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long distance

Seems lately, I have been spending a majority of my life in a never ending holding pattern. Think about that for a moment. Really think about it.Not moving forward, not achieving anything….just holding steady; making noise. On but not functioning.
I think a lot of moms feel this way sometimes. Like you are not living up to your potential but at the same time, you are doing everything you can to get by. Using ALL of your effort, just to get through a day. Well, now take that and multiply it by about a 1000 and you will be closer to the place I have been for the past few months. It’s starting to take its toll on me. I can feel myself slowly becoming weaker ; more vulnerable. On some days I feel like I’m walking around my life like an exposed nerve. Just waiting for the slightest breeze of change to send me into a tailspin. I feel like a broken record ,s o if you feel you’ve heard it before..walk away now.

Many of you are familiar with the situation that has consumed our lives for the past year and a half. There was May 2009, January 2010, and Now; life has been really rough with all this going on. I have been trying to hold it all together with minimal meltdowns and a stiff upper lip. It’s not always so easy. It’s very hard to run a household, take care of the children, pay the bills,  run all the errands and keep the schedule with no respite; no help whatsoever. But it is much harder when you have a husband that you are happily married to but, due to circumstances beyond your or his control, he is not there. It makes me angry to know that I did all the leg work to have this marriage but I receive none of the benefits. We’re not divorced, we truly do love one another, he’s my best friend, he’s a good father, and thanks to our economy he is pulled away from us. I think it’s a completely different feeling  than if I were a single Mother or we were divorced because its like having money and not being allowed to spend it versus just not having the money. It’s sort of like that you don’t miss what you never had. Well, I had have it, but I don’t have access. Which is possibly the most frustrating scenario ever.

Anyways, aside from all the other craziness, now we are getting ready for school to start. My eldest baby ( yes, she is still my baby) is getting ready to start kindergarten on the 19th. This will be a difficult day for me. I know this.Exposed nerve alert! Just the thought of that impending doom makes me tear up. It’s very emotional to let your child take that first step into growing up. It’s bigger than any first step thus far, at least that is how my heart is feeling right now. Due to this situation we are in, I am not sure that my husband is going to make it to the first day. It’s our first child’s , first day of kindergarten! You know, the first day of the rest of her life. This day will never come again. I feel that it is crucial that he is there, for all of us.He has missed a lot these past few months because of his job and I think this is unmissable; not just for her but for him, as well. So, to catch you up to speed; Mommy is in an emotional state of an exposed nerve; eldest girl is nervous about kindergarten and new school and her life completely changing; little sister will have a breakdown ( On the first day of her sister’s preschool, she screamed and cried as we left “BELLA!BELLA!” ( Just imagine Brando saying “Stella” but in the voice of a distraught 2 year old.) and me..trying to hold it all together. I don’t want to do this alone. I shouldn’t have to. This has me filled with trepidation and sadness. Is it wrong for me to want my family to be able to cohabitate like a normal family? Is it wrong to want my husband around for support? I mean, I don’t want to be a pain in the ass but when is it going to end? It all just keeps getting piled on! So, this is where I am..an exposed nerve.

Then, good news..great news. He’s been interviewing for about a month ( yes, you heard me right) with a company that would put him in a position that he would love. We get the call, with an offer that is acceptable. Great news, in theory. It means yet another move. It means its too late to get into a good school at this late of a date. It means having to try and sell our house (nobody buys in the Midwest after Labor Day) meaning we are screwed until next spring. It means finding all new schools, it means finding new doctors, dentists, ballet schools, friends and the list goes on and on. It really is good news but we can’t move until the house sells. What does all this mean? It means my husband got a great new job at a horrible time of the year for putting our house on the market, it means the taste in my mouth from trying to sell it last year on our previous move is still fresh in my mind and it scares the hell out of me, it means I’m still alone until at least next spring. I am trying to be positive and hold it all together but its hard when you’re an exposed nerve and there is no relief in immediate sight. Nobody ..NOBODY understands how this feels, unless they’ve been in this position ( for this long) and I don’t know too many people who have been in a holding pattern for this long. I know, in my mind, that when it is all said and done we will be in a much better position in our lives but the hard part is trying to survive the meantime. I deserve to be moving forward in my life,with my children, with my husband, with my dreams..not holding steady; holding on for dear life. I want to enjoy my life not just survive it. I think I can, I think I can….

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This day has been trying and over wrought with activities; big booming activities… kindergarten roundup, which meant waking my girls up from their sleep ( my rule on children and sleep is let them sleep until they wake)so waking them from their slumber bodes well for no one in the house, least of all me. After the emotional roller coaster that was Kindergarten roundup, we had lunch, a well intentioned but never coming to full fruition nap..uh oh! Oh yeah, uh oh is right! Then ballet class observation day. Tired ballerina is performing but somewhere in space not quite down on earth with the rest of us. But ,my God, is she ever adorable doing it! Her sister, completely berserk from her own self inflicted sleep deprivation is twirling around on the floor like a whirling dervish ( did I mention she is NOT in the class, but a mere bystander). I am trying to man the camcorder and the digital camera because my assistant is off on his gig in Iowa. So, there I am, in the throes of hell because of the chaos..I for one do not thrive in chaos. We make it through. Arrive at home, dinner time of course everything I am cooking my tired 2 year old says “No..MOMMEEEEEEEE. Me NO WANT!”but in the most long, drawn out, whiny voice ever heard by human ears. AND this , my friends, was the second third time this show took place today; once for every meal! At least she’s consistent. It was one of those I say black she said white days. She just didn’t want to do anything I asked her to do. I never really adhered to the whole terrible 2 thing, but this day just may have convinced me that they do ,in fact, exist! After much bargaining, on my part, when all it really needed was her big sister to say, “Boy I sure want to eat what  Mommy’s making for dinner” she finally ate. Of course, that would have been way too easy.We make it through dinner (barely), I am biding my time until bedtime. If I can just make it through the next 2 hours, this miserable day will be almost to a close..Bedtime!Sweet, sweet bedtime! But first, there had to be outdoor play time on the jungle gym and SKYPE with Daddy.SKYPE with Daddy I understand, an absolute must but the swing set..really! After much threatening to call the cops and threatening that I would leave her with our elderly neighbor as a babysitter ( he’s really old, and really nice but granted he is a little creepy even to me..so I can’t imagine what he looks like through the eyes of a 2 year old..perhaps the crypt keeper? I know, I am awful!I’ll probably burn in hell for that alone.) if she did not put on her damn new crocs to go outside to play, it finally worked. I was frazzled, about to lose it. Again we made it through. Ok, the end was in sight. “Come on girls, lets go in wash up, get on our jams and SKYPE Daddy!”
“Me no want to, Me want to play outside with Bella!!!!!!!!”20 minutes later…we are inside, not finding any pajamas that my 2 year old deems acceptable. Then they are both in jams, its almost over. We finally SKYPE Daddy, the girls are out of control tired..more interested in jumping on my bed and seeing if they can cut their heads off in the ceiling fan than actually conversing with their Daddy.Everyone says goodnight. I end SKYPE, do the happy dance, put the oldest in bed and head off to get the youngest to sleep. Just as my 2 year old is finally drifting off, my 5 year old decides to have a full on meltdown. “I miss my Daddy!!! I want my Daddy!!!!” Crocodile tears the likes of which I have not seen …EVER. I send a picture to my husband on his cell phone. Come on, why should I have all the fun? I only wish that I had audio to accompany the photo for him to fully enjoy the experience!This, of course, woke the extremely over tired 2 year old up. Upon which,  I promptly had to dig through photos in order to find them both photos of themselves with Daddy…to sleep with!My girls, or should I say Mommies little Drama Queens! All kidding aside, I understand her reaction..I kinda felt this way myself today. I officially do not like Mondays!

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