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dream, dog, loss, back-to-school

Last night’s dream has me perplexed. This morning has thrown me for a loop. I am a bit out of sorts. It’s only  my second day completely alone since the girls started school. This is weird for me. I’m not so sure that I like it. This is it. I will never have my sweet little girls home with me on the weekdays again. Is it wrong that I am actually looking forward to days off?

dream, dog, back-to-school, Saff, loss

Sunday night, I stayed up until 1 am. I blame HBO and insomnia. Anyways, when 6 am on Monday morning rolled around, I was pretty much feeling like death warmed over. Not just tired but sick to my stomach. My body was mutinying saying “BITCH, why don’t you give us more sleep and better food?” I splashed some cold water on my face, brushed my teeth and got everyone ready for school. I came home and cleaned like a crazy woman, trying to avoid looking in any direction because all I kept seeing was where my dog is supposed to be. The tired mind plays tricks on you. Needless to say, I spent most of the morning folding laundry through tear filled eyes; partly because I miss my dog and probably in part because I miss my Gabs being home with me during the day. It’s lonely when you’ve been used to a little side kick for the past 7 years. I’ve not been lonely because I am never alone until now. Yes, I stood around my house crying like a big baby all by myself. So last night, I did what any really tired, completely sane person would do. I went to bed when I put the girls to bed, at 7 pm.

Bad dream #1

Guess what happened? I woke up three times and I had a shitload of weird freaking dreams. The first dream was this; I was with my girls at what looked like a school of some sort. We were there to see some sort of pet show. Obviously, in this dream, Gabi, my 5-year-old, immediately runs toward the animals. This kid loves animals. I see veterinary medicine in her future. Quite honestly, I’m pretty convinced this kid prefers animals to people most days of the week.  The entire time that she ran ahead, I had her in my sight because I am terrified of stranger danger and I’m pretty sure that I would die if something really bad ever happened to the girls. Suddenly, the dogs became roving exhibit and those bitches were being moved to another location. Gabi was not stopping. She ran after them, out of my line of sight. I am running down the longest corridors I’ve ever had the misfortune of running with her sister in tow. We run down the retractable bleachers and at the bottom they were not pulled all the way out. I jump about 6 feet to the ground. I am not stopping. I. MUST. CATCH.GABI. My 7-year-old refuses to jump.

I beg and plead with her. Gabi is disappearing into the venue and I can’t even hear the stampede of children anymore. This is my nightmare. Bella looks at me and shakes her head with that “not gonna happen” smirk that infuriates every mother. We’ve all seen it. And then she turns and runs in the opposite direction. I am simultaneously terrified and pissed off. Who do I follow? Who do I save? What if something bad happens to them? Then. I . Wake. Up in a cold sweat.

Commence Bad dream #2

I lay awake for 2 hours in the middle of night trying to figure out this riddle of a nightmare. Here’s what I came up with; it obviously has something to do with the fact that we just lost the dog and Gabi is having such a bad time of it. It also speaks volumes to the fact that Gabi always runs off without thinking (not listening to me) and Bella has recently started defying me, to test boundaries.

Then I tried to go back to bed and had another nightmare. What? Forget this. I’ll just be tired and stay an insomniac. Sleep is brutal, not for the weak.

When I went back to sleep, I dreamed that I was at a hotel with the Big Guy when we spotted an elderly woman who could not walk and had been stranded in the lobby by her people. She gave us some story about feeling really dizzy and needing to get up to her room. The Big Guy, being the nice guy he is, picks the elderly woman up and carries her up to her room. We were waiting for the valet to bring our car so her told me to wait while he took her up. Then he never came back. I spent what felt like forever searching the hotel for my husband. He had been kidnapped. It was a scam to get him upstairs. Eventually, after much freaking out, questioning hotel patrons and workers alike and crying on my part, we found him locked in a dog cage, which is totally bizarre because the Big Guy is 6’5″ and would never actually fit in one of those cages. Even more bizarre was that when we arrived at the room and found him locked in the dog cage, our deceased dog was walking around the outside of the cage.

So what the fuck does all this mean? I’m serious anybody have any good theories? Obviously, it has something to do with losing the dog and fearing losing the people I love but it was one of the weirdest dreams that I have ever had. I may be off sleep completely after last night’s dream.

dream, dog, loss, back-to-school

What do you think this dream means?

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Yesterday’s Be a Better ME ( YOU) Challenge -Day 1~Out with the old 
was a success. I did not rock the ponytail, nor did I wear my Yoga pants. I traded them in for a pair of shorts, a blouse, flip flops and my hair down. Maybe not quite the standard yet but definitely a step in the right direction away from my yoga pants. This morning I actually blew my hair out ( last night after my shower), threw on some jeans and a cute top, even put on some mascara and lip gloss. Those who know me in real life know that was a big step for me…on a Thursday morning. Of course, I walked out the door looking cute but then it rained on me! Story of my life. No problem, I did walk out the door feeling much better about myself and everyone knows a drowned rat that was fixed up looks cuter than one that started out as a hot mess. How did yesterday’s challenge go for you? Let me know!

Today’s Be a Better Me Challenge is Admit your goals. What I mean is before we were who we are now ( probably Mommies), we had dreams, goals, passions, aspirations..dare I say it , potential. I know I did and I know I was not the only one. Part of the dream for me was to be a Mommy and I am so glad that I got to do that.It has changed me forever but at my core there is still something that I need to do for me. It is as necessary to me as the air I breathe.I need to write. I need to tell a story through the written word. It’s more than putting words to paper for me; its creating art with my words. It’s something all mine. It’s my way of connecting with the universe, a community and leaving a legacy.

Why are we so willing to accept that to have a dream and be a Mommy can not co exist? The two are not exclusive to one another. Why are we so willing to condemn the Mom who goes after her dreams?  Maybe we are jealous, just a little bit that she is out there chasing her dream and we are buried under a pile of diapers, laundry, and dishes.Obviously, our children are our priorities. They are part of us in every manner of speaking. They are one of our greatest contributions to the world but do they have to be the only contribution? Why should we feel guilty and sub par for having dreams of our own? If our dream is to be successful at a career, why is that wrong?I’m here to tell you that it is not. Maybe you’re a dancer? A writer? A singer? An artist? A dressmaker? Whatever your talent is, its yours and it was given to you for a reason. Don’t squander your gifts. Believe me, by relinquishing who you are completely and losing sight of your own dreams and goals, you are for one setting a bad example for your children and secondly, you are making yourself unnecessarily miserable. There is nothing worse than a life squandered wondering what if. Maybe your babies are small or maybe you need to be at home with your children for you, for them, for whatever reason but don’t lose sight of your dreams. Write them down, yell them from the rooftop, share them with your friends, your husband, your children but keep them alive. Make some small effort to achieve them…to be happy. Maybe we can’t work at our dreams/goals 100% because we are raising our miracles but remember; you are a woman, not just a  Mommy, and you deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Today’s challenge; Admit your goals to yourself; to those around you! Only by acknowledging them will you ever make strides to achieve them.

Now link up and tell me what your goals are!Let’s spread the word. We all deserve to pursue our dreams and exhaust our potential! I’m chasing my dream and bringing you along for the ride!

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I just woke up, an hour earlier than usual. I suppose it has something to do with me trying to actually get some sleep these last few nights. Hergo no late night, 2 am blogging sessions. Sorry about the posts shortage but for my sanity’s sake I had to get caught up on some sleep. I was beginning to feel a bit disjointed. Speaking of which, I awoke this morning with the remnants of a bad dream lingering on the horizon. Let me preface this by saying, I’ m pretty sure this has everything to do with  the current living situation (due to an out of town job for my husband), stress of being a part-time single mom, and nothing to do with reality…at least not to my knowledge. In this dream, my girlfriend who is about to burst pregnant comes to visit ( in reality , my husband has never even met this woman). She is at my house complaining about wanting this baby out and her husband always being out of town ( which he, in fact, always is due to work).My husband enters the room, sits down by her and begins to console her. Now, in reality, my husband is the type who is very ‘friendly’ with my girlfriends. I don’t mean flirty, I mean actually friendly. He is a very jovial man ; he likes to laugh and thinks himself to be very funny. So, this is no stretch that he would see one of my friends down and jump right in like one of the girls. But in my dream, he pulls her toward him and leans in and kisses the side of her head. I was watching ,uncomforatble and shocked. What the hell just happened? It seemed innocent enough, but not in the context…being that she’s not his wife. Remember, he doesn’t  know her. After she left,. I asked him, “What was that?” He shrugged his shoulders and said, ” I don’t know…I like her.” What? Half jokingly, I said,”Well, don’t like her too much.” The whole thing had a really weird feel about it. Then, the next day, we’re in the car (my husband and I) and he tells me,” I’ve been thinking about it and I really do like her.” This is not what any woman wants to hear about her friend. He was serious and the implication was I like her more than you. So, I sat there in disbelief and listen to this cornucopia of reasons why he likes this woman he barely knows more than his wife of a decade. It went something like this…She’s blonde (I’m brunette), She’s so small (I’m 5’7″ and slightly overweight), she’s so vulnerable (well, I have to hold it together because he’s always gone and I have to be strong), she’s quiet (I’m opinionated.I have a brain and I like using it.), she’s pregnant (he doesn’t want any more) and the list went on for what seemed like forever. Which I suppose it would if you had to listen to your husband list why he likes another woman more than yourself. It was all like a horrible, cruel joke. Ever see that movie where the teenage girls were hazing the other girls and they would circle and point out every single flaw you  they had, and laugh and mock that flaw.That’s how I woke up feeling. I’ve never felt so vulnerable and raw in my entire life. I’m not sure if this sleep thing is for me, if this is the product of sleep. Sometimes we spend so much of our time as Mommies powering through life that we never take the time to actually dwell on things like we did before we had kids. That is normally a good thing because it saves us from living like lovesick teenagers; worrying about every look, glance, hidden meaning behind every word or gesture, second guessing our relationship. But maybe sometimes we need to remind ourselves that we are not just Moms, who have to be strong for everyone.Sometimes we need to dwell on ourselves and our relationships with our spouses because they fell in love with soft young girls, who doted on their every breath and hung on every word. I know we don’t have time for such niceties with the house falling down around us and kids swinging from the chandeliers,bills to be paid, laundry to be done, but I think this dream was a reminder that I need to make more of an effort to be just ‘Debi’ when he and I are alone. I need to be able to switch back into woman mode, from Mommy mode. Mommy mode is too high strung to stay on 24/7…Mommy mode will burn out our motors and leave us broken. Hey nightmare, thanks for the friendly reminder! Now, please leave me alone…I have things to do and places to be, until Friday when I switch back into Debi. I wonder, when Debi’s around…who’s going to run the joint? I guess Daddy will have to figure it out.I’ll be busy being vulnerable and soft.

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