The TRUTH About Motherhood

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Proven Ways to Help Support Your Child at School
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The coronavirus pandemic has been hard on everyone, especially kids. The world has been an upside-down and, quite frankly, scary place to be since 2020. The new normal is not normal, at all. So, if you feel like your child isn’t doing as well as you think they are capable of in school, then you know how frustrating this can be not only for you but for your child. You may feel helpless, as though nothing you do helps, and maybe you even feel hopeless that you have no choice but to watch them struggle. It doesn’t have to be this way though, in fact, there are many ways that you can give your child the help and support they need.
Teach your Child that Failure is Okay
This is something I, as an adult, still struggle with myself. If you want to get good at something, then you have to start by being bad at it. Encouraging your child to increase their rate of failure is the best way for you to help them learn. Teach them that with failure comes success, and make sure that they are resilient too. If you can do this, then they will take setbacks much easier, and it will also help to prepare them for later life too. Chess has been described time and time again as being the ultimate teaching tool, purely because of all the positive effects that it can have on your child and their logic. It also helps them to develop concentration and discipline too. Many board games involve some degree of chance, but this is not the case with chess.
Do not Over Praise
It’s so important that you explain to your child that everyone in life has a different talent and that it is not always possible for everyone to get a trophy either. Over-praising can lead to some issues, and this is especially the case when your children realize that they are not as amazing or as brilliant as they thought they once were. Sure, there is power in setting positive yet realistic expectations but that doesn’t mean that you have to praise them for everything.
Make Learning Fun
Learning becomes much harder if it is always seen as a chore. A lot of people have mental blocks when it comes to math at school, and that’s why so many people don’t like it. Psychologists have shown time and time again that if you are in a good mood, then this will make you more engaged and it will also make you more open to learning too. You will be able to master any difficult task if you have the right attitude, and the sooner you can teach your child this, the better. Want to support your child even more? Why not see if you can get some high school worksheets?
Let your Child Follow their Passion
It is not possible for your child to be good at everything, but if you can, you need to try and get them good at a few things. If your child is showing a very specific interest or if they take a lot of joy in a particular topic, then they will find it easier to really push themselves with it. If your child loves music, then try and push them in this direction rather than trying to steer them academically all the time. If you can do this, then you will soon find that it is much easier for you to give them the support that they need to do well.
Make Subjects feel Relevant
It is often hard for a child to focus and enjoy a particular subject because they are not able to see how it has any relevance to their life. They may not be able to see how it is going to help them in the future either. Specific subjects tend to be branded into the head of your child and at times they may wonder if it’s just something that they have to do in order to keep adults happy. If you want to help them here, then you need to make subjects feel relevant to them. You also need to make sure that you do what you can to prove to them that the things that they are learning, are worth it in the long run. If you can do this, then you will soon find that you can make your kids happier when learning and that they are also much more engaged.
So, there are many things that you can do to try and make sure that your kids are happy and if you follow this guide, you’ll soon find that it is easier than ever for you to give them the support they need to excel academically. Why not see how many tips you could implement for yourself today? It’s never been easier to get on the same wavelength as your child.
2022/06/05
Monday Envelope Is Revolutionizing the Room Mom
Tonight is my first meeting as a member of our School Board. I’ve been a perpetual room mom for the past 6 years, for both girls; sometimes manning two parties at exactly the same time. Oh yes, I am doing it again this year because I am “that” mom. Anyways, at the end of last school year I decided that I wanted to be the change I wanted to see in the school and instead of just complaining about everything; I put my money where my mouth was. I did what any sane mother with too many obligations already would do, I went for the school board.
Anyways, this school year is going to be crazy for me. Maintaining two classrooms as room mom is hectic enough but add to it more obligations, I am in desperate need of some streamlining, organization and control; at the very least some organized chaos. We can’t afford another unfortunate “reply all” incident like the Halloween party of 2013 scandal. Thankfully, I was asked to try Monday Envelope.
Monday Envelope is an all in one group manager for any device that allows you, as a parent, PTA leader, room mom or Girl Scout troop leader (among many other things) to control and organize (streamline) all of your communications with all the people you need to be in contact with, at all the right times and at all the right places.
Parent involvement is crucial to the success of any school and a big part of that is effective communication. It is the perfect tool for the busy, on the go, involved mom. It means that this mom will never have to miss another out of uniform day again and that makes all of us happy! It’s everything, you never knew that you always wanted in organization.
Finally, I won’t have to worry about sending BCC emails from my address that trigger spam filters or worse CC everyone and the thread is 800 emails long and sometimes inappropriate. Refer to scandal of 2012. This allows everyone to be on the same page without the insane email tread. Tastes great; less filling.
The best part is that it is simple to use. Simple is my favorite word these days because with school back in session, my life has gotten exponentially more complicated with schedules and classes and meetings. It saves a ton of time that you can spend actually enjoying parenthood and these precious fleeting moments with your little ones. It frees up our time so that we can be engaged.
If you think this is a great option for your school, room mom, team mom, PTA president or girls scout mom friends have them check out Monday Envelop for themselves https://mondayenvelope.com/tell-your-group-leader/ .
This post was sponsored by WOMWomen.com on behalf of Monday Envelope. All opinions are my own.

2014/08/19
I’ll Miss His Smile
There are people who come into our lives and make it better, people who make you want to smile. They might not do anything in particularly special but to you those simple actions; a kind word, a crooked smile or a hand and heart of support make them everything to you. These people matter and when they are gone, the space is empty and the emptiness left in their spot is felt. I’ve known this emptiness: when I lost my uncle Narciso, when I lost my uncle Ramon and when I lost my third pregnancy.
Yesterday, our beloved Monsignor suddenly passed away in his sleep. He had the flu and then, he was gone. We’re all in shock. We’re all in mourning. We don’t understand and it’s hard to accept, as it always is.
You see, he was more than just the leader of our parish, he was like everyone’s favorite Grandfather. He was a genuinely kind man with a smile that put you at ease and made you feel like everything was going to be okay. His voice was comforting and he carried himself in a way that was confident yet humble. He was all of this and more but the thing that I adored about this man the most was the way he loved the children. It was a genuine adoration and fully reciprocated by every single child who attended our school in the past 30 years.
My girls go to Catholic school. I was raised in the Catholic church. Priests have always been a part of my life, my family’s life but never on this level. Growing up, our father was someone who we saw on Sundays. Growing up, the Father of our church was on one level and we were on another. It was not a human relationship, it was more of leader and worshipers. Nothing like our relationship with Monsignor.
My children saw Monsignor almost daily. He was the living, breathing heart of the school. All the students were his children. He’d been at the parish and the school for 30 years, so even the parents were like his children. Most have known them since they were small children and attended the school.
He had a special way of talking to children and adults alike that made them feel special and important. When he did the children’s mass, he always got down on their level and talked to them like they were people. He always listened to what they had to say. He never took himself too seriously.
When I joined the school board a couple years ago, I got to know him on a different level; on a human level and I have to say, I loved him for his humanity. I loved that he was openly fallible and that behind closed doors he could crack jokes and give us a hard time, just like any dad would do. But the thing I will never forget is his smile; that kind and soothing smile that put you at ease and made you feel like no matter what you did wrong, God would forgive you and Monsignor wanted you to know it was all going to be okay. Words cannot convey exactly what I am feeling at the loss of this man, all I know is that there is a hole in my heart where he used to be.
My daughters are gutted. The entire parish family is mourning and it feels like nothing is quite right without him here. He was retiring at the end of this school year but he said that he wanted to stay near his “family”, us, his children, and so he had bought a condominium in the neighborhood behind the school just so he could be near us always and still visit and now he’s dead and all we have left are the memories of him.
We’ve been talking about Monsignor a lot the last couple of days and sharing stories about what we loved the most about him. It’s hard to believe he won’t be giving mass again. He won’t be greeting us with his kind smile and gentle eyes. He won’t be sending us into the world with his reassurance and fatherly love anymore but he will always be in our hearts.
I’d like to believe that, if there is a heaven, he’s there with my uncles having a good time and keeping watch over the baby I never got to hold and one day, I’ll get to see them all again.
Until then, I will miss his smile.
2016/08/25
What to do when Your Child is Depressed
Could Your Child be Depressed?
Can young children be depressed? I’ve come to realize something very important, 2nd grade is a turning point in a child’s life. This is where, as the Big Guy says, the rubber meets the road. Education gets real serious, real fast. Last year was playtime, this year is planners and hours of homework and violin and pre-ballet has now turned to ballet and there is no more time for childish games. Suddenly, everyone is serious.
This is the year that our children really begin to take it all in. It’s the year that grades are beginning to count, teachers expectations are raised and the age of reason. Obliviousness and the carefree, reckless abandonment of being a preschooler has to be shelved and children are forced to grow up in many ways. I’ve noticed this for my daughter and I’m not sure I like it, at all. (more…)
2012/11/14
Will we ever feel safe again in the wake of Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre?
Sandy Hook Elementary We pray for you
Will we ever feel safe again sending our kids off to school in the wake of the Sandy Hook Elementary massacre? Adam Lanza’s assault on our nation’s children has left many of us feeling the way we did post 9/11, defeated, vulnerable and afraid. But this is much worse because this brutal attack was carried out against the most innocent of us all, small children. Victims who were small children just like my daughters who are 5 and 7.
Sandy Hook Elementary is what my nightmares are made of. What every mother’s nightmares are made of really. This morning, it was all I could do to get my girls dressed and take them to school. I wanted to keep them home, safe, with me. I got them dressed. I lingered a little longer than normal while brushing their hair. I sat with them at breakfast instead of scurrying around trying to tidy up the house. I walked them into school and to their class rooms where I hugged them and kissed them until I had to let go. I told them I loved them and then I walked back to my car with a heavy heart. I drove home, I walked through the door and I sobbed. I am afraid.
What happened at Sandy Hook Elementary can happen anywhere.
We spoke to our girls about what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary because we knew they would hear about it at school.My girls are only 5 and 7 and I shouldn’t be having to have this conversation but when crazy people armed with guns can walk into a school and start shooting, I would be failing my children if I did not prepare them; have a contingency plan in place for such an event. What kind of world do we live in that we need to have a contingency plan for what to do if a crazed gunman comes into our children’s school? Has the world gone mad?
How will any of us ever feel safe again? Something has got to change.Adam Lanza was a man with mental illness who had much too easy access to guns. I’m hearing people say that the right to bear guns is a fundamental right. They are saying the issue is mental illness not gun control. Mental illness played a part in the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre, that is for certain but placing blame on just the mental illness serves no purpose but to further stigmatize those afflicted. The issue is that it is too easy for people to access guns. The world is flooded with weapons. Guns are used for one purpose; to kill.People may make the choice to kill someone, but the gun is the method of destruction. Take away the gun and it gets a hell of a lot harder to kill someone.
A gun allows cowards the luxury of standing back and detaching themselves from the heinous crimes they commit. Discharging a gun is less personal than using a weapon that forces a perpetrator to be within a closer proximity to their victim, making it more personal. A semi-automatic is certainly going to make it easier and less stressful to murder small children. I hardly could believe that Adam Lanza, a coward who killed himself instead of facing the effects of what he did, would have been able to kill 27 people had, especially children, had he needed to look into their eyes and see their fear and hear them beg for mercy in their tiny voices.
I will never feel safe again, every time I watch my children walk away in the rear-view mirror, I will be wondering if that will be last time.
Will You ever feel safe again after what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary?

2012/12/17
How a Party Can Help You Change The World
Have you ever seen an injustice in the world and thought, someone ought to change that? Me, too. We all do. But why not instead of waiting for the world to change, we choose to be the change we want to see in the world. Why not be the change? Why wait? Just change the damn thing.
We worry about the state of the world; the hungry children, the homeless population, the unemployed and the disabled. We worry but we don’t do anything about it. We walk on in self-induced states of blissful ignorance because to look directly at the world, in all its pain and suffering and walk away is too much to handle. But we don’t have to walk on trying to pretend that all the sadness and injustices in the world don’t exist, we can be the change. We can do something.
That’s why I decided to partner with Jennie-O and Champions for Kids to help make a difference. It is a small thing but I hosted a #Fiesta4Kids which means, I hosted a dinner party at my house and invited some family over and everyone who came to dinner donated canned foods to be donated to our local food bank. We decided on the local Community Harvest Food Bank.
When most people think #Fiesta4Kids they think taco bar but my kids wanted meatloaf. So for our dinner, I searched the Jennie-O website and found a recipe called Best Ever Turkey Meatloaf and my family concurs. But you don’t have to throw an entire party to do good in the world, start small donate a few cans of food to your own local food bank. Every little bit helps. Teach your children that they can be the change and it’s never too early to start.
When school lets out for the summer, millions of children lose access to the school breakfasts, lunches and after-school snacks they receive during the regular school year. You can help ensure kids have nutritious meals by hosting a Fiesta to Feed Families event! From June 1 to June 30, Champions for Kids is partnering with Jennie-O Turkey to encourage community projects across the country benefiting children in need of nutritious meals this summer.
I want my children to feel compassion for others and to be activists, to do not wit for change to happen. I have to be their example. If you’d like to learn more why not join myself, The Motherhood, Jennie-O and Champions for kids on June 24th at 1 pm EST for a Twitter party.
JUNE 24 #FIESTA4KIDS TWITTER PARTY (1 P.M. – 2 P.M. ET)
Details for the Twitter Party
What: For millions of children, the end of the school year means no more access to school breakfasts, lunches or after-school snacks. This month, bloggers from all across the U.S. are leading the way in helping these children by throwing a Fiesta to Feed Families (#Fiesta4Kids), in which they collect food items to benefit kids and families in their local communities! They’ve inspired us so much that we wanted to explore more ways to get involved with community projects at this Twitter party!
The Motherhood is honored to join Champions for Kids along with Jennie-O to share just how simple it is to help local families in need. Champions for Kids SIMPLE Service Projects are an easy way to get involved in helping your community! Every SIMPLE Service Project has 4 basic steps: 1) Gather your friends, family, and co-workers. 2) Learn about the needs of children in your community. 3) Give items to help kids enjoy happier & healthier lives. 4) Share your story with Champions for Kids to inspire others!
Join this Twitter party to learn more about SIMPLE Service projects, as well as to learn about kid-friendly recipe ideas that are both yummy and nutritious!
When: Thursday, June 24, at 1p ET / 12p CT / 10a PT
Where: We’ll be on Twitter – follow the #Fiesta4Kids hashtag to track the conversation. You can see the details and RSVP via this Twtvite: https://twtvite.com/fiesta4kids
Hashtag: #Fiesta4Kids
Prizes: Five prizes will be given to five randomly selected participants who answer the trivia questions correctly. Each prize includes a $25 Wal-Mart gift card and two $5 Jennie-O product coupons.

Disclosure: I participated in this program on behalf of Champions for Kids and The Motherhood. All opinions are my own.
2014/06/22
Savings Catcher will Make Sure that You Always Get the Best Deal
I have partnered with Walmart to bring you this sponsored post and information about this awesome new program Savings Catcher ; as always, all opinions are my own.
Back to school has had me steadily spending money; tuition, backpacks, school supplies, clothes, uniforms, gym shoes and don’t even get me started on all the groceries for the school lunches and did I mention, SCHOOL.SUPPLIES?? I know this happens every year but still every year, I get sticker shock.
It’s not that I don’t want to spend money but there is a thrill I get from finding the deal and saving the difference for family vacations or home renovations. Life is expensive but that doesn’t meant we shouldn’t get to enjoy the finer things in life, right? I’m frugal and always looking for ways to save money so for school supplies, I always hit Walmart first because they usually have the best prices and on those rare occasions that they don’t they will price match so I always know that I am getting the best price when I shop do back-to-school shopping at Walmart. I mean $.25 crayons, how can I beat that? I’ve got two words for you; Savings Catcher!
What is savings catcher, you ask? Is it like a dreamcatcher but instead of bad dreams it filters out bad prices? Exactly! Savings Catcher compares your receipt to advertised prices from top stores in your area, and if it finds a lower advertised price, you get the difference on an eGift Card. It started August 4^th and now all you have to do is enter your receipt and Walmart does the work for you. No more shopping around town or dragging in all the circulars from all the stores so that you can ad match. No more holding on to your receipts for 14-30 days and running all over town to get your receipt “adjusted” because the $200 lamp you bought yesterday went on sale today. I hate when that happens.
Basically, this is what happens; you log into www.walmart.com/SavingsCatcher , enter your receipt number from within the last 7 days, Savings catcher checks it and if you there is a better price, you get the difference credited to a gift card. What do you have to lose?
Savings catcher is awesome and really easy to use. Here is a demo video that shows you how easy it is. https://walmart.box.com/s/fl8fe85r6sfk8w63g9sl I can’t wait to enter my receipt from last week’s back-to-school shopping and see if I earned any credit. What a great, you get the best price and maybe even get to save a little money to buy yourself a little something special.
Have you tried Walmart’s new Savings Catcher Program yet?
Photo: RapidEye
2014/08/15
Permission to Be….Ourselves
Why do we need permission? Who made these rules we all live by? In the last 24 hours I have went against my “better” judgment twice and both were better choices for me. Yesterday, I was tired and instead of doing what I normally do and miserably powering through my day and just getting things done. Going through the motions really. I stopped. I turned on the fan, closed the blinds and cuddled into my bed and napped for 3 hours. Right there in broad daylight, like I was a baby or a woman of leisure. I woke up and I felt rested and happy. I was in a great mood when I picked up my children from school. I was more patient and kind. I was a better mother than the miserably exhausted person who was there that morning before the nap. I cooked a big dinner and enjoyed the process. I never enjoy the process. It’s usually something that I do because I have to, like laundry. The dinner tasted great. Everything was better but it was all tinged with my secret…the nap. I felt guilty; guilty for actually responding to the needs of my own body. What craziness is that? If I don’t take care of myself, who will? I told my husband my dirty little secret, the nap, and he did not make fun of me or say something flip, he was genuinely glad that I gave my body what it needed. The guilt was lifted and now naps are on the table☺
This is the problem with so many of us. We go through life doing what is expected of us and we are miserable. Who made these rules that we have to follow x, y and z in life? We feel beholden to a certain way of parenting, being married, achieving success even being physically acceptable. If we don’t fit the mold then we feel guilty because obviously we’ve don’t something wrong. We have some deficit. I say fuck the mold. I want to break the mold.
We accept these expectations of us to be fact. They are not! Why are we all made to believe that life is a spinning wheel and once we choose a wheel we are confined to it like a prison for all of eternity? It’s not true and if we just took a minute to think about it logically. If we took a moment to breathe and trust our own instincts, to listen to our own heart, we would realize that we know what is best for ourselves, for our relationships and for our children.
Every day is the chance for a new beginning. I am tired of spinning that wheel that chose me. I want to do what I choose to do; not what life has chosen for me. I want to choose the path my life takes, not follow the path expected of me. I want to be who I want to be not who I am expected to be and more importantly I want to be happy. No one knows what can make me happy and no one can truly make me happy, that is something that I have to take responsibility for. Happiness is internal. It is fulfillment and every person’s fulfillment is different.
I lie awake at night with insomnia worried about all of the things that I didn’t do or need to do the next day because it’s what’s expected of me. I usually go against my better judgment and do what’s expected of me from society. But this morning, after I dropped my daughters off at school as I was pulling out, the car in front of me died. It was a mother who had rushed out the door 2 blocks and ran out of gas. I asked her what happened and she explained. My brother, whose sons also go to the same school, was pulling up as I was pulling over to park to help her. We both got out of our cars and pushed her out of the road and into the median at school. I let her use my phone to call her husband to bring her gas and then I drove her home. Now, to be clear, this is not something I would normally do because you know …I don’t know her. She could have been a psycho or she could have just been a stranded mom. I chose to believe she was someone who genuinely needed my help.
After I dropped her off, I even called the school to make sure they didn’t tow her car because she was so overwhelmed at the situation I doubt she remembered to call them. When I dropped her off, she genuinely thanked me. Someone let me help them. This made my day. It felt great to help her. I felt like I did something good.
The thing is a lot of people just backed out and went around her. It didn’t matter to them that it was 5 degrees out and snowing. It didn’t matter to them that there might have been children in a minivan leaving a Catholic school. They just went around. I don’t blame them because we live in a time where we walk past beggars in the street because we don’t know if they are going to use the money for food or for alcohol or drugs. We don’t stop and help stranded drivers because they could be crazed serial killers who might chop us to bits. We don’t let our kids play outside unattended because everyone’s a potential kidnapper or pedophile. We’ve become conditioned to not trust anyone and our skepticism is keeping us from being the good people we want to be. Our cynicism is keeping us from committing the random acts of kindness we all talk so much about. Don’t get me wrong, an unexpected free cup of Starbucks coffee is fantastic but we can do so much more. We can truly help people in need. We can be happy.
It’s true, we can’t know the hearts of others. We can’t dictate how a homeless person spends the money we give them. We could bring them food or clothes instead of money, I suppose. What we can dictate is how we react to the situation. That is all we can control. We can choose to do the right thing. We can choose to be those changes we want to be. We can choose to follow our hearts and not do what others expect of us because when we do what is expected, we fail everyone, most of all ourselves.
So, I am asking you today to make the decision to follow your heart, listen to your body and do not measure yourself by anyone else’s standards. Be you. Be happy. Love big. Live big. Give of yourself and you will be surprised at what you get in return. In place of going through the motions, you will find yourself living no holds barred out loud and fully. Maybe even taking a much needed nap.
What would you do if you followed your heart? What would make you happy? Give yourself permission to be you.
2014/02/27
What Happens When the Teacher Isn’t Paying Attention & Your Child Gets Hurt?
I don’t usually complain about my kid’s school. In fact, I mostly love their school. If you have children in a parochial school you already know this but kids who attend parochial just seem to consider consequences of actions more than the average kid. Our children’s education is based on a foundation of charity, family and faith. Kindness, compassion and respect for others is reinforced in the classroom from the beginning. I’m thrilled to see the lessons we teach at home being reinforced at school. These are good kids. This is why I work to pay tuition. For us it is worth it. So you can imagine my shock and dismay when I hear of a child behaving in a way counterintuitive to everything they are taught. What’s worse is when the teacher ignores or misses it.
What’s not worth it is to expect all this and then realize that this year, you got the teacher who is not invested and never accessible unless you pop into the classroom and even then there is a very good chance then that you’ll be cutoff midsentence and asked to leave. True story. I am used to teachers who, if call or email about my child, respond. I am used to teachers who pay attention to what is going on in the classroom and handle it.
For the past 3 years, my oldest has been victim to some bullying and every year, I contacted the teacher and he or she handled it. We worked together and it all ended up fine without too much emotional scarring but it took all parties involved to be invested. This year, one of her previous bullies is in her class again. It’s a very uncomfortable situation.
Yesterday at pick up, my 8-year old got in the car and immediately started telling me about her day at school and then started crying telling me that her teacher thought she was bullying a little boy and she swears she didn’t do it. When she tried to explain, the teacher called her a bully. You see the same little mean girl who bullied her in 1st grade is in my daughter’s class again this year and this time she has a new victim, a little boy in the classroom who sits next to my daughter. The little girl wrote a note of insults about the boy and put 4 girl’s names next to them. Girls she also doesn’t like. Then she showed the little boy. Then she gave it to my daughter. My daughter knows that we have a zero bullying tolerance. She told the girl to erase her name and when the girl wouldn’t, my daughter went to the teacher, only to be shushed and told to sit down. A few minutes later the little girl threw the paper at my daughter and the teacher saw it mid-flight and assumed the girls were passing notes and when she saw what the note said she moved the girls apart and then told all five girls (the child who wrote all of it and the other 4 girls names who she had put on the sheet (as far as I am concerned victims too) that she will be bringing up the “bullying” incident at Friday’s parent teacher conferences.
Now this all comes after a week of my trying to get in contact with the teacher via email about the Halloween party I’m organizing, with NO ANSWER to any of my emails. This also comes after she almost made my child wet her pants because she wouldn’t allow her to use the restroom (I have since told my child that if she needs to go..go and I will deal with the consequences rather than her piss her pants and deal with the ridicule). My daughter is 8, I think she knows if she really has to piss. So this teacher has been, in my opinion, half-assing a lot of things this year.
I have a couple problems with the whole “bullying” incident because 1) if the teacher would have taken a second to just listen to my daughter when she tried to give her the note in the first place and not shushed her maybe the little boy would never had gotten the chance to see it and she would have known who was doing what. 2) If she paid attention to my daughter in class at all, she would know that doing something like this is not in her nature especially since she has been bullied herself. 3) When I called her to discuss the incident (5 minutes after pick up) she was gone and never called me back this morning. I think if you are going to be throwing around the word “bullying” and label my child you should at least answer the phone message of a concerned parent who wants to know what’s going on because if my daughter is not the perpetrator she shouldn’t be labeled and punished and if she is then she should be punished by her father and I.
She swears she never said the things written on the note after a long and thorough discussion, I believe her. I still told her that she needs to apologize to the little boy; to which she said she already had when he first saw it. My husband has told her to show a little extra kindness to the child who was insulted because he’s probably feeling pretty down. I just want to get to the bottom of all of this so we can take the proper steps to stop this kind of shit from happening to our children. If I were that little boy’s mom, I’d be livid. Things like this can stick with you forever.
I need your advice. As a parent, what would you do?
2013/10/24
The Secret Life of the American Teenager
Raising a teen is hard. Being a teen is hard. I know a lot of us parents complain about our teens and how inconvenient their ever-changing moods are. We wonder where our sweet little children have gone and why in his/her place a grouchy, nonverbal awkward almost adult has arrived. Maybe we need to look a little deeper and exercise a little more patience.
Sometimes, I can be overbearing and dismissive. I’m tired and my life is pretty monotonous. I know after 14 years, sometimes I run on autopilot. We get so caught up in our own inner dialogue that we forget that everything our children do is not always just to make our lives harder, even though it may feel like it at times. For example, my girls bicker almost constantly and it’s become something that I’ve begun to take personally because I feel like they do it in spite of my requests for them to stop. It almost feels like a collateral act of defiance. I’m trying to step back and see the whole picture, take into consideration that maybe they’re going through something that I’m missing.
Which brings me to the entire point of this post. Children of all ages who are experiencing anxiety and how they express those feelings. My daughter has been suffering from chronic sinus issues for the last couple of years. This year, it has been particularly bad. She’s already had 5 sinus infections since the beginning of the school year. Per our pediatrician, she is on meds to control her allergies and prevent the subsequent sinus infections that follow any sort of congestion, but that no longer seems to be helping.
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It’s gotten so bad that she is getting migraines which, if you’ve ever had chronic sinus issues, you know, is debilitating. She’s starting to feel like she’s sick and she’s not getting better. She doesn’t understand and neither do I. We do what we’re supposed to. We go to the doctor. We follow her instructions and still my child is sick. Today, we are seeing a specialist, an allergist, because we have to get to the bottom of this.
We love our pediatrician and I trust doctors. I have close friends and family members who are doctors, so I have no problem with doctors. But when your child isn’t getting better, you have to advocate no matter who it is or whose feelings it might hurt. This is where I am today.
The thing is we’re at a point now where my daughters is in such pain that the thought of being at school with no one to help her sends her into a panic. Her anxiety kicks in and she is practically immobilized. I’m talking, gets to the office at school and goes into flight mode. The other day her sinus infection was so bad and she couldn’t be medicated because of tests, she cried for 3 hours in the nurse’s office before they called me to bring her home.
How can I send her to school when she is so obviously in pain and, on top of that, terrified of not knowing why it won’t go away. Which, I won’t lie, I am getting concerned myself. I’m thinking if this appointment with the specialist doesn’t give us answers, maybe we need an MRI. I won’t say that to my daughter and I can’t lead on that I’m more worried than she thinks I am. As her mom, it’s my job to keep my shit together while handling business on the backend.
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I’m trying to stay cool but I get why she is having this anxiety of the unknown. I try to keep her comfortable. I have chronic sinus and allergy issues too. I get migraines. I know how painful all of this is but when I’m sick, I have the luxury of burying myself in bed. When she’s sick, she still has to show up but lately, even when she’s showing up, she’s not really because she’s so preoccupied by the pain.
I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes kids and teens are not jerks just for the sake of being a pain in the butt. Most times, there is something behind it. Whether it be anger, worry, fear or embarrassment. Sometimes even teenagers can’t use their words to tell us how they’re feeling. They are like toddlers in that way.
They say things like, “I’m tired”, “My head hurts”, “My stomach hurts” all very non-specifically and for a parent that can be frustrating because you feel like maybe they are trying to get something over on you. A long time ago, I started going deeper on my questioning (once we rule out that it’s not an actual physical ailment) I ask, “has anything happened at school?”, “Did a friend say something that hurt your feelings?”, “Did a boy say something that made you feel weird?”, “Did a teacher get too close?” “Did anyone make you feel uncomfortable or compromised in any way?” Sometimes, the answers will come out without them having to find the words.
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But in this situation, my daughter is actually sick. I’ve been to the pediatrician so many times this year that I feel like I should get frequent flyer miles. I’m also not too sure they don’t have me on some weird mom Munchausen by proxy watch list. It’s embarrassing but every time I take her in, there is actually something wrong with her. So it’s not in either one of our heads. I know how to advocate for my children and I’ll do whatever I need to get them healthy but how do I help them deal with their anxiety?
As a mom, how do you differentiate between your child being legit run of the mill fear of something and having brain chemistry induced anxiety attack about it? One might only need a hug but the other might need a professional. What would you do if your teenage girl was experiencing anxiety while suffering a physical illness?
Update: Allergy tests showed that she is allergic to every Midwestern allergen except cats. We have a dog. The allergens are triggering sinus infections. If your kid keeps getting sinus infections, it might be worth a trip to the allergist. Also, I will write some posts next week to help your kids deal with sinus issues, give you the low down on allergy tests on kids and teens and the symptoms of anxiety in teenagers. Basically, I’ll help you understand the secret life of the American teenager. We’ll all get through this together.
2019/02/25