Commuter Marriage~The Stoop

Commuter Marriage Sucks ~ As I stand on the front stoop watching my husband pull away for the 17th Sunday, bound for his hole in Iowa, my throat closes up and I feel like I will be swallowed whole by the huge lump in my esophagus and my eyes burn and sting as they get a little watery.

I watch my girls run down the sidewalk waving and screaming , “Bye Daddy, I love you!” and my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces inside. Every week it stings my very core; every single time.Some times worse than others, but always. I really loathe all this single mothering that I’ve been doing lately but more than that I hate that we are all getting used to it, comfortable even.

Commuter Marriage is Hard on the family

The girls are getting used to not having Daddy around, and I am getting used to handling things on my own, and sometimes when he’s here, I think he feel’s like he is out of place in his own home. That is what really bothers me. Isn’t this how people drift apart? Isn’t this how families fall apart? I love my husband, and he loves me but if you get used to not having someone around, pretty soon won’t you stop missing one another?

When your husband travels for work, its not consistent and its random and you learn to deal with it by looking forward to the next time he returns. But when your husband has a residence in a whole other state for a job because his office is there and you KNOW he will be gone for at least 4 of the days of the week, its a little harder to swallow. There is no room for superfluous personal days or no chance of  no travel because every week you know, come Sunday afternoon..he’s pulling away and you are left behind on that damn stoop adn he’s left watching you grow smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror. It thought being married meant someone to share your life with. Recently, I feel like I am a kept woman. I have someone to pay the bills. We’re getting to the point where we are forgetting to tell each other the little things that happen in our day to day and that scares me. Pretty soon we won’t know each other. I can deal with geographic distance but not emotional distance. I mean, I never thought I’d be married and alone.

Commuter Marriage is Hard on the Marriage

What do I do? Do I tell him to quit and come home because I need my friend, my partner, my husband? Or do I just keep going on ignoring the fact that this is really hard and slowly becoming impossible.Some days, I am okay with it. Other days, I can hardly bare it.I am lonely and I miss our relationship. The day to day, seeing each other, talking about nothing, sharing laughs and feelings, stolen glances and touches. Now, everything is forced into a weekends time and its not enough.
I feel like such an ungrateful asshole. I know I should be filled with gratitude that he has a job at all in this economy but its extremely hard when you’ve spent every day of the past 13 years with this man and suddenly you are living separate lives. I know he is just as lonely there but some days I feel overwhelmed with all the responsibility of holding it all together. Some days, its just too much.But what do you do when you have bills to pay and kids to feed, mortgages, groceries, and school loans? You suck it up, you be a grown up, you get out of the fetal position, stop crying and stand on that damn stoop and wave goodbye and hope its not for the last time. Commuter marriage is not for the weak.

Commuter Marriage is Hard

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Comments (20)

Is moving to where his job is not a possibility?

In my opinion your marriage is more important, more so than the money you are making. I think you should at least communicate how you are feeling with him. Good luck!

I was going to ask, too, if you could move there, but I see that you can't. Hopefully it will be closer to 6 months than a year. My husband travels about one week out of every month and then he's gone a night here and a night there. I hate it, but I try to make the best of it.

I love my husband, but sometimes a break can be nice b/c we don't take each other for granted.

Sweetie, just keep your lines of communication open…I can't stress that enough! My hubby and I were separated due to a job…for 7 months, he would come home on the weekends mostly but I was a single mom to 4 children and it was very difficult and we lost that feeling of being connected, but we worked hard, communicated and are now living in the same home (our house sold) and things are awesome…it sounds like ya'll just need to talk more, share the little things, and remember this too shall pass!

My boyfriend and I did the same thing. He would go to Iowa City bright and early Monday morning and wouldn't get home until thursday or friday afternoon. This went on for about 6 months.
I would express how stressed or how how much I missed him. But, in our situation, it was something that we just had to do.
What part of Iowa is going to? We live in NW Iowa and my BF would travel 5 hours to Iowa City.

Loved reading your blog and thanks for following mine. I know what it's like to feel like a single mother and be married. My circumstance is different but it's still not easy. I just count my blessings and thank god for my children.

Loved reading your blog and thanks for following mine. I know what it's like to feel like a single mother and be married. My circumstance is different but it's still not easy. I just count my blessings and thank god for my children.

Oh no, I am sorry you are going through this. Since moving is out of the question, you two HAVE TO talk about this. If you don't you are going to drift farther apart emotionally. Please don't ignore it. Again, I'm sorry – I wish someone had a magical answer for you. I can't imgaine going through this, it has to be very difficult.

Oh…I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down. This made me tear up a little….only because you and I have been talking about this lately. It's hard…your situation is obviously much harder.
I think you really need to talk to him and tell him how you feel disconnected. I'm sure he has some of the same feelings and once you get it out in the open you can work on it. Make it a point every night when you talk to tell each other a couple of random things that happened in your day. And I think it's ok to have it feel "normal" for him to be gone….you need to make it as normal as possible for the little ones.
You need to remember that your marriage does come first….he's the one who is supposed to be beside you through thick and thin…he is your best friend and the person you chose to be with. It will be fine…you are just going to have to be creative in how you communicate….maybe try planning something fun every once in a while when he is home that just the two of you do!!! Reconnect!!!
Loves!!!

RObin, no relocating is not a possibility. This is a contract job, 6 months to a year so moving is not an option. WE just relo'd for a job to the east coast last summer, only to be downsized after Christmas.Our house hadn't sold so we came home.WE just have to ride it out.

@ Christy, I agree the marriage is certainly more important than any amount of money. Our marriage is solid, it is just a very hard thing to go through and it does scare me that we are getting used to be apart. I have mentioned this to him but we've not really talked about it.He has said on several occasions that he is going to tell his boss that he quits. It will never get to the point where the job is chosen over the marriage but where's the line between what we can take and what is too much? I don't want to find out. I am praying for a job closer to home where we can see each other every day!

I would definitely talk to your husband about this. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship in my opinion. Express to him how you are feeling and your concerns. See if there are any changes that can be made on either of your parts. Definitely do not hold it all in, that gets dangerous…that's when resentment takes root and bitterness and loneliness turns into depression. You are a team, you have to work together. 🙂

Ladies,
Thank you all so much for the support! Your positivity has perked me right up and I'll be having a serious talk with the big guy.Lots of great ideas and I had no idea, this situation was as common as it is. Thanks again..just one more reason I love my readers!

My husband and I started out our relationship long distance. For 9 months we dated through the phone and airports. We learned how to share everything with each other, despite the distance. Now that we are married and together…sometimes we don't know how to communicate when we are sitting on the couch together. I often tell him we share more when we talk on the phone. So use the phone while his is gone. Have a "date night" once a week when he is gone. We used to pick music we would both listen to and cocktails we would drink. It is a good way to be together when you are far apart. Plan it and make it fun!

Commuter Marriage

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