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Big Guy:” The Kids asleep?”
Me: “Yeah, we better hurry.  You know they’ll be waking up soon for… something….anything”
Big Guy: “OK. where do you want to do this?The kids are in our bed right? How about the living room?”
Me:”No way, we’re too exposed. We’d be right out in the open.”
Big Guy:” How about Bella’s room?”
Me: “NO, that’s right across from our room..they’d walk in and there we’d be. It’s too easy to get caught!”
Big Guy: “What about Gabs room? They’d have to make a turn, we’d have a warning!”
Me: “Sounds good, but not in the bed..that would be gross!”
Big Guy:” OK, so we got about 10 minutes on Gabs’ bedroom floor?”
Big Guy:” GO!”

Sound familiar? I know I am not the only one with co-sleepers, or small children in general. This was NOT in the baby handbook! How people have more than 2 kids, I will never know. It must be pure unadulterated dumb luck. I know how we go the first one, we were alone, we were married, we lived in Tennessee and nothing was on TV so we got a lot of practice entertaining ourselves!  Then we went on a romantic getaway with nothing to do but linger in each others arms. BAM! There ya go! But number 2, that baby was conceived on a Labor Day afternoon while a baby napped, Daddy had the day off, and Mommy was feeling frisky. Now, fast forward to 3 years later..there is no way that we could conceive another one. Love making has been reduced to an Olympic qualifying sport.It’s all about being very strategic and very fast, rushed and quiet (Sush, you’ll wake the girls).There’s no falling into it, no looking longingly into each others eyes with that hungry look. We still have those hungry looks but now its usually a hunger for sleep.

We’ve never really been busted, probably because we are like merry minstrels roaming from room to room to find a spot to engage in the occasional coitus. Making matters worse, now he is always out of town for business so that leaves me with only 3 nights and 3 days of potential love making to choose from.  So, if I say I’m too tired or I’ve got a headache, I have to think carefully because the opportunity may not present itself again until the following week.(Yes, a whole week more)Who are we kidding, you can’t make “love” in that sliver of time we are allotted after our kids fall asleep and before the first time they wake up for water, the potty, nightmares, what have you.Let’s call it what it is, we are making a quickie and sometimes we can’t even get through that before someone wakes up and calls out. Nothing like being almost there, and having to go soothe a cryer back to sleep. That will dry you up quicker than a shot of Sudaphed.Don’t worry Daddies, I’m pretty sure it can shrivel your junk up too, within a matter of seconds. Thank God its the quality and not the quantity that counts. Quality is fantastic, quantity, well, we need to clear up some scheduling conflicts…like children running a muck and working out of town! I never understood what the hell all this “I have a headache” stuff was about. Then I had kids and I realized, the headache of which they speak is the headache it is to try and choreograph “Special” time with your partner.

Sometimes, you just need a back rub and that’s it. It’s not code for anything but I’m tired and my damn back hurts from chasing and lugging kids all day. Can you help a Mama out and just rub my back? But we can’t even get through that without someone waking up, calling out, or creeping up on us.I have been busted getting a late night massage in front of the fire place, thank God it hadn’t evolved any further. That’s why I know the living room is too exposed.  I have a friend who told me that her and her husband used to rendezvous in their closet for “special” time, away from the prying ears of their teenagers. My closet just isn’t big enough for those kind of escapades. Her and her husband are both on the smaller side. My husband is a giant and I’m life size not fun sized, so there’s no way that could happen in my house. Plus with all that clean laundry that’s hiding out in my closet floor, there’s no room left for love making…unless the big guy wants to hump my clean nighties that are in desperate need of being put away. He never sees them on anymore, so I am sure one look at them and he’d be done.

How do you coordinate special time? Dose the kiddies with Benadryl? Lock the doors and turn out the lights and pretend no ones home? During nap time? Where do you have to hide to get your groove on? I need suggestions, I am running out of  rooms that are safe. I was thinking about the basement but then I’d die if one of the kids woke up, came looking for us, and fell down the stairs. Oh, the joys of Motherhood! Happy Parenting!

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Mommy Porn ~ Get your mind out of the gutters, Ladies. I was just thinking today about how much my life has changed since having my girls. I was a very semi  more private person before I had my girls. Well, maybe not private ( that’s a very loose interpretation) but there were absolutely things that were only between myself and God. You know like pooping, waxing, changing a tampon, masturbating ( Yeah, when was the last time I had the time or energy for that?  The only rabbit getting any action in this house is Jack..my daughter’s lovey. My rabbit, well,that poor bastard has been buried under an inch of dust for about the last..I don’t know, 5 years!)

Mommy Porn is a thing of My Past

Anyways, that got the wheels turning and I began to realize that when I say I have not a single minute of privacy a day..I am not exaggerating in the least. Every day is like a surprise party. You know…trying to wipe your ass…SURPRISE!! Or trying to wax your lip with a little dignity…SURPRISE, we see you! Try to shave your legs…SURPRISE! Oops, Mommy..why you leg bleeding? Umm, because Mommy just shaved half her ankle off when you “Surprised” her. Yes, its not for the weak. I remember, naive fool that I was, I was so ’embarrassed’ that my ass was hanging out of my night gown when I was in labor with my first. It about drove me nuts ( until transition labor that was) thinking  of all these strangers seeing my big ass hanging out. Yeah, who knew that was the beginning of the end for me. Now, nothing is private. Hell, if my ass hanging out for a few hours was my greatest imposition..life would be sweet. I feel like one of those online video chat hookers/ porn stars without all the sexiness or money. Nope, its just me..doing all my most intimate things with an audience of the 3 and 5 year old version and the pay’s pretty shitty. Well, I do have a full account of hugs and cuddles but on the flip side, I’m missing half my ankle.

Mommy Porn Today

Mommy Porn used to be some hot steamy man doing God knows what to some poor unsuspecting damsel in distress. Rocking her world and punishing her all at the same time, with really bad acting and cheesy music…that was mandatory. Usually, something my husband chose that took place on the high seas. Maybe a pirate or two…argh! It started with a massage in front of the fireplace and ended with my new perma-audience. No thank you sir, I will pass on that porn!
If you ask me today, my qualifications for good porn..my “Mommy porn” if you will; I want a hot man with a cut up chest and tight ass,working up a heavy sweat….cleaning my house….in silence!Oh life, you have come full circle! BOW CHIKA BOW WOW!!!

mommy porn

My Preferable Mommy Porn

Disclaimer: No man was hurt in this photo and no rabbit has been used in the presence of my children. Just in case, you were confused and thinking I was some sort of warped brain defect. I am not. Enjoy your Mommy porn.

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