It’s Tuesday once again. Time for us to unload some of the things weighting us down in life. No judgment, just an ear to bend, a shoulder to cry on, and a helpful hand to help you up when you feel as if you have fallen in the proverbial crap of life. I missed last week, but I need to expunge today!
Let’s start by confessing that I am a miserable sick person. When I am sick, I just want to be left alone in a dark room to sleep it all away. Just let me sleep for a week straight with nothing but liquids pushed under the door to keep me alive. I know I’ve been cranky and grouchy with the girls.Hell,I even called my husband at work 3 states away to unleash my miserableness on him. Not my proudest moment. Sorry. I even bit my brothers head off, who is visiting and helping me with my girls this week. I am truly a wench!
I also would like to confess that it’s a little embarrassing walking around town with my little brother (who is 19) and my 2 girls because people are looking at us as if 1) he is my “boyfriend or husband” and I am a friggin cradle robber .Ewww, gross! Or 2) I am his Mother! Which is equally as EWWWW, because it makes me feel not only old but like I was promiscuous in my early teen years, to boot. Which I don’t really care about now except for how hard I worked to obtain that ‘Good Catholic girl’ image back then. The worst part is either way you slice it..it makes ME feel old!
Next, this list could go on for days this week, I am about to tear my hair out with all this crap I am having to do by myself. It is making me feel overwhelmed and like I can’t accomplish anything I start, like I am a loser! I know I usually bite off more than I can chew (its the nature of the beast) but I muddle through , spread myself as thin as possible, and I get it done. That’s me!It’s how I work. But this week, for some reason, I feel like a bumbling idiot who can’t get anything done. My husband is encouraging me to eliminate some of my extracurriculars with the girls, so I don’t have a meltdown. I get insulted that he thinks I can’t do it all. WTH is going on with me? He may be right, at least this week. I’ve worn myself, metaphorically, paper thin and one wrong pull may be the one that breaks me down.
Thank God for Truthful Tuesdays and wonderful friends.If it weren’t for your emails, phone calls, texts, comments and unconditional love and support…I’d have hit my breakdown threshold a long time ago!
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Truthful Tuesdays, March 30,2010; Mommy Breakdown in Progress
In like a Lion; out like a Lamb
Some days it rains. Other days it pours and in between there is always a little bit of the most amazing sunshine; this statement is very appropriate for a Midwestern spring but it is also applicable to Motherhood. I guess it’s safe to say that Motherhood is like a Midwestern spring; beautiful, wet, unexpected, and wonderful…most of the time and other times…wet, soggy, dingy, dirty, and bleak. Or if it is a really special day, you can experience all of it in a given 24 hour period. I am reminded of this for two reasons simultaneously, today it poured rain while the sun poked through occasionally…just to get my hopes up.Much like my 5 year old who fights me tooth and nail at bedtime every single night, but once every week she goes to bed with no argument, no noise, no screaming. Those nights I cherish, just like those bits of hopeful sunshine peeping through the clouds. Or the continuous string of “no”s that fire from my 2 year old’s mouth, no matter what I ask her. But once every so often I get a surprising “Yes, Mama!” Those are my moments of hope. Hope that I survive these days , when the rain feels like a torrential downpour. That I survive having everything I am sucked right out of me. The moments of unconditional love, the little arms “wringing my neck” ( what we refer to in our household as a really good hug:), someone looking at me completely helpless but looking at me like I have the answers to all the world’s mysteries, a sleeping child cuddled next to me, a giggle from the tub, a “Mama, you are my best friend in the world”..these moments of sunshine make all the rain forgotten. Perhaps that is why when I am having such a time trying to wrangle them to bed and I feel like all hope is lost…and my mind is soon to follow….all it takes is a flash of those adorable little smiles and an “I love you Mama!” and all is right with the world! I’m such a sucker.Like spring in the Midwest, what starts out like a Lion..ends up like a Lamb.
Truthful Tuesday, April 13,2010
Here we go again! I don’t know about you, but I need to expel some baggage. It’s Tuesday and this week is blowing already.
First, I am a bit irrate at the fact that spell check had disappeared from blogger. Look, blogger, I love you but I ‘spell check’ for a living, I don’t want to have to do it in my leisure! Give me back my spell check!
Second, I am not digging the dream part of sleep (refer to previous post). I love sleep, but sleep is not my friend. Normally, she illudes me and flees into the night and I can seldom catch her. When I do catch her, I’d prefer she not be wrought with insanities and riddled with threats. Bad sleep! Me no likey!
Third, still annoyed with the whole “out of town” gig my husband has. Completely happy we can feed our children, pay our bills, and live like normal people (well normal people who don’t see each other 5 days a week). But certainly not loving the fact that I am alone in my chaos, this isn’t what I signed up for. I didn’t get married to be alone, and especially not to raise our kids alone. Not fair!
Fourth, frusturated that there is not enough time in the day, the week, the year…to get done what I need to get done on a daily basis. You try to do something nice, raise a family, make a home, be a good wife,stay healthy, have friends, engage your children, work, use your mind, but apparently…you are only allowed to choose 3 things off the list, there is no time for the rest. Make your choices ladies!
OK, I will stop now. I could go on but I will save some for next week:) Happy Mothering!Oh yeah, one more thing, I HATE when my coffee goes cold while I’m trying to type a posts!ARGH! I’m done now:) I promise.
Bella-isms
We all know my girls say the craziest things, especially me 5 year old. Here are 3 from the last 24 hours.Enjoy!
Me(on the phone with my hubby): “I don’t know, I think maybe I have PMS.”
Bella (my 5 yo)”No, you don’t!”
Me:”What? What are you talking about? How do you know for sure its not PMS?”
I am obviously fishing for what the hell exactly she thinks PMS is.
Bella:” Well, you’re not coughing and sneezing and all that.SO, its not PMS!”
Me: LMAO!!!! Obviously she thinks PMS is code for a cold. I guess that’s what we get for spelling everything in front of her!A little earlier today we were out shopping. Mommy needs some new shorts because last years are too big (Yey!) of course, as stated in the previous example, it was the worst possible week of the month to try on clothes. Anyways, I’ve been in a bit of a funk and thought what the hell I need some retail therapy! As I am trying on shorts, 2 sizes smaller than last summers, I am leery if they are going to fit. Eureka, they fit but it depended on the style as to how they fit. I’m trying them on and a little flustered by my water retention. When I hear Bella say, from the corner of the dressing room, “Good luck with that!”
Me: “Good luck with what?” Bella: “Good luck getting those suckers to button!”
OMG,she’s like my conscience walking around taunting me. I laughed so hard, there was no way I was getting those suckers buttoned. You just can’t suck it in when you’re belly laughing.After the shopping, we hit lunch. My girls love Sonic, I can’t, in good conscience, eat it. It’s so fattening. But what they really love more than the food itself is the act of eating in the car, the taboo of being released from their car seats and eating freely. So, we compromised and I took them to Wendy’s for a cheeseburger and some milk and we ate in the parking lot. Oh, if you only knew how badly I hate that. It’s one of those odd pet peeves of mine. It just conjures images in my mind of someone so insatiably hungry and obese that they can’t wait til they get home to eat. it just screams weakness.( I know, mole hill into a mountain ).They, on the other hand, were as happy as clams. As we sat there eating, them eating their Wendy’s and me my Subway, every thing was perfect. It was a beautiful spring day. We finish and as we are leaving the parking lot, we spy a gentleman in the drive thru on his bicycle. You know Bella, she was not letting this one go unnoticed.
Bella: “Hey MOm!”
Me: “Yes, Bella?”
Bella: “That guy sure looks special!”
I’m not exactly what she was inferring but the intonation in her voice wreaked of sarcasm. I was pretty afraid to ask. But she said exactly what I was thinking! I’ve realized she doesn’t say crazy random things, she pretty much just says every single thought I ever have. She is hilarious. Much more hilarious than if I had said it.
My Bella!
U.G.L.Y, you ain’t gt not alibi..you ugly
How do you know when you are letting yourself go? When your 2 year old tells you that you are ugly. That’s right folks, she told me that I was ugly. Worse than that, she wasn’t even mad at me. She meant it. I must look like shit. Damn ponytail! I’m blaming the ponytail.
Even worse than that, her 5 year old sister was all like “Gabs, say you’re sorry. You don’t mean that. You are going to hurt her feelings.Say you are sorry!”She was totally backpedaling for her little sister. She was trying to force her sister to give me a pity pretty. I won’t lie, I winced and then I cried a little bit. You know a la the pollution American Indian from the 70’s commercials. Oh yeah, I know, it was stupid but hey, I do have feelings.I wasn’t feeling particularly attractive today anyways,what with the bloating , the friggin “ponytail”, and the sweats and sweatshirt. I know its not rational to have a semi breakdown if a 2 year old tells you that you are ugly. I mean it wasn’t like my husband said I was ugly. It was practically a baby, which really made matters worse. I mean isn’t it pretty much unheard of and most certainly against the laws of nature for a child to think their Mommy is ugly? Seriously, I knew kids growing up who would knock you off your bike and kick your ass if you said their Mom was fat. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if you were sostupidbold to call them UGLY! But in my house, my own 2 year old told me I was ugly. When she saw that it upset me ( refer to pollution Indian), she promptly reminded me, “Papi’s ugly too!” gee thanks. Not only am I ugly, apparently, I have bad taste as well!It’s a miracle two such hideous people could make such beautiful model caliber babies. Lucky for them, imagine the alternative?[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_R-FZsysQNw]
I had to do it! Just in case y’all didn’t know which crying Indian I was referring to:)[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]
And AWAY we go!
Seems like just yesterday, in fact I think it was, Gabs was saying “Me this and Me that” and now I hear the “I”s creeping in. Of course, I am proud because she is learning to talk like a big girl and use her correct pronouns. But there is something saddening about my baby turning into a little girl. It’s letting go of one phase and starting another one. Much the same as I had to do a few weeks ago when Bella decided that her lovey “Fi Fi LaRUe” (the most adorable pink poodle ever) that up until then she could not sleep without..ever ( this little guy has been same day shipped when forgotten @ Grandma’s. It was THAT serious!) is not so necessary anymore. Normally, at bed time, there is a mad scramble to find FiFi. It is a major event and Daddy and I know there will be hell to pay if that little poodle ever goes missing. But a few days ago, FiFi was missing at nap time and Bella was all like,”It’s OK Mommy. I can live with out her for one nap.” OMG! And just like that..a dagger in my heart. I could care less about what happens to FiFi. It’s not about losing FiFi, its about this being a representation of losing yet another piece of Bella’s childhood. On to the next phase we go.
Parenthood is a lot like a roller coaster. You know what’s coming…you are excited for the thrill of a lifetime. You get on and as it climbs to the top, it feels like it is dragging on forever and the trepidation is building to almost combustible levels. Then you hit the top and away you go. You are on the ride of your life and it is over in a flash. That first year of my girls’ lives, everything seemed like it was in slow motion. We were wading through blindly waiting for life to happen..first teeth, first step, first word….all kinds of firsts. Then you hit that 1 year mark,the baby’s mobile and away you go. Suddenly, your whole life is on fast forward. All you want to do is hit the brakes but there’s no stopping this coaster once it gains momentum. Here I am, right smack dab in the middle of the ride..holding on for dear life, having the thrill of my life. I just wish I could slow it down a bit and enjoy the scenery a little more. It’s going so fast, I feel like I am missing parts of the ride and afraid its going to be over way too soon.
Quick , someone tap the brakes, Mama wants to take acouplefew49,000 or so snapshots to remember the ride!
Trepidation running amuck
So, tomorrow my Bella starts the big K (DUMDUMDUMDDUMDUUUUUM) Kindergarten! I knew I might be emotional tomorrow, and I still
suspectam positive that I will be. I assumed that it was going to be like last year, Gabs would have the break down which would trickle down unto me causing me in the end..toweepsob uncontrollably in the shelter of my SUV. That’s probably still going to happen. I called in reinforcements. The Big Guy is coming home a day early to hold my hand as I let go of my Bella’s. ( Oh shit, I think I am going to tear up just writing this. What a hot mess I will be tomorrow morning).Everything is ready. Bags are packed, papers signed, snack ready, clothes laid out; commence the letting go ( Oh how I hate the letting go).
But tonight, surprise, I was hit with a little ninja style, around the back of the head when your not looking emotional kick. It sorta reminds me of the morning that I was about to marry the Big Guy. I was fine; excited, in the moment about to marry the BIG GUY / the man of my dreams (Squeal) then it happened. As I was getting dressed, I slyly looked out the window of the rectory and spied my betrothed,there in the church garden, smiling the biggest and happiest smile I had ever seen and taking his photos with the groomsmen. I slowly & silently pulled back from the window and it hit me like a 20 ton pile of bricks, ” You are about to be this mans wife…FOREVER!” It wasn’t just the enormity of the life altering event at hand, it was the realization that I had not a clue what it all had meant until that moment in the window. The weight of my life changing forever, even for the best it could ever be, was in fact still a humongous change. It was the symbol of who I was dying and metamorphosing into who I was becoming. It was HUGE! I was rattled, right there in my bright white wedding gown; completely disarmed by the man I love’s smile.
Tonight, as I was in my routine, getting the girls ready for bed. I was lying in bed snuggled up with my Bella reading her The Night before Kindergarten and before I knew it, another damn 20 ton pile of bricks fell on me. The enormity of my baby starting Kindergarten. This is life changing for all of us but most of all for her. For me, it is the first of many, many, many lettings go ( total SUCK for me) but for her it is the beginning for so many opportunities. It truly is the first day of the rest of her life. I am so excited for her and I want to let her know that it is OK to be frightened but excited because that is what all thegoodgreat things in life feel like. It breaks my heart a tiny bit that she is becoming so independent and growing up so fast but I am so thankful that for a little while I got to be the center of her world. She will always be the center of mine. Happy first day of Kindergarten,Bella! Mommy loves you and is so proud of you!I’ll let you know tomorrow how well I actually held up! Happy Mothering!
The illusive baby book
Before my girls were ever born, in the very early stages of conception , I became obsessed with chronicling every single thing they would ever do. There were the usual; first tooth, first time crawling, first time sleeping through the night, first solid food, first trip to Grandma’s..and so on and so forth. but were those other things that I just new I never wanted to forget too, first tantrum, first time they bit someone, first concert, first time they threw up on me, first time they danced with a Wiggle ( oh yeah, my girl got pulled up on the stage..it was very reminiscent of Courtney Cox and Bruce Springsteen but with hot potato and smashed banana…). There have been a lot of things I have recorded. But somewhere along the way, things went horribly wrong.
The “baby Book” that I so painstakingly searched for and found after countless hours of searching the shelves of multiple bookstores has been forgotten. I mean its here. I know where it is….I think.Somehow it’s been reduced to random pieces of paper, napkins, tissues with dates and occasions on them. To be honest, I am praying I wrote the year and the child because it may just be the action and the date. I was so in the moment that I never thought I’d forget the first day Bella laughed so hard that she blew milk out her nose, or the day 11 month old Gabs (I’m not 100% sure but I’m pretty sure, all the signs tell me) ingested shit. Let’s just say there was poop on her hands, and it looked like poop on her face. That’s all I’m saying. Yeah, I called the doctor..there was nothing they could do but tell me to keep an eye on her, give me a statistic about how 100% of all money has traces of human feces on it (EWWWW! I’m not sure if they were trying to make me feel better or worse), and I’m pretty sure they they made a mark somewhere ( you know some special database accessible to DCFS….1 eff up you’re a dumb ass, 2 eff up’s they’re coming in and taking the kids away!) It was an accident people, if it even happened….which I’m not sure it did!
Anyways, I digress ( as always). My point being, I have become accustomed to writing these little forget me not notes, or stashing tickets to their first movies, or a napkin from their birthday party because itwas
is going in the book at some not yet determined time in the near future . It’s gotten so bad that now, whenever anything happens my 5 year old promptly exclaims ” Hey , Mommy. You’re putting that in the baby book, right?” I’m really not sure if she is being facetious, or serious. Either way, it makes me feel like a rat..lower than a rat..like a flea on a rat.
This weekend, I came to a life altering decision… I am going on a scavenger hunt. I am determined to find each and every single piece of tissue, toilet paper, napkin, scratch pad paper containing rogue information that I can find. When I do, I am going to bring that illusive Baby Book up to date. I plan to gather my randomly placed post it notes of my children’s life thus far and my scattered thoughts on the whole thing and put together the most effing awesome Baby Book to ever walk the face of the earth ( you know what I mean). I’m thinking I may just have to arm myself with wine and water , lock myself in the basement with all the papers and power through and get it done. I wonder if they will ever know the depth and breadth to the sacrifices we make for them? That Silent Ninja Mommy assistant would be priceless right about now. Next on the agenda, the baby quilt I keep promising myself that I am making from their baby clothes. Also,with each passing day, my husbands ‘crazy’ idea that I log everything that happens in our children’s life into a file on the computer..seems to sound a lot better to me .
Why You Should Watch the Haunting of Hill House
I see dead people everywhere. Did you see all the hidden dead people in The Haunting of Hill House? I’m not just talking about the obvious 3 or 4 that everyone saw. If you’re looking for a great horror series to binge watch this Halloween season, Netflix has got you covered with Mike Flanagan’s contemporary horror masterpiece.
Darkness. Dysfunction. Grief and so many ghosts. Some houses aren’t meant to be lived in. With an intro like that, how could I not watch The Haunting of Hill House? I binge watched The Haunting of Hill House in a weekend because one episode in and I was addicted. More than addicted, I was engrossed. It is horror for smart people.
The Haunting of Hill House is a well-written haunting. Flashing back and forth between past and present, a fractured family confronts haunting memories of their old home and the terrifying events that drove them from it in the middle of the night. It is layered and nuanced so completely that it feels almost familiar to you and in a sense that makes it even creepier. It’s relatable. Not because most of us grew up in a haunted mansion, filled with supernatural ghosts lurking in every corner but most of us grew up in a family. Mine, big and connected in all of its dysfunctional glory.
READ ALSO: How to have the Creepiest House on the Block
The relationship dynamic between the Crain family gives a depth and meaning to the story that leaves you invested in a way that most horror stories do not. The flashbacks between the present-day dysfunctional adulthood of the Crain siblings and the memories of an innocent childhood when their parents moved them into a fixer-up mansion for the summer. The fixer-upper that was supposed to be the way to build their dream home turned out to be full of more ghosts than anyone could have dreamed and altered their family irreparably.
I think most of us can see a bit of ourselves in the Crain family scenario. No one grows up and stays the same. I have 6 brothers and sisters and our dysfunctional childhood, though it bonded us like members of the same platoon in war, is also what made us the adults we are today. As we grew up and tried to outrun our own demons, the distance between us grew and while we share a past, our paths have diverged. That’s life.
The Haunting of Hill House uses genuinely disturbing imagery to set the tone. There is something about wide-eyed, innocent children being terrorized by things that appear and disappear and go bump in the night that is unnerving. I got goosebumps several times watching the series. Upon watching it a second time, it got scarier because I saw more lurking malevolent spirits.
To see Crain siblings grow into damaged adults as a result of the things seen and unseen that happened to them in Hill House left me feeling truly sad for the loss and fracture they had suffered. It was as if they all tried to avoid one another to avoid having to remember that horrible thing that happened to them as children.
READ ALSO: Best Horror Movies to Watch with Your Teens
The show is filled with terrifying sights and sounds – a dead mom trying to drag her adult son into an open grave; a flying man with no face; a half-bodied zombie in the basement attacking a small child in the dark. Each attack, around every corner, something more sinister lurks. By the time you’re done watching, you’ll feel like someone is watching you.
It’s obvious from the start that Hill House has effectively placed a supernatural curse on the Crain family and that, try as they might, there’s no outrunning it. Far from making matters predictable, this conjures a dread that, punctuated with the occasional boo from beyond, becomes cumulatively suffocating.
The Haunting of Hill House is very scary at face value. But when it holds a mirror up to real life, that is when it truly grabs hold and refuses to let go. It’s that familiar feeling of déjà vu and knowing that if it could happen to this seemingly normal family, it could happen to anyone…even you. This is why I think you should watch the Haunting of Hill House.
Have you seen it yet? What are your thoughts on the Haunting of Hill House?
Things heard around my house today
After my Throat Punch Thursday; Taking it up the rear edition, I needed a little something to smile about. So, I am sharing with you some random things that can be heard around my house on a daily basis between my 3 and 5 year old. For instance, today I heard:
Gabs (3 year old) “Where’s my PIL- OH- PET!!!” RAWR ( maybe you had to be there, but I swear it was funny and I am 99% certain that she did in fact rawr.)
Bella: “No Shoes on the Bed!” (Yelled, and sounding just like Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest..NO WIRE HANGERS! I was seriously a little bit creeped out. Now, if she would have been sporting that crazy baby Jane smudged red lip stick look she perfected after a round with Mommy’s lip stick.I would have really been scared)
Bella (5 year old) to Gabs “What’s that? Your NEW Nick Name???? You are NOT BATMAN!!!!” Seriously, what the hell did I miss in that conversation?
Bella to Gabs : “Oh yeah? It’ go time PUNK!” I really am going to have to limit the amount of Clint Eastwood I let this kid watch:)
Bella to me (while getting dressed): “Mommy, you guys are BUTT outta luck!”
Me: “What?”( More like WTF did she just say?)
Bella:”Wash my laundry, I am down to like NO MORE panties that I like!”
Is it wrong that I am missing diapers right now! After Gabs panties issues last month and Bella the diva demanding I do her laundry. I am actaully sitting here missing diapers.Then there was this;
Gabs : “Hey Bella! Bella Baloney!”
Bella: “Stop it! Mommy, tell her to stop!”
Me: “Gabs, leave your sister alone. That’s not nice!” ( but it was pretty funny)
Gabs: “OK, me sorry Bella……..(wait for it) ………………Bella Baloney!”(giggling all the way as her sister’s tiny little head explodes with anger).And it was all better!Happy Mothering!
