The TRUTH About Motherhood

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Things my Daughters Taught Me
I thought this Motherhood gig was all about me shaping, molding, teaching these little, adorable human beings of mine. I knew it would be loads of work, and it is. It is a grueling 24 hour a day job that never stops. I knew (in theory) that was what I was in for but I never expected what I actually got.
As tired as I am most days and holding on for dear life to my last string of sanity, I am always amazed. I never expected to learn anything from my children. Come on, everything they know..I taught them, right? Apparently not. I guess I have to relinquish some of the pride in my nurturing because I have to admit, I’m pretty sure there is a lot of nature in it.
For instance, my 2 year old who is so honest at times that she actually scares me.Many times I have asked her to do something and she will simply say no. Ask her why, she will say because she doesn’t want to.In a world full of excuses, this little girl makes none. She is who she is, and that’s who she is..Deal with it! It used to annoy me that she would just say no she didn’t want to.Let’s be honest, us Mommies, we do a lot of things that we don’t want to. I know for a fact I don’t want to do dishes, fold laundry, cook, run errands, pay bills, keep appointments or obligations but that’s my life. That’s being an adult, right? The more I think of it, why can’t I take a cue from my 2 year old in her infinite wisdom. I mean wouldn’t it be the nicer thing to do then to be insulting and come up with ridiculous excuses why you can’t do things. I appreciate her honesty and her braveness with her integrity is admirable. When my 2 year old does decide to help you, it is whole hearted and it is selfless and it is beautiful. From my 5 year old, I have learned to be fearless. I know where she gets this, I do remember a time when that was me.Since having my girls, I have become much less reckless and more cautious because every day with them is the most important of my life. My Bella will do whatever it takes to achieve her goals. It doesn’t matter if it scares the hell outta her, she will pursue it with a fierceness. There is not much she can’t do. In fact, I don’t think there is anything that she can’t do..if she puts her mind to it. Her spirit is free and her heart is open. She loves with abandon and if you are lucky enough to be one of those who she does love; she will walk through hell to make you happy.
My daughters have reminded me that I can do anything that I set my mind to.They have also reminded me to have integrity and pride. I am embracing love with full abandon. I am learning to be honest with myself, to be fearless and to relish all that life has to offer. They have also taught me that a child’s giggle, their little hand in yours, a snuggle, a kiss goodnight, their true smile..can melt your heart and make you feel more vulnerable then you ever thought possible. They have taught me that the world is a beautiful, miraculous place where everything is possible.
2010/04/16
Anything more than One Child is like Ten Children
Every mother who has ever lived has looked at another mother and thought to herself, she’s got it all. Look how well she does mothering. She’s got her ish together. I remember looking longingly at my friend Sarah as she would get down on her knees and speak softly to her daughter when she’d done something wrong. For me, anything more than one child is like ten children but for Sarah 2 children were like 2 children and I never understood what I was doing wrong.
Now, before you get your panties in a wad, I KNOW that only children are no piece of cake. I know that you still face all the challenges as mothers with multiple children face. I understand that you are still overworked, underpaid, and unappreciated, like the rest of us. I’ve never once seen any of my friends with only children have time to sit around and eat bonbons. That’s not what I’m implying. I get all of that. I know its true.
When I only had one child, I was fatigued, stressed and had an extreme case of Mommy brain. I had all the same issues that I have now, but I could at least try to focus all of my attention on my one child and sometimes she even took naps so I got stolen moments to myself. I knew that my child was getting my undivided attention. As much as I thought my heart could not grow to accommodate another child, to my amazement it did.
I was so blinded my that new baby smell that I never let myself entertain the thought that anything more than one child is like ten children. I did, however, know that I could not simultaneously maintain my sanity and raise ten children. I come from big families, I’ve seen the collateral damage to the mothers in our family.
But I got cocky and thought to myself, “Hey, if I can handle one child, how hard can two be?” A common rookie mistake of tempting the fates. That is what I thought..until I was slapped in the face with the reality that I had to juggle a newborn and a toddler, multiply my diaper duty drastically, potty train while simultaneously trying to breastfeed, one’s learning to assert her independence and the other one is completely dependent on me, which means chasing one while dragging the other along. I had to try and coordinate nap times, feeding schedules, Little Gym, ballet, Kindermusik, and schedule bath and bedtimes around the same time.
Not going to lie, I spent a lot of my time running on Dunkin…coffee that is and pure, unconditional love. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I’m really not sure how we made it through those early years but by the grace of God and a whole lot of letting things slide. There is no room for perfection in motherhood. You prioritize healthy babies and marital happiness over cleanliness. Let that sh*t go. Let it go.
To exacerbate the situation, absolutely everything I had to do for the newborn, I had to match or top for the toddler. She was having some regression issues. I had to push a double stroller, carry a car seat while holding, what can only be called, a child leash on my toddler. I had all my balls up in the air and was just waiting for them to come crashing down on top of my head. The fun is still happening. The difference, you see, between 1 and 2+ children is this; with 1 child you have all these duties and standards and you can focus all of your time and energy on that. You will not have a life of your own but your child’s needs will, for the most part, be met.
When you add another child to the mix, you have to divide your time and your attention. Your love will double but the rest will have to be divided. This is compounded by an extreme case of Mommy guilt because you always feel like one of your balls is dropping and you don’t want your child to pay the price. I mean seriously, who wants to be fodder for future therapy sessions?
When I say anything more than one child is like ten children, what I mean is it’s the hardest job that you’ll ever love.
With each child, we loosen our grip on some of our balls and some of our sanity. Unfortunately, the more balls that are in the air, the easier they are to drop.
2010/04/21
Throat Punch Thursday: Mean Girl Edition
Well, there is an abundance of candidates this week for Throat punch Thursday, as you can see from my previous CNN streaming posts. Apparently, the world is coming to an end with all these maniacs on the loose. I really was a tortured soul trying to decide who was the biggest douche bag this week and deserved the coveted and well deserved throat punch. You know the Lopez family who brutalized that little 5 month old? Well, they were the forerunner. I really thought they had it in the bag. Then ,something more personal came along.You see, in the right hand column of my blog I post the blogs that I personally love. These are not just blogs that follow me or that giveaway the best prizes, no these gals are my support system. They are who I turn to when I need understanding, a good laugh, wit, but mostly sisterhood. Other Mommies who I can relate to and are pretty damn good writers as well. That’s why I feature them in that column under the header “BLOGS I LOVE”. They exemplify sisterhood and what Motherhood is really about… being able to laugh at yourself and enjoying the journey, all the while letting other Mommies know they are not alone in this craziness and that its ok to be human. We all write our blogs for different reasons; for some its just to chronicle their childrens lives, some its a business opportunity a way to feel useful and contribute to the family finances, for some its catharsis, some its for sisterhood, for some its to expand their writing horizons and for others its for all of thee above. No matter the reason, they are sharing their lives. WE share our successes and our stumbles so that others may know that they are not alone and being imperfect is all a part of being a good parent. We offer the most precious thing we have to offer, we give ourselves. It’s humbling and freeing. When the feedback is good, we feel amazing and when it is bad,we take it personally. No grudges, normally, but it still stings the soul just a bit. There are ways to do things without being an asshole. You know what I mean. A backhanded compliment is always better than a “YOU SUCK!” It’s rude, even if you’re not trying to be. My point being the winner of the Throat Punch goes to the reader who commented on a fellow bloggers site and told her “Not to be Rude” ( that’s never good) then the comment went on to state that the blog isn’t up to the standard it used to be and this person is concerned that she is going to lose followers.Wow! When did we get the blog police? Or maybe she is just a concerned citizen making a citizens blog arrest. If the lady really cared maybe she should have asked.”Are you OK? From your blog, I know you’ve been sick and so has your child. Feel better!” But to kick someone when they are so obviously already not feeling well, that’s big time douchery in my book! To make it even worse, the commenter doesn’t even have her own blog. So, she has no idea what it takes to maintain a blog. She probably isn’t even a Mom, explaining why she has no tolerance for a busy Mommy with a sick baby! I know that when we open our lives up to people in our blogs we are inviting them in. It’s like”Hey come on in, have a seat , lets drink some coffee ( or wine) and have a chat!” It’s pretty rude, when they come in and throw the coffee in your face, flip the table and say “What a dirty house! Can’t you get up off your lazy ass and clean once in awhile!” Not to be rude, but I’m just saying! So, this weeks Throat Punch goes to the anonymous reader who left the shitty comment for the sick Mommy blogger( the operative world being Mommy. I mean how much do we have on our plates just raising our little pieces of perfection. Do we really need to be insulted that we are dropping the ball elsewhere?)! Shame on you! Now, come over here so I can punch you in the throat!
2010/05/27
Truthful/Tell All Tuesday; June 15, 2010
OK, Ladies it is Tuesday and time for all of us to expunge all the crapola on our minds..lighten our load by getting rid of all that Mommy guilt! Move back, I am really about to unload and I don’t want any of you to get hit by all the shit that will be flying.
1) I really hate Mommy guilt. It is a useless emotion, it serves no purpose, and it only incurs more guilt. From the comments I received on my last post, I’d say I may have contributed to a few of you feeling some pangs of guilt. So, forgive me and don’t feel guilty about not getting that baby book up to date. Feel great that you are so engaged with your children that you have NO frigging time to sit on your ass and organize a baby book. You girls rock!
2) In the spirit of throwing the Mommy guilt out of the window, I HATE that I don’t take my kids outside nearly as much as I should because its too frigging hot. I know that is no excuse but I do make sure they are engaged and active. They have been working out with me. Plus, we still do fun stuff. For example, today we pitched a hello kitty tent, dressed in our finest dress up dresses, snacked on homemade granola and watched Shirley Temple’s “The Little Princess” ( yeah, I know it is as old as dirt but its wholesome and its based on one of my favorite books in the world..Sara Crewe!) The girls loved it. The only reason I feel any guilt at all about this staying indoors is because a nosy old neighbor came over the other day, introduced herself( yes, I had never met her before), and said ” Why don’t you have your girls outside that often?” As I found myself explaining that I don’t fancy letting a 3 & 5 year old loose in a yard unsupervised and I have things to do inside ( like clean, and work…I actually have a job online), I saw that disapproving look in her eyes and then she said. “Well, if they ever need to get out and play and you are BUSY ( I could so hear the implied too before the busy)….come get me. I can push them on the swing set.” Nice old lady? I think not.As if I am going to leave my girls outside under the supervision of some crazy old lady. Hey, being 100 isn’t a background check. I don’t know you! But she did leave me feeling like a complete shit. Here is an , albeit complete stranger, old lady chomping at the bit to push my kids on the swings and I am “too busy”. I felt like dirt.
3) I love when I get more followers and comments, it feels empowering and I feel like I am secretly moving towards my goal of being a published writer. SHhhhhh,lalallalala..I can’t hear you. I know you are thinking to yourself..it’s just a blog…get a grip! I know, but one has to start somewhere. Ponder this, the entity that is Dooce started with a blog.
4)I love my girls so much and worry on a daily basis that I a fucking them up. You know sort of like how a car starts depreciating the moment it leaves the lot..well, I feel like due to my inexperience, my kids are depreciating every second since they left the womb. Lord give me guidance and help me to keep them safe, healthy, and happy…..and to give them the world! No pressure or anything.
5)With full disclosure, I must add. I have been known to roar, complain,labor, on the fine points of Motherhood. For the last couple of weeks, some new power has come over me. I am not complaining, I’m just a little freaked out by it. I have actually found myself being able to remove myself from the moment, think, and then react. It’s quite amazing. I do, in that respect, feel like a much better Mommy. Remember, just last month I was roaring at the girls. The only thing is now..I’m waiting for my super power to leave and all hell to break loose! No judging, Judgy McJudges. This is a place to get it out and get it off your chest. Not a place to be analyzed. Happy Mothering!
P.S. Did I forget to mention how awful I feel that I have clean laundry folded and stacked up to the ceiling( Not really, but it feels like it)! I swear I’d put it away…if there were any room left !! I feel like I am playing a losing game of musical laundry, every time I have people over I have to find somewhere to ‘hide’ the laundry. I have a play date tomorrow, guess Mommy’s closet will be bursting. Note to self, shut your bedroom door before company arrives.
2010/06/15
Coitus Interrruptus
Big Guy:” The Kids asleep?”
Me: “Yeah, we better hurry. You know they’ll be waking up soon for… something….anything”
Big Guy: “OK. where do you want to do this?The kids are in our bed right? How about the living room?”
Me:”No way, we’re too exposed. We’d be right out in the open.”
Big Guy:” How about Bella’s room?”
Me: “NO, that’s right across from our room..they’d walk in and there we’d be. It’s too easy to get caught!”
Big Guy: “What about Gabs room? They’d have to make a turn, we’d have a warning!”
Me: “Sounds good, but not in the bed..that would be gross!”
Big Guy:” OK, so we got about 10 minutes on Gabs’ bedroom floor?”
Me:”Yep!”
Big Guy:” GO!”
Sound familiar? I know I am not the only one with co-sleepers, or small children in general. This was NOT in the baby handbook! How people have more than 2 kids, I will never know. It must be pure unadulterated dumb luck. I know how we go the first one, we were alone, we were married, we lived in Tennessee and nothing was on TV so we got a lot of practice entertaining ourselves! Then we went on a romantic getaway with nothing to do but linger in each others arms. BAM! There ya go! But number 2, that baby was conceived on a Labor Day afternoon while a baby napped, Daddy had the day off, and Mommy was feeling frisky. Now, fast forward to 3 years later..there is no way that we could conceive another one. Love making has been reduced to an Olympic qualifying sport.It’s all about being very strategic and very fast, rushed and quiet (Sush, you’ll wake the girls).There’s no falling into it, no looking longingly into each others eyes with that hungry look. We still have those hungry looks but now its usually a hunger for sleep.
We’ve never really been busted, probably because we are like merry minstrels roaming from room to room to find a spot to engage in the occasional coitus. Making matters worse, now he is always out of town for business so that leaves me with only 3 nights and 3 days of potential love making to choose from. So, if I say I’m too tired or I’ve got a headache, I have to think carefully because the opportunity may not present itself again until the following week.(Yes, a whole week more)Who are we kidding, you can’t make “love” in that sliver of time we are allotted after our kids fall asleep and before the first time they wake up for water, the potty, nightmares, what have you.Let’s call it what it is, we are making a quickie and sometimes we can’t even get through that before someone wakes up and calls out. Nothing like being almost there, and having to go soothe a cryer back to sleep. That will dry you up quicker than a shot of Sudaphed.Don’t worry Daddies, I’m pretty sure it can shrivel your junk up too, within a matter of seconds. Thank God its the quality and not the quantity that counts. Quality is fantastic, quantity, well, we need to clear up some scheduling conflicts…like children running a muck and working out of town! I never understood what the hell all this “I have a headache” stuff was about. Then I had kids and I realized, the headache of which they speak is the headache it is to try and choreograph “Special” time with your partner.
Sometimes, you just need a back rub and that’s it. It’s not code for anything but I’m tired and my damn back hurts from chasing and lugging kids all day. Can you help a Mama out and just rub my back? But we can’t even get through that without someone waking up, calling out, or creeping up on us.I have been busted getting a late night massage in front of the fire place, thank God it hadn’t evolved any further. That’s why I know the living room is too exposed. I have a friend who told me that her and her husband used to rendezvous in their closet for “special” time, away from the prying ears of their teenagers. My closet just isn’t big enough for those kind of escapades. Her and her husband are both on the smaller side. My husband is a giant and I’m life size not fun sized, so there’s no way that could happen in my house. Plus with all that clean laundry that’s hiding out in my closet floor, there’s no room left for love making…unless the big guy wants to hump my clean nighties that are in desperate need of being put away. He never sees them on anymore, so I am sure one look at them and he’d be done.
How do you coordinate special time? Dose the kiddies with Benadryl? Lock the doors and turn out the lights and pretend no ones home? During nap time? Where do you have to hide to get your groove on? I need suggestions, I am running out of rooms that are safe. I was thinking about the basement but then I’d die if one of the kids woke up, came looking for us, and fell down the stairs. Oh, the joys of Motherhood! Happy Parenting!
2010/06/23
Slipping through my Fingers~It won’t be like this for long
Slipping through my fingers~ It won’t be like this for long. I know it seems like I have been dwelling on this topic lately but its just been that kind of a week. My little girls seem to be growing up at lightening speed this summer and, quite honestly, its breaking my heart a little bit. Where did my chubby little newborns crying for me to breastfeed them in the middle of the night go? I may have been terminally exhausted but it was a blissful exhaustion. I wore my exhaustion proudly as some sort of badge, screaming to the world, I am A Mommy! I am AWESOME!
Slipping through my Fingers
It’s true there is a feeling of entitlement that comes with giving birth. Nothing feels quite like it. Sure, I complained about having no sleep, and was constantly questioning the Gods why she never stopped crying. But secretly,(shhhh) I really didn’t mind at all. Much like I never really minded the unplanned co-sleeping, kissing booboos, or being the only person who could make their world right again. The same way I never minded having to lay down and cuddle them to get them to sleep, or have a lost lovey fed exed in from Grandma ChaCha because my toddler was inconsolable nor did I mind the tears they shed when I left them for the first time with someone else because ,secretly, I loved it all!I love being their everything even if it is a drag sometimes.
It seemed a lifetime before my little babies were capable of doing the simplest of tasks. Then ,it was like I looked away for a moment and suddenly , they were capable. Every milestone filled us with elation and pride. That first word couldn’t come fast enough; hearing their voices for the first time was like hearing the voice of God. Then quickly came rolling over, crawling, cruising, walking, etc..it all happened so fast it was like every accomplishment was hurled at me and knocked me onto my ass to sit helplessly and be witness to it all. The thing that no one ever tells you is that with every single new accomplishment, new worries ensue. Of course I wanted them to be more independent. But with each iota of independence they gained, I had to relinquish a little bit of my heart. I am so proud to be the Mommy of such bright and independent little girls, but the pride is short lived and quickly heartache takes its place, as I realize soon ….they won’t need me at all!
I can hardly believe how fast these past 5 years have passed and how much my life has changed from having my girls. Having them has certainly given me a greater purpose and increased my quality of life exponentially, in most regards. I can barely stand the thought that one day, in the not so distant future, I won’t be able to see them every day, and worse, they won’t mind.Why doesn’t anyone tell us about this before we get pregnant. The letting go has got to be the hardest part of Motherhood. I used to think they couldn’t live without me, but really, it’s me who will have difficulty surviving without seeing them every day. How do you survive when your heart has left your body? How do you function? They are like oxygen to my soul.Not in some creepy,I’m going to lock them in the basement until they are 40 type of way, I just mean how can you love someone so much and be expected to exist without them in your life at full capacity?
These precious moments that we have the privilege of being part of in our children’s lives pass by far too quickly.My rational self knows this is how this relationship is supposed to play out; my heart, however, has major problems with this whole situation and I am not afraid tell you, I think it is is trying to organize a coup on my good sense.This makes me reexamine my relationship with my own Mother. One day it will be me waiting patiently at home for my girls to call, and its likely that the calls will never come soon or frequent enough. Soon, I will be the one wanting and needing their attention. Sorry, Mom! Hey, karma..pay attention, none of this coming back around shit! I said I was sorry! Mom already has you working in cahoots with her to give me ” a couple little girls that act just like you (me)!” So, karma, lets stop all the craziness. I don’t want what I gave , I want more from my relationship with my own girls!
I just hope the Mother /Daughter relationship with my girls grows into friendship as they grow up.I want to be a woman who they look up to , want to emulate, and spend time with because of the kind of woman I am not just because they have to because I gave birth to them. I want them to come to me for advice and honesty and value my opinion. This is something that I have to work at now, because it won’t be like this for long.
But for now, I am going to cherish every single moment of co-sleeping snuggling and random “I LOVE YOU”s that I can get my hands on!
I had to share this video because, as some of you know, this is the song that my Bella looked me in the eyes and said ,”Mommy, this is me and your song!” She was dead serious and I was stopped dead in my tracks and brought to tears; as I am every single time I hear this damn song!I’m telling you, these girls of mine…they have got to stop growing up so fast!

2010/07/22
Back-to-School ~Stop that Train, I Want to Get Off
It’s back-to-school already! My girls start back to school in a couple days and I am decidedly simultaneously ecstatic and sad about back-to-school. Last year, my baby entered kindergarten and while trepedatious I was completely ecstatic to have the day to myself for the first time in 7 years. Then on the first day of school, I was promptly grief stricken. Alone. Crying because I was alone. What the hell was wrong with me? My baby was gaining independence at lightening speed and her childhood was a runaway train. Stop.that.train!
I should have been dancing around the house in my undies, playing air guitar and celebrating my hard earned freedom. Instead, I sat on my couch looking out the window sobbing at my computer, counting the minutes until my babies were back in my arms; the very place from which I was pushing them out the door that morning. The duplicitous of motherhood; it’s enough to make you crazy.
This year is different. I know they are both going to school. I know they both love it and I know their teachers. There is nothing scary about this year. Only the summer went by way too fast and now, I am regretting all the lost moments that I should have spent enjoying my children instead of swatting them away and shooing them into another room so that I could complete my work. It sucked. I sucked and I have the guilt to prove it.
This summer did serve one purpose though, it has taught me to appreciate the moments and to know that next summer, work will have to wait. My girls will always come first. You know the nature of my business is to be a mommy. I write about being a mom in all of it’s many facets. So, when I am doing a shitty job of it; being a mom, not writing about being a mom, it makes me feel like a fraud because in the end, I want to be great mom not a great writer writing about being a mom. So, this summer has taught me some things. The most important being that childhood is fleeting and the older my girls get, the faster the summers go.
It’s like life is this crazy carnival ride we are on together and it just keeps speeding up. It goes by so fast some times that I feel like I just might get sick. Wasn’t it just year that my daughters were born? Wasn’t it just a few months ago that they learned to talk and walk and say “ I Love you”? Where did the time go?
My oldest is 8 and almost as tall as I am. She is becoming such a beautiful and amazing young lady; full of personality and wit. She’s thoughtful and caring and I see sincerity and loyalty in her eyes. Her thoughts and opinions are no longer something I told her, she is forming her own beliefs. I can still see the cherubesque little face I once held in my arms as she looked up at me like I was her everything but it is evolving into the woman she will someday be and it will be here before you know it.
My 6-year-old is funny, silly, beautiful and charming. Her passion and fierce convictions about life teeter on scaring me at times. She has been and will always be an ask permission later kind of child. She’s still small enough to cuddle up into my lap and she loves to cuddle with me at night. I should be forcing her to sleep in her bed alone but, my God, in no time she will not need or want me to cuddle her to sleep. So, I take it all in sucking every bit of marrow out of their childhood. I want to linger awhile and watch them sleep, listen to them speak and truly hear what they are saying.
School starts back on Wednesday and I am going to make today and tomorrow count because once these last days of summer vacation are gone, they are gone forever. Moments in life cannot be DVRed and rewound, they have to be lived while they are happening or they are lost forever. Stop. This. Train. I want to get off.
What are you going to miss the most when your children go back to school?
2013/08/12
The Moments that Take Your Breath Away
This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of the Home Run Inn pizza.
Have you ever had one of those days that are so hectic that you just can’t seem to catch your breath? As parents, those early days seem so long and exhausting and we spend a lot of the time wishing for tomorrow when things will be easier. Suddenly, they begin to fly by and in the blink of an eye, their childhood is slipping through your fingers. Days that used to be filled with random hugs and holding helpless little babies are suddenly filled, from sunrise to sunset, with scheduled activities and obligations. Blink once more and your once “helpless” baby is leaving home for college.
When we are in the thick of parenting a small child, it’s easy to forget to “live in the moment” and enjoy the subtle nuances of motherhood. Who can think of stepping back and enjoying a moment when you are overwhelmed by a toddler and a newborn who are depending on you for everything, right.this.moment? It’s nearly impossible to relax enough to enjoy parenting when you are actually parenting, if you are not reminded. Parenting is challenging work. It’s taken me a couple years to figure this out but I’ve realized, making memories is not about buying the perfect toy or throwing the perfect birthday party.It’s not about the “perfect” thing. It’s not the Christmas gifts or the extravagance of the family vacations that your children will look back on in 30 years and remember about their childhood. It’s about how they felt in those moments; how it smelled, tasted, looked and sounded. That’s what they will remember.

I still remember Sunday mornings in our house growing up, the house always smelled like gravy and biscuits. I know that we all went to church and wore our Sunday best but what I remember most vividly and fondly are the smells of breakfast cooking after mass. The laughter that filled the house as we all joked around together. The sight of my brothers and sisters talking or my dad sneaking a quick kiss from my mom, when they thought no one was paying attention, as he peeked in to see how much longer until breakfast was ready. I have no idea what the clothes we wore were or how much they cost. It’s all about the way it felt to be there in that kitchen on those Sunday mornings. That’s what I want for my girls.I want them to one day look back fondly on our time together and long for that time and space.
In our house, Friday night is family night. We all know this. We never make plans with anyone else. There are no date nights, activities scheduled or birthday party invites accepted. Friday nights are just for the four of us. It usually means take out and watching television or a movie together but sometimes it means a frozen pizza, eaten on the couch as we laugh and enjoy each other’s company. I grew up in the Chicagoland area, so I sometimes choose Home Run Inn pizza. Not only does it remind me of home, it’s also all natural and made with real cheese and no preservatives, so I can feel good about feeding it to my family.

I know in 30 years my girls won’t remember what movie we watched together, who wore what or even what we ate but they will remember the gooey cheese filled smiles, the laughter, the unconditional love and acceptance that you feel in those moments shared with people you love. Maybe someday when they are having family night with their own children and the smell of pizza wafts through the house, they will remember two things 1) how unconditionally and completely loved they were by us and 2) to stop , look around and enjoy those moments with their own children.
Have you tried Home Run Inn pizza before? What taste transports you back to a favorite memory?

Disclosure: This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of the Home Run Inn pizza.
Photo: Webb Zahn, SitsGirls
2014/02/15
IT Chapter Two Review No-Spoiler
We’ve waited for 2 years for IT Chapter Two the movie. Stephen King’s IT has always had a special place in my heart. IT was one of the first horror novels that I read as a young adult, back when I was my daughter’s age. It was also one of the first horror movies that I watched and from there, my love for horror movies grew. Anyone who knows me knows that horror is, by far, my favorite genre.
IT Chapter 1 was the first horror movie that I was able to watch with both of my daughters. I watched as they were enthralled and fell in love with the horror genre as much as I am. This was a new phase in motherhood. Finally, I could share my love of fall, Halloween and horror movies with my daughters. I imagined long weekends cuddled up on the sectional together being scared and excitedly dissecting plots and antagonists.
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Today, we went and saw our first supernatural horror film together as a family. Talk about going big or going home. IT Chapter 2 has a run-time of 167 minutes and an all-star cast. The film is directed by Andy Muschietti and written by Gary Dauberman. Set in 2016, 27 years after the events depicted in the first film, it stars Jessica Chastain, James McAvoy, Bill Hader, Isaiah Mustafa, Jay Ryan, James Ransone, and Andy Bean as the adult versions of the Losers’ Club. Jaeden Martell, Sophia Lillis, Finn Wolfhard, Chosen Jacobs, Jeremy Ray Taylor, Jack Dylan Grazer, and Wyatt Oleff reprise their roles as the younger Losers, while Bill Skarsgård also returns as Pennywise the Dancing Clown.
IT Chapter Two brings the Losers Club back in full force.
Defeated by members of the Losers’ Club, the evil clown Pennywise returns 27 years later to terrorize the town of Derry, Maine, once again. Now, adults, childhood friends have long since gone their separate ways. But when people start disappearing, Mike Hanlon calls the others home for one final stand. Damaged by scars from the past, the united Losers must conquer their deepest fears to destroy the shape-shifting Pennywise — now more powerful than ever.
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IT Chapter Two had some stellar acting (particularly Hader and Skarsgård) especially the kids. The themes and faithfulness to the novel were definitely on point. Though the runtime seemed excessive and I would not consider it a horror film. It was a great film to see with my tween and teen in the theater. No one ended up in my bed that night with nightmares but if you are looking for a fright, IT Chapter two is going to leave you wanting.
Don’t get me wrong. IT is very entertaining and, in my opinion, a much better version of the original film. However, aside from a couple of jump scares from Skarsgård’s character, Pennywise, I wasn’t scared at all. But if you pay attention, it is a thriller/mystery and not listed as a horror film. If you go into it knowing that, you will enjoy the film a lot more.
IT Chapter Two is ambitious and thought-provoking.
It is an intellectual thriller. It tackles some deeper themes like childhood trauma, loss of innocence and memory loss. In the last film, the Losers club (stuttering leader Bill (Jaeden Martell), wisecracking Richie (Finn Wolfhard), hypochondriac Eddie (Jack Dylan Grazer), rebellious Beverly (Sophia Lillis), history buff Mike (Chosen Jacobs), intellectual Stanley (Wyatt Oleff) and gentle-hearted new kid Ben (Jeremy Ray Taylor) ) defeated child-murdering Pennywise and took a blood oath to return to Derry, Maine, if he ever came back.
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Set in 2016, 27 years after the original film takes place, everyone has grown up and moved away all but forgotten about what happened to them as children in Derry and the horrors that the suffered at the hand of Pennywise the clown. Bill (James McAvoy) is a successful horror writer, Stan (Andy Bean) an accountant, Richie (Bill Hader) a popular stand-up comedian. Only Mike (Isaiah Mustafa) stayed in town, and he alone remembers everything that happened when they were kids.
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Derry kids start going missing again and creepy messages like “Come home” appear. Mike calls the Losers home to stay true to their blood oath. The reunion at the Chinese restaurant is one of the movie’s best scenes, as they quickly fall back into their old friendships.
The group must discover the origins of the dark force cursing Derry. Each one has to do his or her part to find their token that will lead to the final face-off with Pennywise.
Pennywise sparingly makes appearances in the movie. Skarsgard makes each moment count. His Pennywise is sinister yet comical with a heavy tinge of human. But there’s a lot of real monsters in this world from a hate crime early on to instances of domestic abuse. Thankfully, Hader’s Richie adds some levity to this film noir.
IT Chapter Two is Not What You Expected
In the end, IT Chapter Two is a film about friendship and love. Faith in your friends and sticking up for one another, having each other’s backs and standing up for what’s right is what matters most whether you’re a kid or an adult. We all need those people who know us and love us even when life makes us our most unlovable.
As a thriller and mystery, I’d give It Chapter Two a 4.5 out of 5 stars and it’s the perfect scary-ish film to see with your teen if they are able to handle some of the mature themes like domestic abuse, gay-bashing and inferred sexual abuse. My girls already know about these things and know the real world is scarier than any horror movie. If your kid likes shows like Stranger Things and isn’t terrified of clowns, they should be fine to watch IT Chapter Two.
Will you be seeing IT Chapter Two? If you’ve already seen IT what are your thoughts?
2019/09/06
Lost Baby

Lost baby. No crying. You’re lost to me. Helpless, my only option to carry on. 4 years ago today, I lost my world as I knew it and what was to become of it. My life was shattered into a million pieces and scattered to the wind, blown around the universe like a zillion tiny particles of air. But with all that “air” blowing around, for the life of me, I couldn’t breathe all I could do was cry for my lost baby. I cried until I no longer had any tears. I cried until I felt numb. I cried until I felt like an empty shell of who I was.
I couldn’t speak. Words failed me. They formed at machine gun speed in my broken mind but got caught in my throat and I nearly choked to death on them, right there in the parking lot of my OB, again in my bed and for several months following. The emotional time bombs of grief that come with a mother’s loss blew up beneath my feet and left me in tattered, bloody parts; strewn far and wide.
All I could do, while witnessing the end of my world, was fall to my knees, howl at the world and sob inconsolably at the inhumanity that the world had thrust upon me. I could not draw breath in the fog of my sadness; I suffocated beneath the weight of loss a little more with each passing breath I took. Each time more painful; crueler.
They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle but I felt as if God gave me so much more credit than I deserved.
The entire world came crashing head on at me and I was stunned, dumbfounded and all I could do was wait to see if I could withstand the impact. I braced myself and prayed for swift death.
I’m not meant to survive this sort of blow. It’s too much. I didn’t even want to come out the other end because I knew, in that one moment, I would never be the same. I would be changed forever and there is no coming back from that. There is only surviving and that’s not the same as living, as you were.
For months, there was only sobbing and darkness. Solitude and Vicodin were my only comfort. I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, I wanted to fade into forever because I was no longer any good to anyone. What good is a mother without her child? What is a childless mother? This was not how nature intended it.
Lost baby.
In the mirror, all I saw was pain and loneliness. All that I could feel was overwhelming anger and bitterness. I was in the deepest recesses of hell and no one could reach me, save for my living children. Like a tether to life, like a far off whisper begging me to step back from that ledge. I had one foot here and one foot in another world, lingering in the loss. All I wanted to do was step off that ledge.
I couldn’t make out where I belonged. All I knew is that it hurt to breath. It was torture to exist. I wanted to die. I deserved to be dead. I didn’t deserve to live. I had failed my child.
I don’t know if I’ve ever said that out loud but it’s how I felt. How could I live, knowing the child growing inside me had died? A part of my soul had died. The best part of me ceased to exist. I felt worthless and worse, undeserving to even love the children I had because in losing one, I had failed them all.
It still hurts; not every day and not always. But I feel like I’ve spent the past 4 years changing and hiding in the shadows; afraid the sadness would find me and inflict it’s cruel punishment once again. The grief is too unbearable.
But I hear my daughters laughing and something inside me, tells me that I deserve to know this happiness. I don’t have to feel guilty for living and loving these girls because it’s not wrong to go on living for them. It’s not wrong to feel pride, unconditional love and overwhelming gratitude for the gift of motherhood. I deserve to be here and it doesn’t diminish the loss because I’ve been able to carry on when once all I could do was cry.
I think of my baby that I lost, every single day. I am mother to three children. If I’m lucky, I get another 50 years on this earth with my girls and then, I look forward to finally meeting the child I never got to hold but have always loved just as much as I do my other two. One day, we will all be together and I deserve to live, to thrive, until that day because my children deserve nothing less; I deserve nothing less.
As long as I can draw breath into my body, I will love you always my lost baby.
2016/05/01