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Bossypants Says a Prayer

by Deborah Cruz
Tina Fey, Bossypants,motherhood,pregnant

Photo courtesy of Google

As if we Mommies didn’t already have enough cause to adore Tina Fey, she has done something so fabulous that I may ,in fact, have a Mommy crush. My first ever. I was sent this link by the amazing Alexandra from Good Day Regular People. She knew I could appreciate it, especially since I have two little girls. I know Mommies of boys love their boys just as much as I love my girls, but there are a whole different set of issues that come with girls. That being said, I am sharing Tina Fey’s prayer for a daughter.’

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer. Guide her, protect her When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed. And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes. Amen.


Ms.Fey, I agree with you on absolutely every single point. You are an honorary Truthful Mommy. I can’t wait to read your new book, Bossypants. Im sure it will be amazing, smart  and hilarious, just like Ms. Fey.

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ZenaliciousMom 2011/04/18 - 6:54 pm

Love this! I am so glad you posted this since I was listening to NPR on the way home from school and Tina Fey was on the program reading this poem. Obviously when it got towards the middle I was all like “Oh Crap is this totally inappropriate for my kids to be listening to” and then I had to turn it off. I was laughing hysterically though…and my 8 yo DD was all like “What was so funny Mom??? Was that appropriate for me to hear???”

Smart cookie.

Truthful Mommy 2011/04/18 - 8:01 pm

Amazing right? I completely have a Mommy crush on her for this prayer.It;s everything that I’ve ever prayed for my girls. The only thing missing is a long healthy and happy life:)Tina Fey rocks in my book!

ZenaliciousMom 2011/04/18 - 8:07 pm

Love Tina Fey! Yes she is one funny gal!! I agree about the long healthy and happy life too but that might be a given.

I’ll have to add this book to my Must Read (2 pages per night before I fall asleep) List. I’m sad I know – it took me 2 months to finish the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

Michelle (Addicted2Shius) 2011/04/19 - 12:24 am

I love this! And I love Tina Fey. I think I’m gonna have to buy her book when it comes out! Thanks for sharing 🙂 It brought a smile to my face.

Loukia 2011/04/19 - 9:58 am

I LOVE this. I read it last week at work, and literally cried. I know, I’m way emotional. She’s awesome.

Guest 2011/04/20 - 12:39 pm

Love it — and here’s a version for sons:

Renee 2011/10/15 - 2:17 am

My teen hated it when I was a helicopter mom, now she was happy I was, she knows I cared and that I kept her from harm while other kids ran loose and did stupid things that will haunt them for life.. so there!! I did my part, it was not easy and it was not to be a friend, Im a mom, and love every minute of it!!

Truthful Mommy 2011/10/16 - 1:58 pm

I don’t care if my kids hate my helicopter parenting, I will keep them happy, healthy and alive..if it seems like I am helicoptering, well, than I guess that’s just what it will have to be. You did good mama!

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