The TRUTH About Motherhood

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Money Isn’t Happiness, Family Is
As part of a compensated collaboration with Sears and Latina Bloggers Connect I have been asked to share my thoughts and opinions on this video with you.
When I saw the above video, I teared up because who doesn’t want to do something to repay their parents for all that they’ve done for us growing up? And what’s not to love about giving back? When I was a child my mother always told us that it was better to give than to receive and I always thought she was just telling me something to make not getting something seem more palatable but she was on to something.
We grew up blue collar so there wasn’t a lot of “fun”money. There were no private schools, ballet classes or instruments being learned. My children have these things because I didn’t. So I worked doubly hard to give them these opportunities. Just like my parents worked so that I could have more than they did. They sacrificed everything for us. I went to college and grad school because that’s what my parents wanted for me. They both only graduated high school.
There were 6 children. My mom stayed home. My parents never got to do anything for themselves, it was always about providing for us, even if they had to go without and I guess it rubbed off on me. Don’t worry, I’m not missing meals or denying myself the simple pleasures like the occasional conference trip, but my parents did for us. As a grown up, I wanted to repay my parents for all that they had given us. I know, it’s impossible to repay a debt to someone who has given you life but I didn’t want them to have to go without, not ever again. So, I get where the girl in this video was coming from. One of the first thing I did when I had the money was buy my parents their wedding bands because they got married young and had children almost immediately, there was never any extra money for something like jewelry. I know it’s just a trinket but it was a big deal to them because it was something they had denied themselves.
Sears has produced a video series called More To You featuring surprises with real people, based on real tweets from people who want to give more to the ones they love.
In the video above, Sears visited Jasmine, a young woman who wanted to do something special for her hard working father. Little did Jasmine know that he had a surprise for her as well.
Want Sears to give more to you like they did for Jasmine and her dad? Tweet @Sears with #MasDeLoTuyo and Sears just might give more to you or allow you to give back to those who matter the most to you.
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2014/09/17
What Dreams May Come
When you have a baby, you instantly have dreams for them, before they are ever born. It’s all part of loving them unconditionally. We want them to have, be and do everything they could ever dream of. We dream of a “perfect” life for them, one in which they enjoy all the good that the world has to offer. We dream of our children having lives filled with happiness, health, marriage, career success and 2.5 children. We have dreams of six figure salaries and big houses in gated communities. We dream of our children never having to want for anything and never feeling any of the world’s pain and hurt. In short, our dreams are big and beautiful but not very realistic.

I decided early on, after actually having children, that I couldn’t control what my daughters’ dreams were going to be. Their dreams are their dreams, not mine. The dreams I have, are my dreams for them and the two may not be anything alike and that is all right. I’ve streamlined my dreams for them, all I really want for my children are health and happiness; whatever their happiness may look like, I want them to have that. If there were room, I’d love for them to get to pursue their passions.

From the moment I found out that I was pregnant with little girls, my brain was flooded with pink, taffeta, tulle and hair bows as big as Gerbera daisies, ballet and all things girly. My head was swimming with all the possibilities to share with my girls; all the likes and dislikes. Like most parents, my children were, in a way, an opportunity to give them all that I never had and always wanted or to recreate all of my favorite memories from my own childhood. It was a chance to help someone else avoid making those mistakes that I had already experienced. I know, when I read it out loud it sounds like I’m some crazy stage mom. I’m not. I just always try to afford my daughters every opportunity that they want; every chance to be who they want to be.

I have two daughters. One daughter is all about everything prim, proper and princess. She loves the refinement of ballet, all things pink (in all shades) and the fancier and girlier something is, the better it is in her mind. She loves big full dresses and giant hair flowers. She fulfills every one of those fantasies I had when I first found out that I was pregnant with a girl. She is obedient, pensive, social, philanthropic and kind. She is very Audrey Hepburn. Everyone who meets her tells me what a pleasure she is to be around. I am proud of her. She says that when she grows up, she wants to be a fashion designer and a mother of 4. She wants it all and I respect that but I know there will be choices that will have to be made with those dreams; sacrifices to be made.

My youngest daughter loves blue and green, which also happen to be my favorite colors. She is a little tomboyish and rough around the edges but she is 100% genuine all the time. She can’t tell a lie to save her life and she wears her heart on her sleeve and her every mood on her face. She is honest to a fault and fierce beyond any sass I have ever seen on another child her age. She is gruff but she is graceful and I see a lot of Grace Kelly beneath that somewhat wild first impression. When she dances, it’s like a soft breeze blowing off the ocean. She loves animals and says when she grows up she wants to go to Purdue (where her father and I went) and be a veterinarian. She’s 7 but she says she’s not sure she wants kids. I know this might change but it also might not.

Their dreams are big and beautiful in their own way. I hope they get everything they desire out of life but, as their mother, all I really want them to have is health, love and happiness. I don’t care who it’s with or whether they have children or not or where they live or who they marry or what they do; all I want for them is loads and loads of good health and happiness. All the rest is not my dream to have.

Speaking of Dreams Coming True,

Disney’s Ultimate Fairy Tale, Disney’s Sleeping Beauty Diamond Edition will be released on Blu-ray™ and Digital HD for the first time on October 7, 2014. So why not create some memories that will last a lifetime with Disney’s illustrious #SleepingBeauty- a must own for every family’s classic collection, and order now!

What is your dream for your child?

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2014/09/22
That One Time I Had Complete Meltdown in a Room Full of Bloggers #TypeACon
I am in the airport in Atlanta, coming off the high that is Type-A Conference. This was my first time attending the event and I loved the community. I’ve never felt so among “my people” as I did this weekend.
The feel was casual and easy going and the people were fun, open and laid back. It just felt like we were all there to grow, not just a brand or as a writer but as people. I have never had so many ‘real’ hugs, real conversations and felt so at ease at a conference for that I thank you Kelby and I thank each and every one of you who I met, shook hands with, shared a meal with, a laugh or just a friendly, sincere hello. You made this trip. I felt safe. And I’m glad that I did because it came in handy on Sunday afternoon.
A few months ago, on a whim, I submitted a post to the We Still Blog Awards. I wasn’t going to win because, let’s face it. I drop a few too many f-bombs and sometimes can be a little too controversial for some people’s palate. I get that. I’m a bit of an acquired taste but I had to try because, well, if you don’t try, you fail. Imagine my shock and awe when I found out that I was to be a finalist. I mean, this was a big freaking deal to me to be one of 10 people chosen.for.my.writing. This was an honor and to be chosen by my peers, to have the honor of reading to my peers was indescribable. It was incredible.
Just so you all know, I am an extrovert in every sense of the word BUT I get a little nervous when I have to speak in front of large groups, especially when the group is a bunch of talented writers/bloggers and even more so when the piece is something deeply personal.
One by one, phenomenal blogger after another approached the podium to read their post. They made me cry, then they made me laugh, then I cried and laughed again. Then Amanda Henson read and we all cried. All I kept thinking in my head was, “PLEASE GOD don’t let me go next. NO ONE can follow that!” Plus, I was sobbing and snotting all over the place. Every writer that took the stage, moved me. Words are powerful. They called the next name. It wasn’t me. WHEW!
That reader wasn’t there. Then, they called the next reader. IT.WAS.ME. I wiped my snot nose, tried to tidy up my mascara and made my way to the podium. I began to read, slowly because everything was feeling a but heavy and fuzzy and my voice started cracking and the eyes started leaking.
I made it about two paragraphs in and then I just sobbed. I couldn’t speak. ME. I .WAS.SPEECHLESS.If you know me. have ever met me or been in my general vicinity, you KNOW that never happens. Cecily came to my rescue and I will always hold her in special place in my heart for doing that.
My heart broke, right there on stage. Right in front of everyone. I was surrounded by the only people in the world who could understand what that moment was like for me; the people who process life’s moments with words, by writing it out.
To all the attendees of Type-A, it was an honor to share my piece with you. To my table, my tribe, my cheering squad, tissue handing, nose wiping, hugging me as hard as I needed to be held and Cecily, helping read when I could not regain my voice….YOU ladies are more special than I can ever tell you. We came as friends, but we left as family.
To the people who I was allowed the privilege of sharing the stage with that Sunday afternoon in September, your words touched my heart. You are what blogging is about for me; people connecting through words and shared experiences. Last but not least, Kelby, thank you for hosting such an amazing conference and the We Still Blog awards the honor of being a finalist is something that I will always hold dear.
Here are all the We Still Blog Nominees:

https://dadscribe.com/2014/03/26/the-field-trip/
https://mandarinmama.com/can-you-get-ptsd-from-taking-your-kid-to-the-dentist/
https://redswrap.wordpress.com/2014/04/14/at-my-mothers-knee/
https://semiproper.com/bright-lights-and-brothels/
https://itsmeamanda.com/2014/05/01/because-life-isnt-fair-amanda/
https://www.home-ec101.com/death-organ-and-tissue-donation-and-grief/
https://abugandabee.com/?p=1357
https://www.confessionsofafatgirl.net/blog/2014/07/fat-girl-on-a-hot-day-summer-just-sucks.html
https://stressfreebaby.com/2014/02/invisible/
Here is mine.
https://motherhoodthetruth.com/a-sky-full-of-paper-lanterns/
I urge you to take the time and read everyone of the written pieces above. Each one of those writers are a rock star.
If you’ve never been to a Type-A Conference, I urge you to go. It just might change your life. It did mine.
2014/09/23
Things that Turn Men Off that Women Think Are Turning Him On
You ever wonder if their are things that turn men off that we might think are sexy? You’ve heard the old saying that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, right? We obviously speak a different language and process things differently. Does it have anything to do with having an innie or an outtie? I don’t know but I do know that what we think is sexy and what our man thinks is sexy may be two totally different things.
I’ve never thought about what turns men off. I guess, as women, we are lucky that way. Men usually pursue us so we don’t have to work as hard for it. But maybe we should. Maybe we should care enough to actually try to figure out what our men like or don’t like in bed. I think before I got married and had babies, I really tried. I wore all the skimpy lingerie like the ones from Cris’ Lingeries store, tried all the new things and was always up for anything.
Then I had children and well, keeping little people alive and being covered in bodily fluids has a weird way of making women feel super unsexy. Gradually, I just sort of stopped trying as hard. I won’t lie. I am exhausted 99% of the time.
For instance, I know we’ve all been guilty of wearing something super comfy but totally unsexy to bed. I once had these pajama shorts that were SOOOOOO comfortable but not very sexy. Not even cute. One day my husband outright asked me, “Honey, can you PLEASE just throw them away?”
After I was done crying, I threw them away. I guess I could have kept them and used them as erection kryptonite but instead I threw them away because I don’t want to purposely turn my husband off. I want to be the woman who still turns him on. I need to put some effort into proactively making him feel wanted. I don’t think any of us want to make our partner feel unwanted, right?
Aside from my erection killing sleep shorts, here are a few other things that might be putting a damper on your sex life. No fear, we can fix them. And if your man is experiencing erectile dysfunction, you may support him by going to the ED Clinic with him.
Coyness
Sure, a shy woman is a challenge and most men like a a demure flower so they can feel like they earned it but men also like to feel like the woman they are with actually enjoys sex and wants to be there. Own your sexuality. No more quietly lying there like dead weight or trying to hide beneath the cloak of darkness. That’s not doing either of you any favors. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. He wants you. He’s naked in your bed. You are the prize. Now, start acting like it. Throw those shoulders back, push that ass out and work what your mama gave you. He will love it. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be happy with who you are.
Teeth touching his manhood
Repeat after me, raking is bad! Hate to break it to you but teeth on sensitive private parts equals turn off, even if you are gentle. I know sometimes biting is fun and sexy. Biting his lip, his neck, his chest or even is ass are definite turn ons but when you get to his member, be gentle. You wouldn’t want him to find your clitoris only to bite it, would you?
Grabbing too hard
Sure men like to have their testicles touched, cupped and kissed. You can gently suck and even lick but testicles are not detachable. Never yank on them. It hurts. Just think of what it feels like when a guy twists your nipples. Hello! Tuning in Tokyo is so 1980. Word to the wise, be gentle unless otherwise specifically requested.
Inserting things without warning
Wow! This one could get us all hurt. Many men like their prostate massaged. It really is a turn on for most men but just like you don’t like surprise anal sex neither does your man. If he’s not expecting it, he might clench up and it could really hurt ( both of you). Never just randomly insert something into his anus whether it be a finger, a fist or a plug. There has to be a discussion, some lube, a warning and maybe a safe word. No matter how much you might dream about it, we are not all living in Christian Grey’s world. There are somethings that you just can’t spring on a partner during the act.
Licking it like it’s a lollipop
There is no denying that men love blow jobs. But licking anything like a lollipop can cause serious catastrophic chapping to the manhood. A chapped penis will not be a useful one. It may put your guy out of sexual commission for a week and ladies, they do not sell Carmex for your penis.
Continuing past the sensitivity
OK, I think we might all be guilty of this. If your man has already maxed out in pleasure and you continue to “pleasure”him after he tells you to stop, it’s actually painful. I know we think it’s more of a good thing but it’s actually too much of a good thing. Unless you want to get smacked across the head, I suggest you that you slowly back away from his manhood and no one will get hurt.
Talking too nasty
Men like women who talk dirty but not too nasty. For instance, “oh baby, I’ve been a bad girl.Spank me” = good. “Oh baby,pull my tampon out with your teeth!” = bad. Your nasty mouth may turn him completely off, luckily if you know what you’re doing with your mouth you can turn that frown upside down in 5 seconds flat.
Not trying new things
Sure there might be a couple things that you are really good at and hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it but sex is supposed to be a fun adventure for two, or three if that’s what you’re into, but if you do the same thing, in the same place over and over again, it gets boring for him and for you. I’m sure your man appreciates your professional grade strip teases or your perfected BJs but sometimes throw in an afternoon delight reverse cowboy and blow his mind. Spice it up. You have to try everything at least twice and then you can decide whether or not you like it and that applies to all areas of life. If your partner suggests some new positions, or role playing or just a new twist on an old favorite, try it you might like it.
Ladies, don’t feel bad, I have a list for the men too. I will publish that next week because there are things that they think are sexy and are totally turning us off too. But today, ladies, what’s your best, no -fail tip of how to turn your man on?
Men, what things that turn men off do we women do because we think it’s sexy?
2014/09/30
What Every Tech Savvy Adventurer Will Want this Holiday Season
Can you believe it’s already almost Halloween? This weekend, we’re doing the city’s zombie walk at the girl’s request (because we are the coolest parents ever) and then it’s hay rides and pumpkin carving at the neighborhood fall festival. Before too long, I’ll be hosting Thanksgiving and then Christmas. Christmas??? I’m still dreaming of beaches and water parks! Where did summer go?
Every year, I know that I am going to get lost in all of our “obligations” that I purposely focus even harder on making sure the girls remember baking cookies with grandma, making fudge with daddy, singing carols and just a general feeling of warmth rather than the chaos. I try to make each holiday season fondly memorable even if that just means the four of us preparing brunch and watching Christmas vacation together. What I inevitably forget to do every year is give my family a list of what I’d like for Christmas.
Sure, I can say that all I really want is my family to be healthy, happy and together and that is true but of course, there are things that I would like but who ever has time to make a list. It feels so unimportant amongst everything else but really, it would be nice to actually get something that I’ve wanted. The thing with moms is that we are so busy taking care of others that we often forget to take care of ourselves and while we’ll bend over backwards to make our family happy, we just never seem to take the time to do the same for ourselves.
Not this year. This year, I am not only making a list. I am making a pin board of all the stuff I’d be thrilled to have and a lot of it is tech toys like the GoPro HERO4 Black, an iPhone 6 Plus, a conference ticket or two and a few other tasty treats to kick my blog up a notch.

GoPro has unveiled its new line of action cameras at Best Buy stores, just in time for the holidays. Best Buy will also have the latest accessories and mounts to help you capture immersive footage of the moments that matter most like skiing in Aspen, ringing in the New Year some place warm or maybe spring break at Disney World.
GoPro cameras make the perfect holiday gift for everyone, my girls would love it to take action video while flipping on the trampoline. I’d love it to take stunning action photos for my blog. GoPro’s new line of cameras allow you to beautifully and authentically capture and share the experiences that bring purpose, adventure, and joy to your life.
GoPro has 3 new cameras out this holiday season:
- GoPro HERO4 Black is the most advanced GoPro ever, featuring improved image quality and a 2x more powerful processor with 2x faster video frame rates1, HERO4 Black takes award‐winning GoPro performance to a whole new level.
- GoPro HERO4 Silver is the first-ever GoPro to feature a built-in touch display. Controlling The camera, playing back footage and adjusting settings is ultra-convenient—just view, tap and swipe the screen. With 1080p60 and 720p120 video, and 12MP photos at a staggering 30 frames per second, HERO4 Silver combines powerful, pro-quality capture with the convenience of a touch display.
- GoPro HERO: Featuring high‐quality 1080p30 and 720p60 video, and 5MP photos up to 5 fps, HERO captures the same immersive footage that’s made GoPro one of the best-selling cameras in the world.
It has 12x more powerful processor with 2x faster video frame rates. This is action photography at its best. I can’t wait to get my hands on one.
Well, I’d better get back to sorting my Blogger’s Wish list Pinterest pin board
Learn more at www.bestbuy.com/GoPro or visit your local Best Buy to check out the latest cameras in person.

I’ve been compensated in the form of a Best Buy Gift Card , which I am putting towards buying myself the GoPro HERO4 Black.
2014/10/14
How to Easily Make the Perfect Halloween Dia De Los Muertos Costume
Halloween and Dia de Los Muertos are only a few days away.
Last weekend was our city’s annual Fright Night and Zombie walk. My daughters have been wanting to participate for the past 3 years but we’ve felt they were too young to be immersed in the middle of all of those “zombies” so we’ve been watching from the sidelines. This year, we decided would be the year that we all walked “amongst the dead”. They were zombies and I was la Calavera Catrina, recognized as a sugar skull.
My husband and girls dressed as authentic walking dead zombies. My husband was a typical zombie ironically wearing a blood smeared “Be Kind to the Earth” t-shirt with a vintage plaid flannel. I guess he was going for hipster zombie look.
My 9-year-old was a prom queen zombie. Luckily her ballet rehearsal was done in just enough time to get home, change into her “prom” dress and dead face. My littlest one was the cutest dead school girl ever.
My little brother and I chose to go in a different direction. I love the Walking Dead but I just can’t make myself drag my legs and growl at people so my brother dressed as a sugar skull and I dressed as the Grand Dame of Dia De Los Muertos, la Calavera Catrina. The best part? Everything I needed was in my closet.
Here is how to apply the Dia de Los Muertos make-up and pull together a costume that will make heads turn.
I think it turned out awesome!
1. 1. Begin with an even layer of the Ben Nye Clown White make-up all over the entire face, except the eye sockets, with a sponge, and set with powder. You can buy setting powder at the Halloween shop but, honestly, baby powder works just as well. It is important to set the color with the powder, because the black lines and color on top may get smudged unless you place a barrier in between. Seriously, your face will look like it is melting off if you don’t and who wants to go through all that time painstakingly applying make-up only to have it slide right off your face?
    Next, I sculpted the perimeter of my eye socket with a black liquid eyeliner, it’s much easier to use than regular black face make-up and it lets you be more precise with your lines. Then intensify the area by blending a matte black shadow in the same hue over the top of the entire eyelid and filling in the drawn socket.
    For the detailing, pick up a black liquid liner with a precise tip, and draw an upside-down heart on the nose, the two rows of scalloping, connected by a circular motion, that surrounds the eyes and the two small circles on either side of my cheek bones. Mark out seven lines in a V-shape on your forehead. I made a jewel in the middle of mine, you can too or not, whatever you choose. Connect the lines with curved shapes to create a spider web.
    Use the same liquid liner to draw the two lines on your cheeks and draw a rose on your chin.
    Use a color wheel of your choice to fill in the scalloping around your eyes, your jewel and any other designs on your face that need color. I set the color with more translucent powder, not too much, just enough to keep the color from running.
    Moving on to the lips, I wanted red lips so I used my Red Chanel lipstick to draw in my lips. Then with the black liquid eyeliner, I drew in the intersecting lines across my lips. I let all lines dry well and then went over with liquid eyeliner again.
    With the liquid liner, add a few dotted details over the face, and a flower on your chin. Touch up individual areas with the color palette of your choice as needed, and after a few coats of mascara, I used fake-eyelashes to give my eyes a little extra umph.
For the hair, I simply washed my hair and dried it curly. Teased it. Pulled it to a curly, side pony tail and then added two oversized red roses behind my ears, which I held in with bobby pins. You could also opt for a headband with flowers on it.
To finish the look, I shopped my closet. Sometimes being a Latina with a dad who retires to Mexico 8 months a year has its advantages. I wore a long black skirt, a white peasant blouse with red, yellow and green roses from Mexico as my blouse, an ornate, traditional Kelly green velvet apron with gold scalloping and bright gold shawl. It came together perfectly but, honestly, the make-up makes the costume.
What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
Do you celebrate Dia de Los Muertos?
2014/10/27
A Father’s Daughter
A Father’s Love
Father and his Daughter~ It’s difficult to understand the relationship between a father and his daughter. This topic has been on my mind a lot lately with the Daddy/Daughter dance pending this Friday. The Big Guy is an amazing father. You can see it in his eyes how much he adores our girls. This adoration appeared the moment each of our girl’s were born, engulfing father and daughter in an unbreakable circle of love and trust. It will be this way as long as he takes breath. There exists a next level of unconditional love between a father and his daughters. It’s a symbiotic relationship of complete devotion.
I see my girls with the Big Guy and I see all the possibility and goodness of a parent/child relationship and it makes me wonder if every child has this, at some point? I adore my father. I’ve always loved him. His approval and love have always been at the forefront of my mind. But I remember moments, in my lifetime, when I didn’t like him very much. Times when my happiness literally was hung on him and he let me down. Not in the small ways that a parent fails their child but failure in grand ways. I’ve always loved him the most. I’ve always found forgiveness and an endless well of love for this man. He’s always loved me. I know that. He just didn’t always show it.
I watch my daughters, they hang their happiness on their father. Of course, my husband is a different man than my father. It’s a different time than when I was a child. Fathers are more involved in the parenting than they ever were. My husband is ever dependable and present. My father was not always dependable and seldom present. He worked a lot and when he was not working, he spent a lot of time doing what he wanted to do.
A Father’s love is Unconditional
He loved me unconditionally but sometimes he had a difficult time expressing it. I spent a lot of time being made to feel like his little princess and a little time feeling like I had done something wrong. Only no one ever told me what that was. It was confusing as a child. It was sort of like having the rug pulled out from underneath you and the wind knocked out of you, unexpectedly.
I don’t know if that is genetic or I’ve somehow inadvertently taught my girls to do this. I think mostly they do it because they know he will never fail to make them happy. Even when he doesn’t do what they want, or give them what they want it is always with unconditional love and support and usually in their best interest. They can see in his eyes, hear in his words and know in his actions that they are the most important people in his world. I love that about him.
What differences do you see between your relationship with your father and the relationship your husband has with your children? Do you think this is because of the role of men in parenting today ? Or do you think it has more to do with who your husband is versus who your father was?
Ph oto Credit
A Father’s Love
2012/02/06
Truthful Mommyisms
I can’t remember exactly how or when I met the lovely Alexandra, the voice of Good Day Regular People. I do know that she is like the big sister that I never had. She is a wonderful woman who writes a very smart, funny, entertaining and honest blog. I love reading her because for me, she is very relate-able. We share a common thread, we are both Latinas and Mothers. But her pieces are more than just that, they are the voices of Motherhood that transcend race, religion,creed, or station in life. If you are not already a follower of Alexandra, I hope that you will be. Not only is she an amazing supporter for her bloggy friends, she truly does celebrate her fellow women and she is full of maternal wisdom.I am honored to have her here today sharing her very tender and intimate truth about motherhood. She is one of the bravest women I know.I know that once you read her, you will hold her in as high a regard as I do. Thank You Alexandra for sharing your story. XO, Debi

Since I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother.

To have my own babies, and have a laundry basketful of little bitty socks and soft, cotton onesies to fold.

When I was five years old, I confessed to my grandmother, “Abuela, I can’t wait to have my own children.” Her response to me was, “God waits to send the perfect children just for you.” I smiled at the thought of what precious baby God would choose for me. I imagined having a little girl, full of curls and large, dark eyes, all legs kicking and joyful giggling.

I knew I would be a perfect mother, for that perfect baby. I would be the best mother there ever was. I would be loving, patient, full of kisses and good nature and never without a smile on my face and laughter in my voice. I would be a dream mom.

As time went on, my baby fever never wained. And the longer life had me wait for that perfect baby, the more precise the vision of what type of mother I would be, became. With every year that my biological clock ticked on, the more mature and wisened I imagined myself in the role of a lifetime: that of a mother.

I was growing impatient, and frankly, scared, when I was approaching 35 years old, and still without that one baby. That baby that my life felt empty without. That baby that would bring me all the happiness I felt I was missing. That baby that would make my life perfect. I knew that when that baby came, the heavens would open and a chorus of angels would sing, and I would be happy, fulfilled, and never experience any sort of sadness or negative feeling for the rest of my life.

Just five months short of my 36th birthday, I finally had that golden, much awaited, baby. The one that would bring me all the joy I knew would come with finally being a mother. All I had dreamed of was finally, here, in my arms.

What wasn’t part of my life’s dream, however, was the shock of the feelings I was having after the birth of this baby.

I was scared. I was in pain. I was confused and panicked. I was oh so very tired. And I had a baby that wasn’t crying, but screaming and inconsolable, painfully latching on to engorged breasts.

I burst into tears. This was the moment I had been waiting for my entire life? This?

What was wrong with me? I should be up and dancing and calling people on the phone, joyfully. Not laying here, in this hospital bed, hooked up to an I.V., with tears streaming down my face, holding a baby that I knew could read my mind that said, “I’m too scared to be your mama.”

I kept all these feelings to myself, I was so full of shame. I never heard of anyone crying with unhappiness when their baby was born. And especially me. Everyone in my life knew that all I ever wanted, was to have my own baby.

Fortunately, my Dr. was astute enough to know this was not a case of baby blues lite. She had me in her office by Day 5 of my beautiful boy being born.

She sent me to a Post Partum Depression specialist. My wonderful Dr. would call me at home, to see how I was doing. She located a PPD support group for me. She even called my husband and told him how important it was that he be home with me.

Was this the way I imagined the birth of my life long awaited first baby to be? No. It so sadly wasn’t.

This first baby is now 16 years old. But, the memory of his birth is a vivid, visceral one.

I have worked hard, through therapy, to forgive myself for not welcoming his coming into the world with joy. I have had to forgive myself.

The Truthful Mommyism that I’ve had to learn, is that I’m not perfect, but that does not make me any less of the perfect mother for my children. I am who I am, battle scars and all, and I’ve learned that facing and working through the challenges that life has sent my way, has made me see myself as a strong, brave, determined woman. When my first child was born, not only did I have a newborn to take care of, but I did it with PPD, temporarily broken dreams, and, at the time, disappointment in myself.

I did it, I survived, and I am proud to say, that I am proud of myself.
2011/05/10
Fashion Haul Friday ~ Hair, It’s Sexy and it Knows It
Fashion and Hair ~This week’s fashion Friday is all about the hair. Sure, it’s nice to have a hot outfit on but the hair is truly the glue that ties it all together. Shit hair with a hot outfit can destroy the whole thing. If you think I’m exaggerating, try a ponytail with a hot red dress.Not sexy, just sad. Maybe the look could be pulled off with one of those loose and sexy ponys. You know the I just fornicated ponytail that looks like someone just tried to rip it off your head in the heat of the moment as you rolled around in bed. Yeah, that one is sexy. The one we throw our hair into when we drop the kids off in our pajamas…not so much.
My Hair on my Birthday, Fall of 2010
Long, shiny and layered has always been my preferred hairstyle. All boys like long hair, right? Long hair is sexy. Men love to run their fingers through long hair. Isn’t this in the handbook for tween girls somewhere?
I felt pretty with all that long, flowing hair. When I wore it big and curly, I felt even more sexy. But then sometime in the last 6 years, not coincidentally around the same time I became a Mommy, all that beautiful hair spent 97% of the time in a ponytail. What am I, 6?
Sure on special occasions, I fixed it and most of the time it looked awesome. But I have naturally curly hair and a LOT of it, and it’s strong willed and stubborn (consider the head it’s attached to) and has a mind of its own sometimes. So some days it would look great and other days it looked like I had gotten into a wrestling match with my hair…and I clearly lost.
Then all that ponytailing made my hair start to break off, couple that with stress making it fall out. There you have me, forehead turning into a fivehead and my tub looking like kittens were trying to escape down the drain each time I shower. Pssst, I’m pretty sure all that hair boycotting my head decided to be political and occupy my floor. Then this fall, this started happening….
My hair in the fall 2011, a bit matronly and unruly.
The hair completely boycotted ME! Sure, it doesn’t look awful but this was a good day. This was no ponytail.But NO CONTROL. Any other day of the week, I can assure you that I was wearing yoga pants, a t-shirt, and a ponytail. It made me feel ugly. It made me want to be invisible. My hair had always been a source of beauty on me. We all have them, parts and pieces of who we are that we love and adore. For me they were as follows, in no particular order; intelligence, humor, hair, eyes, teeth, boobs and legs and a good fashion sense. But everything else had to come first and I devolved into someone who couldn’t project self confidence and worth if she felt ugly and sub par.
They say that every great change throughout history has started with a very small step. Yesterday, I took that step.
My Hair Today
I haven’t had a haircut in over 6 months and not a decent stylist since before Abbi was born ( she’s 4). I’ve been band aiding my soul with just getting by. Meantime, my self confidence has been being chipped away at an alarming rate. I made up my mind, I bought a hairstyle magazine, found the one I liked, asked Siri for the top stylist in town and voila…new amazing stylist. She was intuitive and receptive to me and what I wanted but reminded me of what I needed. No wonder I was extra comfortable being pampered on their salon chairs. This is the cut I decided on. We cut off 8 inches of my hair yesterday in that Aveda Salon and sent it away to Lockes of Love ( a charity very close to my heart because of my nephew who suffered from leukemia .)
I left the salon feeling lighter, not only freed from the weight of the hair that had been cut off but of the weight of having to figure out what to do with said hair. My hair is currently too short to pull into a pony so I usually just style it with the best mousse for fine hair I can find in the store. I chose this hairstyle because it forces me to fix my hair and form a new habit. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that with this new cut, color and style; I don’t feel like just these precious little angels Mom. I feel like a woman again. I feel feisty, sassy and ,dare I say it, even sexy.My husband absolutely adores it and hasn’t been able to keep his hands off the back, as it is shorter and textured. He told me that he was afraid to put his hands in my long hair for fear of messing it up or getting tangled up in it.
I just want to tell all of you beautiful ladies, who have been wanting to change your hair, the color, the length, or drastically cut it shorter; GO FOR IT! It was so liberating. I feel like there’s nothing I can’t do. I feel like when I go out and people are staring at me, they are staring at how hot my hair is. It just screams run your fingers through my hair. Unlike before, they were staring and thinking to themselves, poor girl really needs to run a brush through that nest.
This haircut was like going to college, it totally liberated me from being who I allowed myself to be preconceived as. I’m happy, I am optimistic, I am sexy, I am Sassy, and I am feisty and loud about the whole thing! What a difference a hair can make.
Don’t forget the giveaway for the Karen Kane $100 GC is still open until next Friday. Please see here for direction and how to enter via. Raffle-copter. My new hair looks stunning with my Karen Kane vest, a long t and well-fitting, good pair of jeans.
2012/01/21
Fragile; Handle with care
Seems lately, I have been spending a majority of my life in a never ending holding pattern. Think about that for a moment. Really think about it.Not moving forward, not achieving anything….just holding steady; making noise. On but not functioning.
I think a lot of moms feel this way sometimes. Like you are not living up to your potential but at the same time, you are doing everything you can to get by. Using ALL of your effort, just to get through a day. Well, now take that and multiply it by about a 1000 and you will be closer to the place I have been for the past few months. It’s starting to take its toll on me. I can feel myself slowly becoming weaker ; more vulnerable. On some days I feel like I’m walking around my life like an exposed nerve. Just waiting for the slightest breeze of change to send me into a tailspin. I feel like a broken record ,s o if you feel you’ve heard it before..walk away now.
Many of you are familiar with the situation that has consumed our lives for the past year and a half. There was May 2009, January 2010, and Now; life has been really rough with all this going on. I have been trying to hold it all together with minimal meltdowns and a stiff upper lip. It’s not always so easy. It’s very hard to run a household, take care of the children, pay the bills, run all the errands and keep the schedule with no respite; no help whatsoever. But it is much harder when you have a husband that you are happily married to but, due to circumstances beyond your or his control, he is not there. It makes me angry to know that I did all the leg work to have this marriage but I receive none of the benefits. We’re not divorced, we truly do love one another, he’s my best friend, he’s a good father, and thanks to our economy he is pulled away from us. I think it’s a completely different feeling than if I were a single Mother or we were divorced because its like having money and not being allowed to spend it versus just not having the money. It’s sort of like that you don’t miss what you never had. Well, I ~~had~~ have it, but I don’t have access. Which is possibly the most frustrating scenario ever.
Anyways, aside from all the other craziness, now we are getting ready for school to start. My eldest baby ( yes, she is still my baby) is getting ready to start kindergarten on the 19th. This will be a difficult day for me. I know this.Exposed nerve alert! Just the thought of that impending doom makes me tear up. It’s very emotional to let your child take that first step into growing up. It’s bigger than any first step thus far, at least that is how my heart is feeling right now. Due to this situation we are in, I am not sure that my husband is going to make it to the first day. It’s our first child’s , first day of kindergarten! You know, the first day of the rest of her life. This day will never come again. I feel that it is crucial that he is there, for all of us.He has missed a lot these past few months because of his job and I think this is unmissable; not just for her but for him, as well. So, to catch you up to speed; Mommy is in an emotional state of an exposed nerve; eldest girl is nervous about kindergarten and new school and her life completely changing; little sister will have a breakdown ( On the first day of her sister’s preschool, she screamed and cried as we left “BELLA!BELLA!” ( Just imagine Brando saying “Stella” but in the voice of a distraught 2 year old.) and me..trying to hold it all together. I don’t want to do this alone. I shouldn’t have to. This has me filled with trepidation and sadness. Is it wrong for me to want my family to be able to cohabitate like a normal family? Is it wrong to want my husband around for support? I mean, I don’t want to be a pain in the ass but when is it going to end? It all just keeps getting piled on! So, this is where I am..an exposed nerve.
Then, good news..great news. He’s been interviewing for about a month ( yes, you heard me right) with a company that would put him in a position that he would love. We get the call, with an offer that is acceptable. Great news, in theory. It means yet another move. It means its too late to get into a good school at this late of a date. It means having to try and sell our house (nobody buys in the Midwest after Labor Day) meaning we are screwed until next spring. It means finding all new schools, it means finding new doctors, dentists, ballet schools, friends and the list goes on and on. It really is good news but we can’t move until the house sells. What does all this mean? It means my husband got a great new job at a horrible time of the year for putting our house on the market, it means the taste in my mouth from trying to sell it last year on our previous move is still fresh in my mind and it scares the hell out of me, it means I’m still alone until at least next spring. I am trying to be positive and hold it all together but its hard when you’re an exposed nerve and there is no relief in immediate sight. Nobody ..NOBODY understands how this feels, unless they’ve been in this position ( for this long) and I don’t know too many people who have been in a holding pattern for this long. I know, in my mind, that when it is all said and done we will be in a much better position in our lives but the hard part is trying to survive the meantime. I deserve to be moving forward in my life,with my children, with my husband, with my dreams..not holding steady; holding on for dear life. I want to enjoy my life not just survive it. I think I can, I think I can….
2010/08/09