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winter break

winter, polar vortex, snow days. neverending winter break

It’s Monday and the kids are, as expected, home with me; under my feet, bickering and fighting. My husband is also trapped at home, no one is at work because the roads are impassable and he’s playing video games, hunched over in front of the television in the living room like a zombie in one of his games, oblivious to everything around him, including the bickering kids and the dog whining to go piss. Me, I hear it all and I really have the urge to kick him off his stool. Don’t worry, I warned him so when I do it, he won’t be shocked.

They’ve already texted to warn tell us that school will be canceled tomorrow as well but hey, the first grade teacher suggests that we get the kids started on that reading project that starts next week? Don’t just sit there on your ass daydreaming of knocking your husband off of his stool, woman; be proactive. Get the kids hyped up about the reading program. Who cares if they have been completely ignoring you for 17 days when you’ve asked them repeatedly to clean their rooms? Who cares if you are up to your eyeballs in laundry and have work deadlines looming? Who cares if you are hanging on to your mommy sanity by drinking wine straight from the bottle and eating sleeves of Y2K ration Chips Ahoy during snowpocalypse? Who cares? The reading program will solve all of your problems just you wait and see. Anyways, now the first grade teacher is looking like she might need to be knocked off her stool too. I’m making a list.

Maybe the 41 degrees below zero wind-chill weather has me a little bitter and the cabin fever isn’t helping but honestly, as of tomorrow the kids will have been home for 18 days straight. 18.DAYS! To pass the time, I decided to change the absorbent material that lines the guinea pig’s cage. You know the guinea pig that my 6-year-old begged for and promised to clean his cage and feed? Yeah, he is now mine, just like the carnival goldfish, Golda, who just won’t die and the puppy, Lola, who has turned into the most interesting dog in the world (if you believe my Instagram feed). Somehow amongst all the other responsibilities that I have, my person has become a wayward home for unwanted (or only wanted on occasion) derelict pets. Anyways, I digress. The point is the guinea pig, Ted Koppel, just shit all over me. Snowpocalypse and snow days can kiss my ass.

Captain’s Log; Day 17/ Ted Koppel shit on the mommy blogger.

**God, if you’re reading this, this is Debi. Please let the kids go back to school on Wednesday. I don’t think I have another day in me.

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Captain’s Log: Day 14 of Winter Break, Kill Me Now

Captain’s Log: Day 14/ The End is near.

It’s day 14 of our winter break and quite honestly, I can say I am more ready for my kids to go back to school than I have ever been for anything in my entire life, except for evicting them from my uterus in anticipation of meeting them for the first time. I.AM.NOT.THAT.MOM! I swear I am not. Normally, I just want it to go on and on and soak in all the moments but not this time. This time I want them to go back to school so that I can get back to a schedule and have my house back in some kind of order. This overwhelming feeling of doneness crept in about 2 days ago. 14 days is too long and I still have 2 more days and well, I’m running low on Xanax.

Look, it’s been great but this winter break thing has run it’s course. I’ve realized that I am one of those people that misses my children more when they are at school.I figured that out a couple months ago. See I used to always threaten to “homeschool” the girls if they misbehaved. Knowing full well that they’d never want to miss out on hanging out with their friends to be stuck under my feet. Then the 6-year-old started asking if I could homeschool her and I realized I was afraid. Very afraid. I started having nightmares of spending 24 hours a day, every day with my moody elementary schoolers. We were playing a game of homeschool chicken and I was about to bob and weave to save myself. Damn that little evil genius. Needless to say, I no longer utter the word…shhhhh (whisper) “homeschool” anywhere in a 25 mile radius of my children. Hell, I am risking my sanity just typing it.

I’m not crotchety. I swear I am not.I love holidays and snuggles and warm fires and fuzzy memories with my sweet girls but we’ve gotten a mountain of snow and I’ve got a bad case of cabin fever and now, in a cruel twist of fate, the weather forecast has issued a winter weather advisory for tomorrow night ( squashing my travel plans to Chicago for my nephews 2nd birthday….Boo! Happy Birthday Ayden, Titi Debi loves you!) but as if that weren’t bad enough they are calling for 6-12 more inches of accumulation Sunday night. SUNDAY.FRICKING.NIGHT! That will mean no one is going to school or work on Monday. No.ONE!!!

As I read the weather report I could feel myself getting all squirrely. I was like a trapped animal. My mind zipping from idea to idea to try to remedy and avert this crisis. It’s 10 below zero and I am fully prepared to borrow a snowblower and plow our way the 10 blocks to school.

Must.Work.Must.Clean.House.Must.Watch.Something.Other.Than.Cartoons.Must.Enjoy.The.Silence.MUST.SNOWBLOW.THE.CITY!

How is your winter break going? Are you soaking it all in? Or has your winter break passed it’s expiration date?

**Sorry Girls, if you are 25 and this is 2031 and you are finally reading this…I loved you every single day but 16 days is too long for a winter break. I think 12 is about right. You’ll see when you have your own.

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