The TRUTH About Motherhood

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Blackfish & Why Taking our Kids to SeaWorld Makes Us Part of the Problem
I just watched Blackfish. You can watch it here. If you haven’t seen it, you need to. It will change the way you view SeaWorld. It will change the way you view all animals in captivity. It will change the way you see the world. It will make you realize that there needs to be ethics and compassion involved when dealing with nature. This has nothing to do with SeaWorld being a fun place to take your children on vacation, or whether or not the trainers there love the Orca, I am sure they do, but it has everything to do with the morals and ethics that you want to instill in your children.
Blackfish only solidified everything I’ve believed since I was 18 and took my first ethics and animals class at college; wild animals do not belong in captivity. It is cruel and unusual and if we want to see animals go see them in the wild; in their natural habitat. We can coexist but animals are not meant to be penned in and locked up because we think we are entitled to be entertained by them on a whim. Zoos, circuses and aquariums they all make me uncomfortable.
There are people , mostly higher ups at Seaworld, who will try to say that captivity is furthering conservation and research but at what price? The Orca have no natural predators they are the top of the food chain, they only thing they need protecting from is us…the humans. We are their only threat.
Would you like to be kept in a cage for the rest of your life? We do keep people in cages, it’s called jails and it’s for punishment. Why are we punishing the animals? What have they done to deserve this treatment? They were just existing in their world when we came in and stole them from their families, frightened them, dislocated them and took them from everything they knew only to punish them for a crime they didn’t commit.
Wild animals are wild and to expect any different from them because we hold them in captivity is ignorant on our part. We are lazy. We want to see these majestic animals but only on our terms; at our convenience. We have no concern for the animals. They are not inanimate objects. They feel and in the case of the more intelligent animals, like Orca whales, elephants and Chimpanzees, they understand family, loss, love and grief. How can we in good conscience treat them like this?
We’ve all seen and heard of animals attacking. We say it was unprovoked. I say it was more of a miracle it didn’t happen earlier or more often. Just because we want to believe that we have tamed a wild animal by stealing a baby Orca, an animal that stays with it’s mother in the wild until death, from it’s mother, stealing the baby from a mother who grieves, holding it in captivity and withholding food and affection as a means of beating it into submission to making it perform for our entertainment, we do not. What we are doing, in the case of the Orca, is taking an animal that has the lifespan of a human being and habitually pissing them off and then letting them live for 30+ years holding a grudge. We are making these animals into ticking time bombs.
We are the idiots for expecting anything different. We are fools for climbing into the pools with an animal that weighs 12000 lbs and not expecting to be in a dangerous situation. I don’t blame the animal. I blame the people who put the animal in these horrible situations. Imagine being stuck in an enclosure the size of your bathtub for the rest of your life, with a bunch of strangers who don’t like you and depending on others to feed you when all you really want is to be with your own family, in your natural habitat swimming all day and eating at your own leisure. That’s enough to make anyone psychotic.
We’re not saving them from anything. We are creating monsters out of animals who would otherwise peacefully coexist with us. We are punishing them by keeping them in captivity for our entertainment. Don’t support captivity.
If we stop going to these places, they will have no reason to keep these animals in captivity. By going, we are all part of the problem. If you want to see Orca whales go to the ocean and see them in their natural habitat, where they are free and happy. I don’t want to teach my children that it’s okay to support another creatures misery nor do I want them to think it is right or acceptable to play with wild animals. Do you?
2013/10/29
.5 You Never stood a Chance
. 5 ~ To be or not to be, that is the question. Tonight, though I obviously have 107,000 things that I ought to be doing, I have baby on the brain. I think it was the combo of visiting my friend and her new puppy ( get your panties out of the bunch), I am not comparing your little miracles to tiny hairy beasts and all this talk recently of whose pregnant and whose not. Anyways, apparently , I am in that stage of Motherhood where I have 2 perfect daughters and I am undecided about a third
OK, lets’ be honest, brutally honest. Let’s just rip it off like a band aid and put it out there.After all, you girls are my friends and you’re not telling anyone, right? I am in my mid thirties, two kids feel like 10, I am always tired. In fact, there has not been a day in the past 5 years, that I have been not tired.
.5 , Should we or Shouldn’t we?
I am finally doing something proactive about getting back into shape and shedding these pounds that I put on with marriage. Oh yeah, you know what I’m talking about. People blame it on the babies but really, babies like the weight are just a symptom of our happiness. Us women, at least me, I spent years trying to get in shape and look good for my man, whomever he was at the time. And I’m no half asser, I got a full on eating disorder and everything (another blog entirely) but my point is that women go to extremes to look good.
Then we get married, we get happy, we loosen the get ready ritual, and next thing you know the pants are a little snugger. Then we get pregnant,and the poor baby gets the blame. No, its not the baby its all that cuddling and canoodling instead of dancing in clubs,its all the fancy rich restaurant dates, its being comfortable in your own skin because you are unconditionally loved.What a sad state it is that we have to be threatened with the possibility of being an unloved cat woman to get our asses to the gym. Anyways, I digress.
My point is I have finally figured this out and am actually working out and getting back in shape. Do I really want to set the reset button? On my body..here comes the weight, there’s no escaping it with pregnancy. There is 4 more years I have to stay out of the real world, that’s more years of no sleep, walking around with spit up on me, someone at my knees calling incessantly.”Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,mommy……..”
The Illusive .5
It’s all that and more that makes me want to take my “aw, baby” Debi..who appears in moments of insanity and hit her over the head with a skillet. Sure, babies are cute, and they smell good, they have that delightful apple breath, they do somehow complete me:), and they are so helpless and beautiful and I won’t lie, I would adore being the Mommy of a baby boy. But lets be real, the Dr assures me that the chances of me having another girl are 75 % on the 3rd child, but promises me that I would have a boy on the fourth. Is he insane?
Do I look like I could handle 4 kids? Do I look like my IQ is below 70?? Are there actually any clothes left in my wardrobe that have not yet been spat, puked, pooped, and/or peed on? Come on My mom had 6 children, and I love that woman. But I am convinced of two facts 1) that all 6 were not intentional (whoops) and 2) that she must have been just the tiniest bit crazy to start with. Furthermore, if she wasn’t before she had us, she surely has been made so over the years, courtesy of us.
So, when my friends are having there 2ND babies and bring over these brand new shiny objects, I am attracted to the challenge.I hate the feeling of losing my babies as they evolve into toddlers, and then preschoolers. I miss that adorable way they run to your arms and you can see that you are there everything. I do. I feed off of that shit. But then I remember, 1 am, 3am, and 5 am feedings, I remember not being able to pee or shower by myself. I remember the crazy smelling ability that I had during my pregnancies and the poor smelly kid that I taught and how every day for 3 months he made me vomit..just a little. I remember feeling so enormous that I felt that I warranted my own solar system, and I especially remember going through my entire transition labor without an epidural!
Then I think, Yeah..maybe, for me today, I’ll take my 2 perfect kids and not be greedy.2.5 is overrated anyway.LOL, I always wondered how they said 2.5 kids,I mean how can you measure kids in a half? Now, in my great wisdom, I realize that 2.5 means Mommy has 2 and wants 3, Daddy says his vote’s for the vasectomy, and the .5 is the middle.
.5 You Never stood a chance.
2010/01/20
Be a Better Parent Challenge – Day 29 – Read and Learn
I am super duper sick today! I mean like cold sweats, runny nose, sore throat, ball of mush , I keep losing my balance and getting dizzy. I need to just lie here and veg out. So, I am sharing Kristen @ Motherhood Uncensored’s post verbatim on today’s challenge.I will hopefully be back to myself or more in the range tomorrow but I didn’t want you to miss out on today’s challenge. OK,Never mind I couldn’t do it. I have loyalty to you people Have mercy on me, if it sounds ridiculous..its because I am ridiculously ill.
Today’s Challenge #29: Read and Learn is quite simple. Find parenting books and read them.
Alright, so maybe finding the time to do that is not as simple as it sounds. I have had Eat, Pray ,Love all summer long and have only gotten 30 pages in. I have had Woman, God, 7 Food on my coffee table and have yet to crack it.I even made a failed attempt at reading and finishing 1-2-3 Magic, but I never got around to finishing..that explains some things!
Since I had the bug guy has been traveling a lot this year, I have not really had the opportunity to read much at all. My intentions are good and I am quite the bibliophile but when I have 2 kids who need everything from me at all times, it’s not easy to make a case for reading and ignoring them.Luckily, they have started going to bed really early since school started ( 6 ish) but I am trying to maintain my blog and I actually work online int he evenings so there’s that. One hand I have a ob that pays money, on the other I have my blog that is my passion and then there’s reading…obviously reading gets pushed to the back burner. Yes, I read books to my kids and I read the parenting books but that leaves no time for leisure reading unless I decide to forgo sleep, oh wait, I already gave that up fro blogging!
So, may resort to leaving books that I want to read in the bathroom.Though it kinda grosses me out to think about that. But as a last resort, you never know. I may actually get to finish Eat, Pray, Love.
Fortunately, most of the parenting books I’ve read I can skim, or at least read as a reference book, so I actually do get to glean information from them without reading the entire thing. Also, you can get a bunch of these as audio books or on your fancy readers, which might make it easier for you to digest them more quickly.
Here are some of Kristen’s favorites (these are all Amazon affiliate links, by the way):
1-2-3 Magic (great discipline book)
Protecting the Gift (how to keep your kids safe)
Parenting Beyond Belief (for those of you who practice secular [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][non-religious] parenting)
Raising Freethinkers (the sequel to PBB)
Tell me your favorite parenting books! [/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]
2010/08/29
Help! I Spoiled my Children
Okay, it’s about time I admit something to you guys; something I am deeply embarrassed about and have been in denial about for some time…my children are spoiled. Hi, my name is Debi and my children are more spoiled than expired milk left in a Sippy cup in your minivan for 2 years. (more…)
2013/06/24
Motherhood’s a Bitch
Sometimes, I’m not going to lie, I want to quit this shitty job. Being a mom sucks hard… but then it doesn’t. There are other moments when it’s so amazing that I just want to smother mother the shit out of my kids as my helicopter parenting skills buzz above us because they are so freaking, heartbreakingly awesome. We’ve all been here, both here’s, right? But then there are other moments when I miss the hell out of Debi BC (before children), you know, that glorious broad who got to sleep in until she just woke up, roll out of bed and went to lunch with friends and got to eat actual hot food, pee alone and not worry about keeping anyone alive but herself? Oh that lucky lady. I’m so jealous of who I used to be, but then I couldn’t be who I am, the mother to two of the most amazing human beings I’ve ever known. Most days anyways.
When you have kids, your life doesn’t just change, your perspective on everything changes. You are living life looking at everything through mom goggles. That is where I am now and it’s where I’ll always be. Things that didn’t seem to register before (what school district I lived in) are now big deals, and things that were really important to me (having a night life with friends and being in the know) are so unimportant to me now that I could care less what’s cool and what’s not. I just want a good world for my children.
I want to raise good children and I want to be the best mother that I can be. You might be better or worse at being a mother but I’m trying my damnest not to measure myself against you because the truth is if we all measure ourselves against each other life is shit for all of us, especially our kids. I don’t want to make myself feel like a better mother by shaming another mother, I’d prefer to just do my own best to be a good mother in my children’s eyes.
I just had the pleasure of screening the movie Tallulah written by Sian Heder and all I can say is WOW!
No matter what kind of mom you are, aspire to be or thought you would be, you can relate. And better than that, you can get a little perspective by living a moment from the viewpoint of someone else’s shoes, while knowing a little about how they got that perspective in the first place. Honestly, there were three main characters; Margo, Tallulah and Carolyn; and I could identify with each one of them. I have been all three of them. I’m not sure what that says about me, but I found myself wanting to hug and shake and then hug again each woman.
Tallulah is the story of three very different women whose lives intersect through the impulsive and well-intentioned kidnapping of a child. It’s a story about motherhood, about looking for a mother and becoming a mother. But mostly it’s a story about humanity, about the blurry lines of morality and deeply flawed human behavior. It’s a story that has no clear answer or cut and dry solution, but instead makes you care about each and every person involved, no matter how wrong their actions seemed. It’s a conversation about responsibility.
Tallulah is a movie that lives on the fringe of judgment, that feeling that not all women are meant to be mothers. As a mother, we all have times when we feel like we are flailing and failing. But that doesn’t make us a villain or a bad mom. Tallulah doesn’t have good people and bad people. There were only people doing their best with the limited emotional tools that they had and often making bad choices. Lonely people. People whose families had failed them; who were looking for some kind of connection in an increasingly disconnected world.
Tallulah is about motherhood from different perspectives because no two mothers are alike, just as no two children are alike. We are all just trying to do our best. There is no time for shaming one another. We need to take that energy and direct it towards helping one another do our best for our children, not judging and condemning one another.
Motherhood is hard enough as it is without us judging one another. For better perspective, check out Tallulah.
2016/07/29
This Blogger’s Life Ree Drummond (The Pioneer Woman)
Today’s guest on This Blogger’s Life, Ree Drummond, is one of the kindest and sweetest bloggers that I know. Ree aka The Pioneer Woman is everyone’s favorite foodie mom. She does it all. I’ve “known” Ree for a few years now but we only just met in person in 2013 and boy, was it a memorable experience.
In case you were wondering, yes, she is even nicer in person than you could imagine. But don’t be fooled by the gorgeous smile and the cute photos of dogs and cows, Ree’s not just another pretty face. She is a smart, powerful businesswoman who works her tail off to do it all. I don’t know how she does it.
Ree Drummond has been someone that I have respected in the blogging space for some time.
She has truly built an empire doing something she loves; documenting life with her children and husband while writing about and photographing the things she is passionate about. Isn’t that the dream? I know it’s mine; to do what I love and make a living while getting to spend time actually in the moment with my family. Go, Ree! Not to mention, while she is writing books, filming for her cooking show, raising children on a ranch, homeschooling and cooking all of that mouthwatering food she still makes the time for her friends…like filling out these interview questions from me right in the middle of taping a new season of The Pioneer Woman. I appreciate it, Ree. You are good people.

Anyways, I could go on all day saying nice things about Ree. The bottom line is that she is a sweet, generous, charismatic mama who puts her foot in some Dr. Pepper barbecue. I’m honored to call her my friend and it’s my privilege to have her on This Blogger’s Life today.
This Blogger’s Life…Ree Drummond
Why did you start blogging?
I started blogging on a whim one day when my husband took all four of our kids to work cattle with him. I had no plan, no sense that it would last longer than a week. I just sat down, set up a free blog, and posted a couple of photos and stories.

What’s one piece of advice that you would give to a new blogger?
Blog! Blog often. Blog daily if you can. It’s difficult to get comfortable with blogging if you write one or two blog posts a week. When I started blogging, I fell in love instantly and blogged daily for a few months—even on the weekends. It made me a better writer, and made blogging easier and easier.

What are the three words that describe you best?
Happy, Messy, and Weird.

What is your favorite website?
Impossible for me to choose!
What is your favorite thing to do when you’re not blogging?
My favorite thing to do when I have a little free time is just plop down on the couch and watch Real Housewives or old episodes or 24 or, as is the case right now, the NBA Playoffs. TV time in the evenings is what my husband and I do together. It sounds spectacularly boring, but it’s my favorite time of day. It’s when I recharge.
What’s the most important thing you’ve learned about yourself from blogging?
I’ve learned that if I’m passionate about something, I’m much more creative, motivated, and efficient. I have loved blogging from the start, and since I blog about things I love—my family, the country, our dogs, the food I cook—I never get tired of it. That’s one of my biggest pieces of advice to anyone starting a new project of any kind: Make sure your passion shines through. It will show.
How do you balance life and blogging?
It’s a continual balance. When I started blogging, my kids were all little. Now I have two teenagers, and one is about to be a senior in high school. When they were younger, I was able to be more rigid and predictable with my blogging schedule. These days, I’ve loosened up a bit because life demands flexibility. While I still blog regularly, I’m not afraid to skip a couple of days here and there if the kids and I are busy. You have to have a little give.
How has blogging changed you or your life?
Blogging has certainly opened doors for me. I wouldn’t have cookbooks or a TV show if I hadn’t started blogging. It’s all the blog’s fault! 🙂
What do you think makes a successful blog? A great blog? Are they one in the same?
I think a successful blog is one that compels readers to return. One that becomes part of people’s daily reading schedules. That’s why I’ve always recommended that new bloggers commit to blogging regularly—daily, if possible. You won’t become a part of someone’s daily routine if you just blog a couple of times a week. When I first started blogging, I had lived in the country for ten years and must have had a lot to say, because I was prolific in my posting. Months later, after my readership had grown organically, people who visited my site started telling me that reading my site had become part of their day, like their morning cup of coffee. I realized that wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t blogged as regularly as I had.
If you were to stop blogging today, what would you do with the rest of your life?
Exercise more and learn to embroider.
How do you balance telling your story, without telling the story of others in your life?
For me, it’s always been easy to strike that balance. I do blog about the people I love, but I don’t share their personal stories because they aren’t mine to share. I stick to our interactions together, fun anecdotes, and things about them that I appreciate and love.
Blogging has changed a lot, just since I started 5 years ago, what do you miss about blogging in the early days? What do you love that has changed?
I love that the blogging community has grown and is so strong today, so I like where blogging is now. If I had to say something I miss from my early days of blogging, it would be that my waist was much smaller. 🙂
How do you consistently come up with relevant and shareable content?
Again, I think if you remain passionate about your subject matter—in my case, family, home, food, etc.—you’ll never run out of things to share. And if your passion comes through, people will be drawn to read it. Also, I do try to change up my content so that it isn’t the same every day; I never want someone to come to my website and be bored!
If you could have a dinner party for 6 people, living or dead, who would you invite?
Al Pacino in 1972, Vivien Leigh in 1939, Russell Crowe, Meryl Streep, Mother Teresa, and my grandmother.
What’s the one thing that people would be surprised to learn about you?
I can put both my ankles behind my head.
What’s the one post that you are most proud of?
This sounds like an easy answer, but I would say whatever post I’ve written that day. Because my household is so busy and I’ve got different irons in the fire, if I am able to sit down and see a post through to the end, I feel like I’ve accomplished something.
If you’d like to find out more about Ree Drummond ( The Pioneer Woman) you can check her out on her blog, twitter and my favorite Pinterest. If you want to learn about other great bloggers like Jill Smokler ( the Original Scary Mommy) , Jessica Gottlieb, Vera Sweeney and many more, please be sure to check out the rest of the interviews in the This Blogger’s Life series.
Thank you, Ree Drummond, for being my guest today. Can’t wait to see you again in person, this time I promise not to body check you in the process. XOXO

2014/05/23
How to Talk to Your Tween about Sex
Have you been struggling with how to talk to your tween about sex? Me, too. At what age did you have “the talk”? I mean we’ve talked about puberty. In fact, we’ve talked puberty to death. It’s old news. They both know so much about the inner workings of the female reproductive system that they could probably teach a class. But we’ve not quite made the leap to …you put the penis in the vagina and do that thang. I’ve been mulling this idea over for years, waiting for the right moment. I just haven’t been ready to see the innocence disappear from her eyes.
I told my tween that she and I would have “the talk” before she turns 12. In a culture where Teen Mom is a show that makes celebrities, I want my daughter to know babies are a lot or work and where those babies come from. She wants nothing to do with that conversation. Boys are not even on her radar yet. She is still pretty happy with unicorns, slumber parties and playing with dolls but I don’t want her getting misinformation about sex from other kids. I promised myself I’d talk to my tween about sex before she was 12 and now, I have less than a month, people.
Fool that I am, I made plans. The universe laughed at me and then life intervened. Now, I’m binge-reading all the articles on how to talk to your tween about sex because a teachable moment has arisen. No, before any of you have a stroke, it has nothing to do with her and sex. It’s more of a collateral damage situation.
But how to talk to your tween about sex is not an easy thing to figure out. It has to be the perfect balance of honesty, openness and availability.
The conversation has to be had with every child and no nervous giggling or embarrassment is allowed on the parents part. We have to be a source of information and comfort. They have to believe we know what we’re talking about and not be afraid to ask questions.
Last Tuesday was Valentine’s Day, I’m sure you know where this is going, and let’s just say the Big Guy and I were feeling particularly amorous. Him and all his damn romantic gestures. Anyways, apparently, we actually made some noise. We usually use our inside voices because, you know, KIDS! (TMI, I’m sorry.)
My 11-year-old had the misfortune of getting up to pee at the wrong time and now, we all need therapy. It’s all giving me flashbacks to the time when she was a toddler and she caught us “wrestling”. If these kids would JUST STAY IN THEIR BEDS. (Sidebar, just say no to co-sleeping this is what got us to where we are today. I jest, sorta.)
The thing is the tween is very mature in many ways but very immature in other ways. She’s at that age where she’s beginning to look like a young woman but her brain is not quite there yet. She’s caught somewhere between working her eye roll and still coming in for snuggles and mama cuddles on the regular.
Either way, you’ve got to figure out how to talk to your tween about sex sooner or later.
Anyways, to be clear, I was not howling at the moon or anything like that but when you are a kid and you hear anything coming from your parents’ bedroom other than snoring, you are instantly disgusted. We had no idea any of this took place until the following morning. We thought they were asleep.
All I know was that she got up on Wednesday morning particularly annoyed for no particular reason, as far as I was aware. I just took it for regular tween behavior. Honestly, one minute she’s being all tweeny and the next she is playing American Girl dolls with her little sister. I can’t keep up. She is a fantastic kid. She’s just a bit moody these days. I get it. I’ve been there. I am sympathetic.
But after school, I asked her point blank how her day was. Her answer was,
“It would have been fine if I had gotten more than 3 hours of sleep last night!”
I volleyed back with my standard,
“Well if you went to sleep at your bedtime instead of staying up messing around on your tablet or playing Barbies, you wouldn’t be so exhausted and grouchy.”
Big mistake.
To which she responded,
“No, mom I only got 3-hours of sleep because of you and dad!”
And with that, her lip curled and I could see the disgust. Suddenly, I felt like I was in that commercial back in the 70’s where the kid does the really shitty behavior, I think it was drugs or something, and says, “I learned it from you, dad!” It was that bam! You are to blame.
My next question, the one I wish I had never asked, “What is that supposed to mean? How is this our fault?” I was a little annoyed because I am not, in fact, to blame for everything.
The answer I didn’t want to hear,
“Well, I had to pee and when I got up I heard your “weird noises” coming from the bedroom AND my sleep pillow and FIFI were held hostage in there! How am I supposed to sleep without them and after hearing THAT!!!!!”
There it was. Firstly, I was a little embarrassed that she heard anything so I did what any sane mom would do, I told her that it was her dad. My second thought was, “Oh no, we traumatized her!” I finally did it. I irrevocably damaged my kid. I have to start saving for the therapy.
Then, I thought to myself, this “tween” who pushes me and pulls me back so much on a daily basis that I don’t know if I’m coming or going had purposely left her snuggle pillow and lovey in my room so that she could sneak in there in the middle of the night to sleep. Oh yeah, she still does that occasionally. I’m not complaining but she does bear some responsibility in all of this.I’m not going to lie. I was pretty embarrassed. I don’t get embarrassed but we were both red in the face. Then I sucked it up and said,
“Hey, I know it was uncomfortable to hear whatever you heard but we’re married and we love each other. This is what people who are married and in love do to share physical intimacy. It’s completely natural!”
Then I decided to add, “Besides, isn’t it better to hear “that” than your father and I screaming how much we hate each other behind those doors?”
To which she agreed. Then she looked at her little sister, her voice went down near a whisper and she said,
“But I didn’t want to hear you DOING.IT!”
Then, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
My response, “Firstly, we never saying “doing it” ever again. It’s called “making love.””
Because hearing my 11-year-old say “doing it” in reference to her father and I, skeeved me out. Of course, hearing myself say, “making love” out loud was nearly as creepy. So we decided to just agree that when the bedroom door is shut, we’re probably together not sleeping. I told her if it really bothered her, I could buy her ear plugs. She was mortified but swiftly answered,
“Yes, please!”
Boundaries were set.
If the bedroom door is shut, stay out. I considered getting one of those old license plates that said, “If the bedroom’s a rockin, don’t bother knockin” and hanging it on our door but I thought it was probably still too soon for that joke.
We still have to have “the talk” but I’m pretty sure she knows what’s going on. I also feel like I need to add a disclaimer to our talk that when she has sex for the first time, what she heard will probably not be what will be happening because, you know, teenage boys are bumbling idiots.
But what am I going to do, tell her to sleep with older men if she wants it to be worth her time? Nope, I’ll just let her suffer through crappy first-time sex like the rest of us besides, after all that eye rolling shade she’s been throwing my way lately, an awkward first time when she’s at college is just what the doctor ordered. Shhh, don’t tell me otherwise. College is my story and I’m sticking to it.
Anyways, I’ve still got to have this talk but now, it feels super weird because I feel like she’s going to relate the entire thing to her father and me. And EWWWW!
What would you do? What’s your best advice on how to talk to your tween about sex?
2017/02/20
How to Teach Your Teen the Difference Between Love, Like and Infatuation
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to explain sex to my girls but what about how to know the difference between love, like and infatuation? It’s actually a very important discussion to have with your kids but how many parents actually have it? I’ve decided that honesty is the best thing to do. I want open dialogues with them about everything.
How many times have you been in love? Like really in love. I thought I was “in love” about 3 times before I actually was. You see, the problem was that I didn’t know what real love was so I kept thinking I was in love but really it was a crush, infatuation, and love but not true, unconditional, forever love. But each time it felt like “love” until I pulled my head out of the love fog and could see it for what it really was.
There was lots of casual dating but each “love” was necessary for the learning curve. If I hadn’t experienced each time I thought I was “in love” I wouldn’t have had any barometer by which to measure when the real thing happened.
Don’t get me wrong, they all had their purpose and I wouldn’t trade any of the experience. Our experiences make us into who we are and if it weren’t for all of those false love alarms, I never would have known when I stumbled backwards into a really good guy and a healthy relationship.
What is the Difference between Love, Like and Infatuation?
Remember when you were in high school, maybe even college, and you fell in love and it was all consuming and insatiable? It was all you could think about and all you cared about. Anytime day or night, all you wanted was to be with that other person. You would have crawled inside of that person and lived if it were possible. Making love was truly an other worldly experience. You could not satisfy your craving for that person.
Remember those days when you were so in love that it hurt your stomach? When seeing that person was the most important part of your day? Remember thinking to yourself, or maybe even saying it out loud, I would die for you? And you meant it. If someone walked into the room and it came down to you and him, you would surely jump in front of that bullet because you loved him so hard that if he died life wouldn’t be worth living any ways, so why not sacrifice your life for his?
Were we stupid? Or was our baby brains just too consumed and overwhelmed by feeling love for someone other than our parents and complicated by all of those hormones that we just couldn’t process it? We knew our parents loved us and they would take a bullet for us so isn’t it logical that we take a bullet for the person who we love beyond all reason and comprehension? I used to think so.
I was one of “those” girls. I loved being in love. I loved loving someone and I loved the thought of someone loving me. Someone wanting me. Wanting to possess me. Someone not being able to live without me. It thrilled me. I believed that was the measure of true love. Someone willing to die for me. Anything less was bullshit. But as most teenagers, I was delusional. I saw undying devotion in the simplest of tasks. He pulled the chair out for me and cupped my face when he kissed me. He must love me. He surprised me with a single rose and my favorite candy at the drive-in, this must be “IT”. Wow, it’s easy to believe bullshit when you’ve never had the real thing, isn’t it?
Anyways, that passion was electric. It was the kind of “love” that had you feeling manic all the time. Coming from an actual person diagnosed with bipolar, that is saying something. I lived in that high to the exclusion of all else. Nothing else mattered and that was the measure of “real love” to me, for a very long time. I thought if it wasn’t all consuming and in crisis and threatened, it couldn’t be the real thing because the real thing was messy and it f*cked you both up beyond all recognition because that passion fire burns hot and high and hard, all.the.time. What I didn’t realize it that it burns out and leaves you both in a pile of ashes. If it was really intense, it could almost kill you both. But, adult me realizes that is crazy. I don’t want love that kills me. That’s poison.
I learned to live on that high. I craved it as much as I craved love. Then I fell in real love and I realized what I was doing up until then, was accepting what I had been taught to believe was love from the dysfunctional example of my parents and from movies. I believed that for it to be “love” it had to be “go hard or go home” at all times because love is work and if you love someone, you have to be willing to love them so hard that it might kill them and you have to be willing to die for them. I was a child and when you are a child, the world works in absolutes but as I grew up, I realized that real love doesn’t live in absolutes. It thrives in the grey area.
How important is it to distinguish the difference between love, like and infatuation?
For me, it wasn’t about dying for someone or killing for them. It was about being willing to live for them. Not in the “everything I do is for you” way like in all of those sappy love songs that we swoon over when we are kids. I mean in the “I love you so much that I want as many days on this earth as I can get with you” way. As a mother, it’s important to tell your precious daughters about dating guys so they can have a wonderful relationship.
In the way that makes the stupid things you’re doing fall away and life get clear. When I met my husband, I was a hot mess, in every sense of the word. I wasn’t even living my own life. I was living other people’s expectations and I was basing my happiness on someone else. Then I met the Big Guy. He put me first (maybe for the first time I had ever been first in my life) and my thinking shifted. I no longer had to be on the defensive. I didn’t have to be the aggressor. I just had to be me.
Suddenly, I didn’t want to throw up every morsel of food that went into my mouth. I wanted to live and my 10-year slow suicide by anorexia plan wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to live and I didn’t want him to know just how dysfunctional I really was. So, I started working towards getting better. I got help.
He saw the messed up ugly side of me almost immediately. I was an undiagnosed manic bipolar, anorexic with body dysmorphia and a self-medicating drinking problem. I was fun, then I was raging, mean and completely irrational. It was pretty hard to hide from anyone who was paying attention.
I had developed a bad habit of pushing anyone who wanted to get close to me away. I had long passed the wanting to crawl inside of someone phase. I was selfish and borderline and convinced that I was unlovable because up to that point, I had done everything right and none of it ever worked. I never passed quality control. I gave up and resigned myself to being detached. I basked in the position of being wanted, even if it was all surface.
Then the Big Guy came along and while his initial intention was to purely to hook up. We ended up talking all night after a couple ghosting friends left me stranded at a party at his house. Somewhere between our first disinterested meeting and that next morning, we connected on a cellular level without even trying. In that moment, we became each other’s person.
It wasn’t love at first sight. I don’t even think we were each other’s types. We would have never even have met one another other than a new friend I had met in my LSAT class who happened to grow up with this tall, gangly alt guy with black fingernails and a heart only rivaled by the size of his smile. It took a couple more weeks before we worked out the kinks. Falling head over heels doesn’t feel like what you expect it to. It sort of sneaks up on you and you suddenly realize that this person gives you hope and loves you unconditionally, through the ugly and the hard and the messy and the complicated and they never think of leaving because it’s not an option that even enters their mind or yours. You realize that you can’t imagine a life that doesn’t include seeing this person’s face every morning. , kissing them before bed each night, seeing them in the faces of your children. That is love. It’s a light that never goes out because you don’t let it. You both work at it. You keep it alive, even when it’s sick and sad. You love it back to life.
You realize that you can’t imagine a life that doesn’t include seeing this person’s face every morning, kissing them before bed each night, seeing them in the faces of your children. That is love. It’s a light that never goes out because you don’t let it. You both work at it. You keep it alive, even when it’s sick and sad. You love it back to life.
Maybe real true love isn’t what they write about in the story books or songs. Maybe it is sometimes. I want my girls to know that love can look like a million different things. What’s important is how it makes you feel when you’re with that person. It isn’t big and bold, though sometimes it is, it’s also quiet and steady and safe. It’s feeling happy just being still and not needing an escape plan or contingency plan. It’s not about being willing to die for someone, it’s being willing to work your ass off to live as long as humanly possible to share every day with your best friend.
The person you love as much as you love yourself. The person who gave you the children who you would take the bullet for because it’s the legacy of your love; the thing the 2 of you created. Real love is the kind that makes you want to risk everything to make the world better than you left it because it’s what he deserves. That’s love.
The real difference between love, like and infatuation is that when you find real love…that person can satisfy all of those things; love, like and lust.
How will you teach your kids to know the difference between love, like and infatuation?
2017/08/17
Melissa Chapman~The TRUTH about Motherhood
Today, I am truly honored to have the lovely and witty Melissa of Married my Sugar Daddy. She writes with humor and honesty that make me keep coming back for more. If you have not had the pleasure of reading /knowing Melissa (@Madijack) , I certainly recommend that you get to know her. She is snarky and funny and 21 flavors of entertaining. I love reading her blog, I always come away feeling like I’ve been catching up with an old friend. She has made me laugh,cry and think…sometimes in the same post. Thank you so much Melissa for sharing your truth with so much going on right now. XOXO

The TRUTH about Motherhood
I really believed when I was smack in the trenches of arguing with my husband about not wanting him to buy the no-frills diapers-, since my kids ALWAYS leaked through them- that once the stage of them being completely dependent on me for their basic needs was done- I’d be in the homestretch.
I thought those early years- getting up at the crack of 2am to heat up a bottle (which I only realized after my second baby- was as simple as popping a cup of water into the microwave as opposed to boiling hot water over an open flame for 20 minutes) was the grueling part of motherhood. But the thing is- during all those early years- motherhood’s challenges are primarily physical. They test your endurance, school you on how to be a muti-tasker and at times make you feel like you are operating on auto-pilot. But your kids-unless they’re dragging around a soiled diaper- are for the most part, happy, smiling little babes, who let you dress them up and create your very own mirror image in them.
Then they grow up- and of course, no one tells you that the real meat and work begins then. As my kids have gotten older, the questions- that seemingly come out of nowhere have begun to permeate our every conversation at this breakneck pace- and my inability to keep up and juggle all their feelings, thoughts, self-esteem issues, confidence and little egos feels like a balancing act that is simply impossible.
I often feel ill-equipped to be the source for all these pressing concerns- like; who the hell am I to answer all these questions, assuage their fears and am I enough to be able to raise these two individuals and arm them with everything they’ll ever need to become independent enough to feel okay on their own. And I know I’m not alone in these thoughts, in my insecurities about motherhood. But honestly I just wish there was a manual that would fool-proof every impulse I have and make sure it was the correct one. The truth about motherhood is that no one tells you what an awesome responsibility this motherhood thing is- and that there are no guarantees it will all end up the way you want it to.
2011/05/25
Random acts of kindness
I’ve been mulling over something that I really want to instill in my children…random acts of kindness. I used to be one of those people who saw the bumper stickers and thought to myself, that’s great but..whatever. I mean really, who has times to run around randomly being kind to one another? And if you do, what do you get out of it? Unappreciative ignorance? That was me, a year ago, sarcastic, jaded, unappreciative me. Today, I am a believer in random acts of kindness.I’m more than a believer , I am a proponent:)
In the past year, my life has changed quite a bit. I have had to put my life in the hands of others and quite literally, be dependent on the kindness of strangers because I had no choice. I was new in town, I was friendless, I was completely out of my element, and what felt like a million miles from everything and everyone I knew. It all started with a Mommy, just like any one of you, who did not know me. We were in a MOPS group I joined. We were talking, first day chit chat, and she knew I was new to town. Asking how I was getting along in a new place, if I’d joined any other activities, etc. In passing, I mentioned that I wanted to join the local Stroller Striders but ,unfortunately, had left my stroller in my house ( we were transitioning, corporate housing and all that). This woman, this complete stranger, offered me one of her strollers. I was floored.What? Was this really happening? Was someone being generous and kind for no obvious reason other than to be a good human being and help a fellow human being out? What? What? What? That evening, that very same evening, she brought me a gently loved Nordic jogging stroller.I was amazed.
Then I met another friend,one of the most amazing women , I have ever met in my life. The kind of woman who at first glance you may think, who is this broad? Seriously, she was so “sweet” I kept thinking, is she crazy or is she for real. I had never met anyone like her, and am pretty sure I never will again. She met me, she put 100%into the friendship, and was a walking ball of random acts of kindness. One day I was feeling under the weather, and for no other reason than the fact that she is an amazing human being, she brought over lunch for my kids. Then dinner for my family that night. My kids were sick, she brought them treats and coloring activities. Random brownies would appear. OH, how we miss those brownies:)LOL These may not sound like big gestures but they were constant, timely, and randomly the kindest thing anyone could do..when I needed them most and expected it the least. This was just a very small amount of what she did for us, what she still does for me. Her kindness parlayed into an amazing sisterhood between the two of us. Because of her random acts of kindness, I now have one of the best friends I could have ever asked for. Her random acts of kindness have inspired me to want to be a better person, and that has to mean something.
Then there was yesterday, my daughter’s preschool teacher (which my daughter no longer attends due to our recent relocation) called us and had the entire class sing Happy Birthday to my 5 year old over her cell phone.This random act of kindness may sound like a very small gesture but to my 5 year old, who has just had to leave all of her amazing friends, school, routine and relocate this meant the world. The joy that gesture made, the effect that simple act of kindness that her teacher , another amazing woman by my standards, had on my daughter.That is something that I can never repay because it is priceless.
These are just a few of the random acts of kindness that I have experienced in the past year; there’s been chocolate for no reason at all, when I’ve needed it most. A hug when I’ve been sad, smiles when I’ve needed a little sunshine,girl talk and martini’s when I needed a breath, shopping and talking..its all about timing. Someone sitting a little longer with me at a gathering because I arrived late, someone giving me tickets to a concert for my kids that I couldn’t have gotten otherwise, there are so many random acts of kindness that I have been the recipient of that there are too many to mention. But if you know me, chances are you have perpetrated a random act of kindness in my direction. Thanks for making me a better person. Random acts of kindness are so special because they are selfless and sometimes someone’s small random act of kindness can mean the world to someone who really needs that kindness and love in their life at that moment. Kindness can never hurt , it can only help! So be amazing, save a life; BE KIND!
2010/03/11