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friendship

Blogging

Bloggy Friends are People too!

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

Now that Blogger has stopped acting like a complete asshole! OMG..I was totally fiending to post last night and Blogger decided to hold my blog hostage..no posting allowed. Not fair! Boo!!! OK, now that that’s out of the way. I’m sorry , it had to be said!
I spend my days immersed in my children; their lives, their activities, their wants,their needs. That’s what us Mommies do, right? I love it..most of the time but it doesn’t leave much time for a social life. I am all about Mommy Nights Out, friendship, sisterhood. I won’t pass up a good friend, coffee and conversation on the deck. A long walk , talking with a good girlfriend. Oh my good, can it get any better than that? Or maybe, some cocktails and tapas, where you have a few hours to just really be yourselves and talk about anything and everything. My God, in these days, I am sufficiently satisfied with  a great text conversation or IM session. We take what we get and we don’t get upset. That’s my 5 year olds mantra. I have adopted it , as well. The main point being that we women, and even more so once you become a Mommy, we really need our friendships. These are the women who can see past the poop, spit up, disheveled hair, work out clothes, no makeup, cereal fixing for dinner days and see us as human beings and not just Mommies. They are what tethers our sanity and sustains us when we are looking into the jaws of hell with a colicky newborn, a tantrum prone toddler, or a Ms. Sassy pants kindergartner. They are who see us for who we really are…not just a woman but…insert your name here!
I do have a few fantastic friends, a couple are even local but most are spread all over the country. This, I must say, sucks! I have found myself in a very odd predicament lately. I don’ get to travel very much , just because of the constant chaos that is my life and the aforementioned immersion into the girls world, so most communication has been maintained through the internet and/or my new bestest friend..my Iphone ( oh, how I love that bitch!). So, its really no wonder or even great stretch of the imagination that since I was already communicating with my friends via technology that I soon found myself relating stories to my husband and referring to my “friends”. My husband, nosy asshole that he is, always asks, “Who are you talking about?” Me: “My friend, you don’t know them!” (yeah, because I get out so much and have so many friends that he has never met). He persists and I realize that I have to reveal that the “friend” to which I am referring is a fellow blogger. He finds this hysterical . I can see the condemnation in his eyes, followed by the ” you poor sad girl you have no real friends” look. Then I feel ashamed because its sorta like revealing that your “best friend” is imaginary or the “boyfriend” you spent your sophomore summer with is actually a picture from a magazine. Oh the horror.
But really, its not like that at all, is it? I speak to you daily, with the exception of the weekends which I reserve for my family. I tell you my intimate secrets, and you tell me yours..probably over coffee ( in our own houses but I am sure coffee or cocktails are probably involved at least some of the time). Hell, you know things about me that my own family doesn’t know..because you are here and you listen. You’re such good listeners. I wish all my friends listened as well. I mean, I have to take your word for it that you are not Elvis-impersonating, hookah-smoking, spray-on-cheese-eating, sequined-pants-wearing, organ-peddling, identity-stealing 287-year-old cyborgs ( to learn more about that please go read this hilarious post by Naomi  at organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com)  .
Of course you’ve got to take my word for it that I’m not a Benny Hill wannabee, slathered up in honey and feathers, rubbing my head while writing my posts about my imaginary children. Nah, You know I’m not..who could make this shit up?

I guess what I am really trying to say is Thank you to my bloggy friends for sharing and listening, and thank you to my besties who I have met in person…for reading my blog, knowing my flavor of crazy,and sticking around anyway! What would I do without you all? So, keep the stories coming and when I relate them to my husband …I’ll just use your name and not your..@.com 🙂 Happy Mothering to all my friends!

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Parenting

If you’ve haven’t used in in two seasons…throw it out !

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

I’ve been watching a lot of Real Housewives lately..don’t know why. Maybe to annoy myself, maybe I’m bored, maybe its just so rainy and crappy out there’s nothing else to do but I did happen across a very important life lesson the other day. “If you’ve not used it/needed it in 2 seasons..throw it out!” So, I am going through purging my life of needless things today. Clothing, dishes, nick knacks, toys ( oh yeah even some of the kids stuff..some of the tough love feedback from last weeks post ..stuck), all slowly decreasing the clutter. I love it. I feel liberated. Then I realize, does this only have to apply to things? What about people? I know that sounds really awful but you know what I mean. Do I really need that FB friend who only really friended me ( in my personal FB not my fan site) to be nosey? I know its true because they’ve never said anything to me except the original “will you be my friend?” If we’ve not genuinely engaged in the last two years, I say I take you off my friends list. It’s fair, right? If you have been my friend over the past 10 years and you don’t know that I have a 5 and 2 year old….then I am eliminating you from my life. See how this works? If we dated a zillion years ago and God knows we absolutely don’t care what’s going on with one another…we shouldn’t be friends. If you don’t return calls consistently and anyone who has not been genuinely involved in my life via conversation or physically (one or the other or both) in the last 2 years, then I think we are not really friends and we should just eliminate one another from our lives.People are in our past for a reason, there’s is usually a good reason they are not part of our present,  so why try to force a future? I know this sounds cold but I have always tried to keep all my friendships going all the time. It is exhausting! There are some people who you can go months without seeing each other and talking but you pick up the phone and time never passed. Those are the exceptions. Those are the real friends! And those people never let 2 years pass without checking in on you. All the other relationships are a lot of work and if they are not doing their part, then what’s the point of trying. It takes two in a friendship. I don’t want to impart upon my daughters that they have to be people pleasers and keep every friend they ever make. Sometimes we just outgrow one another and life takes different directions. There is no wrong doing in that. It is evolution. But sometimes we hold on so tight in relationships that we end up either making ourselves miserable or smothering the other person with our expectations, or both. So, I’ve decided to stop holding on to the past, and concentrate on the future. I am de-cluttering my life and making room for all the wonderful things that are to come, instead of trying to figure out the past. In the spirit of that here is a little something I wrote ( feel free to use it if you’d like);

Ode to a Shitty Friend

Dear shitty friend,
You used to be my closest friend~
But now , after years of friendship thrown down the toilet by you~
You are indeed the shittiest of friends!
We used to be like sisters~
Where there was one, there was the other.
I shared in your happiness,
I was your biggest cheerleader!
Your friendship was more valuable to me than anything else in the world.
Then, the time came when we had to grow up.
The friendship could have evolved, it could have survived, it could have flourished~
But you chose to cut me out of your life.
Returning only on occasions when you felt especially shitty about yourself and you needed me in your cheering section.
You were like some crazy friend version of a booty call.
You’d call when you needed a friend and disappear when you didn’t need it.
But when I needed my cheerleader, you were no where to be found.
When I needed guidance, sisterhood, love,support and friendship,
You turned your back on me;stopped answering your phone.
I kept waiting, even coming back for more.
I figured, you needed my friendship more than I needed my dignity.
Now, the calls have become few and far between.
Maybe once every year or so, you check in~
Just to make sure that I am not perfectly happy, you like to drop in and infuse my life with a little misery.
It’s OK. I don’t get upset and cry anymore,
I barely even care.
In sad reality, I expect nothing of you
And there lies our friendship, on the floor in a million pieces.
I don’t worry about you ever reading this,
I know that you wouldn’t afford yourself the inconvenience.
There is no benefit in it for you.
Thanks for the lifetime, but lets move forward.
I have children of my own now and I can’t keep stroking your ego,
And feeding your narcissism.
I am too tired, too old, and even less interested.
Please don’t call me inebriated, professing love and friendship
and making promises that you have no intentions of keeping in the light of day.
I have endured my last frustration and worry over you.
I wish you nothing but happiness in your life~
But I refuse to any longer try to resuscitate a friendship that is so long dead.
Yours truly,
Someone who is finally coming to their senses

Happy Mothering!

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ConfessionsParenting

Truthful Tuesdays, March 30,2010; Mommy Breakdown in Progress

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

It’s Tuesday once again. Time for us to unload some of the things weighting us down in life. No judgment, just an ear to bend, a shoulder to cry on, and a helpful hand to help you up when you feel as if you have fallen in the proverbial crap of life. I missed last week, but I need to expunge today!
Let’s start by confessing that I am a miserable sick person. When I am sick, I just want to be left alone in a dark room to sleep it all away. Just let me sleep for a week straight with nothing but liquids pushed under the door to keep me alive. I know I’ve been cranky and grouchy with the girls.Hell,I even called my husband at work 3 states away to unleash my miserableness on him. Not my proudest moment. Sorry. I even bit my brothers head off, who is visiting and helping me with my girls this week. I am truly a wench!
I also would like to confess that it’s a little embarrassing walking around town with my little brother (who is 19) and my 2 girls because people are looking at us as if 1) he is my “boyfriend  or husband” and I am a friggin cradle robber .Ewww, gross! Or  2) I am his Mother! Which is equally as EWWWW, because it makes me feel not only old but like I was promiscuous in my early teen years, to boot. Which I don’t really care about  now except for how hard I worked to obtain that ‘Good Catholic girl’ image back then. The worst part is either way you slice it..it makes ME feel old!
Next, this list could go on for days this week, I am about to tear my hair out with all this crap I am having to do by myself. It is making me feel overwhelmed and like I can’t accomplish anything I start, like I am a loser! I know I usually bite off more than I can chew (its the nature of the beast) but I muddle through , spread myself as thin as possible, and I get it done. That’s me!It’s how I work. But this week, for some reason, I feel like a bumbling idiot who can’t get anything done. My husband is encouraging me to eliminate some of my extracurriculars with the girls, so I don’t have a meltdown. I get insulted that he thinks I can’t do it all. WTH is going on with me? He may be right, at least this week. I’ve worn myself, metaphorically, paper thin and one wrong pull may be the one that breaks me down.
Thank God for Truthful Tuesdays and wonderful friends.If it weren’t for your emails, phone calls, texts, comments and unconditional love and support…I’d have hit my breakdown threshold a long time ago!

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Parenting

Truthful Tuesday, March 16,2010; sorta!

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

It seems today almost slipped by without recognition; I forgot to vent for the week. I really didn’t have much to be truthful about today, this week is much like last week, or so I thought. That was until I was surfing around the web and came across this little gem. No, I will not link to the actual page for the sheer fact that I refuse to direct traffic in the general direction of ,what I consider, a crock of s*it. That which I am referring to was an article about Mommies complaining, more specifically Mommy bloggers complaining under the guise of enlightening others in on our ‘real’ life day to day happenings. Here I thought we were trying to make it easier on everyone.Apparently, to paraphrase, this author says that Mommy bloggers that operate under the guise of being honest and telling it like it is are actually not telling the general public anything they don’t already know. In fact, we are boring her with our complaining.Basically, you made your bed..now lie in it and take your medicine like a man! Oy vey, apparently, this broad is not a Mommy and has never had to defuse a toddler meltdown bomb in 60 seconds in the middle of mass! If she were, she wouldn’t be such a mean, sarcastic b*tch! Here I am preaching sisterhood and friendship and this woman thinks we should all keep our collective mouth shut and just keep on pretending that its all good ,because we are boring her; maybe even annoying her. You know what’s really annoying? Someone who doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about telling me how I’m suppose to feel, or at the very least, react and deal with my life as a Mother. So, sufficient time has been spent being truthful about my feelings on this subject..now, off I go to take my medicine (code for deal with my lovely children). Oh wait, they are being angels today and have been sleeping for about 4 hours.I know, I will go write another post and perpetuate my bad behavior…after all, it is Truthful Tuesday (well, it was when I stated writing this post)!Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

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Parenting

Random acts of kindness

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

I’ve been mulling over something that I really want to instill in my children…random acts of kindness. I used to be one of those people who saw the bumper stickers and thought to myself, that’s great but..whatever. I mean really, who has times to run around randomly being kind to one another? And if you do, what do you get out of it? Unappreciative ignorance? That was me, a year ago, sarcastic, jaded, unappreciative me. Today, I am a believer in random acts of kindness.I’m more than a believer , I am a proponent:)
In the past year, my life has changed quite a bit. I have had to put my life in the hands of others and quite literally, be dependent on the kindness of strangers because I had no choice. I was new in town, I was friendless, I was completely out of my element, and what felt like a million miles from everything and everyone I knew. It all started with a Mommy, just like any one of you, who did not know me. We were in a MOPS group I joined. We were talking, first day chit chat, and she knew I was new to town. Asking how I was getting along in a new place, if I’d joined any other activities, etc. In passing, I mentioned that I wanted to join the local Stroller Striders but ,unfortunately, had left my stroller in my house ( we were transitioning, corporate housing and all that). This woman, this complete stranger, offered me one of her strollers.  I was floored.What? Was this really happening? Was someone being generous and kind for no obvious reason other than to be a good human being and help a fellow human being out? What? What? What? That evening, that very same evening, she brought me a gently loved Nordic jogging stroller.I was amazed.
Then I met another friend,one of the most amazing women , I have ever met in my life. The kind of woman who at first glance you may think, who is this broad? Seriously, she was so  “sweet” I kept thinking, is she crazy or is she for real. I had never met anyone like her, and am pretty sure I never will again. She met me, she put 100%into the friendship, and was a walking ball of random acts of kindness. One day I was feeling under the weather, and for no other reason than  the fact that she is an amazing human being, she brought over lunch for my kids. Then dinner for my family that night. My kids were sick, she brought them treats and coloring activities. Random brownies would appear. OH, how we miss those brownies:)LOL These may not sound like big gestures but they were constant, timely, and randomly the kindest thing anyone could do..when I needed them most and expected it the least. This was just a very small amount of what she did for us, what she still does for me. Her kindness parlayed into an amazing sisterhood between the two of us. Because of her random acts of kindness, I now have one of the best friends I could have ever asked for. Her random acts of kindness have inspired me to want to be a better person, and that has to mean something.
Then there was yesterday, my daughter’s preschool teacher (which my daughter no longer attends due to our recent relocation) called us and had the entire class sing Happy Birthday to my 5 year old over her cell phone.This random act of kindness may sound like a very small gesture but to my 5 year old, who has just had to leave all of her amazing friends, school, routine and relocate this meant the world. The joy that gesture made, the effect that simple act of kindness that her teacher , another amazing woman by my standards, had on my daughter.That is something that I can never repay because it is priceless.
These are just a few of the random acts of kindness that I have experienced in the past year; there’s been  chocolate for no reason at all, when I’ve needed it most. A hug when I’ve been sad, smiles when I’ve needed a little sunshine,girl talk and martini’s when I needed a breath, shopping and talking..its all about timing. Someone sitting a little longer with me at a gathering because I arrived late, someone giving me tickets to a concert for my kids that I couldn’t have gotten otherwise, there are so many random acts of kindness that I have been the recipient of that there are too many to  mention. But if you know me, chances are you have perpetrated a random act of kindness in my direction. Thanks for making me a better person. Random acts of kindness are so special because they are selfless and sometimes someone’s small random act of kindness can mean the world to someone who really needs that kindness and love in their life at that moment. Kindness can never hurt , it can only help! So be amazing, save a life; BE KIND!

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Confessions

Truthful Tuesday; February 23,2009!

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

OK, Truthful Tuesdays….once again, we are gathered here to expunge our psyche’s of all of this unnecessary bullshit that we’ve been carrying with us in tortured silence and not so silent misery.No judgment, no ramifications, just support and love from those of us who are exactly where you are….the brink of insanity, the end of our rope, a not so high ledge. No matter the circumstances, we are with you. Today, I’d like to confess that I wish my 4 year old, who has just learned to whistle, would stop whistling! It is incessant and relentless!I actually have started to hear it, even when she isn’t doing it. I have developed a raging case of phantom whistling.
I, also, wish that my 2 year old would stop asking me, “Why?” about absolutely everything!!!Argh!!!I do mean everything! Example: “Gabs, please put on your shoes” Gabs:”Why?” Me: “Because we need to go somewhere.” Gabs:”Why?” Me: “Because we have an appointment.” Gabs: “Why?” Me: “Because I said so!” (oh yeah, I have become ‘that’ Mother) Gabs: “Why?” Oye vey, this kids gonna break me!
And I am peeved that, though I know we are fortunate, I hate the idea of my husband being “out of town” for 3/4 of the week for his new job. I can’t tell him or anyone else because I would seem like an unselfish wretch…but I can tell you girls anything! Happy Tuesday!

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Parenting

To have a good friend, you’ve got to be a good friend

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

It seems everything we need to know in life we learn in preschool. My 4 year old has been repeating, “Mommy, to have a good friend, you’ve got to be a good friend!” No doubt a piece of sage advice bestowed upon her by her wonderful preschool teacher.Anyways, Bella tends to like to share these words of wisdom with Mommy. Normally, I say ,”Yes, sweetie. That is right!” But, this time I actually took the advice to heart and examined some of my own relationships.I’ve come to the realization that you get out what you put in and if you don’t then cut them lose. So many of us go through life making acquaintances that we let pass for friends, but there is definitely a difference, as one of my closest friends told me, ” It’s like coming home.” It’s the feeling of being safe and secure to be yourself and be accepted and loved unconditionally. I don’t know about you but that’s what I want out of a friend. I’m not one for superficial friendships, I don’t have the time or energy to play that game at this point in my life.If I call you my friend, I genuinely think of you as my friend, as family. I know that acquaintances have a place and I do have those relationships but I don’t call them my friends. I don’t want to spend inordinate amounts of time with them or subject my family to them. I don’t call them, text them, email them. I’m a Mommy, my time is precious and few, so I decided that I need to put in what I want to get out and if its not there I gotta cut it lose. It’s always disappointing though when you put it all in, only to find out the other person is only half way in. It’s actually very sad and you feel let down. I don’t want to be responsible for doing that to someone, and I don’t want to be that kind of an example for my daughters.
I learned a lot of life lessons from my daughter and her wise preschool teacher, and those wonderful women in my life who are my friends. We have just recently moved home from spending time in a delightfully beautiful part of the country called Chesterfield, Virginia. I am convinced that it must be the closest thing to heaven on earth; it is gorgeous and the people there are amazing human beings. I don’t know how they go there or why, but it works.Its like a vortex for goodness:) I hope I don’t embarrass anyone but this has to be said. I don’t want to spend my life wasting time and not telling people how important they are to me. When we first arrived, I was new and knew absolutely no one. The people I met there, were by far the most wonderful and genuine women I have ever met. They invited me into their lives, their hearts, their families.They were supportive and amazing. They made me feel like I was at home, even though I was hundreds of miles from where my “family” lived. I have never experienced anything like this before in my life. Who knew you could form true friendships and bonds with other women in such a short amount of time, especially as an adult. We left Virginia without a job but much richer people. I left with a heavy heart, and will miss these women and their amazing spirits . We may be geographically apart but they will always be in my heart.They took me in , extended friendship and sisterhood, when they didn’t even know me. It wasn’t for any reason other than to be kind to another human, but they will never know how much that kindness meant to me at that time and will always mean to me. I will miss our talks, long walks, saying hi in the hallways, sharing our childrens firsts in life, our laughter,prayers, the cocktails when we needed to decompress, but most of all I will miss their sisterhood.
I don’t need to mention names, but you all know who you are and you know how you touched my heart. You have taught me that to have a good friend, I need to be a good friend. I just hope I can live my life living up to the standard that you ladies have set. If all Mommies, women , could have that kind of bond that nurtured and supported one another like you did me…the world would be a better place. Thank you, my friends, all of you. I must be doing something right, to have all of you wonderful women as my friends! Just remember, as my 4 year old once told me, “To have a good friend, you’ve got to be a good friend!”

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Women's Issues

Don’t underestimate the power of a good friend!

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

I sometimes forget how important it is to have friends. I get so wrapped up in my own mind, with my day to day activities and errands, children, husband, that I completely become oblivious to the things that I need, as me, the person. There is so little time left for that part of me that I forget what makes her tick, her wants and needs. A long time ago, before husband and kids, when I was just “Me”, I used to have a plethora of friends. I was every ones friend and everyone was my friend. I don’t mean those superficial acquaintances that we let pass for friendship , as we get older, but honest to goodness, tell all your business to friends. Now, they are pretty far and few between and damn near impossible to make a true friendship.First of all because who has the time and energy to get above a dull murmur of attention to first finding and then investing in a real friendship.I mean once you are an adult with all these other responsibilities, who has time to form friendships, real ones? Secondly, now its not just you. You have to like them, the kids have to get along, and almost impossible, the husbands have to like each other and not annoy the hell out of the potential friend. So, we are looking at what , a 1 in a million chance?So, definitely near the impossibility level. So, we must cherish the friends we have who knew us when we were us, before we became who we are:)We also must be open to new friendships, no matter how impossible they may seem. Sometimes friendships find us, when we least expect them. I still have my friends from when I was “Me” but we have either grown up, grown apart, moved apart or moved on.Some of the friendships have grown together and evolved into deeper more meaningful friendships and some have devolved or disappeared completely. But every once in awhile, someone comes along and they feel like a forever friend and those are the ones who usually end up in it for the long haul.I have a friend that I met in college and we have been through holding each others hair in college and going to frat parties, being in each others weddings, pregnancies, children, jobs.A hundred years could pass and we always can pick right back up where we left off. That is true friendship. To find that in adulthood, is amazing. When you find a friend, a real ,honest to goodness friend, who you can talk with, laugh with, and most importantly be yourself and not feel like you are being judged or on an interview;nurture those friendships, put your heart and the time into them.They will grow like a garden if you give them the attention they deserve and you will be happier having done so. As adults, we let a lot of the luxuries of life disappear because we feel like we have to give all of ourselves to our families and careers. But if we don’t keep something for ourselves, really what do we have to give them? So, don’t underestimate the power of a good friend. Sometimes they can be your lifeline back to the real “you”.

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