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The TRUTH About Motherhood

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  • Parenting on Cannabis This is Your Mom on Drugs

    Parenting on Cannabis This is Your Mom on Drugs

    Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

    Motherhood is f*cking hard. Like really freaking, punch you in the lady balls and pull your hair while running away with your big wheel and your sucker hard. Sometimes it sucks and sometimes, it’s even harder than that. But we moms, we soldier on. We push it all down, pull up our big mom panties and do all the sh*t we don’t want to do because if we don’t no one else will. Facts.

    I mean does anyone think women specifically like to randomly clean up everyone else’s shit and wake up 47 times a night with cranky babies, finicky toddlers and sick children? The answer is no, Karen. Estrogen does not make us better at or even like any of those things. We love our children but all the inconveniences of motherhood…not so much. We need a release, one that won’t cause society to call us narcissistic, selfish or bad moms.

    This is your mom on drugs.

    Close your mouth. If you’re a mom, you know what I mean. If you’re not a mom, no one is asking for your opinion over here in “we’re tired as hell, shut the f*ck up” mom land. Forever, moms have had their hidden vices (because society judges us too harshly) some moms survive by the grace of wine o’clock, others something prescribed for anxiety, some of us should buy stock in edibles and others of us, apparently, you granola betches love a good shroom microdose. I’m not judging, edibles are my actual chill pill and I feel more in control than when prescribed Xanax.

    I never tried pot in high school. I didn’t do molly, acid or cocaine in college. If we’re being really honest, growing up where I did, drugs were offered in middle school but my dad was (still is) very strict with a no drugs and alcohol policy and breaking his rules was just too big of a risk for me to take for anything. Besides, when I was in high school and college, I didn’t need chill pills because, well, I had no responsibilities, no bills and no children. I slept when I was tired. Ate when I was hungry. I did what made me happy. That’s not the case anymore. I donated my body to this thing called motherhood and I’m pretty sure when I die, my parts will be out of warranty from the sheer exhaustion and years of abuse it has sustained. I mean they call it mommy’s little helper for a reason, people.

    Anyways, here I am 17 years into motherhood and my favorite thing to do after the kids go to sleep is to pop a gummy, wait an hour and see what crazy culinary concoction I will create like a mad scientist to satiate my cravings. Thankfully, the Dory brain I get from a gummy or half of one pretty much eliminates any guilt because I can’t retain such useless emotions from one moment to the next. My cannabis gummy takes down my barriers and leaves me to prioritize only what is of the most importance. But don’t try to have a conversation with me. It’s pretty much like what you would imagine having a conversation with your succulent would be like! Yeah, edibles are not good for weight loss or having intelligent conversations but they are fabulous for sleep, stopping panic attacks, and chilling right the f*ck out. That’s why I’m chunky but overall pretty happy.

    Still, I’m a mom and none of the baby books say that moms, in particular, should be celebrating 4/20. But then again, what do books know and most likely those books were written by overachievers who are trying to raise babies by some crazy, unattainable parenting standard. I’m here to tell you, those of us real ones, the ones who have served on the frontlines 100% recommend cannabis over child abuse.

    The truth is that parenting is hard and no book can prepare you for the reality of keeping little people alive, never mind during a pandemic. Remember, I’m speaking as the mom of teens so they are pretty self-sufficient, once I put them to bed, it’s my time. My husband doesn’t get high because it’s not his thing so he’s always sober. I only mention that my kids are older because I didn’t get high when they were little because 1) it wasn’t legal 2) most of the time I was alone with them 3) it wasn’t as accessible as it is now. But all that has changed. And I’m not judging anyone. We’re all just trying to survive over here. 

    Here are some benefits of parenting on cannabis recreationally or medically.


    PPD Relief

    Nearly 80% of new moms experience some form of mood disturbance after giving birth, including mood swings, sadness, and irritability. One in nine mothers is diagnosed with postpartum depression, a severe mood disorder that causes prolonged withdrawal from family and friends, inability to eat and sleep, excessive mood swings, and difficulty bonding with the baby. Marijuana has been found to successfully treat postpartum depression, offering a reprieve for mothers that are unresponsive or uncomfortable with traditional medical treatment.

    Treatment for Anxiety

    An estimated nine percent of mothers are affected by severe postpartum anxiety, and an even larger percentage of mothers will experience anxiety over the course of their lifetime. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, women are two times more likely to suffer from anxiety than men. Occasional marijuana use has been shown to decrease symptoms of mild to severe anxiety, as well as other related disorders such as obsessive-compulsive disorder and impulse-control disorder.

    Bringing Partners Together

    Couples who smoke together, stay together. Some couples report that smoking marijuana together decreases the frequency of arguments, and increases sexual satisfaction and intimacy with a partner. This can be especially useful for parents, as rates of relationship dissatisfaction increase two-fold when a couple has one or more children.

    Alternative to Prescription Drugs

    Prescription drug abuse among women has increased by 500% in the past decade. Now more than 18 million women over the age of 26 use prescription drugs for uses other than prescribed, and the rate of abuse is suspected to be higher in mothers than non-mothers. Marijuana offers many of the same benefits of prescription drugs, most notably pain relief, with a far lower addiction rate and fewer withdrawal symptoms.

    Cannabis is not what it used to be. Getting your weed now feels like hitting up your local Genius Bar. It’s bright, white, sleek and modern and feels very exclusive and dirty but not really. All I know is that the dispensary is one of my happy places. In some ways, it’s even more magical than Disney.

    Honestly, I think parents probably need to get high more than anyone else on the planet. We’re adults, with joint bank accounts, 2.5 children, bills, mortgages, tuition sandwiched in between taking care of our parents and our children all while trying our best to survive it all sober. Don’t we all deserve time, now and again, to just be a human being (apart from our parenting role) and gently float away for few hours to a place where all the beautiful things in life are amplified and all the stress and worry are muted? We do.

    What’s your favorite cannabis parenting snack?

     

  • 5 Tips for Starting to Eat Healthier

    5 Tips for Starting to Eat Healthier

    It’s the beginning of a new year and we’re all optimistic about embarking on a new healthier lifestyle. Who doesn’t want to live their best life? However, who really knows where to start. Skinny isn’t necessarily healthy, I should know. Eating healthy is a great way to ensure that your body gets the nutrition it needs to stay strong and healthy. It’s also great fuel for staying active. Many people struggle with eating healthier, I know I do. I’m great until it gets “too hard” and then I give up. I’m not alone, many people feel like the transition is too difficult or require them to make too many changes in their routine. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

    Here are five simple tips for starting to eat healthier.

    1) Start Your Day Right

    A good breakfast is essential for setting you up for success throughout the day. Instead of reaching for something processed and sugary, try having some eggs, a piece of fruit, or some Greek yogurt with berries. And if you’re short on time in the morning, try prepping breakfast ahead of time so that all you have to do is grab and go! I’m putting Overnight Oats, Daily Harvest smoothies and bowls and, my default favorite, avocado toast with a drizzle of honey and sirracha in rotation. All these options can help you start your day on the right foot.

    2) Bring Your Lunch

    Eating out can be expensive and unhealthy—it’s much better to bring your own lunch from home when possible. Preparing lunches ahead of time makes this easier; you have to grab them from the fridge instead of stopping somewhere on your way back from work or school. Start meal prepping for lunch by packing up leftovers from dinner or bringing tabouli salads and sandwiches made with nutritious ingredients.

    3) Drink More Water

    Water is life. Literally. Staying hydrated throughout the day helps keep your body functioning well and can even help reduce feelings of hunger that can lead people to overeat. Drinking plenty of water also helps flush out toxins in your system while keeping you energized and focused throughout the day. Carry a reusable water bottle around with you so that you always have access to water when needed—this will come in handy during long days at work or school! I know not everyone is as water obsessed as I am but I’m telling you it is for your best. If you need to change up the taste try adding fruit to your water, a little pineapple, strawberry, orange or lemon can go a long way in the flavor department.

    4) Eat More Veggies

    Vegetables are incredibly nutritious—they provide essential vitamins and minerals as well as fiber which helps keep you full between meals. Try adding more veggies to every meal by having roasted brussels sprouts or broccoli as a side dish at dinner or adding some spinach into an omelet in the morning. You could even try smoothies by blending some leafy greens like kale with frozen fruit! This is also a great place to add in some collagen peptides and protein via powders. You can tell I’m getting older because I’m trying to make even my healthy foods more healthy with supplements and vitamins.      

    5) Plan Meals Ahead of Time

    It’s much easier to stick to healthy habits if meals are prepared ahead of time, so cooking isn’t an option when hunger strikes late at night after a long day at work or school. Meal planning takes away some of the stress associated with preparing healthy meals each day; simply take an hour on Sunday afternoon (or whenever works best for your schedule) and plan out what meals you want during the week ahead! This will save time during busy weeks when eating healthily might otherwise feel impossible due to lack of time.

    Eating healthier doesn’t have to be complicated – start small with simple steps like drinking more water throughout the day, bringing lunches from home, eating more vegetables each meal, planning meals ahead of time, and starting off each morning right with breakfast! With these easy tips, you can easily start eating healthier without any stress or hassle! 

    If you really want to feel your best, move. It doesn’t matter what you do, just move your body for at least 20 minutes a day. My favorites are walking indoors or outdoors, yoga, rowing and working out with Obe fitness. I’ll share more about that in an upcoming post, as well as, daily on my instagram stories. Good luck. We’ve got this.

  • Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!

    I just dropped Bella off at kindergarten roundup/2 hour orientation at our churches school. I know she is in good hands. I know its only for two hours. I know she loves it. But just like the first day of preschool, she had on her “nervous” face. My girl is a very brave, get through anything kinda little girl. Don’t get me wrong, this girl can whine with the best of them but when its something important..she knows. She sucks it right up and carries on. No tears, no argument, no tantrum. She is amazing. Anyone, who has a child, knows that as happy as our child’s true smile in the face of happiness can make us feel, is how equally terrible our child’s “nervous” face can make us feel. The only thing more heartbreaking is the real “scared ” or truly “sad” face that  I ,personally, never want to see.We want to make everything easy and safe for our child, but like most milestones/firsts in our child’s life, we can’t protect them from everything. Some things they simply have to work through. Like when they were learning to walk and would fall, or when they were learning that fire was hot and decided to touch the glass front of the fireplace. We can try and warn prepare them or make the house safe but we can’t stop everything , short of placing them inside of a bubble of love with no contact with the outside world.I think the safest place for them would be to just hang out in the womb until they were around 25. Of course, that could make life a little uncomfortable for us Mommies.
    This morning went a little smoother than I expected. Her little sister didn’t go full on crazy, when we dropped her off. Remember the first day of preschool incident? Gabs dropping to her knees and screaming “Bella..My Bella” it sounded a lot like Brando’s “Stella”. It was heartbreaking.In the end, it was what caused my inappropriate breakdown in the middle of the grocery store ( at least I was out of sight of Bella). Today, Gabs in her infinite maturity looked at me and said, “Mommy, where Bella be? Why she not come with us” To which I answered, ” She has to stay at school for a couple hours to meet her new teacher.” I was waiting for the drama. I was all ready to do the scoop and run quick exit of the building. Surprisingly, Gabs nonchalantly says, “OK, Mommy!Me love Bella!”What? Was I the only one having the slight breakdown. Apparently, Gabs has matured beyond my years in the past 7 months. Well, I wasn’t the only one…all the other Mommies and most of the Daddies, left with overflowing eyes.
    It got me thinking. I did this last year for preschool,the first day of children’s liturgy, now for roundup. I’m sure for the first day of 1/2 day Kindergarten and then again for full day 1st grade. When does this pain go away? Seriously, its like every time I turn around a little piece of my heart is being ripped from my chest. Its completely awful.I thought my heart being broken days were over when I got married. Why is it no one told me that I’d fall more deeply in love with my children than any man I had ever known? Probably the same reason no one told me how bad labor actually was, I wouldn’t have believed them if they had. The pain of labor, wow..that takes me back. Who knew that was just the beginning of the pain but at least that was tolerable because there was an end in sight. All they are doing is growing up, becoming more independent ( as I want them to be. I want them to realize as much of their potential as is possible) but it breaks my friggin heart on a daily basis. What they don’t tell you in the parenting manual is that from the moment these little heart breakers exit the womb, you spend every day having to let go, just a little. I think its nature/God’s way of preparing us parents for the big exodus to college at the age of 18. If we didn’t start letting go in small doses at the age of 3, we’d never be able to survive when they left for college. It’s not fair. Thank God with that comes the ability to love with no bounds and to have that love returned to you , every single second of every single day. My baby’s can keep taking pieces of my heart because just like it grew to accommodate each new child, there is an infinite amount of times it will regenerate to supply a lifetime of love for them both. So, take it….take another little piece of my heart now baby!

  • One Girls Honest Battle with Eating Disorders and Body Image in College

    One Girls Honest Battle with Eating Disorders and Body Image in College

    Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

    Let’s talk about something a lil icky, weight gain. I’m 19-years-old, about to finish my freshman year of university, and medicated. But before I get into all of that, let’s start with some basics. I am 5’10, not nearly as active as when I was ages 10-15, dancing 30 hours a week. I’m busy with work and school, so I usually don’t have time for all 3 meals. I thrive on caffeine and a dream 99% of the time, slaying my classes and trying to be a functional person in my family. But recently when visiting the student clinic for a sinus infection, they took vitals as usual, blood pressure, temperature… and my weight. If I’d never had any predisposition for eating disorders or body image issues, this was enough to set my mind on fire.

    Let me tell you, when you are already sick and exhausted the last thing you want to do is be weighed, but we all have to go through it. I try not to look at the scale when being weighed just because I know that I have some struggles with food, weight, and exercise. Now, my lovely, amazing mama tried her damndest due to her own eating disorders to make sure my sister and I grew up body positive, especially in the dance world. That being said, it was just kind of inevitable. Nothing was ever said directly to me, but constantly hearing your standard petite, very thin, best friend constantly be called “fat” or “a whale who eats too much” makes something in your brain flip. It happens just as quickly, if not faster, than turning the light on in your room. You start to think if this is what they think of her, wtf do they think of me? 

    This was the beginning of the slow an steady hits to my body image. 

    Now, I never really had an “aha” moment but it definitely started around age 12. Seeing myself in tights and a leotard 6 days a week surrounded by mirrors, oof, it was rough, and I never really discussed it with anyone because my best friend wouldn’t understand, she was nowhere near as “fat” as I was, she could only understand the hurtful insults constantly being heard. Picking clothes to wear everyday now that I’m no longer confined by uniforms, is such a nightmare struggle because I hate everything I put on my body. 

    I never really brought it up to my mama because she struggled with her own eating disorders and I didn’t want her to feel like she “failed” in a sense that I was feeling this way. When I was 12 that’s when I stopped eating breakfast, just woke up and had my coffee. Lunch consisted of whatever yummy stuff my mom packed for me, because I stopped eating the cafeteria food, and that was enough until 4 or 5 pm-ish when I was home from school/before dance and when I would eat dinner with my family. 

    The gradual onset of eating disorders is almost unnoticeable in the beginning,.

    Now, enough about the origin story and back to the now. I was still, up until this weighing, only consuming coffee for breakfast and then eating dinner with the family. If there was any snacking it would be either another coffee or a granola bar of some sort. Recently though, I’ve been making small changes like a protein shake for breakfast, along with my beloved coffee, a salad for lunch, and then whatever happens to be on the menu for dinner. I try to move, walking around campus when not working on assignments between classes, but here in the midwest I must suffer from mother nature’s wrath and allergy season (which is all year round for this allergy shot girl). That plays a huge role in my ability to walk outside. I try to do lil 15 minute core routines on youtube but your girl is tired when she gets home, ready to pass out on the couch with my fur baby, Stella. 

    Earlier I mentioned being medicated, I suffer from severe anxiety, depression, insomnia, and terrible/excruciating periods. Periods so bad with radiating pain and numbness in my back and legs caused by cramps that are so severe, I sometimes feel bed bound. At the start of the new year I was lucky enough to be put on and start birth control to try and help manage those symptoms, so I’m no longer debilitated during that time of the month. I also would have very irregular periods due to stress and life, that now is being helped as well along with several other things. But even with a low dosage, adding that medication can play a role in weight gain/distribution. I’m also being treated with mental health medications such as gabapentin and prozac, both of those are known to cause little to no weight gain, but with my luck I’m definitely likely to experience that side effect. 

    I have to remind myself that I am in control of my actions, reactions and choices.

    I decided in March (my birthday month) that I want to make some changes. I want to get in shape and be healthy, because at the end of the day I need to be happy with what I see in the mirror even if it’s not accurate. I feel like there are so many people, women specifically, my age that are experiencing so many changes with moving away for college and balancing work, school, social life, relationships, etc. that many of us neglect simple things like eating healthier and getting our steps in. 

    With the help of my wonderful therapist and supportive mama, I’m determined to work on these things and try to make myself happy by making a few lifestyle choice changes i.e. when picking out outfits for class, put some thought into it the night before instead of getting frustrated because I have “nothing” to wear ( which we all know is a lie because my bedroom floor discovered in new clothes), running late just to end up in leggings and a sweatshirt. It’s so exhausting and it makes me feel terrible.

    Moms, talk to your daughters. Ask them how they feel about themselves when they stand in front of a mirror. I think there needs to be more discussions being held even though they are uncomfortable, but I know I’m not alone. Don’t stop asking, no matter how many times they roll their eyes or brush you off. My mom talks to us about everything, no matter how uncomfortable it might be. She’s taught me to get comfortable with being uncomfortable so that I can be happier and feel more in control of my own life. You can’t just ignore the hard parts, they don’t go away…they just grow and fester and get more uncomfortable. We just face it together and get through it, hopefully, less traumatized and triggered than if we tried to do it alone. We have to create an environment where our daughters, sisters, mothers and friends feel safe to be vulnerable. Because the truth is, body image struggles are all too common, affecting an estimated 50-80% of women.

    To think about how I’ve felt this way about myself since I was 12 years old, makes me sad. Just like my mom when I have my own children I’m gonna do the same things as she did. Make sure my kids are comfortable with their bodies and being naked from birth. I wish more than anything that they never think of themselves how I think of myself. 

    7 years, almost ½ of my life, I’ve hated my body and never said anything about it, because I didn’t want to upset my mom, or trigger my sister to think negatively about herself. The average onset age of eating disorders in women is between 12-25. 

    Check on the women in your life that are between those ages, ask those older in recovery and ask how they are doing, eating disorders never really go away. It’s a daily battle to make the decision to eat rather than restrict or eliminate meals. This is something I will continue to struggle with for the majority of my life. 

    One day, I hope I can genuinely be able to say I love myself, but until then I hope this helps others realize they aren’t alone. These feelings and thoughts, while unkind, are common to think. That’s the problem. Beauty standards are set for us since birth and we spend our whole lives unhappy trying to achieve them. Do the things that make you happy. I hope one day I can too, in the meantime though I’m working to make the changes. Even the Tinkerbell sized ones.

    And to any other young woman out there who is battling her own demons when it comes to food, weight, and self-acceptance – you are not alone. I see you, I hear you, and I’m here for you. It’s a daily fight, but you’ve got this. Eat the bread, wear the crop top, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Together, we can break the cycle of body shame and learn to love ourselves, one small step at a time.

  • Bailey O’Neill Bullied and Dies one day after Birthday

    Bailey O’Neill Bullied and Dies one day after Birthday

    bailey O'Neill, bully, bullies, coma, deadBailey O’Neill turned 12-years-old on Saturday, March 2; the same night that we were having a slumber party to celebrate my Bella’s upcoming 8th birthday. While we were celebrating, Bailey O’Neill and his family were not because Baily was in the hospital recuperating after a January attack by bullies left him in a coma. He died in the hospital on Sunday, March 3, one day after turning 12. When the eff are we going to say no more? When are we, the people, going to stand up against the bullies and fight back to protect the little guy?

    Bailey’s family says he was attacked on the playground at his Darby Township School in Pennsylvania back in January, suffering a concussion and broken nose. That would have been enough for me to drag these kids in and press charges. Nobody puts a hand on my baby. This case makes me want to scream. How many of our children have to die before we start treating bullies like the criminals that they are?

    He was taken to the hospital for treatment when his parents noticed that Bailey was displaying unusual behavior and wasn’t interested in eating. I wouldn’t have been much interested in eating either if I had been jumped or had my nose broken and suffered a concussion at school. I would instead be feeling vulnerable and afraid for my life.  Where were the teachers? Why wasn’t there some sort of adult supervision? Where were the adults who are supposed to protect our children?

    The day after the attack, Bailey O’Neill began to suffer violent seizures, leading doctors to put him into a medically induced coma. While in the coma, Baily caught pneumonia. Doctors were forced to give him a blood transfusion.

    bailey O'Neill, coma, Dead, Bully, Bullies

    Bailey O’Neill died on Sunday.

    I don’t know about you but I don’t send my child to school so that they can be bullied, belittled or accosted.The bullies who beat Bailey O’Neill senseless may not have killed him on the playground but they certainly set into motion circumstances that killed him and took a child from the arms of his parents too soon.

    As a mother, my heart is broken and I am pissed off. I want to see the children who assaulted him with such flagrant disregard for his life punished. Bullying is killing our children directly through these sorts of brutal acts like this one that took the life of Bailey O’Neill or indirectly by pushing our children to the point where life is so unlivable because of the constant torture that they feel that the only way to get relief is to kill themselves. I am enraged by this. This should make you angry too. This is bullshit and it could happen to any of our children.No one is safe from these sorts of miscreants.

    They don’t need to do anything to provoke it. No child deserves to be bullied. Yet, we all sit around and accept bullies to be a part of life; something to be tolerated and accepted. I say no more. No way can we accept this anymore.

    I spent yesterday listening as my daughter recounted with excitement every detail of her first sleepover. As I sat there exhausted from no sleep, I happily smiled and listened because she was here to share with me; to hear her giggle, for me to hug. Bailey’s parents have been robbed of their son forever by careless and cruel bullies who thought it was their right to pick on Bailey just because they wanted to with no regard for what he meant to the people in his life. What makes bullies think they are more important or have more value in society than those they bully? Don’t let Bailey O’Neill’s death be in vain, fight to change the way we tolerate bullies. Stop now.

    What do you think should happen to bullies who cause the death of children like Bailey O’Neill.

  • What Is Affirmative Action and Why You Should Care

    What Is Affirmative Action and Why You Should Care

    Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

    In the simplest terms, regarding higher education, affirmative action (which stemmed from the civil rights movement in the 1960s) is the practice of considering a student’s background characteristics such as race as a factor in deciding whether to admit an applicant. This is typically referring to admissions policies aimed at increasing the number of black, Latino, and other minority students on campus. This is really important to me right now especially because I have a daughter who is beginning college in the fall and I want her to see diversity everywhere.

    This is done so that colleges and universities can factor race into the equation when considering who to admit. This is not a free pass for minority students, it is a part of a holistic approach that reviews every aspect of an application, including grades, test scores and extracurricular activities.

    The fact of the matter is that even though I believe that all people are created equal, not every one of us were dealt the same hand in life. Our experiences are very different, and race plays a huge part in how our experience plays out. Whether or not English is your first language matters. Ignorant, racist predispositions that society holds tight to are holding minority children back from evolving and succeeding in the United States.

    Regardless of how many “woke” people want to say they don’t see color, they are the minority and worse still, in many cases, they only don’t see color when it’s easy or convenient or doesn’t affect them directly. I’m not blind to race or skin color. I was raised to see the differences, embrace those differences, and appreciate the differences. We don’t all have to look and believe the same to deserve human respect. We don’t even have to be friends for me to respect your humanity. You still with me?

    The bottom line is that the goal of race-conscious admissions policies is to increase student diversity, in order to enhance the educational experience for all students. It’s a counteraction to white privilege. Schools also employ recruitment programs and scholarship opportunities intended to boost diversity, but the Supreme Court litigation was just focused on admissions. Remember a few years ago when there was a scandal about celebrity parents paying their children’s way into college? Yeah, see, minority children don’t do that. They can’t do that. We have to work for it. We know that education is the great equalizer and to be educated is to have power so we are determined to do our best.

    To be completely honest, when I was a teenager applying for colleges, I hated the thought of affirmative action. Not because it wasn’t for me. Nope, I was the exact kind of kid it is meant to help. I was a very smart, capable, involved, first-generation student from a blue-collar family who worked my ass off to get into my top choice schools. I did it. This little freckled Mexican got into Harvard and every other school I applied to.

    But I never ticked that fucking “Hispanic” box, not even once. I refused to because I didn’t want all my hard work being diminished and reduced to charity by some ignorant asshole who was jealous that I got accepted and he didn’t.  I didn’t want people saying, “Yeah, but you only got in because you’re Mexican.” No bitches, I got in because I’m really fucking intelligent, and I worked twice as hard as anyone else I knew.  Yeah, I’m humble too.

    My pride made me lose out on scholarships that I could have gotten had I just checked that box. But I couldn’t do it. I’m still paying for that mistake, literally. I refused to let anyone think I needed their charity. I was just as good as any middle-class Caucasian student only my skin wasn’t alabaster, we lived pretty close to the poverty line and my dad’s first language wasn’t English. But how could I, at 17-years-old, accept that as my destiny? I couldn’t.

    You can only live for so long hearing that “Mexicans are coming over here stealing all of our jobs, living on welfare and not paying taxes.” In my house, none of that shit was true. We were taught to work hard for what we wanted. In fact, if I’m being completely honest, that is pretty much across the board for us Latinos, at least for every Latino I know.

    We are not taught to take handouts. In real talk, most of us would rather starve than take handouts. We don’t take your jobs. We take the jobs we earn and deserve, and, in some cases, we even take the jobs that most won’t take because we’re taught from birth that family is everything and hard work is honorable.  So, with no shame at all, we put our heads down and do the hard, back breaking work to feed our families because that is the point of everything.

    When I heard that the Supreme court overturned affirmative action, I was conflicted. But, I wasn’t surprised at all. After the events of recent years and the blatant racism that plagues this nation why would I be shocked that SCOTUS did this not so covert microaggression against minorities? The more I thought about it, the sadder I got because what a boring and unseasoned life we would live with no diversity?

    Our Gen Z and Alpha children, they truly don’t give a shit about color. They see it and they respect it, and they move the fuck along. My daughters don’t discriminate against anyone because of the color of their skin, their religion, their sexual orientation, their pronouns or birth gender. My children don’t care who you love or how you celebrate that love. My girls, they judge you on your character and even then, they let it go. They believe in second chances and know that people are fallible. They choose joy and love over hatred. They make better choices than the generations that came before them and they move along. If you try to challenge their beliefs, they’ll hear you out but if you’re wrong, they will stand up for what is right and what is fair. All this to say, I hope these children stay this way and change the world.

    I think affirmative action still needs to be in place because minority students are still getting passed over and shut out of colleges and universities across the country. Look, my children have had the good fortune to go to the best private schools and have every privilege there is to help them achieve their dreams of university and a career. They have choices. My girls also have upper middle-class parents who paved their way. They want for nothing. They have resources, 3 meals a day, a refrigerator full of food, air and heat. Comfortable beds and don’t have to worry about things like translating for their parents or figuring out where they’re going to get money for school lunches or clothes. They have a stay-at-home mom with 3 Master’s Degrees who makes her own rules and chooses her collaborations.  They have the life they have because their father and I worked tirelessly to give them that life because someone gave us a chance to work for our dreams.

    But that is not what my childhood was like. I did have to worry about where I was going to get money for lunches, books, clothes and field trips. When I was growing up, there were six children raised on a factory worker’s salary and a stay-at-home mom’s love. When I went away to college, no one helped me. I had to pay my own way. As a 17-year-old, had to figure it all out. I had no support system, and it was very difficult for me. But I still made it. I went hungry sometimes and sometimes the cultural differences between inside my home and outside made me feel like I was from a different planet. In retrospect, I realize that I had to work twice as hard because my situation was different from the middle-class Caucasian kids that I went to school with, which is not their fault, but it wasn’t mine either. Being different shouldn’t be a character flaw.  

    Being a minority in the United States means being born with stigma and shame because the majority will make you feel like you are less than, no matter what you do. Affirmative action was an attempt to level the playing field. It wasn’t perfect but it was something and some kind of effort is better than none; if only to make us feel like we are seen, and someone cares enough to hold their hand out to help us up. It’s not a handout but a hand up. We’re not about stepping on the majorities back to get to the top. It’s about us all starting from the same point and being afforded the same opportunities to compete for opportunities, despite the differences in our skin color. That’s what affirmative action is about.

    There was one weird exception to the conservative Supreme Court majority’s decision ending race-based affirmative action in higher education on Thursday: military academies. Apparently, using race as a factor in admissions to military academies can “further compelling interests,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote.

    The distinction suggests that there could be value in using race to diversify some American institutions i.e., the U.S. military’s officer corps but Roberts’ overall decision says loud and clear that it would be unconstitutional to do so at public and private colleges and universities.

    I feel that the U.S. government is sending the message that they don’t mind our minority children dying in service to their country in the name of equality and justice that they can’t even fully receive themselves. By the same token, they can’t be afforded that same luxury at the collegiate level. This sends the message to minority parents that the U.S. government finds our children to be disposable and unworthy of educating. I call bull shit. Don’t tell our children they don’t deserve your help to better their situation while simultaneously telling them that they are perfectly okay to die for the same country, that refused to care whether they lived in poverty and ignorance.

    According to Huff Post, Liberal Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson wrote in her dissent, “The Court has come to rest on the bottom-line conclusion that racial diversity in higher education is only worth potentially preserving insofar as it might be needed to prepare Black Americans and other underrepresented minorities for success in the bunker, not the boardroom.”  What the fuck America? What the actual fuck?

    Affirmative action is about equality, that is it. No one is trying to out do the majority, we just need our kids to get a fair shot at achieving the same things in life as everyone else. What are your thoughts? Do you think affirmative action in schools is a good thing? Or is there something more progressive or maybe even more effective for leveling out the collegiate playing field for all students?

  • It’s all about enjoying the small things

    Yesterday, to put it frankly, was torturous. I was literally at my wits end. Not to be stuck on a topic but kindergarten has really tap danced its way across my sweet little Bella’s nerves. This kid is overwhelmed and emotionally spent every single day. I KNOW this is normal because I have had loads of feedback and complaints of this phenomenon occurring all over the world. Apparently, just 1 more thing those damn parenting books left out is that Kindergarten makes your little one certifiable. After surviving bed time last night all I wanted to do is talk to someone…anyone..particularly the Big Guy. I called him, ranting and raving at the lunacy that I had just endured. In retrospect, I guess I sounded like I was looking for an answer like a heat seeking missile. But I wasn’t. I know the problem, I know that its semi normal. I simply needed my sounding board to bounce things off of..for someone to hear me, especially since , I , suspect, spent the entire day talking to myself. I know this because my girls heard absolutely nothing I had said or they chose to ignore me. I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt and going with they didn’t hear me. But the Big Guy, who is again out of town, felt he needed to give me an answer. I can’t imagine how he feels with me calling out of sorts and him being there. I know he feels guilty but its not his fault. I just needed him to listen. He got frustrated at his own lack of useful suggestions and I became overwhelmed…like “I’m drowning in this craziness” overwhelmed. I became silent. I had to go. I cried..long and hard, alone in my living room with my living room shitting dog staring at me ( probably wondering why I thought I was allowed to have a break down, after all she had things to chew up and shit out. Oh, did I forget to mention that now the dog is mad at me and decided the other day to add insult to injury and tag in with the kids. To do her part, she waited until I had a vomiting migraine, the kids were out of control and then she chose her time; the bitch shit on my floor! Oh yeah, anybody want a slightly used 11 year old boxer? I joke. Or do I?  ). I felt pretty ridiculous because if you have a breakdown and there is no one there to console you or feel guilty, did it really happen? And if so, what was the purpose? Anyways, after I was all cried out, I called the Big Guy out and I told him that all I needed was a sounding board, not a solution and I was rational because I had already had my breakdown with my only witness, that living room shitting dog of mine. I told him( the Big Guy not he LR shitting dog)  that through my monumentally awful shitty day, I had gained some great parenting knowledge. I finally understood why some Mom’s go crazy  and drive their car full of kids off a bridge somewhere. I would never do that; but I so understood how someone could be pushed to the brink of sanity by screaming kids. When they work together they are a powerful force to reckon with. I also now completely understand why some animals eat their young! I heard the Big Guy gasp and sigh at the same time. I hope I didn’t scare him too badly. Or maybe I do.
    Today was a new day. Today, I made a decision that we were not going to have another day like yesterday. I don’t think any of us could mentally survive another one of those days consecutively. I changed my attitude, I changed my reactions, I breathed deeply, and today was so much better than yesterday. I actually felt like we were, before this affliction of kindergarten came through and ravished us all. I got the girls up and had clothes and breakfast ready to go. We made it to school just in time for the bell. I was very laid back. No freaking out about being late. No not me, that wasn’t the bigger picture. It was small.

    When I picked Bella up from school, no arguing. I refused to be sucked into a verbal assault by an overtired 5 year old. She got bored with trying and moved on! One more small victory. We came home to refuel before running any more errands. Normally,we would have just went from school but I knew lunch needed to be provided or I would have tired /hungry meltdowns in PUBLIC! Never a good mix.One more small victory…high five for Mommy! After lunch we hit the library to pick up some movies and books. I was quick. I told them before we even got out of the car, 2 movies and 2 books! They listened! And to make it even better, I found this amazing find for $1!

    How awesome is this? Totally fist bump worthy! We came home and went through the book, admiring the great works of the Louvre. Me and my 3 and 5 year old. This book may or may not have got me on the hook for a trip to the Louvre in the near future. Oh well, much nicer trip than off a bridge, right?LOL
    They were so good, we went to the grocery store and (wait for it) they didn’t even pester me for  one of those God awful ginormous car/cart contraptions that I usually run into everything and everyone in the store.I kept them in line with the promise of some bike riding when we got home. Oh, Thank you God for small mercies. We were in and out, with our handy list, within 45 minutes. By this time, I was getting pretty afraid of what was to come. So we got the hell out of Dodge while the getting was good.
    We got home and I kept my promise.

    I set the timer on my phone and when it was done everyone put their own bikes back into the garage, without incident.Woot Woot! Then  I let them take long bubble baths.I got them dressed and let them watch one of their library movies. I made some sloppy Joes from an awesome recipe I found and some homemade granola while they watched their movie.We enjoyed a semi peaceful dinner ( there as some mutiny when they discovered that I tried to sneak green peppers in on them in the Joes; I removed the peppers and all was remedied). Then teeth were brushed and kids were put to bed. We had a small issue with someone not wanting to go to bed because her Lilo and Stitch movie was “Right at the good part Mommy”. I gave a little and we all survived the day with no crying, no screaming, and no thoughts of the bridge or eating my young. Here’s to tomorrow, may it be even better than today!It really is all about enjoying the small things in life. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go happy dance my ass all the way to bed!Happy Mothering!

  • Last Baby, First Day of Preschool Blues

    Last Baby, First Day of Preschool Blues

    The First Day of Preschool has snuck up on me. After 4 years, my baby girl is starting preschool. Let the letting go commence. My heart is a little broken at the very thought at not having my little girl next to me every day all day, her big bright smile beaming up at me at any and every hour of the day. Her giggle not resonating through the house at something silly she has thought up or seen on the television. No sticky little fingers to grab at my breakfast. No little toes to trip me when I walk. No small little hands to hold mine when we leave her sister at school. No more special breakfasts, just the two of us. My last baby is starting her first day of preschool.

    First day of preschool, last baby

    The truth is that it has all gone by way too fast. It feels like a month ago that I found out I was pregnant and heard your heartbeat for the first time. Wasn’t it just yesterday that I brought you home from the hospital, swaddled tightly in a little blanket of pink. Wasn’t it just a couple of hours ago that I was changing diapers and waiting desperately for you to say Mama and take your first steps? Where have the years gone? I want them back. I want to hold you in those moments and close to me forever. I know babies outgrow their Mommies laps, but you will never outgrow my love.

    last baby, first day of preschool

    First Day Of Preschool, where have the years gone

    There is so much change coming. I remember this part. This is where my forced letting go begins. This is where your growing up begins. This is where the hurt starts. I am so proud of you. You are so smart. You will take preschool by storm. You are fearless. You are amazing in ways that I can not fully explain. I am sitting here typing through tear filled eyes because I know where this road ends. A parent’s job is to raise children that make the world a better place, to be humans that we wish we could be more like to fulfill their potential and exhaust their dreams. I will be your biggest cheerleader, no matter where your passions may lead and I will always be here when you need to come home. My heart will ache, it may even break, bursting with pride and love for you my little girl. Tomorrow will be just the first in a long line of little letting goes.

    last baby, first day of preschool, bluesTomorrow, the First Day of Preschool

    Tomorrow, we begin a new chapter. Tomorrow will be one of the hardest mornings of my life. Tomorrow, my last baby has her first day of preschool. I have already summonsed the troops. The Big Guy is taking a vacation day. When Ella started preschool, Abs held my hand and we spent the morning together, trolling the aisles of the grocery store keeping ourselves occupied until we could pick Ella up from school. Abs had spent that morning screaming down the hallways of the school, as I pulled her away kicking and screaming “ELLA!!” Tomorrow, that will be the Big Guy’s job but this time it will be me who is kicking and screaming, raging against my baby growing up..crumpling to the floor in a pool of snot and tears. I only hope that I can hold the tears at bay until I am securely out of Abs’ line of sight. God, how I love this kid. She is my heart and soul. She is my happiness.

    first day of preschool

    How did you deal with the letting go? Does it ever get easier? I am so dreading college that I feel like I could vomit at the very thought of it. What helps you get over that missing my baby hump? Or worse, how do I get over this giant lump in my throat? Every time I think of dropping her off tomorrow morning, my eyes begin to fill up and I just know if I try to speak…I will cry. I’ll need you ladies tomorrow to metaphorically get me through the first of many letting goes of my last baby. How did you deal with the first day of preschool?

    My last baby, First Day of Preschool Blues

  • DON’T mess with Texas

    I’m sure you’ve all seen this video about the 13 year old boy,Isaiah Johnson, in Houston who was brutally beat down by his teacher, Sherri Davis. Jamie’s House Charter School, a school for students at risk where many of them have disciplinary problems, fired Davis, but Isaiah’s mother, Alesha Johnson, wants her put behind bars. I agree.

    Does anyone really think that her behavior is acceptable under the circumstances? Perhaps, if she feared for her life or that of the others in the class? Perhaps, if he were wielding a knife or gun? They say that the teacher unleashed the beating on the student when he provoked her by teasing an alleged mentally challenged student. Still, no excuse for this behavior. Reprimand him, send him to the principal to be properly addressed. My God, she BEAT a child. She physically and mercilessly laid hands on him, repeatedly.

    If a parent beat a child they’d be brought up on charges. At the very least shouldn’t this woman be locked up somewhere? I can tell you that if a teacher beat my child like this, I’d find her and exact the same punishment that she had exacted on my child. A teacher is supposed to be a trusted individual that you leave your child with for the day to expand their intellectual boundaries that does not give them cart blanch to discipline a child in such an extreme manner.

    I don’t believe in corporal punishment at all and I surely don’t think that a teacher has the right to lay hands on a child.I thought sending a child to the principal’s office for a swat was barbaric back when I was a child. This…well,this is something quite different.My hopes are that with all this media attention, Ms. Davis will be brought up and charged and have her teachers license revoked. I think she is a menace to society and has no business around children.

    Even worse so, there was reportedly other teachers witnessing the incident. Really, no one thought it was a good idea to intervene and stop this. It is also reported but not confirmed that students were threatened to not leak the footage by one of the adult witnesses.I think any parent whose child attends that school should take a closer look at what is going on in that place and the people running it.

  • Fragile; Handle with care

    Seems lately, I have been spending a majority of my life in a never ending holding pattern. Think about that for a moment. Really think about it.Not moving forward, not achieving anything….just holding steady; making noise. On but not functioning.
    I think a lot of moms feel this way sometimes. Like you are not living up to your potential but at the same time, you are doing everything you can to get by. Using ALL of your effort, just to get through a day. Well, now take that and multiply it by about a 1000 and you will be closer to the place I have been for the past few months. It’s starting to take its toll on me. I can feel myself slowly becoming weaker ; more vulnerable. On some days I feel like I’m walking around my life like an exposed nerve. Just waiting for the slightest breeze of change to send me into a tailspin. I feel like a broken record ,s o if you feel you’ve heard it before..walk away now.

    Many of you are familiar with the situation that has consumed our lives for the past year and a half. There was May 2009, January 2010, and Now; life has been really rough with all this going on. I have been trying to hold it all together with minimal meltdowns and a stiff upper lip. It’s not always so easy. It’s very hard to run a household, take care of the children, pay the bills,  run all the errands and keep the schedule with no respite; no help whatsoever. But it is much harder when you have a husband that you are happily married to but, due to circumstances beyond your or his control, he is not there. It makes me angry to know that I did all the leg work to have this marriage but I receive none of the benefits. We’re not divorced, we truly do love one another, he’s my best friend, he’s a good father, and thanks to our economy he is pulled away from us. I think it’s a completely different feeling  than if I were a single Mother or we were divorced because its like having money and not being allowed to spend it versus just not having the money. It’s sort of like that you don’t miss what you never had. Well, I had have it, but I don’t have access. Which is possibly the most frustrating scenario ever.

    Anyways, aside from all the other craziness, now we are getting ready for school to start. My eldest baby ( yes, she is still my baby) is getting ready to start kindergarten on the 19th. This will be a difficult day for me. I know this.Exposed nerve alert! Just the thought of that impending doom makes me tear up. It’s very emotional to let your child take that first step into growing up. It’s bigger than any first step thus far, at least that is how my heart is feeling right now. Due to this situation we are in, I am not sure that my husband is going to make it to the first day. It’s our first child’s , first day of kindergarten! You know, the first day of the rest of her life. This day will never come again. I feel that it is crucial that he is there, for all of us.He has missed a lot these past few months because of his job and I think this is unmissable; not just for her but for him, as well. So, to catch you up to speed; Mommy is in an emotional state of an exposed nerve; eldest girl is nervous about kindergarten and new school and her life completely changing; little sister will have a breakdown ( On the first day of her sister’s preschool, she screamed and cried as we left “BELLA!BELLA!” ( Just imagine Brando saying “Stella” but in the voice of a distraught 2 year old.) and me..trying to hold it all together. I don’t want to do this alone. I shouldn’t have to. This has me filled with trepidation and sadness. Is it wrong for me to want my family to be able to cohabitate like a normal family? Is it wrong to want my husband around for support? I mean, I don’t want to be a pain in the ass but when is it going to end? It all just keeps getting piled on! So, this is where I am..an exposed nerve.

    Then, good news..great news. He’s been interviewing for about a month ( yes, you heard me right) with a company that would put him in a position that he would love. We get the call, with an offer that is acceptable. Great news, in theory. It means yet another move. It means its too late to get into a good school at this late of a date. It means having to try and sell our house (nobody buys in the Midwest after Labor Day) meaning we are screwed until next spring. It means finding all new schools, it means finding new doctors, dentists, ballet schools, friends and the list goes on and on. It really is good news but we can’t move until the house sells. What does all this mean? It means my husband got a great new job at a horrible time of the year for putting our house on the market, it means the taste in my mouth from trying to sell it last year on our previous move is still fresh in my mind and it scares the hell out of me, it means I’m still alone until at least next spring. I am trying to be positive and hold it all together but its hard when you’re an exposed nerve and there is no relief in immediate sight. Nobody ..NOBODY understands how this feels, unless they’ve been in this position ( for this long) and I don’t know too many people who have been in a holding pattern for this long. I know, in my mind, that when it is all said and done we will be in a much better position in our lives but the hard part is trying to survive the meantime. I deserve to be moving forward in my life,with my children, with my husband, with my dreams..not holding steady; holding on for dear life. I want to enjoy my life not just survive it. I think I can, I think I can….

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