The TRUTH About Motherhood

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Anatomy of a Mommy Blogger

Mommy Blogger Means Mommy who Blogs
When did Mommy Blogger become a bad word? The other day, I was accused by one of my readers at another site I write for ( not you ladies, you rock), who apparently doesn’t know me like you all do, of sitting around in my robe all day and thinking up these “ridiculous” articles. I wish! I believe the article was one in which I compared “real” (meaning those of us who are not celebrities. Not meaning to imply that Beyoncé is not a “real” mom because obviously if she has a baby and is taking care of it, she is “real” not imaginary.) Well, apparently Beyoncé reads that website because someone certainly attacked me for that remark and the only person who I can think of that should get that defensive about Beyoncé would be Beyoncé herself or her mama.
Then it hit me, this is what people think of mommy bloggers. They think we sit around in our pajamas all day, eating bon bons and pecking away at the keyboard while we ignore our kids and live in perpetual squalor. It is no wonder, women writers are so afraid of that title. I assure you that I do not fit any of the stereotypes that people think of when they think of “mommy blogger”. In fact, I’m pretty sure most mommy bloggers don’t.
This illusion of a mommy blogger is not feasible if you think about it because by the very definition of “mommy blogger” we have children, have given birth and/or are pregnant. This does not allow much time for sitting on our asses and eating bon bons though I wish it did. I have never eaten or seen a bon bon in my life because I have kids. Bon bons would never last in my house. As soon as I would try to put one in my mouth some little person would be in my ear asking for a bite and just as suddenly in my mouth snatching it away.
If anything, a Mommy blogger should be defined as a wonder woman like creature who has given birth, is raising children, has the balls and presumably some talent to write about it openly. I also happen to live like a functioning yet severely affected ADHD patient.
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A Mommy Blogger is a Multitasker Extraordinare
I sit down to write during naps.Five minutes in someone usually yells out for me. I walk past a toy in the hallway and pick it up. Then I walk into the bedroom to be told that little Suzy needs a drink of water. I grab her hamper and carry the clothes to the laundry room and start the washer. While the washer is filling, I walk to the cupboard to grab a cup. I fill the cup and then I wash the few dishes that are in the sink. I load the washer, walk back to the child’s bedroom and hand her the water. She asks for a tissue. I walk into the bathroom to grab a tissue. Clean the sink and make it free of toothpaste. I pick up the wet towels from this morning. I walk back across the hall, hand Suzy a tissue, give her a kiss and walk towards the laundry room. Out the corner of my eye, I see that the living room coffee table is covered in puzzles and coloring books and the cushions need to be fluffed. I take the laundry to the laundry room. As I walk through the kitchen towards the living room, I see that there are crumbs from breakfast on the table. I grab the sponge and begin to wipe the table. My phone dings. I have a text message from my husband. I call the insurance company to ask about a statement. While I listen to musak, I fluff pillows and put away puzzles. The living room is tidy. I take the pillow the girls drug from my bedroom back to my bed. Musak continues. I notice I still need to fix my bed. I fluff the comforter and realize there are loveys in my bed. More musak. I finish fluffing my pillows and straightening my bed then I walk across the hall to put the lovey on my youngest daughters shelf. Musak is still playing. She stirs and I have to stop what I am doing and soothe her back to sleep. Tip toeing out of the room, the musak suddenly stops and a very loud insurance agent yells, “Mary Jane Magilicutty, How may I help you?” Startled, I run out of the room. 20 minutes later, I am done being transferred, pressing one and explaining to this agent the extent of my stress incontinence. I am about to lose my mind. I walk to my desk to continue writing my article that I started an hour ago when the kids first went down for their nap. Shit! I forgot I need a cup of coffee. I walk to the coffee maker and begin the process of making a cup. I can’t find the creamer. I go in search of the creamer. It’s at the very back of the refrigerator behind the apple juice, organic milk and leftovers. I finally get to it and the apple juice, whose lid was apparently not closed, falls out of the refrigerator and spills on the ground. 20 minutes and a lot of cussing later I am headed back to my desk with tepid coffee after mopping up the juice. I walk over to my desk, sit down and type one sentence and a little one walks up to me and tells me they are awake. Breathe. Wait. Repeat. That, my friends, is the day in the life of a Mommy blogger.
This is my day, every day. I work in 5-minute increments and then I stay up until the wee hours of the night to make up the difference. Bon bons? I can barely sneak in a minute to eat a piece of stale cold toast. So don’t tell me that Beyoncé does more than me before 8 am because I am still asleep and then I sit in my robe all day. Hey fuck you! I run circles around Beyoncé. She has a team of people to do what she does. I am a team of one for most of the day. It’s just short people, who I can barely understand, and me. Being a Mommy blogger means I not only do all the Mommy duties of my day, I throw in researching, writing and thinking up interesting things to say.Well, things to say. Do you have any idea how hard that is when I have a raging case of Mommy brain, 2 little ones in my ear talking about everything that has ever happened to them and anyone they know and trying to remember birthdays, anniversaries, appointments, meetings and deadlines?
It’s hard but I do it because I LOVE it. I love my girls, I love my husband, I love my job and I want it all. Am I exhausted? Yes. Do I say some things that are irreverent? Yes, I am too tired to over think it. Do I make mistakes? Hell, yeah. Do I feel mental? Yes. So throat punch to anyone who thinks mommy bloggers sit around in their robes all day. Now, pass the fucking bon bons, I’m hungry, exhausted and I have a deadline and I’ve only got 5 minutes before the kids wake up again.
What do you think when you hear the word Mommy blogger?
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2012/07/12
Maggie Goes On A Diet~The Consequence
Last week, I wrote an article about the Kramer book Maggie Goes On a Diet. It’s an open wound sort of topic for me with my sensitivity about this subject but mostly I am bothered by the probability of the damage that will be caused by the message in Maggie Goes on A Diet. The premise of Maggie Goes on A Diet is basically that a young girl, Maggie, age 14, looks in the mirror and decides that she does not like what she sees in the mirror. Maggie then decides to do something about her weight problem and Maggie goes on a diet. This should be an empowering message, right? I am fully aware that we, as a nation, are in the midst of an epidemic of obesity of epic proportions. I see it everywhere I look, even in my own mirror.
My issue is that this book goes on to say that by Maggie “going on a diet” ( a word that I feel should NEVER be uttered in the presence of a child for the sheer fact of the completely negative connotation associated with it) all of her dreams come true. Not only does she lose weight, she becomes beautiful, popular and the star of the soccer team. In a nutshell, according to this book all of life’s dilemmas can be solved by merely not being fat. What a dangerous message this sends. How easily can Kramer’s message be parlayed into self-loathing, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, anorexia, bulimia and a slew of other extreme unsatisfied, not quite measuring up disorders? Since the book is written for the 4-8-year-old, how many ways do you think this message can become twisted in their little brains? Hmmm? Let me count the ways….
Maggie Goes On A Diet and the whole world is Perfect
- If you lose weight you will be prettier
- If you lose weight more girls will like you
- If you lose weight boys will like you
- If you lose weight you will be popular
- If you lose weight you can wear nice clothes
- If you lose weight everyone will love you
- If you lose weight your parents will love you more
- If you lose weight you can be anything you want to be
- If you lose weight you can have anything you want to have
- If you lose weight..everything WILL be PERFECT
- If you lose weight, YOU will be irresistible
- If you lose weight you will never be alone
- If you lose weight, you will always belong
- If the number on the scale is high, your life will be unhappy
- If you have a little extra weight, you are not worthy of happiness
- If you don’t look like everyone else, you are not good enough
- If you are not perfect, you are worthless
And then I received a comment on the original post from a 17-year-old female reader and I know I am right. Here is her comment.
I’m a 17-year-old girl and to be honest, I see nothing wrong with this book. if my parents had given me this book…yeah, I would have been a little upset, but I would know they were just trying to stubbly help me. Everybody is beautiful in their own way, but who doesn’t want to be healthy? I mean it when I say that I am the happiest I’ve ever been because I eat right and exercise daily. This book’s message may just as well be a small step to help you onto your pursuit of happiness * 17-year-old reader*
Do you see what is happening? She is already programmed and defensive. She’s been affected by this sort of mentality. She would have been happy, though upset a little if her parents had given her Maggie Goes on A Diet. Her last sentence is the most troubling, equating Maggie Goes On A Diet’s message with helping one begin their own pursuit of happiness. If this message stands to reason, what is to stop girls from starving themselves or purging? By this message, it would be completely logical to restrict the food, amp up the exercise and be all that you can be. Maggie Goes On A Diet promises a mythical utopia at the end of a weight loss journey to children who still believe in unicorns… 4-8-year-olds. Diets are not for kids. Parents are for kids. Parents need to teach healthy eating habits and model an active lifestyle. You can’t be a good parent and feed your kids crap all the time and leave them in front of a television set. I know it’s easy to give in and feed Bobby nuggets three times a day because you know he will eat THAT. I know it’s easy to give in to that tantrum and just say “Sure go ahead watch another episode of Sponge Bob or play for hours on end on the Wii, PlayStation or DS. We’ve all been there. I’m not making judgments. I speak from past experience. The operative word being past. It’s easier to pop something processed in the microwave or keep the kids entertained with technology so you can get some stuff done. Believe me, I’ve been there. I’ve done it. But the ratio needs to be 5% coping out lazy parenting to 95% making the unpopular choices, the choices that will give our children a higher quality of life in the long run. I, for one, will not be responsible for my girls contributing to the childhood obesity statistic or will I let them spend all of their time with their derrieres planted firmly in front of the tele or the computer. I will not be the reason that they develop poor self-esteem or body image issues.
I will, however, make sure that my girls are shown by example a healthy active lifestyle. I’ve started working with a personal trainer myself over the past 3 weeks and I’ve now noticed my girls emulating my working out.They take dance. They play outside. They ride bikes. The use their imagination. I buy and prepare healthy food. Do they get restaurant food? Sure, once a week we usually eat out. But I try to ensure that they are getting healthy, clean food that is balanced and nutritious. They have to try everything twice, they must eat all their fruits and vegetable but can leave carbs on the plate any time they feel they’ve had enough. Most importantly, my girls know they are better than good enough. They know that they are a sum of their parts; inside, outside, physical, mental and spiritual. Their worth is not determined by what they look like or the size of their clothes. I don’t compare them to other children or to one another. They are individuals and they are amazing…as is. They are healthy, happy, amazing and loved.Oh, how they are loved. This is what is important. I want them to feel the weight of unconditional self-love, pride and respect for themselves not magnify their flaws into full-blown insecurities and disorders. I want my girls to love themselves with the same unconditional and boundless love with which I love them. Maggie Goes on A Diet be Damned.

Maggie Goes On A Diet~Crushing Young Souls Beginning October 2011
2011/09/05
Game of Chicken Anyone?
This month is closing in on me like a Mac truck racing towards my bumper, suffocating me in the process.It started with turkey and family, and now its all a blurred haze of running to and fro, shopping, the Nutcracker is any day now, schools wrapping up, I was just informed that I am to help cook ( must be homemade..wtf?Even my kids don’t get homemade at this time of the year) for the teacher’s breakfast next month and then I got the surprise of a summons for jury duty.I almost fell to the ground in a crumpled pool of tears and assumed the fetal position.How the hell am I to fit jury duty into an already packed schedule with no family here to help? What the fuck am I, the bionic woman? Then there is Christmas. Is it just me or is anyone else feel like they are playing an intense game of chicken with Christmas?
In past years ( back when shopping was still fun for me), I’d try and have all my shopping done before the dreaded Black Friday.I thought I was so cool, all aloof and above these crazed housewives trying to save $2 on some ridiculously priced toy du jour. Oh yeah, I was a real asshole. Then I had kids and I thought, what the hell, I’ll do the Black Friday thing.I’ll play the game. The Big Guy and I went and had coffee while my MIL stayed with the baby ( she was like 8 months old).Hell, she was still sleeping by the time we had returned.There was no urgency. None at all. We were going to buy her what we wanted, no matter what it cost because she was THAT fucking special ( she takes after her Mommy).We’d even go out that afternoon, with her in tow, to buy stuff ( usually for ourselves) on the good discounts.It was a blast.
The couple years later, we had 2 kids. Money was getting a little tighter and so we decided this Black Friday had a little more importance to our lives.We had a plan, a reconnaissance mission, if you will.The objective;split up, recover the coveted items, rendezvous and pay. Simple, right?Newspapers were bought, items circled, routes plotted. We were ready.Hurrah! Then it happened…Toys R Us!If you’ve never experienced TRUS on Black Friday( or as I like to call it the fifth dimension of hell) you have no idea of which I speak. Imagine if you will hundreds of weary eyed,exhausted, broken spirit, broken mind, broken body, broken pocket book mommies and daddies waiting in the rain for a couple of hours with our same mission and a little more determined. These were the marines of parents, they were not backing down and they looked CRAZY! I’m not ashamed to admit it, I was a little afraid. The doors opened and these people, grown adults with children of their own, broke free like bats out of hell into Toys R US. There were carts being rammed, people pushed up against door jams, dolls ripped from Grandmother’s hands, in some cases, Grandmothers being beaten with said doll.It was my worst nightmare. The Big Guy and I said the hell with it, there is NOTHING in this joint worth risking our lives for..not even a damn Zune for $40. We backed our certainly out of our depth asses right the hell out of Toys R US,lucky to escape with all of our extremities and life. Beep, Beep, beep….new parents coming through. I’m sure I saw others, more seasoned parents, smirking at us and our defeat as they slightly released the death grip on their Baby Alive Dolls.
After that experience, last year we skipped it all together. We refused to even acknowledge the day existed. It was far too traumatic.The plan this year was to go out on BLACK Friday and get all my shopping done. This year, I have been a Mommy for 5 years. This year, money is tight.The year has been hard with all the traveling, tears and Daddy being away.This year, I wasn’t taking any bullshit.This year, I wasn’t taking any prisoners and if someone thought they were ripping anything out of my hands…they were risking their life and sadly mistaken.I had become my own worst nightmare. Then, after all the psychological psyching out and physical conditioning…my baby sitter crapped out on me!WHAT?

So, here I am. I’ve missed out on Black Friday, Cyber Monday holds no real enticement for me, and the month is packed full of responsibilities and appointments.Wonder if my girls would go for just getting a shit load of love under the tree..THAT I can provide.They get that every day.Too bad I can’t wrap up hugs, kisses, cuddles, sleepy smiles, children’s laughter, long lingering hugs,quiet moments, and priceless little voices lifted up in song. That’s all I want for Christmas..and maybe some alone time with my Big Guy. For now, back to my game of chicken between me and Christmas.Who’s going to swerve first..not me!Christmas, you will be my bitch!Well, if you call being my bitch, me shopping online until the wee hours of the night.But what about this jury duty business? Well, I’m not above crying and they would be real tears! What’s your worst Christmas shopping experience?
2010/11/29
Be a Better Parent Challenge – Day 24 – More about choices
Yesterday’s Be a Better Parent Challenge – Day 23 – Give ’em choices
How did that work for you? It worked ok for me. As long as I keep the choices to 2 choices, 2 choices that I am willing to accept. Of course, I did have a backfire on me yesterday. Gabs was being a little out of sorts and I told her that she could either behave and go to her first day of ballet today or continue with the craziness and not. She chose the craziness. Now, I have had to spend near 12 hours convincing her of fantastic ballet will be. I’m going to chalk that up to a major fail! I will have to choose my choices more wisely next time.
Today’s Be a Better Parent Challenge – Day 24 – More about choices
Day 24: They’re not “good” or “bad;” but their choices are
From the very beginning, we’ve always told our kids “good choice!” or “that wasn’t a great choice” to instill in them that they are, in fact, awesome, wonderful fabulous people. None of this “good boy” “bad boy” crap.We don’t want our children associating whom they are solely by the choices they make. No parent should ever tell their little child they are bad. These words have a tendency to stick with a child. Have you heard of a self fulfilling prophecy? Kids who are called bad, sometimes believe it and become it.Think on that for a moment.
However, it is their choices that can be “good” or “bad.”
When you think about it, this makes a whole lot of sense, and it’s much easier to explain to your kids, particularly when you’ve put their little butt in time out.
Some people use “right” and “wrong” choices, and I imagine there are plenty of variations, but suffice it to say that this works well in facilitating a discussion about making choices, which I think is something important to do now when you have major influence over those choices and the consequences that come with them. I think the best thing to do is to use non human adjectives to describe the choice. I prefer the “right” or “wrong” wording, versus the “good” “Bad” just because it is too easy for the kids to brand themselves with those words. What do you use when relaying to your child what kind of choice they have made? Let me know how it goes!
What do you think?
2010/08/24
Be a Better Parent Challenge – Day 16 – Say what you mean…
Challenge #16 – Say what you mean and mean what you say
I realize that this is somewhat similar to the “in a second” challenge that we had a few days ago, but it really does take things to another level. It’s probably no surprise that we often say way more than needs to be said – whether it’s because we don’t say it effectively, we say it when our kids aren’t really listening to us, or we just say it because it sounds good at the time.
But then we have to follow through on what we said.Because we want our kids to trust us. I am really big on following through, even if its just a good description or postponement of what I said we’d do until a later date. Believe me I always come up with some legitimate reason because if I don’t then basically, I am just a lying asshole. There are already too many of those in the world. I don’t want to be the first for my child.
However, we’ll worry about all that good stuff later. For now, just concentrate on what you’re saying.Take a second to think about what’s reasonable and what makes sense. Are you just saying stuff to say it or do you really want your kids to listen and understand? Do you mean everything that is coming out of your mouth? I want them to listen and understand the words that I am saying.But I also want to be sure that I am not making idle threats or false promises, so I really have to filter what I say. In fact, most of the time, I am filtering the big guy too. It’s so hard having to tell a grown man to watch what he is saying so he doesn’t permanently fuck them up.
That could really change what you’re saying and how you’re saying it. And really, truly LESS IS MORE, especially when it comes to kids. Isn’t there some statistic out there that says they really only catch like 2-3 out of every 10 words or something? I’m convinced my girls have selective hearing and only really hear the parts that benefit them.
I’m not surprised. They are 3 and 5, they are total id! How I wish I could live that way, damn you super ego! We Mommies are riddled with super ego! Super my ass. What’s so super about guilt?( Anyways, sorry about the tangent.)
We’ll have plenty more challenges that deal with this because I think it’s a biggie. But today, give it a try and see what happens.
2010/08/16
Be a Better Parent Challenge
I was visiting one of my favorite blogs Motherhood Uncensored and Kristen is doing a wonderful thing. She is starting a 30 day challenge to becoming a better parent. You know me. I can’t resist a challenge and one that makes me a better Mommy.I am so in. So, I have decided to follow along every day and post Kristen’s challenge of the day. Awesome right? I know you want to give it a go.
Today’s challenge; Be present for my kids
You know,actually listen to what they are saying. Many times, we get so engaged in trying to get the task at hand done that when our kids come up to us and start reciting their very long and somewhat drawn out stories or ask us the same question 2000 times, we have learned to tune them out. Much like our husband’s do to us. I like to think of it as a survival mechanism but really, how would you feel if you were talking and your listener was shaking their head saying “uh huh” but heard absolutely nothing you had said? I don’t know about you, but I, for one, would feel hurt, unloved,and unappreciated. Three things that I NEVER want to be responsible for making my kids feel. There are enough assholes in the world that they will encounter, I don’t want to be one of them. The challenge for today…be present. Listen to what they say, consider their thoughts, and maybe the motives behind the actions. Oh yeah, and don’t forget to take their age into consideration. I often forget that my kids are only 3 and 5, and really at that age, their behaviors are totally appropriate. It is I who is holding them to an impossible standard. Shame on me. Today, I take a really deep breath, I calm down and I listen to what the little mouths are saying….even if it is a realllly , reallllly long ass story. Good luck ladies. I hope you will join me. I think this will make us all better Mommies.
2010/08/01
What do You do when your Kid Doesn’t Match your Shoes or your Bag?
Seen a parent who uses their kids as accessories? Sounds crazy, right? I mean, who wants an accessory that makes such a mess. Parenting is a labor of love but make no mistake, it is labor.
Ever spy that mom who’s walking through the store, looking oblivious and completely put out by her children all in the same moment? You know the one, she’s dressed like one of the desperate housewives of Jersey and her child is dressed in something equally as chic. The poor kid’s sporting a kind of pathetic
The poor kid’s sporting a kind of pathetic nobody loves me, everybody hates me look? That Mom who is completely ignoring the child’s existence while simultaneously berating them, that’s the one! You’ve seen them ..at the zoo, the museums, cooking, the grocery store, church, maybe even the mirror. The ladies who like to play house but not actually live within its parameters. No cooking, cleaning, bathing, soothing sick children back to sleep..none of that. Just satisfied with the situation in theory but in fruition, they’ve decided to abort mission about 10 months after the fact…emotionally checking out. Make no mistake, I am not referring to women who
Make no mistake, I am not referring to women who have postpartum depression. I am speaking of women who had their children for the sole purpose of wanting to fit into a lifestyle and nothing more.When the task proved too difficult, they tried to cut their loses.
I have always thought that all Mommies loved their children unconditionally more than life itself. I think a good amount of us do. But there is an elite crowd, who I have found, that have children simply because that is what all their friends are doing; what is expected. They want to be invited to all the functions with the cool kids and so they procreate. You think I am joking, right? I have actually met people who have gone through all
I have actually met people who have gone through all the effort and labor of getting themselves a baby only to use that baby as a VIP pass to all the family friendly functions in town or as nothing more than an accessory. A photo op, another reason to pat themselves on the back. They want the child for what it brings but they don’t want to put any effort into the maintenance and upkeep. It is truly craziness.
Can you believe that in this day and time, there are people who would do this? Making matters worse, these are the same people who are all “get out of my house when you turn 18” and do you know why? For the same reason that the shelters are filled with cats and dogs because nothing is quite as cute as kittens and puppies…something to put into a little purse and show off to anyone who will look. I think it is beastly when its done to animals but unforgivable when its done using little human beings.
A child is a gift, a trying, exhausting, drive you crazy and steal all of your sleep gift..but none the less a gift. People did this back in the day because they needed people to work their land…so they grew a farm team but they loved them. They interacted with them. In today’s society, it is so easy to completely take care of your child but never have to actually interact with or engage them. We have Nanny’s, Manny’s, television, credit cards, boarding schools, babysitters, camps, preschool, any and every class you can think of. If you are determined enough you can fill every single moment of your child’s day and seldom have to even say hello. They can be like the good china, you only bring them out for special occasions…you know, when you need a kid to gain access to a situation.
For us parents who are full on Mommies who really want our kids, not because they match our bag and shoes but because they are our lives, its hard for us to understand why someone would only engage with their child on special occasions.Why would you not embrace the opportunity? We could not imagine our lives without our children.
Our children are not our accessories, our children are the world for which we wear all else.A child is a gift and a responsibility, forever. If you are so lucky to have one, love them and cherish them as they deserve to be. You chose to bring them into the world, they did not choose to come into yours. They are not intruders, they are your guests. Once you have children, its time to put away your own childish things and become an adult.
What do you think of parents who use kids as accessories?
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2017/04/11
The Greatest Mother’s Day Gift Ever
Moms will tell you they want nothing for Mother’s Day. Some will tell you that you are enough. Your cute little faces and your sticky little hands. She means it, for about an hour Mother’s Day morning while you are serving her breakfast in bed and handing her sweet homemade gifts. They really are the best Mother’s Day gifts of all; tiny handprints and papier Mache flowers made with love and baby spit add to it a sweetly scribbled I love you by your little one and you are mommy mush.
But that’s not what she really wants. What every mother wants for Mother’s Day is the day off. No cleaning. No dishes. No laundry. No cooking. No obligations.
Quite frankly, the best Mother’s Day gift is the day off from mom duty.
Don’t take it personally. It’s not you, it’s us. Just kidding, it’ you.
Being a mom is amazing. I love being a mom 364 days a year. Ok, maybe it’s more like 355 days a year but I need days off people. Even the janitor gets 2 days off a week.
But most moms are too afraid to say it out loud because they don’t want to offend anyone, least of all aforementioned children and the man who helped make this dream of motherhood come true. But if I’m being completely honest, and I am speaking on behalf of 99.9% of the moms (I know because I took an unofficial poll of moms drinking wine and dropping truth bombs) we all want the day off.
I want to sleep in until I wake up. Then by all means, please bring me a hot breakfast in bed with milky hot coffee. Spoiler alert, mommy does not like cold food. I never have, baby. To be honest, cold food is kind of disgusting. I’d rather not eat at all. I’ve been faking it for years.
I don’t want to do anything. I want no obligations. I want to move freely in the world with no one tethered to my side. I want to play the music I want to hear at the degree of loudness I want to listen to it and I want to dance without you looking at me like I’m a weirdo.
I want to watch whatever R rated movie or mind-numbing television I want to watch with no regard for what you want to do. I want to take a long, hot bath with no one knocking on the door or hearing bickering children. I want more out of life than an unlocked, half-open bathroom door where I take a semi-private timed race piss. I want privacy.
I want time to be able to fix my hair, put on my makeup, iron my clothes and get ready without having to be somewhere. I don’t want to get ready while you rush me because I need to taxi you someplace I never wanted to go in the first place. And no, your obnoxious friend who never shuts up and is entirely too loud cannot come over today. No child that hasn’t sprung from my vagina cannot be in my house on Mother’s Day. Go bother your own mom.
I don’t want to have to break up any sibling fights. Suffer the wrath of any rolling eyeballs or be subjected to listening to endless hours of you. On this one sacred day, can it please be about me? For the love of God, can I eat strawberry ice cream? You are probably wondering what the hell I mean by this.
It has come to my attention recently that my favorite ice cream is fresh strawberry ice cream. However, fresh strawberry ice cream will never be found in my house. Want to know why? Because my children don’t like strawberry ice cream and apparently, I live my life around their happiness and forget about my own. Well, not today suckers! I am eating strawberry ice cream while drinking vodka and watching a Fifty Shades of Gray marathon. Just kidding, no fucking way am I wasting my day off watching a movie whose book reads like it was written by an illiterate teenager.
Mostly, I want to have choices to do what I want to do, free of the influence of what everyone else around me wants to do. I think all moms deserve a day off to spend however they want to without guilt or retribution. If she wants to spend it with you, she’ll call you. You don’t have to call her.
I won’t lie, I am pretty lucky. The Big Guy figured me out around my 3rd Mother’s Day. He came in and said, don’t lift a finger. I’ll take care of everything. Take the day off. And that’s when I decided he’s never getting rid of me. We are lobsters. I’m never taking my claws off him. This man gets me.
So if you think taking mom to brunch and making her hang out with the kids all day is what mother’s day is all about, you have missed the memo. We get it. We’re moms. We do it every single day. If you want to make things special. Take the kids to the park or the movies and give mom time to relax and think, maybe catch up on her favorite binge-watching a show or take that long hot bath with her 80’s music blaring. Give her time to miss you and appreciate the kids. Hell, go crazy take them away for the weekend. Come back on Sunday for the celebration.
If you’re looking for something at a gift shop to give us and want to throw some chocolates and diamonds at us, or if you’re planning to pick up flowers from a florist, we don’t mind. Those are the cherries on top of motherhood. But what we really want is the day off to do what we want. Think of it this way dads, on Father’s day, you probably don’t spend the day at home being held, hostage. Most dad’s get the day to go golfing using this overhead mounted monitor like all men like to do without kids. Why is that? Because sometimes you just want to feel like a human and not just someone’s parent. Well, we moms…we feel the same way.
Don’t get me wrong, we love those little people we created (probably more than you, if we’re being honest. After all, we’ve been known to horde teeth and umbilical cords. Some of us have even sucked snot out of babies noses and masticated their food. (not me of course. I’d never do that to food. Besides babies don’t eat cucumbers 😉 ) The thing is all good things in moderation.
We will happily accept your gifts and your notes but know, what we really want is peace and permission to be ourselves; a day to exhale. I guess what I’m really trying to say is just give mom a lot of love and a little space this Mother’s Day.
But in all seriousness, be kind to all the moms you know; yours, the mother of your children, your friends who are pregnant and even those desperately struggling to become pregnant and especially those moms who have lost babies and those who have lost their moms. And really, be kind to your mom every day, once a year is not nearly enough to show ample affection for the woman who gave you life.
What’s the best Mother’s Day gift you ever received and what’s at the top of your list?
P.S. I Love you, mom.
! Happy Mother’s Day!
2018/05/11
Everything You Need to Know About the Disney Dream Cruise
Last week at this time, I was debarking from a Disney cruise with my family. We were living the dream, the Disney Dream that is, thanks to Disney Social Media Moms Celebration. Life was magical. Today, not so much. My husband and I both have the flu. Now, I get why they kept handing me sanitized wipes for my hands.
Let me tell you about cruising because a Disney cruise was my first ever cruise. I think the Disney Dream may have ruined me for all other cruises. I’ve always wanted to try a Disney cruise. I love being on the sea, I love traveling with my family and I love, love, love Disney so what was there not to like? But, I had no idea what to expect. I think cruising is one of those things you really need to experience for yourself, like childbirth and marriage, no one can explain in words how it actually feels but I will try.
Cruising on the Disney Dream was like no other vacation we’ve ever had. I used to think to vacation in the great outdoors was the best a family vacation could get but I see now that a Disney cruise gives you the best of both worlds. It was luxury beyond anything I could have imagined. I get why they call it the Disney dream.
For someone like me, who is always connected, the Disney Dream allowed me to live one of my biggest dreams…being present and in the moment. Yes, I had WiFi and was still connected but not in the same way as I am in my day to day life. I was semi-connected but I was 100% plugged in and present for my life and my family. I was given the gift of time to breathe and exhale and to look around and see all the beauty and wonder that was right in front of me. I think that is a gift that all of us deserve and can use in today’s world of fast-paced living.
I woke up to sunrises on the horizon of the ocean and went to bed with the sounds of the ocean waves lulling me to sleep. It was definitely magical but of course, it was a Disney cruise so I would expect nothing less.
Everything You Need to Know About the Disney Dream Cruise
1. Excellent service from the cast members from everyone on board, everyone was so kind and generous with their time and efforts just as we’ve all come to expect from all Disney employees.
2. Amazing food, high-quality meals and options galore. You will eat like a King/Queen while onboard a Disney cruise ship.
3. Amazing Broadway shows like Beauty and the Beast. It was beyond amazing and as a theater freak, I’m telling you, that it is a must see.
4. More food. There was so much good food, I wished a had more days but I’m not sure my jeans would have survived the trip.
5. Lots of onboard activities for adults too, so there is no chance of getting bored; beer tasting, mixology course, tequila tasting, BINGO, fitness center, several pools, Aqua Duck, Nightclubs and lounges, Senses Spa and Salon and movie theaters.
6. Relaxation beyond anything you could have ever imagined. There are separate adult only areas and a Spa onboard but beyond that, they’ve even thought of ways to keep the kids occupied so that you can relax.
7. Kids clubs with different age-appropriate activities for kids of all ages. They are full of activities like putt-putt golf, basketball, foosball, dodgeball, crafts, movies and video games to name a few. My girls were at Edge (for kids ages 11-14) and it was amazing because they were in a safe and secure environment being supervised by trained cast members. They got some freedom and it gave us some time alone. It was a nice perk, I hadn’t expected.

8. Thoughtfulness, it is apparent in everything from the towel characters they leave on your bed with the chocolates at turndown service to the royal proclamation of your family upon your arrival. The cast members notice the little things and remember your preferences. It really makes for a special trip.
9. Free 24-hour room service, including Mickey Mouse ice cream bars and pizza.
10. Cleanliness. Our staterooms were spotless and so was everything else on the ship. In fact, they even handed us sanitized wipes before entering all restaurants to help stop the spread of germs.
11. Unlimited ice cream. This was my daughters’ favorite thing ever. All the soft serve your heart can desire.
12. Time alone on a private island. Our Disney cruise culminated with us spending our final day on Disney’s Castaway Cay; Disney’s very own private island, perfectly manicured and peaceful right in the middle of the Bahamas. If you’ve never been on a private island, and who of us have been, you are really missing out. It’s having the best of all worlds with just a fraction of the population. We tubed, we rode in a paddle boat, we swam with the fishes, biked and hiked and that was just tip of the iceberg as to what is available. There is parasailing, chartered fishing and so much more but I will save that for another post.
13. You will never forget it and you will be changed for the better once you take a Disney Cruise. The Disney Dream allowed me to slow down enough in my life to set reset and shuffle my priorities. Being with my family on the cruise made me realize how lucky I am and how important and fleeting these next few years are with my family. I want to make the most of every single second. The Disney Dream gave me fresh perspective by letting all the noise of our day-to-day fall away and focus on what’s really important; the people.
14. Last but not least, the first 24 hours you might experience a sensation of feeling a little unsteady on your legs while the boat is moving. No worries, you just haven’t found your “sea legs” yet. Make sure to take your dramamine before you start to move and you will be fine in no time.
But the Disney Dream is only one ship in a fleet and only one adventure you can take. New itineraries for May through September are available and you can book your very own Disney Cruise starting March 8 at 8 a.m. EST!
Check out the new destinations and set your sights on a high seas vacation brimming with excitement and allure—and be among the first to experience special sailings in Europe, Alaska, the Caribbean or The Bahamas.
This is everything you need to know about the Disney Dream Cruise but if you have any other questions, please leave below and I will answer.
2018/03/05
How to Train a Husband
How to train a husband ~ This is the question that has baffled women throughout history. Now, before anyone gets their boxers in a bunch , I am in no way inferring that a husband, or men in general are dogs that can be trained and put on a leash. Truthful Mommy would never say that. I love the men. Some of my favorite people are men. Hell, most of my favorite people are men and my favorite person in the world is my husband, the Big Guy. I’m also not a trained expert on marriage but I have been married for over 12 years and with the Big Guy ~~forever~~ for almost 15 years. We’ve been through a lot of living in those years; babies being born, moving across the country, diagnosis and several shark weeks and in that way, I kind of am an expert on husbands.
My Husband my Hero
Ladies, you’ve done the hard part; you’ve found a great guy who you want to spend your life with. The two of you have survived the beginning and the wedding planning, that says something in and of itself. Now, you’ve got to set this wonderful partnership up for success. You have to be an active and willing participant in your own destiny; in your marriage. It takes two, my friend. I’ve heard a lot of women speak of how their husbands go out on the weekends with their buddies while the wife stays home with children, or husbands who go off on long trips with their buddies while Mommy stays home with the kids, or just a general unbalance of workload, parenting load and overall household responsibility. I’m all for time away from the little ones, we all need it. But shouldn’t it go both ways? Doesn’t Mommy deserve time away as well? After all, who is the one spending a majority of the time with the children? So when I say how to train a husband, I am referring to making your voice heard. Ladies, your husband is not a mind reader. If you never tell him what you want out of the relationship, he’s just going to do what feels right and what he needs to do. (By the way this is applicable in the bedroom as well, so you may want to speak up!) He’s not going to just assume that you need time away from the kids or don’t want him to leave you alone with the kids all the time. So,you shouldn’t assume that he will just know what you want. Who’s the ass in this situation? YOU!
Here are a few helpful hints of how to train your husband:
- Speak Up. You have to tell your husband from the beginning what your expectations are out of the relationship. If you don’t, how will he know? Don’t be afraid to let him know that you have thoughts and opinions in your head, most men find a strong woman sexy. But just because you are speaking up doesn’t mean that he’s not suppose to speak up as well, just take turns speaking and listening. One at a time, kids.
- Be Honest with your husband. If you’ve decided to speak up, please for the love of God, tell him how you really feel. Don’t just say what you think your husband wants to hear. That shit might work for a minute when you are dating but it will get you in a heap of misery if you try to keep that up for 50 years of marriage. Be reasonable, he doesn’t really expect you to be perfect.
- Don’t try to pretend to be cool with everything. Better to tell your husband now than to let him go on for years making you unhappy, because you “Pretended” you liked it or it was okay with you. You can only pretend to be cool with everything for so long before resentment and hatred settle in. I promise, if you tell him that you are not cool with him going on weekend trips with his best friend Mandy from the beginning, he will know not to ask if he can spend Burning Man with Mandy in the desert while you sit at home stewing.
- Be Human with your husband. Don’t try to be super wife, mother and career woman. I’m not saying that you can’t do all three, of course you can. I’m saying prioritize, do the best you can and if you can only two out of three at 100% do not be afraid to ask for help. Let him see you sweat, cry and laugh like Ricky Riccardo.
- Don’t be Afraid to Ask for Help! He is your husband, this should mean that he is your partner and your best friend, if you need him to help you out..ask. He will. I ask my husband all the time to pick up my slack, and when he needs it I do the same. My husband is a capable man ( in many respects more domestically capable than I am). The Big Guy can cook like a gourmet ( and he enjoys it), he likes doing yard work ( I don’t), he knows how to clean and do dishes and laundry ( now picking up laundry is something entirely different) but you get the picture. If I have a slip and fall ( as I am frequently known to do) he has no problem, stepping in where I have fallen down.
- Be Yourself with your husband. The biggest favor that you can do yourself is to be yourself with your husband. It is unrealistic to try and keep up the facade that you wake up in full make-up with breath like flowers. I’m not saying to let yourself look like the crypt keeper on the regular, but by letting him see the real you he can see the REAL you..what’s on the inside, not just what’s on the outside. Plus, it allows him to be comfortable enough with you to be himself. I’m not saying you want a slob who farts and burps all over the place but you want him to feel comfortable enough with you to be honest with you; to not feel that he has to hide his imperfections from you.
- Be Open to your husband. This is the man that you chose to spend the rest of your life with so the least you can do is be open to his ideas, his suggestions, and his dreams. You get what you give in a relationship. You can’t very well expect him to be open to all you want and need if you shut down every single idea or thought that ever pops into his head, right?
- Love and Respect your husband. If you love your husband and respect him, he will love and respect you back. If he doesn’t then I say kick that man in the balls and run far , far away as fast as you can because if there is no reciprocation of love and respect then there is no hope for the marriage. But with mutual respect and unconditional love, this partnership is basically foolproof.
In the end, the way to train a husband is to lead by example with honesty, respect and love. The Big Guy is an awesome husband and I consider myself lucky but by the same token, he gives what he gets. I’m pretty freaking awesome myself. People are not animals, we can’t really train a man or a woman to do anything ( well, except for babies and using the toilet and you see how hard that is?) but we can be honest with our husbands and with ourselves and, in doing so, have a long and fulfilling marriage.What did you let your husband know you wanted out of marriage? When did you let your husband know what you wanted out of marriage?
How do You Train a Husband?
2011/11/14