The TRUTH About Motherhood

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Life’s Sweetest Moments are Better Together
Disclosure: This post was sponsored by FiberOne through their partnership with POPSUGAR Select. While I was compensated to write a post about FiberOne Streusel Bars, all opinions are my own.
It’s been a crazy few weeks. The summer was spent busily planning for my sister’s wedding, traveling and meeting deadlines. It was chock-full of some of life’s great things, but sometimes even the best things in life can leave you exhausted and overwhelmed, whether it is planning a wedding, bringing home a new baby or taking your dream vacation. Sometimes, you just have to stop and breathe to fully enjoy everything. A moment of quiet “me” time to regroup and rejuvenate can make the world of difference in the midst of all the chaos.
I wasted this Summer looking forward to the finish line instead of enjoying the moments as they were happening. I had so much to do that instead of just enjoying all the great adventures and life changing milestones, I found myself just trying to get through them. I wanted to survive until the next chance for down time. I think all of us do this from time to time. Life is hectic and it’s hard to fully enjoy the moments when it all begins to feel like a chore.
A week ago, I was counting the days until I got to finally rest. Honestly, it was one day until my sister’s wedding and all of our scheduled plans for the Summer would be complete. After the rehearsal dinner, after all the commotion and stress of the day were washing over us and every one else had gone to bed, my baby sister and I sat there in her living room, lit by twinkling lights, and just talked about nothing in particular. This was one of the best moments of my entire Summer.
Right in the middle of the monsoon of wedding chaos, the biggest day of her life, we just took a moment to sit still and talk about everything and nothing all at the same time. It was the perfect act of combined “me” time. She had been stressing for months with planning and wedding details. I haven’t had the chance to catch my breath all Summer. This shared moment of quiet sisterhood was something we both really needed. Alone time allows me to regroup, but sister time has always allowed me to recharge because I know I have my sister to lean on, to share with and to understand and listen as does she with me. It’s different than “me” time but, for me, it is equally as important.
We sat on that couch beneath the twinkling lights, listening to ‘80s love songs that we used to include on our “sleep tapes” when we were in high school, and reminisced. We got hungry, so we ate strawberry streusel Fiber One® Bars while we sipped on wine and laughed about all the crazy, great times we had and those which are still to come. It was the perfect marriage of the sweet things in life and an unforgettable “we” moment. It was one of those perfect sister moments that mean nothing and everything, all at the same time.
After an hour or so of talking about everything that flew into our minds and out of our souls, we crawled into bed together, like we did when we were children, and talked some more until one of us fell asleep from exhaustion. The last thing I remember hearing as I drifted off to sleep was my little sister’s laugh, as we giddily discussed her wedding day and made plans for our happily ever afters. My heart is still full just thinking about it.
The next morning, I woke her up by serenading her with “Going to the Chapel of Love” by the Shirelles. We both started our day in a great mood and then we grabbed a couple more Strawberry Streusel Fiber One® Bars to take with us on our errands, and even though it was pouring rain out, we were transported back to sitting beneath those twinkle lights and everything was perfect.

2015/10/06
Sunday Mornings were Made for Family
In our house, weekends equal sleeping in, relaxing and indulgent brunching. All week long, we are always in such a rush to get to all the places that we need to be that we seldom have time for anything more than toast or cold cereal. There is no time to linger and have long conversations over hot breakfasts and warm coffee. This alone makes us look forward to Sunday mornings.

As our daughters get older, life goes by faster. I know it sounds crazy because time never actually speeds up. But I swear it seems like just yesterday my girls were being born and that first year seemed like an eternity but now, they are 8 and 10 years old and the days, months and years are flying by. Sometimes, I just want to hit pause and Sunday brunch is our way of doing that.

We know that Sunday mornings are the one day a week that we can all sleep in until the girls jump in bed and wake us to butterfly kisses and tiny giggles. Then we come downstairs in our pajamas with no place to be and as a family, we make brunch.
Usually the Big Guy or myself make the meal but the girls are always close underfoot to help set the table, clean the fruit, squeeze juice or at the very least chat us up about the weeks happenings at school, ballet and tumbling. This is when we really talk about everything and nothing. In order for us to parent effectively, we have to listen and engage in these fleeting moments.

Brunch usually includes music playing in the kitchen as we have impromptu morning dance parties while the smell of bacon and something scrumptious in the oven wafts through the air. This weekend it was ooey, gooey Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls. There is just something so comforting about biting into a warm, freshly baked pastry dripping with icing. It’s like a warm hug.
Honestly, the only thing better than the smell of bacon and cinnamon rolls wafting through the house is the sound of little girls giggling and mommies and daddies sharing inside jokes, winks and stolen glances as they take it all in. They don’t call it Sunday Funday for nothing.
In my book, it doesn’t get much better than sleep in your eyes, random hugs and cuddles and food that makes your soul dance. What’s your favorite Sunday morning family ritual?
Disclosure: This post was sponsored by Pillsbury through their partnership with POPSUGAR Select. While I was compensated to write a post about Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls, all opinions are my own.
2015/10/15
Throat Punch Thursday- Escape from Spring Break
I’m fully aware that my Throat Punch Thursday is 3 days late but there were extenuating circumstances – Spring Break. Who name it that anyway? No doubt some father who gets to go off to work for the week. If you are at home with your children during spring break, you realize there is no break about it. It is complete chaos.
So, my girls have been on spring break this week. This means I have been all sorts of discombobulated. They have encroached on my work time and my general routine. I love these two little girls but damn it if the ear bleeding screeches and the whining aren’t about to make me stab myself in the ears with a Q-Tip.
On top of all of that wonderfulness, I have contracted some sort of virus that is taking me down with the force of a giant with a bad attitude.
Sure the week was chalked full of fun: putt-putt, go-karts, repurposing a shed into a club house (Password: Girls RULE!), cleaning my garage in preparation for a garage sale, more cleaning, lots of eating junk and we saw The Croods (which made me cry ) and Oz the Great and Powerful (which made me pray there is another sequel in the works because it was so amazing) and now we finish it off with a bang. Not only have a almost completely lost my voice from this sickness, my back is also on the fritz, so the girls have not been listening (claiming they couldn’t hear me yelling) and its been general chaos and now, I am under the influence of a fever. I cannot even imbibe in wine for fear that my already irritated sinuses will mutiny and take out my entire face.
Tonight, Spring break and I play a game of chicken. Tomorrow we have tickets to Disney on Ice but tonight I have a fever. Let’s see who swerves first. I’m going to see the damn Disney on Ice. I’ve wanted to go since I was a kid and my parents couldn’t afford it. I am taking my girls…even if I have a fever. I will pop some ibuprofen and a muscle relaxer for the spazomatic back and we will be good to go.
I used to love spring break. The thought of having my girls at home with me this year was especially appealing because they are both in school all day but instead, by Monday I was thinking I should have planned some sort of work travel during spring break. They have been completely insane and me being sick has exacerbated the entire situation. I want my mommy but she’s not coming because she doesn’t want what I have so I will pray and rest and keep pushing the fluids and drinking the cold medicine every 3 hours.
How was your spring break? Was it as exciting as mine? I bet not.
2013/04/07
Food is Love
When I think of food, I think of love. Not like, my food loves me but I associate food with the feelings of being cared about by someone who loves you; like my mother making me a grilled cheese after school on a cold winter day when I was a small child or how she made me that same favorite grilled cheese when I was overcome with morning sickness when I was pregnant with my first child. There is something comforting and beautiful about a food made with such love and caring as a mother providing food for her child.
I think most people think of food in this way. That’s probably why we have that old saying, “A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Maybe there is something to it. Most people celebrate the big occasions in life with food because it’s a way to share a special moment with family and friends, punctuated by the warm, permeating smells of something delicious baking in the oven.
I think I probably learned this as a small child watching my mom cook for my father and the six of us children. Some of my fondest memories as a child are centered on our kitchen table as we all shared a meal. I want that for my children. The meal is about more than just the food, it’s about gathering together and talking about your day. It’s about listening and caring. In a word, it’s about love.
This is why my family has dinner together every night and on weekends, all meals are eaten gathered around our dining table after we spend the prep time in the kitchen together. Those cooking stand at the stove while those not sit at the island, watching and learning. We’ve done this with our girls since they were very small.
They’ve always had an interest in cooking and want to learn the recipes we’ve had handed down from our mothers and grandmothers. I always get a warm fuzzy feeling when they ask, “Mommy, when I grow up, will you teach me how to make your enchiladas/ secret recipe meatloaf/lemon Greek soup?” My standard answer is, “Yes, of course,” then I whisper, “ It’s all on the blog.”
Of course like most kids, they love anything I cook or bake even more so if they have a hand in it and I think it’s important to encourage them to experiment. I want it to be a fun experience not something I take so seriously that I yell at every imperfection. I just breathe and remind myself that there is a special beauty in the imperfections and these precious moments are few and fleeting the older they get. Pretty soon, I am sure they will both be better cooks than I am.
There is one thing that they love to bake together as often as possible, Pillsbury™ Grands! Cinnamon Rolls. Maybe, like my mom’s grilled cheese does for me, it holds some special part in their heart. All I know is that if they see them in the refrigerator, they always get a little sparkle in their eye because they know that we will be together in the kitchen baking them.
There is just something special about biting into that first bite of a warm, gooey cinnamon roll especially when someone you love made it. For Valentine’s Day, I thought a fun way to surprise the girls was with a batch of Pillsbury™ Grands! Cinnamon Rolls. Each bite reminding them of how much their mom loves them. This is so simple but something they will remember forever and might someday do for their own children. It’s quick, it’s easy and what’s more special than waking up to the sweet smell of cinnamon rolls on a cold Midwestern morning?

Disclosure: This post was sponsored by General Mills through their partnership with POPSUGAR Select. While I was compensated to write a post about Pillsbury™ Grands! Cinnamon Rolls, all opinions are my own.
2016/02/12
Taking Care of Me is Taking Care of My Family
Do you find it hard to make time for taking care of yourself? Lately, I’ve resolved to get my health back on track, which means working out, portion control and making healthier choices in the foods I eat. Sounds easy, right? It’s harder than you think, especially for a busy mom of two little girls on the go.
It’s been going pretty well. Like anything in life, it’s hard to break bad habits like mindless eating and not moving. I’ve had to make conscious decisions to get up and work out and to measure out my portions but it’s getting easier. I’ve done this by finding a workout that I love because it’s dancing and using containers and a scale to measure my foods before I portion them.
The one thing I am having trouble with is eating when I am hungry. I get so busy that I either forget to eat until I need to be someplace or I simply don’t have the time to find something nutritious so I grab whatever happens to be in front of me and honestly, it’s not usually anything that I should be putting in my mouth at such a quantity of with such fervor. So, I’ve decided to start keeping fresh fruits (washed, dried and ready to eat), fresh veggies (washed, cut up and in baggies) and high protein bars at my disposal.
The thing that is proving the hardest is satisfying my sweet tooth because even though my mind knows that’s a slippery slope, my cravings still crave it. It’s getting easier and I’m not shoveling all the carbs into my mouth without consideration like I was before but I still have those times of the month when I just need something sweet or people could get hurt. You know what I mean.
I’ve found two ways to satisfy these cravings that is a much healthier choice than reaching for a brownie or cookies. I’ve started making smoothies using fresh or frozen fruits and vanilla almond milk with protein powder. My favorite is 1 banana, ½ cup of mixed frozen berries, ½ cup of vanilla almond milk and about 3 oz. of vanilla protein powder. I throw it all in my individual smoothie blender and satisfy my sweet tooth guilt free.
Now, that’s taking care of yourself!
My other favorite treat is Fiber One’s new Cheesecake bars. My family has always been a fan of the Fiber One bars. The girls love the brownies and I love the lemon bars but I have a new favorite, the new Fiber One Cheesecake bar in Salted Caramel. My little one prefers the Fiber One Cheesecake bar in strawberry. Honestly, it’s hard to go wrong.
The best part is aside from grabbing them on the go for myself, I can give them to my girls with a piece of fresh fruit and a glass of milk for a fast, healthy breakfast. It’s perfect on those days when we are running late for school, as a light afternoon snack between cheer and ballet or gymnastics or even for dessert, when you just need a little something sweet.
It works for me. It’s made changing my eating habits and developing a healthier lifestyle a lot easier because I don’t feel deprived. I don’t feel like I’m being punished. I feel like I’m just learning to making better choices and in the long run, I think that will mean the difference between succeeding at getting healthy and failure. When it comes to my health, failure just isn’t an option anymore.
What’s your favorite healthy snack you eat when taking care of yourself?

Disclosure: This post was sponsored by Fiber One through their partnership with POPSUGAR Select. While I was compensated to write a post about Fiber One’s Cheesecake Bars, all opinions about taking care of yourself and Fiber One’s Cheesecake Bars are my own.
2016/03/08
That One Time I thought I was having a Heart Attack
Ever been afraid that maybe you were having a heart attack? Seriously. I’m not trying to be funny but I’m overweight and out of shape. A heart attack is a real possibility. I’m a fat woman. I have a BMI of 33 and I recently spent 4 months sitting on my butt. Honestly, you can look healthy and still have a heart attack. They don’t call it the silent killer in women for nothing.
I’ve seen the commercials citing that 1 out of 3 women will have a heart attack our symptoms are different than men. In fact, I know a friend who had a heart attack and didn’t even realize it until afterwards. I also have a great Aunt who spent the day with us touring the Biltmore Estate and had a heart attack. None of us knew until she told her doctor and he checked her, a week later. Ladies, that scares the ish out of me. I don’t want to die of a heart attack. I want to live to be 103. That’s my expiration date. It’s non-negotiable.
Anyways, last Friday morning; I woke up at 5 a.m. with a ridiculous pain in my actual stomach (not my intestines) and it would not go away. It woke me from my sleep and the little voice in my head, recited the commercial about the mom who thought she had indigestion but instead ended up dead because she was actually having a heart attack and TUMS ain’t got nothing on that.
I got up and took some Mylanta (because I always have it on hand since the first and only stomach ache I’ve ever had). It didn’t work. Then I took some TUMS. They didn’t work. Then I took a Xanax because I’m under a shiton of stress and maybe I was having a panic attack. Nothing. I waited half an hour. Still horrific pain. Now it was from my stomach to my right side of my rib cage.
Were these the symptoms of a heart attack?
You always hear of women thinking they had heartburn and it was something else; something more. I took my blood pressure with my portable Bluetooth QardioArm blood pressure monitor and checked it right there in the app on my phone and saved it to show the hospital. As moms, we are so focused on everyone else, we neglect ourselves. Don’t do that. It could mean the difference between life and death.
SHIT! I’m having a heart attack, so I took an aspirin because blood clots and strokes. At 6:30 a.m. when everyone else woke up, I texted my husband that I needed to go to the hospital. He assured me that it was heartburn from the Mexican food at Bella’s birthday dinner from the previous night.
Firstly, I’ve only had heartburn once in my life and this wasn’t it. Secondly, it felt like acid and a severe, prolonged heart cramp. I just knew I was dying but I kept it cool for my kids. We dropped them at school where I gave them extra long goodbye hugs and kisses, without divulging anything to them, and then we proceeded on to the Emergency room. I hate the emergency room.
Long story short, after 5 hours in the Emergency room, an EKG, an ultrasound (twice in one week, lucky me!), several blood tests and worrying myself into an absolute tizzy. We found out that no, I did not in fact have a heart attack but the doctor was glad that I had come in rather than ignore my symptoms. We found out that I have gallstones, 2 of them (they go perfectly with the 3 fibroids they found last Wednesday) and upon further questioning they found out that from the prolonged ibuprofen usage for the swelling in my broken leg, I have actually made the lining of my stomach sensitive.
The sensitive stomach and high cholesterol, high fat, highly greasy Mexican food did not enjoy one another’s company. My stomach became irritated which in effect affected my gallbladder (with it’s two stones). I had a gallbladder attack. It was not pleasant and I don’t recommend it.
They intravenously administered an antacid for my stomach, some Zofran so I wouldn’t throw up and a dose of happy, I mean morphine, for the pain. They gave me strict instructions to take Zantac, especially if I planned on continuing on with the ibuprofen regimen (which I have not) and to stay away from high cholesterol meals. I quit Ibuprofen cold turkey and have been reading labels because 103-years-old, people. My expiration date is 2075, not 2016.
The moral of the story is that when you think you might have something seriously wrong with you; trust your gut (pun intended). Maybe I wasn’t having an actual heart attack (but I could have been) but I did have something wrong with me and it needed medical attention STAT. I’m not sure that would have happened if I suffered through it at home or went to a walk-in clinic. I needed tests, not a Band-Aid.
It’s been a crazy couple of weeks. Bring on Disney World because mama needs a vacation. Do yourself a favor and know the symptoms of a heart attack in women.
- Uncomfortable pressure, squeezing, fullness or pain in the center of your chest that lasts more than a few minutes, or goes away and comes back.
- Pain or discomfort in one or both arms, the back, neck, jaw or stomach.
- Shortness of breath, with or without chest discomfort.
- Other signs such as breaking out in a cold sweat, nausea or lightheadedness.
Have you ever thought maybe you were experiencing symptoms of a heart attack or something serious and second-guessed yourself?
2016/03/21
If You Could Save Your Child’s Life with a Simple Test, Wouldn’t You?
Disclosure: I’ve partnered with DiMe Media to share this important information about tuberculosis testing.
Health has been at the forefront of my mind recently, mine especially thanks to the year of medical issues that just keep coming but it’s also reminded me that my family is not bulletproof; none of us are safe from the effects of not taking care of ourselves.
Health is something most of us take for granted until we find ourselves sick and unhealthy but by then, it’s too late. All this has made me make health a priority in our house again. As my mom says, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure and boy, was she right.
As a mom, my children come first. When it comes to their health, I don’t want any surprises. I want simplicity so I can focus on what’s most important. That’s why I make sure that they get their immunizations and go to every well-visit. Everyone in our family gets yearly physicals. If any of us gets sick, we go to the doctor because I won’t chance our lives and health for the sake of saving a co-pay. That’s why the morning I thought I was having chest pains, even though I was pretty sure it was stomach related, I went to the Emergency room because I couldn’t chance it. Better to be safe than sorry. Also, better to be broke than dead.
There is now a blood test that can help diagnose tuberculosis infection that is a major scientific advance over the 110-year- old skin test. So, if there is a recommended test for tuberculosis for school-age children between the ages of 5-18-years-old that could prevent the onset of the illness, why would I not have my children take this simple blood test. Granted, I know taking drawing blood on a small child is traumatizing and quite horrifying to watch, for me anyways, if I’m being honest but so is the alternative.
Tuberculosis is not some obscure disease that no one contracts; it’s not like “cooties.”
It’s real and it can affect anyone sometimes there are no symptoms and you don’t even know that you contracted it and other times it can kill you. TB infection, also referred to as latent TB, occurs when a person has the bacteria that causes Tuberculosis in his or her body, but the bacteria are not causing any disease or symptoms. If you are diagnosed with latent TB there is a chance that the bacteria may cause disease in the future, so you are likely to be offered treatment to prevent this from happening. This is most likely what my grandmother had as a child.
TB infection is usually chronic and silent before it becomes active. This inactive carrier state can persist for weeks, months or years before developing into active contagious disease. The disease is an airborne, highly contagious, infectious disease caused by a bacterium, Mycobacterium tuberculosis. Most frequently, TB affects the lungs, however, it can also cause diseases in any part of the body, such as the lymph nodes, bones, brain, organs and eyes. It is an equal opportunity illness.
This is not some obscure disease of the past as many might think. It is a serious disease that kills about 1.5 million people each year worldwide. The key purpose of diagnosing latent tuberculosis infection is to identify who is at risk of progressing to active TB disease.
TB is a major health problem worldwide. Here are some staggering facts to consider:
- 30% of humans are infected
- A new infection happens every 3 seconds
- Every 21 seconds, someone dies of TB
- Primary care physicians can and do make a huge difference in identifying and treating TB infection before it blossoms into active disease. 37 million lives have been saved between 2000 and 2013 through identification of infection and treatment.
My grandmother had tuberculosis when she was a child, only no one even knew about it until she developed lung cancer as an adult and then they saw the scarring. That’s scary. I don’t want to run that risk with my own children’s health.
The TB blood test is the only available method of testing for TB with completely objective results. Other tests, such as the skin test, are subjective and open to visual interpretation. In contrast to the TB skin test, the TB blood test allows you to get accurate results in just one visit leading to meaningful benefits – more ease, more time, more certainty.
This new tuberculosis blood test is an easy and simple process that gives accurate results, so why wouldn’t we do it for our children?
2016/05/25
Cochlear Helps Make the Impossible Possible
Disclosure: This post made possible through the support of Cochlear. All opinions are my own.
Can you imagine a world with no sound? Never hearing your husband say, “I love you” or your baby’s first giggle? Can you imagine never hearing birds singing, wind blowing or waves crashing into the shore? Imagine never being able to hear the voice of your mother or your toddler whisper, “I love you, Mommy.” I can and the thought terrifies me.
You see, for years when I was a little girl, I suffered from chronic ear infections which led to permanent hearing loss in my right ear. It’s only considered mild hearing loss but it made things challenging for me, as a small child and, to some degree, even now.
For instance, it’s hard for me to hear people when they are not looking directly at me when they’re speaking. It sounds like mumbling to me. It’s a little like hearing through a window or listening under water. Of course, as time has gone on, I’ve acclimated to my deficit. Most of the time I don’t even think about the fact that I’ve lost some of my hearing.
But I notice that I feel the need to concentrate when I listen, so sometimes when people are talking to me it seems like I’m staring at them when all I’m really doing is listening. If you’ve met me in person, you’ve probably noticed this. My hearing loss happened over time but we found out the loss was permanent when I was 6-years- old. This led to 5 years of speech therapy in which I was taught to slow down, enunciate and listen.
I hated having to go to speech therapy when I was in elementary school because it made me feel like an outsider but honestly, it taught me valuable lessons about communication that I’ve carried with me for my whole life; valuable lessons that I’ve used in parenting my own daughters; the true value of not only listening but hearing what others are saying.
I learned the importance of slowing down to tune in to my children, talking more with my daughters and taking turns to make sure that not only are my children heard but understood. I make it a point not to speak at my children but with them.
My experience also made me sensitive to my children’s speech when they were young. As a result of my hearing loss and years in speech therapy, I made it a point to be aware of my children’s social cues while communicating because some things were beyond their vocabulary. If I ever felt the need for concern, I would simply bring it up to their pediatrician in private.
All of this has built a foundation for trust and open dialogue with my daughters that I hope continues to grow throughout their lives. I don’t think I would be as attentive of a mother or informed about hearing and speech issues had I not experienced them myself and, for that, I’m grateful.
In the end, I may have some mild hearing loss but I didn’t have any learning disabilities or speech delays because of it but some children are not so lucky. Thankfully, technology has made it possible to help some children and adults.
Cochlear, in operation for over 30 years, is the global leader in implantable hearing solutions, providing products (cochlear implants, bone conduction, and acoustic implants) that are designed to treat a range of moderate to profound types of hearing loss. They’ve helped over 450,000 people worldwide have access to sound.
The amazing thing about Cochlear is their passion to connect with parents who want their kids to have access to hearing to help with language and development so they can live their lives without limits.
Cochlear knows communication is the crux of everything in parenting and an essential step in every parent’s journey is working on speech, language, and developmental milestones and they want to make that journey as successful as possible.
What would you do if the impossible were possible?
2016/06/07
Stanford Rapist Brock Turner Sentence Reduced for Good Behavior
Brock Turner, the Stanford University swimmer, convicted of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman and leaving her next to a dumpster has already had his controversial, barely-there six-month jail sentence reduced by 2 months according to court documents obtained by The Daily Mail.
Brock Turner, 20, has already had two months knocked off his sentence for “expected good behavior behind bars”, which means he’ll be a free man as early as Sept. 2.
Yes, people, lock up your daughters because coming soon to a city near you, this piece of shit rapist will be walking the streets free and clear.
As soon as this fall, Brock Turner will be free on the streets, able to find another victim, force himself on her, claim it was just another misunderstanding and get just another slap on the wrist.
Mr. Turner is also in the process of appealing his conviction and moving his three-year probation to his home state of Ohio. All while his dad is fund raising for his son’s legal fees. A customer service representative for the Wright-Patt Credit Union confirmed that Dan Turner, the father of Brock Turner, established the account into which funds solicited through the Facebook fundraising page would be deposited. The credit union account is still active as of this update. It is unclear whether Dan Turner also established the page soliciting the funds, which purported to be authored by a friend of the Turner family. Because you know, this has all been so hard on the Turner family. I bet it is hard knowing you raised a rapist.
The page has since been taken down.
Which makes me wonder, what the hell is going on in high schools in Ohio. Wasn’t it just a few years ago that a group of high school boys gang raped an intoxicated, unconscious girl in Steubenville, Ohio? Why do we keep blaming the victims for ruining the rapists lives? How is society getting this so ass backwards?
What are your thoughts on the Brock Turner case and the reduction of his sentence?
2016/06/09
No Air
Sometimes I forget that I live in a world full of triggers. Sometimes I forget just how terrible reality can be. How sad and empty the world is without certain people and then something happens and it’s like life shakes me hard to remind me just how fragile life is. I think this is what keeps me human and humble.
Nothing like a swift reminder that there are no guarantees. People die. People leave. Life hurts and that is the reality. Even when someone seems like they have it all, devastation can be waiting right around the corner. That’s the real reason you should never envy anyone because you never really know what they are going through. The worst part is that life is so random and we have absolutely no control of it, not really.
I guess I’m feeling a little discombobulated lately thanks to to recent losses. Last week we lost someone close to our family and now, he’s just gone. Not here. Someplace else. No longer here for guidance. What once was a crucial thread in the tapestry of our life has become completely unraveled and been removed. He’s gone and we just have to learn to live in that new reality. It’s shocking because it was so unexpected but then we began to digest it, as we do, and navigate life in our new reality minus one.
Then last night, I found out that someone who was a huge part of my childhood died. It’s silly, really. He’s a celebrity. We’ve never met but I felt a connection to my dad through him and his music. He’s from the same part of Mexico as my dad. He was a year younger than my dad. I grew up listening to him in the background of my life’s soundtrack. I passed his music along to my children as a part of my own father’s legacy. He’s always been there and now, he’s not.
This sent me down a rabbit hole of sadness. My dad is in Mexico right now. I haven’t seen him in 8 months. Juan Gabriel has always reminded me of time with my dad. This reminded me of my dad’s younger brother, my favorite uncle, Narciso. He’s dead. He was murdered when I was 16. Which reminded me of my great uncle, Ramon, he died when I was 13. He was like a Grandpa to me. I was his favorite. This made me think of the baby I lost and how different my life would look if these people were alive. Now, I’m in a hole seeing nothing but darkness asking myself, how am I even breathing in this world with no air?
You know, each time someone I love dies I try to convince myself that they are in a better place. I tell myself that they are together and one day I will see them again. That’s how I get through it. I tell myself. I convince myself that they are better off, even if my heart is breaking into pieces. But what if they aren’t? What if when we die, that’s it?
I hope not. I hate to think that death is the end for the people I loved so dearly; good people who did good in the world, if nothing else than love me; care in a world that so often doesn’t.
I thought I was okay. Then I dropped the girls off at school this morning and saw the reader board. There it was, our Monsignor’s name followed by the time for visitation, vigil and tomorrow’s funeral time. Then a wave of sadness hit me with the realization that I will never see his smile again. My children are going to say goodbye at a private visitation this morning with their classes. I hate that I can’t be there to hold their hand for this. I hate that they have to say goodbye to someone they love at such a young age.
Tomorrow we say our final goodbye. This morning, I’m feeling fragile thinking of all the loss realizing that when you love fully, you live surrounded by triggers and reminders of what could have been and what was. In moments like these, it’s hard not to go down the rabbit hole and feel sorry for yourself but that’s not what they, these dearly departed of ours, would want. It’s not what I’d want. So, in a couple minutes, I’m going to wipe away these tears and live in this moment because even though sometimes it feels like there is no air…there is. We live surrounded by it.
So now, I inhale and I exhale and I repeat until it feels natural again. I keep living and enjoying my life as fully as possible because those people I’ve lost would accept no less. And the cold hard truth is that we only have one life and it’s really short. We have to make it count. Life is a full contact sport and none of us survive in the end.
2016/08/29