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kids say the darndest things

After my Throat Punch Thursday; Taking it up the rear edition, I needed a little something to smile about. So, I am sharing with you some random things that can be heard around my house on a daily basis between my 3 and 5 year old. For instance, today I heard:

Gabs (3 year old) “Where’s my PIL-       OH-         PET!!!” RAWR ( maybe you had to be there, but I swear it was funny and I am 99% certain that she did in fact rawr.)

Bella: “No Shoes on the Bed!” (Yelled, and sounding just like Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest..NO WIRE HANGERS! I was seriously a little bit creeped out. Now, if she would have been sporting that crazy baby Jane smudged red lip stick look she perfected after a round with Mommy’s lip stick.I would have really been scared)

Bella (5 year old) to Gabs “What’s that? Your NEW Nick Name???? You are NOT BATMAN!!!!” Seriously, what the hell did I miss in that conversation?

Bella to Gabs : “Oh yeah? It’ go time PUNK!” I really am going to have to limit the amount of Clint Eastwood I let this kid watch:)

Bella to me (while getting dressed): “Mommy, you guys are BUTT outta luck!”
Me: “What?”( More like WTF did she just say?)
Bella:”Wash my laundry, I am down to like NO MORE panties that I like!”
Is it wrong that I am missing diapers right now! After Gabs panties issues last month and Bella the diva demanding I do her laundry. I am actaully sitting here missing diapers.

Then there was this;

Gabs : “Hey Bella! Bella Baloney!”
Bella: “Stop it! Mommy, tell her to stop!”
Me: “Gabs, leave your sister alone. That’s not nice!” ( but it was pretty funny)
Gabs: “OK, me sorry Bella……..(wait for it) ………………Bella Baloney!”(giggling all the way as her sister’s tiny little head explodes with anger).

And it was all better!Happy Mothering!

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We all know  my girls say the craziest things, especially me 5 year old. Here are 3 from the last 24 hours.Enjoy!
Me(on the phone with my hubby): “I don’t know, I think maybe I have PMS.”
Bella (my 5 yo)”No, you don’t!”
Me:”What? What are you talking about? How do you know for sure its not PMS?”
I am obviously fishing for what the hell exactly she thinks PMS is.
Bella:” Well, you’re not coughing and sneezing and all that.SO, its not PMS!”
Me: LMAO!!!! Obviously she thinks PMS is code for a cold. I guess that’s what we get for spelling everything in front of her!

A little earlier today we were out shopping. Mommy needs some new shorts because last years are too big (Yey!) of course, as stated in the previous example, it was the worst possible week of the month to try on clothes. Anyways, I’ve been in a bit of a funk and thought what the hell I need some retail therapy! As I am trying on shorts, 2 sizes smaller than last summers, I am leery if they are going to fit. Eureka, they fit but it depended on the style as to how they fit. I’m trying them on and a little flustered by my water retention. When I hear Bella say, from the corner of the dressing room, “Good luck with that!”
Me: “Good luck with what?” Bella: “Good luck getting those suckers to button!”
OMG,she’s like my conscience walking around taunting me. I laughed so hard, there was no way I was getting those suckers buttoned. You just can’t suck it in when you’re belly laughing.

After the shopping, we hit lunch. My girls love Sonic, I can’t, in good conscience, eat it. It’s so fattening. But what they really love more than the food itself is the act of eating in the car, the taboo of being released from their car seats and eating freely. So, we compromised and I took them to Wendy’s for a cheeseburger and some milk and we ate in the parking lot. Oh, if you only knew how badly I hate that. It’s one of those odd pet peeves of mine. It just conjures images in my mind of someone so insatiably hungry and obese that they can’t wait til they get home to eat. it just screams weakness.( I know, mole hill into a mountain ).They, on the other hand, were as happy as clams. As we sat there eating, them eating their Wendy’s and me my Subway, every thing was perfect. It was a beautiful spring day. We finish and as we are leaving the parking lot, we spy a gentleman in the  drive thru on his bicycle. You know Bella, she was not letting this one go unnoticed.
Bella: “Hey MOm!”
Me: “Yes, Bella?”
Bella: “That guy sure looks special!”
I’m not exactly what she was inferring but the intonation in her voice wreaked of sarcasm. I was pretty afraid to ask. But she said exactly what I was thinking! I’ve realized she doesn’t say crazy  random things, she pretty much just says every single thought I ever have. She is hilarious. Much more hilarious than if I had said it.

                                                         My Bella!

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As we are playing on the swing set in our back yard, I am telling my girls they have 5 minutes left before we go in for naps. They ignore me, as most often they do. I say once more, “5 minutes til we go in for naps!” (that by the way never did come to fruition.) Suddenly, my 5 year old looks at me and says, ” Mom, just because I am talking to Gabs and not looking at you, I CAN still hear you….I have a super power!” Me: “Oh , yeah. What would that be? (besides the obvious, ignoring the sound of my voice without even flinching)” Bella: “I’m a SUPER LISTENER! I hear everything!” OK, that’s news to me because she may hear me but she certainly does not always listen:)

The other day, while visiting my in laws (no less), we all go to dinner. On the way home in the car,we are discussing the idea of my husband and I going on a date. My husband and I had been excited about the idea of potentially being able to go out on a date…by ourselves. My girls love having Grandma babysit….junk food, later bedtime, so on and so forth. It was going to be a win win situation. My 5 year old interjects into the conversation,” Mommy, you should go out with Daddy. Have fun! Stay out as late as you want. But NOT TOO much fun or you’ll come back with another baby!” Thanks a lot for the warning. I’m sure your Grandparents loved the information as well. My girls, they know no boundaries! I love it. I had to laugh, it was adorable and just totally hilarious the things her little mind cooks up.

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So, I just walked out of the shower and was promptly attacked by the overwhelming scent of too much perfume. Apparently, my 2  year old had taken it upon herself to bathe in my Very Irresistible by Givenchy. (Apparently , not so Very Irresistible in large quantities!) Now, I know we all know this familiar scent when someone has put on too much perfume. Either we have done it ourselves out of poor judgment, or had the misfortune of being stuck in a car or a room with someone who obviously has a broke sniffer. (Its usually those same unfortunate women who don’t have mirrors in their houses!) My point is, we’ve all been there. It’s not a nice smell. Before I could reprimand or say anything to my 2 year old, my 5 year old comes waltzing into my bedroom and ( while holding her nose, no less) she very dramatically says, “EWWWWW, MOMMY! Stinky Old PEOPLENESS!” Obviously, I am a little immature and I broke into laughter immediately. I think my judgment is skewed because I am giddy with excitement to see my husband tonight. This out of town business/ single mother during the week crap is for the birds. Then I wondered, how did she relate the two? And how did she come up with that term? She is, after all, only 5. Apparently my snarky little mini me apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. She has ,of late, become quite the expert on Oldies. A couple days ago, my MIL was coming to visit. We had the two days planned full of activities. I was reviewing with the girls and said, “Well, sweetie, we may have to scale back this list of activities. Mommy is getting old!” To which my sweet 5 year old answers, ” NAH, MOMMY, you are NOT OLD. Grandma…now she’s old!” Oye vey, thank God Granny hadn’t arrived yet. This little light of mine…she always lets it shine. I think I’ve come to realize she has inherited Mommy’s filter, or should I say lack there of.

Warning; Image above is wonderful in moderation! In large doses may cause “Stinky Old Peopleness!”

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Let me preface this by saying, I am so paranoid about my girls developing body issues that if you ask them ,”What are you?” Their standard answer, with absolutely no conceit, is, “Perfection!” Or as Bella likes to say ,”Perfectional!” I am trying to raise them to know that they are perfect as is; to know that people come in all shapes, sizes,and colors and we are all of the same worth. We are all the perfect us that we are suppose to be.I stress this point to them. Though, of course, being that I am human, I am uber critical of myself but I am conscientious not to exhibit that behavior in front of them, or so I thought. It’s a 24 hour a day job, just trying not to be a bad example :)I thought that I was succeeding at this job.I guess I thought wrong.
The other day, out of the blue, my 4 year old, Bella looks at me and whispers, “Mom, I want you to be tall and straight like Daddy.” With that, she smiled a little sheepish smile. So between the whisper and the (please don’t hurt me, on the brink of a flinch smile) I concluded, she was trying to say something very diplomatically that was in fact an insult. But I wasn’t sure what. My husband is 6’5″, so I understand that he is taller than me but what did she mean by “straight”? I’m married to a man and she has to idea of the implications of the words “straight or gay” ,so this left me wondering, what in the hell exactly she meant. So, I said,”Bella, Mommy is a girl and sometimes they are shorter than boys.I can’t do anything about that.” She said,(in her whispering/defensive stance/hands actually up to her mouth to signify a secret) “But you can get straight!” I look at her, and again, that same impish smile. I’m curious and I’m confused. “Honey, what do you mean that you want me to be “straight like Daddy”? Bella, looks me up and down and says, “You know, straight,with none of this!” By this, I inferred by her hand gestures and the fact that she was rubbing my love handles, she meant my lovely chunkiness. OMG, this is the moment I hoped would never come. I’m not obese, but I’m no size 5 anymore.I am certainly a well established resident in double digit land. I took a mental note and decided that it was in fact time to get back into shape. I want to be a good role model, and all that:)She wasn’t trying to mean, but she obviously knew, at her young age of 4, that Mommy’s weight was a sensitive subject. We’ve had the occasional,”Mom you’ve got a big butt!”, which of course, compared to hers, I do. Let’s face it, I got a big butt. I have always responded, “Well Bella, Mommy would look crazy with a little butt like yours.I’m too big for a bootie that size, but its perfect for your little girl body:)” Which, indeed, I would and it is. Her response is always, “It’s OK Mom, I love your big butt!” So, overall, its all good. My ego gets a little bruised, but I bounce back. That was then.
Today,at dinner, Bella is engaged in a full on monologue with herself, as four year olds are known to do from time to time. Then she leaps into her,I’m pretending I’m somebody else mode.OK, I’m used to this. I hear her having a conversation with herself about her Mom being “straight”. I turn slowly, and my ears perk up, like a nosey dog.I can’t resist,”Bella, you still love me even if I’m not “straight”,right? Families love each other no matter what.” To which she responds, “Yeah, Mom! But some people are like ‘Hey look at that fat girl!’ ( Imagine my aghast face and sheer horror) and she continues ,”But I’m like ,’Hey don’t say that, she’s my Mom and she’s perfect!” And then she looks me dead in the eye, serious as I’ve ever seen her, and says,”I still love you anyways,Mommy!” At this point, I am in shock and mortified that this is the conversation that her and her ‘imaginary friends are having’:) Continuing, as an equal opportunity child that she apparently is, she looks at me and (again with that smile and whisper, since Daddy’s out of earshot) says ,”It’s OK Mom, they say it about Daddy and Saffaron (the dog) too. They’re like ‘Hey, look at that stupid guy walking that dog!’ OMG, all I want to know is who are these horribly evil little imaginary people that live in my daughter’s head and what do I have to do to shut them up? LOL I laughed so hard that I did in fact cry, part, laughing my butt off at her imagination and her keen sense of decorum to know that she needed to be delicate with her Mommy’s feelings, and part at the sad fact that my daughter has, in fact, noticed my imperfections and thinks I’m perfect anyways…or at least that is what she has chosen to let me believe , in spite of the facts.I love my daughter, she is ‘perfectional’ to me, and I am starting a diet tomorrow! I’ve also realized that I have to fight the urge and be more conscious of the “does my butt look big? Does this make me look fat?” comments that slip out of my mouth undetected. But like they say, ” I can lose weight, but poor Daddy..well, what do you do for being stupid?

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