The TRUTH About Motherhood

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Throat Punch Thursday: Mean Girl Edition
Well, there is an abundance of candidates this week for Throat punch Thursday, as you can see from my previous CNN streaming posts. Apparently, the world is coming to an end with all these maniacs on the loose. I really was a tortured soul trying to decide who was the biggest douche bag this week and deserved the coveted and well deserved throat punch. You know the Lopez family who brutalized that little 5 month old? Well, they were the forerunner. I really thought they had it in the bag. Then ,something more personal came along.You see, in the right hand column of my blog I post the blogs that I personally love. These are not just blogs that follow me or that giveaway the best prizes, no these gals are my support system. They are who I turn to when I need understanding, a good laugh, wit, but mostly sisterhood. Other Mommies who I can relate to and are pretty damn good writers as well. That’s why I feature them in that column under the header “BLOGS I LOVE”. They exemplify sisterhood and what Motherhood is really about… being able to laugh at yourself and enjoying the journey, all the while letting other Mommies know they are not alone in this craziness and that its ok to be human. We all write our blogs for different reasons; for some its just to chronicle their childrens lives, some its a business opportunity a way to feel useful and contribute to the family finances, for some its catharsis, some its for sisterhood, for some its to expand their writing horizons and for others its for all of thee above. No matter the reason, they are sharing their lives. WE share our successes and our stumbles so that others may know that they are not alone and being imperfect is all a part of being a good parent. We offer the most precious thing we have to offer, we give ourselves. It’s humbling and freeing. When the feedback is good, we feel amazing and when it is bad,we take it personally. No grudges, normally, but it still stings the soul just a bit. There are ways to do things without being an asshole. You know what I mean. A backhanded compliment is always better than a “YOU SUCK!” It’s rude, even if you’re not trying to be. My point being the winner of the Throat Punch goes to the reader who commented on a fellow bloggers site and told her “Not to be Rude” ( that’s never good) then the comment went on to state that the blog isn’t up to the standard it used to be and this person is concerned that she is going to lose followers.Wow! When did we get the blog police? Or maybe she is just a concerned citizen making a citizens blog arrest. If the lady really cared maybe she should have asked.”Are you OK? From your blog, I know you’ve been sick and so has your child. Feel better!” But to kick someone when they are so obviously already not feeling well, that’s big time douchery in my book! To make it even worse, the commenter doesn’t even have her own blog. So, she has no idea what it takes to maintain a blog. She probably isn’t even a Mom, explaining why she has no tolerance for a busy Mommy with a sick baby! I know that when we open our lives up to people in our blogs we are inviting them in. It’s like”Hey come on in, have a seat , lets drink some coffee ( or wine) and have a chat!” It’s pretty rude, when they come in and throw the coffee in your face, flip the table and say “What a dirty house! Can’t you get up off your lazy ass and clean once in awhile!” Not to be rude, but I’m just saying! So, this weeks Throat Punch goes to the anonymous reader who left the shitty comment for the sick Mommy blogger( the operative world being Mommy. I mean how much do we have on our plates just raising our little pieces of perfection. Do we really need to be insulted that we are dropping the ball elsewhere?)! Shame on you! Now, come over here so I can punch you in the throat!
2010/05/27
Truthful/Tell All Tuesday; June 15, 2010
OK, Ladies it is Tuesday and time for all of us to expunge all the crapola on our minds..lighten our load by getting rid of all that Mommy guilt! Move back, I am really about to unload and I don’t want any of you to get hit by all the shit that will be flying.
1) I really hate Mommy guilt. It is a useless emotion, it serves no purpose, and it only incurs more guilt. From the comments I received on my last post, I’d say I may have contributed to a few of you feeling some pangs of guilt. So, forgive me and don’t feel guilty about not getting that baby book up to date. Feel great that you are so engaged with your children that you have NO frigging time to sit on your ass and organize a baby book. You girls rock!
2) In the spirit of throwing the Mommy guilt out of the window, I HATE that I don’t take my kids outside nearly as much as I should because its too frigging hot. I know that is no excuse but I do make sure they are engaged and active. They have been working out with me. Plus, we still do fun stuff. For example, today we pitched a hello kitty tent, dressed in our finest dress up dresses, snacked on homemade granola and watched Shirley Temple’s “The Little Princess” ( yeah, I know it is as old as dirt but its wholesome and its based on one of my favorite books in the world..Sara Crewe!) The girls loved it. The only reason I feel any guilt at all about this staying indoors is because a nosy old neighbor came over the other day, introduced herself( yes, I had never met her before), and said ” Why don’t you have your girls outside that often?” As I found myself explaining that I don’t fancy letting a 3 & 5 year old loose in a yard unsupervised and I have things to do inside ( like clean, and work…I actually have a job online), I saw that disapproving look in her eyes and then she said. “Well, if they ever need to get out and play and you are BUSY ( I could so hear the implied too before the busy)….come get me. I can push them on the swing set.” Nice old lady? I think not.As if I am going to leave my girls outside under the supervision of some crazy old lady. Hey, being 100 isn’t a background check. I don’t know you! But she did leave me feeling like a complete shit. Here is an , albeit complete stranger, old lady chomping at the bit to push my kids on the swings and I am “too busy”. I felt like dirt.
3) I love when I get more followers and comments, it feels empowering and I feel like I am secretly moving towards my goal of being a published writer. SHhhhhh,lalallalala..I can’t hear you. I know you are thinking to yourself..it’s just a blog…get a grip! I know, but one has to start somewhere. Ponder this, the entity that is Dooce started with a blog.
4)I love my girls so much and worry on a daily basis that I a fucking them up. You know sort of like how a car starts depreciating the moment it leaves the lot..well, I feel like due to my inexperience, my kids are depreciating every second since they left the womb. Lord give me guidance and help me to keep them safe, healthy, and happy…..and to give them the world! No pressure or anything.
5)With full disclosure, I must add. I have been known to roar, complain,labor, on the fine points of Motherhood. For the last couple of weeks, some new power has come over me. I am not complaining, I’m just a little freaked out by it. I have actually found myself being able to remove myself from the moment, think, and then react. It’s quite amazing. I do, in that respect, feel like a much better Mommy. Remember, just last month I was roaring at the girls. The only thing is now..I’m waiting for my super power to leave and all hell to break loose! No judging, Judgy McJudges. This is a place to get it out and get it off your chest. Not a place to be analyzed. Happy Mothering!
P.S. Did I forget to mention how awful I feel that I have clean laundry folded and stacked up to the ceiling( Not really, but it feels like it)! I swear I’d put it away…if there were any room left !! I feel like I am playing a losing game of musical laundry, every time I have people over I have to find somewhere to ‘hide’ the laundry. I have a play date tomorrow, guess Mommy’s closet will be bursting. Note to self, shut your bedroom door before company arrives.
2010/06/15
Overwhelmed, Under Paid and Exhausted
I know it’s been pretty obvious to some of you this past week that I have been MIA.I’ve not disappeared off the face of the earth but I have metaphorically exhausted. Here is a brief laundry list of the reason for the MIA.
Grandmother is diagnosed with cancer*Grandmother is given 6 months to live*School is coming to an end*Play date* Holiday*Out of town visitors* Tornado warning*I am sick*Contacted for dream job in New York* I live in Midwest* Missed opportunity*Showings on house* Copious amounts of rain*Dog is ill*Dog must be taken into emergency veterinary services*Dog must be administered medication and waited on hand and foot*Children are having meltdowns*Open house* Dog has 105 degree temperature*Lost my funding for conference*Blistering heat*Desperately seeking sponsorship*Formulating a new resume* Embracing a few amazing …(wait for it)writing opportunities*Borrowing from Peter to pay Paul*Laundry*Soothing children’s broken hearts*Stroking the Big Guy’s (ahem) ego*Field day*Perpetual Cleaning*Play date*My “cold” is now confirmed case of Whooping cough* Last day of school*Daughter freaks out of prospect of leaving her friends*Crying in the parking lot*Packing* Cleaning* traveling*No sleep*Need to pick up antibiotic for whooping cough*Waiting to hear back from all the places that I have my foot firmly wedged in the door* Missing the routine of my every day*Spiraling out of control*
This has just been the past week or so.This is why I have been MIA. I miss the comfort of my routine and my community.Things are settling a bit so I will be back on track.Meanwhile, desperately seeking a break in the clouds.
2011/06/08
Mommy OCD
You know that moment when you drop your little one off at school and you don’t watch them all the way into the building and then you question whether or not they got safely into the building the entire drive home? It happens almost instantly as soon as you drop them off. Yeah that happened to me today, again and I was wondering, what do you do when that happens?
There is a lot of crazy shit we moms do. I used to be carefree and a bit of a thrill seeker but then I had kids and I changed. They changed me. Not only was a perpetual worry wart about them, I began to obsess about my own actions because now every single thing I did had a ripple effect on them and I want every thing to be perfect for them. (more…)
2013/02/11
Love Letter to My Tween
Every year, I write a love letter to my daughter on their birthday because one day, I hope that she’ll read them and get to know me in a different way. The whole purpose of this blog was to write down not only their milestones but my journey through motherhood. One day when she’s a mother, I hope she might like to read them to get to know us both from a different perspective.
Bella,
I loved you from the moment you were a blip on the ultrasound screen. Actually, I loved you before that. I loved you when you were a + sign on a pregnancy stick. I loved you before I even knew how much I could love you.
My heart filled with with so much love and happiness that I was actually dumbstruck for a moment. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. That I was going to get to be your mom. I was terrified, I think that’s normal. I was terrified that I was going to let you down.
Then, I watched you being born and held you in my arms and I knew. I knew that I would spend my whole life committed to loving you unconditionally and being the best mom I could be to you. I realize that is defined differently by everybody but for me, it simply meant raising you to know that you were wanted and loved and to be the best kind of human you could be. I wanted you to be happy.

The moment you were born and they lay you on my chest, all warm and gooey, my heart exploded. I was overcome with so much love and happiness that I was simultaneously laughing and crying. I want you to feel that same overwhelming love for your entire life and I promised myself that you would.
Now, you are 12-years-old and we are entering that part of adolescence where you are beginning to feel a little unsure of your place in the world; caught someplace between a child and a teen. Your body is changing and the hormones are making you feel unsure of a lot of things but I hope the one thing that you never doubt is my love for you, it is as strong and as fierce as the day you were born. It never wanes.
I can’t believe that I’ve been a mother for a dozen years. It seems like just yesterday that I was holding you in my arms and staring at you in awe. I couldn’t believe that we made you; our miracle. Now, you are almost as tall as I am. Soon, you will be taller than I am but to me, you will always be that tiny, newborn on my chest. That moment forever imprinted on my soul.
I wanted to tell you 12 things about you this year so one day, you can look back and know these things.
1.6th grade is a crazy transition year and, with the exception of Nutcracker season, you have handled it all with grace, dignity and just a little bit of crying, which is to be expected. I am proud of you. All those A’s, Harvard here we come.

2. Dancing and Singing. You always dance and sing like no one’s watching. You love the theater and everything about it. You joined the Youth Company at ballet. Your dad wanted dedication and I’d say committing to something 5-days a week plus rehearsals and performances has shown us a level of dedication that humbles us. You go girl. I still can’t believe that you’ve been dancing for 10 years. I still remember buying you your first ballet slippers.

3.Your smile. They say the eyes are the gateway to the soul but I can look at your mouth and know everything about you. I know your real laugh, when you think nobody is watching and you are 100% pure happy. I know your smiles; the fake one that tells me to take the picture already, your big one that goes all the way up to your eyes when you are excited like when traveling or chocolate are involved, your pursed lip smile when you want to throw your little sister or anyone for that matter out of the window for doing/saying something stupid and, my favorite, the quivering, tiny smile you get whenever you try to lie to me. You’ve had this tell since you were a toddler and I hate to break it to you, you always will. I can read your face like a book; my favorite book in the world.
4.Friendship. The way you’ve begun to handle your friendships and controversy. Can I just say that I am so proud of the way you rise above gossip? I love that you have your expectations and you stick to them. You are direct and you don’t let toxic people take up space in your life. I hope that never changes. By the same token, I love the way you love your friends like family. You are a good friend. You once told me when you were 4, that to have a good friend you need to be a good friend and I think you are succeeding at both.
5.Disney, I love the way you still love all the things Disney now just as much as you did when you were a preschooler. Every trip to Disney World with you and your sister is a memory that I’ll cherish forever. And, yes, I will have a Disney princess marathons snuggled up on the sofa together with you any day of the week for as long as you ask. Beauty and the Beast on Thursday!
6.Changes, wow, I know you have gone through a lot of not only mental but physical changes this year. It’s rough being this age because everything seems to be changing at warp speed but we’ve been open and honest and I always will be. I’ve got you. As I always say, everything is a teachable moment and you can talk to me about everything no judgement. Hey and the sex talk ambush on the way to school the day before your birthday wasn’t that bad, was it?
7. Standing up for what’s right. This year, I watched you (and your little sister) become activists. You are no longer bystanders in the world, you have opinions and beliefs and you are willing to vocalize them. You are willing to stand up for what’s right, even when it’s not popular. Thanks for standing in line at the polls with me this year. Never forget, women can do anything.
8. Little kids. You are always super sweet to your little cousins. You have always been a nurturing soul. You are very patient and you look at life with a childlike wonder that allows you to relate to children and animals with a tender and kind heart.
9.Wanderlust. I’ve seen the fire ignite within you. My love of travel and yearning to embrace new cultures and people has rubbed off on you. I love the way you thirst for new experiences and new places. You even volunteered to forgo Christmas for travel. That’s my girl.
10. Self-confidence. You exude self-confidence and nothing could make me happier. I love the way you love your body. You still run around the house in your skivvies. There is no shame or second guessing, there is only loving the skin you are in. I pray that never ends. You live life in a big way. You are bold, you are fierce and you are beautiful in every way. You are kind, giving, smart and funny. You love to laugh but never at another’s expense (well, unless it’s me and the way I say cabinet.)
11. Just like Mommy. Maybe you wouldn’t want this to get out but really, I don’t think you care. I love that you ask me what I’m wearing before we go out and you try to coordinate. At an age when I was expecting to be the person you most wanted to not be like, you seemed to have clung to me for whatever reason. I don’t know why and I don’t question it because, silently, I love it. It makes me feel like you like me (the person) not because you have to but because you choose to. That means everything to me. Thank you for not shutting me out.
12. The unencumbered way that you go through life. Ever since you were a wee little one you have always done what you have wanted. You don’t see limitations. You see challenges and you just go for it because there’s never been a doubt that you can accomplish anything you put your heart to. Never forget that.
These are 12 things about you that I love. There are so many more; too many to list. Happiest of birthdays to my Bellabini! You made me a mommy and I will love you forever.
XOXO
Mommy
2017/03/10
3 Internet-Based Hobbies You Should Try in 2024
Seems like everything we do is online now, right? I’ve been living, playing, learning and working online full-time since about 2009. It’s where I’ve met some of my closest friends and encountered some of my best opportunities. I still love doing things IRL because I was here when that was the only way things were done. It’s the beginning of a brand new year and there are plenty of reasons to try something new, whether it be just to expand your horizons or try something you never even considered before and its easier than ever with the internet-based and computer-based hobbies. Let’s face it, the internet is a wealth of information and it’s always right there at your fingertips.
Maybe you’re feeling stuck in a rut, or just might be plain old, run of the mill bored. God knows after these last couple weeks of not knowing which day it was, I am definitely bored. But, I definitely don’t have to be. By turning to a hobby, you can reinvent who you were into who you want to be. For example, I’ve decided 2024 is the year that I get back to playing the guitar, practicing some languages that I’ve become rusty at (Oh yes, I’ve got a hot date with Babbel) and learning to knit. Thanks to the internet, I can do it all from the comfort of home at my own pace and I am ecstatic.
There are billions of hobbies available to pick up online but that doesn’t mean you’ll be interested in all of them. It’s definitely worth narrowing them down with something you’re already interested in, like computers or the internet. There are more than a few of those hobbies you could try.
These could be more interesting than you’d think, and these three could keep you occupied for hours. I know because I make my living doing one of them and I just graduated with an M.S. in Digital Marketing from a university on the East Coast thanks to the internet. Long live tech, computers and A.I ( as a search engine of course, the way it was intended).
Computer-Based Hobbies: 3 Great Picks To Try
1. Learning
You can learn quite a few things from your computer. Actually, you can learn almost everything and not all of it has to be useless facts or random cat videos. Instead, you can use it to learn about something you actually like and care about ( new languages, how to DIY or even earn your university degrees) . There are even classes related to developing and improving careers ( I’m looking at you HubSpot Academy, Learn Digital with Google and SEMRush ).
To say you’ll have plenty of them to choose from would be an understatement. There are even free courses available online from Harvard! I should know, I’m enrolled in 2. Whether you’re doing it for your career or simply for the love of learning, with the internet, there’s nothing holding you back. Many of these courses can even result in you getting certifications, which can be great if you’re career-hunting.
2. Online Gaming
One of the first computer-based hobbies that could come to mind is online gaming. You probably thought of this already, but you might believe it involves massive and complicated games. It doesn’t have to. Online games range from the simple – like winter poker – to the massive – like World of Warcraft.
No matter what your interests are, you’ll be sure to find more than a few online games you’ll like. It can be worth looking into more than a few of them, and it could end up being more enjoyable than you’d think.
3. Blogging
Well, we all know this is my favorite, as I’ve built my own website and brand over the last nearly 15 years. For me, blogging is everything; it’s where I niched out a career as a SAHM, built a community and logged many hours of motherhood. If you love writing, then blogging can be one of the most appealing computer-based hobbies you can try. All you’ll really need are some basic tech skills to start things off, and the passion to keep blogging about something.
You’ll have plenty of options to choose from when you’re blogging. My suggestion is to blog about something that you love and/ or are passionate and knowledgeable about. If you really want to succeed, answer the burning questions potential readers have about the topic you want to write about. They say if you do something you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. As a professional blogger, I’d like to debunk that myth because blogging is a lot of work but you’ll really enjoy it. Loving the topic that you’re writing about will give you the motivation to keep writing about it. With a little bit of time and effort, you could even see your community of readers grow over time. That’s your village and they are 1000% worth all the effort.
There are more than a few computer-based hobbies you can pick from. The internet is the perfect place for enriching your life without having to go out into public and people because let’s be real, sometimes peopling is overrated. You’ll end up keeping yourself occupied for hours, while becoming the optimized You 2.0. Why stop at just one? Try a few of them if you want to find something you’ll really love. It’ll keep you more entertained and maybe even make you the most interesting person in the room when you do venture out into public. Best of all, you’ll have a cure for boredom at your disposable 24/7.
What’s your favorite online, internet or computer based activity?
2024/01/06
The Secret Life of Pets 2 a Family-Friendly Movie Review
Do you ever wonder what your pets really do when you leave the house? I do because I have a sneaking suspicion that our Lola is getting into all sorts of mischief. In fact, I got a Petcube camera just to find out for myself. Surprisingly, at least in front of the Petcube cam, she’s as sweet and lovable as she is when we’re home with her.
Disclosure: My family was provided tickets to see The Secret Life of Pets but all opinions are our own.
Not the case with the gang of Secret Life of Pets 2. The Secret Life of Pets 2 follows 2016’s summer blockbuster hit about the lives our pets lead after we leave for work each day. This time it’s a little different.
The Secret Life of Pets continues the story of Max the terrier (Patton Oswalt) must cope with some major life changes when his owner gets married and has a baby. Max’s anxiety suddenly kicks in when he becomes preoccupied with keeping his owner’s toddler safe. He is the ultimate helicopter dog.
READ ALSO: Everything You Need to Know About Star Wars Galaxy’s Edge
When the family takes a trip to the countryside, anxiety-ridden Max has run-ins with dog-hating cows, aggressive foxes and a scary turkey. Luckily for Max, he soon meets Rooster (Harrison Ford), a gruff farm dog who tries to cure the lovable pooch of his neuroses. Rooster is more of a let-them-get-hurt-and-learn kind of canine.
A subplot has Snowball (Kevin Hart) and a new dog Daisy (Tiffany Haddish) working together to rescue an abused tiger from a Russian circus. Hot on their tails are scary wolves and a “cartoonishly villainous” lion tamer.
The dark humor and danger are toned down with more of slapstick violence that’s meant to be funny. Think Wylie Coyote and the Road Runner. Animals punch and throw knives at one another and a bad guy gets hit by a car, but no one is ever fatally injured.
READ ALSO: Why I Loved Disney’s Live Action Aladdin
For me, I saw a lot of myself in Max. I used to be a carefree, thrill seeker before I had children. The moment I had my girls and became a mom, it was no longer just my life. I was living for others. At the moment they were born, my life was irrevocably changed for the better, if not for the milder.
It was so overwhelming to love something, someone, so much that it felt like the thought of any ill ever befalling them would absolutely kill me. Our children are an extension of ourselves. They are the best of us walking around vulnerable in the world. Our children are our kryptonite but such amazing, beautiful gifts of kryptonite they are.
I went from being a “do what feels good” person to a “make good choices” person because it’s not just about me anymore. In the beginning of motherhood, I was a nervous wreck. I have never been able to be one of those parents who can go with the flow and just let things happen as they play out. I was never a “rub some dirt on it” type. I can’t overcome my instinct to protect them and to be honest, I’m okay with that.
READ ALSO: Cirque du Soleil Volta
My name is Debi and I am a recovering helicopter mom. I’m not saying that with any negativity. It was what worked for us. Maybe sometimes I was a bit neurotic in my overprotection but, in the end, as they grew older, I learned to let go little by little. I learned to trust in my own parenting.
I’ll probably never be a Rooster “let-them-get-hurt-and-learn” kind of a mom even though I know plenty of moms who are and it works too. It’s just not what’s comfortable for me. Honestly, my parenting technique was mostly about keeping my girls safe but a lot about preserving my own peace of mind.
Max gets the struggle of every parent everywhere and I loved watching him navigate his way through to the other side. I felt seen. The struggle of living with such immense love for a tiny little person is real.
Secret Life of Pets 2 is a winner for our family.
For kids, the moral of the story is to face and embrace the changes life inevitably throws at you and that’s such an important thing for our children to know. They have to know that change isn’t always bad and really, change is just an opportunity for growth.
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Overall, my family loved the movie. My girls are 12 and 14-years-old and they laughed through the entire movie. In fact, the Big Guy said it’s one of the best animated movies he’s seen in a while and that’s saying something coming from him. I found it to be endearing and I absolutely loved Max.
Secret Life of Pets 2 is playing in theaters now, will you be seeing it?

2019/06/10
Every Time I Sneeze I Pee My Pants
Today was the anniversary of the day I fell and dislocated my elbow last year. I know that because my amazon photos wanted to taunt me today. It also happens to be the 21^st anniversary of the night the Big Guy asked me to marry him. Weird, right?
All day today I was dreading going outside for fear that I might slip on the ice (because the kids had no school today because of icy roads). I stayed inside with the kids most of the day, just waiting for the clock to run out on this day. Then, I went outside because I had to run an errand and ironically enough, not only was there ice everywhere but there I was wearing UGGS again. UGGS the exact kind of shoe I was wearing when I bit it in the wet yard last year. God, I can actually feel the crunch of my elbow dislocating if I close my eyes. But I’m fine. No slips and falls today.
ALSO READ: Beware the Slick Spots
Tonight we were planning our Disney vacation for this fall because we are those people who like to return to the scene of the crime. Since our first trip to WDW was on our honeymoon, we have to go back this year. Right in the midst of the joy of surviving the day and celebrating our engagement anniversary, I sneezed and peed my pants. My kids, keeping me humble since 2005.
This day just reminded me that life can be simultaneously amazing and shitty in the same 24 hours. It’s all in our perspective, although, I’m pretty sure falling and dislocating your elbow constitutes a bad day any way you slice it. However, I’m just thankful that my elbow kept me from hitting my head on the cement. And who cares if I pee my pants when I sneeze sometimes, that’s what panty liners are for. Also, would I ever trade my kids with their big heads for a non– stress incontinent existence? NO, I wouldn’t.
ALSO READ: Everything New at Walt Disney World
I guess all this to say, I’m going to Disney World! But mostly to say, we don’t always know what life is going to throw at us, or on top of us or beneath us but we know that even if it hits us square in the face sometimes, we’re going to be fine. It’s going to hurt for a while and maybe there will be permanent damage but we will figure it out.
That’s what I’m doing, I’m figuring it out; motherhood, being a wife, being a good friend, living on my own terms, surviving the shittiest of days and embracing the little profound moments of complete bliss. I have no clue how I’m going to make it all work. I never have but I do it. I do it because that’s life. Failure really isn’t an option.
So the next time you’re laughing and you start to pee a little, look around, is there any place else that you’d rather be? Probably not. Not really. Not when it’s all said and done and the kids are asleep and your husband is beside you watching your favorite show. Laugh on, laugh hard, laugh loud and then change those panties and live to laugh another day.

2019/01/23
Baby Of Mine
Kindergarten has been a big step for our Bella and it doesn’t seem that the firsts show any sign of slowing down anytime soon. I have mixed emotions about all of this. For the most part of it, I am very excited for my Bella. Unfortunately, the fact that I left the girls overnight for the first time ever coupled with the fact that she has had about 4 firsts in the past week, add to that me trying to upload photos and stumbling into a folder with photos of my Bella when she was newborn to about 2 years old and on top of that add the Bette Midler song Baby Mine and I am sitting here, alone in the middle of the night, feeling a bit emotional. As always, I share these moments with you, my friends.
Last Tuesday, while we were at ballet class with Gabs, Bella and I were sitting in the car waiting for Gabs to be done. Bella was in the passenger seat spelling out words ( She is getting to be such a big girl) and I am reading. I hear the click clack of her Barbie laptop stop, I glance over and there she is..tying her shoe..all.by.herself! It really felt a lot like those first steps she took when she was about 10 months old. I was so proud. She’s only been shown once. She amazes me. Where did that helpless little baby go? How can I be so happy and so sad simultaneously? Mostly, I was proud. Just ask any of my friends and family…I took a picture of it and mass texted it to them all.
First Shoe Tie 9/21/10
Then on Wednesday, we had our first rehearsal for the Nutcracker. I can’t believe that 3 years have already passed since she first started ballet. She was such a tiny thing when she first began and now she is a snowflake. She looked like such a big girl ballerina in her leotard, tights, and performance bun. I do realize its the same thing she wears to class every single week for class. But something is different, my Bella is different. She is growing up every hour of every single day.Letting go, even a little, hurts a lot but thank God it is dulled by the happiness that she shows on her face when she accomplishes something that she has set her mind to. It amazes me what a strong characterful little person she is at such a young age.
First Nutcracker Rehearsal for the Snowflakes 9/22/10. This is the photo that broke the Big Guys heart because he had to miss this moment.
Then on Thursday, she came home with 2 declarations. The first one was “Mommy, I was chosen as one of the stars of the day.” Me: “Great,baby!I’m so proud of you!” Bella: ( a little bashful) “Umm, Mommy, the star of the day gets a piece of bubblegum.” And with that she pulls a little baggy from behind her back, with one little red gumball in it. She is smiling so big that I can hardly stand it. Me;”Bella, you know you are too young for gum.” Who the hell gives gum to kindergartners? This is the same teacher who is so strict about no unhealthy snacks.Yeah, OK. I am watching as Bella’s face is losing its smile. Bella: “But Mommy, the other stars got one too!” How could I deny her her reward that she was so obviously proud to have been chosen to receive. I told her that we would split it, and she could chew it for 5 minutes in my eyesight, but from now on she would have to put them in a Ziploc, put them in the freezer and save them until she’s 8! I know, very random solution but it satisfied her for the moment. I’m not a fan of gum for kids…bad for teeth, choking hazard, etc.
The next declaration was a little more substantial, thank goodness we had spat our gum out or I may have swallowed mine. Bella, puts her hand on her hip, has a very nervous look on her face and says,”Mommy,I’ve got to tell you something” Me: “Yes, Bella, what do you need to tell me?” Bella: “Mommy, I like Bill* (*names have been changed to protect the innocent) and Bill likes me!” She’s blushing, so I am pretty sure I know what that means. But I don’t want to embarrass her. I want her to be able to tell me anything.But, I had to know,”Bella, do you mean like a boyfriend?” Bella: (blushing and giggling and averting eye contact) “No, Mommy..like he’s my best friend!” I heard what she said, but I also saw what her face said, that little face that I have read every single day for the past 5 and a half years..her little heart is happy. She has her first crush.
Today, as I was waiting for Bella to come out of class ( she is one of only 4 half day kindergartners) and so is Bill*. Bill’s mother sits down next to me and says, “I was told to be here early , I have been given strict orders to find out from you when the Nutcracker performances are because Bill* said he has to go see Bella in the Nutcracker.” We both giggled, because its obviously the sweetest thing either of us have ever heard…ever. But, oh my God, I won’t lie it choked me up just a bit. As we’re pulling out, Bella and Gabs are gleefully screaming “Bye, Bill!” And the cutest little boy ever waves them both on. In the car ride home, Bella informs me that I must talk to his mother about setting up a play date with Bill*. She continues on and tells me that the two of them were talking about it. She told him he could come over and play dress up with her. She told him he could be a fairy. He said,”Nah, I have a cape with jewels on it. I can be the prince and you can be my princess!” Priceless. do you hear that “Awwwww” in your head too? Or is it just me? It also makes me wonder, am I scheduling a play date or just a date?
This, of course, catapults me about 20 years into the future and I can already feel myself losing that helpless little baby I met on the day she was born to the man of her dreams on her wedding day. I am now more convinced than ever that parenthood is misery peppered with moments of profound bliss. God has given us these little people that steal our hearts, our minds, and our bodies and then in the end they leave us alone to miss them. Now, I understand why grandchildren are so important..its a way for parents to have a little part of their children back. Its probably also why grand kids can get away with so much. Parents have already felt the loss of their children growing up and leaving and have a new barometer of what is acceptable behavior and what is not. To be able to hold your children in that moment when they are little perpetually would be worth almost any price to have again, once they are grown. For now, I am going to cherish every single first, smile, giggle, even the tantrums and heartbreak because this time passes too quickly. Baby of Mine!
2010/09/28
Eventually, All Dogs Go To Heaven & All Kids Go to Kindergarten
The first day of kindergarten and a sick dog. This week is emotionally chaotic. Too much change at once. This week is supposed to be hard. It’s the first week of school for my girls. Gabs is starting kindergarten, so obviously I am all verklempt. I am trying to hold my shit together because there is nothing worse than a 5 year old seeing her Mommy act like she’s sending her baby off to war. Oh, but my mommy heart. It hurts.
Meet the Kindergarten Teacher Day
I’m trying to be proactive and make it easier. Yesterday, I took her to school to meet the teacher and showed her around the room and the school. We investigated every nook and cranny of that Kindergarten class. She was a bit overwhelmed but I kept telling her how awesome it was going to be and her big sister was there to reassure her. I just kept swallowing the lump in my throat. Pushing it down, down, down; where it will stay until I am safely outside the building on the first day of school this Thursday. THEN, I will collapse in a heaving, hyperventilating pool of snot and tears.Yes, my heart is going to break. I know this. I’ve been here before with my first but this is different, this is my last baby.
My sweet little shy girl who embarrasses easily and who wears her heart on her sleeve. But like her sister before her, she will suck it up and make that funny little smile that tells me that she is feeling unsure and a little bit scared inside but she won’t let anyone else know, just her and I, it’s our secret. I’ll want to make it all better but the only way to make it better is to let her experience it and know that it is okay. This is one thing the girls have definitely inherited from me, they need to feel their feelings and survive them to know they can. We are “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger girls” and we are firmly set in our beliefs that, “Failure is not an option” even when it may seem like the only choice there is. We keep on trying. Both my girls are like that; stoic to the bitter end, almost to a fault. I wish she could just cry and get it all out but she’s too much like me. We do cry but first we push stuff down, way down and we carry on no matter how much it eats at us on the inside and necrotizes that spot we push it down to.
But the crap just keeps piling on. The same week that my baby starts kindergarten and my Bella has moved up to 2^nd grade, my oldest and furriest girl (our 13 year old boxer, Saffaron) is sick. She’s old and we know that every day is a gift with this girl. Saffaron was the first baby the Big Guy and I had together. We brought her home in September, 4 months after we were married and she has been by our side since. I love this dog like only a Mommy can. My girls adore her. I’ve been trying to explain that sometimes people and animals get REALLY old (I’m trying to convince them that me being 39 is NOT really old) or sick and they go to sleep and then they go to be with God and wait for us. This is what I told them about their baby and now I am telling them this about their dog.
This is how the dog marked meet the kindergarten teacher day
Today, the dog was really not feeling well. She was lying around not moving (she was breathing, I checked) but she just seemed done. Yes, I’ve seen this look before and we had a conversation last year. She owes me 5 more years, because my heart is not ready to say good-bye again so soon. I just had to say good-bye in May and I think there should be at least a year in between good-byes to people and things you love. Last year, she almost died from an acute case of pancreatitis. My grandmother died from pancreatic cancer about a month before my dog was afflicted. No, I am not saying that my Grandma gave my dog pancreatitis but my year in between good-byes rule came to mind this morning.
I grabbed my girls; sleepy (because she’s trying to adjust to the school sleep schedule), nervous (because she has been sporting her nervous “Help me mom” smile since she realized that this was the week she started BIG school) and Grandma Moses (because my once spry puppy is now an elderly 91) and off to the veterinarian hospital we went. As I looked in the rearview, I saw both of my daughters sporting the “Oh Jesus, please don’t today be the day our dog dies!” TO my right, the dog is giving me the,”Please don’t hit any bumps. Dear Jesus, take me quick!” Me, I am torn. On one selfish hand, I don’t ever want that beautiful bitch to die. I just love her too damn much and our family will be incomplete without her walking around looking at us all like we are all a bunch of assholes before giving us lots of love out of pity for our stupidity. She thinks we are big dumb animals; it’s obvious to us. But on the other hand, I don’t want her living in pain. Her body is not what it used to be. Her arthritis is awful in the mornings, she’s got glaucoma, and benign tumors pop up all over her body at random times for no apparent reason. She’s tired and I’m pretty sure that soon she will be ready to go and we will have to let her go.
The letting go sucks. I just hope it’s not this week. This week, I have that beautiful and sweet bitch pumped full of antibiotics and pain pills. We are all giving her a little more love and attention than usual. I’m hoping she will grace us with her big heart and floppy ears for at least another year. This week I have to start the letting go of my 5 year old and I just don’t think that my Mommy heart can handle losing my furry daughter. I don’t think any of us can, least of all the 5 year old. Please don’t turn the first week of kindergarten at my house into a country song.
How did you mark the first day of kindergarten?
Kindergarten has got nothing on this dog
2012/08/14