The TRUTH About Motherhood

Category: Women’s Issues

Why the Peace on Earth Holiday Photo Doesn’t Infuriate Me
When you think of peace on earth does your mind immediately go to women should be seen and not heard? Do you think the above photo can be construed as funny? I don’t. I find it offensive that a family would request this sort of photo that makes light of such a serious topic as sexism and condones domestic violence. How can a photo of your wife and daughters bound and gagged ( even with Christmas lights) with your toddler son giving a thumbs up be found anything but disgusting? But I’m not mad so much as I am saddened that anyone would think this is okay.
I can take a joke just as much as the next person. Hell, I’ve written some pretty off the cuff pieces, dare I say maybe even bordering on offensive, humor pieces about lady bits and I’m no stranger to controversy but as someone who has experienced abuse and spent my childhood being told that I should be seen and not heard, sometimes even threatened by physical injury and other times being on the receiving end of a good slap for speaking up, I don’t find this funny.at.all. In fact, I find that it makes a mockery of domestic violence and women’s rights in general.
I’m not sure why this picture was taken or whose idea it was. The mom’s? The dad’s? Either way, why did the other one go along with it? What kind of message is it sending to their daughters? What kind of message is it sending to their son? What kind of message is it sending to the people they know that they might send these cards to?
There is nothing funny about this photo. I know people push the envelope to get these awkward, funny to some, creepy to others holiday photos. I get that but this photo offends me on every level. This photo clearly sends the message that women should be forced into submission and seen but never heard. It objectifies women and dehumanizes us.
I’ve spent my life speaking up when I was told to shut up. It wasn’t easy and it was even dangerous. It took bravery to break that cycle. Do you know what it feels like to be afraid of your own voice? Do you know what it feels like to be punished for voicing your thoughts? It is a misogynistic way of breaking one’s spirit by humiliating them at their very core. The message is clear, to be seen and not heard means that you are invisible and your thoughts, your existence, do not matter. You do not matter and your very existence is only allowed by someone else’s permission.
Peace on Earth is not achieved by silencing women.
I can’t even be irate by this photo because I am too busy being so saddened that this is the message these parents want to instill in their children. This one photo, that speaks volumes, is telling their children that women should be silent or suffer the consequences and that men only get peace through violence against women. This photo is telling their children that women don’t matter.
I’m sure these parents thought this would be a funny gag but maybe, as parents, they should consider the ramifications and lasting impressions they are making on their children. This one small moment has ripples and if they took this picture, as anyone who has ever told a joke knows, there is always some truth to the joke so if they thought it was funny, somewhere inside they believe that this is how peace on earth is achieved.
Women bound with Christmas lights with duct tape over their mouths, with a young boy giving a thumbs up and a grown man holding a sign that says “Peace on Earth” is not my idea of funny. It’s sexist and wrong. Simply put this photo condones the subjugation of women, in fact, it celebrates it. I want a better world for my daughters and I hope the family in this photo, want more for theirs.
Dear Peace on Earth Family,
I hope this was a failed attempt at being funny and there is nothing more nefarious or, indeed, true about the logic behind this photo. As a mother, a woman and someone who has been told that she was to be seen and not heard at threat of violence for her entire childhood, I implore you to please consider the message you are sending your children, all of them.
Readers, what do you think of this photo of “peace on earth”?
2015/12/16
School Uniforms Destroy Girls’ Body Image
Have you ever thought about how our daughters’ self-esteem and body image could be affected by the school uniforms or dress code policy? Sounds crazy, right? I mean isn’t that the entire purpose of school uniforms in the first place, to level the playing field; to equalize all children and neutralize all social hierarchy? Isn’t a dress code to keep kids comfortable and tidy.
I have daughters, who have to wear school uniforms. There is no option. I thought this was a great idea when we started school but now, I think it’s stifling and worse, I think it’s causing some damage to my tween’s self-esteem and worse, her body image. It’s bad enough that they are not allowed to even look like girls; no ruffles, no frills or even pale pink polish because it might be “distracting” to boys but now we are even making the clothes to fit like a boy. Someone once told me that I should cut my daughters’ hair because they “read somewhere” that long hair is conducive to rape. I said, no why don’t women teach their sons not to be rapists and to respect women and their bodies. Why should my daughter have to look like a boy so your son doesn’t get any ideas? Why do the girls have to be punished?
But how are school uniforms destroying little girls’ body image, you ask?
This year, it has become almost impossible to find anything that fits my child and believe me; I have tried all the stores and all the sizes. I’m frustrated; my poor daughter is beside herself. She had a growth spurt over the summer and suddenly all of her clothes are too short and tight. So, since I don’t want to send my child to school looking all “Hulk Smash” I decided to try to just buy her some bigger clothes. Makes sense, right? WRONG!
You see, I’ve noticed that for the last few years, the girls’ uniform pants that we bought at Children’s Place were made slightly different than boy uniform pants. It was the little details like a little spandex mixed with the cotton so that the pants could bend and mold to a little girl’s body. Also, little girls’ pants were slightly flared for aesthetics and had a cute little ribbon belt. The pants were perfect. My children have been wearing them for years.
But this year, with all the let’s eliminate labels like “boys” and “girls” campaigns being on trend, nothing fits. It’s not my imagination. They have actually stopped making the pants we previously bought and have gone to a more streamlined look, that happen to look exactly like the boys’ pants. Let’s put it this way, my waif like 8 –year-old who almost blows away with a strong gust of wind and typically wears a size 6X/7 had to buy a size 10, in order to fit.
My poor 10-year-old who typically wears a 12 or a 14 depending on the length of the pants, literally, could not find a pair of pants that fit her in the length and waist. Either they swallowed her whole or fit in the waist but were up to her knees or in one particular worst case scenario, we had to try on a size 14 that was tight on her waist and her butt and then we found out it was a mislabeled 10. With tears in her eyes in the dressing room, she looked at me and said, “Mommy, I just want to be normal. I just want pants that fit to wear to school!” I’ve only noticed this in uniforms, but of course, that’s all I’ve shopped for recently.
My heart broke into one million pieces because I saw every single woman that has come before her and every single little girl that will come after her if we don’t do something to change this NOW! There is plenty of time for her to feel like shit about herself because the fashion and style industry do not cater to normal sized women and they surely don’t cater to tall women, who are neither anorexic or plus sized. Our options are crying in the dressing room while trying to either starve ourselves into see thru micro mini everything, wearing muumuus or dressing like a man. Why do we have to dress according to them? And who the f*ck are they anyways?
Isn’t it enough that our daughters are bombarded by images on television and in the media of starving women as our standard of beauty, now my 10-year-old and 8-year-old are being told their bodies are wrong by fucking uniform pants. And by the way, if there was ever proof that the patriarchy is in charge, just look at a school uniform policy. It is made to inflict embarrassment and shatter self-image by making every little girl feel as ugly and plain as possible.
This is my plea, manufacturers and designers of little girls’ school uniforms
Please stop making school uniforms cut to give our elementary school aged girls doubt in themselves and their bodies.
My daughters are perfect and healthy and beautiful and in one shopping trip, fashion has planted a seed of doubt. I saw her face. I know that look…
If only I could lose 5 pounds, I could fit into those pants!
I didn’t ever want to see that look in her eyes; that partial disgust and doubt of her own body.
It had nothing to do with wanting to be fashionable and every thing to do with just wanting to be normal and wear pants that fit. Why are we allowing the fashion industry to destroy the self-esteem and body image that we have worked so hard to instill in our girls? We pay for these clothes, shouldn’t they be made to fit our bodies not the other way around? The fashion industry works for us.
What are your thoughts on vanity sizing and unisex cuts in girls’ school uniforms?
2015/08/18
I Am Feminist, Watch Me Free Bleeding
Cause she’s free, free bleeding!
Sorry, I just can’t get that damn Tom Petty song out of my head ever since I read that article about the woman running the London marathon while on her period with absolutely no feminine hygiene help. Tampons…we don’t need no stinking tampons (or maxi pads for that matter). We are woman, watch us bleed.
A few months ago, Kiran Gandhi (a Harvard MBA) chose to run the London marathon, “unencumbered by the ‘absurd’ presence of a chaffing ‘wad of cotton’ wedged between her legs.” And so began the third-wave feminist movement of “free-bleeding.”
First, it was the bush making a comeback, then ladies refusing to shave their legs on principal and now, dying pit hair and free bleeding. Look, I am a woman and I am loud and proud about women’s rights. Hell, I’m even a bit of a fanatic. I like causes and, if we’re being honest, women and minorities are two of my favorites because I am both.
I don’t think women should be banished to red tents and dirty sheds because they are on their periods. But damn, you couldn’t pay me money to run around London bleeding out because that is exactly what I would be doing. It would look like someone tried to kill me by stabbing me to death in my vagina. All of London would look like a traveling crime scene and quite frankly, I don’t want to be known as free bleeding Debi. Plus, it feels a bit unhygienic. I mean, my sheets are white!
I mean, no one’s going to invite me to their house anymore. Party invites and standing up in weddings, all gone forever. No one wants to take the chance I’m going to show up and damage their goods or cause a spectacle. I mean, I’m just finally living down all those sweater ass covered periods of my youth. I wore a sweater one week of every month from the ages of 12-18…just in case of an accident. Then I discovered tampons, left the flying winged diapers behind and moved on with my life.
What’s all this period-shaming shit about? I’m not embarrassed by my period. The patriarchy didn’t curse me with shark week, it’s biology. It’s for the babies! Who doesn’t love babies?
Honestly, tampons are a pain in the vagina. I get it! Have you ever got your lip caught between those two cardboard parts of the applicator? That shit hurts like a mother effer. Or have you ever completely forgotten that you had one in and put another one in and shoved the previous one into your brain? It hurts. Or the worse is when you do it quickly; go on about your business only to realize 15 minutes into a board meeting that you are sitting on the inner cardboard tube of the applicator. It’s like sitting on a broom handle….in your vagina while having a conversation. And please don’t even get me started on the diapers that are an excuse for maxi pads once you give birth. My God, I need a f*cking diaper between the pee and the hemorrhaging. Why didn’t people warn me?
So, free bleeding?
Look, I get it. It is 2015 and we want all the equal rights and I think women should be able to do everything men do, if they want to go topless, serve in the army on the front lines, open all the goddamn doors they want to…GO.FOR.IT! But me, I can do all that but I like it when my husband opens doors for me and pulls out my chair. I like chivalry and manners. I love respect for women. I don’t want to run around free bleeding and covered in body hair like a savage to prove a point. I’ll burn the shit out of my bras though, I hate those things.
As far as I’m concerned, I’ll share. Boys, you want the free bleeding? The monthly hemorrhage accompanied by tender breasts, cramps and PMS? You can have it. I will buy all of your drinks.
I’m all about live and let live but can I please live with my tampons and without the mortification of the entire world knowing when I’m menstruating. Can we just allow me that one private dignity? As for Kiran Gandhi, I say go girl. If this is how you want to celebrate your womanhood, you do it loud and proud.
How do you feel about the free bleeding phenomenon?
2015/08/13
Being a Feminist is a Movement NOT a Bad Word #IAMAFEMINIST
Feminist: A person ( a man or woman) who advocates or supports the social, political, legal and economic rights and equality of women to men.
According to Time Magazine, “Feminist” is one of the terms that may lead you to “seek out the nearest pair of chopsticks and thrust them through your own eardrums” and it should be banned from existence. The good people of Time are tired of hearing every female celebrity’s declaration of whether or not she is a feminist. (I’m tired of hearing all their backpedaling). Did I mention that the writer of the piece was a woman, Katy Steinmetz?
Poll conductor Katy Steinmetz flippantly referred to the use of feminist as this,
“You have nothing against feminism itself, but when did it become a thing that every celebrity had to state their position on whether this word applies to them, like some politician declaring a party? Let’s stick to the issues and quit throwing this label around like ticker tape at a Susan B. Anthony parade.”
The world is simply tired of hearing all these damn women complaining about being treated like second-class citizens; with making less than men for the same work, being objectified and being given the general direction of “be seen and not heard”. I’m sorry that women’s wanting to be treated as human beings is annoying you, Time Magazine. I’m sorry me wanting my daughters to know that what lies between their legs does not make them less than a man.
In case you are new here, I am a feminist.
I am a raging, in-your-face feminist that has the audacity to believe that men and women are equal in value as human beings and as such, should be treated with equal rights and respect in the world. I don’t believe that women are better than men. I don’t hate men. I don’t even want it all. I just want to live life on my terms with basic human rights.
Time could have called for a ban on the word “feminist” any time, but they did it during a year when the conversation about the meaning of the term is being seriously discussed. They did it at a time when the movement is growing when young girls are finally understanding what it means to be a feminist and craving it; realizing they deserve to be treated as human beings with dignity and respect just like their male counterparts.
We should all be feminists – Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie at TEDxEuston
“We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, ‘You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man,’” “Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important thing. Now, marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support, but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors, not for jobs or for accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are. Feminist: the person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes.”
Basically, a feminist, contrary to popular belief, is not someone who hates men or hates being a woman and wants to be a man but we are simply women and men who believe in equal rights and treatment for all human beings. I don’t want special privileges, nor do I think my equality should diminish a man’s rights. I’m a raging feminist and I have been for decades.
I came out of the womb believing that I could do and be anything I wanted to and I am not alone in believing this. Sure, people along the way may have tried to derail that belief but you can’t keep a good woman down. If you tell me that I can’t do something, I just want to do it that much more.
My dreams are not limited by my sex. The last time I checked, having a vagina did not cause a drop in IQ, creativity or innovation. I promise, our brains are in no danger of falling out between our legs. I believe that if you are alive and kicking and willing to put in the hard work and dedication, you can achieve absolutely anything, regardless of what lies between your legs.
I believe that we should all wear lip gloss, fancy bras or no bra at all, stay home, work out of the home, get married, don’t get married, have 5 kids, or have none. We should reach for the stars and dare to be whatever we want to be. I believe that we should be afforded the respect to make that choice for ourselves. I am a feminist. I am raising feminists. And I am proud to say that I am married to a feminist man who should be the role model for all men.
#IAMAFEMINST
What are your thoughts on removing the world Feminist from existence?
2014/11/13
Yes, Renée Zellweger Looks Different, so What?
Like the rest of the world, I noticed that when Renée Zellweger appeared on the red carpet for the Elle Women in Hollywood Awards on Monday night, she looked different. I couldn’t quite place my finger on what it was, I just knew that she looked different. Then I saw all the terrible comments on Twitter. Social media was exploding in insults about the change in Ms. Zellwegger’s appearance. I hate that about the Internet, everyone feels entitled to be as insulting as they want to be because they are cloaked in the security of anonymity. They’d never say that shit to her face.
I don’t know what looks different, I just know she looks different. But, call me crazy, I think she still looks pretty. She’s not 25 anymore, neither am I. We all look different. Time and gravity changes us. Everyone’s face ages.
Look, I can’t imagine what it must be like living in Hollywood and being a celebrity having every single thing you do critiqued and criticized; every wrinkle and grey hair amplified for the world to see. So either you age naturally and the whole world gawks and rebuffs you for not trying harder or you get cosmetic surgery, plumping this, lifting that, dewrinkling that and the entire world criticizes you for not aging gracefully. As a woman, especially one in the public eye, you can’t win for losing. I say be happy and fuck the rest.
If being happy means aging naturally, go for it. If being happy means raging against nature, then Botox and lift all your heart desires. It would be awesome if we could all just look 25 forever or if we could find the perfect aesthetician or surgeon who could just make us stay looking 25 forever, minus the plastic, distorted, fake face but it seems it’s a hard combination to find. I’ve never had any botox injections or anti-aging dermal fillers not because I am opposed to it but because I just haven’t found the time or occasion to do it. If I ever feel like I need to have some botox injections, believe me, I will go for it. But for now, I am all-natural; for better or worse.
I can’t speak for Renee Zellweger but I can speak for myself, we live in a world where we are held to impossible beauty standards and some of us nearly die trying to fit someone else’s expectations of who they think we should be. When will we realize that WE make the rules. If we refuse to bend, contort and starve to fit these impossible standards maybe then we could all be just a little bit happier just living and being ourselves.
Please stop making fun of Renee Zellweger. Are you perfect? Would you dare make these jokes about her face to her face? If the answer is no to either of these questions, please keep your opinions to yourself and be a part of the solution, not the problem.
Isn’t the world already a hard enough place to live in with everything in media being photoshopped and nipped and tucked? Can’t we just give one another a break?
–
2014/10/24
Does the Washington Post Hate Women? #YesAllWomen
Oh look, the Washington Post thinks that for women to protect themselves from being victims of violence and rape we should all get married or live with our biological fathers because hey, if we’d all just stop being such cock-teasing whores for one minute and stopped taking lovers and made honest women of ourselves, we’d never have to worry about feeling threatened and “uncomfortable” and all of this #YesAllWomen business could just go away. Coincidentally, once again placing blame on the women for being abused. I mean come on, if the b*tch wasn’t drunk and half-naked, the least she could have done was gotten married and stopped trying to be such an independent woman. That’s how she got herself abused and if she hasn’t gotten herself abused, the dumb broad probably got her kids abused because she decided to date again after leaving the crack-headed, wife beating, meth head she was married to.
It was written by two academics by the names of W. Bradford Wilcox and Robin Fretwell Wilson, whose names aren’t the only thing out of the 19th century: the article looks at a bunch of statistics in regard to violence against women and children, and concludes that “the data show that #yesallwomen would be safer hitched to their baby daddies.”
Basically, once again, the world (more precisely the Washington Post) has lumped us all into 2 categories; whores and virgins and there is no room for gray, only black and white. The bottom line is that the Washington Post has at least two misogynistic writers who blame all women for being treated like second class citizens. Hell, maybe there’s even a secret woman haters club at the Washington Post that meets once a week and is lobbying for the acceptance of drowning baby girls because really, what the hell’s the point? Because apparently, some people think that men can procreate without women and our pesky uteri. Apart from cooking and cleaning in all of our bare footed glory, women serve no real purpose in the world other than to look pretty and be quiet, right? News flash, women are people too.
Yes, misogyny is alive and well at the Washington Post.
Men are allowed to do as they will and women are supposed to suck it up and just accept their fate. I mean WHY would any woman think that she has the right to happiness after divorce or at all, for that matter? It doesn’t matter whether the man was an abusive jerk who beat her on the regular and had started molesting their children, she is his property and she needs to just accept that and be alone and in fear for the rest of her life. If not, it’s going to be her fault when something bad happens and it will because women are like magnets for bad shit to happen so prepare your daughters.
Eff it, happiness is overrated anyways plus I hear only men can truly experience happiness, it has something to do with the happiness receptors being located right under the tip of their penis or wait, maybe it has something to do with being an asshole. I can’t remember. What do you expect, I was just some kid whose mother stayed with her husband and I was raised by my biological father but we all still got to experience our fair share of abuse. I guess we were just lucky.
When I was about 8, I begged my mom to leave because even at that young age, I knew that it was wrong. I knew that there had to be something more out there than just accepting your situation. I KNEW that she deserved better. That we all deserved better. But none of us got it. We all got to suffer in silence. Do I think that my life is better because of her sacrifice? NO! Do I think she is happier because of her sacrifice? NO! Did it save her from abuse, pain and humiliation? NO! This is the oldest story in the book. This is fear-mongering and it is about time we stop letting fear keep us quiet. It’s time to get mad; downright pissed off and to stand up against the misogynistic world we live in It all starts with one person willing to say no; to be the change. I’m saying no for all the women who couldn’t or haven’t. NO!
Maybe life would have been better had my mom not been brainwashed into staying in her abusive marriage by a society that taught her that it was better to be miserable and have a husband, better to be abused and let your children get abused than to be alone. Thank God for a society who looks out so deeply for its women folk. No thanks, I’ll take my chances and try to decide for myself what’s best for me and my children. Unless you are living in the same dire situation that some women face every day by being abused and raped by their partners, you have no right to insist that she take it on the chin and just accept it.
Hey Washington Post until you’ve lived in the world with a vagina, why not stop skewing statistics to fit your agenda?
2014/06/11
Maya Angelou Phenomenal Woman
I am having a hard time gathering my thoughts about the news that Maya Angelou has died. She was a great poet, writer and woman. My heart is completely broken at hearing she has died. She was a writer who inspired many of us with her words and what they meant. But she was one of my heroes of a handful of great women. I don’t have many heroes in this world but she was it. Through her words, she made me believe that I could do and be anything. She made the world a better place.
She was a renowned poet, historian and civil rights advocate. She changed the world and the ripples of her life well spent will be felt for ages. She wouldn’t allow herself any limitations because she knew possibilities are endless if we got out of our own way. So many of us stop ourselves from doing, being, getting what we want out of life out of fear of failure. Not her, she stood there and held her ground.
When I read, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, it spoke to me. I felt her pain. Our situations were different but I could relate to the shame, worthlessness and insecurity that she felt as a young girl. She became my hero when I read that book because I knew she was brave and strong and amazing.
Life is hard and not kind to all of us. Some children need someone to make them believe in themselves either by words of encouragement or words of inspiration, she inspired me to go after my dreams. Her words were soft and hard and truthful and honest and she could see right through life’s bullshit.
I read Phenomenal Woman when I was battling eating disorders and she made me feel beautiful at a moment in my life when I felt so ugly and undeserving.
She wasn’t afraid to face the impossible to become who she wanted to be. She shattered all the limits. She reached millions with her words. She touched hearts and broadened minds and now she is gone and all of her words that I have read since childhood are flooding my mind all at once.
I want to sob because it feels like I lost a wise grandmother who had all the answers to the secrets of the universe. It’s an unexpected and overwhelming sense of loss. She may no longer be with us on this earth but the world was a better place for having her in it for 86 years and I , for one, will keep her spirit alive by sharing her words with my daughters.
Some of my favorite Maya quotes

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”

“We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated.”

“You are the sum total of everything you’ve ever seen, heard, eaten, smelled, been told, forgot – it’s all there. Everything influences each of us, and because of that I try to make sure that my experiences are positive.”

“One isn’t necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.”

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”

“Nothing can dim the light which shines from within.”

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”

“The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
‘Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.”
“I want to thank you, Lord, for the life and all that’s in it,
Thank you for the day and for the hour, and the minute. “

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
“Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.
“If we lose love and self respect for each other, this is how we finally die.”
~Maya Angelou
You will be missed in this world but your words will live on in our hearts forever. There will never be another Maya Angelou. They broke the mold with her. Rest in eternal peace, my hero.
Maya Angelou April 4, 1928 – May 28, 2014

2014/05/28
#YesAllWomen Matter
I had no idea that #YesAllWomen movement began this weekend. I spent the weekend with my family, celebrating my daughter’s 7^th birthday. Her birthday was Wednesday and we were busy every single day until her birthday party held on Saturday. 15 tiny, beautiful little girls surrounded me; little girls who still think they can do and be anything. They giggled and laughed and we played and had cake and I had no idea about what had just happened with Elliot Rodger, the 22-year-old student at the University of California Santa Barbara.He went on a shooting spree and killed 6 people before killing himself.
In the weeks leading up to the killings, Rodger posted a series of angry, bathetic YouTube videos and a hundred-and-thirty-seven-page autobiographical “manifesto,” declaring his hatred of all women for the rejection and disdain he claims they dealt him throughout his life.
I had no idea that there were other mothers who were mourning the loss of their daughters for no other reason than a mad man who felt that women deserved to die because they had rejected him. Misogyny is running rampant and no one is stopping it. Not anyone in specific, just all women in general and even men just for having sex when he was having none. This was avoidable, had anyone cared to listen. If anyone ever cared enough to listen when people ask for help.
Director Peter Rodger and his wife Moroccan-born French actress Soumaya Akaaboune said through their lawyer that they contacted police several weeks ago after seeing a series of YouTube videos their son posted which made references to suicide and murder.

I blissfully unaware soaked in every moment of my time with those girls on that beautiful Saturday in May. Not until tonight, when the girls have all gone home and my littlest girl is snuggled in bed tight next to me did I see the story and watch the video and here I sit ugly crying. Not because I am scared for my girls, for all girls, but because I am mad. I am fucking pissed off. What gave him the right? Who’s protecting our daughters?

What a spoiled, disgusting animal Elliot Rodger was. He thought like so many other men that women are here solely for his pleasure and when they did not accommodate he decided that they must face a day of retribution and annihilation for no other sin than being born with a vagina. This spoiled child made himself, judge, jury and executioner.
The sad fact is that the world is full of men who feel indignantly wronged by women who dare refuse them. There are men that feel that women owe them everything from their time, to their love to their very life. There are men who feel like we owe them our hearts, our bodies and our respect but they don’t feel that they need to give those things in return. In some men’s eyes, women are no better than property; a piece of furniture, a toy or an old sock. We belong to them. We belong to the world that doesn’t respect us, value us or love us enough to fight for us and they have beaten us down for so long that we let them without so much as batting an eye.
We do not buck and strain and resist, we passively walk with our heads down, quickly out of harms way for fear that what lies between our legs makes us a willing participant in the victimization of our own flesh. We can’t walk alone in the dark or leave a drink to pee. We can’t smile at a man without him taking it as consent to have his way with us. This is nothing new. Most men believe it; women accept it and it sucks for all of us. I am a mother of daughters and I refuse to accept this fucked up status quo. This is my line in the sand. I say no more.
I do not want another little girl to go through life running from men for fear that they will be attacked. We cannot raise our girls to believe that what they wear or say or drink makes victimization their fault. We cannot accept fear as normal. We need to teach our girls to be strong; to fight back, to stand up and to value themselves for who they are, not what lies between their legs.
Sexism is nothing new; the ideas that perpetuate systematic marginalization, outright violence towards women, rape culture, and the demonization of women who dare to stand up for themselves has been around since the beginning of time. A strong woman is a threat. A strong woman is too much trouble. Women are here to be seen and not heard, to service men in every way; this is what some believe. Not me. I am a fucking human being and I am sick of everybody from the UPS guy to the local preacher to the old man on the golf course and every single stinking asshole who ever pushed up on me in a bar in between who thinks they have the right to use women and abuse women because we are here for their disposal.
He wanted to abolish sex, thereby equalizing men and ridding society of women’s manipulative and bestial natures, and to lock women in concentration camps so they would die out. (“I would have an enormous tower built just for myself, where I can oversee the entire concentration camp and gleefully watch them all die,” he wrote. “If I can’t have them, no one will, I imagine thinking to myself as I oversee this. Women represent everything that is unfair in this world, and in order to make this world a fair place, women must be eradicated.”) His idea was to imprison a few select women in a lab, where they would be artificially inseminated to propagate the species.
We have all endured catcalls and men openly touching themselves in front of us while licking their lips like we were steak. I’ve personally had strange men expose themselves to me in broad daylight, men I dated force my hand and my head to places I didn’t want to go, had male employers corner me in small solitude rooms and make unwanted advances. I’ve had drunken frat boys try to force me out of my clothes, put their hands up my skirt and drunkenly dry hump me in plain sight. No one helped. I’ve dated men who kept pushing past where I felt comfortable and didn’t care that I said stop. It breaks off little pieces of your self-esteem, it chisels away at your sense of safety and soon you feel as worthless as they make you believe that you are. When I’ve spoken up for myself, I’ve been called a cunt, a bitch, a tease and a dike because if I didn’t submit to their will then obviously it was because something was wrong with me.
I have held my breath and my tongue more times than I can count and I can’t anymore. What Elliot Rodger did was shocking but not surprising. I watched his video and physically became ill at the callousness with which he spoke of massacring women because he felt rejected and alone. He had no care for their lives, it was completely narcissistic and outrageously removed from humanity. He equated women with animals to be slaughtered and why wouldn’t he? Our own government has done so on several occasions.
Look at us. See us! We are people. We are not property. We are not animals. We are not inanimate objects put on this earth solely to bend to the will of man. We are more than sperm receptacles and objects of desire. We have thoughts, dreams, goals, wants and needs. It frightens me that this man did this with no remorse, no second thoughts. It was like a spoiled child who wanted a piece of candy and had been denied and decided that the entire population needed to be eradicated because he was mildly inconvenienced. Worse still, he is not the first who has done this and he will not be the last. This makes me sadder than any words could ever convey.
When you lie awake and think about the horrors this man wanted to inflict on women, please remember that #YesAllWomen matter.
2014/05/26
Bossy, My Ass, Calling Little Girls the B-Word is Fine
Of all the things I get up in arms about concerning women’s issues, being called bossy is not one of them.
In fact, I don’t find “bossy” to be derogatory.
There are so many other more important issues concerning women today than being referred to as “bossy”. I get what Sheryl Sandberg and Anna Maria Chavez are trying to say that by calling little girls “bossy” in a negative context, we are inadvertently teaching our girls that to be a leader, to be a woman who takes charge is a bad thing because men don’t like it. We are teaching our girls to give up their dreams of being leaders because it’s not the role they were meant to fill. I call bullshit.
I grew up being called “bossy” and “stubborn”, always. I don’t take it as an insult. Maybe it’s because my dad always told me that if I had something worth saying then I should say it and not to back down. My mom taught me that where there is a will, there is always a way. For me that translated into work hard, bust your ass, embrace your bossy and be the leader. At my core, I have always believed that there is nothing that I could not do. I could be, do or achieve anything…all I needed to do was commit, work hard and make it happen. Being called bossy didn’t hurt me. Being called bossy made me feel empowered, respected and even a little feared and I thought that was awesome!
A vagina is not a handicap. For me, people underestimating me because of my sex is their fatal flaw not mine. Hell, I may have had to fight a little harder to get what I wanted but believe me once I got where I wanted, I’ve always impressed people with my leadership skills probably because they started off with such low expectations since I am just a woman.
I just had a conversation with my 9-year-old and I asked her about this. She said that she doesn’t take it as an insult. She said that a boss is a leader who is in control of the situation and she said she likes being that person. She said in her group in class, she is the only girl with 4 boys and every time that they work on problems, if there are 10 math problems, she does six and lets each boy do one. She said this is because she wants them done right. She says the boys call her bossy but she told them she doesn’t care and if they want to be in charge they can be but then they get to do the 6 problems and she gets to do the one and she added….and I still want my A. So if you think you can do it, go ahead. To which the boy, quietly declined and has not called her bossy since.
I am thrilled to know that my girls are not afraid to lead. I am thrilled that they don’t get offended for being recognized as strong women but I am troubled that she is learning that to get things done right, she has to do 60% of the work while the boys each only do 10%.
I think we need to teach the world to reward our girls for being leaders and not turning a personality strength into a flaw. Don’t ban the word bossy, ban narrow mindedness.I want to raise strong minded, strong willed, strong bodied girls who have every faith in themselves that they can accomplish anything they set their mind to and most of all, I want them to NOT be afraid to lead. I want them to embrace their inner bossy.
Do you find the word bossy offensive?
2014/03/12
Ladies, If You Don’t Want to Get Raped then Stop Getting Shit faced!
Did you know that date rape is just a figment of womens’ imaginations? Apparently, the Wall Street Journal’s, James Taranto, is still fighting the good fight in the “war on men”. Taranto feels that the world is on a rampage to criminalize male sexuality. And it seems that Mr. Taranto has found an unlikely ally in Whoopi Goldberg.
James Taranto wrote an article earlier this week titled Drunkenness and Doublestandards in which he compared rape to a drunk driving collision.
What is called the problem of “sexual assault” on campus is in large part a problem of reckless alcohol consumption, by men and women alike. (Based on our reporting, the same is true in the military, at least in the enlisted and company-grade officer ranks.)

Which points to a limitation of the drunk-driving analogy. If two drunk drivers are in a collision, one doesn’t determine fault on the basis of demographic details such as each driver’s sex. But when two drunken college students “collide,” the male one is almost always presumed to be at fault. His diminished capacity owing to alcohol is not a mitigating factor, but her diminished capacity is an aggravating factor for him.
Whoopi Goldberg apparently agrees because her response to the article was,
“if you don’t want this kind of attention, don’t get poop-faced. Do not get poop-faced. Do not become so drunk you don’t know what is happening.”
Way to go Whoopi! Nothing like placing the blame on the victims of date rape on national television. That’s a classy move. What’s next? Will she be standing shoulder to shoulder with Woody Allen as they cast disparaging remarks and throw stones at Dylan Farrow for being too damn milk drunk at age 7?
Look, I’ve read Mr. Taranto’s articles and this man is ridiculous to think that the men of the world need protection from the women. It’s a man’s world. It always has been. The vaginas are just living it. We have to fight tooth and nail just to be considered equal and we are still fighting to keep politicians out of our reproductive business. He quotes state troopers to support his theory,
“For the most part, they’re boys who had too much to drink and have done something stupid. When we show up to question them, you can see the terror in their eyes.”
As if that’s an excuse. They are filled with terror because they have been caught, not because they are sorry that they forced themselves on a woman in an act of rape. I wonder if the terror in their eyes looks anything like the terror in their victim’s eyes that were too drunk to fight off their rapist’s advances. Because, hey Whoopi, even when men and women are stone cold sober, pushing a man off you is a difficult task. Most men are stronger than most women, that is a fucking fact.
Taranto even goes so far to support a theory that suggests that bystanders should take culpability and intervene in all potential rape situations by “spilling a drink on the guy, turning on a light turning off the music or grabbing the perpetrator in a conga line to divert his attention.” Of course, if anyone sees a rape in process they should try to stop it but he makes it seem like college men are toddlers who need to be protected from themselves by others. No, I don’t think so. Having a dick doesn’t make you disabled.
What the Fuck? So obviously, according to Taranto, men rape because no one stops them and women drink. According to Whoopi Goldberg, if a woman doesn’t want to get raped she should just not drink so damn much. So, is it only rape if the victim can pass a breathalyzer test? Why not just take a bat to the assholes head if you catch him trying to force himself on a woman, any woman…”shit faced” or not.
Hey, Whoopi, we don’t blame victims for being raped. It doesn’t matter if she was shit faced, she needed a second haircut to wear her skirt, her lips were red and her tits were being served up like Sunday dinner. Will she attract negative attention? Probably. Does she deserve to be raped? NO!
Should women and men control their alcohol consumption? Yes. Reckless alcohol consumption can land you in compromising situations. You might wake up wondering what the hell you did the night before. You might be remorseful. But there is a universal rule that we all know and accept, men need expressed consent to have sexual intercourse with women. If no consent is given, it’s sexual assault. If a woman says, No, I don’t want to, I don’t fell like it, I have a headache, take me home or is not coherent or capable enough to say “yeah baby, let’s do it”, then do not pass go. Get up, go to the bathroom and take care of yourself or go home but do not put your penis in the vagina or you may face rape charges. Men know this. This is not new information.
Whoopi and Mr. Taranto you keep fighting the good fight to stand up against the “war on men”. Me, I’ll be over here standing up for all the shitfaced victims that you don’t think are really victims. I’ll be fighting in the real war, the war on women.
Rape is rape, assholes!
2014/02/13