Out of Control House
I am a control freak. I have always been a control. Type-A personality doesn’t even begin to describe the control freak I am. I feel the need to control every single aspect of my life and when something is out of place, I seek out control like a heat seeking missile.
I wish I were one of those people who could allow toys to be left out in a common area so that my kids could go to them and play whenever they like. I wish. But no, I am the crazy person who takes it all out and then drives myself insane trying to put it away, only for it to be pulled out in the next hour. Messes drive me bonkers. Messy house, messy life, messy relationships; I can and have existed in these situations but when I do the control rears it’s ugly head someplace else.
For instance, when I was a teen, my home life was a wreck. I had no control. My father was in control and he was completely out of control, due to his own issues. Thanks to puberty, my body was out of control. There were 7 people in a small house; the house was a perpetual mess. It was clean but it was cluttered with people and things. I felt like I had no voice, no choice and everybody’s opinion mattered to me. Their noise was my mess and I felt like I had absolutely no control. So I took control the only way I could. I controlled my body.
Out of Control Body
My dad once made a comment about me needing to run. He didn’t say it in a mean way. He was a runner. I was going through puberty. Curves were popping up faster than hair in inappropriate places. He suggested that I run. I heard “You are fat!” I began restricting. His one comment to this control freak who was out of control, left me with no other alternative but to take control.
The toll of control of my body, 8 years of bulimarexia, followed me all through college. The more out of control the world around me got, the more focused I became on controlling myself. At one point, during a particularly bad relationship in which I felt I had absolutely no control, a school year that was moving at lightening speed, a full time job and a commute of 1.5 hours each way every day to university, I found myself eating less than 400 calories a day and vomiting, at my worst, 10 times a day. Yes, I just wrote that down. Now you know one of my dirtiest little secrets. Of course, if you’ve been a long time reader of the TRUTH about Motherhood, you already know my story.
I eventually left the controlling asshole and found myself in a relationship that I felt secure in and equal. I felt like a partner. I eliminated the commute. I quit the job. I lived on my own. I took control of the circumstances that made me feel out of control and then I got rid of the eating disorder. It wasn’t easy but it was what I needed to do. I wanted bigger and better things for myself than a slow death and a life of punishing myself because of someone else’s perception of me. I had to make the choice to channel my control. I had to control my own outlook and perspective of life. I had to shift out of feeling lost among the mess to knowing that I could look at the mess as adventure and fun. I am the one in control of me.
I read the book, The Charge, by Brendon Burchard and this passage resonated with me so powerfully that I needed to share it with you all. I hope that you let it soak in and run all over you and know that you are the master of your own destiny and your perspective of the world, which makes you in control of how you react to the world.
Those living a charged life tend to see information as just that-information. They don’t attach negative emotion and judgment to themselves just because someone says something negative, or something negative happened in the world. They protect their self-image and realize that a sometimes chaotic and volatile world need not shake their own internal constitution or perspective on how magical the world can truly be.
Life is not some place to merely exist like a piece of furniture. Life is a place to thrive and experience the wonder of the world and of your own potential. It took me a long time and I had to learn the hard way, I still need to be reminded now and again, that life is as beautiful and exciting as you dare make it to be. We don’t have to allow ourselves to be defined by someone else’s expectations of us. The Charge has reminded me that I am in control of what becomes of my life. No one else, just me. How do you live your life to the fullest? How do you take control of your destiny?
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This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Burchard Group Sponsored Conversation. Burchard Group Sweepstakes and Rules. The opinions and text about The Charge and control are all mine.