I have two amazing , beautiful daughters that I simply worship. These two kids are my reason for being. That being said, some times they can absolutely drive me up a wall. I mean, stark raving lunatic crazy. For instance, when bedtime rolls around and my 5 year old just keeps begging for “JUST 5 more minutes (of tv). Please Mommy!” “No, honey. It’s bedtime.You HAVE to go to sleep!” “You are the WORST MOTHA EVA!!!!!” Wow, I didn’t see that coming. Oh, wait. Yes I did..its our bedtime ritual. Some of you ladies like to read and cuddle, not us..we like to have a full on drag out cage match. Then there is my lovely 2 year old. Oh , how I love her so. She just makes me smile always, except for when she is in her “NO” mode. “Honey, let’s take our nap. ” “NO!!!” “Come on, you need your rest.” “NO!!!!” “Get your ass in the bed before I hurt you…(I jest..I don’t say that….not usually. I think it a lot but don’t normally say it) . The point is no matter how combative my children decide to behave or what craziness they decide to throw at me on any given day, which could truly be any thing. Sometimes I feel like I am running through a mine field with crazed chimps throwing poo at me, that’s how bad it gets…some days! But at no point, ever, would I choose one child over the other. Somehow, my heart has grown to accommodate loving both in equal measure, which I never would have believed possible had I not be experiencing it firsthand. I was so in love with my first one that I was positive that there was no way I would or could ever love # 2 any where close to that. You know, sorta how you thought you’d never love any one after that first love? I ,literally, was in the hospital in labor with #2 and was crying because I felt like I was completely betraying #1 by even bringing this other baby into the world and having to split my love. I had no idea that my love would double. But Gabs came along and low and behold, this kid …I couldn’t physically love her anymore then I do. So I can’t conceive how you would ever pick one of your children over another but I’ve seen it happen. Gasp…I know you are either gasping for shame for this poor woman or you are nodding ( silently in agreement). Either way, this “Mother” consistently puts one child’s needs and wants above the others. She has even go so far as to tell the #2 (in her book) that her plans are dependent on #1’s. WTF? This annoys me to no end because I say if you have your favorite, because you are human and I am sure it happens, then at least try and conceal it. Don’t be so damn obvious! That is just insulting for the poor child and anyone else who has the misfortune of witnessing it. Also, keep in mind that for young children, you are risking major bucks in therapy down the line. So, if you are going to have favorites for God’s sake be discreet. Your children are probably not as oblivious as you are giving them credit for being.
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Beauty Hacks to Avoid: When Home Waxing Becomes Deadly
Have you ever had a home waxing go bad?
I mean, we’ve all had the wax burn, accidental over wax of the eyebrows and many of us have looked at that damn hairy strip of cloth and thought for one small second, Really? Why am I doing this? I am married to a man whose back is harrier than my head, occasionally farts when he sleeps and OMG, the man cold. But still, we do it because who the hell wants their partner to think they are gross, plus I don’t want to be hairy. Like I’ve told my girls since they were born, beauty is pain. I want to prepare them for when they are 13 and I want to pluck rogue eyebrows or dark lip hairs. Thankfully they are blonde so hopefully they won’t share in my unsightly five o’clock shadow lip quandary.
Ok, since I am running late..always and can not find the time to spare to take care of myself, in the way in which I am accustom to, I have had to resort to some home remedies. Ok, Moms you know what I am talking about. The Pedegg, home manicures, pedicures, home dye jobs, and even home waxing. God Bless you Nads!
It seems my Pedro has been getting quite out of control…upstairs girls not downstairs. We’ve had the fu manchu mishap, it’s been hardwoods ever since. I am referring to my ever so slightly hairy monkey lip that I so lovingly refer to as my womanstache! OK, so you say you’ve never seen me with this atrocity. Of course not, silly girl. I don’t go in public when the fuzz is a showin. Well, not usually, anyways. It’s just one of my many blessings of being a Latina woman, come on my Greek and Italian girlfriends..you feel me, right? No way we get to have all that flowing hair and curves and not get a sin tax in the form of waxing. Beauty is pain, people.
Anyways, this morning, I hit my hairy monkey threshold. Pedro had to be dealt with. I go to the bathroom to do “the deed”. Waxing. What were you thinking? Oh how I hate being the one to do it. I flinch and sometimes I almost don’t want to pull the strip. I always flash back to the 40 Year Old Virgin..yeah, that’s what my lip feels like when I do it myself. I think its mostly mental, but whatever it is…it hurts.
This morning my 2 and 5-year-old follow me into the bathroom, big surprise. What you think I’ve peed alone in the past 5 years? Nope, I’m just like you. I live under the watchful eyes of voyeuristic little people. They’ve seen me get waxed at the salon, as they are always with me. There is not much I can hide from them. Mommy’s special “Bandaids” for her “monthly vagina booboos”, phantom farts ( because I swear, IT WAS THE DOG) and even my uneven breasts which, I might add my 2-year-old is very disappointed in what gravity and breastfeeding have done to them.We are a very transparent family so if the poor dears have inherited my hairy chihuahua gene they should know what they have to look forward to.
Anyways, my 5-year-old, she is asking all the right waxing questions. How does that work? Does that go on your face? Doesn’t that hurt? Smart cookie. I get into gotta do it mode, put that lovely little wax strip on my face ( I forgot the desensitizing wipe because of the fear and trepidation of pulling the strip..it must be how a soldier feels right before pulling the pin in a grenade). ** I mean no disrespect to soldiers, I know it’s much more frightening handling a live grenade than it is a hairy lip but for me, it’s pretty traumatic.
I glance over at my girls, they both have their hands over their ears like the damn hear no evil monkeys. I’m not sure if its because they are afraid that I am going to scream in pain and anguish or in anticipation of ear muffs due to the obscenities that may accompany such pain. I chuckle. Of course, I chuckle. It’s hilarious that my kids know me so well.
In unison, as I muster the courage to pull the strip, I hear..”Hey! Ho! Let’s Go…to the waxing show!”
My little boogers..I cracked up so hard, I nearly ripped my nose off! Thanks Rock Band. As of late, my 2 year old can put anything to the tune of Blitzkrieg Bop by the Ramones! I am so proud.
Hope my nose grows back.
What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve had to do in front of your kids?
Did it involve home waxing? 😉
The things that come out of her mouth
As we are playing on the swing set in our back yard, I am telling my girls they have 5 minutes left before we go in for naps. They ignore me, as most often they do. I say once more, “5 minutes til we go in for naps!” (that by the way never did come to fruition.) Suddenly, my 5 year old looks at me and says, ” Mom, just because I am talking to Gabs and not looking at you, I CAN still hear you….I have a super power!” Me: “Oh , yeah. What would that be? (besides the obvious, ignoring the sound of my voice without even flinching)” Bella: “I’m a SUPER LISTENER! I hear everything!” OK, that’s news to me because she may hear me but she certainly does not always listen:)
The other day, while visiting my in laws (no less), we all go to dinner. On the way home in the car,we are discussing the idea of my husband and I going on a date. My husband and I had been excited about the idea of potentially being able to go out on a date…by ourselves. My girls love having Grandma babysit….junk food, later bedtime, so on and so forth. It was going to be a win win situation. My 5 year old interjects into the conversation,” Mommy, you should go out with Daddy. Have fun! Stay out as late as you want. But NOT TOO much fun or you’ll come back with another baby!” Thanks a lot for the warning. I’m sure your Grandparents loved the information as well. My girls, they know no boundaries! I love it. I had to laugh, it was adorable and just totally hilarious the things her little mind cooks up.
Bella-isms
We all know my girls say the craziest things, especially me 5 year old. Here are 3 from the last 24 hours.Enjoy!
Me(on the phone with my hubby): “I don’t know, I think maybe I have PMS.”
Bella (my 5 yo)”No, you don’t!”
Me:”What? What are you talking about? How do you know for sure its not PMS?”
I am obviously fishing for what the hell exactly she thinks PMS is.
Bella:” Well, you’re not coughing and sneezing and all that.SO, its not PMS!”
Me: LMAO!!!! Obviously she thinks PMS is code for a cold. I guess that’s what we get for spelling everything in front of her!A little earlier today we were out shopping. Mommy needs some new shorts because last years are too big (Yey!) of course, as stated in the previous example, it was the worst possible week of the month to try on clothes. Anyways, I’ve been in a bit of a funk and thought what the hell I need some retail therapy! As I am trying on shorts, 2 sizes smaller than last summers, I am leery if they are going to fit. Eureka, they fit but it depended on the style as to how they fit. I’m trying them on and a little flustered by my water retention. When I hear Bella say, from the corner of the dressing room, “Good luck with that!”
Me: “Good luck with what?” Bella: “Good luck getting those suckers to button!”
OMG,she’s like my conscience walking around taunting me. I laughed so hard, there was no way I was getting those suckers buttoned. You just can’t suck it in when you’re belly laughing.After the shopping, we hit lunch. My girls love Sonic, I can’t, in good conscience, eat it. It’s so fattening. But what they really love more than the food itself is the act of eating in the car, the taboo of being released from their car seats and eating freely. So, we compromised and I took them to Wendy’s for a cheeseburger and some milk and we ate in the parking lot. Oh, if you only knew how badly I hate that. It’s one of those odd pet peeves of mine. It just conjures images in my mind of someone so insatiably hungry and obese that they can’t wait til they get home to eat. it just screams weakness.( I know, mole hill into a mountain ).They, on the other hand, were as happy as clams. As we sat there eating, them eating their Wendy’s and me my Subway, every thing was perfect. It was a beautiful spring day. We finish and as we are leaving the parking lot, we spy a gentleman in the drive thru on his bicycle. You know Bella, she was not letting this one go unnoticed.
Bella: “Hey MOm!”
Me: “Yes, Bella?”
Bella: “That guy sure looks special!”
I’m not exactly what she was inferring but the intonation in her voice wreaked of sarcasm. I was pretty afraid to ask. But she said exactly what I was thinking! I’ve realized she doesn’t say crazy random things, she pretty much just says every single thought I ever have. She is hilarious. Much more hilarious than if I had said it.
My Bella!
Going Green; every purple and pink step of the way
I did such a great job on Earth Day that my little girls have been following me around constantly reminding me to give them the recyclables…because Heaven forbid they accidentally find their way into the actual garbage. That’s good, I am proud of them. For 2 and 5 they are pretty amazing and very planet friendly conscious.They have also become very big fans of the “if its yellow let it mellow way of life!” This irritates my husband to no end. He screams , my five year old graciously explains about conserving water to save the world. Seriously, how can he argue? Now, I promised to hang a line and use the dryer as little as possible. So we have been hanging laundry all week.It’s been beautiful out and who could resist. I am sure my neighbors think I am either trashy or a little hippie, either way, my linens smell amazing. Hope my homeowners association doesn’t come gunning for me! Today we hung out a load and it made me giggle. All you could see was a sea of pink and purple. Yep, two little planet conscious princesses live here.
This year instead of flowers, we are planting our own butterfly, flower garden and instead of chocolates, we are planting our very own vegetable garden. The girls are super excited and so am I! Now, that being said…Mommy would still love some diamonds 🙂 You know what they say? And who can’t use a few more friends?
Being honest with yourself
Every morning, I wake up and I see my daughters, usually one or both have ended up in our bed at some point throughout the night, and I am in awe of them. I truly am overwhelmed with a feeling of pride and blessedness that I have the honor of calling these perfect human beings mine. The sheer fact that I had anything to do with assisting them to enter into this world, it makes my life worth living. And every night before I go to bed, I pray to God to watch over my daughters and to let them live long, happy, and healthy lives. Above all else, this is all I ask. It is all that really matters to me. I think this is how all mothers feel. But some time in between the morning awe and the bedtime kisses and prayers, we get sidetracked by life. I’ve caught myself yelling at my girls to ” please be quiet,” or even the occassional full on “Please shut up,” at which I immediatley feel horrible and like I should be awarded the worst mom ever trophy. I know that I want and have every intention and capability of being a great Mommy to my girls but sometimes I feel that it is about as effective as having every intention and capability of working out. Where is that fine line that we cross where we go from thinking our kids’ behaviour is endearing to it is unacceptable? Its not them who is changing the rules, it is us and these sliding scale rules to fit our own moods, that is the real problem. That is the true culprit to our frustration. I am making a concerted effort to look at my children , even in the most trying times, no matter the behaviour and stay in control. Who makes the rules? We do. So my new rules are these 1) Love my children above all else, no matter what they do 2) Never let them see you sweat.Stay in control. 3)Let the small things go. They are only small( the children ,not the “things’lol) for a short time.4)Turn the frowns upside down. Life is too short to be unhappy.5) It’s more important to have a healthy and happy realtionship with your children than to have lots of money, a clean house, a quiet house, or a social life.By trying to have all of the above, you ( or at least I do) will find yourself frustrated and unfulfilled. So, my new mantra is “Enjoy my children and forget the rest”, it is the only way that I can accept the chaos that fills my everyday. It is not a bad chaos, it is merely a deviation from my plan and sometimes thats enough to throw the most organized of us all into a complete parental tailspin. But what a wonderful, exciting tailspin it is and I am blessed to be able to share this journey with my two free-spirited, adorable daughters.
The Mother of all Days
I’ve noticed a lot of my friends, real world, bloggy world, imaginary and otherwise, are all up in arms about what they will be receiving for Mother’s Day. I understand this. Us Mommies, we are under appreciated, overwhelmed and underpaid. We get no vacation, no time off for good behavior, hell, we can’t even get solitary confinement (all I want is to be able to pee by myself, is that really too much for a grown woman to ask for?). I have friends who want flowers, friends who want chocolates, jewels ( well, y’all know how I feel about diamonds! Now, if I could just get my husband to read my blog), nice brunch, etcetera , etcetera. If I were listing actual tangible things well, I’d say …. a breast lift, a tummy tuck, lipo, some botox, a spa day, my youth back, some energy, a Louis bag, a Birkin bag,
some Louboutin shoes,
a Range Rover, a vacation to anywhere. This is exhausting, this list could go on forever. But what I really want is what my husband is giving me… my gardens, to provide nourishment, beauty, butterflies, and to make me feel like a better Mommy. Even better than that I will be getting a weekend (oh yes a weekend, not 1 stinking day! Hell no..for carrying and birthing my two beautiful giant headed daughters? He’s lucky I don’t want an entire month!) of my husband cleaning the house, engaging the kids, cooking (oh yeah, Mr. Man can cook his bootie off. He’s already called to take my weekend order. I’m not sure , but I know Strawberry Tiramisu is on the menu somewhere), doing those damn awful dishes, and me..resting and SLEEPING! Oh yeah, you heard me right. This no sleep shit is for the birds..my doctor agrees. That’s why this Mother’s Day weekend, I’ve got a hot date with AMBIEN.Come here you lovely bitch, Mama’s been waiting a long time to hook up with you..or maybe I should say bed down cause my happy ass is sleeping in this weekend! I am so excited, I just about can’t stand it! And Sunday, after I am all rested and relaxed, Mama is going to take a bottle of wine down to the media room and watch an entire movie by myself with No interruptions! ( I am not saying to mix pills and booze. They will be taken on separate occasions…just to clarify, No pills and booze will be consumed together.) I can’t wait for Mother’s Day. Who needs fancy restaurants and gifts when I can have sleep, sanity, and PEACE!! Just imagine how much more enjoyable I will be to be around and how much more I will be able to enjoy my children after a full weekend of 8 hours of sleep a night, for the first time since my lovely Bella was conceived! God Bless you honey! I promise I will return the favor on Father’s Day!
Where’s that damn forest?
I’m looking over some recent pictures of my girls today and I notice something that stuns and really bothers me.Gabi looks like she is in a constant state of dishevelment ( this kid will not keep her hair pulled back. I can fix it 30 times a day and she still ends up looking like cousin Oscar
from the Brady bunch, or Joey Ramone, or any other long haired Joey you can imagine). This is not acceptable. Bella never went in public with her hair looking in such a state.Speaking of Bella, my beautiful free-spirited, always giggling Bella, now in her pictures she looks like she is unhappy. She is smiling but the gleam that used to be there is not there anymore and it breaks my heart. She is a tough bird. She is definitely the suck it up and chin up kinda girl. You never see her down, she won’t let you. She makes the most of all situations even if they are less than desirable. She is her Mommy’s daughter in that way.But pictures don’t lie, she looks sad in the way only a Mama would know. She’s missing her friends, her school, her play dates, her life. But she won’t complain because she is so smart and she knows this is the situation. This should not be the concern of a 5 year old.I also notice that I am suspiciously absent from most pictures these days because, to be honest, I feel as if through this last move..I’ve lost control. I’ve reverted back to my workout clothes as acceptable public clothing ( which they are not unless you are actually in the middle of working out) , I never have time to workout ( adding more guilt because I feel like the worst role model on the face of the earth), my straightener who I was using religiously has given way to the ‘ponytail’. There never seems to be enough hours in the day to accomplish all the things that I want or need to do.It’s not Gabi’s hair, my absence of interest in how I look, that’s bothering me, its the fact that the hair is a reflection of what has been going on in our lives over the past few months.It’s the light gone out of Bella’s eyes, the genuine happiness she used to radiate. Here’s how it went down; Daddy has job, Daddy loses job, Daddy gets new job, we move across the country,job down sizes Daddy after 8 months, we move back to original home ( since it never sold) , Daddy gets new job, Daddy moves to Iowa, we stay behind because job is contract. It has been madness all the way round…crippling madness.The girls cry every other night for their Daddy to tuck them in, to play with them outside, to do all the Daddy stuff that he’s always done. I think I am doing an OK job of functioning normally when Daddy is gone but obviously not. I know it, the girls have caught on and I have to change it. But how do I force myself to pull it all together when I am seriously doing the best that I can with the cards I was dealt? To make matters worse, I can’t even talk about it to anyone because…my friends here probably think “Jesus, get over it. You are home.You should be happy”. My friends still living where we most recently left, well, I am bitter because I miss them so damn much and I am here and they are there and I feel displaced. Nothing worse than feeling like life is moving on even though you are not there:)Yes, the world does not revolve around me..once again I am painfully reminded. I can’t talk to my husband because I don’t want to lay that kind of guilt on him. I know him, he’d quit and come home but then where would we be? I just keep telling myself, the best thing for us is right around the corner. I know it.There is no way we’ve gone through all this over the past 2 years for nothing ( God, I hope not).I can’t talk to my family because quite frankly, if you’ve not been in the situation you can not imagine how hard it is. It’s like childbirth, even if I told you ,you wouldn’t believe it and even if you did..you could never fathom the gaping void it leaves in your world. Here I sit, writing it all out hoping to find some catharsis. I may not be able to fix this ‘situation’ but I can fix my reaction to it. So, tomorrow, whether I feel like it or not, I will be getting “ready” before going into public. I will make myself ,once again, a priority. Because, baby, you are what you think you are and if I don’t think I am worth it, neither will anyone else. But most importantly, I am making tomorrow Bella and Gabi Day, as will be every day from now on ( well, at least most days..once in a blue moon Mama may need to keep herself sane:). For now, I have to chin up and chest out. I’m bringing back that gleam in my baby’s eyes, no matter what it takes.I just wish it didn’t take me having to look at pictures to realize what was going on right in front of me. I guess its true, sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees.
Happy! Last year before “the move” and all the chaos!
Messy hair, disingenuous happiness!
Monetizing the Hate
I saw this article from September of 2009 in Jezebel and it just made me laugh. I know most of you have heard of Heather Armstrong, she is Dooce. She is fantastic and phenomenal and she is, I’m not afraid to say it, who I aspire to be. Hell yeah! I want to be just like Dooce when I grow up. She is living my dream. She is blogging royalty!
Anyway, this article is about how she Monetizes the hate. What a fantastic idea. Can you imagine taking all of your blogging hate mail ( she gets loads because, well, people are jealous) and putting it into its own forum and surrounding it with lots of lovely ads? In effect, the very people who are trashing her and hating on her are a source of income for her. Talk about making lemonade out of lemons! More like grape juice out of sour grapes. What a bunch of assholes. Kudos to you Heather Armstrong! It is hard enough to make it as a respectable “Mommy Blogger” without people hating on you because they are jealous of your success. I think it is ingenious that she even thought to monetize the hate.And AWAY we go!
Seems like just yesterday, in fact I think it was, Gabs was saying “Me this and Me that” and now I hear the “I”s creeping in. Of course, I am proud because she is learning to talk like a big girl and use her correct pronouns. But there is something saddening about my baby turning into a little girl. It’s letting go of one phase and starting another one. Much the same as I had to do a few weeks ago when Bella decided that her lovey “Fi Fi LaRUe” (the most adorable pink poodle ever) that up until then she could not sleep without..ever ( this little guy has been same day shipped when forgotten @ Grandma’s. It was THAT serious!) is not so necessary anymore. Normally, at bed time, there is a mad scramble to find FiFi. It is a major event and Daddy and I know there will be hell to pay if that little poodle ever goes missing. But a few days ago, FiFi was missing at nap time and Bella was all like,”It’s OK Mommy. I can live with out her for one nap.” OMG! And just like that..a dagger in my heart. I could care less about what happens to FiFi. It’s not about losing FiFi, its about this being a representation of losing yet another piece of Bella’s childhood. On to the next phase we go.
Parenthood is a lot like a roller coaster. You know what’s coming…you are excited for the thrill of a lifetime. You get on and as it climbs to the top, it feels like it is dragging on forever and the trepidation is building to almost combustible levels. Then you hit the top and away you go. You are on the ride of your life and it is over in a flash. That first year of my girls’ lives, everything seemed like it was in slow motion. We were wading through blindly waiting for life to happen..first teeth, first step, first word….all kinds of firsts. Then you hit that 1 year mark,the baby’s mobile and away you go. Suddenly, your whole life is on fast forward. All you want to do is hit the brakes but there’s no stopping this coaster once it gains momentum. Here I am, right smack dab in the middle of the ride..holding on for dear life, having the thrill of my life. I just wish I could slow it down a bit and enjoy the scenery a little more. It’s going so fast, I feel like I am missing parts of the ride and afraid its going to be over way too soon.
Quick , someone tap the brakes, Mama wants to take acouplefew49,000 or so snapshots to remember the ride!
