Category:

Little Kids

Babies Growing up and Mommies letting go ~The Last Day of Five

by Deborah Cruz 2011/03/10

Today is the last day that my Bella will be five. It is the last time I will put her to bed and kiss her on her sweet five year old head. The last time she will look at me with her big blue eyes and ask me, “When will I be six,Mommy?” I know that babies are born to grow up. But must they do it so quickly?

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The Day before she was born in 2005, it was 70 degrees in Tennessee. Today, it was snowing in the Midwest.

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The waiting was maddening.I had no idea what was in for. This caption should read:Last missed opportunity for restful sleep!

Six years ago tonight, I was so anxious and excited, I could hardly sleep. A new life was on my horizon and but I had no idea that I was about to welcome into my life the most important human that I would ever have the honor of sharing space and time with, sharing air with, sharing evolution with. I had NO idea what my baby would bring to my life. A love so deep that I can barely grasp it on most days. A fulfillment that I had searched for for the previous 32 years of my life, a void was no longer.

I had NO idea what to expect.This was the moment I was born for. This was the moment that I had waited my eternity for. But that night 6 years ago, all I could think was..did I deserve this?Was I good enough?Could I do this?Was I ready for this?What if I fucked it all up beyond recognition? What if what I wanted and what I deserved didn’t align? What if I was wrong? What if I didn’t know what the hell I was getting myself into? And I didn’t. I had no idea.

The MOST IMPORTANT Moment of my life!

I remember lying in bed, on my back, listening to the stillness;staring into the darkness. Sleep was no where to be found. Only a million different thoughts, not the least of which was…I wonder what labor will feel like. This was the night before my very first baby was to be born into the world.I liked my life. I had the good fortune of marrying the best man I had ever laid my soul open for. We were happy. We had been married for 5 years and life was an open ended opportunity for us. As I laid there, trying to see our future in the darkness, I realized that no matter what happened the next day…our lives were going to be changed forever. The couple we were, would no longer be..we would be three. We would be a family.

I'm exhausted.She is perfection wrapped in a blanket.

Tonight, as I put Bella to bed, I see the excitement in her eyes. The unknown. She knows that she will be six tomorrow at 4:51 PM. She has no idea what that means for her or to us. I’m pretty sure she will spend tonight the way that I spent the night before her birth day six years ago, lying in the darkness contemplating the future. Maybe not to the breadth and depth that I did, but she knows tomorrow is special. Tomorrow, she will have surpassed being that newborn that I held in my arms for the first time that moment that she made me a mother. That first baby of mine who came into the world and in that instant altered the path of mine for all time. She is no longer my precocious crawling baby or curious toddler. She has passed the stage of being my preschooler. Tomorrow, she graduates from being my kindergartner to being my little girl. She becomes a little more like me in her thoughts and actions every day and in each of those moments she becomes more independent. Moving further away from my protective grasp and a little further into the world. And all I can do it’s let it happen.Because the most important part of parenting is knowing when to loosen the grip and allowing those perfect life changers of ours, to become the people they are meant to be in the world. This is how we repay the favor of them allowing us the gift of loving them.

I was the most tired I'd ever been and I was also the MOST happy!

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh

This is what my heaven looks like!

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2011/03/10 19 comments

Little Kids

I Speak Baby…do you?

by Deborah Cruz 2011/01/14

written by Deborah Cruz

I used to take great pride in the fact that I could speak four languages. *Yes,I’ll pause a minute while you gasp in awe* I have loved languages since I was a small child. I grew up in a household that spoke two and as I grew, I had a voracious appetite not only for the written language but for the spoken one as well. As soon as I could take a language, I did. I took Spanish, which was the other language spoken in my home. This was, obviously, very easy for me to pick up. For those who are interested to learn the Spanish language as well, check out lases de español hechas a tu medida.

After a few years of Spanish, I added French to the mix. The grades were so good in Spanish that a teacher volunteered to tutor me French. I was allowed to split the period. By the time I graduated from High School, I was fluent in English, Spanish and French. This all fit very nicely into my master plan. You know, the one where I was going to move to New York, work for a big firm as an International lawyer and travel the world. Once I began university, again I added another language—Italian. I had to. How was I supposed to understand the sweet nothings my hot Italian husband ( that I would surely pick up on one of my summers in Italy) was whispering into my ear as we lingered in bed under the Tuscan sun. I loved my languages. But then life happened, as it tends to do. Here I am, many years later, A Work at Home Mommy and my passport has not been used since high school. The languages I learned may as well be Sanskrit, no more than I use them. Sure, I can watch most foreign films without the subtitles but without practice ( other than Dora cartoon explanations) I’d say “fluent” would be pushing the term a bit. I just don’t think I have the Mommy brain space available to speak more than 4 languages, and so I think I have maxed out my quota.

But, there is a bright side. After all, I am Ms. Glass half full (Most days). I have acquired two new languages in the last 5 years that I believe, in my circles, is much more valuable than Spanish, French, Italian or even English. I am absolutely fluent in baby and gibberish. You heard me right. NOW, you are envious right? Yes, both my girls tried to talk way early and both were very frustrated when I couldn’t understand them so I decided I had to learn. Good thing because BOTH still talk baby talk. Don’t get me wrong, they have an extensive and impressive vocabulary but they still have that baby speech.You know “Sure” is “Shua”, Gabs has issues with “S” consonant blends so “Spoon” is “poon”, etc. I paid attention to everything they said, what they were doing, what they were looking at, where we were at and then the context clues ( NEVER thought I’d need that skill in real life) provided me with what exactly in the hell they were saying. Now. I have a very working knowledge of Bella and Gabisms. Thank God. I think all those years of listening to my father intermingle his Spanish and English and trying to decipher what he was saying have played a huge part in this capability…super power if you will. (No, I don’t think calling the ability to understand baby talk and gibberish a super power is an overstatement. I think I am spot on with this one.) See this is a usable skill. I should offer a class to all Mommies. This could be my ticket to fame and fortune. Who’s in? Classes registering now. Forget about “my baby can read”. Who cares if your baby can read. The question is can you understand the words that are coming out of his/her mouth?

2011/01/14 15 comments

Little Kids

The Ornament

by Deborah Cruz 2010/12/29

written by Deborah Cruz

This Christmas morning was a little different than our previous Christmases have been. The entire year has been a little “different”, since the Big Guy has been working away from home. It’s been a difficult transition to go from having a very hands on partner/father to one who is no longer here on a daily basis. Due to all this upheaval and unpredictability of the past few months, I felt like the holidays crept up on me and knocked me over the head with a boulder. Nothing has felt right with the Big Guy gone. This situation has caused finances to be off because of maintaining separate residences, I didn’t have the time I normally would have had to go shopping and what not because I had no one here to watch the girls, the ebb and flow of our very existence has been out of whack this past year. So, it was no surprise that this Christmas morning, things felt peculiar.

I woke up and I knew I wasn’t going to be opening any gifts,that was no big deal, I had accepted that fact. Normally, I have an abundance of gifts to open. But that’s OK. Don’t feel sorry for me. The Big Guy bought me a really spectacular diamond band that I’ve been wanting ( last month) and my Mom bought me my BlogHer ticket, so believe me I didn’t need anything to open. And, to be completely honest, having the Big Guy home for 2 weeks consecutively is the most precious gift that I could ever have asked for or wanted.If you could see the excitement in the girls eyes knowing that when they wake up in the morning, their Daddy would be there.You’d know, I want for nothing. If you could know the peace it brings my heart to have the Big Guy within arms reach, you would realize that the gift of his presence was priceless to all of us.

After the girls opened all of their gifts, and the Big Guy had opened the gifts that the girls had picked out for him, there was 1 little gift that we had all forgotten about. That is all of us,with the exception of Bella, had forgotten about. Bella makes a leap under the tree and says in her most sheepish little big girl voice,”Mommy, you forgot about YOUR gift!” I was stumped because I knew, for a fact, the Big Guy was told not to buy me anything (living apart strains the finances). Bella produced the sweetest, plain white bakery bag with a homemade card on it. I had forgotten about the “gift” she had made for me on the last day of school before the break. The gift that had been sitting under the tree for a week and I had been given strict orders could not be opened until Christmas morning. Bella:”Open it,Mommy”as she placed it into my hands. I followed her instructions, as I opened that simple white bakery bag and inside was the most beautiful ( to me) handmade ornament that I have ever laid my gaze upon. At that moment, sitting in front of the Christmas tree with my girls and the Big Guy next to me, I realized that I had the most amazing gift in the world..I had a all the love my heart could hold and then I cried. I wept for the happiness of being blessed with so much love and I wept with sadness knowing that we’ve lost almost an entire year together.After all was said and done, that sweet little angel ornament in the plain white bakery bag is the most meaningful gift I have ever received. Thank you Bella and Gabi for coming into my world and putting things into perspective!!Mommy loves you!

What’s the most meaningful gift that you’ve received?

2010/12/29 12 comments

Kid thinks tooth fairy is a creepy bastard, Tooth Fairy; Reasons You Shouldn't Promote this Childhood Myth

Little Kids Mom Life

Tooth Fairy, Why your Kid Might Think She’s Creepy

by Deborah Cruz 2010/12/02

written by Deborah Cruz

Recently, it seems that my girls are growing up at lightning speed. The things they say, the mannerisms, the reading, the attention to detail in their looks, and especially the observations that they make of the world, blow my mind. Here is one of Bella’s gems, as of late. Hint: She thinks the tooth fairy is creepy.

Bella recently lost her very first tooth. It was right around Halloween. She was very excited. Her father and I were (let me honest) pretty sad because, you see, this represents her growing up. This is just another first part of letting go. Bet you never knew losing baby teeth had such a deep meaning, did you?

Though we may not be thrilled about what it symbolizes, you know we had to make a BIG GIGANTIC deal about it. This is the FIRST tooth. Grandma sent a little satin pillow to place the tooth in and put under my Bella’s pillow and there was a little book to record the moment. I snapped pictures and wiped away a tear*sniff, sniff* Another magical, mythical character to complete this childhood fantasy in the books.

It was time to perform our parently duties and perpetuate the myth of the tooth fairy for the first time. We were officially going to be a part of the problem.

It happened on a Thursday, in the middle of the night and Bella told me that she wanted to wait for her Daddy to be home, so he could be part of this momentous occasion. Friday comes, the Big Guy is home, while he and I are hushedly discussing the going rate for a first tooth these days and deciding whether or not one of us had to hit the ATM, Bella walks right up to us and delivers this proclamation;

“Mommy and Daddy, I don’t think I am going to put my tooth under my pillow tonight!”

We look at one another bewildered. We’d been waiting for this milestone first tooth to fall out and the tooth fairy to come. Did I mention she had been waiting for this tooth to fall out since she started kindergarten and all the other kids were missing teeth?

Me:” Why not, sweetie?”
Bella:” Well, Mommy, I was thinking about it and it’s pretty creepy that the tooth fairy comes in the middle of the night and steals my tooth!”

I shake my head in agreement. My husband is stifling his laughter because really he is just a giant 10-year old, plus it was pretty freaking funny. She was dead serious!

Me:” Well, Bella, the fairy doesn’t really steal it. She takes your tooth away and leaves you some money. She buys it!”
Bella: “Mommy, I don’t think my teeth are for sale!”

It’s hard to argue with reason and determination. Y’all know that lying is not my forte anyway. These white lies are one of the hardest parts of motherhood for me.

At least we didn’t plot to murder the tooth fairy

So the kid’s got a point. It is a pretty creepy idea of some little freaky tooth obsessed fairy coming into your bedroom, in the middle of the night, and stealing your discarded teeth away. Who does my Bella think is coming? The tooth fairy? Or the Chupacabra?

Tooth Fairy; Reasons You Shouldn’t Promote this Childhood Myth

In exchange, the fairy leaves the child a little monetary token on their nightstand, like a John would do for his hooker. It’s all very seedy. Perhaps, we should have given this story a little more thought.

I could not in good conscience argue this point with her.

I simply told her: “Bella, you don’t have to give your tooth to the tooth fairy tonight. We can just hold on to it and when /if you decide to leave it for the fairy, we can do that too, OK?”

Bella looks at me perplexed and then she has a eureka look on her face.

Bella: “Mommy, why don’t you and Daddy just give me the money and you can keep the tooth!”

Uh oh, the jig is up before it even began. I back peddled and told her something about angering the tooth Gods and throwing off the natural balance of the universe or something to that effect(who can remember, I was floundering to save her childhood) and then I quickly exited the room with her innocence intact.

Now that I think of it, I should have just agreed to her request to pay her for her teeth and saved myself some headaches.

Whew! What’s next? The Easter Bunny? Fairy Godmothers? Santa Claus? Unicorns? Somebody slow down this ride, I want to get off. Where are the brakes?

What do you do when your child starts questioning the fictitious people in their lives like the tooth fairy?

2010/12/02 15 comments

Little Kids Marriage and Relationships Parenting

Nestled in between the Rock and the Hard place

by Deborah Cruz 2010/11/09

written by Deborah Cruz

The last few days, life has been weighing on me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been somewhat of an emotional wreck.I’m feeling as if I am falling short..in every avenue.

I have become accustomed to the weight of the world pushing down on my shoulders like a spring about to be sprung at anytime. This I am used to but kept telling myself..”I” can do this. It’s only for a few more months. I can hold it together.If the Big Guy can go away to support his family, leave his home and his children..I can do this. I am afforded the luxury of staying in my own home with our little family by my side. Sure the silence after they go to bed is deafening and sometimes heartbreaking, but it is the least I can do.I owe it to ‘Us’ to be able to do this.Of course, I have my occasional breakdowns and find myself having a nice long, ugly cry over some seemingly innocuous incident. But then I move on and I am free of the pressure for a little while.

But I forgot about one vital piece of information…them. More important than can I do this, can they do this.

Bella had a terrible time last year when this all began.She had to leave her preschool with all her friends, her teacher, her life.Then when the Big Guy had to leave this past spring again, she was a wreck.He had to leave the day before her 5th birthday. An angry, displaced, overwhelmed little basket of nerves. I understood. I gave her some time and space. I was there with hugs and consolation. I was there overflowing with understanding and love.Always standing by with love. I never want them to feel a lack of love because of the lack of people around to give it. It broke my heart to watch her have to go through this at such a young age. To feel such misery and discombobulation is awful for anyone to experience. Eventually, the anger subsided. She grew up..too much and too fast because she was forced to accept the situation and learn to live with it.This breaks my heart to know that she has lost some of her innocence about the world because of money. I hate to see my children want for anything, especially when it is their Daddy, whom they really do hang the moon on.

There was one person who was silent through it all, my Gabs. Gabs is 3 and this situation with the Big Guy having to be gone, for work, has been going on since right around the time she turned 2.She was just a baby, really. So, I never considered how it would affect her. I don’t think I even put her into the equation because she was so small. However now, she is 3 and a half and she has found her voice.She notices everything and she has an opinion.The last 8 months have consisted of me being here with my girls trying to figure it all out, the Big Guy being gone, on his own,alone.It’s been Christmas Fridays and funeral Sunday nights left standing on the stoop, while watching through tear filled eyes as my girls run down the road waving bye to their Daddy;screaming “I love you” at the top of their lungs. It’s been Sunday nights filled with meltdowns of little girls missing their Daddy. Its been week nights of soothing little broken hearts calling out for their Daddy. It’s been hard all the way around. Lately, Gabs has been acting out.She cries for her Daddy almost nightly and she tells me on a regular basis that she hates me and quite frequently can be heard asking “You hate me, don’t you?” I know that she doesn’t hate me but lately her question has been cutting like a knife through my soul. She wants her Daddy and I am beginning to wonder if she doesn’t think I am punishing her by not being together. Does she think I have control of this situation? In her little mind, does she think I have willingly chosen to keep us all apart?

It’s almost too much for my heart to bear.The rock and the hard place that I am nestled between is this; Bella is finally comfortable in school ( after being yanked out of her school in Virginia last year) and has finally made friends after the alienation episode at the beginning of this semester. I feel like I owe it to her to make life as normal as possible. After all , she is the child and I am her parent so I need to sacrifice to do what is best for her. That has been the plan since we first pulled this nasty trick on her. The Big Guy and I agreed to sacrifice so that the kids could remain in their home, their city, until the end of the school year..to give them security and stability. It’s been incredibly difficult but it seemed to be what was best.

Now,little Gabs is begging me to move us to be with the Big Guy; crying nightly, angry, confused, melancholy and still so small. What do I do? How do I choose? One scenario I pull Bella out, once again, and she has to start over..yet again. That doesn’t seem fair. But then on the other hand, Gabs only wants to be with her father.Its such a simple request and a luxury that all children ,with two happily married people,should be afforded.But even this simple request, I can’t provide for the little people that I love more than life itself.This weighs heavily on my soul.Am I making the right choice? How can I choose one of my children’s happiness over the other? What are going to be the ramifications of these choices we are making today for our children down the line?Am I damaging my little ones?

So, here I sit alone in the quiet reevaluating every decision that I have made since the beginning of this entire situation.The last 24 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions. It started with goodbye on a Sunday night, the girls started crying and they wore down the armor around my heart.And I haven’t been able to regain my strength and stability, the weight of their little breaking hearts has knocked me off of my feet.Today has been a succession of crying over movies, tv shows, Gabs telling me that she hates me, and a bedtime reading of Love You Forever. I feel like a fragile ball of exposed nerves roaming free in the world. I am exhausted from the gravity of this whole ordeal. For now, I’ll pull my armor back on and regain my balance, for my girls. But I have to do some very serious soul searching. We think we are giving our children everything they could hope for but in the end, it boils down to what everything is to our children. For my girls, everything is a good night hug from their Daddy. It is priceless. How do I choose who deserves to be happiest? How do I tell one that their needs has to be put aside for the others?

2010/11/09 12 comments

Little Kids Mom Life

Why did I teach my girls to spell

by Deborah Cruz 2010/10/20

written by Deborah Cruz

Remember the good old days when you could spell any word that you wanted your children NOT to understand. I don’t know how many times we spelled “B.A.T.H”, “S.L.E.E.P”, “N.A.P.” “O.U.T.S.I.D.E.” and every single curse word..ever! In fact the other night, my friend and I were at dinner talking and she burst out into spelling a curse word.We both chuckled because the youngest person at the table was my baby sister who is 32. But its just one more of our Mommy moments.

Unfortunately for me, my brilliant 5 year old is phonetically spelling everything now and when we spell..she figures it out. So, no more talking about how they won’t be going outside, or can’t drive their Barbie Escalade in 50 degree weather. No more whispered spelling about what we plan to do after the girls go to sleep. No more talking about what just transpired with the crazy mom. No, because now my child who hears absolutely nothing I have to say to her can hear everything I spell that is of absolutely no concern to her.Worse, she can understand what I am spelling and takes great unabashed joy in deciphering my Mommy code!

Damn! Why did I ever teach my kid to spell? I am fairly certain my life is going to hell in a gasoline doused hand basket, any day now. She’s already heard too much. She has cracked my code but worse is she cracked it before telling me she understood. In theory, I may or may not have said something about a certain crazy mother, teacher, neighbor or family member that may get repeated at the most inopportune time.It’s like I’m being held hostage by a kindergartner, without her knowledge.I can’t ask her not to say anything because a) I’m not sure entirely what she has deciphered and understood and what she has not b)if I do broach the subject and ask her not to repeat any thing, what kind of an example am I setting? I’d be teaching her that its OK to be mean and ugly and then to lie to cover it up.Yeah, because that will never come back to bite me in the ass.

No thank you! I have already learned my lesson, from my Mother’s flurry of “I hope you have a little girl just like you when you grow up” that has since hit me over the head and kicked me in the ass ten fold. NO, I know the bitch that karma can be and I choose not to taunt or tempt her. I will keep my mouth shut. Stop spelling in front of my big brained baby and really just try and be a better person. After all, isn’t it my mouth that got me into all of this trouble and not my daughter’s big brain or astute hearing skills? But I still would like to know Why did I teach my girl to spell? Next thing you know, she’ll be deciphering for her little sister.Happy Mothering!

2010/10/20 10 comments

Little Kids Marriage and Relationships

Everything in life worth having, I got in college

by Deborah Cruz 2010/10/18

written by Deborah Cruz

Yesterday, here in the Midwest, was Sweetest Day. Not familiar with the Hallmark Day? Well, don’t feel bad. I believe its only celebrated here in the Midwest. What can we say, we love LOVE! It’s basically Valentine Day’s little not so bright sister. Same idea on a much smaller scale.

All excited for the first road trip in the Jeep

The Big Guy and I decided that yesterday was a perfect day to take the girls back to where it all began… Purdue University. We woke up and spontaneously made the 2+ hour trip south. It was a gorgeous autumn day. The leaves were every shade of amber, yellow, red and brown, the sun was high in the blue sky, and it was perfect sweatshirt and jean weather.

Indiana autumn

It was very exciting for us to be back on campus. We haven’t been in about 8 years. We were living in another part of the country and then we had the girls and there’s just not been a “right” time to go back. But yesterday morning, it was time. The girls were just excited to go on a road trip in Daddy’s new jeep..its very loud and rugged and they think it is awesome.

Daddy and his girls

The place where it all began; September 29,1997

We got to campus and parked so we could go get something to eat at our favorite restaurant. Of course, we hadn’t counted on it being Homecoming weekend and Breakfast club still going on at noon.So we couldn’t take our girls to our favorite joint for loaded fries because they were still serving alcohol as a bar. We had to explain to my 5-year old why all the college students were running around in costumes ( in case you are not familiar with the term, breakfast club is when you stay up all night drinking then put on your most outrageous costume and continue drinking at 7 am until you pass out.) We wanted to show the girls where we met, Harry’s chocolate shop, of course, there was a line down the street because of homecoming drinking.

Daddy and the girls @ the engineering mall. His old stomping grounds.

We decided to find a restaurant before we all passed out from malnutrition and were violated by the costumed hooligans:) The littles just thought it was so cool that all the students were dressed up. Of course, hey were in a state of shock and awe when an over zealous co-ed ran up to them and yelled “BOILER UP!”. Bella looked as if he had just cursed her out. Long story short we ate something and showed the girls where all of our favorite memories together were made, where we had lived, where we had classes, where we met, my first all girl dorm as a

Long story short we ate something and showed the girls where all of our favorite memories together were made, where we had lived, where we had classes, where we met, my first all girl dorm as a freshman, where we spent that first long night laying under the stars telling each other everything in the middle of those damn soccer fields, where he asked me to marry him, where he told me he loved me and where our lives changed forever.

Where the Big Guy Proposed January 28,1998

Picking leafs at Purdue

The famous “fountain”

The whole time, my chest was filled with pride to be sharing such a wonderful part of our history with our girls. It felt like being back in our first home as a “we”. It also was weird to be in a place that was such a momentous part of my past, standing there holding the hands of our future. It was weird, like the two could not exist simultaneously. At the same time it was amazing to be able to do so. To be able to watch my little girls walk the halls, paths and lie in the grass and touch the trees of the place that made me who I am today was a surreal feeling. To see my little girls in their Boilermaker p

To see my little girls in their Boilermaker princess t-shirts or pink polka dotted PURDUE t-shirts, traipsing along the streets that saw me turn into a woman almost brought me to tears. By the end of the day, hearing them yell, “Boiler Up” to complete strangers, and for my Bella to say “Mommy, this is the best day ever” as she chomped on Mad Mushroom cheese sticks made my heart happy.

Outside the Liberal arts building; my old stomping grounds

Enjoying the campus

It reminded me of my time in college, starting out as a scared little girl afraid to leave home, thrust onto this huge campus with no one. I met my best friend that year in the dorms.The girl who would become fairy Godmother ( as Bella calls her) to my Bella, maid of honor in my wedding, my greatest ally in life aside from the Big Guy.

She is the friend who is so close we are sisters. She is the friend who knows all of my flaws and secrets and still loves me. I never have to be anything other than myself around her. We are so close that her family is mine and mine are hers. So close that my happiness is her joy and my sadness causes her to cry and I am the same for her. That was just the first year of college.

My girl in the same spot I took my first ever picture on campus on Move in day , freshman year!

My best friend, my sister, “hermanita”.

A time passed by I became the woman I was always supposed to be. I grew from a child who wanted and did childish things to a woman. College was where I loved, grew, cried, laughed, and learned to sort out who and what was really important to me.

And then it was the place where I met the greatest love of my life, the love of my life. It was where I learned what it meant to be all in. It’s where I learned that love is not about who is in control, who has the most power or what you look like, it’s about giving your heart over to someone and knowing that they will take care of it and guard it with their life. It’s where I learned that beauty is only skin deep and first impressions are not always right. It’s where I learned that anything worth having is worth taking big risks for and going for it. Purdue is where I finally met “ME”.

I’m sure the girls did enjoy the day on campus but they will never know what this first trip with them meant to me and the Big Guy. I looked at him and saw the awkward, long and lanky alternative boy with the bleached blond hair and blue tips sporting an eyebrow ring that I had met at Harry’s. I’m sure he saw the spunky coed who was thin as a rail but could throw back the drinks with the frat boys.That girl who was fearless and carefree. The girl who would stay up all night lying in a field watching the stars and talking about our pasts and future all in that first night. I liked how that made me feel.

Being back there was like coming full circle and I can’t wait to do it over and over again. Everything in my life worth having, began on that campus. It was the beginning of the biggest journey of my life and I think that makes it pretty much a sacred place for me. Sometimes the sweetest day of all is just stepping back, taking a deep breath , remembering where it all began and enjoying what you have accomplished in this life.

My baby walking my old path to class ( also the same path to the Big Guy’s house:)


The wonderment that began at Purdue! Thank you Purdue for the most amazing memories and beginning to my lifetime!

BOILER UP, BABY!

2010/10/18 12 comments

Girl Mom Little Kids

Ballerinas behaving Badly

by Deborah Cruz 2010/09/29

written by Deborah Cruz

Today, Bella came out of ballet very upset that one of the little girls in the class was ignoring her.Apparently, there was an incident a couple weeks ago when Bella ( being that she is 5) told the little girl, “You are my best friend” to which the little girl responded, ” NO, I’m not your best friend. So and so is my best friend!” And another incident previous to that one where Bella brought her friend on bring a friend day and wanted to sit by her, this other little girl sat between them and basically was friendly to Bella’s friend but excluded Bella. Bella was very upset that day, as well. Friendship has been a big theme lately at our household. I think it has a lot to do with being new to this entire kindergarten situation. It’s like everything revolves around who your friends are…wow, sounds a lot like high school.

Anyways, I’ve always been a big advocate of the “to have a good friend, you’ve got to be a good friend” mantra.Hell, you’ve all heard me preach it…time and time again. To an extent, I do believe that. Well, I certainly believe it…if they are in fact your friend. Now, it has recently come to light that there seems to be, what I can only classify as “mean girls” in the elementary girl set. I can’t even believe I am saying this because it sounds so freaking ridiculous. But believe me you, I’m finding this all out the hard way. Not so much the boys, but it seems girls learn very early on about this competition amongst one another. I for one am an advocate of sisterhood and that has been what I have been trying to instill with all this To have a good friend, you’ve got to be a good friend business.

But what do you do,when your child is heeding your advice and giving and giving some more when the other child is just taking and even worse..rejecting. I want my daughters to give people chances and not judge them by first impressions, but its hard to teach this when my girls are the only ones adhering to these rules. There’s only so many times I can watch my child, all bright eyed and bushy tailed, approach another child only to have the other child ignore or reject my child. I’m not going to lie. It pisses me off. I try to teach my girls to be nice, respectful and giving in their relationships and I am watching it being met with unresponsiveness or insincere responses. I don’t necessarily think that these parents aren’t teaching their kids how to behave appropriately. I just think that I am around a lot more and so by being there, my girls follow the rules and it also gives me the opportunity to see the other children sometimes ( some more than others) behaving badly.

Today, I had enough. I had enough of Bella getting upset. I had enough of her feeling rejected. I had enough of this other little girl ignoring her hellos and goodbyes. I had enough of this little girls smart ass comments. She actually told my daughter, “I’m better than you because I am older and can dance better!” WTF? She is older. But my daughter is younger…and was placed at the same level. You do the math. This little girl used to be her friend. We moved away. Moved back. And the kid has metamorphosed into a full on raging mean girl. I know, how awful do I sound referring to a 6 year old as a raging anything? I’m sure there is a special place in hell for me…but I’m also pretty sure that kid is going to be there right with me.

So, I took my little girl’s sweet little tear stained face into my hands and I told her “Forget about her! You don’t need friends like that.” To which Bella responded, “Yeah, because she is mean and stupid and she won’t let the other girls play with me.” Me: ” Bella we don’t call people stupid (even if they are). When you see her if she says hi, say hi back, If she doesn’t, just act like you don’t care!” Am I wrong? I can’t keep telling my little girl to turn the other cheek when every which way she turns, this little girl is metaphorically slapping her in the face…and harder each time. I don’t know what is motivating this behavior.I don’t honestly care. I just refuse to teach my kid to be a doormat to others. Maybe I should teach my girls the 3 strikes you’re out rule? That gives people an ample amount of time to redeem themselves, right? Of course, even under those circumstances this mouthy little girl would still be left in the OUT pile.Happy Mothering! Does this ever get any easier?

2010/09/29 23 comments

Little Kids

The Fickle Friendships of Five Year olds

by Deborah Cruz 2010/09/22

written by Deborah Cruz

This morning,we awoke to a dreary morning.These are the hardest to get the girls our of bed. I decided to get the morning started off on the right foot. I cranked up the i tunes and we had a early morning dance party to Liztomania. I know, not conventional but it got the girls up and moving and in a good mood. The rest of the morning went relatively smoothly.

We even arrived at drop off a few minutes early and Bella wanted to wait for her new friend. Yes, after all the drama of ‘feeling left out’ she has finally made a “best friend” in class. She has loads of friends outside of school but we all know how imperative it is to have at least one at the place we spend everyday.It’s been great. She has someone to play with and talk to, stand in the morning line with. They see each other at mass and they walk, arm in arm down to children’s liturgy. This friendship has been a source of heart happiness all around.Bella is actually looking forward to getting to school. ever morning.

But this morning, things went horribly wrong. In reality , it was not a big deal but through the eyes of a five year old, it was pretty monumental. As I said, we were specifically waiting for this little girl. Bella refused to get in line, lest she end up stuck by someone other than her bestie. Her excitement was palpable. So, there we stood and then..she arrived. Bella’s little face lit up like a Christmas tree. I was wearing what could only be described as a cat that ate the canary grin , myself. How could I not be, Bella was so happy.

I watched the little girl approaching and she had that running late/woke up late/ pissed at the world look on her face. As an adult, I knew that these were the tell tale signs of a bad mood. But before I could stop the train wreck.. it happened. Bella made a b line for the little girl and when she ran up in line next to the little girl, still smiling and excited, her excited chatter was greeted by what I refer to as the, “Why the hell are you speaking to me” blank expression.You know the one, we’ve all seen it once or twice in our lifetime. That look that makes you feel about 2 inches tall; simultaneously breaking your heart and making you feel stupid in the same moment.

I watched as all the color drained from Bella’s face and I could virtually see her heart sink and her stomach knot. She became silent, and she looked at me. her eyes nervously darted towards me and cried out ” What’s going on?Why is my friend being mean to me?” I saw her eyes welling with tears. In my head, I was willing her not to cry. She held my gaze with a nervous smile.I had to swallow a huge lump in my throat because while I understood that this little girl was just having a bad morning, Bella did not .All that she knew was that her best friend wouldn’t talk to her.

Of course, I came over and gave Bella a hug and kiss in line and told her that I loved her. I also told her to not worry about it, maybe the little girl was just having a hard time waking up. Then I walked to the back of the line to wait for Bella to go into the building. She held my gaze, as if it were my hand and I was giving her strength. The bell rang and as she walked away, I saw her head drop a little. My heart was breaking for her.

Her class is in the basement and from the drop off, you can see her classroom. I never linger and watch her come into class but she looked so deflated and defeated that I could not, in good conscience, leave without knowing she was OK. I watched as she came into class and made yet another failed attempt at talking to her friend. My heart broke a little more. Then she continued to follow the little girl around the room. She was determined. Then they sat down and I realized the connection, their best friend status stems from seating geography; probably nothing else. Finally, she looked up and her sister and I smiled and waved. Then we exchanged air kisses. I gave her the thumbs up and she smiled. Then the little girl caught sight of us and I smiled and gave her a thumbs up too. Next, both girls were waving their arms wildly, smiling and giggling with one another as they shared this moment of Gabs and I standing outside smiling at them. I left and I felt that maybe I had righted the injustice. At least they were talking.

I know that I can’t live my daughters lives for them. But as their mother, I want to shield them from all the unnecessary hurt in the world. I think that is pretty common for us Mommies. I walked to my car and I almost lost it because I’m not sure what hurt or happiness the day holds for Bella and worse, I have no control over it. You know, I can take anything the world wants to throw at me but I become extremely fragile when it comes to my girls. My heart is worn like an exposed nerve when it comes to them. I realize that these incidents are part of growing up and any hurt feelings are just casualties of getting to that bigger part of their life. But all I want to do is wrap her tightly in my arms and shield her from all the injustices and hurt in the world. When it comes to my love for my girls there is no reason, no boundaries, no diplomacy…just love.

2010/09/22 11 comments

Little Kids

Help my Kindergartner has been body snatched

by Deborah Cruz 2010/09/15

written by Deborah Cruz

My Bella at the moment she was born. Wasn’t she beautiful and glorious?


This is my Bella at age 1. She was so sweet! OMG, she held my whole heart in those tiny little hands.Those eyes could look right through my soul and make everything in teh whole world make sense.


This is my Bella at age 2. That small lovely face was my world. I lived for every moment that I could be her Mommy.I was the luckiest person alive to say that you were born to me.

This is my Bella at 3 years old. She was quirky, funny, full of life and happier than I thought was legally allowed or possible!


This is my Bella age 4. Her first day of preschool in Chesterfield. She was nervous, you can see the trepidation on her face.But she was excited and went on to adore WUMP and all of the cherished friendships that she made there.


This is my Bella at age 5 , her first day of Kindergarten! Since then, I have not seen this little girl! I miss that smiling, happy little girl!


This is who always seems to be waiting for me at Kindergarten pick up! Seriously, little girl..you are a crazy, emotional, overwhelmed and down right mean to your Mommy wreck. I can’t take this out of control 16 year old trapped in and taking my 5 year olds body hostage every day. Please give her back! I will pay whatever you want. You can have my house, my car, my dog…hell, I’ll even throw in a years supply of cootified Chuckie Cheese tokens for your enjoyment.Just give me back my Bella! Now, it’s almost 11,excuse me while I go face my doom at yet another kindergarten pick up. Seriously….Give me my girl back!

Hang in there baby. Mommy’s coming to save you.Uummm, save me us from your emotional state.No one told me the crazy em
otional teenage tantrums could appear this early.I think I know the remedy… that’s right, I’m bringing out the big guns. I’m bringing NAPS BACK!! Love you Baby!!…..even if you have lost your ever loving mind in Kindergarten!

2010/09/15 11 comments

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