The TRUTH About Motherhood

Category: Miscarriage

For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn
Anyone who has ever read this blog before knows that I don’t write flash fiction. In fact, I write the complete opposite of “flash fiction” I write drawn out nonfiction. I’m a story teller who tells you my stories in their entirety, even a moment can last 350 words.But when I saw the Hemingway piece, “For sale: Baby shoes, never worn” again with new eyes, new experiences, they were no longer 6 words. They were like a brick thrown at my heart and the weight of those words brought me to my knees.
I’ve read these words before but I never really knew what they meant, not truly. I never knew the hole in your heart that could be left by losing someone you never got to meet; never got to hold, kiss and cuddle. Never got to hear them call out to you, “Mommy” or wrap their tiny arms around your neck. But, I think you miss them even more because you are missing the promise of something that never came to fruition. You have to cling for dear life to that one single memory, the loss.
Thankfully, I haven’t lost a lot of people who were close to me. I lost my grandparents that I never really knew and I’ve lost two uncles who I was very close to and that hurt. It hurt bad. I felt those losses and I still miss their presence in my life. I wish my daughters could have ran to them when they came to visit and known the giving hearts and comforting smiles of these men. I’d like to say it taught me to appreciate those who are alive even more. It did, for a little while, and then as some sort of a survival mechanism, I had to put that loss on a shelf, so I could continue on. I think that is how we are made; this is how we survive the pain of loss.
Not until I lost a pregnancy, my third child, did I feel the true weight of loss. It nearly killed me. There is nothing like it. The only thing that I can imagine that would come close would be losing a spouse or a parent. I know that sometime in my life I will lose my parents and that scares me. It terrifies me but not for the reasons you might suspect. Not because I won’t know how to live in the world without them but because I didn’t have enough time to know them; to really know them. The hole left by words unspoken and memories not made is an unfillable one. I know that now.
I don’t know why these words have been haunting me over the past couple days. I think it was triggered by watching my friend go through the painful loss of her dear mother and watching another friend give birth and struggle with complications and a very sick baby after losing her twin pregnancy last year. My heart is breaking for these two women. I have all of these feelings swirling around in my mind, in my heart and I I can feel my own scabs being ripped off. I can imagine how their hearts are aching with these fresh wounds. I wish I could do more than pray for these women but they need their space to process; to contain the hole that feels like it will swallow you up. It’s survival.
The pain of losing someone you have so much love for leaves a giant hole in your soul and with them they take a part of you. You don’t feel whole. You feel fractured and broken and it hurts it ways that you didn’t even know it could. It’s an indescribable, all-consuming pain.
Please pray for these two women, Alexandra Rosas and Diana Stone, that their hearts might know peace and comfort again someday soon.
For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn
2013/08/19
Glee Star, Cory Monteith Found Dead and George Zimmerman Found Not Guilty, One Tragic Night
Yesterday, Cory Monteith was unexpectedly found dead in a hotel in Vancouver at age 31. Last night, I went to bed appalled that George Zimmerman was found not guilty for killing Trayvon Martin. How can he get away with no sort of punishment for taking a human life? This morning my heart is breaking for all the parents involved especially the Monteiths and the Martins. What the hell is this world coming to? As a parent, all of this freaks me out.
Vancouver police confirmed Saturday night that the body of Glee star Cory Monteith was found at the Pacific Rim Hotel. Mr. Monteith checked in on July 6 and was supposed to check out yesterday, hotel workers checked the room when he never came down to check out. The hotel called the ambulance and paramedics pronounced him dead on the scene. He was alone and surveillance footage shows that he was alone from the time he arrived in that night.
I am shocked. I am a long time follower of Glee. My daughters listen to their music and have seen some of the episodes. Finn Hudson, Cory Monteith’s character, has always been one of our favorite characters on the show. He was a heartthrob jock with a heart of gold and a voice like butter. He always had sad eyes and a dedicated love to his on screen romance and off screen love, Lea Michelle, whom I can only imagine is beside herself with grief. Poor woman, I cannot even imagine how distraught she must be.
There has been no cause for death given but Mr. Monteith has been in and out of rehab a couple times and I don’t like to make assumptions but I’ve always felt he was a bit of a tortured soul. We will definitely miss his smile and sweet disposition on Glee. Sending prayers for his family and loved ones in this time of need. It is so tragic that someone so young with everything to live for can just as suddenly be taken away. In times like these, life doesn’t make sense.
When I went to bed last night, the last thing I heard on the news was that George Zimmerman was found not guilty for killing Trayvon Martin. The internet was in an uproar calling the entire legal system afoul and corrupt. The term racism was being thrown around like the air we breathe and everything suddenly became black and white.
Personally, no matter what the circumstances, one thing remains George Zimmerman killed some parents’ child. He took away the reason Trayvon Martin’s parents take breath into their body; he took away their reason for living, he killed their son. It is my belief that this part of the case is fundamentally true without dispute, in the very least, he should have been given involuntary manslaughter and some sort of sentence to give Trayvon Martin’s parents some sort of , be it small, satisfaction. As a mother, I could not carry on in the world knowing that someone who caused the death of my baby was still walking free as my child turned to dust in the ground.
If the last two days have taught me anything that is that life is not fair and bad things happen to good people. People die before all of their living is done, or in some cases, even begun. Do not start today with hatred in your heart, cast your eyes upward to the sky and pray; pray for the tortured soul of Cory Monteith that is gone much too soon from this world. Pray for his parents, his friends and the woman who loved him and has to go on living without him.
Pray for the parents of Trayvon Martin that they might have some kind of peace in their heart knowing their son will never feel the fear he felt on that last night he was on this earth. Pray that we all spend more time enjoying the people that we love because they can be gone forever in the blink of an eye. Today, be a little more tolerant of your children, forget for a moment that 1 million obligations you have and enjoy the moments with your family; don’t rush through them or get annoyed knowing that you have work to do. Today, hug your loved ones and know that life is fleeting so make every moment count. Be present.
It’s Sunday and so I am just going to say it, God bless you all and please pray for the families of Cory Monteith and Trayvon Martin that they might get through this tragic and horrible time in their lives.
2013/07/14
A Sky Full of Paper Lanterns
Sitting there, immersed in the moment of a baseball game, the ordinary; the laughter of my girls, the deep, baritone voice of my father-in-law excitedly recounting the last play, my husband sitting quietly by my side and then I glanced upwards towards the sky. I don’t know why, I looked to the outfield and then it happened and everything changed.

There on the horizon, just beyond the energy of the ballpark, where people were cheering and happily enjoying a popular summer pastime, in the darkness beyond the cathedral; slowly and one by one, Chinese Paper lanterns lifted higher and higher into the July night sky. For a brief moment, my heart leapt into my throat. I was still and quiet. I did not move. Then I glanced at my husband and gestured in the direction of the soaring, fiery lanterns. He knew.

The sight of so many of those Chinese lanterns floating up to the heavens was glorious and magical, especially in such quantity. I am assuming they were being set free in celebration of some newly married couple’s wedding; their first act of creating their happily ever after. I couldn’t move or breathe. I was still.

Those airy, delicate Chinese Paper lanterns will always remind me of something bittersweet. That is why I found myself sitting there at the ballpark, surrounded by strangers and the smell of popcorn, unsuspectingly overcome with emotion.

Last year, when I miscarried our third child, it emotionally crippled me for most of the following twelve months. I mourned almost constantly. But one day last fall, after my heart had been completely shattered, I received a message on my phone from a friend I’d gotten to know online who had virtually held my hand and helped me through on of the hardest things I have this far had the misfortune of experiencing. I looked at my message and there was a photo of one single beautiful Chinese paper lantern, floating gracefully up into the sky as the sun set at that moment when day meets night. That one single Chinese paper lantern ascending into heaven meant the world to me. I get choked up just thinking about it.

You see, my friend, Jessica Watson, is an angel in my eyes. She made a gesture on my behalf and she helped me to heal. Though, I am not sure I could ever repay that act of kindness. I will always remember the evening, a mom who understood the weight of loss, did the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. She heard the unspoken words that I could not voice, she felt the pain that comes with losing someone before you truly get to know them, she saw the hole in my existence that this blow had left and without asking, she gave me the gift of gracefully letting go. She may never know what she did for me that evening but I will never forget her or her beautiful and kind heart.

And so as I sat there in the ballpark on Friday night, stunned and transported back to that overwhelming loss, I was reminded that our sweet baby is in heaven and that there are angels here among us. As I watched the paper lanterns ascend, my heart followed into the moonlit sky and then I smiled and heard the excited laughter of my daughters’ beside me, of life going on.
2013/07/07
My Cervix Went to the Gynecologist and All I got was this Xanax
My cervix and I had my yearly this morning. I kinda hate it because I have an abnormally deep cervix and so they have to use the world’s largest speculum and push really hard and they call in interns to show them my really deep cervix so that they can marvel at how deep I am. I lie there twiddling my thumbs, while 17 strangers marvel at my vagina, praying that my landscaping job was up to par, as it is now on display. It’s awesome. Who wouldn’t be ecstatic to do that?
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2013/01/20
There are Angels Among Us
Sometimes something unexpected happens, when you least expect it. Awhile back, my dear friend, Jessica Watson, asked me to join in on a pregnancy and infant loss memorial. I was happy to join in but when it came time to contribute my photo of me holding the last ultrasound of the baby that we lost, I just couldn’t do it. I’m still muddling through the muddy waters of loss and just when I think I may be getting to a point where I am less affected by our loss, I’m slapped upside my head with the realization that it’s still actually a gaping wound on my heart. But this is not about that open wound, this is about the amazing women who have held my hand, cradled my heart and come to my rescue. There are angels among us.
I’ve known these women for quite some time. Mostly we know one another through our blogs and social media. We’ve never met in person. I’ve never had the honor of hugging them or thanking them for what they have done for me. They are beautiful, humble and genuine to the core. We are connected, some through our shared wound and some who just have hearts so big that they completely envelope you when you are in animalistic pain and they soothe your soul with their kindness and caring.
They don’t know me. Not really. I am practically a stranger by most standards but it didn’t matter. They are not restricted by time and space, they are angels. What have they done, you ask? They are the type of women who see past what you are saying and see what you are feeling. When I had my miscarriage, so many wonderful friends online and in real life, sent me condolences and cried for my loss. They shared their stories and they eased me gently back into the world of the living when all I wanted to do was curl up and disappear. You can’t imagine how badly I wanted to just disappear from existence. I just felt like part of me had died on that day.
But these women have never forgotten. They check on me periodically, ask how I am doing and genuinely care what my response is. Erin (@ErinMargolin) is my first angel. This lady has done so much on so many different occasions that I will never be able to repay her kindness to me. There have been cards to make me smile when I thought I never would again.We may have never met but make no mistake, she is my sister. She is truly one of the most amazing human beings that I have ever known. You all know I don’t gush, so you realize that she must really be someone special and I am sure if you know her, you know this already. She is just a really great person. I don’t know how else to explain it. She is the standard by which all people should hold themselves to. @mommaKiss sent me a card, in the mail and to my house. I know it sounds like such a simple thing but for someone to take the time to choose a card, sign it and mail it is a big deal these days. It meant so much to me and it made me feel connected when I felt disjointed from the world. Jessica (@JessBWatson) this dear and beautiful soul, who deals daily with the pain of her own loss, made time in her life to check on my during mine and , more importantly, to check on me still. She knows the lingering pain of loss. Sunday night, she participated in a lantern launch in memorial for our babies in heaven and I had no idea that she was going to include me until I received a photo via tweet of the lantern this sweet woman launched in memory of our baby that we lost before we ever got to hold. This small gesture has renewed my faith in humanity. It meant more to me than words can ever convey.
Believe me when I tell you that my online friends are real and there are angels among us.
Photo Courtesy of Jessica Watson/ Four Plus an Angel
2012/10/15
All I Can Do is Cry

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
Cry is the only response my body could muster when I heard the word miscarriage.
I want to scream but I can’t. I can barely think. All I can do is cry.
My heart has been irreparably broken.
This unexpected blessing that shocked me when I first saw the two lines, this baby that I didn’t deserve is now gone.
My miracle labeled a miscarriage.
I can’t breathe. I can’t think. All I can do is cry.
I went in this morning because I was spotting; no cramps, no heavy bleeding; nothing. I expected everything to be ok. It wasn’t. It isn’t. I don’t know if it ever will be again.
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. All I can do is cry.
We had only told a very few people, not even our little girls who have been begging for a baby brother or sister.
I’m always afraid. Always afraid that I’ll say something too soon and something bad will happen.
Terrified that I’ll have to explain a miscarriage, afraid my happiness will prove too bold.
My sister lost a baby at 9 weeks. I am 10 weeks and 4 days, I thought I was safe. I wasn’t.
The ultrasound showed 9 weeks and 2 days. That’s when our baby died.
The moment I saw the tech’s face, I knew.
There was no tiny heartbeat.
Only a perfect, still baby.
What does it feel like to have a miscarriage?
It feels like all the wind has been knocked out of me. I feel numb.
I want to crawl up inside myself and be still and never move again.
I want to die. I want my heart to stop beating.
I can’t bear the thought of people looking at me with pity. The thought of people trying to talk or understand my pain away weighs on me like an anchor around my neck.
Just let me be. Let me feel this insurmountable loss.
Let me cry my primal animalistic screams and pretend you don’t hear.
Don’t touch me.
Don’t speak to me.
Just let me be alone with my darkness, my abyss; my hell.
My baby was a promise for something better. The promise has been broken and I feel empty. I feel betrayed and let down by life.
I can’t talk. I can’t breathe. All I can do is cry.
While you are reading this, I will be at the hospital having a D & E because the thought of walking around with my perfect baby without a heartbeat inside me while waiting for it to pass on its own is too much to bear right now.
I appreciate your love, prayers and support and I was hoping to be sharing with you our pregnancy this month, instead, I’m sharing my loss. It’s the only way I know how to move through my pain…to write it down.
I believe that there is a reason for everything and that God has a divine plan for us all, but right now, today my heart is breaking.
All I can do is cry.
This miscarriage makes me feel like my body has completely failed me and I don’t know how to survive this gaping wound in my soul.
2012/05/01
This is the End of the World as we Know it
How do you say Goodbye to someone that you never really knew? This is the dilemma that I am faced with tonight. A few weeks ago a received the call that my estranged Grandmother was sick and in the hospital. I was told that it might be cancer. The news was shocking, but not like you might think.It was the shocking in the sort of a way that you might feel if a total stranger told you that they just found out that they might have cancer. You feel bad. Of course, cancer is a terrible thing to have happen to anyone. I hate cancer. But more that that, I was upset because I was going to have to be the one to tell my father.
My father, like most Daddies to little girls, is seen through my eyes as stoic and tough. He always has been . He never cries and he seldom admits he’s wrong. He demands respect and he is an authentic man among a world of phonies. My father has never been perfect, has seldom been soft but has always fiercely loved his children. I never wanted to be the one to break his heart.There’s just something about the vulnerability of a man crying, that completely destroys me.
Since the call, my father has returned to the states and we have learned that my father’s mother does in fact have stage 4 cancer that has spread throughout her pancreas, stomach and her lungs. Today, she decided that she does not want to take the medicine any longer because she feels out of sorts. She is a very proud woman, even when she is hooked up to machines and nearing her end. The original timeline was 6 months but with ceasing the medication and giving up the will to fight, we are assuming that it will come much quicker.
I received another call tonight, it was to come and see my Grandmother and say my goodbyes. But the problem is that I’d feel like a hypocrite going to the bedside of a dying woman that I barely knew to say my final goodbye. For me, it would be like standing at the edge of a complete strangers bed and telling them that I will miss them and I love them. The problem is that I DON’T know her.I’m not even sure that I love her more than the stranger on the street.At this point, the only thing that we share is my father and our blood. It sounds so callous and hard to say out loud and I am sure that you think me a complete monster, but I must admit that it is the way I feel. I feel for her that she is dying and she wants to mend her fences before she leaves the world. But she has never wanted to mend the fences before. In fact, she is the one who, metaphorically, couldn’t have the fence the way she wanted it and so her temper got the better of her and she kicked that little fence until it began to break. Instead of fixing that poor breaking fence, every time she passed that fence she kicked it and kicked it until finally one day she completely broke it and then she never looked at the fence again…for 30 years. The fence was of no consequence to her.
My heart aches for my dad, to see his mother dying.My heart aches for her that she will probably never get to mend her fences and for myself and my children, who never really got to know the woman who brought my father into the world. I pray for peace for all of us.
2011/05/29
The Call
Tonight, I received a phone call. It was one of those awkward phone calls that you know in your heart will someday come but you hope that it won’t. It actually came twice. The first time it came, I let it go straight to voice mail.The person calling? My aunt, well one of my aunts. Without telling you my entire life story, because seriously it’s about a book worth full of drama, I’ve spoken to this woman twice in the past 30 years and I have not seen her once since I was 7.
I knew that she had flown to Mexico and brought my ailing, albeit estranged, Grandmother “Abuela” back to the states with her. I know this sounds terribly cold and removed to a person from the outside but let’s just say adults made choices and we were children. She removed herself from my father’s childrens lives.I have seen her once since I was 12..that was wen she showed up like a ghost, unannounced at my baby shower when I was pregnant with my first.Saying that we are not close is an understatement. We are blood. That is where the bond ends.
My Grandmother wasn’t at my graduation. She never called. She never wrote to explain her absence. She made no apologies. Apologies are not her style. She is a very stoic, closed off person…or she was when I knew her. She never attended my wedding. There was no congratulations extended when my children were born.The fact that she was at my baby shower was a complete fluke. She was in the country, my aunt was coming and she brought my Grandmother along with her as a hostage. There was no gift.There was no matronly advice from my abuela who had birthed 9 children of her own. Just awkward silence and a very strange out of place grin.
There has always been a tension between my Grandmother and anyone who dared to challenge her way.By challenging, I mean not relinquishing all rhyme and reason to cater to her every whim and want.
Tonight, the call was to tell me that this woman who I hardly know; who birthed my father and hardly knew me..barely wanted to know me, unless it was for a purpose beneficial to her; the woman who is responsible for the existence of my father in the world, the woman who should mean everything to me but means less than most of my casual acquaintances,is in the hospital and most likely dying of cancer.
My heart broke but not for the reason that you might imagine. My father is in Mexico, he was there with her before she got sick and had her surgery a couple months ago. He was finally re-establishing a mother -son relationship with his mother. The woman I have become accustomed to him referring to as that woman or my mother, in the past couple months he has started to refer to her as my Mama. The difference is subtle but the implication is great.
They have been estranged for almost 25 years.As a mother, I know this must have weighed heavily on her heart over the years and I’ve seen first hand how difficult it has been on my father to not have his mother in his life. I can’t imagine there being anything that my child could ever say or do that would make me stay away for so many years. But then again, she left.
Here I sit tonight with the weight of my father’s world resting squarely on my shoulders. You see I have been presented with the task of locating my father in Mexico, and giving him the news of her illness and probable impending death. I am sad that she is hospitalized and in pain. I would feel this way for any human being but mostly I am sad for my father who after just getting his Mama back in his life, may be losing her..forever. This is the call that I NEVER wanted to make. I never wanted to be the one to break my father’s heart and give him the news that he may be again losing his Mama.
2011/05/11
Happy Earth Day #Kind2Earth
It’s Earth Day and I have decided to do the green thing and be unplugged today. I will be spending the day outdoors playing with my beautiful girls and readying my garden for this summer. Today I will not be posting my Fabulous Five post because I will not be on the computer but will certainly be back next Friday with a list of five more wonderful bloggers to share with you. Keeping with the spirit of Earth Day, I will be recycling some posts from the very beginning..2 years ago, when the only person who read me was my wonderful Big Guy.
Remembering the Bliss of Birth
Play dates: A Brief Deviation
2 year old Selective Hearing Syndrome and Other Nuggets of Wisdom
Hell on Wheels in Pink Taffeta and a Helmet
Bringing Home Baby
Waking Up Mommy
Potty Training~ the Next Frontier
Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Road tripping with toddlers or Hell on Wheels
Hey, Look at the Fat Girl
And if you are looking for some great Earth Day ideas and ways to be #kind2earth and to raise environmentally aware and responsible children please take a look at this article.
Happy Earth Day! Now go outside and enjoy this wonderful planet!
*PEACE*
2011/04/22
Earth Day 2011 ~Raising Environmentally Aware Children
Earth Day 2011 is almost upon us. What are you planning on doing with your children to save our planet? Can’t we all stand to be a little greener? I KNOW we can in my house. Sure I take steps to be kind to the earth but when I get too busy or things get “inconvenient” all the “Green” goes out the door. So this Earth Day, I am committing to taking some steps ( with my children) to be kind to the earth. Are you? I partnered up for an exciting Earth Day project with Nickelodeon, the National Wildlife Federation and The Motherhood.com. I signed up to be a B Kind 2 Earth Day leader for my state. You can be one too. Just sign up here. Here are a few ideas to get you started.

Photo courtesy of Google
Water
1. Use only the water you need, and reuse when possible.
*Rain barrels can be used to collect rain and then you can use it to water a family garden.
*Bathe together. Put the kids in the tub together. Shower with your kids or your husband. It’s saves water, creates memories and nurtures the bond between siblings.
2. Dispose of solid and liquid wastes and medications safely.
*Take advantage of medication take-back programs or household hazardous waste collection programs that accept medications, pharmaceuticals, oil, paint and other liquid wastes.
3. Protect your local water source from pollutants, excess pesticides and garbage.
*Everyone lives in a watershed — the area that drains to a common waterway, such as a stream, lake, estuary, wetland, aquifer, or even the ocean — and our individual actions can directly affect it. For example, watch the weather and apply necessary chemicals when the rain won’t wash them away, and dispose of livestock or pet’s waste appropriately or litter off the ground.

Image courtesy of Google, View Courtesy of Mother Nature!
Air
1. Pass on gas! Take public transportation, carpool, plan your day to reduce trips and vehicle emissions.
2. Make sure your home’s air is healthy, learn about indoor air pollutants from indoor energy use and toxins.
3. Reduce your potential for exposure to mercury.
4. Plant a tree. Or plant many trees! Plant a garden. Plant a vegetable garden.
5. Prevent additional air pollution by finding alternatives to burning your waste.

The air we breathe, the life we live
Land
1. Use pesticides safely! Reduce or eliminate where possible.
2. Learn about composting, try it out!
3. Learn about ‘Greenscaping’! Try it out at home and promote it in your community.
*By simply changing your landscape to a Green- Scape, you can save time and money and protect the environment.
*Save time by landscaping with plants that require less care
*Save money by eliminating unnecessary water and chemical use
*Protect the environment by:
*Conserving water supplies.
*Using chemicals properly and only when necessary to keep waterways and drinking water clean.
*Reducing yard waste by recycling yard trimmings into free fertilizer.
4. Learn about the native species and the negative effects of non native plants and animals in the environment. Plant native species in your gardens, encourage important pollinators such as bees and birds by planting gardens full of their favorite plants. Join a team in your community that removes non-native species.

Photo Courtesy of my Brother in Law

Energy
1. Save energy at home Choose energy-saving appliances if they’re available. Look for Energy Star!
2. Hang dry your clothes.
3. Go renewable! Create your own power from wind, the sun, water, or biofuels.
4. Find alternate ways to reduce use of diesel and other fuels for transportation, production and energy.
Waste
1. Reuse. Upcycle! Take something that is disposable and transform it into something of greater use and value.
2. Recycle metals, plastics and paper
3. E-cycle Recycle and/or properly dispose of electronic waste such as computers and other gadgets
4. Don’t litter! Properly dispose of trash and waste

Photo courtesy of Google

This Earth Day, my family will spend the day outside and unplugged; being mindful of our footprint. We will be staying around our home, working in our garden. I also think it’s time to teach the girls about how to separate the recyclables. On a daily basis, my girls are mindful of their footprint and the older they get the more I will explain. For now, they can help by turning off lights, separating recyclables, not wasting, bathing together, buying locally grown organic foods, helping Mommy hang the clothes on the line and remember the reusable grocery sacs. Life is good. Let’s help it stay that way but raising responsible, socially and environmentally aware children.
The world is a beautiful place and we are allowed to marvel and enjoy her on a daily basis! Please take care of her! Recycle. Reuse. Reduce! Happy Earth Day 2011! The link I am including is a link to great ideas for Earth Day activities to do with your children. Go to a National park, the local farmers market, just go outside and enjoy the marvelous planet of ours! And remember to be #kind2Earth!
https://holidays.kaboose.com/earthday-activities.html

2011/04/17