
I immediately, contacted our pediatrician to inform her of the situation and she had all the labs sent to her and we scheduled a follow up. I called my brother-in-law who is a doctor and one of my closest friends who is an ER doctor. I gave them the run down, the tests and results and asked for their professional opinions because these are two people who love my child and are qualified. Consensus is that there was a drop in blood pressure from the fever and not eating yet, which caused temporary blindness and then her to pass out. Both said to push fluids because children dehydrate when sick. I felt a little more at ease and then our pediatrician called and confirmed the diagnosis and prescribed rest, plenty of fluids and to come in on Monday.
This morning, my mind is still in that dark place. I can’t stop seeing her limp in my arms. She woke up full of energy but I kept her home today because she still had a slight fever and more to the truth, the thought of sending her out the door after what happened yesterday morning made me sick to my stomach. I just want to hug her and never let her go. I feel crazy and scared and facing my children’s mortality, the one fear that I thought I had bound, gagged and locked away in some space I’d forgotten about years ago.
Thank you all for the prayers and positive thoughts. It meant a lot to me yesterday when I was sitting there in the ER and my mind was going to the really dark and awful place. You were my flotation device when I was drowning in fear. Now, I am off to have a good cry.
How do you deal with these sort of situations without freaking out and how do you get past that fear that lingers in the pit of your stomach afterwards?

2013/10/04
That Time I Had to Hide in a Bathroom Stall with my Daughter
Ever think about what it really means that we are parenting in a world where it’s completely necessary to teach our children what to do in case someone enters the the building with a gun? Something happened last week that left me more than a little freaked out. I haven’t talked about it on here because I didn’t know where to start. I wasn’t sure that I even wanted to talk about it because then I had to admit that it was real.
But then in the news I read that a couple people had been shot and murdered at our local Texas Roadhouse. It was a Sunday night. It’s a family restaurant. Can you imagine going out for dinner with your family and being caught in crossfire? Can imagine what you would do if you were sitting there with your child?
We’d all like to think that it would never happen to us. That mass shootings, or a madman on the loose with a firearm, happens someplace else; anywhere else. It just doesn’t happen here because then we would have to face our greatest fear every single time we walked out of the door. We’d have to accept that every moment outside the bubble of our home puts those we love most at risk. So we push it down, way down. We throw caution to the win and we don’t let the “terrorists” win (the terrorists being crazies with guns). But sometimes, it does happen here. There. To you. It can happen to any of us.
Last week, I was at the mall with my daughters and my mother-in-law school shopping. The sun was shining. The guys were at a thing and us girls, we were just having a relaxing day of buying things we needed to back-to-school and “mannequin shopping” (as my youngest refers to window shopping) for those things on our wish list. It was a day like so many others but not quite. We had no idea what was about to transpire.
We had hit all the stores we needed to hit and were hitting Sears as a last ditch effort to find the correct size in uniform shirts and shorts for my tall and thin children before we were going to let the girls go someplace they actually wanted to go…Claire’s and Justice. After much searching, we finally found some uniform polos that would work. As we neared the register, the littlest one tells me that she needs to go to the restroom. Of course she does, she always has to go to the restroom. I think she is secretly surveying all the bathrooms in the world. She’ll probably start some amazing yelp like service for toilets when she’s a tween but I digress. This is serious shit and I’m getting off track.
My mother-in-law stays in line with my oldest to pay and the little one and I go to the restroom. In case you were wondering, my girls are 9 and 11-years-old and, no, I still don’t let them go to the restroom unaccompanied because I simply don’t trust people. She went to one stall, while I went to another (hey, that’s progress) and then it happened.
I was washing my hands while she was still in the stall. I was chatting to her, letting her know that I was waiting outside the stall door. She was cracking jokes and laughing, as she is known to do. She is a really silly kid. I love that about her. Then we heard it, something off in the distance outside the women’s restroom door. Something like I’ve never heard before. It sounded like a child tantruming and very agitated but it was clearly an adult man. I could hear the tension escalation and nearing us.
I was really confused because when we had walked into the restroom, through the furniture section, there were three seemingly normal grown men sitting there. Yet, this howling, agitated screaming and shouting was getting louder and louder and I could hear arguing. My heart was racing. Oh my God, what’s about to happen?
These are the moments in parenting where you find out who you really are.
So, I started rapping on my daughter’s stall but I wasn’t saying anything because I didn’t want anyone outside the bathroom to know we were in there. I didn’t want to call attention to our location. Then in a panic, I whisper shouted, “Gabi, let me in. It’s mommy.” She did. I could see on her face that she was terrified. I tried to calm her with my eyes but I knew the voices were getting closer and louder and even more agitated with each step.
I pushed her to the back of the stall. I told her to be quiet and make herself small. Hide as best you can in a stall. I had no idea what was coming through that door. I feared it could be a man with a gun. I was terrified but not for me or my safety, but for my daughter; my littlest girl. All I could think of was those poor men trapped in the bathroom at Pulse nightclub in Orlando.
I readied myself for the worst. I positioned myself in between the door and my child and I braced it with all of my weight. I was looking through the crack in the stall when a huge, mentally challenged man came bursting through the door. He was pacing back and forth and hitting himself in the head; clearly agitated. He was hitting the stall door next to me. No one else was in there except for him and us. I wanted to cry and scream for help but I had to stay silent and keep my composure. He was out of control and not in his right mind.
Then, an elderly woman, I’m assuming his mother, burst into the bathroom. She grabbed him and tried to subdue him. Her eye caught mine looking through the slit in the stall. I’m sur she could see the terror in my eyes. She was tiny and he was massive. I wanted to help her but he was twice my size and while her concern was her child, mine was my own child. We stayed in there, silently hiding from this man for what seemed like forever. I’m sure it was only a few minutes.
I heard her talking to him with a mother’s love and trying to calm him down. She pulled him into the handicapped stall next to us. He was still screaming and howling and I could hear him hitting himself. I couldn’t even breathe but I had to stay strong for my daughter. Then, I heard the mom shut the stall door and tell him, “just stay here with me and breathe for a minute,” and I knew it was our chance.
I quietly opened the stall door, checked to make sure it was safe and slipped out with my daughter safely tucked behind me. I was a human shield, just in case, he flew back out of the stall agitated. My daughter was trembling, as I held her close to me. We got outside of the door and finally exhaled.
And there sitting, laughing, were the three grown men. The same men who watched me walk into the restroom with my little girl. The same men who saw this mentally deficient, unstable man flipping out and proceeded to watch him enter the restroom where my daughter and I were at, all the while doing nothing. The same men who watched as a frail, tiny elderly woman went in to face a huge, agitated and angry man. They laughed. My daughter was trembling and they laughed. The only reason I didn’t stop and say something to them was because I didn’t know if that man was going to come running out of the bathroom, still unstable. My priority was getting my daughter to safety. Instead, I went to the cashier and they sent security.
This is the world we live in. The world where grown man do nothing while a child is in danger. A world where no one, other than this man’s mother, thought it was enough to check on him, even though he was screaming, yelling and hitting himself. A world where my little girl cried when we got home because she was too scared to answer the door at first and she felt guilty. A world where my first thought was that someone was coming in to shoot us.
The sad reality is we’re parenting in a world where any of us can become a victim of gun violence at any time.
2016/08/19
Exclusive Interview with Mackenzie Foy; Disney’s the Nutcracker and the Four Realms Clara
Thank you to Disney and ABC for inviting me to Los Angeles on an all-expense paid trip, in exchange for coverage of Disney’s the Nutcracker and the Four Realms event. I was hosted by Disney for the #DisneysNutcrackerEvent and given the opportunity to interview Mackenzie Foy but all opinions are my own.
Last week at this time, I was being whisked away to the infamous Roosevelt hotel where I had the pleasure of interviewing Mackenzie Foy, Clara in Disney’s the Nutcracker and the Four Realms. She was absolutely as sweet, kind and charming as you could imagine. She is such a smart and poised young lady.
READ ALSO: My Disney’s the Nutcracker and the Four Realms Red Carpet Experience
Mackenzie Foy is a very talented young actress; turning 18 on November 10. Happy birthday, Mackenzie! I loved her in Twilight and The Conjuring but she really shines in Disney’s the Nutcracker and the Four Realms!
Exclusive Interview with Mackenzie Foy
How does it feel to be a classical holiday character now?
It’s really fun. What’s beautiful about the Nutcracker that it’s such a beloved story throughout many, many years, so it’s really, really, really fun to be able to play a character that so many people all over the world can relate to and have this childhood connection from seeing the ballet when they were young, and I think that’s really important to be able to do.
What was it like to get the call that you were gonna be Clara in the movie?
It was really exciting. So I was actually in the shower and doing my hair when my mom ran in, and she was like, ‘the director’s on the phone’. I was like, oh my gosh, okay, and so I put a towel on and I answered and the director was like, ‘would you be our Clara?’ I was like, oh my goodness, yes. Thank you so much. And he’s like, all right, see you in a couple weeks.
Photo Credit: Coralie Hughes Seright
Can you tell us about the interview process?
The audition process was actually quite long. It was about two months, which isn’t really, really long, but it is more than usual. And it was really fun. Once I did a screen test, they flew me to London to do it in full costume- hair and makeup; a partial set; real camera, it was like, oh my goodness. I didn’t really have too many details about the story of the character when I first got the audition. I just knew that it was a British character and that immediately piqued my interest.
Talking about stunts on Disney’s the Nutcracker and the Four Realms
I actually did a lot of stunts and stuff, which was really fun. I did horse training, which was awesome, and I went to this place- it’s called The Devil’s Horseman; they’re film horses, and so they’re proper stunt people. It was really, really cool being with these horses. It’s what you think of, the English countryside – that’s what it looked like there. So it was actually amazing training outside on these beautiful horses. It was crazy.
READ ALSO: Disney’s the Nutcracker and the Four Realms Movie Review
What was your favorite realm in the film?
Which realm? It’s everchanging. Right now I really love the Land of Snowflakes just because it’s very blue and shiny, and very sparkly because it’s still kinda hot here. I’m dying for winter weather and winter cool.
What was your favorite Clara costume to wear?
I wear quite a few costumes in the film which was really, really fun. They were all handmade- all very, very intricate, which is really amazing. But I really love the purple party dress because that one has a bustle- and it’s really fun. Actually, I have a couple bustles in the film. I have a proper cage and then I have a bum pad.
Photo Credit: Coralie Hughes Seright
More on costuming and makeup
It was very beautiful, but there’s a lot of detail that went into the costume design, from the tights to the shoes, to the many skirt layers, and the bodices, and the corset. So I have a very high respect for all of the costumes, and also they have kind of a different character to them, They kind of go with Clara’s evolution, which I really like.
I don’t really wear a lot of makeup in the film, just a little bit of concealer if I have a pimple or something. Then hair wise, it would vary, and there’s a couple of looks that took – I’m bald from wrapping my hair around wires and stuff. But there’s all the twisting with the braids and all that kinda stuff. The hair and makeup team was really, really amazing, and I loved talking to them every morning. I really enjoyed going in there because that’s kinda like a time you get to just sit and talk, and see how everybody’s doing. The actors coming in and out, and you talk to the hair and makeup people, and it was just really fun every morning.
What is your favorite scene in the film and why?
Misty Copeland performs a dance scene in this, and it’s really, really quite beautiful. What’s really cool, because you guys are gonna see it tonight, the sets in that scene, well, in a lot of the scenes in the film, were real. So when she’s in the trailers, you see she’s walking through and this castle pops up, and the flowers open in the ground. Those were real. Those are real people really making it all work. And so that’s actually a really cool thing about that.
And if you look in the background behind, the chairs, all of the extras are color-coded, and so they had an ombre effect. Wrapped around the set was this canvas of night sky, and they actually poked giant holes in it and then shone lights behind it so it looked like stars. And so the sets in this film are very, very intricate, and that one was one of my favorites just because it was so beautiful.
What advice do you have for young girls that look up to you and want to follow in your footsteps?
As for young girls, I hope they see this film, and I hope they see that Clara is unapologetically herself. That even though she’s this young inventor in her time period, it wasn’t really socially acceptable, but she still says – This is who I am. This is what I love to do, and I’m gonna do it. And I hope they see that and know you can do that. You can be interested in science. You can be in interested in mechanics. And you can still wear dresses and like those kinds of things.
What was it like working with Morgan Freeman? He seems like a father figure, so what was that like?
He’s a really nice guy. He’s very joyous and has a very fun sense of humor, so it was really fun just getting to know him and getting to talk to him, and seeing what he was like.
Can you tell us what a typical day would look like for shooting?
Yes. A typical day of filming – putting on the costumes and playing and working with them which was really fun. The set on this film- the cast and crew- everyone was really, really nice, so it was really fun, and very happy environment. I actually still keep in contact with a lot of the crew. It was really amazing.
There was a lot of young women in the crew, and so we all go along really, really well, and we’d talk about our shows that we watched on the weekend, and all of that stuff. If you’re a kid, you still have to do school – because of my age, I have three to five hours of a school a day. Whenever there was downtime, if they had to change the cameras and stuff like that, I would go and do schoolwork.
How does being the main character different from being a supporting character?
Well, every character, no matter how big or small has its own challenges because they’re all unique, and you have to do the research in order to properly create them. But I would say with Clara, and her being a main role, there was definitely- this is the story- it follows my character, so I have to make sure that everything is in line.
I have to make sure the past is in my head, and I have to make sure I know where she’s going. So with the bigger part, you have to go more in detail to all those things, especially how they relate to every single character in the film.
Do you see this film as being one of those traditional holiday movies that families will continue to watch every year?
Well, I definitely hope it is something that people want to see every year. I think the film really captures the spirit of the holiday season -when it starts to be cold, and you just have that joyous feeling. I think it really captures that, and I think it also has elements of the book and the ballet to where if you are older, you have seen it many times, you have that nostalgic feeling, but it also has kind of a new twists and turns, and so it kind of brings in the younger and all ages. It kind of brings everyone in together to watch it. So I hope that families like it, and that they go and see it every year.
Photo Credit: Coralie Hughes Seright
Mackenzie Foy is an amazing young lady who plays a strong, independent Clara who will inspire little girls for years to come.
Be on the lookout for my next interview with Misty Copeland who plays the ballerina in Disney’s the Nutcracker and the Four Realms.
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2018/11/04
The Day My Daughter Stopped Dancing
This year, my youngest daughter decided that she wanted to try something new and she doesn’t want to dance anymore… for now. She wanted to try cheerleading. She’s been dancing since she was 2-years-old. I started to feel her pulling away from dance last year. I tried to resist. If you could see her do ballet, she is a natural; graceful and refined but she longs for something different.
She’s trying to escape the shadow of her sister and is tired of being referred to by most as simply, “Little Bella”. At school, everyone constantly compares her to her big sister. They mistake the 2 of them all the time. They call her by her sister’s name. People have asked if they are twins, despite the fact that they are 2 years apart and look very different and have even more different personalities. I don’t see it. I never have. I see Bella and I see Gabi.
But Gabi has been feeling dwarfed by her big sister’s shadow. I was the big sister so I don’t know exactly how this feels. But I am sympathetic to her challenge.
Bella in the past 2 years has been diving head first into the deep end of ballet. She loves it and she wants to move forward. She’s in the youth company and she’s dedicated to the point where she has dropped every other extra-curricular activity that she was involved in. Bella knows that ballet is a sacrifice but she doesn’t mind.
READ ALSO: How to Raise Resilient Children When Everyone Gets a Trophy
Last year, Gabs wanted to do the same. Well, she wanted to be with her big sister. She joined the company and she was there a lot of hours for a ten-year-old. I was afraid it would overwhelm her. Yet, in the deepest recesses of my heart, I had daydreams of the two of them dancing Russian in Nutcracker together. I know it sounds stupid.
By the middle of last year, Gabi was overwhelmed and she quit the company before the 3^rd production. I had to let her because she’s the one doing all the work but it hurt. It wasn’t what I had seen for her future. I know ballet is not forever for them but I really wanted to see them perform together on stage.
Then this summer, she told me that she was not doing Youth company and she wasn’t sure that she even wanted to dance. She wanted to cheer with her friends. Bella used to cheer but she’s always been more of a ballerina than a cheerleader. There is a big difference. Both take a lot of work but it’s different.
Anyways, Gabs told me that she was only going to do 1 of her recommended 3 classes and she was going to do pointe and tap. I knew, in my heart, this was letting go. She had one foot in each world. I’ve been watching her cheer and she loves it. Whether it is being with her friends or just the freedom to be loud and unrestrained, she seems happier. She looks like she can finally exhale.
But she is such an amazing dancer. She is one of those people with so much natural rhythm and grace that it is almost a shame to not dance. She is one of the most beautiful dancers I’ve ever seen. Her lines are exquisite. Plus, when you are dancing, you are the star. Even when you are part of the corps, you are still dancing in a spotlight. Cheerleading is being the support for a team. It’s being the woman behind the man and that makes me cringe, just a little bit. But she lights up.
She was doing both. In fact, she insisted that she audition for the Nutcracker this year when I was sure that she would want to sit this one out. She cheers at games a couple times a week and then there is practice plus her dance classes. But she was adamant about auditioning.
Recently, the cast list went up and when she saw that she was assigned a part that she has done twice previously, one that she did not do last year because she had leveled up, she was heartbroken and there was nothing I could do.
READ ALSO: What’s so Special About the Nutcracker
I tried to explain to her tiny heart broken into a million tiny pieces that when you straddle too many worlds you do them all disservice. You can’t give half the effort and expect twice the results. You have to give the dedication and hard work to move forward; to move up. It’s so hard to explain this concept to someone so young.
After a long, long cry she came to me and told me, very maturely, that she doesn’t want to dance anymore for now. She feels overwhelmed doing cheer and ballet because both schedules are demanding.
On the inside, my heart was breaking because I feel like she is making a mistake. I feel like she has a gift for ballet and she is throwing an opportunity away but then I remind myself, it is her gift to do with what she may. I can’t force her to do the work and I don’t want to make her hate it.
So, I told her that she can take the year off. She will still be doing barre work and bands at home and at the end of the school year, we will reassess. Maybe she’ll realize that she misses performing and dancing. Maybe she will be glad to have it off of her plate but either way, I will always be here to support her and love her.
But, in my mamma heart, I still have big dreams of my girls dancing Russian together on the stage together. For now, you can find me on the football field cheering on the cheerleaders, at the ballet cheering on my ballerina and at home telling them both that they can be anything they are willing to work hard for and nothing worth having is free. I’ll keep leading by example and hope that’s enough.
Either way, it’s not about me. It’s about them. My hope is to raise good, hardworking, honest, self-confident girls who feel like they can come to me and talk about everything when they need to. I will listen and try not to judge. Make good choices girls but also, I will be here to guide you because that’s what moms do…even when we’re letting you choose. We let go, even when we want to hold on tighter.
The bottom line is we can’t force our children to do anything that doesn’t bring them joy and expect them to excel at it. They have to do the work and we have to respect that. But we can hope.
What have you had to let go of and let your child make the decision for themselves?
2018/10/01
Girl You’ll be a Woman Soon
Today it happened. My little caterpillar began her official metamorphosis into a butterfly. We knew it was coming. We’ve talked about menstruation. She knew what to expect. We’ve been given different expectancies from different pediatricians but if we were going on genetics, she was right on the money.
We’ve been talking about the joys of womanhood a lot lately because I have been experiencing more than my fair share thanks to my cervical biopsy back in October. I’ve been the queen of TMI mostly because I can’t even believe this first disappearing and now, never stopping menstruation of mine. You’d think it was the last one that I’m ever having for all my life. It’s a freaking mass exodus. 3 months worth of uterine lining is.the.worst!
While I’m slipping headlong into the end of my days as a butterfly, my girl is slowly evolving into the most majestic butterfly that ever did live. Recently, I’ve begun to notice the roundness of her baby Buddha has given way to a more svelte outline. Her hair which was once stick straight has begun to wave. Mine did the same thing in middle school. And her once childlike figure is slowly fading out and in its place, a young woman is emerging.
All of these things, I expected. I prepared myself and the girls for. I didn’t want this time in their life to be traumatic like it was for me. Puberty was sort of thrust upon me one summer’s day in the middle of a McDonald’s bathroom. I immediately felt like I looked different and everyone must be able to tell. The same thing happened the first time I had sex. I didn’t want that to be the experience for my girls. I didn’t want them to feel like a freak and want to run away and hide. I wanted them to see it as something beautiful. Nothing to be ashamed of but to celebrate. No, I’m not talking a party for your period, that’s a bit much for me but the cake would be divine but who the heck wants to put on something cute when you’re bloated? Not me.
I want them to embrace their femininity with both hands and be as fierce and simultaneously as soft as they want to be. I want them to love being a woman. I want being a woman to not be so hard. I want them to be strong but able to be weak when need be. I want them to be who they are unapologetically.
So today, I picked up my little girl from school and she got in the car and said, excitedly, “Guess what?” She had a little smirk on her face. “What?” I asked. I thought maybe she had some juicy 7^th grade gossip or won some kind of an award. She was in a good mood.
“Mom, I got my period.”
Just like that. As blunt as anything that has ever come out of my mouth. She said it with just the faintest blush and a big smile and a tinge of pride as if she had just joined me in my secret women’s club. I’ll admit, I wasn’t really expecting it but I wasn’t not either. I just wasn’t expecting it today.
I asked how she was feeling. She said fine. In true tween fashion she “didn’t see the big deal.” Then I asked if she felt sick in her stomach or crampy and she said no, just tired. Then, I told her this was exciting and we should celebrate because it’s not every day you begin your journey into young womanhood. She smiled, then looked at me like I was slightly deranged and we all went for ice cream in December. For the record, no one looked at me like I was deranged while they were eating their blizzards.
I long ago stocked the girls’ bathroom with sanitary napkins and liners. They know about heating pads and ibuprofen for cramps, no caffeine because they exacerbate cramps, extra water to help reduce bloating and I’m installing an app on her phone tonight so she can chart her period. I used to hate surprise periods in those first few years.
She’s sleeping now. It’s 7 p.m. I told her she can ask me anything. I’m an open book. I know she knows that but I like to say it every once in awhile just to remind her. I couldn’t help kissing her on her forehead as my sweet young lady lay there in bed clutching her Fifi that she’s slept with every night since she was born. I want to freeze this moment and make it last forever but I know I can’t.
I’m happy for her, this is a milestone in a young woman’s life, and I am scared for her because I know what lies ahead. It’s hard being a woman. I want to hug her tight and hold her in my arms like a baby once more and at the same time I want to give her freedom to become who she will be.
For now, we take it day by day. We read together at night snuggled in my bed. We talk about everything and occasionally, she rolls her eyes at me but now, we share this special new bond. I am her mother and she is my daughter and now, we are both women and its one of the most beautiful moments of motherhood so far. I never expected it. We are growing closer as the baby and mother divide closes.
When we give birth, we are everything to our children and they are everything to us. We complete one another. We need one another, like air. But this new phase on our journey as mother and daughter, we grow closer as soon she will no longer need me but instead want me in her life and the choice of her choosing me, as I chose her, is truly the most beautiful thing I’ve yet experienced.
I’m going to stop writing now because as I said, I am on day 14 of my neverending period so I may be a tad bit overly emotional plus, my baby just became a woman so there’s that.
P.S. I asked my daughters permission before posting this, she said, “Hey, you’re the one who should be embarrassed talking about your bleed out. Not me. I don’t care.” So, there’s that. Like mother like daughter.
2017/12/13
Steubenville Ohio Where Football Trumps Respect for Women and the Fear of God
What the fuck is going on in Steubenville, Ohio? I am a Midwesterner and I am mortified by the kidnapping and rape case perpetrated by these football players. I have been biting my tongue about the Steubenville case because I wanted to read all the information out there and know what the hell I was talking about. I have now read every piece of disgusting media on this sick and twisted Steubenville cover up. (more…)
2013/01/08
10 Things I Know To Be True About Motherhood
Today, I welcome my friend and fellow blogger, famously Mom sexy, Mary, of The Mommyologist.com. She’s about to blow the lid off the best kept mom secrets you never knew you needed to know. She shares with us an intimate assortment of parenting wins and fails in her poignant post 10 Things I know to be True about Motherhood.
Mary inspires me with her positive attitude and her advocacy of the mom sexy movement. I visit her blog and she reminds me that I can still be sexy even if I am a Mommy and that as a mom, it’s OK to still want more for ourselves beyond loving and raising our children. Her blog is positive, relate-able and uplifting. If you are not already a follower of Mary, join the conversation and get your mom sexy back! Thank You Mary for sharing you Truths about Motherhood.
10 Things I Know To Be True About Motherhood

1. Even when they come out of a pint-sized butt, farts are still farts, and they still stink. You can’t disguise a fart with a cute tush.
2. When it comes to being a mom? Karma’s a real bitch. I’m totally paying for every remark I made before having my son about parents not being able to control their children in public. I obviously didn’t know shit about kids then. And maybe I still don’t.
3. I’ve pretty much accepted the fact that I will not get a good night’s sleep for the next 15 years or so. Even on my “alone” nights, I still toss and turn wondering what kind of hell my kid is dishing out to the grandparents. But of course, he always sleeps perfect for them. It’s because they have better snacks at their house than I have here. I just know it.
4. Motherhood has made me understand 100% why people get divorced. The end.
5. As my child gets older, I start to fear homework from school more and more. Not because I’m worried that he will have too much of it, but because I’m worried that I won’t understand it. Isn’t there an Iphone app for homework help?
6. I realized one major truth about motherhood about two weeks after I brought my son home from the hospital. Apparently, I’m not running the show around here anymore. I got fired from my job as Princess the day he was born. I’ve been trying to get my position back for the last five years, but they’ve got a new hiring manager and she’s totally threatened by my ass.
7. Kids generally don’t lie about food. When my kid tells me that he doesn’t want to try something because he doesn’t like the texture, it’s best just to let it slide rather than having that particular food regurgitated all over my shirt. I hate doing laundry, so I’d rather just let him eat pretzels and call it a night.
8. I knew I loved wine before I had a kid. But now our love affair is hotter than ever. Having a kid totally sealed the deal for my affection for all things vino.
9. Even though I’m the queen of Mom Sexy, I know for a fact that I will never be as hot as I was on my wedding day. And I’m okay with that. At least I’m not hungry anymore, right?
10. Perhaps my biggest truth about motherhood is that even though being a parent is challenging and not always picture perfect, it’s made me who I am today…and I know that being my son’s mom is who I was meant to be. Even when nothing else in my life makes sense, that little boy gives me the swift kick in the ass I need to realize that things have a way of working out how they’re supposed to. Trying to mess with fate is never a good idea. And that’s the TRUTH.
2011/05/16
World Series Game 7 Go Cubs Go
Well, I never thought I’d be writing a world series post on my blog about the Chicago Cubs. But here we are and I say to hell with the curse! I’m a lifelong Chicago Cubs fan and, well, to be honest, it just never seemed plausible. The Cubbies are an underdog and when you grow up in Chicago you know that when you root for the Cubs, you are not just rooting for a baseball team, you are rooting for a way of life. You are rooting for the impossible. You are dreaming the impossible dream and that makes it endearing.
I’ve spent my life thinking “this is the year” but knowing that it probably wasn’t. I remember growing up and walking in the door every afternoon after school during the spring and the television being tuned into WGN and the Cubs playing. I remember wearing our Cubbie t-shirts and rooting for the win, even in the face of a shut out. That’s the unbreakable spirit of Cubs fans.
I remember field trips as a child to see a game at Wrigley field. I remember going with a group of friends as a teenager; eating hot dogs and laughing and then, as an adult, taking in a game with friends or that special someone. It didn’t matter who you were, your walk of life or what suburb you grew up in when you were at Wrigley Field on a warm day…we were all Cubs fans and being a part of something so huge was magical. I’m pretty sure this is how all Cubs fans feel. It’s been 108 years and it’s been too long. It’s happening!
I haven’t lived in Chicago for many years now but it’s still where I call home. It’s still where my parents live and where I spent my childhood and all of my formidable years. Chicago is home because Chicago is where my heart is and the Cubs symbolize the underdog spirit of the city I love.
It’s about more than winning a game. It’s about all the people we love or have loved that have loved the Cubs; parents, grandparents, friends and family alike who aren’t alive to see this. This is for them. This is everything. If you are a Cubs fan, you know what I’m talking about! I’m thrilled to have the memories and to be sharing this world series with my girls and the next generation of Cubs fans.
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Anyways, my chest if puffed up just a little bit because my heart is bursting with pride. We’ve got this Cubbies! Rizzo, Chapman, Bryant and all the boys… We’ve waited a lifetime and we deserve this. Let’s get that W!
This is gonna change everything. I can feel it!

Let’s Go Cubbies!!! Go Cubs Go!
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2016/11/02
The Winner of the Chicago Shakespeare Theater’s Macbeth family 4 pack Giveaway
The winner of the Chicago Shakespeare Theater family 4 pack to Macbeth is ….
comment # 2, Bertha “OMG, I LOVE Shakespeare! I have always wanted to see one of his plays and have never had the opportunity! I also am within 20 min of Chicago, so to be able to enjoy a Full day of festivities in Downtown Chicago is also something I don’t get to do very often, But would love the chance to! English was one of My Strong points in school, and Macbeth was one of My favorite plays, so please consider me when giving these tickets away! Thank You so Much!”
Congratulations and I hope that you have a wonderful time at the play. You will have a blast.Please email me at truthfulmommy@gmail.com so I can get your information to get you your tickets!For the rest of you, I hope you will still go see the production. It is always a fabulous time and stay tuned, there is usually a production every couple of months.
2011/02/19
It Hurts Like A Mother
Today, I am honored to have one of my bestest bloggy friends and a fabulously snarkilicious lady guest post, Jenni from MommyNaniBooBoo.com. She is one of my favorite people in the world, as evident here. She’s fabulous and if you are not already following her, I highly recommend that you do so…immediately. She is sharing her TRUTH about Motherhood here today and I couldn’t be more excited.
For me, from the beginning, motherhood hurt. I was literally torn in two giving birth to my son. My pubic bone was split, and I had several weeks of physical therapy before I could walk again. It never entered my mind that something like that was even possible! I knew giving birth would be painful, but seriously? Ripping in half? Isn’t that a little unnecessary? Stack that on top of bloody nipples from trying to nurse every half hour, and it was not the most peaceful of beginnings.

My son was colicky, and I suffered from post partum depression. Each day was excruciatingly painful for the first several months. I remember banging my head against the wall… to keep from passing out… to take my mind off of the incessant crying… to keep from squeezing my son too tight while I held him.
Ow.
But what they say is true- colic doesn’t last forever. And gradually I started to feel a little better. I started to realize how kick ass I must be to have endured so much. Breast feeding became a joy, and I would marvel at my slurping son in our private and tender moments. And soon I became ready for the stuff I always knew would happen- the cuteness, the squeaky giggles, the snuggles, the “mamamama”, and the first wobbly steps.
But damner damnersteins if nobody told me that would freakin hurt too!
And that it would
just
keep
coming.

A different kind of hurt, but one I wasn’t prepared for.
A hurt that boldly erases all the other superficial hurt I experienced.
My son is almost three, and I am currently in the throws of the Beautiful Hurt. The exquisite, precious, ache to the depths of your soul hurt. It’s, “I can do it by myself”. It’s the climbing and getting hurt. It’s the playing pretend. It’s the getting ready for pre-school soon. It’s all too much. I see my son grow into more of his own person with each day. And my heart is breaking and expanding at the same time. I am proud and terrified at any given moment.
It’s magnificent. And it’s breaking my bloody heart.
Because I’m realizing I won’t be able to hold him close forever.
I was prepared for the poop, the nursing, the terrible twos, the potty training. I was even halfway prepared for the exhaustion.
I was not prepared for the love so deep it makes your soul ache.
For the joy so intense it carves a river through all of your insides.
I had no idea.
It’s other worldly.
But I’m tougher than I thought.
So bring on the pain that only a mother knows.
Rip that cord a little more each day… and I’ll wait patiently until he runs back for a brief hug and kiss.
My tear ducts are developing scar tissue.
And… perhaps I’m a bit of a masochist.
Because to me…
Motherhood…
It hurts so good.
2011/05/05