The TRUTH About Motherhood

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Resolving to Incite a Revolution
Resolving to incite a revolution ~I am way past the point of making resolutions.After all, what the hell is a resolution anyways, nothing more than an empty promise, a flimsy threat at the most.Nope this year, I am declaring war. I’m inciting a revolution.I am resigning myself to a little shock and awe!

*No MORE Cheating! You heard me. I don’t mean that I’m cheating on the Big Guy, never! I mean cheating on diets, cheating myself out of life, cheating myself short on opportunities, cheating my girls out of my complete attention and devotion.

*Embracing Exhaustion! Oh yeah, I am about to make it my mission to exhaust every single iota of potential that these bones have in them. No more sitting on the sidelines letting life happen to me or waiting for things to be done for me, this broad is grabbing life by the balls and making him my bitch. I am going to work this potential so hard, its not going to know which way is up. As the old cheer goes, “Be aggressive..B*EE* EE Agressive!” I’m about to be the change I want to see in my world!

Resolving to incite a revolution
*Organization, Organization, Location! I am a planner, a scheduler, a write it down on paper and DOER! Life seems to have gotten out of control.I don’t mean a little bit off kilter, I mean it has spun right the hell off its axis.Well, NO MORE! Hey, life! Guess what? I AM IN CHARGE..NOT YOU! So, I’m putting pen to paper ( yes, I’m old school like that sometimes) and I’m making a schedule. I’m waking up earlier, getting more sleep, not rushing through life because I’ve planned accordingly, and ( because I am still a bit reckless) I’m even allowing copious amounts of free time for spontaneity.

*Love Hard, Love often! I am making sure that the Big Guy and the girls know how much I love them and how important they are to me. I’m not referring to telling them, speaking the words. I do this already, several times a day. In fact, I’ve told the girls ( constantly) since birth “Guess what? I have a secret.Want to know what it is?” They used to get all excited, their eyes like saucers and ask”Yes, Mommy. What is it?” My answer, I’d bend down and whisper in their tiny ear ,” I Love you more than anything.” Now, they just give me a sheepish smile and say, “What is it Mommy? Tell me!” But more than saying the words, I want to show them with my thoughts and actions.I want to be present in every moment with these family and friends that I have been blessed to be surrounded by in my life. I want them to know in their heart that when I say “I love you” it means..forever, for always, for good, for bad, for ups, for downs, for skinny, for fat, for Always. When they speak, I want them to know I am listening and that what they say matters to me. No more decorum.I am loving on my littles, the Big Guy, my family and friends with an embarrassing amount of exuberance. I want them to feel it to their core…I love them.

Resolving to incite a revolution
*Prioritize, Perspective, and Present The only way to get it all done, in conjunction with my handy schedule, I have to prioritize what’s really important to me and my family. This depends on my perspective. I am choosing to utilize my own perspective ..finally. I am not considering all the outside factors, aside from my girls. I’m also willfully choosing to see life as ALWAYS half full and at my dispense because, in reality, it is. My only limitations have been those I’ve set upon myself. No more! Last but not least, I’m living in the moment. I’m embracing every stinking moment as it happens. I’m not planning for next year, next week, tomorrow…I’m living in the now..RIGHT NOW,with my girls and the Big Guy. I want to enjoy the small things of my life as they happen, not in 20 years in retrospect as a memory. I want to feel the full effect of my life.

*Forgiveness I am forgiving myself for not being perfect. I am not the perfect wife. I am not the perfect Mom. I am not the perfect friend or daughter.I don’t have the perfect body. I don’t have the perfect house. My temper leaves something to be desired. I over extend myself. I expect too much from myself and others. I fall short, in a lot of ways. But that doesn’t mean that my efforts do not have merit. I am hitting reset for everyone I know. I’m passing out forgiveness like kool aid at a Jonestown party. NO more Mommy guilt, no more fatty McFatty guilt, no more I’m not the perfect wife.My house is disheveled. My kids aren’t perfect.No more, I wish I was Bree Van De Kamp bullshit. From this moment forward, I am going to try my best at every endeavor that I choose to undertake with my priority being excelling at being a good example of a the kind of woman I want my daughters to see me as. I will never be perfect, and that is perfectly acceptable, as long as I am living my life as the best me.

*Incite a Revolution I’m initiating a change in my way of life. I am actively taking steps to become the person that I want to be.That woman who lives inside of me and has been too afraid for a long time to take a gamble.The woman who, even though I hate to admit this, I have realized has been so afraid of failure that I have let it stave off success. No More! No more excuses. I’m not afraid of failure anymore.If I fall, I will just pick myself up and try, try again!But today, I am inciting a revolution between the version of myself that I’ve let myself get comfortable with and the woman I know I can be. I’m starting by setting fire to excuses and self doubt and I’m marching forward with self confidence.

What have you resolved to incite revolution about in your New Year? How are you going to go about succeeding? Happiest of New Years! Hang on to your hats ladies, it’s going to be battle of epic proportions but everything worth having in this life is worth fighting for!
The Revolution Starts Today
2011/01/03
RAW

If you have landed here tonight looking for whimsy, snark, or a mommy truism; you may want to stop reading. No, tonight is a post for me. Sometimes you just need a post where you can get it all out of your system; where you can rage, wallow, and come out the other end a stronger, better person for surviving. That’s what this post is going to be. This is me trying not to drown. If you are a woman and you’ve ever felt swelled up, rolled, and pinched into the corner that is your life and the gravity of reality has hit you all at once like a ton of bricks, this may be a post you can relate to. If not, I am happy for you.You are dismissed…
Today, I woke up after 10 full hours of sleep. Probably the most peaceful rest I’ve had in months, truly. My sleep is about as effective and complete as my 3 year old cleaning her room.Some things may get moved around, she goes through the motions, but in the end, the effort was useless.The room is NEVER any cleaner,but there is a perceived sense of “cleaned”..but not really. Every night, I more or less pass out from exhaustion than drift off into peaceful slumber.When I do go to sleep, its that Mommy one eye open, both ears functioning like dogs, and I wake if the dog farts in another room..across the house. It’s just the way I’m built. Probably much like you. But last night was different,last night..I relaxed before bed time ( like I did before kids), I watched a movie, and a let myself “fall” into sleep. It was glorious. I always took that for granted but it really is a wonderful thing to experience. But then I woke up.

Funny thing about a full night of restful sleep.It gives your mind time to rest, relax, repair itself and, heaven forbid, in my case, think clearly. I woke up this morning and the fog had lifted off my brain.Anyone who’s followed me for any length of time, knows my story. Quick recap; The Big Guy lives in another state Sunday through Friday ( due to work location)for the past 11 months. We (myself and my two littles) live here ( due to several external factors). He comes home on Friday nights ( this is my Christmas each and every week). It is hard. Really, really hard…on all of us.But we’ve been doing it for so long that I am on autopilot most days.Basically, living for the next Friday, the month, the year when this horrible living arrangement is over.Always, looking toward the end in sight.Worst of all; I love my husband.I honestly, truly; really love my husband and more than that I like him.
But this morning, with the fog dissipated and my brain functioning at full capacity, all of the sudden reality slapped me right across the face with the force of freight train and I could no longer restrain myself from facing reality. I had to get it out.I tried to hold it in. After all,the Big Guy is in this same situation and I try not to let on how hard this is for me. I admit to having a mini meltdown every 3 months or so, but this was like nothing I’ve ever felt. It was overwhelming, raw pain. It was like losing someone, or something and then I realized..I am. We are being robbed of our life together. It’s NOT fair.
I guess I should tell you the whole story of this morning.I woke up fine and then, I realized it was Sunday ( which means the Big Guy is leaving..again) which normally leaves me with a knot in the pit of my stomach but today it was like somebody stabbed me in the chest. At that very moment, I was making breakfast for the girls who have decided that they are going to refuse me everything I offer them, at least three times. And that is what cracked me. I started to tear up, I couldn’t eat because I couldn’t swallow anything with that giant lump in my throat and I walked away so the girls wouldn’t see. My emotions were overwhelming me.I was drowning.
Then lunch rolled around, I served the girls lunch..same thing.They didn’t like what it was, why did I give them this;I should know better; and they both refused again. To which, the weight was too much and I broke. I started to cry this time, part anger; part despair; part frustration. Then I went to the bathroom and I cried for what seemed like forever but I think it was more like 45 minutes.Every time, I thought I was done I’d remember one more piece of shit that was piled on my plate. Finally, I pulled it together enough to come out of the bathroom.The Big Guy was concerned and checking on me, I think he thought I was trying to escape down the toilet bowl. I felt as though I had some catharsis, crying my heart out..there in my desperately needing to be cleaned bathroom. Then I came out.
He had sent the girls to their rooms and the Big Guy was helping me take down the Christmas tree in silence and then I opened my mouth to speak. My heart was heavy, so heavy that I felt as though trying to force the words out of my mouth might choke me to death but I had to do it. He stood there in silence and listened as I fought for my life. I told him how I have no one to talk to and I’m all alone. I told him how I’ve been so busy trying to be strong for everyone else that I’ve neglected to deal with my own feelings. I opened up about how hard this is on me and the girls. How they are acting out in anger to the situation.They are hurt, they are confused. I explained how I feel like a failure as a mother because I am so tired, and so busy and always patching just to get by instead of nurturing because it’s all I can do to get by from one day to the next. I told him how I am overwhelmed by never having enough money because we are living in separate places, leading separate lives. I told home how much that bothers me. I told him how I feel like a failure at my dreams because its just one more thing that I don’t have time for. I feel like I am not utilizing my opportunities in a way I am supposed to. I see my friends, my age, achieving their goals, managing their families, making head way on their dreams…I feel like I am banging my head on a wall..a brick wall…falling short in every single category. On top of all that, the thing that I think actually made the weight too much to bear, the plans we had to be together this summer has been put on hold. We had a place to stay but now that choice is no longer an option (one of the reasons I hate putting my happiness in the hands of others). So now, the end in sight that has kept me going all these months..is gone. This was too much today. This broke me..but only for a day.
I’ve got it all off my chest,I cried, I screamed, I raged and now,I am moving on. Just one more thing I feel like a failure at, I am always positive. I am a half full type of girl. I always believe that everything is possible through hard work and determination and I truly believe that. I do, with all my heart, but my problem is I haven’t been acknowledging the situation. I’ve been so busy getting through it that I’ve not been dealing with it. This is me, feeling sorry for myself…for 24 hours, acknowledging, admitting that it is HARD, sucking it up and moving on. I will not be defeated. This situation has not broken me, as I first thought; it has bent me, it has rattled me and I will move forward stronger with an ever greater determination. I make my own success and happiness; that is what I am focusing on. I will tread water until I regain my strength to swim, but I will not drown.
Have you ever felt like you were overwhelmed in your life? In motherhood? How do you deal with it? What do you do to get over the hurdles of motherhood and life?
2011/01/10
Firework
It’s Tuesday but it feels like a Monday around here today.After last week’s Raw beginning, I’ve made a conscious decision and concerted effort to turn this back around and get back to my Revolution inciting attitude. I was driving home from kindergarten drop off this morning and, just like every morning, this song came on right as I was about 3 minutes from my doorstep. It hit me like a lightening bolt, I’m adopting this song as my new Anthem. I think it should be the loud and proud anthem for every Mommy. Next time it comes on the radio, crank that sucker as loud as it will go and sing your heart out. Because “baby, you’re a firework!” Listen to the lyrics, your fire is still in there.It may be buried under diapers and laundry and everybody else’s needs but Mama, it’s in there. “Cause there’s a spark in you, You just gotta ignite the light, And let it shine!” You can be and do whatever you set your mind to. You make human beings, nothing is impossible for you. Come on, I’m tired of being a fizzled out punk.I want to be a big blaring firework in my own life. Time for exhausting potential and realizing dreams. Who’s with me? ” Boom, boom, boom, Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon, It’s always been inside of you, you, you, And now it’s time to let it through!”
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
Cause there’s a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ’em what your worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gonna leave ’em fallin’ down-own-own
You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it’s time, you’ll know
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ’em what your worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gonna leave ’em fallin’ down-own-own
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ’em what your worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gonna leave ’em goin “Oh, oh, oh!”
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
2011/01/18
How a Backbend Almost caused my Untimely Demise
I hear friends say all the time, “Oh ,how I would love to be 18 again!” I never really thought about it because, to be honest, I feel about 18 on most days. But this past weekend, I was trying to show my girls how to do a back bend. Yes, you heard me a right…a back bend. I have every intention of showing them how to back bend, somersault, cartwheel, back flip, split, roller skate, ice skate..all of it. I never , ever took into consideration that I am not actually 18 anymore. I am more like two 18 year olds.Fuck, I am the sum total of two, non jail bait, grass on the field ( well, technically not) Miley Cyrus’. Shit, I feel old. After,I commenced to show them how to walk down the wall and gracefully (ahem) and easily (bwahahaha) come into a back bend. I stood up and not only did my back hurt, my thighs hurt, and not only did they hurt, my wrists hurt ( from bearing the weight of my entire body) and even my shoulders and clavicle ached. WHAT? Who am I? When did this happen? I work out and I have been lifting littles consecutively for almost 6 years but obviously there is no substitute for youth. You know that thing most of us squander on late nights, tanning beds, one night stands, hangovers, and making complete asses of ourselves?
So, it got me thinking..maybe I would prefer to “go back” but not to 18 ( No way..that was high school before all the “real” fun began) Here are 10 reasons that I’d want to be 25 again:
- I was in the best shape of my life.I’m not going to lie;I was working out like a maniac and I was a whopping 113 lbs at almost 5’8″. I was hot! ( Did I really just say that?) I could eat just about anything I wanted without ramification. Between my high metabolism,constant working out and an unhealthy side order of eating disorders I was set ~Of course, if I were still that size, there is no way I could wrangle these two beautiful giants I have given birth to. They’d pull me off in every which direction, like the dog does.
- I could function on NO sleep and still look glowing and be in a pleasant..honestly chipper mood. How I could use this trait now. I never sleep, my eyes look like I am hoarding luggage, not Louis Vuitton luggage some really cheap knock off JC Penny luggage, it is not pretty. How I would love to be able to wake up and not need to head directly for the Keurig. Or just wake up and be in a great mood for my girls.
- It was the year I had my first very own apartment BY MYSELF,with no roomie of any sort.Do I even need to say more? Not that I don’t love sharing my life with the Big Guy and my girls, but does it have to be EVERY waking moment. I just want to be able to walk into a room, sit down in a chair and take a breath for 5 minutes without someone or something needing something from me. To just be. I hear all of you sighing, I know you know what I mean.
- I had a million friends. I had so many friends, it was ridiculous in a really fabulous way. I always had plans and places to go , people to see…people and things I actually wanted to do, not was obligated to do. You know how hard it is to make a good Mommy friend. It’s like winning the lottery. First you have to find a woman that you like,then she needs to have kids that you like and your kids can get along with ( no punching, biting, body slamming or fights tot he death over sippy cups or Barbie dolls) and then ( If the fates allow) your husbands have to get along. In 11 years of marriage and almost 6 years of having children, I have 2 friends who meet this stringent criteria. 2!!!! Oh, how I miss my million friends.
- I had a killer wardrobe. I didn’t have a lot of money because I was still in college BUT I had that rocking body and great taste.I’m not sure if it was the rocking body that made everything look good ( you’ve heard the saying “She’d look good in a paper bag”? Well, that was me for a few years), or that damn fresh glowing skin, or if the clothes were just that cute. Maybe it was because I actually bought myself clothes.Or maybe it was because I was always out and was super aware of what was in style and what was not. I don’t know. All I know is I had a smoking wardrobe and shoe collection. Man, I miss being selfish.
- I was free spirited and fun loving.I could nap if I was tired, eat when I was hungry, go out, stay in, hop in the car and go for impromptu road trips. Now, everything I do has to be scheduled and coordinated in advance. So much for spontaneity.7 bags and a stroller have to be packed. Snacks, DVDs, kids music, milk,toys, games, babies, extra clothes, umbrellas, jackets,boots,…my head is spinning just writing this list. I always have to be expecting the unexpected and more than that, prepared for the unexpected.It’s exhausting.
- I had no responsibilities.I had no bills! NO BILLS! Rent and cable, that makes me laugh.I can barely keep a straight face thinking about how simple I was. I would actually blow a damn donkey at this point in my life to have NO BILLS! No mortgage.No utilities.No SCHOOL loans. No tuitions. No car payments. NO SCRIP. No credit car bills. No consolidation loans. No organic groceries. No ballet.No Homeowners association dues.Of course, with all these “bills” comes the life we want for our girls so I guess this is the price of suburban domesticity.I have a love hate relationship with it. I love it. I hate paying for it. Well, I hate paying through the nose for it.
- My skin was glowing, my body was supple and flexible.Youth! Talk about not knowing what you’ve got til its gone ( Damn you, Cinderella and your crazy lyrics) I took everything for granted because it was just there at my disposal. Now, I am having to work double time to moisturize me skin, stay fit and healthy the right way, and be able to do simple things like teach my girls the back bend and splits without herniating something or ending up in traction. I just wish I wasn’t having to spend more time of the less time I have available to simply do maintenance.
- I had finally figured out my place in the world and I was full of self confidence ( not as much as I am today but pretty close).More importantly, I exuded confidence. I actually felt comfortable in my own skin or as close as I could at that time. Then motherhood came along and, even though it is the most awesome thing I will ever do and it is so important to me, it knocked me on my ass. It made me lose confidence in who I was and what I could do. I had no training and I am a perfectionist. By becoming a mother, in a lot of ways, I had to relinquish control. This leaves me feeling less than adequate at times and not so comfortable in my skin. But I’m working on it and I’m getting there. It sure would nice to have some of that confidence or maybe it was blissfully, happy naivete back.
- I spent every waking moment with the Big Guy.The Big Guy and I met and within a week we were dating exclusively. We literally spent every waking moment ( with the exception of when we were supposed to be in class) together and it was never enough. That year is when we got engaged.He was my drug and I could not get my fill.There was never a lull or hesitation, just constant inquisition and even our quiet was full. These days, we only get to see one another on the weekends. The problem is we feel the same.He’s still my drug and I can’t get enough of him in my life. I love him and like him with every fiber of my being, even when I am exhausted and overwhelmed and overextended. He is my reprieve. He is my soft place to land. I want to spend more waking moments with this man. What a great example of a strong relationship for our daughters we could be if we were in the same place. I’m working on that too.
In recollection, my 25th year seems like it was my golden year ( which literally it was) but there was one thing seriously lacking from that year that I would not trade all the rest for, not even all the wonderment and freedom of youth…my girls. If I need to work a little harder to lose 10 pounds, sleep a little longer, moisturize a little more, eat a little less, save a lot more, it’s all worth it in the end.I’d rather be right where I am today than 25 and not with my girls. Babies, even at my best…I’m better with you!
2011/01/24
Friendly Flirting or is Facebook the Top Reason for Divorce?
I ran into a situation on Facebook last week that was foreign to me. It was as foreign as going to another planet. I’m sure many of you have been in this position, due to most of us being so social media/tech savvy /plugged in. Have you ever found yourself in the uncomfortable position of finding yourself reading a complimentary email from an old high school chum on Facebook? Or, perhaps, reading a flattering comment on one of your Facebook photos? What about engaging in a Facebook online chat with an old acquaintance that suddenly escalates from platonic and pleasant, to a little friendly flirting and eventually you find yourself floundering as you have landed right smack dab in the middle of uncomfortable-ville? Have any of you experienced this? What am I asking? Of course, you have.
READ ALSO: How to Tweet Your Way Into the Hearts of Complete Strangers
Don’t be shy. I won’t tell anyone. I’m just thinking out loud here. But what do you do? See, the Big Guy and I are very open…about everything. (No, I don’t mean our marriage is open. That bitch is locked up tighter than San Quentin prison.) But every once in a while, someone we went to high school with will friend he or I on Facebook or vice versa and then it goes a little something like this. The obligatory, “Hi, how have you been?” (Just because it’s rude to friend someone just to nose around their profile to see how fat they got or how ugly their spouses are, right?) This is usually reciprocated by an “I’m good. Married, 2 kids, great job, blah, blah blah!” But what it usually means is, “I’m OK, living back with my mom, I’m fat, I’m bald, and my wife has left me for some guy who has more money.”
Facebook is a time machine to your past

But then one of two things happens, either you say hi and check each other’s Facebook profile out. You spend a good half hour catching up on what they’ve been up to, who they’ve married, do they have kids, what is their station in life and after all this and you’ve perused their profile pics ( oh, don’t tsktsk me…I know you all do it. No way, I’m the only one using Facebook to check out what happened to everyone I used to go to high school with.) and you are certain that you dodged a bullet or are glad this person is in your past, then you are done. You never speak again. Maybe the occasional unmeaning “Happy Birthday” because all 457 of their other friends said it.
READ ALSO: One thing every woman should have
Or things can go this way on Facebook, you say hi and then comfort takes over and maybe some chemistry on one or the others part, coupled with a side order of loneliness and BOOM! combustible..blow up in your face flirtation…or is that friendly flirtation n Facebook? But really is there any such thing as friendly flirtation among married people? If the two are single…OK, go crazy. But if one or both are married, isn’t that a recipe for disaster? Maybe Facebook should change its name to Divorcebook? I mean seriously if you ask me…Facebook is starting problems. Between any love you’ve ever lost, chance you never took, or singles ads showing what you could have versus what you’ve already got…Facebook is an instigator.
Hey look who I found on Facebook
I think it is. I’m no fucking prude. I’m a certifiable touchy, feely kinda broad and I know that I’ve been guilty of a little friendly flirtation. So watch out..if we ever meet in person, I may be all huggy, kissy and ass smacking. ( not really but I will probably hug you out.) It’s no surprise to hear me say “Oh my God, your hair is so hot like that” to a friend (male or female, no difference to me. I’ve been married forever now and all you people are androgynous Ken dolls to me now. Whatever’s between your legs is of no concern to me) usually the Big Guy is standing right there. We all know, it’s me paying a compliment ( or in some cases being extremely generous) but everyone who knows me..knows that I am unabashedly in love with the Big Guy. So, when I say something of this nature, everyone knows that it’s JUST a compliment…its not an invitation for anything more. NEVER!
READ ALSO: The Reality of Being Born a Woman
But when you’re on Facebook and people can’t see facial expressions, or hear voice inflections and I’m only left with words and emoticons sometimes things get lost in translation and people hear what they want to hear or what they think the high school version of me might have meant. And there I am, smack dab in the middle of wondering is this friendly flirtation that they are retorting with or have they completely misunderstood the words coming out of my mouth? No one wants to seem like the crazy stay-at-home Mommy who is so far removed from the flirting/single scene that she imagines things to be something more than they really are but then again who wants to be the asshole who missed the signals and didn’t put a stop to the madness?
Recently, I had a small issue that I just assumed was like every other time before it; friendly flirtation on the part of an old friend. I reminded this friend that I was married several times and this was not the sort of attention that he should be wasting on an unavailable person. I thought this would be enough to halt the whole issue. But it continued with conditionals if you weren’t then, would you? Followed by, I would never fain to even ask..but if you asked me…. that sort of shit. And it left me feeling dirty and guilty and I had done nothing. When the Big Guy came home, I told him. I ALWAYS tell him when these things surface and he ALWAYS says with a shrug of disinterest “Whatever”. It’s not that he doesn’t care. It’s that he’s not threatened. He has no reason to be but I feel it’s just best to always be honest and open about these things lest they come back to bite you right back in your big ass. No thank you. I don’t really much care for being bitten in the ass..well, occasionally but that’s another post entirely.
My answer was to simply stay “offline” to be “unavailable” for conversation, friendly flirtation or marital problem instigating banter. In a day and time when people are meeting their best friends and soul mates online, it is no wonder to me that Facebook is probably, at least partly, responsible for a good percentage of marital problems and divorces. It’s just too easy, your spouse or partner pisses you off and oh, look at all the fish in the sea…right there at your fingertips just waiting to be engaged. So, I’m interested to know, Have you ever had this issue? What did you do? What was your reaction? Do you think it’s harmless flirtation or a train wreck waiting to happen? I always go with better safe than sorry, when it comes to my marriage…it’s too important an institution to fuck around with. If it comes between my marriage and hurting someone’s feelings, sorry someone!
Has an old flame ever found you on Facebook?
Facebook Causing Divorces Since 2004
2011/02/03
The Jake Ryan, Farmer Ted, Lloyd Dobbler Dating Litmus
At one time or another, we have all faced the Jake Ryan versus Farmer Ted debacle. If you were young when it presented itself, you probably chose superficially and unwisely in the long run. Because lets be honest when you’re under 25 and hormones are running high, a pretty face and a nice chest goes a long, damn way. Oh the superficiality of youth. I do not miss you. Anyways, I was so team Jake Ryan that there was no way to convince me otherwise. But then you grow up and you realize men are more than just Jake Ryan’s and Farmer Ted’s, there’s a few Lloyd Dobbler’s out there and even more Chet’s. But what’s the litmus test? Well, this took place one Valentine’s day and I knew immediately who I married.
Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite holidays, only because I love LOVE. Let’s be honest, when I was in high school and it was all about receiving those damn colored carnations…not so much. It used to make my stomach knot and lurch. I’d spend the whole day wondering if I was going to get a carnation? What color would it be? Who would it be from? I knew more than likely there would be no red carnations…the guy I was “in love with” had graduated high school my freshman year. So, as I was doodling on my book covers “D loves J” he was off being a semi somewhat grown up ( granted he was dating a 15 year old so there was that) but he was definitely NOT worrying about sending carnations to my Spanish class, red or otherwise. Of course, there was always the possibility of a white or pink carnation from a friend but there was also a very slim possibility of the illusive red carnation from a “secret admirer”. Hey, it was the 80’s and I had seen one too many John Hughes films. Long story short, I was dating my Jake Ryan, so in all reality any admirer would have probably been more like Anthony Michael Hall’s character, Farmer Ted, but I was 15 and my mind was not fully developed yet. God help me, I didn’t know any better. That WAS Valentine’s Day.
These days, Valentine’s Day is looking into the eyes of my gorgeous little girls and seeing the Big Guy. Valentine’s “Day” is a weekend long celebration filled with chocolates, quality time together, and good food prepared with love by the Big Guy. It’s little unexpected surprises and beautiful pink tulips.It’s knowing with complete and utter certainty that I am exactly where I am supposed to be with the man I was meant to love. It’s being comfortable in my own skin. It’s watching the Big Guy hand out peculiar gifts to his girls (i.e. Squinkies and Chi hairdryers) and smiling because he knows us so well. When he gave the girls Squinkies, I thought OK, not very love day like but they’ll enjoy it.Me, what can I say, I needed a new hairdryer and the one he bought me was like the Dyson of hairdryers.Not romantic but I’ll take it!
But I could not ,for the life of me, understand why he was urging the girls to sample the chocolates before dinner. I was infuriated ” No! Wait until after dinner!” The Big Guy, ” No! It’s just a piece of candy…let them open it NOW!” WTF? I’m not going to lie, I was a little perturbed but since he said it in front of them, I agreed to it. Of course then I had to open the giant heart shaped candy tin for them.
Believe me when I tell you that I was more than a little annoyed that they were about to consume chocolate before dinner. I struggled with it,finally it popped open and there strewn amongst the candy were 3 small pearl colored boxes. Obviously, I thought to myself, what the hell kind of candy is this? I look at him and he has got that huge Big Guy ear to ear grin on. Of course, this is very much like him to make me crazy first. I open a box and inside was a set of diamond and ruby earrings, a ring and necklace.There were three boxes, one for each of his girls. My heart melted.
I love this man every day of any week but it’s these little unexpected things that make me swoon a little deeper.I think he also likes to infuriate me because it kicks the passion level up a notch. So, as the dutiful wife that I am, I will try to oblige. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m sure many more times in our lifetime, the Big Guy is everything..I never knew, I always wanted. I didn’t marry the Jake Ryan who didn’t send me red carnations, and I didn’t marry the Anthony Michael Hall character. The sweet, cute, loyal, lovable character. The thing they never tell you is that Jake Ryan hits 25 and gets fat and bald. The other types of the world, try a little harder and don’t come into themselves until they are in their 20’s.
The Farmer Ted and Lloyd Dobbler types end up hotter, sweeter, sexier and with a lot more to offer a woman than the Jake Ryans.
The only thing that beats a Farmer Ted is, you guessed it the Lloyd Dobbler’s of the world. They are sexy beast, professional type men who treat their daughters like princesses, their wives like queens and their dogs like part of the family.Those my friends are who you grow old with. Those are the smart, witty,funny, successful guys who make great husbands and fathers. I mean what the hell, we all should have known by the boom box in the rain.
The truth is the Farmer Ted’s and Lloyd Dobbler’s of high school grow up to be the Jake Ryan’s of adulthood. I just wish someone told us that in high school. I thank God every day that I opened my heart to my Lloyd Dobbler otherwise known as God’s greatest gift to me. Yes, I did just say that out loud. I’m sure the Big Guy will remind me of it too but I don’t care.
I love you baby! Thanks for letting me love you.Thank you for loving me more than I knew was possible for a man to love a woman. (Oops that may have been me missing the Big Guy and chocolate wine talking) You complete me! ( oh yeah, that had to be the Chocovine talking:)
In all seriousness, the Big Guy rocks my world..13 Valentine’s Days together and every year, he rocks it a little more!So here’s me doing my part to kick the passion up a notch!
Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!
And people think Mommies don’t know how to have fun! Happy Love Day! Hope you’re all kicking it up a notch!
So did you marry a Jake Ryan, Farmer Ted or Lloyd Dobbler?
2011/02/14
Throat Punch Thursday ~Chuck Norris Karate Chop crazy edition
Seems like this week, I have two recipients tied for Throat Punch Thursday. Imagine that? The first one comes to us via Kenya, Africa. This is the scene, a couple welcome into the world their new baby boy. To their disappointment he is mentally handicapped. Fast forward 30 years, Thomas ( the baby boy now a man) tied to a bed surrounded by pools of his own urine. Imprisoned like this for the past 30 years by his parents.They have no choice. Angry and fearful neighbors have been chasing the family from village to village because they are afraid that he will attack them. This forces his parents to lock him in a shack, away from the outside world. They have to lock him away to keep him safe from the ignorance of the villagers who find him to be a threat. For now, Thomas’ family feels like they are being punished because they are not allowed to live their life in peace. So, who gets the throat punch you ask? Well, obviously the villagers for being so freaking ignorant and letting preconceived notions rule the world but also Thomas’ mother. Believe me, I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed and exhausted with a situation. I understand she wants a break from her misery. I understand that it’s a lot to ask of a person, even a mother, but she goes on to say that she has never known joy since she has been married. I got the distinct impression that some harm may befall poor unsuspecting Thomas..and it won’t be at the hands of the villagers. That may be a good alibi but from the video I felt that Thomas’ mother may be on the verge of driving her cow over the edge of a very steep peak with Thomas tethered to it. So, my throat punch has to go to his poor ,exhausted and tired mother. I feel that a hefty kick to the head may be just what is needed to knock some sense into her head!
Next Throat Punch goes to CANCER! You heard me right..Cancer! Poor little toddlers should not be having to deal with brain tumors and cancer. If they are unfortunately inflicted, it is our duty as parents to do whatever it takes to make them as comfortable as possible. We need to improve their quality of life, especially when the quantity may be drastically shortened. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to cure my child or save their life. You remember that movie John Q with Denzel Washington? That’s me..I am of the John Q parenting technique. So, I say, if medicinal marijuana is going to help my child who has been in such pain that they have not eaten for 40 days feel some comfort. You bet your sweet ass, this Mommy is going to administer medicinal marijuana if prescribed by the pediatric oncologist. I’m not saying that I’m going to go out to the seedy part of town and score some ganja on my own but I would certainly do what needs to be done, to help my child. So, cancer and judgmental assholes who have never had to hold their 3 year old down to have a forced spinal tap done to confirm a leukemia diagnosis and think that it is “wrong” or “unethical” to administer a doctor prescribed relief from the torture..THROAT PUNCH to you, right up side your head. I know the concern is the damage to short term memory and killing brain cells and all that but if my child were diagnosed and dying, living on borrowed time…why should it be the government’s choice what my own flesh and blood, fruit of my loins, my heart walking free in the world should have to endure in the name of what is politically correct? In my world, as in most parents, my number one priority is my child. Sometimes it fits the parameters of PC, others maybe not but that’s not my concern. John Q rules! Chuck Norris karate chops to cancer!
2011/02/24
A Promise Ring; Friendship with benefits, if you will
My beautiful little sister came in town this past week to rescue me from my back who had taken it upon itself to vacate the premises. She is awesome like that. She dropped everything, hopped a train and resumed all of my regularly scheduled duties!God, how I love her for that. Her and I have always been very close, despite me being 5 years her elder. We have the best rapport. We also have the best conversations about everything under the sun. She’s my sister, so there’s a definite no holds barred quality to our time together. We are very much alike in most ways but we do differ on one thing…the TV that we watch. What I am saying is that I’m the Vampire Diaries, Grays Anatomy,Private practice type and she keeps MTV in business. So we were talking about TV the other day and she told me something about the Brett Micheals show that literally made my laugh my ass off. And I am thanking God for this conversation because without her unending knowledge of all things scandalous, I would have went my entire life without laughing this hard.
My sister recapped an episode in which Brett Michaels gave his “girlfriend”,Kristi Gibson, a promise ring. Just let that marinate for a moment or two. A FUCKING. PROMISE. RING!!! They have been together for 16 years with 2 children, who are 10 and 5. This means she has not only been his on again off again girlfriend the entire time he’s been doing his Rock of Love show but she was sleeping with him and having his children. And he gave her a fucking Promise ring! There were rumors that he had FINALLY proposed last July but he said “No” and called the ring a “Friendship ..with benefits” ring, basically what she had been to him all along. No one needed a fucking ring to know this. It’s like he was saying, Hey, you’re good but there might be something better out there for me. I’ve only fucked about 30 % of the 20 year old population, give me a little more time.I’ll get back to you! *This is not a direct quote but a loose interpretation of what Mr.Michaels may have been thinking:)
Isn’t a promise ring something a 13 year old gives his girlfriend ? I mean, even the Jonas brothers pony up an actual engagement ring and they are practically fetuses. If I were Kristi Gibson, I would probably have kicked Brett Michaels in his balls and snatched his do rag ( hair and all) off of his head. That was not only an insult it was injurious to her spirit…and he apparently did it in front of cameras. Plus, it was after he had already endured his whole health fiasco. So it was more desperate times desperate measures type of indulgence than a show of his true love for her. It was like a great big smack across the face that said..Maybe! When my sister told me of this reality TV flop, I couldn’t stop playing the whole train wreck in my mind. It was on repeat on an endless loop ( like those 80’s hairband love songs that I used to lull myself to sleep with when I was a wee teenie bopper myself…waiting for my own promise ring:)LOL How apropos.
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Photo courtesy of the internet

I guess sometime around Christmas, Brett Michaels made it official and actually proposed to Kristi. It was the season finale of his show Life as I know it , how convenient. What some people won’t do for ratings. It only took 16 years. I hope to God there was a new ring, something of the 10 carat variety to help squelch some of the embarrassment of giving a grown woman who’d endured the ring of fire ( not once but twice) for you. Myself, I still hope she , even though she said yes, kicked him in the balls and snatched the do rag off just for good measure. It would only be fitting. Because giving a grown ass woman who has stood by you for 16 years and had your children, is about as close to snatching a do rag and kicking a lady in the balls.
A.FUCKING.PROMISE.RING!!
* It has come to my attention that he did NOT give her a new ring, but used the same ring and has not set a date. Saying something to the effect that it may be the longest engagement in history. I’m pretty sure the only way she’s getting him down the aisle before they are 80 is if another health scare presents itself.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]
2011/02/26
The Effects of Blogging on Women’s Health
I am a member of the Collective Bias ® Social Fabric® Community. This shop has been compensated as part of a social shopper amplification for #CollectiveBias and its advertiser.
Women’s Health has suddenly become top priority in my life. Recently, I’ve been focusing more on creating my own healthy habits. Maybe it’s my age or just the fact that the older my daughters get, the more time I have to actually focus on my own health and mortality; you know, now that I have a free moment to pee alone now and again.
Did you ever consider that what you do for a profession could affect your health? I mean, we know that if you are a stunt man or a cop, your life is generally at higher risk than the general population. Of course, I never considered that being a blogger/writer/ sitting at my desk all day could be detrimental to my health. We all laugh at “blogger butt” and joke about sitting around in our pajamas all day but did you ever really consider that blogging could be bad for your health? Me, neither. But when it comes down to it, bloggers can suffer from issues with our vision from staring at a screen all day. One option is to look into great glasses from https://www.eyeglasses.com/. It can also result in issues such as repetitive strain injury.
Blogging has made me happy. I love what I do. I love freelancing. I love social media. I love letting my girls see me pursue my dreams and get to do something that I am passionate about. It’s important to me to be a good example for my girls. In fact, as a mom of girls, being a good example is probably the most important thing to me that and just being around to see them grow from my babies into women.
So imagine my frustration when I went to the doctor and aside from gaining weight, which I can obviously see, my sugar and cholesterol levels were both elevated but normal. All that I heard was blahblahblah HIGH blahblahblah AT RISK blahblahblah.
My brain went directly to all the things I would miss if I were to suddenly die (yes, I am one of those people); first dates, driving, graduation, college, falling in love, growing up, getting married, getting pregnant, becoming a mom, repeat. Then I thought of all the smaller things like taking care of them when they are sick, holding them when they experience the first crushing blows of falling in and then out of love, the fear and excitement in the big moments, giving the gentle nudges forward when they need to be pushed in the right direction or even just being there to listen when they needed undivided attention and a mother’s unconditional love. I need to be an advocate for not only my health but for #herhealth, as well; both of them. In that moment, I knew exactly what I needed to do. My path had never been so clear. I made all of the doctors’ appointments and I made a plan. I need a plan. I can accomplish almost anything with a plan in hand.
My first stop was the corner Walgreens to buy myself a bottle of Vitafusion Women’s Daily Multivitamin, Gummies. These have been my favorite vitamins as an adult. They are small and easy to swallow because you chew them and they don’t have that bitter mineral after taste that many adult multivitamins have. I like them so much that I started buying Vitafusion multivitamins for the entire family.
Next, I started paying attention to what my FitBit was telling me. The first thing that I noticed is that without consciously making an effort to move, a blogger can exist on only taking 337 steps in a day; my goal is 10,000. No wonder why “blogger butt” is a thing. Now, I am getting between 6500 and 12,000 steps a day just by spending an hour every morning taking a walk or bike ride with my daughters. I can feel the difference. I can do better but at least I am off in the right direction.
I’ve eliminated pop from the menu and replaced it with iced water and switched out my daily coffee for unsweetened green tea. I love coffee but I was using so much creamer that it made each coffee have about 250 calories and the caffeine itself was contributing to my terrible insomnia. Now, coffee is a treat that I look forward to once a week (early on Saturday morning) and sleeping without the help of some kind of pill is a wonderful new bonus in my life.
I linked my FitBit to My Fitness Pal app and started logging everything I eat. You have no idea what you consume until you log it. You might think, “I don’t eat that much or that badly!” Believe me, you probably do. Some days, I found that I didn’t get enough calories and other days, I was going over by about 1000. My Fitness Pal also lets me stay aware of the sugar and cholesterol in everything I eat. In the past month, I have lost 12 pounds. I’ve also committed myself to seeing my doctor once a month to check in on my progress and keep me accountable. These are all baby steps to make sure that I am around for the big and little moments of my life to come.
What do you do to maintain or improve your Women’s health so that you are around for the big and little moments?

2014/06/09